It was just before Christmas that my last thread, Are the Pieces Really Coming Together?, locked up without myself getting any closer to an answer to the title, although I was getting hopeful. However, the cycle again repeated itself starting with the second day of the new year and I’m finding it harder to remain positive. I could see it with my titles to each thread I started with each getting more negative than the last:
So with my balance wavering with more and more self doubts as to whether I have made the correct choices over my nearly two years of Dbing, I decided to start this thread untitled in hopes to start fresh and regain some positive prospective that I can believe in.
[WARNING: This is gonna be long]
Since my last thread, there’s been quite a few new “face” that have moved into “Piecing” and so any of them that are interested but to spare them from sludging thru the “history”, let me just say ... bomb about wanting a S and about EA came 2½ years ago with bigger bomb of wanting a D & PA coming 3 months later. 3 months later, I discovered DR & this bb as started Dbing although I had already started backing off and 180’s a couple months before (just didn’t know all the jargon). In June, 2002, she told me A was over and she wanted to work at M again. All was great until the following winter at the beginning of 2003, where CAW fell into a deep depression. I discovered she had recontacted OM in March. Steadily thru Aug., she continued to push further away to the point I discovered a “Dear KAW” letter. Despite all that, I learn to dance in the minefield while waiting for her to make her choice.
In Sept., it all suddenly turned around again only in Oct. for the winds to shift yet again. This is when D19, warned me to expect on day for CAW to leave for OM. I stayed my course and keep Dbing with the style I developed over the past year. Just before Thanksgiving, CAW again suddenly moves closer. It becomes like the year before, when she stated she wanted to work on M and lasts right up to the New Year.
UPDATE: I was beginning to hope that maybe contact with OM was ended just before Thanksgiving as his phone number was no longer showing up on her cell phone bill. If you remember from my last thread, I had mentioned how she had hidden a pocketwatch she bought and had OM’s initials engraved on it in October. Up to the second day of the new year, it continue to sit there. I had hoped it meant that she had changed her mind about giving it to him and hoped it meant she was letting it die. When the watch disappeared, it was on the day where she cleaned out her dresser where she kept it hidden. I thought she tossed it and later she went by herself to get her hair done. Again, from her cell phone bill, I found out she had call him while she was out and he had called her back. It appears they got together and she gave him her gift. The next day, I noticed once again she had taken off her wedding rings and put them away in a jewelry box. After that, the calls to him increase in frequency into February and she again continued to get more distant with me and more depressed again. Again the same cycle was repeating itself. How I have come to dread this ... not another year like the last two!
With CAW being distant, I didn’t know what to do for Valentine’s Day, so I decided to play it low-key. I picked up a flower arrangement and a simply-stated card night before and arranged them on the diningroom table show she would see them when she got up and came to breakfast D10 & I made for her. She totally ignored acknowledging the flowers and the card. She never done that before and would at least say “Thank you” ... boy, did that hurt like I haven’t felt in nearly two years! A few hours later, I noticed she opened the card and stuck it back in the envelope and left it on the table and never said a word.
The first weekend in March, CAW received a package from stepD24 (CAW’s daughter from her first marriage). Inside where Valentine’s gifts for both CAW and D10 along with a letter. A couple of days later, I found the letter on the floor and picked it up and read it. In it stepD24 wrote, how she’s sorry how CAW feels life sucks and wishes she could be where she wants to be. (Yes, I can’t help but to interpret it as meaining wanting to be with OM.). The next part was more disturbing, where she wrote that a year is not all that long to wait and then she will be able to move back here and they will be able to go off on their own as they have talked about.
To validate even further where her mindset has been, this week I came across an entry in D10’s journal ...
“February 3, 2004 Worst day ever. My mom is going to leave my dad for a stupid spanish guy”
... and all the hurt came back. Not just mine, but I now heard my D10’s pain in those words too. Damn tears ... I gotta take a break ...
Something has got to give and I don't think it has to continue to be you.
You've been more than patient and understanding with CAW. You've been a support to her when she's gotten into her (I believe self induced) depressions. You've allowed yourself to be used and abused and walked all over for the past 2+ years in hopes of what? In hopes that this turn around will last or that om and the distancing wont rear their ugly heads again.
KAW, I know you've tried distancing in the past and that seemed to work a bit to draw CAW back in your direction but no for keeps (a the age old was that has to know the changes are for real) What would happen if you decided to put your foot down and tell CAW enough of the bs fun and games either get real about this marriage or get out NOW! I know it is not what you want and certainly not what dd10 wants but this pain has to end...you need to stand your ground and stop waiting for it to fall out from under you.
I know others may find my post to be harsh but KAW I've been posting to you for how long now? enough is enough man!
of course your other option is to continue the act as if and gamble that EVENTUALLY caw will wake up from her dilussions, but how long might that take? Now it also sounds like you not only face her leaving for creapy looser om you also face the possibility of her running of with dd24
OK, I’m back ... Sorry about that folks ... been a long time, since I’ve felt so off balance. I think its even affected my posts this week with is why I hadn’t been around much and when I did, I felt what I was trying to was coming out all muddled, but I’m rambling ....
Been a while since I have seen anyone post song lyrics around here, but here’s a song I listen to ALOT over the past couple of years, as it helps ground me....
Here we stand Worlds apart, hearts broken in two, two, two Sleepless night Loosing ground I'm reaching for you, you, you
Feelin' that it's gone Can change your mind If we can't go on To survive the tide, love divides
Chorus: Someday love will find you Break those chains that bind you One night will remind you How we touched and went our seperate ways If he ever hurts you True love won't desert you You know I still love you Thought we touched and went our seperate ways
Troubled times Caught between confusion and pain, pain, pain Distant eyes Promises we made were in vain, in vain, in vain
If you must go I wish you love You'll never walk alone Take care my love, miss you love
Chorus >> Solo << Chorus
I still love you girl I really love you girl And if he ever hurts you True love won't desert you No, no
REALLY ... feel much better now ... and before it seems that this story or myself has all tanked, let get to the positives ...
What really keeps me going as the song implies, is I believe that OM does not want the A to develop into a deeper R as she hopes it would lead. Boy that didn’t quite come out sounding good, bet in essence it seems to be true. She wants to believe her true happiness is being with OM. Since they don’t to get to spend much time with each other, it hasn’t really been able to develop past the infatuation. However, in the past two years, she has received hints that he may not turn out to be all she is making of him. There have been times where he has tarnished his armor, while I have been there for her whenever she has needed it. So it seems as times I have been able to reverse the tables. At the same time tho, I think OM is keeping his options open so to speak (really do want to look to closely at that statement as he has a reputation as a womanizer), and leads her on enough to keep her wanting more, but really doesn’t want any serious ties. (OK, my head is getting muddled again, time to move on.)
It is my hope that on day, that she will realize what she is trying to cling on to is a fantasy, and that all along what she is looking elsewhere for is looking for is right here in Kansas (Wizard of OZ reference). I still believe that CAW is still vacillating between her fantasies and accepting she can find her happiness in her present reality and can’t seem to make a commitment to either direction. So basically, I can only sit and wait, while keep being the best me I can.
..but these cycles are wearing me down ... even now that we are back into an UP cycle.
Since the beginning of March, it has been getting better and better. An unforeseen benefit, has been my new work schedule. While working some weekends (like now), I now have days off in the middle of the week. Its given me some new opportunities for some 180’s:
- I’ve been practicing a “Flyguy” version so the house is cleaner when she comes home from work. - Been able to cook dinner for a change for the family. - Been able to hit some more of the “fix-it” list around the house. - Starting new projects, I just haven’t had time in the past to do, like a new shed.
So my list of positives of late: - She’s back to being affectionate. - Now she seems to perk up now when I greet her at the door and seems to enjoy our afternoons together. - Where she would make comments about how she couldn’t wait to be back to work, now she’s saying she doesn’t want to go to work! This is a new one for her. - She has been doing more AOS for me without me asking. This has been another big one over the last couple of years. - SHE WORE HER WEDDING BAND THIS PAST WEEKEND FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS YEAR!!
Yes, these are great positive, but I’ve seen most of them before too ... and I can’t silence the words that keep resonating in my head from stepD24’s letter “...that a year is not all that long to wait and then she will be able to move back here and they will be able to go off on their own as they have talked about.” ... I don’t want to be going thru this again next year ...
... and yet, for the past two years, Feb thru May she draws closer to OM and thoughts of wanting to leave M ... and to start 2004, much the same .... but here at the end of Mar., 2004 she is she breaking the cycle? ... for real? ... for good? I so much want to believe, but just know I can’t and do I have to wait another year to find out?
My head is pounding... and shoot, I did it again. I took what should have been a positive post and turned it all around again! I really need to work on this!!!
OK ... enough of my self indulgence at the expense of the wonderful folks on this bb... I promise to spend the rest of weekend catching up on some of you fine folk (between doing some work here at my job). Wish I had the time to visit you all ...
Quote: I believe that OM does not want the A to develop into a deeper R as she hopes it would lead. Boy that didn’t quite come out sounding good, bet in essence it seems to be true. I would imagine it to be the truth as well, after all who would wait that long? uhm well that didn't come out right then did it. She wants to believe her true happiness is being with OM. Since they don’t to get to spend much time with each other, it hasn’t really been able to develop past the infatuation. will it ever? My h's a had been going on for a year before I discovered it and continued for several months thereafter and had I not put my foot down about it and some what forced them into a psuedo reality I don't believe I would still be married today or at least I doubt that ow would be gone. However, in the past two years, she has received hints that he may not turn out to be all she is making of him. hints aren't always enough...gee, I'd tend to think the biggest hint would be his willingness to continue an extramarital affair with her for so long. There have been times where he has tarnished his armor, while I have been there for her whenever she has needed it. in the end though does that still make you the knight? or simply the court jester? So it seems as times I have been able to reverse the tables. yes it would appear that way At the same time tho, I think OM is keeping his options open so to speak (really do want to look to closely at that statement as he has a reputation as a womanizer), and leads her on enough to keep her wanting more, but really doesn’t want any serious ties. seems to me she is doing the very same to both of you. (OK, my head is getting muddled again, time to move on.) understandable.
Quote: It is my hope that on day, that she will realize what she is trying to cling on to is a fantasy, and that all along what she is looking elsewhere for is looking for is right here in Kansas (Wizard of OZ reference). That is my hope for you too. But I just don't see it happening while she doesn't HAVE to make a choice it could take several more years for her to wake up from this fantasy. I still believe that CAW is still vacillating between her fantasies and accepting she can find her happiness in her present reality and can’t seem to make a commitment to either direction. So basically, I can only sit and wait, while keep being the best me I can. that's but one option but how much more of her vaccilating can't you bear?
So there are some positives floating around both generated from you and directed toward you from CAW don't discount them even though it seems I am.
I do have to ask though KAW, why do you keep snooping? I can only assume that w didn't hand you these letters and cell phone bills and if she did leave them out in the open for you to find well then perhaps she's screaming out for you to put your foot down and stand up for what you believe in vocally. Your actions cleary show her that your love and commitment to her are real but perhaps your turning your cheek to her blatant disrespect of you is sending another message.
sorry to sound so negative about things, it is not that I see things as negative I'd just love for your suffering to end (ya ya I know well intentioned friends) and feel that a possible lrt may stop the constant flowing of the damn tides.
oh and I like song lyrics too...for one reason or another this is one of my favorite sappy songs..infact I often sing it at kareokee
Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed. Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed. Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need. I say love, it is a flower, and you its only seed.
It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give, and the soul afraid of dyin' that never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely and the road has been to long, and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong, just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose.
Wow ... responses already! LL, you have been a good friend over the years, I should have expected you to be the first to respond.
... and before I could finish, you have already beatin me to the punch ...
After reading over time more and more sitches where S comes back 100% after a seperation has me doubting a lot lately, if I have taken the wrong direction by looking the other way while giving her time to figure it out on her own. I'm constantly churning if I could take Matilda's approach. After hearing about hoping's H coming back, I began wondering if I just cause this to take even longer by not encouraging her to leave. I'm even getting embarrassed to say this has been going on for over two years now.
Quote: ...but how long might that take?
I wish I knew some answers to any of this!
I've been accredited by many here over time to have impart wisdom from my post to others. Sadly, I don't feel all that wise, when I can't seem to figure out the really important answers.
DDB posted:
Quote: Question? What do you think has kept W from proceeding with D?
Fear. Fear of not knowing where her happiness truly lies. She believes that this M can be a good one, but feels she would be settling and missing out on her on something better. She seems to realize there is quite a bit of risk to go after her fantasy, but doesn't want to let it go because she believes its her once in a lifetime chance at "true" love / happiness.
My DBing only seems to go so far when compared to that.
this is what I have to say, you're going to have to make what sense of it you can...
say you've been given a temporary postition at a good company, you like your job, the boss seems to like you most of the time, you do a good job and there is often promise of you being given a full time postition with the company.
Just when you think you will be given permenant status your boss interviews another cantidate, however she doesn't hire that person or relieve you of your position. You continue on with your temporary status occassionally being offered the benifits of a full time employee yet your boss continues to interview this other cantidate never giving them the job.
How long are you going to work for this company? How long are you going to enjoy the work you do? how long are you going to stay commited to this company with the constant promise of a perminant position that year after year doesn't seem to come? When will your boss appreciate that they cannot keep expecting you to work under the pressure of constant threat of loosing your job to this other cantidate they keep interviewing but never hiring to replace you? When will you finally give your two week notice? Will you not give your two week notice but keep working, eventually becoming drained and tired and less productive as a result of your underappreciated status with the company.
Quote: I do have to ask though KAW, why do you keep snooping? I can only assume that w didn't hand you these letters and cell phone bills and if she did leave them out in the open for you to find well then perhaps she's screaming out for you to put your foot down and stand up for what you believe in vocally. Your actions cleary show her that your love and commitment to her are real but perhaps your turning your cheek to her blatant disrespect of you is sending another message.
Oh boy don't you know how to open a can of worms?! Just kidding, I've always liked your approach and your points are well taken.
This could be a long one too!...
Ultimately, CAW is a huge confrontation avoider. To be honest, I can't imagine just how many times she has wanted to tell me she wants out, but can't bring herself to take the first step, so she would lead off with a one liner (ie, "my life sucks") in hopes I would take the bait and start prying and give her an opening to let it slip out. This is how the bombs were delivered and I've gotten pretty good at recognizing it. So in DBing fashion, I would no longer take the bait. If she was going to confront me about wanting to leave, she was going to have to do it without my help. I had eluded to this several times around this time last year, when Jethro felt I should get into some direct talks with her. I still have no doubt that if I approach her directly, she would had crested the hurdle and moved on. That is not what I wanted and this is one of those choices I am struggling with now.
... but I still didn't know for sure if it was just depression or OM was back that lead her to act this way. Snooping confirmed it. This is also when she started to journal blatantly in my presence and yes I snooped to understand where her mind is (and why I can seem to state with such seemingly certainty what her what her drama is) ... and then I continued to snoop to monitor the frequency of contact and that is when I started noticing how A seemed to be very onesided along with her journal entries. Then I made the presumption that once CAW concluded that OM was not interested in taking their R in the direction she was hoping to, that she will see the futility in it and "come to her senses" and if that were to happen, then I felt there was still a good chance she recommit to the M. So I continued to snoop looking for any evidence that OM is recipricating CAW's feelings for him, for if I found proof of that than I would know CAW would leave. To my shame this is how I came across D10 journal entry, but I still have not found a shred of evidence that OM is serious about spending a future together with CAW ... and yes, I been hoping by now that CAW would lose interest.
... and maybe she is, which is why the current change in her behavior ... then again maybe not. I guess I need to stick it out a little while longer to be sure...
Maybe I am just a sap (btw, like the lyrics you posted), that is blinded by his own faith that he can still obtain what he wants...
Chorus: Someday love will find you Break those chains that bind you How we touched and went our seperate ways If he ever hurts you True love won't desert you You know I still love you
, I should have expected you to be the first to respond. 
Just kidding, I've always liked your approach and your points are well taken.