I have a thread on the bottom of this page or even on page 2 by now titled, "bomb dropped 2/21". H is trying to make this thing work out, but sometimes I'm so insecure! He seemed a little distant yesterday and last night, today too. What do I do in times like this? Just try to be patient and keep Db'ing? Not apply any pressure? I hope he's not getting fed up with "faking it" like I sometimes allow myself to think he's doing, simply to keep the peace and not upset everyone. Lisa
TB-I know exactly what you mean. It's SO hard to trust them and then when they seem distant you wonder what is this all about? My H says I go distant-I have been trying with everything I have not to, and I've done a pretty good job of it-its when he does and I wonder whats going on I get quiet and contemplative wondering what to do and so he takes that as me being distant when I'm jsut reactign to his distancing. Hard to know how to act. I'm having a terrilbe time trusting again and have had to fight my way back from anxiety and panix atttacks when he left home for 6 months. Then I found out about the 2 1/2 yr affair he had and he broke it off and came home. Siad he had figured out she was not what he wanted-It took him 2 1/2 yrs to figure that out?? I knew soemtihg was wrong though and had asked him a couple of times if he was having an affair beasue he was SO withdrwan from me and angry so much of the time. Now he is not that way, but I still doubt him when he says there ahs been NO contact after ie broke it off. He said she was very angry with him-well, duh, she thought she had him, after all he had nmoved out. He never wanted to marry her,just wanted the attention and effection since I had shut down. He takes responsibility for his actions and reassures me whenever I ask him that there has been NO contact and there won't be. He tells me he loves me all the time but somehow I can't get rid of the mistrust. Somedays are harder than others. Today is a hard one even though we were intimant this morning and he came hom a while ago and told me he loved me again. I want to see his cell phone records to mnake sure he is still not talking to her. I think that would ne the most he would do but even that would be a lie nad I couldn't handle it. He promised to even tell me if she even tried to all him. He says she hasn't. Trust is so hard after all this that I wonder if I'll ever trist again. Rachael M.
Trust is so hard to rebuild, but it gets easier as time goes on. If H wants to rebuild the trust, maybe he should volunteer his cell phone bill for you to see and possibly be more accountable to you about his time.
I still think about W`s A every single day. We never talk about it anymore and I never question her about it anymore and I finally stopped snooping. Things get better and better every day, and I think about it less and less as time goes on, but the thoughts always seem to creep into my head even though I know that I have my W back and that things are and will be fine with us.
John-HOw long was your wife in an A and how long has it been since she has ended it. When did you finally start to trust her again?? I am having such a hard time with it (trust). IS it slow like they say it is getting to that point where you start to feel like the bottom is not goingto fall out from beneath you any minute? DId she stat to do something different that made you feel like she was emotionally present finally? ITs been 5 months since I found out about my H A, and I am having a real hard time rebuilding trust. ITs very slow to come back. HE tells me I cna trsut him but after 2 1/2 yrs of him lying to me I have a hard time beleiveing it. Before this he was faithful for 27 yrs. We married very young-I am 47 nad he is 48. I don;t want to throw away 30 yrs of marriage over this. Rachael M.
To the best of my knowledge (and my snooping ), A started in April 01. I don't know when EA became PA.
W dropped bomb in August. When asked, she lied about having OM.
I moved out in late September.
In early November, my son got a phone call from W of OM. When confronted, W still denied A. Eventually, she admitted A and a week later, she told me that she broke up with him. Two days later, I got a call from my kids telling me that mom snuck out of the house at 5am to meet with OM.
Within a week, I moved back home.
Two weeks later, W moved out to live with OM, then moved back home two weeks later.
On New Year's Eve, W told me that it was over with OM again and she wanted to try to be a family again. Initially, W was not comfortable sleeping with me and eventually moved into an apartment that we have in our home. At this point, I knew that the A was over, but W was obviously in mourning over the loss. She was in a deep depression. She wasn't able to function fully around the house. Even though she was in the house every day, I was still doing all of the grocery shopping, preparing dinner, making lunch for the kids, cleaning and doing all of the laundry. After dinner, she would get up from the table, go into the den and within ten minutes, fall fast asleep on the sofa. She would wake up at about 11pm, and then go up to her apartment and go to bed. Anytime that there was the slightest confrontation with the kids (13 & 16), she would immediately retreat to her apartment.
Her recovery was slow. She lived in the apartment for two months before she was comfortable moving back in with the family. She slowly began taking on more responsibility around the house. I think that my restoration of trust was as slow as her recovery.
I feel that now, she is pretty much back to normal, and things have been great between us. Every day I think about what happened, so I probably will never trust completely. Don't get me wrong, I trust her now, but it is not blind, naïve trust as it was in the past. However, I think that I now know the signs to look out for, so that history will not repeat itself.
Rachel, I hope that this answers your questions. If you want more detailed info on what I was going through at the time, you should take a look at my threads. I did a lot of journaling when I was at my low.
Dear tiel: i understand how you feel, because my h was distant and i knew deep inside something was wrong... so, stupid me or not, when i ask what was hapening he drooped the second Bomb... "i dont know... i dont feel well with you... etc etc..."... this time full of sadness... it was like he said something he didnt want to say... he told me he didnt want to take a precipitate decission this time... i mention him briefly the possibility him living a crisis... he accept maybe is that.. so here we are... living together... me with an enormous scare... he giving me signals of a person whos trying to work on our marriage... but distance... friendly but distance...
John-yousay youknow the signs to look for so history won't repeat itself. What would those signs look like John? My H is where your wife was I think. He broke it off with the OW after I found out about them . He had had a 2.5 yr affair with her! Now he is nice somedays. angry others. At home he is quiet most the time, falls asleep on the couch. In bed I do most of the snuggling-he will be intimant but its almst always me that initiated it right now, and he does not get turned on as easily as before. What do I do -if I try tto talk to him aboutit he get defensive and turns it around on me, so I've left it alone hoping its just a phase nad he'll get through it and start to act like he;s really glad to be back home! Rachael
During the weeks prior to my W dropping the bomb, she seemed to act withdrawn. I kind of knew something was not right, but, like a dope, I didn't confront it. I just figured that it was just another one of her mood swings and she would eventually get over it. Boy, was I wrong!
I think that your Hs quiet, introverted behavior is a sign of depression. My W had no idea that she was displaying depressed behavior. I brought it to her attention in a caring, non-confrontational manner and suggested that she mention it to her therapist. Eventually she started, and is still taking meds.
Part of the depression stems from your H being in withdrawal from his A. Unfortunately, this is going to take time and you really need to be patient about it. What you can do to speed along the process is not to bring it up in conversation. Let you H have this time to observe your new behavior and confirm in his head that he made the right decision to remain with you. Your H is mourning the loss of what he thought was true love, and at the same time he is uncertain that any of the DB changes that you made are for real.
If he reacts the way my W did, then he will begin to come around slowly. When he does, don't get too excited. Let him know that you are interested but let him know that it is ok for it to happen on his time frame.
), A started in April 01. I don't know when EA became PA.