Some Advice Needed Please :)

[fandgmom]

Hi all,

Not sure if anyone on this forum remembers me because I used to post in MLC. I know BND knows my whole sitch...

Anyway...H and I have been back together since end of Aug. '06. After having been separated since January of last year. You can find my old posts if you're interested.

Here's a quick summary tho:

Me: 36
H: 37
Married: 6 years - together for 8
2 kiddos - DS 5 yrs & DD 20 Mos.

Separated: 1/16/06

Interim: BIG ROLLER COASTER RIDE FROM HE!!

H moved back home: End of August '06

So, we have been piecing since the end of August last year. Things have been going really well for us. We have both grown and changed so much through all of this. As painful as it all was, I am glad that it happened because it forced me and H to look at ourselves & make improvements and changes and now I am so thankful that we are at the point we are. He just said to me the other day, that "yeah, we took a pretty crazy route to get here, but all that matters is that we are together & our marriage is stronger and better than ever" I couldn't agree more.

He is affectionate with me, tells me he loves me constantly, tells me how happy he is with us all the time. I'm not kidding, things are really, really good. We both take time for ourselves, I still go out with friends once a week or once every two weeks. We go on dates about every 2 weeks and have FUN!

What I need some guidance on and really I just need someone to tell me to STOP doing this & how I can stop...

SNOOPING! I have a habit of checking his email on a daily basis (unbeknownst to him) I don't ever find anything but I am consumed with doing it. I want to stop it. But how can I? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get me to stop?? I feel terrible that I do it. I feel like I invade his privacy by going in there all the time and always "checking" on him. He has not given me a reason (since we have been piecing) to not trust him. But I can't help it, I still do it. I want to stop. I want to not think about that anymore. I hate it!

Any advice? Thanks in advance!!!

Love & Hugs to all!

[brandnewday]

STOP!!!!

YOU HAVE TO STOP!



BY THE WAY, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!

Can you just tell yourself that this is going to cause huge problems?
Can you tell your Husband to change his password?

[fandgmom]

Hi Faith,

Thanks hon!

I want to stop! But I just have this feeling that this could be too good to be true...and I guess that's why I do it.

Oh gosh, I can't tell him to change his pw. Then he'll know that I know! I wish I could get him to change his darn pw but without him knowing why. That would solve the whole problem...

[cat03]

if he were to change it then you'd find another way (I used to check his pockets and any little bity piece of paper)

You must stop on your OWN. Remember this: every time you do it you feed the lion of doubt, if he knew he'd be furious. I know how you feel, I did this too, my H has been back since April and only until last month or so that Idont' check his stuff nor phone.

Yes, I also, for a long time, tried to check his email like crazy, coudlnt' get the password.

This weak spot of yours will transcend onto other things, so you must fight it. I know what it is to sit there, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Everytime you want to snoop pick up a book about R, my personal favorite is "healing the hurt in your marriage" Read the chapter on forgiving, it will give you peace.

Tell yourself this when your fingers itch "im acting like an insecure child" "I'm XXy not 15yrs old"

[brandnewday]

You say your Husband is making efforts to make this relationship work.
It is time to begin to trust him again.
If it is too hard for you to stop snooping try it this way...
Give yourself only one day per week that you are allowed to look at his email.
When that day arrives, try and tell yourself that it can wait until tomorrow.
Gradually you will see that after so many months of finding nothing, you have nothing to fear anymore.

[Concerned_Listener]

Fan,
Michelle talks about a behavioral technique called "Thought-Stopping" in her DR book. It's brought-up in the context of helping those who've been betrayed by infidelity, not to obsess about it.

It's basically forcing yourself to counter the urge to snoop and to think of something more pleasant. With practice, it becomes easier to counter the urges.

I think the solution is going to involve practicing any type of countering technique--walking, writing, reading, changing the environment, meditation, etc...

Concerned_Listener

[Heywyre]

Much easier said than done sometimes. I used to "snoop" all the time - particularly his cell bill (the confirmation extrodinare) but yesterday, when his bill came in, he handed it to me, said "you wanted to see this" and I said "no thanks, if you say there's nothing in there that I have to be concerned about, I will take your word for it". As much as it was very difficult, it felt very empowering at the same time.

However, today is a different story. He told me his cell bill was over 1,200 minutes (and the guy only works 2-3 days a week) when the hell would he put that much time on his cell? So, once again, the mind starts racing.

However, I handled it quite well (or at least I think I did) when he said "of course, this probably makes you start wondering again eh?" I said yes it did but that I am dealing with those emotions. He reassured me that there was nothing going on and that he just had to stop "yakking" to his friends (male) so much. He does have one friend in particular that he yaks to - he's on the road a lot and my H calls him because he feels sorry that he is away from home so much. I can totally understand that.

[fandgmom]

Thanks all for your advice, I appreciate it. As I said, I guess I am just afraid still. Even tho things are going great, and he gives me all the reassurance in the world - it's still hard...I will try my best to knock it off.

Anyway, thought I'd share the card he gave me for Christmas. One of my friends thinks I need to tattoo this card on my butt, as a reminder. lol!

Here goes:

You and I are connected in a way that goes beyond romance, beyond friendship, beyond what we've ever had before.

It has defied time, distance, and changes in ourselves and in our lives.

And it has defied every explanation except one:
purely and simply, we're soul mates. I can't explain it.
I just feel it.

It's there in the way my spirit subtly lifts whenever we talk,
how the sound of your voice brings me home in a way I can't explain.

It's in the delight I feel when we laugh at exactly the same things.

When I'm with you, it's like a tiny part of the universe shifts into the place it's supposed to be,
and all is right with the world.

These things and so many more,
have made me understand that this is a once in a lifetime, forever connection
that could only exist between you and me.

And deep in my soul, I know that our relationship is a rare gift, one that will bring us an extraordinary happiness all through our lives.

(end of card)

I hope you know how much I love you and love our family. We will get thru this together.

XO XO
Love, H

I love this man SO much - it is truly amazing how much I feel for him.

[Heywyre]

That was a very touching card - but (isn't there always one of those? ) - Anyway, my H was constantly giving me cards, sending flowers etc. during both his A's. I look back on some of those cards (because I keep them all) and wonder what the friggin h?ll he was thinking giving me those things while he was screwing some OW!! HELLO!! sometimes I think it was more of guilt trip he was taking than really meaning what was said in those things.

Well, I have come to realize that I have to separate the two - his life with me and the life he had with the OW. During those periods of his life (aside from all the other crap/issues he was dealing with) he admitted he never for one instance thought he would leave me, it just wasn't an option for him (of course, not taking into account that it might have been an option for ME).

Regardless, he was oblivious to the fact that this might ruin his marriage. He just continued on (most likely presuming nothing would be found out and he could just end it when he got it out of his system - apparently what he was doing the last A when he got caught)

So, as much as those "words" might mean a lot to you (and possibly to your H as well) actions speak much louder than words. He has to SHOW you that he cares not just butter you up with some fancy words on a card (that someone else wrote).

My H, this time around, is approaching the A much differently than the last time, which I truly believe was the reason it happened again. He never truly dealt with the emotion/logic of it all. He is reading books, we are talking (which he initiates most of the time) he is looking at me in a different light and realizing how lucky he is to have someone that is "strong, intelligent, and can rise above all of this" - his words, not mine.

I know that sounds harsh and you are grabbing at anything to believe at this point but you must try and let the logic override the emotion (much easier said than done by a long shot). If he really truly loves you and your family - then he has to start showing it - end of story!!

[fandgmom]

The card he gave me is not the only way he shows me he loves me/us/our family.

His actions speak volumes constantly... I posted the contents of the card because it meant alot to me. Not because I was wondering or concerned that he was making shallow promises thru someone else's writing or that that was the only way he communicates his love for me...

Never once did I say that I think he is not doing his part nor did I say that he is not showing me his efforts via his actions.

Everyone's sitch is different...my H was hell bent on wanting to divorce me and felt that way from the start. He also was brutally honest about everything. I knew more than I wanted to know.