Hey guys, I've been reading for quite a while and have decided to jump in and post my story in hopes of getting some feedback. A little background. My H and I are both 36. 2 kids. DD-8 and DS-5. My guess is that my H has been in MLC around a year and a half or two years. I've had several "bombs" in the last 7 months. Sept. 29, 2006 - OW #1 bomb. She was a brief PA while on a business trip(an employee of his), but H SWORE he was IN LOVE with her. At the time I didn't know about the dangers of EA's, but looking back, I see they had been having one for close to a year. She made him feel incredible, made him feel things he hadn't felt in years, blah blah blah. You guys know it all. Typical stuff. Anyway, he ended it with her and we began working on our marriage.
Things were going well for a month or so. Enter OW#2. Around mid November 2006 I get "bomb" number 2. ILYBNILWY speech. By this time I was pretty well read and well schooled on EA's and figured out pretty quickly what was going on with OW#2. She was also an employee of his and OW#1's best friend. Anyway, I did everything wrong. Begged, pleaded, cried, tried to get him to read about MLC, tried to get him to do relationship exercises, called him at work, etc etc. EA became PA in December 2006. I didn't realize this, but suspected. H is saying he should move out, how he feels like he needs to get away from us, he's severely depressed, staying out later and later for "work", taking more out of town trips, etc.
Bomb #3 came on January 27, 2007. I discovered an e-mail between the 2 of them and it was pretty obvious what was going on. I confronted. He confessed and moved out that day. I'd been reading Marriage Builders during this time so I exposed the affair to everyone including his boss and OW's H(also an employee of my H). He lost his job(was demoted and moved to a different division). He blamed me, but apparently his boss already suspected and was doing some investigating on his own. It actually ended up being a good thing that I exposed when I did as H was scheduled to do interviews that week in which OW #2's H was up for a promotion that he was not going to get. OW#1 was going to get it. Had my H gone through with those interviews he would have been fired immediately and not had the opportunity to be demoted and at least keep some job.
Fast forward to now. He and OW are living together. He and I get along better than we have in years. We are great friends. I too have a nice MLCer just like Cinderellaman (I could be living your life, by the way. The similarities are uncanny!). We still ML on occasion. He comes over for dinner several times a week and takes the kids every other weekend. The kids do not know about OW (we feel they are too young). He still insists that he wants a divorce, but has agreed to wait and see at least 6 months before doing anything.
I realize he has only been out of the house a little over 2 months and that this could take a while. I've been doing some 180's and have been doing really well at GAL and having positive PMA for the most part. I'm having trouble coming up with original things for 180's to do and feel as if I've just gotten into a rut. I know I can't speed it up, it has to run it's course, but when I first started to DB (mid Feb.2007) I was seeing remarkable progress in him as far as coming toward me. I guess maybe this is as close as he comes until he comes back??? We really can't get much closer without him living here.
He's still in deep replay although depression has shown itself heavily. He cried to me one night about a month and a half ago that he had come close to commiting suicide (gun cocked and in his mouth, very scary!). He tells me that he's as down as he's ever been in his life. I tell him that I just want him to be happy, and I truly mean it. Now he wants to buy a new vehicle (the kind he had when he was 16), and he's spending money like it's going out of style. Now OW has had a cancer scare and is going for a biopsy tomorrow. He is going with her. This just keeps getting worse and worse.
I'm glad to be a part of the community. I feel like I know some of you really well already from reading your posts. I guess I just need some feedback on how to act. I try to avoid calling him unless it's about the kids or finances. I'm trying to let him initiate contact with us. We don't have a formal agreement on who gets the kids when - he pretty much sets the schedule around what OW is doing. That makes me mad as I see him putting her before the kids, but I don't say much about it. At least he still does see them frequently. When he has the kids she has to find another place to stay since they don't know about her. I am hoping she'll get tired of this arrangement although H is sometimes reluctant to put her out and will take the kids to his mom's instead (a 2 hour drive from where we live).
OK - I think I've written a small novel. It's just hard to get everything in! I look forward to any feedback or support. Many friends don't understand why I'm doing the things I do and I need the support of people that are going through the same thing!
Thanks!
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
I'm sorry that you find yourself posting on this board, but i know that you will get comfort and support from people who know what you are going through. I too have a nice MLCer and it is sometimes hard to understand the whole process, he also lives with OW now and has told me that he loves her. The best advice i can give is make sure look after yourself by GAL etc because at the moment there is nothing you can do to make your husband move through this any quicker.
You already seem pretty clued up on how to act with your husband, no relationship talks unless initiated by him, GAL for you and make sure you are finacially protected.
Take Care
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
You sound together...but if he is living with the OW, why are you still being physical with him?
It's a personal choice, but with diseases...and how does he feel...does this send a message that you are condoning his behaviour?
How do you handle it psychologically...many LBSs interpret sex as signs of return...it seems you are realistic in that regard NOW...but it's early.
Forget 180s. I don't mena that thye are good or bad...but you are analyzing strategies with those thoughts. You do not need to do constant 180s...isn't that what our MLCers do through cycling?
180s are fine when used sparingly. When used constantly they are unreal, and mere manipulation. Sometimes things just take time..and progress may or may not be visible...and more likely you are defining progress in relationship terms rather than MLC tunnel.
RCR and Cinders - I have been thinking a lot about the ML lately. Funny you should mention that. I will admit I am very weak in that area. He's very handsome and very well, um, good. We were very physical up until the day he moved out at 4 or 5 times a week most weeks easily. At first I was thinking in relationship terms and now I just see that he's cake eating big time. I know it needs to end, but I'm not sure exactly what to say to him when faced with that the next time. Any suggestions? I've already made the mistake of telling him that I have no expectations of him right now and that I know he doesn't want to come back to me. I've told him that I'm not going to be hurt by it, but in the same breath he knows that I don't want a divorce and would like for us to work on us. I've told him that I realize he's not ready for that and I will wait until he is. He has even said that he doesn't want to lead me on by ML with me. He's also said he doesn't want to lead himself on either(???!?!?!) as he still has a lot of strong feelings and emotions for me and it's very hard to erase 15 years. What in the world is that supposed to mean?? I know, it means nothing and is fog talk, but geez. Do they ever make sense?
He's sent me e-mails asking me if I'd do it all again. I responded in a heartbeat and he responded "me too". He comes to my house and pours out his troubles of being depressed etc etc, holds me, lays his head in my lap, kisses me, but he rarely says he loves me (once in the last month). I've done really good at GAL. He says it's hard for him to see me move on and he's afraid that when (his words) he does want to come back that I won't want him. Then two days later he's talking about splitting property up and what's going to happen with the house if I were to remarry and how he's not going to support some scumbag and he expects me to buy him out at that point! It's all so confusing.
Thanks again guys!
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
If you can be his friend during his crisis you are a better person than many, but he is allowing it at the moment.
He could stop one day, through his own confusion, or under OW pressure. As long as you can be his friend he is likely to have less fear of coming home when his crisis ends. "Friend" does not automatically mean eating cake although I have seen many try to keep that bond. You will find an equal number of books telling you "yes" it maintains a bond, and an equal number saying "no" it is not fair to you and may prolong his A. Lucky you, your call.
If you do tell him no more cake eating in the bedroom, consider telling him friends on the couch are still friends.
Don't expect him to say ILY. That would be very rare indeed. Ask yourself how long you can be his friend. If he were to file, are you ready to D as friends? Do you think you can? If so, that is how friendly you should continue to be. Not many can when the MLCer explodes into D and pushes it through. The mix of a hurtful D and all the alien actions from the bomb to the settlement can drive a huge wedge between friends ... a lot of very hurtful memories. Feel blessed you are not yet in such a way, because you are certainly blessed with the right attitude and armed with the right information.
He insists right now that he wants a "friendly" divorce. I'm not sure how realistic that is, but I am trying to remain friendly for our kids sake. I'm not sure how long he will. I do think he gets pressure from OW on certain things although he acts as if she's all wonderful and great with this entire arrangement. I have seen a few cracks here and there that she does pressure about certain things.
He is still having his check direct deposited into our joint checking account. He has gotten his own seperate checking account and I cut him a check each payday for his part. Our state actually has a worksheet available online to figure our child support obligation based upon number of children and income. It seems pretty fair so I went and ran the figures and showed it to him and he agreed to the amount (for now). I'm relatively sure that OW has told him he needs to stop having his check direct deposited into our account as I'm going to stop being so nice about it and stop giving his fair share (I'm not). I've already turned half of our savings over to him as well as half of the income tax refund. He has told me that he is going against what everyone is telling him to do as far as money and is trusting that I won't make him live in a box. I've always controlled the finances and so far he's not tried to take what belongs to me and the kids. I only hope that continues. He doesnt have signature authority on the savings account (even though I always considered it a joint account, I was the one that opened and since he wasn't with me and never went to sign the papers I'm the only one with authority to it.) so I do have a little cushion. Plus, I work full time and make pretty good money.
As far as the ML thing. I've thought a lot about it last night and this morning in the shower. I do think that I need to cut it off. I only hope I can be strong enough to do it when he's sitting in front of me looking all handsome and sexy! LOL! As far as how to approach it. I think I'm going to go with the fact that I feel as if I'm being hypocritical. I'm going to tell him that I've not been hurt by what we've been doing up to this point (that's true) and that I did not have any expectations of him when I did it (also true), but I feel as if I'm being hypocritical and somehow showing approval for him living with OW when I don't approve at all and that I feel like I can't continue to do that when what I really want is for him to act like a husband and to treat me as a husband would treat a wife and that until he is ready to do that that I can't continue on. I will emphasize that I will still continue to be his good friend and that if he wants to talk, wants a shoulder to cry on, wants to vent, or needs anything at all that I will always be there for him in that capacity. I just can't continue to sleep with him and act as if I'm OK with him living with someone else. I'm not being true to myself.
Does that sound like a good angle to take? Any suggestions on wording so that I don't sound confrontational. I don't want to make him feel that I lied to him when I was ML with him before about no expectations because I wasn't. I want to be clear that things have changed for me and that's why I can't continue. Thanks guys!
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
H called a little while ago. He's with OW today while she gets a biopsy. I asked him how things were going he said "OK", but sounded down. He always sounds down these days so I'm not sure how to take that anymore.
He's coming over for dinner tomorrow. He was in a mood yesterday because he said he was going to pick up his new vehicle next Saturday (it's in another state) and I reminded him that DD-8 had a soccer game that day. I didn't know if he remembered and might want to go since he's already missed 2 of them. He got mad and told me he had to go. E-mailed me later to say "If you think I'm being a crappy dad just let me know".
Is this guilt on his part? He had DS-5 yesterday and when I picked him up H went off saying that he had to get the vehicle or he was going to go broke paying for gas (never mind that the money he saves in gas will go directly into a car payment and insurance payments). Getting the vehicle is actually going to cost him more in the long run, but I merely looked at him and said "OK, I'll talk to you later. I need to get the kids some dinner before soccer practice." and got in my car and left. The vehicle he is getting is the same one he drove as a teen when he was out picking up on all the girls. Can you say replay??
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
