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How do you know if your S is staying with you (at least for the 1 month per year of M timeline) because they really still care for you or just because they are going through the motions? My H dropped bomb back in Feb, you know how it goes, don't love you anymore, unhappy for soooo long, he holds out no hope for us. I moved out in late April to give us both space and H asked me to move back 2 weeks later. NOT to start over with us, but to get me back together with our 2 teenage sons and back in my own house. Yeah right. Such pride. I guess he had to save face at that point. He has seemed more at peace since he asked me to come back, between Feb 21st-May 6th he was in bad shape with MLC. no PA, but I suspect an EA. That is totally over now. He is affectionate and loving. Baby steps but sometimes I wonder if he's faking it. I recently brought up his crisis, he denied that. I brought up his turmoil, he denied that too. I brought up his unhappiness, he DIDN'T deny that. So, he's still unhappy apparently. I realize I'm lucky having this second chance and I am taking advantage of it by DB'ing to the max. I knew all the feelings for me were not gone in him, but he had to figure that out for himself. He told me a few weeks ago that he wasn't totally detached from me. He used to say "why should we be miserable for another 20 years". (we've been M for 19). A few weeks ago while IM'ing I brought up that he said he was miserable a few months ago and he said he wasn't miserable. I guess I should just shut up and be happy with what I have. So many others here are in such pain. Thanks to anyone who took the time to stop by. Lisa

Last edited by tielbeagle; 09/04/02 02:06 AM.

tielbeagle
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Lisa,

My H did that for so long---using our s as an excuse. I don't know if it was to save face or what. A wise woman told me that there is no way he'd stayed w/ me all these years only for our son.

And our c is now addressing that same issue.

I told him of course his "love" for OW raged, the way he fed it. I likened love to a fire that has to be kindled.

I worry just as much that *I'm* faking it, because I have a hard time wanting a man who could think that piece of work OW was an "ideal woman." (gag)

I don't know what to say in the long run, but for now it looks like your H is doing the right thing to jump start your love again.

Words, what do they mean? My H made two attempts, and flipflopped back and forth over which life was the "sham." If the A is totally over we have to find a way to get over our mental block on HOW they flipflop.
Easier said than done, I know!

Glo

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Lisa,
I do feel for you. I have 3 young kids, no A...he claims he was miserable for a long time, couldn't deal with my depression his hectic life was crazy enough without me. I withdrew, he critized more...then left on Mother's day after big fight. The days and weeks that followed, he told me he "fell out of love"..."felt bad about us for a long time"..."wasn't capable of giving me what I needed" etc. Now 4 monthes later, we are seeing each other, spend nights together, sex is great. H now tells me he never "stopped caring" yet he hasn't said ILY. In the beginning I was thrilled at all the progress we are making. But now I am starting to second guess myself...why did he say all the bad stuff? I too know I should shut-up and be happy for what I have. I have to go on and live "as-if" but it is truly painfull...not really knowing what is going on in their minds. Honestly I don't think THEY know anymore than we do! My therapist told me which is the BEST advice I can give, "they are confused and don't pay attention to what they are saying but what they are DOING." I think sometimes they think out loud, and kind of use us as a sounding board. I will be married 10years Sept 11, and been together 12, still DBing he hasn't moved back in, and I haven't asked him to. Otherwise I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop~~Bonnie

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BK, so sorry to hear your anniversary is the terrible day in the history of this country now. I too agree that what they do is more important, actions speak louder than words. 2 days after I got the bomb back in Feb my H was all loving towards me. I think some of that was guilt. His words were so different than his actions all through this. he really had himself convinced he was done with me. I think he wanted to be. But I always knew he still cared. You just know. I mean I've known this guy for 21 years, better than anyone I would imagine. Take care, Lisa


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Glo, I agree that if my H really wanted out he'd have been gone, kids or not. He is more thoughtful now, he used to take off on his bike without a word and I found out (from his cell bill) that he called HER on Easter Sunday from one of his bike rides that he snuck off on and that still bothers me. I know we're not supposed to snoop but it is a good way to find out if you'e being screwed over. He doesn't talk to her on his cell anymore but I'd sure like to know if they talk between his work and her TRAILOR or are emailing. I hope not. If I find out they are I will not stand for it. He doesn't go on solo bike rides anymore, he asks me to go too and I do! Lisa


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I asked my H for a copy of his cell bill-detailed. He said he would have to order it becasue they don;t automatically come detailed showing all the numbers on them. After he told me he's order it I told him he did not have to -his willingness to was enough for me. Was that good or bad? Now I wonder if I should still have him order it. It is a good way to find out if they are lying about contact with the OW. He promises he has not had any contact with her sionce he broke it off 5 months ago. I am having a real hard time beleiving it. What should I do? Rachael M.


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Rachael, ours is Voice stream and all the calls are itemized on it. If it makes you more secure, ask him for it. After all, he betrayed you for 2 years as I recall. It is going to take time and him being trustworthy and NOT secretive for you to get that trust back. I don't want to bring up my H's EA trash to him but it was nowhere as serious as your H's affair. What cell service does he have? maybe you could call them yourself just to find out how their bills are. We want to belive them so badly. I'm having a hard time and like I said your H's affair was a bigger deal. You do need some peace of mind though, I can tell. And he knows your are having a hard time trusting him again. If I were the one who had a PA for 2 years, and was "clean" now I would have no problem proving it to my H. Just my own thoughts. Let me know what you decide to do. LIsa


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Dear tiel:
I found out this thread today and your situation is similar from mine... Me too have 3 kids... he dropped the second bomb about not being sure what he feels for me, because he doesnt feel great being with me a month ago... We were separated 4 months sept-January and after that, splitting with OW, dating out, etc... he came back home..
So, this second speech find me different, with more knoledge about whats is happening with him.... and this time i am handling situation in a different way... in a completely different way... I will work for my marriage at the same time i am working with myself... I know that while he see me happy, sure about my moves and life and wishes, not angry, acting as IF he maybe will see inside of him to look for the cause of the problems... because it isnt me...
I always question if he is in home only for the kids... also he go away a first time, a second time for them will be more difficult to handle... so, your not the only one... the only thing that makes me think he is not completely unhappy being with me, is his behavior... his last days behavior... if he was in home only for kids, he wont be kind, polite, and even get out with me alone... So, lets the time gives us answer and patience... And i hope times lets them light for looking in themselves...

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Here is something interesting, the other night H asked ME if I was getting tired of waiting for him. He wanted to make sure I wasn't about to leave HIM! That's a switch. I told him no. But then I also said that 7 months ago he would have welcomed a comment like that from me. He said things are different now. Wow. Then he asked me if I felt more secure. I said that was a trick question because anytime back between Feb-April if I dared to tell him that I was encouraged by anything he'd be sure to put me in my place and tell me that that didn't mean anything and he's been just so unhappy for so long. So I said to be truthful, yes I am a little more secure because things are better now than they were. He asked me to sit by him then. He seems to be testing the waters, maybe? Lisa


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Just a bump...how are you?


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