Hello Everyone, To prevent the hijacking of other people's threads; please post any questions you might have here.
I cannot guarantee I have all the answers but I will do the best I can to answer.
Please, all of you old timers/mentors, feel free to jump in at anytime and add your input; as we need all the help we can get. I have never thought I held all the keys to this, and welcome any input that's given; that will aid any posters who are asking questions.
Sometimes through the input of several people a question is answered; that was the way it was when I was here before, too.
Plus, there are subjects that I don't have that much experience with; as I've never dealt in some of the aspects of MLC; they didn't apply to my situation. That doesn't mean I won't attempt an answer, though.
I usually say if I don't know I will find out.
Questions are good, and it never hurts to ask...you will never get an answer unless you do.
There are many things I have forgotten over the years though the memories are coming back with a vengeance.
Also bear in mind, I am a truckdriver, and I'm not here as much as I'd like to be. Be patient, I will answer as soon as I can; and all questions will be answered here on this thread.
I am really slow about posting; I realize that; as much thought is put into every post I put up.
Last, but not least, the format of this board has changed since I was here before, and so I'm adjusting to the changes as I go.
Ask away.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Hi Flowmom, I did indeed, read your answers..and grabbed your other questions and dragged them over here:
Quote:
I'll take you up on your offer to ask more questions please . To expand on my question, I was wondering how the frequent contact and need to collaborate (when young children are involved) helps or hinders the separated MLC in progressing through the stages? And how does the LBS take care of herself without going dark/dim (because it's hard to coparent effectively while dark/dim)?
Read Jack Three Beans' response to you over on his thread, too. He has the type of experience that I don't.
My husband never left home in this, other than working his job as a trucker, and I was still working a day job. We had the one child who was 15 at the time.
I can say I never really went dark nor did I go dim while this was going on, the only exception was the case of OW, I did go "dim" for a period of time; I had to in order to protect myself. I actually didn't know I was doing that..I refused to have anything to do with him..barely speaking to him...and I could see it was killing him; yet he had to know he'd lose me if things didn't change...but that's another story entirely.
Yet, husband was chasing son on his own; I had NOTHING to do with that, nor can I explain it except with remember they act the opposite of what they normally were before they went into the tunnel...and my husband didn't spend alot of time with son before..but after going in; all of a sudden he wanted a relationship with him...I EVEN remember thinking that was strange. Yet, I was glad he was doing that..I'd hated to have had to hurt him for mistreating our son. And I would have.
I remember not being able to go completely dark slowed the process down, somewhat, and there was some interference; anytime the LBS is still there with the WAS, it "distracts" the MLC'er from looking within. I realize you're trying to keep things normal, but that can hinder your husband's journey for a time, and hinder yours as well.
On the other hand, you've still got to detach and distance from his drama, never mind what he's doing to deal, and still concentrate on yourself. Putting yourself on hold is not good, either.
That's a fine balancing act, but you'll need to find and make the time to do the necessary work on you; I'm speculating the kids are not always around, and neither is your WAS.
You've said yourself he takes them often; and that leaves you on your own for a time, doesn't it? When no one is there; and you're all alone is the best time for introspection, and walking the journey. Sometimes, I laid awake at night, processing the day's events, amongst other things, and did alot of looking within when everyone was asleep.
All I can tell you on the subject of your WAS is watch him; you will know if you might have to take any type of stronger measures.
Also, I have no idea how long his guilt might last before it might change to something else or it might not...watch for changes there.
One other thing; you will need to learn to let him go if he requests time on his own. That might happen.
Be prepared for anything and everything to happen; this is MLC after all.
I really hope this will help.
Anyone else who feels to need to contribute; bring it on.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thank you so much for your reply HeartsBlessing. It's very helpful...a roadmap for me. You're confirming some things I suspected.
Last edited by flowmom; 02/25/1006:02 AM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Why is it that the MLCer seems to be astounded that their own children would have a problem with what they've done. (My H moved in with ow 2 weeks after re meeting her.) H just can't understand why S23 hasn't talked to him since he left almost 5 months ago. H says that S23 just needs to grow up and accept the situation. H has also said that about D17 and D11.
After this first happened S26 wrote H a letter and said that he no longer respected him. They work at the same place and H came to him after reading the letter and said to S26, "I'm still your father and you will respect me."
Excuse me, who's the one that needs to grow up?
I have a good answer for that last question, YOUR WAS DOES!
His actions mirror the SAME amazement they exhibit when they are caught in the wrong if you think about it. For example; the second sign fell on my husband's affair..he threw a fit on me for "snooping", when actually I found it by accident, then thought things were just fine; until I wouldn't have anything to do with him. He just couldn't understand that at all; tried to turn on me, but it didn't even work, I walked away from him, leaving him to think about what he was doing.
He acted the same with our son..and son kept walking away from him; wouldn't have anything to do with him...and HE COULDN'T UNDERSTAND IT AT ALL. He threw tantrums, but that didn't change the fact that he was WRONG, even if HE wasn't seeing it.
It's a hard one to understand, that's for sure..you can blame "MLC FOG" for that one. Lost on the sea without a compass.
They are so far in the left field(or is it the right field) they act like their consciences have "seared" -right and wrong have run together; and they think their behavior is perfectly normal.
Yet, the "sane" spouse and their children knows it's different and WRONG.
The children who are old enough to understand catch on to that right away...and can instantly turn on the MLC'er..that is actually part of the MLC'er's consequences. To have people turn on them is very surprising to the MLC'er as they really cannot fathom what they have done wrong; trying to justify their actions. I don't doubt that somewhere their conscience is after them, but it's buried from sight/mind somewhere; and it might be in the same box their feelings for the LBS have been placed into, locked and the key thrown away; I don't know that for sure...but I suspect it.
Yet, sometimes it is the children who help to open the MLC'er's eyes to some very hard truths. And you know, this is damaging to them.
You think about children in puberty..and compare that behavior to the man or woman in the throes of MLC..the similarities are astounding...the lies, the hiding, the pitching a fit for privacy..and the list goes on. And they think it's perfectly acceptable behavior; getting onto their children for what they perceive as disrespect..when it's not; it's consequences for their actions and some of this is played out in the children at home; if any.
I fully realize the MLC'er is a wife, husband, mother or father..but respect; the last time I checked was EARNED, not automatically given; just as trust is the same story.
I don't care what anyone says..MLC has always seemed to be comparable to a second childhood of sorts; where the growing up is repeated once again; finishing the unfinished business that started the first time around; but was never completed until the transition turned crisis.
OW. as you well know, is just a band aid, not a solution, but he doesn't see it yet. I pray he does before it's too late, and you've moved on with your life without him.
Did this help?
SA, FWIW, he's in REPLAY at the moment; OW, if one shows up, usually comes in this stage.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I appreciate that you have touched on teenagers and older children from a previous thread but wanted to expand this.
My D19 is aggressive and lacks tolerance of her dad even though they see each other at least weekly. She says some very hurtful things to him which he does react to occasionally in a hurt way. I have tried to get D to pull back or work away when she feels stressed with him but she finds it difficult.
Do you know if this behaviour will slow down the long MLC process as H is severely depressed or have no effect?
Thank you so much for your answer. I didn't find this bb until about 3 months into my sitch. I truly believe the Lord led me here to learn the lessons I needed to get through this. He brought us all together for a reason.
I want to take this opportunity to thank you and all the other folks on this forum who have taken time out of their day to help us newbies on our paths. You are all blessings in my life.
My apologies if I misunderstood what I thought J3B's thread was for and posted there in error.
My apologies if I misunderstood what I thought J3B's thread was for and posted there in error.
SA There is no reason to apologize. Jacks thread is there to help you. If posting on his thread did that then he is happy because that was the whole reason for the thread. I know I shouldn't really speak for Jack but I am sure he won't mmind.
This board is here to help all of us. The only one that owns it is MWD. She put it here to help people because she couldn't understand why her parents who were much like you and your H, got D when she was the same age as your eldest children. So this long winded explanation is that MWD wants all of us to not get D and to have a better life. She is pro marriage and she has a mission in life to promote that.
My D19 is aggressive and lacks tolerance of her dad even though they see each other at least weekly. She says some very hurtful things to him which he does react to occasionally in a hurt way. I have tried to get D to pull back or work away when she feels stressed with him but she finds it difficult.
Do you know if this behaviour will slow down the long MLC process as H is severely depressed or have no effect?
Libby,
Your D is old enough to be able to make her own choices regarding her R with her father. While it may be disrespectful behavior, it really needs to be left between the two of them as to how they will handle this.
Unfortunately, especially with older children, often rifts appear, that take a long time to repair, if ever.
I would not worry about how it will affect his crisis or tunnel time. These are consequences to HIS actions and he needs to feel those consequences.
If you feel this is really detrimental to your D, you might try to either get her into counseling or speak with her about HER feelings, to help her sort them out, but as for her behaviors, this is also her journey to take.
My S and his father got into a fist fight about a year ago. Because of S's frustration with his dad. While I would not ever like to see that again, I realize that it was something that they had to go through and it did change the dynamics in their R a bit. That is something that my H, if he ever wakes up, will have to deal with with my S. However, that is one chunk of his pride that I don't think he will ever consider swallowing.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
HB-I have been reading your posts to others and have found you to be very insightful! I am not sure how much has actually sunken in for me. I am trying read everything I can! I do believe that my H is in full MLC, I haven't looked at the stages to see where he might be and there is OW involved. Got D papers in the mail last week
I had a session with a DB coach yesterday...actually, it is my 3rd one. She advised me to slowly break the no contact that I have been doing. In our talks, she feels that H is feeling like he is not needed by us. She wants me to try and get him more involved with the kids.
This is what I wrote on my thread-
She basically stands by what she has been saying that my H does not feel needed. She also said that I needed to ask H if he intended, when he filed for D, that the kids and I would have to move from our home and sell it because that IS what would have to happen as we would not be able to afford the payment. She also felt that he did seem undecided (but may have taken the chicken way out) about the D after I asked him about talking with the kids. She said, that since we have basically been dark/nc since he left and really kinda before he left that maybe that is going down a cheeseless tunnel. She asked me if there were some family events coming up that H could be included in.
I know you are probably not familiar with my sitch. It is in the Newcomers forum.
I am just not sure what to do and hope you will have some insight for me.
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
