he seems distant again

[tielbeagle]

My husband just 5 days ago decided to stay together so the kids wouldn't be put through a divorce. Things had been going great since then, he was being responsive and really trying, I felt closer to him than I had in a long time. Now last night however he seemed distant again. At a very insecure time in my life that isn't very reassuring. I don't really want to question him on it though because I don't want to pressure him. Any advice? Lisa

[lily]

Hi, there are a couple of ways to look at it.

Think: 1 baby-step forward followed immediately by 1 gian-step backwards.

You need to find the thread by Australian that is about SLOWLEE SLOWLEE CATCHEE MONKEE. Basically, you make life w you look very good and inticing. You draw him to you. He'll get scared and maybe bolt from your camp to somebody elses camp or maybe to his little bachalor monkee pad. You don't try to catch him though but keep your camp looking real fine. He comes back, plays w the stuff in the camp and is so curious. If he gets scared or feels threatened he bolts again. Maybe just to the edge of the camp. The camp is safe and comfortable though and he doesn't leave. He comes back in to the center and now, when he feels unsettled, he just goes over to the corner of the camp and stares at his belly-button. He's actually doing some profound thinking. Finally, he's back and doesn't even realize that he's caught(committed). Or something like that.

There's a formula. You take how many years you've been married and figure that it'll take one month of R work for each year of marriage. I've just begun Recovery month #7 of a 28 year M.
If there's an A to recover from you have to allow 1 month for every month of the A. If they contact each other it sets A recovery time-clock back to zero. I'm letting our Recovery (M and A) run concurrently.

You have to be so very patient and understanding of the process.

I periodically ask H to triage us: Critical - Intensive Care - Serious - Guarded - Fair -Good.

He places our R at Guarded. At first sign of trouble we will run for help together.

When it gets rough just breathe, deeply. It works.

[Jamesjohn]

Hi tielbeagle!

This whole reconciliation thing is a process, not an event. I think this kind of stuff is going to happen for awhile.

Hang tight, and keep the big picture / ultimate goal in mind.

It usually gets better with time.

Keep all the good, positive events in mind. They can eventually overcome these "not-so-good" times.