My ? is how do you piece it back together?My XW wanted a D because of a EA-PA and now that is over but we have been D for 6 months.We see each other everyday.We also take the kids out to eat or spend time together a couple times a week and get along better than we did the 1 1/2 years we were seperated.She still won't go on a date with me and I really don't know why.She also said the other night that she hoped that I could give her some time and that if I couldn't wait she must not be worth it.I just don't know if she will make the first move or if I should not ask her out anymore or what.Most of her stuff is still at me house and she stopped the courts from doing some of the $ stuff set forth in the D decree.any ideas would help.
RELAX and be PATIENT. You are doing great. Pull back the reigns of control. This is a process and you can't control it. You are in a very good place. You both share the kids and she has things at the house. This means you both are very much connected. Learn to be confident in yourself and stop acting ridiculous. She loves you and you are the FATHER of her children. Woman are not like guys, that means a whole lot to her. She loves you more than she could love anyone, now believe that. What if you knew that she will return to you, you would be much more relaxed and happier. Do you need that to happen in order to feel more confident in yourself. What if you felt that way right now, would it make her come back sooner. Yes it would because you be more attractive to her. The key is your confidence, learn to accept and to give in not control it. Let your wife decide without any intervention from you. Would you like to be controlled and manipulated? You have all the signs of this happening. Start treating her and yourself as if you were back right now. How would you be feeling if you two were back. Start working on it now, leave the door wide open for her.
testa thanks for the reply,I hope I am getting better because I know that for the most part I have done a pretty crappy job DBing.Thats a point I try to get across to the new comers.As hard as it is you have to give them the space they are asking for or it will take longer or not happen at all.When I asked her today if I needed to get a sitter for us to go out she paused and said she wasn't ready for just us two to go out yet,so I said thats ok if you change you're mind let me know,maybe next time.Six months ago we would have ended up discussing it for a hour until one of us got mad.Since I let it go she turned around and wanted to talk about other things and then she came by my office.Oh well gotta the kids and I are babysitting my XW's moms dog tonight.The soap opera continues.How are you doing testa?
We had another good weekend together at least we ate at her house saturday night and we were together all day sunday,we even flirted a little.Quite a change since our D became final.She is trusting me more and talking more so I hope this is a good sign.I hope she will start dateing soon.I think she knows how much I have changed and that my goal in life is to make my family happy.
Take it slow buddy, sounds like you've got a great chance. Don't push the date thing too much.
Maybe redefine your family times together as little "mini-dates". Keep those times fun and comfortable, and it may help open the door a little more for you.
JJ
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Hey man, keep it up. Your doing good. Go with the flow, keep telling yourself NO PRESSURE, NO DRAMA, treat her good. Force the changes in yourself. You are the watcher of your actions and whats unfolding around you. This is a time where we men must watch the details, the looks, the actions, the silence, the gestures the subliminal language that speaks LOUDER then words. We can't sit on the couch and watch video's and flick the channels, no this is much different now. I've passed through the door of fear and dependency. I have finally detached and released my XW. I thought I would never say that but I have. It doesn't mean I don't still love her, actually my feelings haven't changed for her. But, it's time to stop beating myself up and acting like a baby. It's time to move forward and live my life. Randy, don't lose this, if you want your wife back then you must be mentally prepared for everything. Stay sharp and focus and think of every move you are going to make. Get her back, you know there really isn't anyone to compare with your wife. I know that now!!! I really FUCKED up....I regret loosing her and don't you!!!! Just remember this my friend, you want her to chose and committe to you on her own. That's how it will work !!!! You must let go of control over her decisions and thoughts.this will make you feel more confident, stronger and worth every penny......either way Randy, you are a good guy...and you will come out of this in one piece and a better person...one last thing, don't ever take anything for granted.......see you....
I would really like to take her on a adult date but the big thing I see that affects her most is if she says she isn't ready I just let it go and praise her for considering it.I just tell her thats ok when you are ready you will know it and we can go then.I do need to remember that the time that we spend together counts as quality time and may be more valuable to our relationship.I have to take it slow and that is so hard as everybody knows.Several weeks ago during one of tough times I asked her if she wanted to act like we were D and she said that she hoped that I could give her some time so I told her I was in this for the long run and yes I would give her time.Have a good day everyone
Well I screwed up last night.XW had been gone for a couple of days and was supposed to be back yesterday evening and I never heard from her so I called last night and just ask her how her trip was and then I said I figured you would call and her reply was we're not married.I said no we're not I just figured you would.Then she went on to say everything is still the same between us and that drug me into a OR talk.She still says she isn't ready for a intimate relationship with anyone and I know that it is so important to be that best friend for when she is.I just don't understand her because it seems so easy to fix if she could just get over OM.How do I handle?I know I should just take the time I get and be happy but she said she wouldn't ask me and that I could keep asking her and if she didn't want to go she would say no.The only thing we argue over is OR.And that is about the only thing I haven't been able to change for the better about me,I hate rejection from her.
You be learn to handle rejection my friend. This is a time for your growth, learn to accept rejection, maybe ask yourself why do you feel rejected. This is one area of your growth. Think about it, if you overcome this you will be at a better place. The other area for growth is to detach from her even further, no calls my friend. It's ok, just because you detach does not mean you do not love her. It's the opposite and once you begin you will understand what I'm saying. This is a time to grow. Stop controlling her, show her change in you. She must committe to you on her own, but hsi will be from how you change. She will not go back to the same ol, same ol... What if she is torn right now between starting w/ someone new or going back to you...give her a reason not to start new...CHANGE!!!
