seeking advice from those that are dealing with aftermath of spouse's PA

[purplekat]

short history ------ okay H told me on 3/11/02 about two ONS (one 3 years ago & 1 in Oct 2001) and an EA (just ended) that he had. Divorce is definately busted (thanks to DB/DR & all of you guys). I was doing okay with putting all this behind me until last night when everything went to hell in a handbasket!

H is going on a motorcycle weekend trip with his dad this weekend & then leaving on a business trip for 10 days Monday morning --- so I wanted last night to be special - if you know what I mean.

Well everything was going very well UNTIL (after several beers) I got this vivid image in my head of my H with these OW. I couldn't shake it at all. The hurt of knowing that everything we were doing he had done with at least two OW just made me feel very NON-SPECIAL. he could tell I was troubled but I really didn't want to talk too much about it since we had both been drinking but my mood definately changed and my body would not respond because my mind was some place else.

This morning it's still here - how is what we have physically special when he had no problem sharing it with OW. To know that he touched them like he touches me, and vise-versa makes me want to throw up!

It's been about a month since I had confirmation of the ONS & EA.

Is this a normal part of the process of healing? I have C appt monday & I will ask her. I also checked out the book "after the Affair" but haven't started reading it yet - this weekend.

Is anyone else going thru this or has gotten thru this? How do you make your intimate life feel special again?

He has come so far - and so have I. we talked about the reasons behind his unfaithfulness and what we needed to do to keep it from happening again and we are in C seperately (for now). I have forgiven him and try to see him as a good man who made some mistakes & has some problems of his own to deal with. Been dbing my but off for the last month but now that the crisis of the bomb is subsiding I find many feelings coming out that I know I need to deal with BUT don't want to bombard him with them.

This is very overwhelming and my PMA is in the negative right now. I did my best not to talk too much about it and "send him off" with a smile for his weekend with dad but now I feel very alone and hurt.

Please tell me this goes away

[ April 19, 2002, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: purplekat ]

[lily]

Been there, done that.

You'll make it.

The day after our bomb we kissed. I said, "well" and he said "nothing". By the end of the week I was the one who said that we needed to see if we were compatible in bed. We were and that has only gotten better for us.

The time came when the roller coaster of emotions got going when I thought about the two of them kissing. I did vomit. I got a bad headache and felt nauseated for the entire day. I guess that served as my physical purge of her.

When you are in bed w your H you want to focus on pleasuring each other. This is not a time to be thinking about the kids, the house, the ow, the dog, the car won't run, etc. Be in the moment w this man that you love. Enjoy yourself. When the afterglow is done and you'r back in the world just make sure that ow is on the bottom of your thought list. Tax season is just over so put her below taxes for 2002. You know.

I wanted to talk about ow one time to many and finally gave myself a boundary. If he brings her up ok. If I bring her up then I get to go scrub toilets. For awhile there we had the cleanest of toilets in town. Just get her out of your mind and keep her out. She is poison.

I'd encourage you to read David Deida on the net. I like it. It makes me blush to read it but I like his message about opening yourself to love even if your angry. You'll want to visit his free excerpts for 'Dear Lover'.

If you are Christian I can supply you with some scriture references that might help you in forgiving her. By forgiving her by faith you protect your own hearth from being bitter. Works for me.

Good luck and glad you made it to this other side!!!!!

[purplekat]

thank you Lily. It helps a lot knowing that I'm not alone on feeling this way.

Right now I am at the vomit stage & don't dare eat anything.

I have lots planned this weekend to keep me busy while he is gone - I don't want to feel like this when he comes back Sunday.

H told me that the two ONS didn't mean anything to him and he never saw them again (one is in another state) and the EA he did not progress to a PA (which oddly enough I do believe). H told me that the emotional bond was missing from our relationship for a long time and now H says he loves me more than when we got married. H said also that the emotion intimacy is what makes it different than the ONS and special to him.

Last week he told me that I was a good woman. I started to cry a little. He asked my why I was crying & I told him that he had NEVER told me that in all our years of being together (about 8) and that they weren't tears of sadness but tears of joy that I was crying. He smiled, held me and told me that he was sorry for not telling me that before but that he always thought it.

I guess I need to hold on to that moment and when a bad "image" comes in my head I need to force myself to remeber that - and all the other things that are happening now that I have wished for for 7 years.

I would love the verses you have for forgiving OW. I have tried to understand that if it wasn't them it would have been someone else. And I thank God tht I don't know what they look like - now that would drive me insane. The hardest thing is knowing how much younger they were than me - about 10 years OUCH. That't the one thing they had that I can never give my H - youth

I am forcing myself to go out at lunchtime just to get out of this bldg - maybe I'll try to get a milk shake or something to treat myself.

thanks again Lily

[Ultreya]

Hey P-Kat,

You said:
"The hardest thing is knowing how much younger they were than me - about 10 years OUCH. That't the one thing they had that I can never give my H - youth"

Youthfulness has nothing to do with age... remember that. It's what's inside that counts. There will always be someone younger, better looking...whatever... but those things change with time . Those women will not always be young... but unless they decide to change they will always be what they are... ONS material.

Let your light shine brightly... that's your true beauty and will only attract the best for you.

Hang in there
U

[matilda]

It's been almost 7 months since H dropped the bomb on me and I still have those feelings of it not being "special". We've talked alot about that - H said same thing to me about the intimacy that we share is what makes it special to him. Apparently the sex wasn't ever that good with the OW because of the guilt, shame, deceit, lies -- all the crap that goes along with it. He tells me that being with me just "feels right". So, my question, why in hell did it take you 8 months to realize that?

For me, I'm not sure I will ever feel the same as I did before. I do share a very intimate and joyful love life with my H, but as you say, when it's been shared with another it just takes the specialness away. I hope that can change someday. I need to feel special again.

In my case the OW was 10 years young, also. Trust me, that makes no difference. I saw her, confronted her face-to-face. She looked like she could've been 5 years older than me! So don't obsess about that. Unfortunately, I've come to realize it's not about looks - or even about the sex. It's all about how the OW makes them "feel." Yes, he felt "special" because of her attention - at least for a little while. Sure doesn't make up for the way he's feeling now. I've never vomited thinking about them together -- cried, yes; vomited, no. H is the one who vomites at the thought of her. Yes, even this week when we talked about it the next morning he was throwing up. Don't feel so "special" now, do you dear?

I don't know about forgiving the OW. When I confronted OW she asked me to forgive her. I told her I'd put all my engery into forgiving my H as he was working hard on a daily basis to earn my forgiveness. She's not simply not worth the effort to me. Cuz I do think it takes work to forgive someone. Yes, I'm Christian and know I should forgive her, but I'll just leave that up to God. She's his problem now.

Good luck, hon. Take Lily's advice. Just shut out those images (believe me, I know how hard it is) and enjoy each other. It'll get better. Actually, come to think of it, since I confronted the OW about two weeks ago I haven't had those images when H and I are together -- interesting.

Matilda

[purplekat]

Matilda - thanks for replying. I have been reading your thread this past week and I think it was awesome of you to confront OW! I saw several similarities in your sit that I am dealing with. Isn't it funny how their desire to feel "special" totally overshadowed the VERY obvious fact that if they acted out just to "feel special" because they were not feeling special in their marriage that they would in turn be making someone they cared about feel the same way they were feeling - not special in their marriage?? DUH! I told H that there were MANY MANY times that I didn't feel that he loves, respected or wanted me but I did NOT go find someone else to "make me feel special" - I found other things to occupy myself & fill that void.

I read on one of the thread (can't remember who's) that said that it is harder for a guy to get over his W having an A because they are such visual "creatures". apparently the images that they have in their head are really VIVID and getting past them is nearly impossible for some guys. Interesting huh?

I have also realized from talking to H (like you said) that him feeling loved, respected, wanted, admired, attractive, etc is what will keep him "home" - so to speak. You know, that kinda bugs me ---- what ever happened to "for better or worse" and "moral fiber"??? Now I wrestle with the possibility of him not feeling "happy" in the future but not telling me & acting out again.

I may have been wrong in doing so but I told H that if he acted out again I would not take him back because that would mean to me that honesty, openness, communication, respect & all the other things we are working to accomplish will have been discarded in our marriage. I told him that I was not making threats but rather I was telling him how important it is that we make sure we not get to this point again & that I would expect him not to take me back if I acted out. My H is VERY VERY bad about confrontation - obviously, he lied to me for 3 years about his first ONS that I pretty much was sure he had. I want him to be comfortable enough with me to tell me if he feels he is being neglected in some way or if work is really getting to him (which it does). He bottles things up and then basically EXPLODES.

well enough babbling

thanks for the reply - any more good advice would be appreciated.

Oh, and U - you are very right that you are only as old as you feel. And I truely believe that women/girls who would mess with a married man are destine to go thru the pain they have caused the spouses of their lovers. I remember being in my early 20's and my boss (married 2 kids) came to me one day & professed his "love" for me and that he was thinking of D and wanted to know how I felt about him. He was a good friend, attractive, never tried anything, etc. Well I told him in no uncertain terms that he was special to me but I could not live with myself knowing that I had any part of breaking up a marriage of 15 years. I immediately started looking for another job, backed away form him BIG TIME and finally left the sit. Well he never did get a D - they are still married and I am to this day glad I did what I did. Why can't the OW in our sit be like that? GGGGGRRRRRRR

Well - back to work. I had some salad at lunch. I feel better.

[healedbutscarred]

My H's A only lasted about 4 months before I found out. I saw a picture of the OW and she was just an average looking woman,a little plump maybe. She was only 5 years younger that me. I think after all the conversations with H he wasn't with her just for the sex. She was easy to talk to and she seemed to understand him. Anyway,the day I found out my H had just gone out of town (thankfully not to where he had met the OW). I called him and told him I knew about her and really ruined his week end . When he got home we sat down and really talked for the first time in a LONG time. Then for the first time in many many months,I went to bed with him (not hours later like usual). I also didn't crawl into bed wearing a night shirt and stick to my side of the bed. I think it really surprised him that I came into the bedroom with him,stripped down and crawled in next him. He held onto me so tight for so long and we cuddled all night. He told me that he had really missed that with me. Don't really know why I had stopped doing it. We were just both so unhappy. Anyway,I knew I wasn't ready to make love but really didn't need that -I needed the closeness. He called the OW with me on the extension and told her that their R was over because he loved me,had never stopped loving me and wanted to fix our R. That night and the next night I went to bed with him and we cuddled and held each other all night. Then The next night I told him (while we were holding each other) that whenever he was ready to make love I was. I told him I was nervous and a little scared because I didn't know if I would be able to forget that he had held,touched and had sex with someone else. He admitted to being scared too. He was afraid that he would disappoint me and that the hurt and anger would cloud my ability to enjoy his love making. We just held each other and then slowly began to caress and kiss. One thing led to another and the only thing on my mind was the way he was making me feel. It was beautiful and fulfilling for both of us. I'm not saying that I didn't get a sick feeling sometimes when I thought of him with the OW and I got angry and sometimes felt I would throw up (it has gotten better and it has been over a year since he was with her). The trick is to NOT let those thoughts into the bedroom with you and your H. I obsessed a lot about it and would wonder things like, "was she better in bed", "was she sexier", "did they do the same things we do". As I began healing those thoughts became fewer and fewer. Maybe I am "weird" or something but I just made up my mind that I was not going to allow the thoughts of this B ruin something special between me and my H. My H says that men can separate "sex" and "love". He says that a man can make love to the woman he loves but he can have sex with a woman he doesn't love or even have feelings for. He thinks that women can't separate sex and love -that they have to love the man they are having sex with. I am not sure I totally agree with that because there are women who have a lot of sex with a lot of men and you know they don't "love" all of them. When I decided to forgive my H for cheating,I knew that I had to totally forgive him for everything. It wasn't easy to forgive and it wasn't easy to trust him again but time had been a healer. It has been over a year and the pain isn't as sharp and I have never regreted one moment that I forgave him. We are both so happy and more in love than ever. I hope and I pray that you find the peace and happiness in your R with your H that I have. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Pfroglady

[matilda]

I told my H the same things you did -- no second chances. The main reason I gave him, though, was that I felt that if could hurt me again the way he hurt me this time that I would have to believe that he not only didn't love me, but that he didn't even like me anymore. I made myself very clear on that issue. H said he'd rather kill himself than go through this again. I believe him. The trust is coming back - slowly.