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#99238 02/16/03 09:34 PM
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Kansha Offline OP
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Greetings from Ca:

I’ve been staying off the boards as much as possible lately, part of my new found focus on, “yours truly”.

Staying on the boards seemed to keep me in a certain mindset which, up until recently, was just what I needed. But now with my new found detachment, (I can’t believe I could even get any farther in that arena, but I remarkably have) I keep my focus off of my marriage and on myself and my future. (Of course my children are always part of that).

I feel pretty happy and contented these days. H and I are getting along better then ever but it is an "empty" (not quite the right word) kind of getting along because he still "lives" in his studio out back.

On Valentines day we went to my son’s friends birthday party at a karaoke place and I with a few other parents, enjoyed wine and good food. It was so fun. H was there too. As the other parents touched and connected I felt the lack of being able to reach out to H. Not because I didn’t want to but because he has not indicated in any real way that he wants to be approached in a physical way. Occasionally I will touch him on the back but only as I would a friend. He never touches me. He never was a touchy feely guy anyway and I was always way more physical. I’ve pretty much made my peace with this. I am not angry or asking God why? I accept that perhaps this is “IT”.

I’m not resigned either. I just don’t have any attention on it, as before I really did. For me a life without physical comfort and let’s be real, sex, was unthinkable. Now, I really have put that part of it in Gods hands at long, loooooonnnnngggggggg last. It doesn’t do much good for me to parcel out just which part of my life I am willing to give over to God. I’m thinking I’ve finally given it all over to Him. But then everytime I give it over to God I find, like detachment that ahhhh… there is still more to go.

I really can call myself a successful Dber. I feel good and my family is basically intact. My marriage... God is taking good care of it. I do not worry anymore one way or the other. I feel good and amazingly enough, I even had no problems through an "attack of the hormones". Yes, I know you are shocked but, not a single "injustice" roared it's ugly head with my monthly hormone wigging. Will wonders never cease? No, I don't believe they will.

Hugs to all my friends and all those who are in the middle of this craziness. Better days are a comin'. I promise.

Alex, I really do have a new lease on life and I’m REALLY NOT troubled by any domestic strife at all. It is amazing. I owe ya one hon! Thanks!

TC: Hi sweetie, please feel free to e-mail me anytime. I do get those much more quickly then posts to the DB these days. How are you?

Frosty, Finally my ankle is on the mend. Hah! Ice in CA, more like clutz in CA. LOL! I guess I’m going to have to look you up on your thread because I always want to know how you and the girls are, oh and maybe the mole in a sort of protective (of you girls, that is) kind of way. Hugs!

Hi Helga,
Kind of slow on responding to my e-mails. You are still in my prayers. I’m honored that you came over to visit me on my thread! Will write soon. I’m glad your ankle is doing better! Hugs and love to you as well!


#99239 02/17/03 01:49 AM
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Hooray to my fellow hormone queen! Seems I always have the problem during that time also. I know exactly why you're excited.

Glad the ankles on the mend. You are the MOST successful DB'er, and a Saint as we all know.

Take Care!

#99240 02/23/03 06:23 PM
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Kansha Offline OP
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Hi All,

While I'm waiting for H to get ready (He's taking myself and S9 out to breakfast for my Birthday),
thought I'd stop in and bump up my thread and try learning how to link old threads.

Will post updates soon.

Here is a link to my previous thread:

Post Retrouvaille

I love learning something new!

You all are still in my prayers, Hugs!

#99241 02/24/03 12:08 AM
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Kansha,

Tell about your new business

Have considered subsitute teacher, since you work only when you want and is school hours it is a win-win.


Poe Has Got Off The Runaway Train
#99242 02/24/03 08:24 PM
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Kansha Offline OP
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Hi Poe,

Actually, I have. Amazingly enough they are not hiring any new Subs until fall 2003. That would've been perfect for me. Did you know I was a former teacher?

I'm waiting to get my business off the ground a bit before I share much about it.

Nothing too exciting, but I get to put my creative urges to use a bit.

Thanks for dropping in. It's funny but I just read a post by you yesterday and remarked to myself that I had not read anything you had posted before.

Thanks for taking the time to post to me! I shall seek you out and see what you are up to.


My Birthday was quiet. H tried to make it a special day for me. He bought me several bouquets of flowers with the prompting of our S9 (what a love) and took S9 and myself out to breakfast and D17 condescended to go out to sushi dinner for another b-day treat. H and S9 then took me to borders to pick out 2 CD's. This was a very financially tight b-day so H went out of his way to try to make it nice and so I wouldn't feel the pinch.

My D prompted (I think) H to take me out to select the CD's but she's still a bit self-involved about doing anything herself. Though she did make a huge effort to be appreciative and pleasant. She tends towards prickliness usually. She has expressed a huge disappointment in me. I am an embarrassment to her; she has said that but not in so many words. Yes, I know much of this is Mother/teenage daughter dynamic. It's just that who she sees me, as is someone who has survived a war, who is shell-shocked. I am not the poster child for dynamic mothers. I am war weary and working my way out of the trenches. I've lost my pizzazz, my innocence, my flash. I'm now on the road to reinvention, so I'm okay with it. But, I feel sad that my daughter sees me as this dreary, always sick (depression, lots of cold's, foot problem, ankle problem, blah blah blah) do nothing mom. This is a fading image but a hard one to unstick from her mindset.

Do I sound victimy describing this to you? I'm trying to honestly describe a snap shot portrait of a highly sensitive, artistic, woman, whom found it incredibly hard to stay sane during my H's abandonment that coincided with a troubled and sick daughter. Personally, with my chart (astrological) full of water, I was ripe for falling into a drunken stupor of despair. It actually took me awhile to rise above that. I remember staying in bed for a solid week taking xanax and anything else, barely raising my head off the pillow. I only rallied because I finally realized that my reaction to my H was damaging my children. Rally I did! But, I wasn't super mom by any means. I went through the motions. You know: "fake it till you make it." But, I relished closing myself up in my room crawling beneath my comforter and pulling it up over my head.

I know that as she has children and matures she will be able to see it more holistically but to a child of visual sensibilities, I am not beauty personified. I am the self-sacrificing, wear my nightgown until there are too many holes, and cut my own hair variety so that she may go to the school of her choice. My watery chart is one of supporting those that I love. Of spiritual pursuits. This from me; a driven singer/songwriter of the 60's and 70's. A political radical. A listen to me sing and you will love me kind of gal. I dressed funky,spunky,cool, or bad, or hot or whatever word is being used to describe the edgy look of the day. To her I am faded, don't dye my hair often enough and those clothes, Mooooooommmm! This, in LA where Grandmother's look like teenagers and too thin trophy wives abound.

Ahh, I can go on. Just stream of consciousness here.

All in all, I did find myself feeling a bit weepy yesterday. Ya, know sometimes that P.T.S.D. still roars it's ugly head. I have also always tended towards depression and I realize that no matter what my life is like, I guess I always will.

Kids are now back at school. They were off for a week. That's a relief and I can now get back to focusing on my business, which did give me a sense of purpose.

For anyone who's interested, that was my 49th birthday. I can't believe it really. Who I am is someone very different from whom I thought I would be. I was pretty much a selfish, self-involved young women. I turned out so differently. I feel raked over the coals. Ravaged. Humbled.

You all are in my prayers

love, Kansha (which means gratitude in Japanese)


#99243 02/25/03 12:29 AM
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Kansha,
Happy Birthday to you!

Good luck with your business and hope it gets off the ground quickly!

#99244 02/25/03 11:42 AM
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HAPPY BD, KIDDO!

49 is YOUNG. You've got a whole lot more discovering to do, and just think you grew up, became humbled and learned a lot BEFORE it was too late. I say you've won something there.
That's how I feel, at least.
And before long, you will regain the pizzazz. That takes a bit of doing. My haggard look is finally gone (and I'm plumping up a bit too which has me a bit worried but not overly so.)
You have risen, and you will shine again, Kansha.

#99245 02/26/03 10:06 PM
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Quote:

Did you know I was a former teacher?



You mentioned it in a earlier post

Quote:

It's funny but I just read a post by you yesterday and remarked to myself that I had not read anything you had posted before.


It is too late for me, D Oct. 2003, DB too late. Will wait till she remarries. I am not willing to give up after 27 years. She is MLC big time. I post to help others, since I learned my lesson too late. She is still an alien, everytime we talk it is short...anytime we get near OR...she says she is HAPPY, and plans on marrying OM. I die each time so I don't get near it and just ACT AS IF I am her friend. It sucks but that is life.

Quote:

She has expressed a huge disappointment in me. I am an embarrassment to her; she has said that but not in so many words. Yes, I know much of this is Mother/teenage daughter dynamic.


From what I understand, kids need to begin there indepence so they can leave home, there are aliens and all you can do DB with them. They will return. My oldest did the same.


Poe Has Got Off The Runaway Train
#99246 12/10/06 09:30 PM
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Hi kansha!

I hope that you and yours are still doing well! My best wishes to you for a happy Holiday season, and a great New Year ahead, my friend!


JJ

Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
#99247 12/17/06 11:34 PM
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Kansha Offline OP
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Hi Jamesjohn,

Nice to see you are still helping so many people! I am happier then I have ever been. Thanks for your good wishes, back at cha my friend!

Hugs,

Kansha

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