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Hello LE,

Thanks for considering my story "insperational." I am very humbled and flattered. I was dbing after divorce before this fourm was created. Most of my story is found in "hopefulness" with the word "groundhog" in the title.

The first thing I learned about DB'ing was DB'ing was about winning me back. After that, everything else was good. I worked on finding me, defining me, and learning who I was. What I found out was I was a pretty good guy.

I DB'd for almost a year when I decided to call it quits. Most of that time was post divorce. I one day realized that who she was, and who I was were 2 different people. Basiclly, I changed (for the better acording to her words) and she didnt. Here is a link for me commint out of the dark, and to our first time being together after our divorce The GroundHog thinks he sees a faint shadow... ,The $150.00 Question. Does she or Doesnt she? and what happened at the meeting... Groundhog see's spring comming. Still Hibernates

This lasted for about 6 months with some positives, and a couple of failures....

Somewhere along the line, I realized that I was a good dude. I was attrative, and I could walk away at any moment. I chose not to for a few months. I did not feel a release from God to move one.

Then one day in June, I realized the woman that I once loved was the woman I wanted for life.

I took what I learned in DB'ing, applied it to my life, and hit the jackpot with my new wife.

I have no regrets, I was blessed with a friendship with my wife post divorce... And learned so much about me, and what I wanted in life.

DB'ing can be done after a divorce and one can be successful. Its a choice you make. Then biggest piece of advice I can say is be true to yourself, and only change if it is something you want to do.

Good luck

Lord Bless.


WW "I no longer WILL WIN since I HAVE WON!!"
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Thanks for posting here, WillWin. I read thru your posts, and saw that your DBing seemed to be working, with your XW showing care/feelings up until you pulled the plug: Groundhog Roadkill Burgers. I truly respect your DBing, as well as your decision to pursue another R.

Yet, I must say that your sitch displayed for me four things:

1) Your take on DBing - to focus internally - on improving one's self, was key, a masterful realization that less that a third seem to get and even fewer seem to stick to in a disciplined fashion.

2) DBing works. Especially in sitches involving kids. She was turned back to you. And watching your behavior. Her invites to dinner, acceptance of intimate gestures like flowers, her efforts to send you work, and her trust in you with her son were evidence of this.

3) Even in this PC/husbands and wives should be identical world, there are biological (evolutionary?) differences that drive attraction/interest in men vs. women, and a woman wants to see goal-directedness and success in her man (read Deida, fellas). WillWin, your XW seemed to get shaken by your job loss and insurance coverage loss at the time of a nephew's surgery. To me, it seemed that she was communicating about fears related to that and a potential future together.

4) The Sitch turns over time, with role reveral possible. I forget who (Ellie?) who posted regarding the phases of change regarding the WAS and the LBS, with the LBS potentially becoming WAS-like over time, even making unfair A$$umptions similar to the ones made against us early in sitch, such as "You'll never change." This was partly your rational for ending DBing, as you saw XW as never changing in terms of her ability to forgive you for past failures. This may occur even with the WAS returning and showing interest in trying again, with the LBS saying 'no' if they believe no sizable chances for success exist.

It is so easy to lose one's grasp of the recipe for successful DBing, especially after several months or a few years. The idea that "Anything is possible" becomes fainter as time marches on, yet I believe that it is still there. I don't fault you one bit for deciding you had had enough. Life is short.

I learned a lot from your posts, and would like to thank you for all of that past work, WillWin, as well as wish you the best in your new R.

Take care,

Gabriel


God heals the broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3)

Me: 44
W: 40
Separated 8/2011

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Hello Gabriel,

You made some interesting observations...

I never thought my DB'ing was diciplined. I always thought it was a struggle to do the "not to do's" and stay on track. Fourtuantly, at the time I was on here often, I made some good friends that helped keep me focused. As well on the outside of the bb. There were many times Floyd, JW, and myself were playing chess online all hours of the day and night. It helps when you have activites to pass the time.

I do agree that DB'ing works. Although the ultimate goal is to get back w/ your spouse, if you apply what you learn towards your innerself, you can make it through. I can say I gave it a good go. I look back at my stich often as milestones in my life. It is a good road map for where I am headed.

I must say though, the changes must be true, and for you. If not, then it is being done for the wrong reasons, and they will not stick. My xw told me many times how proud of me she was, and that she could not believe what I was doing. As well, the power of prayer does work. She once told me before the divorce it did not matter how much I prayed, she would NEVER talk to me again...

As for the job loss, it was a career change. Something that I did plan for, and she knew what I was doing. Something happened the night that all went down. My eyes were opened to a much larger world because of a friends own situation. That night, a good friend very close to me had his wife walk out. This good friend counseled me through my whole stich. Because of my new career, I was able to minister to him in ways I could not have. I truly believe God gave me a release that night for my decision. (By the way, I have typo's and fat fingers).

As for me becoming the WAS, I possibly did. My intent was to do take the final step and do the LRT and live life and allow her to live hers. Like DR states, there is a possiblity that this will not give you the desired results. She had as many oppertunites to call and/or reach out to me as I did her. She did not, nor did I. I truly believe that she did not want to go the route that I took. I moved back to my hometown (30 mins away) where I found a content lifestlye for me. She hated where I grew up, and everything about it. I did not want to leave my hometown again. My family, friends, church, and the woman that became my wife was here. We had two different circles that would not have congeled. I would have had to give everything that I beleived in, built, and strengthend up to be with her again. I do believe if I went back to her, I would have went back to my old self.

It could have possibly worked out, who knows. I do know I am very happy with my life, wife, and way of living. Some of Gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

Remember though, I can say this by looking back in time. I gave it all that I had, and I still came out on top even though the desired outcome did not come to bear fruit.


Love truely is a choice. And I will never fault anyone for going the extra mile, or giving up. We all have our limits. With each stich being different, and we are the ones who know our spouses or xspouses the best, we also know when time is at end.

If it wasnt for God, family, friends, and my fellow DB'ers, I would have gone nuts!!!

Thanks for reading Gabriel, once again I am flattered that you read as much of my post as you did. That had to be a looooong read. I am also glad that you could glean something from my story.

Good luck with your stich, I pray it turns out the way you want.

Lord Bless
WW


WW "I no longer WILL WIN since I HAVE WON!!"
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Wesley?

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Quote:

Wesley?




How did you know my given name is Wesley?

I'll give updates on my thread. My inspiration story for this thread is my own. I'm back and I'm happy! Happiness comes in unexpected places.

I went to Rapid City this weekend to meet my little sister and pick up my nephew to stay with us for a bit. They were at a religious concert in the park. We stayed for the weekend to listen and I'm glad I did. I've never been very religious and would never imagine I would enjoy the concert. The last two acts...Jeremy Camp and MercyMe were excellent. Absolutely excellent. I was touched more deeply than I would have thought possible. Surrounded by 15,000 people getting into the music really helped. Things are different. I'm thankful for what I have and am thankful for the strength God has given me. I don't know what it is...I just am going to ride this high as long as it will last. Here's my song of the day....one by MercyMe that was moving...better with the actual music...if you haven't heard it then go to yahoo video player and watch the video.

Thank you everyone that has posted their stories on this thread or shared inspiration. Thanks WillWin for coming by. We all need to see that things will turn out...even if not in the way we currently visualize. I agree with you and Garth Brooks....sometimes we do need to thank God for the unanswered prayers.

I don't remember which movie but there is an applicable quote:

"Is it true that God answers all prayers?"
"Yes, but sometimes the answer is NO"


In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
Abraham Lincoln

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.
Theodore Roosevelt

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I accidentally posted this on Wes' personal thread as well (sorry, Wes!). Didn't notice until now.

I don't think I ever reported this, but the couple W and I bought our house from were divorcing when they sold it to us. According to my next-door-neighbor, they reunited ~ 1 yr later and moved to Tennessee together. Both were in their early 50s, so had to have been married almost years. She seemed to be going thru some sort of life change (menopause or MLC?), and he seemed sheepish/guilty (affair?, I recall that he had lost a job, found another, so maybe financial probs, too). She was very angry at him at the time - spittin' mad. Reminds me of W on many recent occassions (ouch!). I recall her exercising a lot, tanning a lot, and acting indifferent to him. Being the clueless me, I never put 2 and 2 together. [I also recall with curiosity how W delegated all house-purchase negotiations to me, giving me free reign on the price and dealings. And this was with me telling her I wanted her to be a part of it.]

No more info on this despite talking to two neighbors. Just that while they were going thru the breakup, she definitely had the MLC stuff going, while he had to learn to be much nicer (I recall him making snide comments about her, even in her presence, calling her "loopy" to me at one point. At least I haven't made that mistake yet!

Gabriel


God heals the broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3)

Me: 44
W: 40
Separated 8/2011

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Here's my song of the day. It's by MercyMe (again). Not meant to be about divorce, but in some ways it applies. If home is where my heart is then I am out of place....here it is.

Quote:

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now






In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
Abraham Lincoln

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.
Theodore Roosevelt

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I have a short inspirational story.

My friend Martha and her H got divorced. He left her, she was devastated. They had a DD.

A while later, after the big D, they got back together and they even had another DD.

It's now been 3 or 4 years since they reunited and they're still going strong!

The funny thing is, her H wants to get re-married to her, has proposed and given her a diamond ring because he says M is the ultimate commitment, yet she, as the former LBS, says he already divorced her once and she doesn't want another D, so she is happy to co-habit.

It's funny how her WAH has ended up wanting M more than her

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Thanks for the story Jo,

I can see how she would be hesitant to remarry a man that already proved to be a walk away. I might feel the same. Here's the daily OM...

Quote:

July 18, 2005
Putting Yourself First
Meeting Your Own Needs
In life, we are encouraged to think of others first. It is seen as a virtue to selflessly address the needs of parents, children, friends, and loved ones, before or sometimes at the cost of our own needs. But this virtue, like any, is best and most meaningful in moderation. Overly caring for others can easily be an unconscious cry for love or a crutch. Devoting all of your time to others can stand in the way of you caring for yourself. Taking care of yourself can feel selfish while taking care of others can seem easier than dealing with your own issues. But addressing your own needs first in some cases is beneficial and vital not only to your own health and well-being, but to your ability to care for others when needed.

We often find ourselves faced with too many responsibilities and those most readily given up are often those most important to us. Ask yourself why. Do you feel the need to prove yourself by being selfless or hope your sacrifice will be acknowledged? Do you feel selfish for wanting things for yourself? Or is it simply more stressful to contemplate your own needs, because they are the ones requiring the most personal effort on your part? Selfless dedication can be frustrating when we don't find the appreciation or love we desire, which ironically leads to putting more effort into others. But when you care for yourself, you affirm your own worth and boundaries. Don't be afraid to put yourself first now and then. Listen to your inner voice and be fair to yourself as well as to others. Have the courage to face your needs and issues head on without putting them off by helping someone else with theirs.

Avoiding caring for oneself is often indicative of great internal struggle. It can be helpful to recognize that you are as deserving of care as any other human and that you, too, function best when your needs are met. Try, when possible, to do something special, take a break, ask for help, and to give your own needs the attention they deserve.





In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
Abraham Lincoln

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.
Theodore Roosevelt

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I would like to reply to the idea that you should put yourself and your needs first.

No major religion throughout human history has advocated this "me first" idea. However, it is advocated by the popular culture of the United States in the year 2005, and has been for perhaps a couple of decades. I think there is a reason that throughout human history, across most cultures, this philosphy has been rejected.

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