Time for a new thread I guess. I picked this title because Charles asked me that question when I first moved to this forum and I've been asking myself that same question ever since W moved back home in November. I'm not sure of the answer yet though.
Either way, I keep thinking something is going to happen soon. Not sure what that "something" is, or even if it will be a good or bad thing, but I think we are approaching a crossroads.
Here's a link to my last thread. From there you can get to the rest of the sordid story.
-Married 24years (24 years? SIGH...) -3 Kids, S22,D21,S18. -Separated Aug99 because of job. We wanted kids to stay put to go thru H.S.
-Nov 01 Six months before I'm due to come back W says she doesn't want me to come back. Doesn't want to stay married. She literally can't talk to me w/o screaming. (I'm such an idiot, I thought things were going pretty darn well right up to this point.)
-Dec 01 Called in some favors and tell her I can move back in Spring 02 instead of Summer. She says she definitely wants a divorce.
-Apr 02 Get back home, she goes to stay w/friends. I ask her to not get D until we've had a chance to work it out now that I'm back.
-May 02 read DR then DB, start applying principles. W still not talking to me. I find out about her affair. Evidently started sometime summer or fall of 01.
-Jun 02 I ask if she wants it to work. I'll try if she stops affair. I think this is when we had our first civil conversation since Nov 01.
-Aug 02 Finally give up and tell her I'll give her D. Now she says she doesn't want one. Says A is over and she just needs more time. Still staying w/ a friend.
-Oct 02 W comes home says she wants to try. The next day says she can't do it and she's found an apt. Leaves again mid-Oct. Total stay approx 10 days.
Jan 03: Says she needs more time. Leave her alone.
Mar-Apr O3: Starts poking her head out of the fog. Showing some interest. She makes plans to return to Ohio with me and the kids for my sister's wedding in June.
May 03: I see her with her old "friend" she swears it was nothing. I say I'm done and will start the D. She says she plans to move back home after the trip to Ohio if everything goes well between us.
Jun 03: Trip goes well. W says "Well I didn't mean I'd move home right away!" Suggests MC.
Jul 03: Frequent contact. Actually have a date. Seem to have a good time together although most contact centers around the kids and their activities. Third MC appointment, I'm upset with W distancing herself a little so she says "I don't care if we are married or not." I walk out. She claims not to have remembered saying that. Begs me to "hang in there."
Aug 03: I'm still a sucker. Waiting around. She keeps saying she's "almost ready" to reconcile. Says we'll try MC again...but she hasn't lifted a finger to progress toward those goals...
Oct 03: I get tabbed for a 2-3 month long trip for my job, W says "OK, I'll come home while you are gone and we'll talk about things when you get back." Didn't ask me just decided on her own. (Not that it would have made any difference...LOL)
Nov 03: W moves in the day before I leave. Actually doesn't get everything out of her apartment until the day after I'm gone.
Nov 03 thru Jan 04: W is at home, some minor incidents w/the kids. She gets frustrated and frequently takes it out on me over the phone when I call. They did all get together for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year.
Jan 04: I return. She's still here, but doesn't want to talk about anything yet. She spends some time with me, but usually when it involves the kids.
Feb 04: W announces that she made a new appt w/therapist. She wants to get past all this resentment she's been carrying around. Things seem to be stabilizing a little bit, but still not a lot of progress. We'll see.
So things continue to plod along. She just started some new medication, Lexipro yesterday and seems really hopeful that it will make a difference.
Still don't know where we are going. This has gone on a long time but I'm still here.
An excellent recap of the events between you. Reading it has really helped me to put the timing of these things into perspective and not to expect anything monumental to shift immediately. Very helpful.
I'm actually kind of hopeful that this medication will make a difference. She seems eager to try something new and this stuff is supposed to kick in with 1-2 weeks and have less side-effects than the others that she's tried.
Of course there's no guarantee the medication will change her opinion of me, but at least it might help her shake the anxiety and general lack of enthusiasm she's experienced over the past couple of years. We'll see.
We got an offer on the house today. It's low but I expected that. W and I talked about it a little, I think she'd rather turn it down than counter-offer. I almost want to take it now to get this over with. It's not like I'll lose money on the house...and it means we could get the heck out of here sooner. We are going to talk it over tonight. It is early in the process.
Got a call saying that they want me to report to my new job as early as May instead of July. I told them No, but then got told I may not have a choice. That sucks. W is still not totally accepting that the kids will be so far away. I do not want to tell her that it may happen even sooner.
There is no way to make this look good to her. I will ignore the problem until I have no other option. Maybe it will go away.
No kidding S-hopeful....gotta keep being reminded this takes a LONGGGGGGGGGGGG time!
jstx,
Thanks for the quick responce to my post. Your advice was sound.....and you are right, I don't want to be a doormat!
Sound as tho your W is making a lot of headway....and I am so impressed with your PATIENCE. You seem to know this DBing stuff backwards and forwards. I will catch up more on your sitch, cuz I think I have a lot to learn from you!
Hope the new med works for wife, just to take the edge off. Wish my H would consider that....he's certain he doesn't have a depression/anxiety issue. Oh well.
Quote: he's certain he doesn't have a depression/anxiety issue.
Yeah, I know about that one. When this all first started, it was obvious to me that something was wrong, but no one would listen...least of all W. It took me several months to get her to at least go to the doctor and get a physical. It was ugly.
Of course, I'm not the most tactful guy either..."UH, Gee Hon, you know you are almost 40...do you think maybe this could be menopause or something?"
Seriously,, I'm hoping that things do get better. It is encouraging to see that she is willing to try something new. It shows that she hasn't given up all hope and is willing to make some effort and sacrifices. Hang in there, even if it means you have to make a few more of those too.
Quote: ..."UH, Gee Hon, you know you are almost 40...do you think maybe this could be menopause or something?"
You said that??? You are lucky to be alive!
Seriously, I think with all that is coming up in your lives, this is going to be a time when you really need to validate. We women sometimes like to talk things to death, it doesn't mean we won't do it or even don't want to do it, just want to analyze every angle of it. So let her talk, see what happens when you just validate. I know you said you have been doing it, but really concentrate on what she has to say, would be my best suggestion for the next few weeks. Moving away from kids has to be hard.
Hope everyone had a great evening. W and I bought a new couch and went to dinner last night. I had a pretty good time and we had a long talk. Nothing big, a little about YS and his little episode the other night but she did discuss how she feels like she doesn't really care about anything much anymore and remembers when she did. Thinks that is important and maybe it will give her the strength to stay with the medication and counseling this time.
I generally considered it a success. The couch was expensive though. I have to go back to Austin and pick it up on Saturday, but that's OK.
We came home about 10pm and YS is outside, sitting in his car talking on his cell phone. It's totally dark outside and he's in his pajama pants, a white t-shirt, a robe and slippers. Looked like Hawkeye from MASH. Said he gets better reception out there. Of course he was talking to some girl and didn't do the dishes.....Said he was too busy chillin', which means sleeping on the couch.
Charles: What can I say, you and Z have all those words of wisdom and catchy phrases....
Jackie: Yeah, I said that...there have been a few other gems I've thrown out over the years and she seems to be able to reguritate everyone of them word for word...And does quite frequently. The woman's memory for repeating conversations is amazing.
Pam: You talk things to death??? Reading your thread I would have never guessed that. Hope everything is OK with you this morning.
W just emailed me about our meeting with the realtor this evening. Said she was excited about the couch...Hmmmm she doesn't get excited about much so maybe that's good too.
Oh well.
I have to go back to Austin and pick it up on Saturday, but that's OK.