Unilateral Disarmement - 3

[Wendylon]

I got locked out of my last thread. I'm following Jennifer's advice and have moved to Piecing. I thought things had to be going very well to be in Piecing but, on reflection, I probably do fit in here.

Thank you, Betsey and Jennifer, for your posts on my last thread. I look forward to staying in touch with you from my new abode.

Here is my last thread: Unilateral Disarmement - 2

Not much change in my sitch other than the fact that I'm becoming increasingly impatient and hurt by the continued lack of affection in our R.

I was feeling a bit down this morning and brought up the issue with H of our R being so cold. I said that I knew we both contribute to it but that it makes me sad. H said that, for whatever reason, he's fighting tooth and nail not to go that last little bit towards recommitting to our life, that being affectionate with me would be the final nail in the coffin with regard to the fantasy he'd built up over the last couple of years (i.e. OW). He did admit that the fantasy was infantile because he thought everyone could be happy and that that would patently not have been the case if he'd left.

H did initiate a hug during our convo (the first in over a month) and I'm pleased that we did talk a bit more intimately than usual. We don't have our MC session this week because it's half-term so it's as if we've sort of had an R talk anyway.

I find myself feeling critical when H is talking about his process as the whole thing sounds very self-centred and dramatic. I also feel annoyed that it's all about him.

[Wendylon]

One more thing: I find the unilateral disarmement a continuing challenge. Last night I felt sad as I went up to bed and didn't say anything to H as I passed his study (and he didn't either). I'd been puttering in the kitchen and we both knew that I was going to bed. I think I don't inititate any of those rituals out of pride and self-protection. I'd hate him to answer in a lukewarm and rejecting way. I don't want to give him the opportunity to be hurtful. Meanwhile, it suits H to be in a sitch where he hasn't nailed the last nail in the coffin (to use his expression).

I'm off on Thursday to a residential women's group that meets one a year. I plan to give my notice and make it the last one. I've been going to it for about 14 years and I'm sad to leave but I really don't buy into the whole dependence on the group thing. I'm pretty much sure that I won't be leaving on good terms as it goes against this goup's culture to leave the group. I'm expecting to be given a hard time. I also feel a bit vulnerable as I can't really say to them that my life is back on track and hunky-dory. They'll try to tell me that I'm making a huge mistake by cutting myself off from the support of the group.

I asked H this morning whether he still felt that I wasn't doing any 'work on myself' after he said that he was 'working' incredibly hard. (He'd accused me of not doing that about a year ago. He said that he didn't think that anymore.) I asked him what he could see. To my amazement, he takes my decision to leave the women's group as a sign that I'm doing work on myself. I guess it is in a way but I thought he was going to mention my letting go of controlling and nagging him. I don't even like the whole 'working on oneself' idea. It sounds weird.

I look forward to some nuggets of wisdom from people on this BB as alwayss. I'm curious to see if people track me down here and whether I get to know new people. I look forward to reading more about others in Piecing.

Wendy

[Heart2Heart]

Hi Wendy,
Well, I found you over here so I'm sure the gang will come along soon! Nice new home here in Piecing!

Last night I felt sad as I went up to bed and didn't say anything to H as I passed his study (and he didn't either). I'd been puttering in the kitchen and we both knew that I was going to bed. I think I don't inititate any of those rituals out of pride and self-protection. I'd hate him to answer in a lukewarm and rejecting way. I don't want to give him the opportunity to be hurtful. Meanwhile, it suits H to be in a sitch where he hasn't nailed the last nail in the coffin (to use his expression).

Well, I certainly can understand how you feel - the desire to self-protect . . . but I'm going to ask you a question?

What's 'better' for you? Going to bed without either saying a word or being the loving person you are and saying good night, with or without any response from H.? What if you reframed your intention of your daily interactions and looked only at YOUR part?

The way you set it up - by not saying a word - you got the result that you expected, which is nothing. And clearly, that doesn't seem to make you very happy. What if you lived your part by your rules? Saying goodnight is important to you (me too by the way), so you keep your intention to be the person you are and say goodnight. AND let go of any expectations.

They say we teach our partners how to treat us. You might not get a response the first couple of times, but you could still 'enjoy' the fact that YOU lived up to your own expectations about yourself. My bet is that your H. will eventually respond to you.

Saying goodnight is a far cry from affection, which I also see you're upset about. I think intimacy is often the last part that gets 'fixed' . . . it is a slow process, but at least you are talking with H., though I agree that wasn't a great 'reason' he gave you. Patience, Wendy . . . Start with smaller bits, just like saying good night to build on more intimate gestures and habits.

Maybe it's time to go back to setting small goals? Apart from saying good night, what other small gestures/words/actions can you try to see if H. slowly responds?

I'm glad to see you over here in Piecing! Slow and steady, girl!

Hugs,
-H2H

[Underdog]

Hi Wendy! Welcome to your new neighborhood!

I love where H2H is going with her Q&A, so I'll leave you be.

Could it be possible that your H has mistaken your apprehension to mean that you are not interested in him sexually? What would happen if you were to really demonstrate that you want him?

How did things progress with your son? Inquiring minds want to know...

Betsey

[Wendylon]

Thanks, H2H and Betsey!

Must sign off quickly as H is coming up to bed even though it's early! I will say good-night even though it will feel so fake and self-conscious given this morning's convo. Thank you for that advice, H2H. It makes so much sense.

Betsey, our tribunal date is set for December 6. Thanks for asking.

Must go.
W.

[Heart2Heart]

Hi Wendy,
I'm glad you're willing to give it a try - but tell me, why would it feel "fake"? Self-conscious I understand, but fake?

Don't put so much pressure on yourself - don't make it a big thing. Just a little experiment and a lot of living by your values. Ok?

I also seem to recall from way back when that your H. responded to WOA, but you were having trouble coming up with them. How's that going? Think you can find a couple of things to compliment him on?

Hang in there - and keep updating!
Hugs,
-H2H

[midip]

Dear Wendy
I'm so pleased to find you here as piecing you are. And what good advice from H2H here for me too.

It was wonderful meeting you - a real high spot of my holiday from home and I love having the real images of you and your home all bathed in that sunshine. I think concentrating on the good bits and underplaying the bad is a good idea or we allow the bad to spoil the good. I'm probably talking to myself more than to you here.

You really have come a long long way, through you perseverence and strength (not to mention intelligence and beauty) and I'm really proud to know you. Be bold give him a hug and a kiss and if he hugs you back tell him how nice it is. The fear of rejection will create rejection and if he runs out of the house screaming because his wife has kissed him goodnight that's his problem but he's probably more likely to feel loved.
lots of love

[Wendylon]

Thank you, H2H, for your post. You're right: initiating a good night wouldn't be fake as in false. I think I was thinking of fake in the sense of contrived and not spontaneous. It helps to think it through though and realize that it isn't insincere, that it does fit in with my values and that I want to do that kind of thing. Yes, I still find WOA difficult. H sort of gave me some ideas on a platter yesterday when he said that he was working really hard. I think that's the kind of thing he'd like to hear at the moment. I have the same resistance that I have with the good-night scenario. I cringe at the thought of being so deliberate and unspontaneous about it. I guess that is a small price to pay in the overall context.

At any rate, H beat me to it last night and said "good night" with a knowing smile. I responded and then initiated a short hand squeeze. This morning I thought he was a little friendlier as he went off to work, leaving me to juggle an impossible schedule of activities for the kids. They are now all deposited (some late) and I'll have the same impossible pick-up at 3pm.

I'm feeling mixed about my women's retreat tomorrow. I both want to enjoy it because I'll be there for 4 days but not so much that I have misgivings about it being my last one. Also, I don't want to be coerced into not leaving. And then H would think that I haven't been working on myself after all...

[Heart2Heart]

Hi Wendy,
Thanks for your visit to my thread over to the land of Hopefulness. I promise to update soon - particularly bec. I've got Betsey & others giving me the nudge! No news yet on Jennifer - but I didn't hear from her yesterday so who knows . . .

The fear of rejection will create rejection and if he runs out of the house screaming because his wife has kissed him goodnight that's his problem but he's probably more likely to feel loved.

Thanks Midip for saying it so succinctly. It bears repeating in our heads over & over: The Fear of Rejection will create Rejection. I think it's corollary is: What you focus on, expands. . . So focusing on rejection - anticipating it - is likely to net you more of the same.

H sort of gave me some ideas on a platter yesterday when he said that he was working really hard. I think that's the kind of thing he'd like to hear at the moment.

Absolutely! That is a perfect time to say something like, "yes, I see that you are and I appreciate that H."

I think, and you let me know if I'm off base, that it isn't so much the 'contrived' feeling of giving him WOA, but more that you feel he's not meeting your expectations. So while you may see that he IS working hard, it isn't in the way you would do it, or it isn't enough for you. I get the feeling you'd like to say "yes, BUT...." And that's where the gift of editing, or duct tape if you like, comes in handy.

Wendy, how do you encourage your kids? If one of them attempts a new skill, and does an okay but not perfect attempt - do you say nothing until they get it 'right'? do you say, "that was a really good attempt, I'm proud of you"? Or do you say "I see you're trying BUT that's not quite right"? Which response do you think would be most nourishing?

I think your H. needs your encouragement - he needs to know that you're there for him, even when he's not doing things perfectly to your liking. He needs to know that you recognize & value his efforts. And He needs to feel 'safe', particularly if any sort of intimacy is to be had.

In my own situation, it took me a LONG time to really see this dynamic work. I did not understand how much SO needed WOA - and just how easy it really is to give them. And there is an incredible gift you get when you start focusing on giving WOA - and that is, that you really begin to appreciate all the little things that went unnoticed before; you get to really live in the moment & SEE what you are experiencing in the RIGHT NOW; and you get a heaping dose of gratitude in your own life which feels wonderful.

To do this, I had to let go of my bigger EXPECTATIONS. And by that I mean, instead of looking at him and wishing he would just come home, or hold me, or whatever I wanted from him, I would let go of that and just enjoy the interaction we were having. I would listen to what he was saying without running another dialogue in my head trying to "win" my desired outcome. And as I became more present, and more appreciative of the things he was doing, I got 'more' - more time together, more interesting discussions, more trust and more feelings from him. I promise you it does work. Making a 'safe' environment will help H. step forward and meet you in the middle.

I cringe at the thought of being so deliberate and unspontaneous about it. I guess that is a small price to pay in the overall context.

This issue of "spontaneity" has come up a lot your thread. Let me ask you this - when you plan a party for one of your kids, or your friends, does it diminish the value of your love that you are expressing? Does your careful thought to the details of the menu, the invites, the date/time/location make the party less "real" because you didn't just round up a couple of folks on the spur of the moment? In my mind, the 'planning' to be more forthcoming with appreciation, and with small gestures of affection like saying 'good night' or 'nice shirt', is akin to planning a party for a loved one. And it may feel contrived to you right now but with practice it does become natural & spontaneous.

It seems to me that you equate spontaneity with genuineness. And while I think there are many wonderful things about spontaneity, I don't think the careful thought on providing a safe & warm environment for love to flourish is not "real," nor of less value. It is REAL, as real as any spontaneous gesture. And I'm willing to bet that after a brief period awkward 'planned' gestures toward H., that you'll start seeing more & more 'spontaneous' gestures too.

Well, time for me to get to ready for work!
Hugs,
-H2H

[Wendylon]

How lovely to hear from you, Midip! Your post somehow snuck in before mine because it wasn't there when I wrote earlier and now it's ahead of mine. Anyway, as always your comments made me laugh and see things differently. I love your image of H running out of the house screaming because I've kissed him goodnight. You have such a knack for using humour in a way that is very illuminating and thought-provoking. Thank you very much.

I'm dying to know more about how you're doing. I must say that I feel really proud to know you too and really admire how you've handled yourself. You are a great model.

Thank you so much, H2H, for taking the time to work through my issues with spontaneity and WOA. Whenever you put things in terms of the kids, I can see really clearly that there is nothing wrong with careful planning and editing. On the contrary, those processes are desirable. Yes, I want to make that leap of generosity in my R with H. I know I'm a bit tight around him and it's easy to focus on what he's not giving me.

A few minutes ago, H was in our bedroom (I'm in bed with my laptop). We were talking about S6 and he then mentioned a suggestion that he'd made today when he was working with the family of a child with autism . I was impressed with his idea and said, "That sounds like a great idea; I don't think I would have thought of that." He smiled nicely as he went to finish writing up his report. So no good-night but a pretty good exchange.

Thank you again for the insights. This BB is such a fantastic resource and support. Every now and again, I'm really struck by the impact that something like this BB can have on people's lives. I feel very lucky to be one of the people who benefits from it.

Wendy