I've posted here for over a year now, but haven't used this new system to do a new post, so here goes.
H: now 50 Me 46 Marriage 25+ years S21 d18 (senior in HS) d9
The shortest version of the sitch is: After 2 medical degrees and residency (and me college and law school and 3 kids) H was still restless and unsatisfied. So H made some "private" decisions about his career that included going off to Stanford for a year long prestigious fellowship b/c he is a workaholic who needs as many credentials as possible,for whatever reason. Stanford is 300 miles away and it hurt me deeply that he went despite my strenuous objections. Drove off with me and the kids in the driveway, NOT waving back...ONLY to have that YEAR pass, with about 3 days a month together, only to have him take that flippin' job up in Alaska, which he had denied, but I suspected, was the whole real reason behind the fellowship (they're the only entity requiring h to have that fellowship on top of all his other degrees, DVM, MD, bd cert anesthesiolgist, blah blah blah etc.) and the one state I did NOT want to live in. We lived in the interior of Alaska in the late 90's and since that assignment, H has always wanted to return there (Anchorage, actually) even though I hated the long winters and smallness of the "cities" towns.... (Concession: Anchorage is scenic and much larger than Fairbanks where we lived. That's the armpit of Alaska, and the other note is that H went native on me, hunting fishing as much as possible and sometimes taking our son, then 12. I gave birth a month after getting there and infants don't do well in -40'f so I'm sure I was a big drag...)..
Lately he has had amnesia and now acts as if he is/was doing it FOR us, or his career and HAD to do it, but he knows at some level, he "misbehaved" b/c even if his career choices were fine, he lied repeatedly. Interviewed up there at least 3 times without telling me, even saying he was working on taxes and couldn't return that weekend...blah blah blah. The lying killed me, and I told him that the first time he did it. But he did it again, two more times and I couldn't reach him, for days and how weird is that? No OW, and DB coach agrees, since God knows I've wondered how he could be such a smart guy making such stupid choices....etc. He was obsessed by the thought of living there with his "heroes" guys who seem happy and rich...h has always gravitated to the alpha male in a group and emulated him to the point of being pathetic, sort of cute, but still, not mature...I recall him buying a '73 Int'l Harvester truck while we were waiting for our cars to ship, and I was 9 months pregnant and the springs were so bad in that truck (which also didn't hold our 2 kids and my belly)...I swear it caused contractions...ALL b/c a hunter/macho guy owned one and said "it's a classic" (words to die by...). That's one of many purchases he made without my knowing or consent and that behavior began shortly after I stopped working full time and became a sahm (3 KIDS, mind you, IN ALASKA and I'd have to had taken the bar exam, etc.--too crazy and we agreed....but he has forgotten all that. Just knows HE earns the money, though lately does not say that out loud...)
He has missed the last 2 years of our d18's high school, and so much more...Seemed like a MLC b/c some other behaviors changed too, but then, maybe he was always selfish and I was blind....
I started DBing and we started fighting less. I opened my heart and mind to visiting him there. I got a very good job offer from the heroes, (I'm an attorney and we both put ourselves thru all this schooling...). Seems I am uprooting our d9 to go up and live there for 2 years, to "try" it out. H says he will return here, or other agreeable place, if we are not BOTH happy there in 2 years. I am choosing to believe him.
Issues: H was raised military, (and we spent years in the Army as well) and so lacks the need/sense of roots that I have. I'm fine living here in California even though I was raised on the east coast. I just don't want to have to keep moving, let alone with the kids. I stayed behind with d18 for her to finish HS in one place, as we had always promised. Had we followed H, we'd have moved her 4 times in 4 years. Besides, none of us want to live there, except him.
I've already agreed to give it a try up there, informally at least. Looking for houses, schools, etc. But I find myself thinking that I've "caved in" which is a phrase h once blurted out in mc when he kept lying and doing wth he wanted. Like he had no family to consider. H, sorry to say, IS selfish.
However, he is also lonely and since September (the Day he finished the boards, actually) he has called at least once a day (usually 2-4 times) and says he loves me/us and can't wait for us to join him, how great it's going to be to be together, "wants to show that he can be a better H", "wants the chance to eat some crow, since he knows he has a lot of crow to eat" - his words.... Says he has "pent up need for his family" etc. So he is saying a lot of things I need to hear. And he's kind with us, less irritable than before, and apparently his hours will finally be better.
He was making plenty of money before this craziness. And he's taken a huge pay cut the past 2 years (no savings left, although I THINK our retirement is ok) in order to make a gazillion dollars up there.
His numbers MIGHT be right and I don't care if they are. I mean, you could not pay me enough to leave my daughters for 2 years, seeing them monthly or so...I honestly cannot relate to it at all, but I want to forgive it, even though I cannot understand it.
Had a good DB session with my coach today. SHE lives in 3 places due to her h's job, although no lying and crazy behavior took place. Since we're keeping the house for now, UN rented so I have an escape route incase the winter gets to be too much for me, maybe this is doable. HER notes below, after some more ranting....
But my anger pops up more frequently as I realize I will be doing basically ALL the HARD work and I will be plugging d9 into her new environment, dropping off my best buddy d18 at college (sigh, tears, etc) and putting 3000 miles between us. The girls are close, and now they'll be so far apart, as will I. All for what? So my lying selfish workaholic greedy H can feel better about himself? Be with his heroes, the ones he truly LOVES? So he can be RIGHT? I don't care about the money, we weren't poor...ahhhh so you see the anger does pop up...
We still have chemistry and always have had a good sex life. We were once a good team together. His expecations of me are high (I said I wanted to be in politics to save the world, I was 19 years old...) as in he thinks I should have "lit the world on fire" by now...(Exact quote). He laughs at all my jokes.
He's smart enough not to feel threatened by me, and to never bore me. He's a good father, when he's around...his dad was in Vietnam twice, so maybe h figures it's normal to miss years of a kid's life. The other day I told him to work on his R with d18--okay, I asked him, and he said he was "tired of chasing" and that she "never calls" him....I said, "You're the adult and you're the one who left us/her which to her/me feels like rejection so you have to deal with the consequences of her feeling this way...is it such a surprise?" SOMEHOW, this actually did not infuriate him (not DB of me, I know, but I'm human) and made him quiet. He told me last night he had not slept well b/c he was "HAUNTED BY" the things I told him about his R with d18...
DB coach to empathize with his "haunted" feelings, without saying "OF COURSE YOU IDIOT," or words to that effect...said to say tings like "must be hard for you to be so far apart when all these things are happening in her/our lives". I'll try... DB coach also said for me to make a List of what being "happy" in Alaska would look like and to EVENTUALLY share that with h....and to ask him the same thing. What would "success" there mean?
So, I know that going up there with a crappy attitude WILL FAIL, and I won't do that. So unless I'm going to make a drastic change in direction, I need to get a PMA and hike on up to the tundraland, with d9, leaving d18 in the sun. I can visit often...
Am I caving in? Am I just whining b/c I'm stressed out about pending losses? DB coach said I'm grieving. (sigh...she's right...)...When I re-read this, I see my ranting and how negative it is. But then, isn't that what I need to do HERE??
PLAN: focus on positives about new "adventure" and do NOT take job if it means losing creative opportunities for outlets (per DB coach and she's right)...DO take job if alternative is boredom-alcoholism/suicide....Be upbeat for both daughters....and h/M....
Buy gun for bear...practice shooting...a lot...other suggestions?
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Buy LOTS of warm clothing and bug spray and don't forget the all-around studded winter tires. If you're into gardening, forget it, unless you have a greenhouse.
Fill your house with full spectrum lights to battle SAD and, last but not least, - enjoy yourself and your family
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Well, he is alot clueless, a little selfish, wanting to do good, but not realizing it looks different to you.
I also think you haven't made an informal agreemment to join him, I think you know it's pretty much a done deal.
Some men just have to have a crazy life, and he is one of them. You may be a homebody, who wants a nice feathered nest, but he wants Alaska, and he wants you, so obviously he has told the heroes all this, so they offered you a job. He is probably feeling kinda proud of himself, of what he has accomplished, and when yall get up there, he will be pleased as punch.
The sisters will have to use their cell phones alot, and hopefully have camera phones. Email, too.
I don't think his heroes are the ones he truly loves, he needs to do what he is doing, as much as he needs to breathe, and he wants you to be there to share it with him. And you are not doing all the hard work, he will be working hard for your approval, that'll be tough.
And yes, you are whining, and grieving, but that's understandable.
Yes, learn to shoot, take up needlepoint, sewing, art, reading, enjoy having lots of sex with your H after not so much of it. Maybe learn to do scrimshaw, or take up running in case you have to run from a bear when your gun jams.
And most of all, remember you are off on a great adventure, the biggest one of your life, most likely.
After reading that all I can say is that he is selfish, selfish, selfish, oh and may I add a master manipulator as well!
OK, so what's in this for you? Why wouldn't you be somewhat negative? You are the one making all of the concessions and have for the last few years.
He says that if your not happy within 2 years he'll leave with you. I don't think from what you wrote that you are at all convinced that this is true.
He should be haunted about how he treated his kids. Obviously he is the most important person in his life. Look around at someone who is a truly loving and involved Father. Nothing could make them choose between their job or their kids, especially when they had the luxury of choice. Sorry but this makes me so angry. As I said before, I lived your life.
J - Just wanted to remind you that, despite everything else, your H seems to have been the rare one who went through midlife crisis WITHOUT having an affair.
I can't believe that you would insinuate anything about my marriage from what I said.
I didn't make it to piecing but it wasn't from lack of trying. Sometimes our choices are made for us.
You don't know me or my motives. My heart goes out to the people here that are in pain. I just want J to think about what the pay off is for her and only she knows her husband well enough and his past history to answer that.
25yrs, I just read your post and I'll probably get blasted for this by BND but there are times when a D is probably the "best" thing that could happen. You've lived your life for someone else for a long time. I happen to agree with Beth that your H is a very selfish, immature man with only his own welfare at heart. A man that could leave not only his W but his kids for the idiotic reasons that you've stated.......Even if he doesn't have OW, he's a self absorbed oaf and you and your kids deserve better.
