Walked out after 9 years

[AliSuddenly]

Hi everyone, can anyone help, I'm so lost and confused. My partner of 9 years has just walked out of my life suddenly. I am 37 nearly and my partner is 34. His dad died 2 1/2 years ago.

We lived together for 8 years and known each other 12. It was love at first sight for him and he was always devoted to me. He lacked confidence though and would say stuff like I was a "fantastic catch" and was always willing to go along with what I wanted alot of the time. I tried to get him to be more confident and assertive as I didnt like him lacking confidence. Looking back though, I always felt 100% secure with him and and was very confident in myself. I loved and supported him alot though, through a Masters, through his Dads illness and then death, helped him to move away, which we did over a year ago.

Last June he suddenly became withdrawn. He said things like "I've been unhappy since I was a kid, I've always been a people pleaser and have never been good at sticking up for myself..I have been thinking about me for the first time in my life and what I want". He didnt say anything about me and him, only that he was "tired". In September he admitted he wasnt sure we had a future together and wanted to go away to think about it, without interference as he felt it was his decision to make by himself. When I have since asked him why he was never honest about being unhappy since June he said he didnt say anything because hes "weak" and I'd have been able to persuade him to try again, but whats the point? It'd only have been false hope.

He then broke his wrist a week later and he came home and I cared for him for 5 weeks, but he didnt want to talk about anything. We got on fine, we havent had a single argument and have always been best friends. He was still withdrawn though and unaffectionate. Our sex life improved since the summer, by being more frequent and passionate. He went back to work and after 3 weeks came home and announced "I dont love you anymore, my feelings have changed for good and I'm leaving you". I was so terribly shocked and heartbroken. He said that he wanted to be on his own, he couldnt explain or give me reasons, other than this was the right thing for him. He said I know its selfish and its the opposite of what you want, but I'm 100% sure this is right for me. I'm absolutely certain. He said he had more confidence now where he didnt have any before. He said that he just wants to "draw a line under it and move on, put the past behind me". When I asked if bereavement had clouded his mind, he said no, quite the opposite, it had given him clarity as "my Dad was unhappy all his life" and that yes, he's aware he is halfway through his life, but he'd not been thinking of that. He also said he wasnt depressed and isnt going to just snap out of it.

I'm posting becuase its been 2 months more now and I'm not ok. It was such a shock, everyone who knew us has said we had a
"lovely" relationship and that its clear we adored one another. We never argued. I had an affair 4 years ago, not consumated, but I had confessed and he moved out for 5 months and we talked and worked through it and he forgave me. He had a one night stand after that and I forgave him. We hadnt mentioned these issues again and he says now that they're not why hes left, he had forgiven me and thats all in the past. He said its just that his feelings have changed. He says things like, "these things happen, not all love lasts forever" and that hes grown up and changed. When I ask him how, he says his feelings have changed.

He cannot identify anything I've done to cause this, in fact he repeatedly says "this is all my doing, I really dont think it has anything to do with you, how you behaved or the way you are, please dont blame yourself or beat yourself up". When I tried to talk through issues he would get frustrated and say he cant bear to hear me say things to blame myself or to hear me say sorry.

After 2 weeks of this, with occasional great sex, he then moved out, which was 7 weeks ago. He continued to take my calls and texts up until Christmas. He would cry if I cried and say how terrible and bad and sad and guilty he felt. He said he couldnt bear to hear me so upset and hated himself and thinks that he is a "sh*t" for hurting me, but says that he has made his decision. The last time he met me he said he felt so awkward and guilty he couldnt handle speaking to me, selfish as that was. He couldnt look at me and left in under an hour saying he would call me sometime. That was 2 weeks ago and we havent spoken since. Over the past 2 months he looked awful, tired, stressed out and he seemed unhappy. He turned down invitations over the holidays and wanted to be alone. Hes been working hard, doing long hours.

I dont understand how someone can go from being your best friend and life partner to this. It feels so cruel. I guess there were issues, but he has repressed them to the point that, as he said, its like he "woke up", that he "snapped", but he says he cant explain why and hes sorry that he doesnt have any answers.

The only thing he did come up with was that our relationship wasnt balanced for the first 6 years...like he was always chasing me, and he says its like "hes lost sight of what it was he was chasing." I can see that I was strong and confident, and I guess I didnt really listen to him effectively..which meant that I had more control for the first 5/6 years. This switched around when he had the one night stand and was then bereaved not long after. Since then I guess its been me making all the effort.

I dont know what divorce busting is, but everyone told me to stop contacting him, so I havent since 1st January. Anyone out there..any ideas? What can I do? Is this it, over for good?

THank you so much, I have been feeling very desperate.

[One Day]

Hey Ali,

So sorry that you find yourself here. Sounds like you have been having a tough time.

First off, buy a copy of DR. Read it and then read again. Post often- you will get great advice from people who are expert and successful DBers.

You're doing the right thing by not trying to initiate contact now- he has asked for space and as hard as that is, you need to give it to him. And when you do speak, no crying, pleading, pressure, or initiating relationship discussions.

It's hard, but you will get through this. Oh, and make sure you visit the success stories- they are a great source of hope.

[AliSuddenly]

Gosh thankyou for replying...yes he told his best mate that he wants space and to give me space..as he doesnt think its right to contact me as he only upsets me when he does. Its killing me to not contact him. Its so wierd as we got on so well, I thought this was it for us. He even told me a year ago, "I've got no intentions of ever leaving you, you're the love of my life." He doesnt remember saying that of course. :-(

Does it really work though? It feels so alien to not contact him, its like I dont care. Some of his stuff is still here, so he will be contacting me soon to collect it, I'm sure...and what on earth do I say when he does??? I feel that I need to be prepared, or steel myself to not mess up when he does call. And then I think, thats crazy, thats playing games, hes already left, why not just be myself and tell him I miss him !?

He was working with a new girl in June on a big new project, and again in October before he left me. I know he called her outside of work once or twice... I have asked him about her several times, but he said hes not interested in her and its not about anyone else...but it does seem suspicious. Plus he is soooo guilty and resolute, it would point to someone else involved??

Does giving someone space really work then, or not always I guess. I've had some tough times in my life and been heartbroken twice before when I was younger, but nothing as awful as this.

[AliSuddenly]

..should add, his Mum and best friend also asked and he maintains he hasnt met anyone. Hes stayed away for 2 months too, so if he had, he hasnt been meeting up with anyone from where we moved to, and as he looked so awful, unkept and miserable I really dont think he is seeing anyone. Plus, he did show me an email from her before we broke up, and it was purely work based and formal (to show me that there was nothing going on).

[Virtually_Handsome]

When he comes for his stuff try to look like you are fine. Don't talk about your relationship at all.

Yes, it works. It doesn't always work. It works better than crying, begging and pleading.

It isn't really important if there is another person involved, unless that is a deal breaker for you. It really doesn't change what you do, if it isn't a deal breaker.

You might look at the top thread in the Midlife Crisis forum. Look at the links in the first post. MLC is a possibility, perhaps even a probability. If you think it is MLC, you might want to post on that board. It might take a bit to get going, but you will get incredible support!

[One Day]

Hey Ali,

DBing definitely does work- there are lots of success stories on the site- in newcomers, and in MLC aswell. And I personally have been having some success with moving away from/not contacting my H, but it has taken time.

My advice on what to say when he contacts you to collect his things would be to be as friendly as you can. Don't get upset, cry, ask him questions about the potential OW. No ILYs. Don't tell him you miss him. From what he has said, you getting upset has made him wary of making contact. So instead, be fun and happy- and make the interaction as positive as you can. Reconciliation starts with being friends, so work towards that to begin with.

At this point, it sounds like you don't know for sure whether there is an OW involved. The main thing to remember there is that you can't change your H's behaviour- only your own. So concentrate on making yourself strong, and doing things to make you happy.

Definitely read DR- Michele puts things in a much better way than I do! But don't lose hope while you're waiting for your copy- in many success stories, positive steps start with giving the spouse what they asked for- space and time, and from detaching and making yourself happy.

This is hard, but you sound like a strong and centered person. You will get through this.

OD

[AliSuddenly]

Thank you so much, I will definetly buy the book then... I feel that it will be a couple of weeks yet before he gets in touch.

It wouldnt be a deal breaker, no. I had a commitment crisis at the 5 year mark and was "in love" with a guy from work for a year! I even asked my H to move out, and he forgave me. So I would so the same, espec if this has all been a MLC from the death of his dad at 68. I will post there then, thankyou. The problem I have is, I'm 37 nearly and we have early menopause in my family (my Nan was 39!). He told his Mum in February that we were thinking of having a family in a year or two. He met that girl in June...so I wonder if he fancied her at least? I really dont think anything happened. She is mid twenties!!! :-(