Well… I’ve been stalling about coming over here because I don’t feel like my H and I are “Piecing our marriage back together” but maybe the operative word here is “PIECING” as in particle by particle.
Our rebuilding our marriage is not a conscious committed thing that is happening here. My H has done this, the way he does everything. He just does it. My story is in the MLC forum. It is called: “The LONG Road Home- an MLC journey”.:
It was in January of 1999 that my H dropped the bomb. I thought we were working it through. Later, much later, I found out that my H had an affair that started, I believe around August of 1999. Anyway, the story is over in that forum.
Here, I hope to share issues that I am dealing with now. These issues do not quite fit within the MLC forum.
We were scheduled to go to Retrouvaille next weekend but my H needed it postponed, until the November first weekend because of a time crunch problem.
Here is the situation, as I understand it today. We had to move in the beginning of August. At that time I told my H that I was NOT moving into another house with him if he didn’t stop seeing OW and start some kind of reconciliation, which included going to Retrouvaille and a counselor. If he wanted to be with her that was fine but I was done living with him if that was his choice. He replied that he wanted his family and that he wasn’t “having a relationship” with her, they were just friends.
Well, as you might imagine (especially those of you that have been through the whole MLC thing) his response wasn’t that reassuring but the changes in his behavior indicated that he was making an effort and he DID say he would go to Retrouvaille. So we bought a house.
I packed up all of our stuff and left with the children for a 3-week vacation in New England. H stayed behind, worked and supervised the move. When we returned all of our boxes and stuff were in our new house. H was difficult (though H has never handled our return from a trip very well) when we returned and I felt duped (so I was angry) because he was sleeping in his studio and not the master bedroom. We argued and he said he didn’t want to go to Retrouvaille and I blew up. Finally we worked through that and now he seems to be committed to going.
He has been pleasant and thoughtful for the most part. I too have been pleasant and thoughtful as well. But, underneath I am still dealing with resentment. Nothing has been really talked about and H basically has what he wants. A family life with no intimacy and commitment towards me. He is committed to supporting the family. He says he wants to attempt to be friends and to go very slowly.
I work on my resentment daily and give him the benefit of the doubt, basically biding my time until Retrouvaille to deal with anything of an OR nature.
If you read about my story you will see that H is doing REALLY well in comparison to how he behaved in the first 2+ years of his MLC. I believe I’ll just be one of those that just waited it out until MLC ran it’s full course and H decides he wants to share a bed.
I did this for my children. Really! They went through such hardship those first years of my H’s MLC. They still love their dad and I worked so hard to create stability for them in the midst of terrible chaos. I did achieve that. And now H does seem to be better and it would then be me that was tearing up the stable family because I wasn’t happy. It’s not horrible, just pleasant. No one to warm up with at night. No one to touch you all the way to your soul. I don't have anywhere near the kind of intimacy that I crave, but I wonder if even at our best will that ever happen? I think my H doesn’t want that kind of intimacy. He was the great love of my life. But, perhaps we never had true intimacy any way. What is true intimacy?
Well, I can go on (and do frequently). I’m feeling a little melancholic as I write this, perhaps you picked that up. I’d love to hear your thoughts, observations, jokes, or whatever. I have written a snap shot view of a very complex issue that is clouded by my current filter. It is skewed in a less then happy way right now. But, I am grateful to God for everything and do leave it in his hands and just try to do my best.
Spent a long night last night. Saturday nights still tend to be a challange. Not in the way that they used to be but challanging still.
One of the things that resulted out of H's MLC was that he went out every Sat. and in the first 2+- years, every other night as well. To insure that H would have to stay home with the kids at least once a week, and to create some mystery, I decided to go out once a week. So every friday I went out, while he was home with the kids. It evolved too, Friday nights, I'm out, Saturday nights, He's out. I hated this as an example for the kids. When I returned from our trip east, I proclaimed that Friday night was family night and that I would not be going out. I told H that I'm am "giving up" my night out to try to create a sense of family. If he felt the need to go out then that would defeat the purpose and I just as soon go out then. Voila, keeps him home and I don't have to go out and feel isolated from my family.
Well, every Sat. night he still goes out. It's better. He comes home before 1:00. and usually has some "acceptable" plans. Such as Jamming with his old group.
I have made it through this far and the MLC behavior is abating little by little.
So, I sent my H this e-mail regarding this past Saturday night where he was gone all day on a shoot and then chose to go out instead of coming home afterwards. Now, remember I usually say nothing. But, I have to balance that to take care of myself.
XXXX I don't know how to say this inoffensively or any other way then to just come out and say it.( this is not about me criticizing or judging you, it's about what I had to deal with last night based on your actions) So:
I don't like being left home alone with a child that is distraught because you chose not to come home. He was very upset and I had no context to put it in because he understood it and believed that you did not want to be with us.
That's it in a nutshell.
XXXX
I didn't try to sugar coat it or anything. Some times I just get so tired of being pleasant.
Dear Kansha: Your story has some similarities with my storie... My h as you know dropped the second bomb a month ago... also this time he insist he didnt want to make a precipitate decission... So, he is still at home, living as a familly, but almost not touch or lovely details for me (also we had made love two times and one or two mornings he look for me touching)... I feel him still distant, still confuse, and he doesnt comunicate nothing at all... As your h going out, here is an example of whats going on my home... On friday again he went out alone with a "buddie".. i get slept but my little son had called him to his cell phone (i knew this the day after because as i told you i was slept... and maybe my little son is catching something is going around us, because he now insist a lot to call his daddy when he didnt arrive home early)... When he arrived home (1:00am) i wake up and asked him where he was... H: i was with XXX enjoying some drinks... Me: can you call me to tell me you were going to arrive late...?... so i can sleep in calm (because insecurity here in my country) or make some plans... h: Our son had called me twice and i told him where i was... me: i didnt know that he called you because i was sleeping.. and he is he... me is me... i am not anything else beside you that doesnt deserve consideration... and the only thing i am asking you is to call me... i am not demanding stop getting out with your buddies is this is what you want to do... i am only asking for a call... h: You can call me if you want to join us drinking something. Me: no... i dont have to call you at all... The one who have the plans is you,not me...! After that he put louder TV, i told him that as he didnt want to talk, i will talk in another moment because there were many things i want to express because i wasnt feeling good with our marriage... and how the things are...
They day after (saturday) i went out early, then he go to the mountain, stay all day in home and nothing speak or told about the conversation the day before... and this time i dont want to talk... On Sunday more or less the same situation... He went out alone at 5:00 and arrive home at 9:00 (because my son again called him) without giving me any explanation of where he was... Also he left his wedding ring on the night table before going out... At 11:00pm my phone cell rang... there was no call register in my cell (this is strange) and he began to ask and ask who was calling me at that hour... he is figuring that someone is calling me... jelaus... i dont know who call... and i told him the true but he doesnt beleive me... he get sleep and again wake up asking me again about the strange call... So, today in the morning i felt i need to talk... i reach the top... i cant wait more days and days... expecting what will be his mood, his behavior, etc...etc... etc... i am crazy being in limboland because he doesnt comunicate nothing at all... So, after lefting my little baby in her first college day, i went to his doctor office... wait until he arrive... he was surprise because my presence... i enter to his office.. and told him i need to talk about us... that i cant wait more expecting what will be his mood, his behavior... that on friday the only thing i ask what consideration for me, that i respect his space, but i only ask for minimal consideration for the person who share the life with him... He told me my son had called him and he was sure my son was beside me... i told him my son was awake and i was slept... He told me he was in calm... that he have his concious in peace... that the life goes on and he was living life with his familly... But the more part of the conversation was again about his doubt because the strange call to my cell phone last night... He had many many women outside waiting for the consult, so he ask me to talk in another moment... i ask him to talk today... and left his office...!!... Today he was again wearing his wedding ring... So, it seams i will have that conversation, because i need to have it... Without comunication between us this will not work... without knowing each other whats is on our hearts and mind, we can be together...!!... What do you think...?... any advices...?... please help...!!... i dont know is the behavior is pushing him away, but in this moment my anger makes me feel and think first in me... i need peace and live in calm... knowing where i stand... Its true they need space to resolve their own dealings, but i feel my h isnt resolving anything... he is avoiding his conflicts, living day by day, feeling the way he wants to feel day by day, without any consideration for me...!!... So... we can give them space... but we also can expect validation, comunication and consideration...!!...
Is it working? When you ask him to call and let you know where he is? If it is not working, and it doesn't sound like it is, from your post, STOP doing that and try something else.
What I found was, in the first 2 years of my H's MLC, asking him to call me when he was going to be late, just didn't work. I think it can drive them further away because they begin to think of us as their mother and want to rebel.
Try not being home when he gets home. Try, calling him and telling him you are wearing something slinky. Go meet him for drinks. Do something different.
" Its true they need space to resolve their own dealings, but i feel my h isnt resolving anything... he is avoiding his conflicts, living day by day, feeling the way he wants to feel day by day, without any consideration for me...!!... So... we can give them space... but we also can expect validation, comunication and consideration...!!... "
If your H is in MLC, this takes a long long time and they are too self-centered to care about our needs at all. It's just seems like more of MOM nagging and they are more likely to rebel.
Treat him like you would a teenager.(Well, I mean you can't take away his car, LOL)
But you know that they need love and understanding even when they behave horridly and nagging just doesn't work with them. You have to find creative ways to get them to "toe the line".
You are clever Andrea, I know you will come up with something. Direct confrontation doesn't work with an MLCer. They can't see you or your point of view.
Kansha: Thanks a lot for great great advices... can yu enter my thread just to comment my h words in our last conversation...?... thanks a lot again... my last thread
I don't look in on the board everyday and don't always post, so I guess that is how I missed some of your latest developments. I didn't realize you were over here on piecing.
Sorry about the delay in the Retouvaille weekend. Are his reasons genuine or is he delaying because he doesn't want to confront himself?? How much contact does he still having with OW? You really need her out of the picture. I sure hope she finds some other man to sink her claws into soon.
One thing I think you may still have to work on is sending him those e-mails. No matter how hard you try and avoid being critical any references to his behavior or interaction with you or the children is just going to get his back up. Maybe you could go back to smashing the plates. Do you have any left?
How did the children adjust to the move? Did they have to change schools? Have you sorted out the school fees?
I haven't got any plans to come out your way again, but I am hoping to join the winter party in Colorado at the end of January. I think Luke is moving ahead with the paper work on the D as he met her parent's this summer for the first time. I am 1000% certain they do not know of the circumstances behind their daughter's living arrangements. At worst they think he has no family, at best they think he is separated and working towards a D. They don't know, I am certain, of their D's role in all this. They were probably talking wedding bells and he feels bad about letting her parents down. So he is going through the motions. When I asked him if he was sure he wanted a D, the response I got was, 'I am certain as any one can be in my situation'. Sounds to me like he feels he is being forced into it by circumstance. What he would really like to do is sit on the fence a bit longer.
Actually, this time the e-mail turned out well. He responded to me a little annoyed but gave me the context and explanation that I should have gotten that night.
my reply to him was: XXXX: Thanks for the reply. If you had been able to communicate the following last night, I would've been able to create that context. "We wrapped all the shooting for the video last night. This dedicated team who volenteered for my video needed to be acknowledged for all their weeks of work. Normally, you have a "Wrap" party for major milestones like this. The least I could was hang out with them..."
Of course given the above context, Not coming home after the shoot makes sense. Well, to me anyway.
As far as disappointing someone, I'd much rather disappoint just about anybody other then my children and you. But then that's just me. I hope you can soon find a way to balance things a little better for yourself. I'll help if I can. H
Whew, all's well that ends well! LOL
H's reason for delaying Retrouvaille were totally understandable and if he hadn't gone through MLC, I wouldn't even think twice about postponeing it.
Yesterday, I told him I had cancelled the weekend and he immediately jumped in with, "but, you rescheduled it for November, didn't you?"
Gosh, Credo, I sure wish the tramp was out of the picture. At this time, I need to just ignore her. I do believe he is continuing to detach from her, though.
I am finally in the unique opportunity to make him feel so welcomed and appreciated at home that it is drawing him further in. Before, he wasn't interested in anything but his other life.
We've had many positive interactions that I'm hoping can be strung together and counteract any lingering reluctance he has.
As einstein says on his thread: "Happy & Positive interactions are the goal! As positive interactions accumulate the expansion of good is wider than before -this is the goal. It's more important that each interaction laterally expands the relationship in a positive way regardless of the context, content or length of interaction; e.g. if you met for coffee, coffee, coffee -as long as it's a positive interaction, it still has the same positive effect..."
That's what I've been doing and I think it is working. It is also working because it is the right time in this process.
No, I have no more plates to break. I'm hoping that phase is history.
The move was only a mile or so away and we chose the place because of it's proximity to their school.
We are still adjusting to the move. We moved from a small house with lots of built in shelves and storage to a large house with no shelves or storage and we have no furniture.
I'm so happy, I'm culling down our stuff by half.
Soon, we will buy some furniture. LOL
Ohhh, I'm so bummed that you aren't going to be out my way any time soon. I guess I'll have to trek on out to Colorado if I want to see you.
I might just do that. I just reconnected with an old girlfriend who lives there.
I'm sorry about Luke meeting the parents. I think you may be right. Where is his backbone? How can one feel obligated to get a divorce and obligated to marry. These are life decisions????
I'm sorry little girl is unwell. What bad timing. I hope they find out what's wrong with her and that she gets better quickly.
My D had a relapse of her illness this summer. Still don't know what it is. The medical establishment is still following the Lupus diagnosis as a possible explanation. (You have to have 3 or 4 flair ups for Lupus to be truly diagnosed)
Well, I'm sending a big hug your way. I'm so glad you came to visit me over here on the "Piecing" Forum. E-mail me some day, I'd love to hear about the "juicy" stuff happening in your life." Hugs, Holly
A funny thing happened, a kind of a cosmic joke, actually. LOL.
My H ran out of checks from his "personal" checking account. So, he ordered new ones. They always only had his name on them. Well, this time, they had both his name and my name on them. Hahahahahahah!
Some of you may remember he had to have his own "secret" bank account.
Now if God forbid, he writes ow any more checks, they will have my name on them also.
I told him to send them back if he didn't want my name on them. It only dawned on me this AM how, funny it really is.
No real news to report. I'm still in the good fight. Only it's pleasant now not, heartrenching.
I have my plan: to make as many positive interactions as possible. That is working.
I hope everyone makes it a great day. Hang in there, I'm right along side ya.
St Kansha: Still hard at it & doing great. That is funny! Yesterday I found out H is still using checks with my phone number on them (he moved out over a year ago). Hydro phoned to say his check bounced for apt! Too funny. I got to know about it. I left you a message on Snodderly's thread. I am visiting California in a couple of weeks. Maybe we could meet. I've been posting to you for nearly a year now. Plan to meet Rapunzel & maybe someone else. Email me if you think its a possibility. travelbarb@hotmail.com. Take care, Barb
