I have added the link to my previous post and I have actually been pretty quiet for a month. But the last couple of days have been a little trying.
The 180's that I am working on currently are working out (lost 54 pounds and two pants sizes..I joke with my S8 that I lost a whole him..LOL), seeing a therapist weekly, spending a lot more time with the kids playing games, doing homework, and setting positive boundaries that they are responding to incredibly (My S8 has actually kept his room clean for two months straight), and working a lot less (40 hours a week verse 55-60 hours a week). Now all these changes have been great for me and I am in a better mood a majority of the time, but it seems like the lows are much more drastic.
So now comes the confusing part for me..or maybe I am expecting more out of the comments then is actually there at this time. One of our largest issues has been our financial problems (my wife said this week that it was a majority of our problem) as everybody knows about in the current economy. So during the start of the week we discussed options to help reduce our debt and get out from under this problem. So the first confusing part is we are obviously talking about the future when we discuss fixing our finances. The next part was a dilemma on how to refi our house and we started talking about living together in terms of years. Then my wife added a comment out of the blue were she said "things will return to the way they were" not in relation to our finances but our relationship and her returning home full time. To which I truthfully replied that things have changed and we will never go back to the way things were. She then hushed up and the conversation ended because I needed to work out.
So we get to today and another discussion involving an issue that is very sensitive to my wife. My parents live on the other side of the country and try to plan a vacation with us for a week once a year. My wife does not like vacationing with my parents, but has grudgingly gone on these vacations in the past. During our last vacation I discussed with my parents going to Disney world this year in July (I had motives at the time because I was going to arrange for a little ceremony to renew our wedding vows because she has told me that I don't handle things like that and I usually pass them off to her) on our 10th anniversary. So yesterday my mother calls and confirms that the accommodation's are booked for two weeks in July. This morning my wife responds that this is another example of our problems because I don't listen to her (which I didn't because I wanted our kids to spend time with their grandparents). She said she doesn't want to go, didn't want to go before the situation, we can't afford it, she doesn't want to go to Florida in July, and she isn't into family time at this moment. So I remind her of my motives, to which she replies she doesn't like surprises...which wasn't my intent..just to set it up before we discussed it, about renewing our vows. I also informed her that my parents had only a 50% chance of going if that. So the conversation continued for a bit and in the context of the discussion I reiterated to one of her comments that "I was learning from my mistakes and that I wasn't going back to the person I was ever". We proceeded to talk about it for a few more minutes when she replies "Well you don't expect the situation to change instantly because of the these changes" to which I replied "No I don't".
So she returned from work today and asked to go over to her GF's for the night (we have a schedule and this is my weekend to go out and relax...but we are short on cash so I wouldn't be able to go out anyways..not even for a drive). I asked her to stay and help with the kids because I wanted a break to which she replied "you will get up with the kids anyways..You are asking me to stay because you want me to stay...and I don't care". To this I told her to go...but was a little unhappy with her decision.
Our relationship is currently just friends with no intimate or emotional contact. We do share the same bed when she is home. Her relationship with the GF appears to be rocky and I am trying hard not to get involved since I was good friends with her GF. My wife often returns home from their overnights moody saying it is because she doesn't want to come home but then other issue start popping up later in the day or week pertaining to her moodiness in relation to their relationship.
I see positives and negatives and I am inquiring to anybody else's experiences with a situation that is similar. I will add that my wife hasn't said she wants a divorce, but she would leave on her own for awhile if we could afford it (which we can't).
I wish I could offer advice. The good news is your wife hasnt completely cut off communication. My wife just left, disappeared as you can read in my sitch. It is devastating.
I say is be stern with her. Let her know you love her but don't argue. Just live your life and detatch from her. As she realizes that you are seperating from you, I think she will start to realize what she is missing...and that is you.
Thanks for stopping by. Sorry you're facing this. Your wife needs to figure things out. Let go - and give her room. If you pressure your wife, or demand a family vacation, you'll push her farther away. Meanwhile, refrain from relationship talk, and listen to her words. It'll make her feel valued. Even if you do not agree, do not argue. Treat her like a roommate. These techniques are called 180s. Technically speaking, you change your relationship by changing yourself. If you stay busy, and Get-a-Life by participating in rewarding activities, it'll help you too. I also suggest Michele's book, Divorce Remedy.
