Letter from WAW after she flew to my city for talk

[GH31]

Hi TheGoodFight,

Thanks for looking out for me. I just got another email from her saying that she had booked the first two nights of our accommodation. There are another two nights where we will be staying in another city so that also needs to be taken care of.

I have deliberately let her take the initiative on arranging this trip - I am of the opinion that if it's she that's doing the legwork, that there is a greater chance of her actually following through. I am still encouraged by everthing but anxious to see her actually follow through. I know she must be having a very hard time in her mind.

I just recieved DR in the mail today and am already getting stuck in. Have already read through the 5LL and DB several times.

Prayers are with you too. This is a hard, hard journey but as Churchill said, "if you're going through Hell, keep going!".

best,

GH31

[saffie]

GH,

Keep up the good work. I just hope you don't get any more surprises before she comes home.

[saffie]

GH,

How's it going?

[GH31]

Hi Saffie and everyone else who has been looking out for me on these boards,

I am pleased to tell you that my wife did come home on Wednesday 16.04.2008 as she said she would. We had been separated a total of 80 days. I met her at the airport and put her travel pass in a dark red card for her (her favourite colour) and met her, carrying the rest of her things. Gifts is her Love Language so I also had a big spread of helium balloons and birthday presents waiting for her at home. However, she did look very sad and ashen white as she had spent the previous couple of days breaking up with OM. She only had 30 minutes sleep the night before she came back. During her birthday last week she was trying to explain to him that she had been "having doubts" about her decision to leave our M.

Now, I am elated about these developments but I am also very very cautious. She is also. In fact, I expect it to take many many more months to really be out of the woods and a sexual relationship at the moment is, I think, out of the question. She is sad to have broken OM's heart as he is a "very good person", "did everything right" and "deserves to be happy". He has also said that he "feels foolish", that "GH31 is never going to change" and that "you should give it more time". OM ripped up the birthday card that W had given him and was very, very upset. I feel for him, but I am also very paranoid that W will up and leave again (not that I am acting as if she would) and that W still has contact.

I have gently suggested that no good can come of any contact - for anyone involved. She did ask me to leave the room so she could write a "confidential email" to "offer him words of comfort" as he felt the last email W sent was "cold". It really, really bothered me that she wanted to send him an email and I gently said that for me it was like being slaughtered all over again but that I understood her wish and compassion in offering comforting words. It is fine for me and W to talk about OM but for her to send emails or have any contact is like a knife in the heart all over again.

She is sad, sleepy and very wary of me. I accept this and have mentioned that I respect her courage in coming back, and the fact that she decided to sacrifice her independent life.

We have not made any formal announcement to family in Australia and neither are we wearing our wedding rings yet. We went out the night she got back and I took her out for cocktails and pool. Alcohol is, as you know, a social lubricant so we ended up speaking about everything relating to OM. I have determined that what he offered that I did not was "kindness, generosity, selflessness and giving her compliments and affection all the time". I have always been reluctant to tell my wife how wonderful I think she is as I thought it would make me less of a man. How dumb can a man like me be? Really? Also, whenever I am not with her I am concerned she is calling or texting OM, even if I have no reason to suspect. These emotions I am told will take a while to subside and I have also mentioned to W that I'm sure it'll take a while for her to really trust me again. To trust that my selfishness, serpent tongue, anger and contempt really are things of the past. They are as far as I am concerned but I understand and accept that it will take some time for that to change. Honestly, I am very concerned about things unravelling again but will continue to DB my butt off until the end of days. At the moment I am giving her nothing but unconditional love and friendship.

So far I have been able to caress her head every night so that she can sleep and this morning I even caressed her bare back for 1 hour. Naturally I want to see the positive things continue. Baby steps. I am going to hang around here for a while before moving into piecing as I can sense that things are still very, very delicate. She is reluctant to talk about future plans like she has been during the last few visits and I expect that she will need time to grieve. My biggest concern is any more contact with OM although W has said that that will have to stop in order for our R to work.

In spite of the enormity of the task ahead and the fact that I am nothing like out of the woods, these are great problems to have compared to where I was a month and a half ago.

I sincerely thank all of you for looking out for me thus far and I am going to be hanging out here in Newcomers for a while yet.

all the best,

GH31

[saffie]

GH

Thank you so much for updating us. You sound as though you know what you need to do in order for things to work out for you both and you are taking a sensible approach.

I imagine your W is carrying a lot of guilt around at the moment for the OM. I know my H felt guilt about OW. She needs to get through this and you sound very supportive. Don't bad mouth OM as that will make her leap to his defense - better if she has contact that he is not complementary about you but you show your W you are the bigger person and can rise above it. Show your W by your actions that you have changed. She is with you and that is a good portion of the battle.

I will keep checking back - but in the mean time - congratulations, and I am glad she has talked to you about OM. Now you can begin to heal.

[GH31]

Well, my wonderful wife has been with back with me now for 6 days. We are currently on holiday in Europe and heading home tomorrow. It has been fantastic to have her back and at times very tough because she is still getting over OM and extremely wary of me. I will not be getting any of my needs met for some time I don't think.

She said she is "just waiting" for me to have an angry outburst or do something thoroughly selfish and objectionable. We went into a restaurant yesterday and I started singing out loud to a tune that was playing, something that she didn't like, and she then said that brought all of the "old feelings" back from the few days before she left. So, in the truest sense of DBing that does not work, so I will NOT be doing that again.

Today has been better. Took her for a few games of pool, lunch and caressed her head for about one and a half hours this afternoon so she could relax. She is very reserved and not showing any affection - she is still really hurting so I am not going to expect any. Given the way I have treated her she is perfectly entitled to feel resentful and cautious towards me. We have both agreed that we are going to be friends first and reconnect before entertaining the idea of anything else.

In all I am pleased with the direction of things. We are able to be affectionate, lean on each other etc, but we are not out of the woods and won't be for a while. I confided in her that I feel like I am walking on eggshells and that my every move is being scrutinised but, that's the way it has to be for now. Once she is sufficiently over OM which I am told can take some time, I will be filling up that love bank account of hers as quick as I possibly can.

Take care all of you and keep DBing. Focus on the baby steps in the right direction.

love,

GH31

[saffie]

Thanks for the update GH.

[GH31]

Just got back from holiday and this is the 8th day that W has been back. Things have taken a very bad turn for the worse and W is now saying that she wants more "time apart" to "reflect". She told me in the airport last night that she "just wants us to be friends for now". It has now been 3 months since all of this began and I am at the end of my rope.

When she asked me the same question last week, I asked her if she too was 100% to working on our future together and she said "yes, but there would be a transition period". She has had a surge of hurt and resentment since she came back and has said that it is "too much, too soon" and that she "isn't ready ready to live me again yet". She is also saying she might go back to stay with OM "for a while" in England and also confessed to me that she still has stuff at his house that she would need to go and collect "at some stage". They still have contact.

We have been sleeping together and she has been happy for me to caress/hold/massage her but she just cannot get past this resentment and hurt. At least not now, and she doesn't want to give it a chance. We have been sharing a bed and perhaps we got a little too far ahead of ourselves. She admits that she was hopelessly in love with me before and probably still is deep down, but that the hurt and resentment are getting in the way. Frankly I am crushed beyond belief, feeling betrayed, used and taken for a ride all over again. I paid for this holiday and she suggested it.


I frankly think that she is still vacillating between me and OM and that until one of us is out of the picture, she cannot decide - literally that she physiologically cannot. She either has to complete withdrawal or the A has to die a natural death before anything can begin again in earnest. If she is undergoing withdrawal then of course it is very easy to feel resentment, anger, hurt, depression, anxiety but I cannot see any way to effectively communicate this.

Going back to DBing 101, I think the first sign that things have progressed will be that she doesn't go again. I have a flight on Monday going back to Sydney which I am thinking of taking, and she is asking if I can ship all of her stuff back. Father-in-law lives in the home that we had and he would be very happy for me to stay again. Please help. I feel that I am in an even worse place than when I started DBing. We both agree that separation is very dangerous to a marriage.

best,

GH31

[saffie]

Firstly, she doesn't have to collect her things from OM - she can arrange to have it shipped. If she has ANY contact with him it is going to be harder to let go. If needs be YOU could go and get the stuff. She says she is 100% committed but she doesn't act like it.

Have you thought about having a word with the OM? Does he know the true state of play between you and your W?

Australia is a long way away, to me it feels to far if you are fighting for this M. Going on holidays etc isn't real life - your W is just oscillating and this is causing you much hurt. Do what will make you feel more comfortable. Don't get mad or angry as that will just make her think you haven't really changed, but do what is the best course of action for you. If you are meant to be together she will come back and follow you wherever you end up.

If my memory serves me right she hasn't told her family in England what is going on because she is ashamed - that indicates to me she knows it's wrong. Maybe it is time you went public with her behaviour.

I am so sorry she is doing this to you.

[Phoenixdeux]

GH,

I thought this would probably happen. Know what she neatly did? Made you accept that things continue with OM. You went from saying you wouldn't have her back unless she was done, to letting her continue things with OM while she's with you. She's talking about how she doesn't trust you are different and taking attention away from the fact that SHE'S CHEATING ON YOU.

Yes, they have withdrawals, but I'll tell you what...withdrawals don't end if you keep do a little bit of what you are withdrawing from, like cigarettes...you can't quit by smoking one or two a day.

I thought she responded better to the guy that showed his strong side and wouldn't put up with that. She started talking about trying again when she felt she was losing you, and started backsliding when she had you and you were being more needy and accepting of her affair. Something to consider. If it were me, I'd tell her if she wasn't with you because she wants the marriage to work, that it would be better for her to go.