are you going out of your way to show your almost WAS's the love you feel? I recently read something by Ed Wheat and it was 9 words that I found so profound. They are "One heart burning with love sets another on fire". My goal since feb when my H dropped his bomb and more recently when he decided to give us another chance has been to show him the love that I used to withhold from him. Oh how I wasted so many years. He is responding to it too. Go out of your way to be the spouse you wish you would have been! Lisa
Hello tielbeagle! Interesting post because I have also noticed a big change in how I have been responding to my MLC H since the "spiel". There is a thotful, caring, respectful attitude from me now that I am ashamed to admit wasn't very apparant for several months. Learning how to pick my battles carefully has been a big one too. My H is still living with me but 2 months ago he was seriously considering leaving. He quoted the familiar MLC lines to me and I was shocked. It was a wake up call for me. Lately we seem to be communicating much better. He has not told me anything different is relation to his uncertainty with his committment to our relationship and marriage. And I am not asking anymore. He is being more open about how getting older is feeling for him. I still really struggle with not hearing about a committment from him tho. He will not go for joint counselling. He says he really hasn't thot about it lately. That bothers me too. All I can do is live in the present for now. That is tough to do but it is getting easier. Take care and I wish all the best for you and your H.
Lisa, Just wanted to thank you for stopping by my thread, and that I did read your previous thread about the bomb dropping. Gives me some hope. What about the line, you give one heart, you get back two? Anyway, difficult to balance the "no pursuit"/"show them love" tightrope walk.
H is very distraught now. It's probably better we're apart during this time. When he had decided to go to therapy, I was very hopeful, but I don't know if it's too helpful to him.
As for you, Keep doing what works! Thanks again Sarah
Lisa, Thanks for your encouragement once again. I am flirting a bit more. He sure doesn't trust it though. You have to make it sincere, from the heart, not the formula to make it matter. I love the word profound, so when you say something is profound it strikes a cord with me; "One heart burning with love sets another on fire" I will sleep on it. How to live it tomorrow. I hung out a little at the house tonight and joked a touch with H, although he asked me how I felt about x-ow staying over last night because she needed a place to crash. I said "I don't care" and went to check on my laundry. She doesn't want him, she's just messin' with him. Thanks for designing the road I must follow. I need to practice my driving. I can now handle the venting, but what about the ridiculous questions? Thanks Sarah
Sarah, just try to remember the way you were when you and H first met and fell in love. I decided I needed to become the 22 year old girl again that my H fell in love with. Men marry hoping their wives never change. I know what you mean about the ridiculous questions, etc., you can go along just fine for awhile and then it seems we just backslide and it all gets to us. We're human for crying out loud. My H is pretty good about dealing with my backslides. They are fewer and fewer. I'm trying to let the small stuff go, most of it is small stuff anyway. Flirting is good, laughing together too, make some new positive memories. Date again. Hold hands. Best of luck to you and your H. Lisa
Thank you Lisa for responding to my post. I also just read your old post (again, again). It's so interesting to note the similarities of situations where the H's left who were "madly in love" with their W's, but we "pushed them away". They would buy us gifts, maybe not the ones we wanted, they would call, maybe not at the right time, they would take the kids somewhere, but give us time to be alone. They "felt" they gave, they did give, but we wanted an apple when they gave us a bushel of oranges. When they leave, shock, devastation, ANGER, jealousy, and then the old "just see if you can find someone better than me". Unfortunately, I think what love is about is perceptions; if we offer a smile to something they are doing, or any positive response, they feel better, they in turn do more for us. And yes, it's not always what we want, but don't we really want someone to "care" for us. They can do it their way. And yes, previously I thought we had NO problems, accepted the fact that I would be in this rather boring M forever, not trying to make it any better or different, trying to make H happy, doing my own things. So I know I really blew by in the M, not going in the least bit out of my way to show him, tell him that I loved him. And we can't turn back time, can we? But still my question remains, how to "not pursue" and "go out of my way to show him love". Aren't those diametrically opposed? Or maybe you don't believe in the "no pursuit" theory. Thanks Sarah
Quote: Unfortunately, I think what love is about is perceptions; if we offer a smile to something they are doing, or any positive response, they feel better, they in turn do more for us. And yes, it's not always what we want, but don't we really want someone to "care" for us.
sarah, I think you've answered your own question....simply smile, say thank you and show appreciation for any of the little things he may still be doing...even if only to say thanks for watching the kids. that's not persuit it's kindness!! LL
Quote: But still my question remains, how to "not pursue" and "go out of my way to show him love".
This is just my opinion and it has taken me six months to figure it out but I think the idea of "detaching lovingly" means to treat them as you would a friend. Give them their independence and you in turn develop yours. Put aside the anger, shock, devastation, and jealousy(not an easy task I know),complete acceptence, unconditional love, I think this is what they are looking for. Once they feel independent of us then perhaps they can come back. Treat them as you would a friend, no 20 questions, no guilt trips, no pressure etc. Looks great on paper, but very hard to put into action.
Taking it day by day, Tina
M 14 years, tog 20. 3 kids D-13, S-11, S-9. Bomb dropped June 1/02, sep Aug 11, living with OW since Oct/02.
Sarah, the way I didn't pursue was I didn't follow him around (Michele says not to do that), no 20 questions, no badgering for us to go stuff together, if he wanted me with him he'd ask me. I became nicer because I had turned into a royal bitch and certainly NOT the woman he thought he married. That is what I mean by showing the love you feel, I always loved him and thought I had it made. I didn't. I killed the love he felt for me. I withheld affection and love from him. never again. I was bored, just like you. It took this wake up call last Feb for me to realize what I had and almost lost. I also know what you mean about not saying what you really feel because you "know" the response you'll get. I do the same thing, and sometimes I say what's on my mind and the response I get isn't the one I expected at all. The WAS's change too. They have to or it just wouldn't work out I don't think. It wasn't only you and I who messed up our M's, they had a part in it too. Take care, Lisa
LL, Tina and Lisa, Let me sum up your responses and try to make the connection to "out of your way" to "show the love", and my question about detaching and being a friend. LL= simply kindness; and simple is no simple word here. Tina = detaching lovingly; be a friend; would you snoop or 20 question a friend? NO Lisa = WAS have to change too. Did you ever read Passionate Marriage, when you get upset that someone else doesn't perceive you as you perceive yourself? Ah hah, how about this formula, behave like yourself 20 years ago when you met, no expectations, therefore no disappointments, smile, laugh, life is good, don't take EVERYTHING so personally, they have a life too, you know, you don't know what tomorrow will bring but it doesn't matter becuase you believe in yourself, and when they do something that makes you happy, BE HAPPY. Lure them back, the little sirens that we are. Take notice of the slightest sign that they are trying and are wonderful. Make them FEEL they are wonderful. Thanks my BB friends, It helps sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, Sarah
