Starting this post, since I can't keep hijacking everyone else's. Okay, per my usual summary, H was in some sort of MLC and after getting his 567th credential at Stanford, against my wishes and without my prior consent, he moved up to Alaska for his dream job. He chose a job over me and our d's, (s20 in college). BUT he does not believe he did this. As you know if you 've kept up, H took and passed his boards in September and since that very day. he has said he misses me/us wants us to join him, etc. He is very lonely. I went up to surprise him for his 50th b-day and he was really moved, happy I did that, which was fine with me in part since I wasn't being manipulated iinto going there, but did it on my own, etc.
There's more to this story. I did not want to live in Alaska again, I already was there for 3 years and H went "native" on me. Then H did stuff behind my back, and THE DECEIT was the single biggest reason i felt I could not join him there. For one thing, the kids knew H lied to me, he said he was working on taxes but actually was in Alaska, etc. this happened at least three times... So I couldn't trust that "we" would leave Alaska if we both didn't like it, b/c obviously if H was willing to live there alone, or lie to get there, he'd never leave just b/c I didn't like it....if H had offered to leave with us after attempting it, we could have "tried" it out, but he was too afraid the answer would be "no", so he went about getting what he wanted, by lying and just deciding everything by himself, in secret, etc. I guess you got my point...the Process of deciding is more important to me than the actual decision made....
NOW H does say nice, hopeful things about US. Says he has "a lot of crow to eat and wants the chance to eat it...." His words. Says he wants to be a "better Husband" and thinks he "can be if given a chance" (25 year M, btw). BUT ever since the heroes he worships up there offered me a job there, (they offered me a crazy good job when I visited for H's b-day, and I ask you, What are the Odds???)
But NOW H seems fanatically obsessed with whether I'm going up there to join him and H has lost all mention of moving back here to join the family here, where we are happy. (Yes, H had a good job here, and I love it here, and have opportunities here I'd have nowhere else). Also, fwiw, the job I was offered there, would be great in terms of my resume. But It is not something I would have pursued, it's not my dream job. But it IS something I'd never get elsewhere....I think.
So, H now says he is "very lonely ALL the time"... Seems to blaming me...I'm not kidding. Also, he says he is tired of having to "pretend that his wife is supportive..." wth??? It is as if he has revised the entire sequence of events and wants to hear NOTHING of any lies, deceit of his, etc. Wants to talk about our future and seems to be implying that if I don't join him, then I am ending the M, and Not him for leaving. When I mention the choice he made about a job there, over us, H denies this vehemently.....??? wth???? I cannot tell if H is insane and simply has no one up there to give him reality therapy, or if he is just being a jerk who has to justify his reality so much that he now actually believes his own stories... this is NOT good news. It does not bode well if H can't grasp this. I guess I need to know what to do or say. I do feel bad that H is so lonely, but Christ, it is self inflicted loneliness....am I crazy? THIS is when I feel as if I'm in Gaslight--(BND I used that exact movie title with our mc over a year ago when the insanity began...) where the H tries to make the W think she is crazy by denying what he does/says like it never happened...
I need H to reassure me in a way he probably cannot. It's as if he cannot believe his own behavior and sure doesn't want to be reminded of it. Really makes him mad, in fact. I know he is lonely (does that mean it's only a matter of time before he cheats and justifies it??...) and now, he is also angry.
I don't think I have much patience for that b/c seems to me H was walking on thin ice as it was. He left me and d's 18 months ago, with no end in sight. H is pretending, and I guess i am enabling him to, that when D17 finishes HS in June, then d9 and I will go up there. It is very annoying for me to have to go along with this when the heroes are around, but I said nothing to contradict it. When alone, one wife said something about praying for me in my decision, blah blah blah and I told her, "this was not what I wanted and our d's are Not okay with it...but H is the love of my life and I don't want to throw in the towel, etc." wth has he been saying??? Ironically, the heroes are PRO-M and pro-family...if they only knew....Nope, I'm not telling. If H wants out, fine. IF H wants in, I'm not going to make it any harder.
Other things H said, that are GOOD: H wants his R with d17 to improve and asked how to do that...UNprecedented. H also sent 2 dozen roses to me for my birthday, along with presents, and that took some prior planning. Nope, he wasn't here. But he left a msg saying this would be the last birthday I'd spend alone, and that life is going to "be so much better...." I guess he means when I get up there. But why would I join him there, if he cannot be good to me now? So far, seems that H expected me to join him, kicking and screaming, no matter how or what he did....he said it once in mc, said he hoped I'd "give in" b/c his mother had, and in the past, so had I, on other things... like putting up with the prior lies and not filing for a D, or whatever. I tried to get thru to him about what a "dealbreaker" it is to be lied to....he kept it up until the time he left for the "last frontier...."
So, now what? I love him, and I agree that love is a choice. But H is not the man I thought he was, or he has changed. And I feel right now, that his present inability to be honest, or remorseful or reassuring to me about an honest future...that he is not a desirable partner.....he forced me to get a life of my own the last year and a half, and I have. I would rather be here, without H, than to join him up there and be mistreated. BUT then what if I did join him and things were to go well??? And what makes me think that is possible????
THINGS H said that are NOT GOOD:: "he is sacrificing the Most b/c he is lonely all the time" and is "doing this to CREATE a future for family". He did "NOT hurt anyone" when he lied/moved away....wth??? I am the unreasonable one since I won't even give it a chance up there....but no longer promises to return here if WE BOTH don't like it, after a few years. He once offered.( No repeating of that, I notice.)
negative? I need input and insight. BND is taking her H back, at least for now, but her H is saying things he Needs to say and he IS returning.....and yet, even she has the fears I have. What if they flip out again?
What if I go up there? That means uprooting my d9, AWAY from d17 - this is something H has NO clue about, since d17 leaves for college (although she is staying nearby) anyhow---as he cannot grasp that having a child move away for college could be hard on a little sister, a little girl who had a family of 5, when her big bro went off to college, her dad went off to Alaska, and now her big sis goes to college all in 18 months!!! So next summer I AM supposed to yank her 3000 miles away???? Does not sound appealing. WHAT DO I WISH?? What is my goal/Dream??? H "awakens" and makes us his prirorty!! OMG!! Then he either returns home, or offers to. IF he meant it, I'd likely join him up there since I'd feel he made a big gesture. But he won't. He is too afraid of losing the world's greatest job...something that as a woman, I'll never understand...so he'd rather Not ask me, b/c I might say "no" and then what? Instead, he will stay up there, alone, and blame me "for refusing to be suppportive" and eventually he'll have an A, if he hasn't already.
Help??? Sorry to be so negative....then again, what better place to be MY DREAM: H "gets it" and says whatever he can and means it, about changing his priorities in life, finally putting his family first, over his career... and I give it a try up there, with d9's input....and either we're either happy up there, or we aren't and we go where we are happy...together...somewhere... Am I crazy? Is H? Is this hopeless?? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
J Sweetie, You have a thread in MLC too. I am jumping all over the board to keep up with you!! You can call me whenever you want, just remember the time difference
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
BND, I have no idea what the heck I'm doing with these flippin' "threads" etc. Didn't know I was posting in a place other than MLC, so, go figure....anyhow, more later and thanks for trying to keep up. How are you?
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My response a few yrs ago to you would be along the lines of, " What is he freakin' nuts? He wants to you move to Alaska and uproot the family, all to play out some he-man fantasy?" My mind would then jump to Monty Python's Lumberjack song ( a skit where these brawny lumberjacks end up singing about the joys of wearing women's panties, lol). And Alaska, well it's so darn cold, and it's isolated, and it's this n that, etc.etc.etc.
However, hanging out on the SSM board has given me a different perspective. There is ongoing discussion on what it takes to be a desirable man...in many situations the men have been supplicating to their wives' wishes, and are dismayed by the lack of vitality in their marriages, despite doing all the "right" things. There's stagnation and too much fear to stir things up.
Now your H has gone overboard in the other direction... he's pursuing his life's work, his passion,which can be seen as an attractive thing, yet it's marred by the lies and deceit you have mentioned. It's like Goldilocks...no one is finding the optimal amount of balance and movement; there's too little or too much going on here on the board! You are certainly justified in your fears and insecurities...but will you be missing an opportunity for growth in the marriage? Is there enough safety to take that chance? Is your H is in reality enough to understand some of your needs and those of your children?
One thing I would say at this point: do not consider going if you cannot tap into any excitement over the whole thing. It will be a failure. Your outlook is key.
You might want to post this thread on SSM; the guys there may have a better handle on what your H is going through and what it means for your marriage. I've just about had it trying to figure out men.
What do I want? A happy M and happy children who know they are loved and that family stability is THE main thing to take care of First, in life.....
I want to be in a sunny area, I want to be around creative people who "get" me and aren't hesitant to laugh. I want to be in a M wherein I KNOW that our R comes first and that H values my happiness as much as he values his own.
I want to be alright living alone without a man, IF that is what happens. I want to live a life without fearing that H will flip and leave. But I also want to be in a M ONLY b/c I want to be and NOT b/c I am too afraid to be alone, or too afraid to lose financial security. IF I stay M for financial reasons, I think it's the same as being a prostitute.
I want to feel respected by H, and my children, and I want my boundaries to be respected. That's what I want. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
not exactly. But I believe he'd say he wants the same thing; but UP there.....which means the same thing, minus the sunny part and whatever I want that conflicts with H. OR he'll say we can have "it all" which means I "commute" to sunny LA whenever the darkness gets to me too much. That doesn't appeal to me much at all, and btw, gives H everything he has insisted on getting, and forces ALL the changes and concessions onto me and d's....
My mc reminded me of this, and asked me about when H blurted out, in a mc session,that he thought I'd "cave in" eventually.... Those were H's words. I think he didn't believe I'd keep the boundary up, and I guess that means he'd get away with the lying...In other words, if he gets his way, it's ALL worth it.
So, mc said, "J, if you go up there AS IT IS NOW, I fear you'll be miserable and resentful, and then the M WILL end for certain.." Then mc basically says to hold my ground, and IF H can show some change, then I could maybe give it a try. H told mc he wants to improve and be "a better H" (told me as well), but whenever I am with H, it doesn't take long for him to revert to critical or selfish ways....as if he has NOT had an awakening, like I've assumed. H told me the other day that he is "lonely ALL the time", which both saddens and worries me.
Also seems to believe his own revisions of how he got up there without us...THAT freaks me out. NEVER once brings up the lying or secret trips, not once. If the truth is too much for H, how in the world can we ever get past this? I am not talking about dragging out all the history with a negative microscope to assign blame, but sometimes it does seem as if H has amnesia (maybe too much anesthesia??). God, can he just promise not to do it again? Is that TOO much for me to ask?????
Thoughts? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
J there are no guarantees. History has been rewritten and you can either create a new History together or not. I don't have any answers today, I am in my own world as you know and am seething about my MIL. The best part is that the woman goes to Mass every day. Does her Rosary a couple of times a day...BUT can not see anything wrong with being a manipulating meddlesome liar. I am going to stuff my face with a meatball sub, extra sauce, extra cheese and finish my knitting. That should make me feel better.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Have you two ever had a conversation about what each of you should expect to happen or what things would be like if you went to Alaska? And about his "amnesia", my H still does not believe he has done anything wrong, either. Why does it not appeal to you to be able to go back to LA when the lack of sunshine gets to you? It is a concession on his part, somewhat to tell you that it is an option, isn't it? That he knows it may bother you and you will have to have an escape occasionally. I'm not saying you have to go live up there, but if he won't go where you are and you won't go where he is, then what happens? L
