Moving over here from separated and infidelity...here are the links to my crazy train travel log:The miracle of DB'ing
Brief history: M40, H40, D19, S16, Married 20 years this week, together 25, Sep 9/05 (I told him to leave after discovering EA) H confirmed EA/PA 7/06, D filed (by me) Oct 06, on hold at this time at both of our requests.
H and I have had some fantastic conversations since New Years Day, more than we have had in the last 15 years! H is out of state on business for the next several weeks and we have spent 2-3 hours a night on the phone since he left. H told me he told OW that he can't/won't see her anymore. OW is giving him quite a hassle however and it has been a very difficult week for us all.
I have spent alot of time in prayer over the past 16 months and turned my sitch over to God, let my H go and really detached as I continued counseling and GAL. Following DB principals all the way. I offered to go to our farm with H last weekend to help him get the house ready for new renters, H happily agreed. I prayed for guidance as to how I could best help our relationship and the Lord kept impressing me to "be a friend. Tell him about me and be a friend". So that is what I did. H opened up and told me volumes about OW, he and OW's relationship, how things started and progressed, his guilt over everything that has happened and light switch moment when he just knew that what he was doing was wrong. Let me tell you, if someone had told me a year ago that I would have spent 3 days listening to my H tell me about OW and watching him openly mourn the loss of their relationship, I would have told them they must be smoking something. Almost the entire time I felt at peace. I was his most devoted friend, didn't pass judgement, validated his feelings and offered opinion when he asked.
OW is giving him alot of grief and I feel that she is not going to let him go that easy. They have known each other for over 10 years, been in EA for over 3 years and PA for over a year. H sounds much calmer and resolved last night than he did over the weekend.
We are not jumping back in to living together again at this time. We still have individual counseling to attend to and a relationship to rebuild, trust and such. Our physical relationship is wonderful and we want to continue to grow that.
I am terrified however to change the course I had set for myself last October when I filed for D. I was starting to really feel the wonder of all of my possibilites and looking forward to a new start, DB'ing all the way. The old saying "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it". I NEVER thought that H and I would be where we are right now. The power of really detaching and really letting go it HUGE. Only when I truly let him go, not just with words but with actions, did he start having lightbulbs go off in his head.
Your advice would be appreciated as I have taken what I found here and as a result get to peice a 25 year relationship back together.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
One step at a time like you have been doing....did you take stock in what has worked and what has not? Do you feel that you are reconnecting with him? Do you have a gut feeling that he may do this again if he feels that he is not getting his way or not liking the new you?
Just a few questions...but that's why you posted right?
Quote: One step at a time like you have been doing....did you take stock in what has worked and what has not? Do you feel that you are reconnecting with him? Do you have a gut feeling that he may do this again if he feels that he is not getting his way or not liking the new you?
Just a few questions...but that's why you posted right?
What has worked: detachment, detachment and did I mention...DETACHMENT? Taking the high road and not contact OW or her H, not bashing him to the kids and insisting that they respect him, maintaining slight contact with his family, swallowing my pride and asking him to spend the holidays with us and having no expectations of anything but good family time, making our home welcoming for him, not initiating R talk but being willing to talk when he chose to open up, being as devoted a friend as he would let me, admitting my mistakes and my part in the demise of our marriage and apologizing for it and asking his forgiveness, staying in prayer and scripture study, not dating or complicating the divorce with another man, being more than fair in the divorce settlement and not trying to hurt him with unfair demands and GAL (lost some weight, spiffed up appearance, getting great counseling...all very attractive).
What did not: put up a profile on a dating website under looking for friends, ignoring his calls, putting any pressure on him with ILY's, or other guilt producing/pursuing behavior, snooping (I don't recommend getting a spare key, letting yourself into his house and going through his things), initiating conflict or fights of any kind, and telling the kids too much.
I feel that we are more connected now than we have been in many years. We have ML more in the last month than all of the last year we were together! We have been able to talk on a level that we have not been able to do since we were kids.
I don't feel like he will ever do something like this again unless I revert back to old behaviors. I am not taking responsiblity for his affair, just the priming of the pump if you will and see to it that he was ripe for it. I neglected him in alot of ways, and lost all respect for him. I am a different person so the possibility of things going back to the way they were are not possible. We are both afraid of that, hence the snails pace at this time. H is not into power struggles or hissy fits, he is generally a very reasonable man now that he is sober and is not into getting his way. He is passive aggresive however and I need to call him out on that behavior when I see it.
Biggest worry at this point is OW not letting him go. H knows he should no longer talk to her but she is demanding her stuff back which will have them in contact at least one more time and H works with her but is moving to a different building when he comes back from this trip. I gotta lotta learning, healing and trust buidling to do but I'm game!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it’s dead. You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...... LET IT GO!!! If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth..... LET IT GO!!! If someone has angered you . LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...... LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude....... LET IT GO!!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...... LET IT GO!!! If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...... LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....... LET IT GO!!! If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves...... LET IT GO!!! If you’re feeling depressed and stressed ......... LET IT GO!!! If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying “take your hands off of it,” then you need to...... LET IT GO!!! Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!! LET IT GO!!! Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then . LET IT GO!!! “The Battle is the Lord's"
Whaddaya think?
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
Journaling... H and I have spent many hours on the phone over the past two weeks (he is out of state working until the end of January) and had fantastic conversations. He has been calling me in the mornings to tell me to have a good day, calls me during the day to chat while he is on lunch break and calls me in the evenings every day.
Now, this past Wednesday he did not call me in the afternoon or evening AT ALL. I began to get a little distressed and instantly thought he was caught up in a protracted conversation with OW. I reminded myself that I need to keep my expectations low and stay the course but I did get quite nervous as the night progressed. I broke down and called him and it went straight to voicemail so I left a message "Call me later if you want to".
H called after 9pm bright and cheery and said "I have been in the weirdest bible study class ever!" and proceeded to tell me about the church service he went to after work and the heated discussion that followed in bible study! I felt guilty at first for thinking he was talking to OW but then realized I have a right to feel that way. I can't just let him off the hook for the damage that was done over the past 3 years. This is a result of his lies and deceit. I will tell him this weekend how I felt on Wednesday and was thrilled to hear he had been in church but fearful he was talking to OW and how I don't want to feel this way forever but this is how I feel right now. What do you guys think?
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
TTH, Is the OW a topic that you two have been talking about? Do you have a recent history of productive conversations around this issue?
Telling him that your were feeling insecure while he was gone seems risky to me. I'm not sure what you're hoping to accomplish. I would think this is still a charged issue for you two at this time? Is it?
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Thanks for the reply CL. Last week the OW was the primary talk of our conversations. This week she has only been brought up once, by him. I don't want to tell him I feel insecure, I only want to be honest with my feelings regarding our current sitch. The old me would just squash these feelings and move on with nary a thought of mentioning it to him. The new me needs to acknowledge these feelings and not let him off the hook for the collateral damage the affair has had on our relationship. I can do this lovingly while reassuring him that I want to put things behind us as they happen, not let them build up.
We are not living together, haven't been for 17 months. We both agree we are not ready for him to move back home yet but he will be spending some nights at home when he gets back from his trip.
I am trying to stay true to myself and be honest and loving with him at the same time.
OW wants her "stuff" back. I want to suggest that we both take the "stuff" over to her house and drop it off with her husband...but I won't
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
TTH, I see what you're saying. It's about having honesty in the R. It's also about identifying and acknowledging your feelings, rather than avoiding them.
I didn't realize you two were still separated. Do you have R goals, to help measure progress, and to clarify what you want at this time? The one thing you've mentioned is the quality of communication has improved in the past month.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
R goals are as follows: 1) H will call me daily just to chat 2)H will make and keep and appointment with the psychologist as promised 3)H will return all of OW "stuff" to her at work the week he returns from out of state 4)H will continue to tell me when he has talked to her and will cut off all contact with her once her things are returned 5)H will spend 1-2 nights a week at our home when he returns 6)H will agree to go out together at least once a week 7)H will go with S16 and I to Oklahoma for a race in February.
Communication has been great, he has shared alot of painful things and it has been very helpful for me. I have told him my fears and things that bother me and he has validated and remained calm and understanding.
H wants to see the psychologist to "help me understand why I did what I did. Why did I let things get this far with her and turn a friendship into this? I want to know if she used me." It bugs me a little that he wants to see psychologist to help him deal with the loss of her but I guess I've done a good job of letting him know that I'm here and supportive and non-judgemental. After he deals with the above issues he wants to work on stuff from his past then our marriage. I'm OK with that sequence of goals.
Should I continue to ML with him while we are separated and during his mourning of the OW? The sex is incredible and I don't feel bad afterward, but when I process through it later, I feel like he is just settling for me.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
I don't see too big problem with still ML because if the sex is that good, trust me, he would not feel he just settled for you.
I have gone down the same road with W, and once a lot of issues got resolved, I found that for a man (at least me) you should be able to pick up some kind of body language from him that will let you know subtlety that he is enjoying it enough not to settle for it.
We have been able to talk on a level that we have not been able to do since we were kids.
