Well, W and I have another C session this Saturday. It's been over a month since our last session. I've been thinking that this will be it for now as I don't think this C can offer us anything additional.
This looks like a good sign and at the same time I have this feeling that we will need to replace this formal and productive communication forum with something unsupervised. I have this uneasy feeling about it. Kinda like the little bird jumping out of the nest. Time to fly, I guess.
I almost wish W would continue some personal C sessions as I know she still suffers from an identity crisis. I know that I cannot fix it for her. I can only monitor the situation and provide support.
I have alot to be grateful for. This past year and a half has proven to be a very interesting journey indeed. I know I have grown imensely. I also feel lucky to have managed to turn things around for W and I. At least for the time being. I don't think it would have happened if not for Michele's DB book and the support I received on this BB.
I recognize that for me, the battle is far from over. There will be no more blissful innocence/ingnorance for me. Every day will be an opportunity to strengthen or weaken my relationship with W.
Never forget that happiness comes from within. Depending on others to provide happiness is a path to self destruction. Also remember that you cannot be happy while harboring bad feelings like resentment, anger, suspicion, hatred. With these bad feelings we severly restrict our potential.
This C session sould be interesting. My topic for discussion will be "Where do we go from here?" Wish us luck.
I don't know what you've been trying to help W with her identity crisis thing, but I found it helpful with my W to keep my distance at times and just observe her during certain activities that I know she has struggled with in the past. I will use the indifference technique to get her to learn/try to experience new things. It seems that the more new things she does, whether she succeeds or fails, she gets a better idea of how she should run her life. I do emphasize the "her life" part.
When we were seperated my W went on a rampage of doing things she had never done before, but had taken for granted because I was always there to help her or do it for her. Things such as: paying the bills, purchasing a new car, maintaining the cars, etc... Basically responsibilities that she had never had to deal with.
I will also do things for her that she is very good at, to simply give her more time to experience things she's not so good at.
So next time your W needs your help or you think she does, think about what benefits she would gain by doing these things on her own, with you standing by just in case.
Call this "balancing one's identity" if you will.
Does this make sense? I'm not sure if I've phrased what I'm trying to tell you correctly.
I just wanted to post this separately from my 'backslide' thread.....
CONGRATULATIONS!! That's great. I really appreciate all the support you've given me-I aspire to be where you are right now (inside your own head). The goal I am working towards is the "...down to the hours..." thing.
I wish you and your W continued happiness and will remain hopeful because of your willingness to share your story and provide insight to others.
Greg, Thanks for dropping in. I here what you are saying and as usual, you are right. Part of my self monitoring is to make sure I send the right signals to W that I want her to explore new avenues, new experiences. In my 20's and early 30's, I did everything I dreamed of and plenty more. By the time I married, all I really wanted was a family. My W had the opposite situation in her 20's. She never got to experience total freedom. In the past I have been guilty of doing too much for W. I have and continue to work on this issue.
We just came back from dinner togather. Had an OR talk that was pretty beneficial. We decided to keep seeing the C every couple of months or so for the near term to keep a safe time for OR adjustment. W's biggest concern is that I will hold her back. She feels guilty when she leaves me at home with the kids. I pretty much told her that any perception that I resented her doing stuff for herself was her misperception. I was doing what I wanted by being home with the family. That was my choice. I went on to tell her that I expected her to make herself happy and that the health of our relationship depended on it.
I have been aprehensive for the past few days about this upcoming C session. Not sure of all the reasons. I feel somewhat releived tonight as we have actually managed to have a serious OR conversation without tears.
Greg, I'll never forget the support you provided me at the darkest moments in my life. Thanks again!
Me2,
Be patient lady. Patient with H and patient with yourself. Keep your expectations realistic. Question every negative feeling as they start. It is lots of work, but worth it. I've been where you are now. I remember the anxiety. I even still get twinges.
I'll bet Greg, Cliff, Tom, Patience and others still get twinges as well. I think this is what growth is all about. As we get used to dealing with our own feelings we naturally get better at it. Give your H a hug for me. Just don't tell him.
My next big test is coming this week. Thursday morning I drop W at the airport and she is headed to FLA for 6 days alone. I must admit, I feel a little aprehension. I did urge her to go and I really want her to have a break. I guess maybe This is going to be a private little backslide for me.
I'll send her off with a kiss and a smile. My challenge is gonna be to not let it bug me. Hmmmm! I think we will start by packing up the kids and do a road trip to visit a friend in beautiful WI. That gets me to Saturday. Gotta plan somethin for the weekend Hmmmmm! Maybe another trip ti MI to visit an Aunt. Or possibly MO to visit grandma and some other relatives.
I guess it won't be so horrible. I'm sure I'll still worry. Gotta let the little birdie fly.
I wonder about what my next test was going to be. There is a good possibility that W may not be able to go on her trip to Fla. She may be going into the hospital instead. Should know by tomorrow afternoon.
Looks like I'm heading out for a couple of days. W is still going to FLA. Says she will be OK. I hope she is not B.S.ing me. Gotta pack the little ones and load the mini van. I'll check back this weekend.
Life does not get worst for me anymore. Just more complicated. I told my W's 91 year old grandma the other night that I finally realize how it feels to have nothing more to gain and everything to lose. It's not depressing, just another realization. I have everything I want in life. Except perhaps time.
Ta! Ta!
Kent
[This message has been edited by KentS (edited 03-28-2001).]
