Is this piecing?? Questions need answering!

[euanjames]

Bit of background first...My wife and I are separated - she is seeing OM which started off EA then PA. Over the past month she has admitted to me that 'he is not the answer' - that I am the 'only one in her heart' and when her mother asked what was happening between us - she told me she replied that 'she is still seeing the OM' but knows it's 'going to end' and that WE are working on things and 'no longer taking each other for granted'.

Sooooo....I have not pressured her into coming back even though I've received these positive signs...and I want to scream WELL WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR THEN!!I am trying to act 'As As If'to a T although it hurts me like crazy. She was first attracted to me in the first place because I could make her laugh - so I always try to now leave her laughing...and at the end of these two last meetings she was much more feely touchy and gave me a longer than usual kiss on the lips. Should I consider this piecing?

Also - should I initiate more contact with her or leave the ball in her court in case she considers this 'pressuring' her as well as aking about the OM? And...sorry for all the questions....what is the danger of this becoming 'just' a friendship if I keep acting 'As As If'. Should I be acting more elusive and let her think I'm going out with other people or am I just losing patience?

Both times when our counsellor has suggested that her relationship was stronger with the OM and not me - she broke down in tears afterwards telling me OM meant nothing to her and she could never replace me (Alien speak?). Then when our counsellor suggested we split up our money - I gave her a cheque and she broke down - wanting me just to put some money into our joint account - she didn't even want to open her own!!In fact should I be taking a harder line approach insted of being 'Act As If' nice guy - seeing forcing things to a head with OM and our relationship makes her back down???

Sorry for rambling. All opinions welcome. Cheers Evan

[Zoo]

Welcome to Piecing Evan

My standard answer regarding piecing...you do NOT have to be reconciled to be here. I think most of us are under that impression when we first come to the BB and some end up spending more time then they need to in Newcomers, not fully developing good DB skills. I personally have learned more here in Piecing and I think a few others will tell you the same. You will find a large number of folks here who aren't reconciled but are commited to the DB process and the progress it has brought to them. Piecing is where the HARD work starts...this is where you fine tune what you started learning in Newcomers. That is probably the best way to look at it...Newcomers is the introductory phase and Piecing is the work phase

One thing you posted was that your C suggested that W was more commited to the OM? Was this in the sense that C was trying to "feel" out W regarding her feelings toward OM and/or her commitment toward the M or is the C trying to steer W TOWARD OM?? If the latter is the case then I would suggest finding a new C! One who is PRO-MARRIAGE. Preferably one who is SBT-trained.

You have a BIG plus in your favor...your W is TELLING you AND OTHERS that the OM means nothing to her and that you are the one she wants to be with!! There are folks here who would give their eye-teeth to be told that by their H/W This should tell you that what you are currently doing is definitely working KEEP DOING IT! Your W is seeing SOMEONE she likes, if not loves, once again...just don't rush it.

Have you read the Infidelity chapter of DR? It goes into how difficult it is for the U (unfaithful)S to let go of the OP even when they no longer have feelings for them. They go through a sort of withdrawal process...they waver back and forth, they can become irritable and seemingly MORE distant, they'll sometimes try to stay friends with the OP (this rarely works) and of course the GUILT (probably the biggest hurdle). The only thing you can truly do to help at this time is to be supportive of your W's feelings during this process and validate those feelings. They are REAL to your W! The OP DID mean something at the time. Don't try to push or force your W in regard to OM right now...you will only end up driving her toward him rather then away from him. I about overdid it with regard to H and OW and ended up backsliding big time. You have to let them sort it out themselves.

Also - should I initiate more contact with her or leave the ball in her court in case she considers this 'pressuring' her as well as aking about the OM? And...sorry for all the questions....what is the danger of this becoming 'just' a friendship if I keep acting 'As As If'. Should I be acting more elusive and let her think I'm going out with other people or am I just losing patience?

It sounds like you are losing patience Let your W be the guide. You can try a little initiating of contact...A LITTLE! IF your W responds negatively to it then stop, back-off. DON"T ask about OM...if W volunteers info accept it, validate it but DON'T ask!!! I cannot stress that enough. I don't think your acting "as if" is going to turn your R into "just" a friendship...the indications you have are telling you she does want more. Friendship is a good place to start though, it is an awesome foundation to have for an M

Hope this helps some...once again, WELCOME to piecing. You will find excellent advice and guidance here

Zoo