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#938143 02/19/07 12:51 PM
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Well, last night went well. We put our Son to sleep, I stayed in her bed while we watched t.v. and she held my hand. It felt good because she said until she is comfortable, she doesn't want any intimacy between us. I agree, because it hasn't been that long since she was with the OM. She is ready to go at it full force, once he is gone.I will keep DBing, and take things baby step after baby step. IT feels good to have reached the first plateu of this very hard to climb mountain. But I will rest here until we both have the strength to move forward. It has been a stressful six months of seperation, but we both feel a little better.

For those who want to read my whole sitch: go to infedelity,EA forum and read the first page of got news she wants to be with OM.


M-31
W-25
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bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
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James-

In the old thread, you mentioned that the OM in your sitch treated your wife poorly. Is this what brought her around? I am asking because the OM in my sitch is not trating my W poorly. He is all over her with the ILU e mails and who knows cards and letters. I just hope that the DB techniques will still be effective when the OM looks like a saint to my W. This has been a tough 24 hours, she was really withdrawn yesterday, partially because she was tired and partially because who knows why. I am trying to detach when she is like that and only engage when she takes the lead on engaging, but wow it really takes strength.


Me: 44
S: 17 and 7
Final-6-13-08
I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
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In the begining he was great. He really is a nice guy she told me. but there were qualities that pushed him away. There was six months of her seeing how great he was. She told me there were things about me she couldn't give up, and there were parts of him she wanted to be with. These are the things I have been working on. The problem was he was pushing her towards a D, and thats what she believed. She didn't file because she still wanted the old me that she fell in love with. That's why GAL and 180 are so important. Once I had changed she saw there was hope for our M. She still has her bad days, when she is fighting with getting out of this A. It took her to realize that he wasn't the person she wanted, and only her to realize this. You can't force it, but you can pursuade her to believing in you as the person she wants to be with. The biggest thing she is going to deal with is the bond she created with OM daughter, He is a bad father, and she has took it upon herself to reach out and help her. She knows she can't fix everyone elses problems, but she is that type of person. You never know what the true attraction is, untill the truth comes out. In my case I feel it is the daughter that keeps him around. Not him, because it isn't a good R between them. your W might be holding on to something else that she doesn't want to let go of. In these cases it's a lot harder to win them back. But, you have to stay upbeat, and let it run it's course. Trying to stop it will create conflict, making it harder on them to be together will put stress on thier R, and create it's own conflict.


M-31
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S-1 1/2
bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
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Well, yesterday was a bad step backwards. She wanted to see OM really bad, she started to doubt us. We got into a little confrontation, and I told her that she had to do what she felt, and I wasn't going to stop her. I felt awful and my emotions were running strong. I had to leave for an hour, It would have got worse. I came back and she started getting ready. We were in a bad spot, she was leaving and I was upset. I let her go, she said she wasn't sure if she would be home or not. I wanted to explode. Kept it in and just let her be on her way. She called me and was in a better mood, Until she started talking about how mad she was because her parents would give her money for a DBing coach but not a divorce. She feels they were controlling her. We got into it and ended up both upset. She went to OM house, which is 2 hours away. They ended up getting into a very big fight, and it has supposedly ended. I believe her because she did call me once around 9 to tell me they were fighting, and that she would be home tonight. Then she called me an hour later and she had left. We talked about it and she told me what they had fought about. She came home very confident about us, and we had a good talk.

I know he will still keep calling her, and I get upset when they talk. I just have to give it time for it to go away. We are going to spend the day together, and we made some vague plans to go out this weekend. I feel better about it now, but it still scares the heck out of me. I sometimes felt plotted against, and there is a scam those two are pulling. But then she shows me a little sign, and I wipe that away.

I think I might have jumped the gun, can you blame me, it's been six months of agony. I should of stayed in Infedelity section a little longer. But one day maybe I will be confident enough to Shout out another one busted. But for the mean time I will keep my lips sealed.


M-31
W-25
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bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
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James, remember the rollercoaster! It's one Hell of a ride. Strap on your seatbelt and be patient. W is confused but it's heading in a good direction. PATIENCE! Keep posting.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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Yesterday was a huge rollercoaster, We had a good time all day, and then I went out to fix the garage door opener. I came back in and she was on the phone with OM. I was going crazy. I actually started having an anxiety attack. She saw that something was wrong and asked me. I told her my feelings, I said it kills me when your on the phone with him. She blew a gasket, saying she doesn't want to be with either of us, and the whole phone call was about her not wanting to be with him. Then she said she couldn't be here and one of us had to move out. We started fighting and she said she was moving out. I told her if she had to, she had to. I wans't going anywhere. I tried talking to her but she was furious. It got really bad, so I retreated into my bedroom to stay away from her. Later on she came in to offer me some pizza. Then things calmed down. We laughed at our Son a little. I asked her if she wanted to talk, but she said no. I went to bed and around 3:00 a.m. she woke me up to see if she was running a fever. Then she went back to her bedroom.

I am having a really hard time with this. I know she is to. She thinks I will never be able to get over the Affair, but I insist I will. I told her she needs to cut off all communication with him. Then I will stop worrying so much. It was a bad one, but I did go overboard with the fight. I should have kept my mouth shut, and let her deal with this. I hope we can work it out later. I left her a note telling her I hope she feels good, and to have a good day. I return home around 5:30. We'll see what kind of mood she is in. I will go on with my day and see what happens.


M-31
W-25
S-1 1/2
bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
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James-

I posted a ? on my thread. Take a look at it if you will, I need support that I am taking the right approach.


Me: 44
S: 17 and 7
Final-6-13-08
I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,442
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Hi James,

I am going through sort of the same thing. The only difference is that I never saw her on the phone with OM, only caught her one time TM him during her A and her denial. My W is going through some really weird phases, but for the most part the worst has past and she seems more stable about the whole thing. I know my W is still processing all of this crap in her mind, and I suspect your W is doing the same thing. They need to process this stuff, and we need to let them and try to keep our cool - hard to do I know.

I would say if your W is acting this way, she's not going anywhere. She still has feelings she needs to sort out and let go of OM in her own way in her own time. It is hard for us as the betrayed H's. I have been dealing with my W's half-hearted behavior about OM and me. She went from a really hot spell (ML all the time) to a dry one now (ML not worth it, not happening). Her excuse is that she's not in the mood. And that may be true, but I don't like the reason for her not being in the mood - thinking of him. So I get frustrated but at the same time I start sorting out my own crap. And I realize that our old selves are coming into play and we are slowly getting back to having our old marital issues. Some of them we can't fix, they are unfixable as Michele puts it. The issues that are fixable are the ones to work on every day.

I would say to give her some space, but walking away from the topic when you were upset was a good call. It always is. OM is still in the picture with me as well, and I too agree with you that if he would just go away completely, I would be coping with this a lot better. Having OM around just throws a wrench in our work, doesn't it? We take one step forward, and five steps back with OP still around. It sucks. But our W's are still at home, makes it easier and hard at the same time to work through our emotions.

Take care.


~Sol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Single Dad, and luvin it!
~ Happiness is a state of mind ~

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Thanks I needed that. I know she doesn't want to be with him, because they fight all the time. On the other hand, she is emotionally connected to him and his kids. I know it's only been since Sat. and I need to give it a lot more time. I just got upset and over reacted.

Well, new development. Now she wants to go visit him tonight. I'm getting killed inside. They fight non stop. What do I do?


M-31
W-25
S-1 1/2
bomb dropped 9-01-06,and repeating over and over
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,442
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How long has this been going on? - With her going back and forth between him and you?

I also see an advantage you have. If they fight all the time, you can be the more attractive man she will want - but it is going to take plenty of DBing techniques - which is doing a lot of permanent 180's so she can see for herself which is the better choice. That's the best I can do for now to explain it, but in the end our W's will need to make their own choice. It sucks, I know. We are here for them, but it is up to you to decide how much you can take.

I was ready - and still am - to leave my W if I knew that she wasn't truly committed to the R/M because of her hanging on to OM. I have been told to ride it out, that she will come back to me and in time let him go. Right now it seems hard to believe and difficult to swallow. All we can do is bite our tongue and patiently let this all play out - but each one of us has their own breaking point, right?

It comes down to one question:

* Do I want to save this marriage?

Lots here to digest.


~Sol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Single Dad, and luvin it!
~ Happiness is a state of mind ~

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