What should I do?

[ericmsant2]

Hopefully Jack 3 Beans responds to this...

My MLC W appears to be a little nicer these days...but the conversation still remains focused on her new job. I contiue to wake up at the crack of dawn to make her breakfast (this is what I want to do) but I am not sure how she is interpreting this. I have begun to detach but still find myself enjoying our small chats about her job. I am focused on my kids and W now works a lot and cannot be home. D has not come up in a while directly but she appears to still be on that path (based on comments like "what is going on with us"). My questions are...

1) Should I continue to wear my weeding ring? She does not.
2) Should I continue to sleep in the same bed with her?
3) I have read on various posts that sometime one should go dark. At what point does one do this?
4) W is not spending any money, which is contrary to most MLCers' so could she just be WAS?
5) I am not sure if the EA w OM is still ongoing - should I try and find out?
6) Should I flirt at all? I have the past few days and it at least gets me a smile but I am not sure if that is what I should be doing.

Also I am really starting to wonder if it make sense for me to stick around. I spoke with an attny who suggested that I did not have to do anything; however, if I felt D was immenent that I should file, which I do not want to but more and more it looks like D is immenent. Help

I look forward to a response from anyone.

Here is my story...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...831#Post1916831

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...234#Post1924234

[Cadet]

I wouldn't single out Jack because although he does give great advice he is not the only one on this board who gives good advice.

#0 Please try to keep to one thread. It makes things much less confusing

Now
#1 Yes if you still consider yourself married and have not recieved a divorce I personally still do wear my ring.
#2 If it is in the MBR I would. If she wants to move out thats her choice.
#3 When your detaching is not working or her antics are too wild so that you can not control your self. Detaching and NC are for you not for her.
#4 She could still be either one.
#5Probably still is going on. Your finding out is not relevant. However you probably wont like to be with someone who is cake eating.
#6 Will answer for Jack - He likes to flirt. Or at least practice flirting with people in line at grocery store. As far as your W is concerned. Db'ing suggests try something and monitor results. If there are no bad results from flirting with your W. Then why not? However if there is an OM and she is cake eating then you might want to rethink this.

Also I am really starting to wonder if it make sense for me to stick around. I spoke with an attny who suggested that I did not have to do anything;

Listen to attny. Makes sense to me.

Oh one more thing about Jack he lives in Alaska and is usually not on this board early in morning east coast time. It is the middle of the night for him. (unless it is the summer - Then it is light all the time)

[ericmsant2]

Thanks OldPilot

Her antics are actually quite calm. We do not argue, she is not rude or nasty - she pretty much barely speaks or if she does it is very civil. I just do not know what to do. Do I just detach do I try and do something to win her back. Do I try and make a move in the bed room. What do I do?

[ericmsant2]

She has said all along that she wants to pay down the bills and then file in September, which gives me some time I just need to know what I can do to try and turn things around. I have focused on myself and know the mistakes I've made but she seems to have really checked out. So I ask myself why do I even bother.

[Cadet]

She is depressed.
Can you take her on long walks or get her to exercise with you.

So I ask myself why do I even bother.

I assume you love her and since she is sick you feel bad for her.

Have you read the MLC resources?

[ericmsant2]

I glanced at them and they all pretty much say the same thing, which is to be patient, work on yourself and GAL. I am doing all of those things but I wonder if from a financial perspective if it does not make sense for me to move forward and lock down any alimony that she wants. I need to consider my life post this should it turn sour. This is kinda of the big question - to wait or not to wait. Yes, I do love her and yes I feel bad for her but I need to consider my kids and my life as well. Thoughts?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I wouldn't single out Jack because although he does give great advice he is not the only one on this board who gives good advice.

Neither would I.
Ever.
Thanks Pilot, btw.

1) Should I continue to wear my weeding ring? She does not.
2) Should I continue to sleep in the same bed with her?
3) I have read on various posts that sometime one should go dark. At what point does one do this?
4) W is not spending any money, which is contrary to most MLCers' so could she just be WAS?
5) I am not sure if the EA w OM is still ongoing - should I try and find out?
6) Should I flirt at all? I have the past few days and it at least gets me a smile but I am not sure if that is what I should be doing.

1 - Do for you what you want for you. Not to make her feel or think a certain way. Do not do something to trick her or provoke her.

2 - Again do for you...but as a guy, expect NOTHING. This is hard, we tend to get cranky and upset when nothing is happeneing. To that end, take matters into your own hand.

3 - Dark is to protect you from her bulshit, her drama and to prevent you from reacting poorly to it. I do not think it is a good idea to go dark if you are interacting in good ways. Going drak protects their memories of you being a good husband as well. Instead of a raving lunatic if you let her actions/words provoke you.

4 - It is possible. Is she confused, or are her words and deeds confusing you? If she is sending mixed messages, then she likely is not a WAW, from my experience. If she doesn't fully know what she wants then again...not likely a WAW.

5 - Up to you. Hope for the best expect the worst. And REALLY...EXPECT the worst, if you do, you should have a plan of how you are going to act and what you are going to say. At least an idea.

6 - Up to you, but expect little if nothing in return. Showing a lighter side to you cannot hurt, unless you are expecting something in return. Do not base your self esteem off of her current reactions.

Yes, I do love her and yes I feel bad for her but I need to consider my kids and my life as well. Thoughts?

Kids...
Kids are the cross we hold up to our maryterdom.
WE'd be fine with all of this if not for the sake of the kids.

Is she a bad parent?

No...likely not.

I love her...but...

Do you?

It is really hard to DB a marriage if you have a eye to your needs and security.

There is no guarentee.

Commit to one course of action or the other.

Trying to do both will lead to failure.

Would she be here if this was your MLC?

Can you outlast her crisis?

For better or worse? In sickness and in health?

Better and in Health are the easy ones man...hell ANYONE can do that, right?

But worse and in sickness...

Aye, there's the rub.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I glanced at them and they all pretty much say the same thing, which is to be patient, work on yourself and GAL.

There is a reason they ALL say the same thing. That's the way through this for the LBS.

[ericmsant2]

Jack - she does not appear confused on the contrary she has been pretty consistent in her desire for a D; however, she has not filed yet. Her plan is to file in September when her car is paid for and a few of the debts are paid down. She has also said that this is "about her" and that she lost herself in the marraige and allowed me to control everything (which i did). My therapist thinks she is having an identity crisis so I do not know if I should take the WAS approach re: the EA or if I should wait and just be patient. This is where i need the most help. She is a very good mother and has been for a while, most of the mistake in the marraige were the result of my immaturity and insecurity (i.e. jealous, controling, etc). I have worked very hard to change these behaviors but I just do not think she is open to seeing any of the changes. Help.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You have that ammount of time to SHOW her you are the better option.

The confusion is just my definition of a life crisis, because that is how I experienced it. : )

Start showing her...and not just with breakfast. Be a man of prinicpal morals and compassion.