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Hi Folks,

For those that haven't been following my sitch over in Newcomers, here is the sitch:

Me: 38
WAS: 39
Three children: S10, S7, S3
Married 12 years, together 15
Bomb: July 2005

Essentially, after moving out in August to a little one bedroom apartment as you all know it has been a veritible rollercoaster. WAS had about a 4 month affair which she claims is over. Been in MC for about 5 months (off and on, but more regularly lately).

This past weekend, she invited me to move home. Many of the details are in the thread link at the bottom of this post.

I've been home now for 3 straight nights and have been "trying" to "ease" into it. Although, as far as she is concerned it is essentially okay to move back at any time. This has been tough because to respond with, I'm going to stay at the apartment tonight is usually met with a negative tone. Not entirely bad, I think she just wondering why I don't "run" back - that it might be "me" that has issues now. I think OTOH, this probably isn't bad since what is wrong with her thinking that I am "thinking" about it.

However, the days and nights have been good overall - we are comfortable around each other (always have been) and flirty. No ML yet - almost the other night, but S3 couldn't sleep so he came into our room (which was a problem before as well!!!). Need to get that kid chained to his bed!!!!

I'd like to plan a complete move back over the next week and a half. W had told the kids that "daddy would be moving back in a couple weeks". W and me had a talk about renewing vows - assuming we could make it work.

One other thing I am struggling with is the ILY. I still don't say it and we've had couple of moments where it would seem she is waiting for me to say it. Any thoughts on this? I'm guessing wait until she says something FIRST.

Anyway, I know the real work begins now. Here's to all of us trying to make this work.

Sven


Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

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Sven,

Happy to be the first to welcome you to piecing. Congrats.
And yes, from my experience this isn't much easier. I'll be checking in on you.

Xue


50-60% of marriages are successful
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Svenster,
Yes...now the real work begins, rebuilding your R and M. Here is an idea on the ILY question. What you could do is plan something romantic and meaningful, something that will signify the beginning of the new R. Then take the initiative and say ILY, but make it romantic, something you will both remember. Then build on that. It is not so much that you say it, but is the when, where and how you say it that is going to be meaningful. Sure you could just say it, but then it will not carry wieght and meaning. It will be kind of a let down. Remember you are a changed person, more in tune with your W than ever before. This includes being romantic and spontaneous, not the workaholic you used to be. So go for it Sven and shine like we know you will. Good luck to you. Ciao.

AK

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Thanks AK for the encouragement. I’m certainly hopeful that my thread in piecing is not short lived! And a great suggestion you provided. I’m not in any hurry per se to hear the words, was just wondering how to deal with the awkward pauses.

An update of the last couple days because things have gotten a little chilly.

I was “home” until yesterday. I decided yesterday, based on her cooling off the past day and a half or so that it would be best if I stayed at the apartment. I told her I needed clothes and some space. As I was leaving last night, she asked me if everything was okay. I said “sure, just tired”. It was late and I didn’t want to fall into an R talk – I really wasn’t ready.

What a ride downward – not all bad mind you – but to think a week ago, we were all lying in bed as a family watching a movie. WAW and I slept, spooned and hand in hand. Now, we’re distant again. The skeptic in me believes the OM has crept back into the picture again – I know he had been calling (caller ID) much of the week. I further suspect she misses him. It is amazing that this came not from the caller ID findings, but more from a genuine awareness of how she is feeling.

Funny however is how I feel. I’m oddly at peace and still ready to keep marching on with MY life. I think a huge mistake I made a week ago was to just say sure on the moving home. Part of me really wants to now say “I’m not really sure I want this any more.” Or, more making it about her “I’m not sure YOU are ready for me”.

What I do know is I really want a loving relationship right now – and I am not getting one. WAW has the capacity and this is where I think OM is playing a part. She has not completely let it go and I won’t have a snowflakes chance in H-ll if he is still in the picture. Furthermore, I won’t accept him being in the picture. She either wants to reconcile with me, or she does not. What I find troubling is that she told the boys that I would be moving home. How much will that suck to tell them I’m not, AGAIN. At the same time however, I really hope she would be sensitive to promises like that without true intention.

She’s trying to get a business going and that has her pretty stressed out. That is complicating things tremendously because she needs OUR capital and my business acumen to get it going. And it comes with a bunch of risk of course. How much damage to the R might result as a part of that?

Anyway, we have an MC tomorrow AM which I hope to flush true intentions out at. They need to be out there or we cannot move forward. While I just landed in piecing, I need to remain resolved (which is shaken a little bit) to work this thing through. I want to keep moving forward, not backward. Hopefully she shares the same intention….

Might sound like a lot of self loathing, but believe me it is not. I feel stronger and more self-confident than I have ever been and I am ready to rock and roll. I guess I am just being impatient. Stop IT!

UP!

Sven


Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

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Sven,
That is what I was afraid of, that your WAW took it upon herself to make the blanket statement that you were moving back home. Unfortunately I think you are right in that your W is not ready for you. You have changed so much for the better and she seems to still want her cake and then get to eat it as well. This transition is going to be extremely tough emotionally for both of you. Even more so than the sep. You both will have great difficulty finding and giving space for each other. Definitely keep the apartment for a while longer. You will overcome the OM in time, I have no fear of that. You are miles ahead of him in every department. It is not so much "defeating" him as it is winning back your WAW. The OM will defeat himself in the long run. Keep on doing what works, and perhaps at MC you should suggest that it is too early to come back. It is incredably difficult to go back to a cheating WAW. If my W and I ever reconcile it will be hard as well. Her family, especially parents, will treat me as a pariah and, I think, this is the main reason she is so reluctant to make that move. You and your WAW need to build more trust I think before you can move back. Take it slow for now and tread lightly. Leave your options open. Let her prove she is worthy of you and not the reverse.

AK

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AK,

Quote:

You will overcome the OM in time, I have no fear of that. You are miles ahead of him in every department. It is not so much "defeating" him as it is winning back your WAW




I'm really not worried about that - I have already won. And I've stolen a couple plays from his playbook at the same time. It's really just the frustration playing through and further I was at the point where I had completely let go just a couple weeks back - I was ready to file if need be (more so have her file) so it's been just nutty from that perspective.

Trust is a good point - I was talking to our mutual friend last night. WAW and I have come SOOOO far in terms of communication etc, but it seems there is still the hurdle there to jump over as well....

We'll get there...

Thanks AK.

Sven


Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

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Sven,
How is out mutual friend doing. I was thinking that we should get together next Thursday evening, May 11. If that fits into your schedule let me know. I will bring along someone else to join us. Some where up in NH would be with me. This Thurs. I will be having dinner with my friends in Waltham. Fridays are now games night again and Sat. evenings I am going to bed early to play soccer on Sunday mornings at 0900 . That leaves only Thursdays. I know you and C4H have family obligations on the weekends. Let me know. Ciao.

AK

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Onward and upward – piecing I think.

Journalling. I spent Monday and Tuesday night at the apartment. *I* needed a break from WAW’s moodiness and some time to think. We had and MC session on Wednesday.

On the MC session, it went well – we spent too little time on our R – instead focused on parenting stuff – which was also good. My S10 won an award for “character” for all of the year of 4th grade. I am so proud – I’m tearing a little bit about it right now. We then talked about the kids and stuff for a bit.

In the last 20 minutes or so, we got to the R stuff. We discussed the moving home thing and we discussed WAW’s “wall”. She took a fair amount of shots at me (of past events) – but at the same time conceded that I have changed and that she likes the “new Sven”. She is having REAL trouble opening herself up however intimately – this I thought was really good and I think MC did a good job with it. He tried to flush out if it is a real deep rooted issue in the R or if it is just her “worry” that she and the boys will become second to me. She didn’t really answer completely but I thought of a couple things. First, I mentioned that I still think there is much more good than bad in our R – especially now (communication, agreement on parenting, etc.). She came really, really close to admitting that the OM (or thoughts there of) were playing on her mind. It was end of the session so we couldn’t expand on it. Perhaps tonight – she seems to really open up after stewing all day.

The MC then mentioned a couple things. First, he mentioned how admirable it was that I have been patient and that I really do carry myself as a changed, confident man. He mentioned that WAW doing the same could ONLY be good for our R. He also said regarding the intimacy thing that when it happens to just STOP and respect it (look at again, right). He said that instead of FORCING it or IGNORING it, to just stop and look at it. And that slowly, it will open feelings and if we work it together, will allow WAW to feel safe. I’m not covering it completely right, but that was the essence. Like I said, hopefully WAW will stew on this today and we’ll see where it goes. I agreed and said I don’t want to force anything – I want it to be natural and at the same time mentioned how cool would that be – slowly fanning the flame instead of dumping gas or water on it.

Sorry for the long mail, just one more thing that I thought you might find interesting. When we left, she asked if I thought it was a good session. I agreed and asked her the same. She agreed. She then went on to say that she wanted to mention one other thing. She doesn’t like some of the confident (cocky) things I now do – specifically when she tells me that I look nice, I answer, with “I know” or “do you like it?”. She said a simple thanks will do. It is “out of character” for me. It was a buzz kill. So there you go… I thanked her for the feedback but did not apologize (that’s a 180). Just thought that was cool….

The important thing for me now is to figure out ways to keep fanning the flames, gently of the R/M. Side note, don’t’ you just love when you see or hear things R related and you wish your WAS was there to hear it? There was a Dr. on MSNBC or Fox News or a channel like that this AM that was talking about how much better the couples do that really work through the really hard times (and even get to the brink, or all the way to divorce). Statistically over and over it is proven that the R/M that comes out of that is ten fold better, stronger, and more loving than it was even in the best of times.

So, I continue to be patient, allow W her space and time, while working on me and quietly on the R. WAW and I didn’t talk R last night as I thought she might, but she did plop down on the sofa and we leaned in together to talk (shoulder on shoulder) about her business. I went to bed and she fell asleep on the couch (as I expected). I woke up around 4:00 when she rolled into bed and spooned me. Did NOT expect that….

Still rolling along…

Up.

Sven


Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

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Welcome to Piecing

*I* needed a break from WAW’s moodiness and some time to think.

It is so healthy that you can see her moodiness for what it is, and at least for now, you are able to check-out for a while. What is your strategy for when you no longer have the apartment? I wonder how she felt, presumably her moodiness was due to some 'difficulty', and then realising that she can no longer take it out on you. Ouch.

She doesn’t like some of the confident (cocky) things I now do – specifically when she tells me that I look nice, I answer, with “I know” or “do you like it?”. She said a simple thanks will do. It is “out of character” for me. It was a buzz kill.

This is strange. Usually when we compliment someone, we do it because we want to express our perspective. Neither of your responses seemed out of order, and for her to take exception suggests she may have had a different agenda, no?

It's great that she can open up to you, Sven. I've been piecing for 2 years and am constantly amazed at just how much more there is to do with me, never mind the other person

Slowly


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Slowly,

Thanks for the welcome.

Your last sentence Slowly is perhaps the only reason I am here in Piecing and not in Divorced but not Done. Hopefully never to get there! I’ve worked really hard to be there as an ear for WAW and it is a lesson I learn every day and will need to continue for the rest of my life. Only as I have been able to let WAW see that I am there for her emotionally, to just open up that we’ve been able to get here. A really long road and MANY hurdles remain.

When the apartment is gone, I’ll need to be able to process things quicker as the opportunity to make space and time will become obviously much more difficult. I think I can do this – however, my hope is that as we work together making this M/R great, that the times she has gone to the “well” will be shorter and won’t require much distance for me. That said, I also plan to keep working out, running, etc. and that has been a Godsend. I don’t think I could have made it through January to March while the EA/PA was in real swing had I not. I know when I ran it made all things clearer and easier to deal with. And I ended up looking great too!!

With regard to the cocky comment, I think more than anything, she saw it as out of character for me. I’ve always been a humble person – to a flaw. I did not take compliments well, choosing humility over confidence. I now have the confidence and the WAW is still trying to figure that out. She has had a strong influence over me – too much so in some ways and I needed to break out a bit. She on the other hand continues to have a self confidence issue that now that I understand, will be that much more attentive to her emotional vacillations. In the end, I appreciated but did not apologize for the behaviour. Instead opting to acknowledge it and modify behaviour going forward. She may find it threatening, and that is counter productive to our improving our R, so an easy fix.

On the different agenda thing, that’s an excellent question and I am slowly trying to work that one out. I know she still has some lingering feelings for the OM (has told our mutual friend) but she likes what she sees in the new Sven. I don’t push R discussions (outside of the MC) so as to let us just move through space. I want to ask however if she has been in contact with him and have come close to doing so. So I’m forced a bit to walk the fine line with letting her feel safe around me without my sacrificing all boundaries. In the end, it remains on her to allow herself to “feel” for me. Well, more specifically, she needs to let her feel intimately for me since I know she feels for me in general (or I wouldn’t be moving home).

We’ve turned the intimacy thing into a joke where when she as one of those passion “flutters” as she like to call them, she says, “Oh, I had one of those flutters”. She then pauses and says (mind you jokingly), “don’t worry, it will pass”. I usually retort with “Of course it will” (also with a joking grin on my face). It’s usually followed by a kiss (and sometimes I’ll give her a light face tap too). All in good fun. For NOW.

Anyway, life is good. I have my goals, my kids, and a WAW that will, with time become an AWAW. Time, patience, strength, and honor.

Sven


Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

Trying to Piece
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