Okay everyone....I'm hoping that everyone is going to chime in...
This was another hard weekend for me. I had some R discussion with the W. Some of the conversation I felt I did well and other areas I did not. Here are the details...
Yesterday I found out that EVERYBODY at W job know about her A with Supervisor. This did not make me feel great as you can imagine. I was going to confront but decided against it. Over the past few days W has been a bit moody and last night when she arrived with the kids and I asked the kids who was at the party (it was really an innocent questions) she snapped at me so I decided to confront...here is quick summary of the key points.
1) A few days ago, W had arrive home late and I asked the boy to be quite so that she could sleep I explained to them that mommy had been "working 12 hours give or take". She hollered from upstairs that that the sarcasm was not needed. Last night I explained to her that I did not mean it as sarcasim but really understand that she is working hard for the family. Her response was "I'm just so used to your sarcasm". I explained that that was not my intent and that I am sorry that SHE felt that what.
2) On saturday, i ran out of the house to run to CVS to get some prescription, W was home and was getting ready to go to work. On the way to CVS my D8 called me crying and said that she slipped in the shower. I told her that Mommy was home and she said she was not. I told D that I would be home in a sec. When I arrived I noticed W car in the driveway but did not see her. I went upstairs to check on D and she was fine. I told D that I would tell mommy and she asked me not too, which I thought was very odd. I asked why she did not want Mommy to know and she said she just didn't. I thought this was really odd. I got her some ice for her ankle. I went back downstairs and saw that W was outside on the phone. I walked outside to make a call myself (yes I was trying to make her jealous - sorry) and told her that D8 had hurtself and called me while I was on my way to CVS. I also told her that D8 did not want me to tell her which I thought was odd. I suggested that she go up and go see D8. Her response was.."what were u on the phone with your lawyer". I asked what the hell she was talking about and then followed that up with the following - "regardless of what is going on between you and I I would never pit the kids against you. I did not have a mom growning up and I do not want that for my kids". Last night I brought this up again to try and find out why she felt that I would call a lawyer. She said that since i told her I rushed home she thought I made a big deal of it and since my best friend was divorced and had major issues with his S and kids that she thinks that I am doing the same. I said that I am sorry that SHE feels this way but I can assure her that that is not my intent.
She then brought up the fact that she understood the issues that I was going thru. ME- What issues Her - the fact that you will not accept that it is over. Me - No W I do accept that it is over. Our old M is over but we can have a new M. Me - W I am just trying to be your friend. I understand that you may not want that right now but I am trying to best as supportive as I can. W - you want a friend with benefits of just a friend because I think I am your friend. Me - I do not want benefits. I just want to be your friend. I am very proud of how well you are doing in your job and the things that you are doing for yourself and I want you to know that I am here for you. I try and help out as much as possible since I understand that this is about you and not me. W - I find it hard to believe that is how you feel. Me - It is how I feel. The hardest thing for me is that I miss my friend but I understand that YOU may not feel that way.
She then went on to discuss my need to go back to school. She said that she was very upset about but since I TOLD her what I was going to do that she had no choice but to put and H on her chest and deal with it. She also said that in the past everybody advised me to do this but that now she is focused on her I decided to go back to school. This was suppose to be out her and yet I have made it about me. I caved and said, that if she felt that strongly about it that I would not go back to school. I reaffirmed my desire to try and support HER needs. Her response - this is your choice do what your heart tells you. I know I'll just but and H on my chest and handel it. I went on to say that I was doing the best I can to try and esure that we do not assume any more debt.
Okay guys....let me have it. I know I probably made a ton of mistakes. I will say it was the first time in over a month that we had some sort of discussion. My take-aways from this convo is that she is looking for me to sit and sacrafice while she can do whatever it is that she wants to do. Part of me understands this and if we were a "team" I would but since she has decided to go down the D path I find myself thinking about protecting myself. One interesting point...she does not mentioned the month of September anymore but rather "when we do/end this".
I look forward to everyone's response.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I still do not know. My D has been very clingy to me lately. I suspect she senses what is going on and now I give her so much attention that she eats it up.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Your daughter's behavior is very normal. There has been a significant shift in the household system. Instead of depending on mommy for everything....you are now more available. So her dependence of security will shift from your wife (or the two of you as partners) more and more to you. That is actually a good thing for you since it is proof that you are changing your relationship dynamic with the children from what it was in the past. It happened her (see my post on the subject) and has only recently started to change to the point were the children will go to their mother.
You want to go to school Eric, so you should....sometimes you have to accept that in the past there was poor judgment on your part. Remember all the self reflection I talk about...sometimes there is truth in what the MLC says and you have to deal with it. So you didn't take the advice earlier and now you are. Does she have the right to criticize a little....yes. Should that make you repeat your old behavior and not go to school....not in my opinion.
Overall it sounds like you did ok...you caved a little, did some validation, emphasized being a friend instead of saving the marriage......today is another day;)
Thank you Lost. As alway i appreciate your insight. Re: my daughter that would explain it. I also noticed that W seems a little depressed re: how she is dealing with the kids. I slowed down doing some of the housework lately and she had a ton of laundry to catch up with. I re-play the convo we had yesterday and I can now see that some of her point re: my comments were a little manipulative or angry. This is something that i need to work on. I aslo think that what she is looking for is total unselfishness on my part. In terms of the school thing - I'm gonna sit on this for a bit, still do my research and see how thing progress over the next few weeks. Yesterday I really saw her anger and pain. She really is in a crisi and cannot see it. I realy feel for her.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Also, I know that everyone says not to bring up R discussion but it is the only time I get to see what is going on in her head. She apparently can see some of the changes but does not believe them. I need to continue to be consistent, hopefull and positive. Still pissed at the OM but nothing I can do about this.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Also, I know that everyone says not to bring up R discussion but it is the only time I get to see what is going on in her head.
You have to understand that what is going on in her head is not something you really want to know.The sky is blue today tomorrow it is red with white stripes, and the day after that it is black with pink polka dots. Now what did that tell you?
You are doing great Eric. In the future, it is best to try to avoid the R talks, but it is so hard not to get sucked in to them.
A couple movies I watched while going through this that gave me some inspiration were "Why Did I Get Married?" and "Fireproof". But maybe they might not be best for you to watch as they take away from your detaching.
Kerry - I've watched fireproff. I cried my eyes out. I actually purchased the book and tried to follow the steps but given where the W is it did not work. It did however, show me the errors of some of my ways.
The W appears to be looking for total selfishness, which is very tough given our sitch. Part of me does not trust her and I find myself doing things to protect myself, which if caught will probably back fire in my face. In two weeks I am due to recieve a bonus, which is totally stressing me out. Part of me want to divert some of it; however, I have a funny feeling that I will get caught. Part of me want to use it to pay down the bills. My IC says I should not rush to pay down the debt as this will make it easier for her to leave. This is a tough one guys...a tough one. Any thoughts?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Well it sounds like you did some good validating. Validation is very important and if you can learn to do it well, you will find that it helps you in all of your relationships because in order to do it properly, it requires advanced listening skills.
I am curious about what she is putting on her chest? I am a little blond LOL…
School is something for you. Maybe you could use the bonus to pay for it? Just a thought…
Please remember that R talks are not the best thing but they do need to happen once in a while.
At this point in time, she is thinking about herself and anything you do, is going to be viewed as wrong. Telling the kids to be quiet, telling them not too….
It sounds like you did well.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
