Forgetting those things which are behind......

[mockers2]

Hello everyone -

I am away from my regular office ans so have not been able to read or post very much at all.

Just wanted to et you all know I am thinking of you and continue to pray daily for you and your families. I am so thankful to have been led to this board. I continue to learn from all of you courageous people. Hopefully I will be able to catch up with everyone early next week.

The title of my thread is from Philippians 3:13-14

Forgetting those things which are behind..., I press on toward the goal.

I thought it fit with the things I'm currently working on/struggling with - to live without being fearful and to forgive those who have hurt me in this last year.

Things are going along pretty much as they were with us. I did initiate an R talk last night and just told my H that on most days, I felt very confident and unafraid with regard to our R, but that every once in a while, I feel afraid. I said that I thought this was probably normal and just asked that he be understanding if I seemed a little shaky on some days. Probably not the best DB'ing, but I felt like he needed to know that I am going through this. He stated that he is happy with me and that his wish to have another baby should help me see that he feels confident about us.

I also told him that i'm only interested in a monogomous relationship, which he agreed with. I know this is no guarantee, but I was glad he said these things.

I thanked him for listening and today have kept things light.

I find that I have trouble when I allow myself to dwell on thoughts of H and OP. I need to use the stop sign and redirect myself, although I'm sure thoughts like this are normal. I just don't want to give OP the power by letting thoughts of her ruin my day or my time with my family. There are still days when I find it hard to believe any of this has really happened.

Hope you all have peaceful holidays. Thank you for being here.

[mockers2]

Forgot my positives:

1. H has been renting movies for us to watch together
2. H spent time with me yesterday talking about a CD he bought and playing songs from it that he thought I'd like (this is huge - the words to the songs really struck some cords with regards to what has happened in the last year - yes, I did shed a couple of happy tears. And one of the things we really enjoyed early on in our R was music. So his sharing of the CD yesterday really felt affirming.)
3. H has been opening my car door for me pretty consistently - a small thing, but it feels good.

I was reading sage's thread today - good grief, is she something! There are themes there now about crazymaking and this really hit home for me.

Some observations from the last week - every once in a while - maybe every 2 weeks or so - I get the almost uncontrollable urge to snoop. Eachg time I do, I find something that hurts. This last episode, I found a note that was over a year old, most likely from the former OW. And it occurred to me - there is probably alot about this last year that would hurt if I knew it, but it's in the past. My H is showing me that he loves me in so many ways - why dredge up that old stuff, so that I put distance between H and me, and so I am in a fog during the precious time I have to spend with our children.

Mostly just getting this stuff down, so I don't lose the thoughts. Need to work on some goals along these lines.

[optimist]

I guess I am #1!

When you find out how to do the 'forgetting thing', please share... we anxiously await your success... to copy the technique!

[mockers2]

Hi everyone ~

Here's wishing holidays filled with peace.

This post will be mostly for journaling purposes, but as always, your opinions and input is welcome. I get so much from your posts.

The last week or so has been overall good, but a little tough in some respects. For some reason (maybe b/c nearing the anniversary of the bomb?? Maybe b/c I've been at home instead of work - more time to think/worry, etc.), I've been a little more fearful/worried for about a week. Some examples:
1. I voiced to H that I had wondered/worried that a third baby would put distance betweed me and our oldest child (in my last thread I described that our older child has seemed to express anger mainly towards me/tell me she loves Daddy, not me; seems to prefer H over me. There has been a little bit of this tendency all along, but it got worse after H came home - all understandable behavior, which I'm dealing with pretty well at the moment. This is also slacking off somewhat now that H has been home for almost two months.) This is probably an unfounded worry, but I'm probably not the first person to think of this, when contemplating a third child.

2. The children (almost two and almost three) recieved "Finding Nemo" for Christmas. We watched it together for the first time. I worried a little that some parts might scare the kids.

3. On my way home from work the other day, I saw a pretty bad accident. I stopped - there were two boys - both 17 yrs old involved. One wasn't hurt, the other had a head injury. This shook me up a little. I just felt for the boys and their families. I talked to H about this.

Well, yesterday H said I had "been in a mood lately." I asked him what he meant and he listed the things I listed above and said I had been crying alot lately. I said that he was right, but added that I thought my concerns/worries were probably within the realm of normal. He said he didn't think it was normal. I said," Oh," and let it go. I acted as if I was fine and that we were fine, etc. Happy, happy, happy.....

But, on the inside, I was furious. I wanted to ask H why he thought he was an expert on what's normal (is leaving your family for eight months and having an affair normal?). I know, not loving, not good DB'ing, but at least I didn't say it. I realize, though, that I have got to deal with this or it will come out at some point, and this will not get me closer to my goal at all.

I thought through why this made me so angry, and came up with ~
1. I feel as though my "faults" are open for discussion at any time. H feels free to give his opinion about my shortcomings whenever he wants. But I am to say nothing about him or his way of doing things at all (H got irritated with me for suggesting a different way to rinse the kids hair - it was a way that seemed to cause less crying/protesting. H said "I was doing just fine.")

2. My "faults" are in part what led to him leaving - I was never confident enough in the R/in his love for me.

3. Am I only to be happy, happy, happy all the time? Am I not allowed to have down days or worry about things sometimes?

Yes, I am fearful at times, and yes, I do worry about things probably more than alot of people do, but I am working on this, and I feel like I have improved (although in the past when I feel I've gotten better about something - less insecure, more self confident - when I've asked H, he's said he didn't think I had changed for the better at all.)I don't want to live my life in a state of fear/worry, and am working on this. But, I just want to be loved by H anyway. I want to be able to express my feelings and thoughts to him without worrying that he will leave again. I don't want to spend the rest of my life holding things in because I'm afraid H will think I'm "in a mood."

Maybe it's just too soon for me to really open up to him with all my feelings????????

One other thing is that in the last few days with all this going on, I've noticed a pre-bomb pattern of behavior:
1. something doesn't go well
2. H seems unhappy/upset/frustrated with me
3. I become afraid
4. H pulls back (witholds physical affection, goes into tha cave)
5. I become more fearful, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah

At least I was able to recognize the pattern and stop myself before I tried to talk to H and explain myself or argue with him about what's "normal." Just so scary to see a destructive and familiar pattern.

I feel this is all related to my lack of forgiveness. I felt like I had made some progress, but feeling this anger/rage, makes me realize I have such a long way to go.

So, how to turn this around?
1. Hold in any thoughts/feelings that may be seen by H as negative. Talk to a friend instead.
2. No crying in front of him.
3. Continue to act as if I am fine. Happy, happy, happy.
4. Act like a girlfriend - maybe I've been letting this slip a little - got to polish those toenails, wear pufume every day, smile, flirt.
5. try to see H with empathy - maybe he is ultrasensitive about child care comments - maybe b/c he feels bad/guilty for being gone???? Maybe I act like I know best? I certainly don't mean to come across this way?????

Positives:
1. H and I have had couple time together for the last several nights - we watched a movie or sat on the couch together and read our books.
2. H helped me clean up the kitchen last night.
3. H came with me to run errands one day instead of sleeping, so he could spend time with me.
4. H was very sweet and supportive when we heard of a friends' child dying. I did cry then, and H gave me a hug and said how sorry he was.

One stategy I am using to fight OW thoughts (one of the girls in the movie looked like the person I think is the former OW ) is to say the Lord's Prayer immediately when I start thinking of her/them. I say it several times if necessary, which is usually the case. The "Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who trespass aginst us," part reminds me of what I have to continue to work on.

"Finding Nemo" actually has quite a message for fearful me, when I think about it.

From my devotional today ("Our Daily Bread" Dec/Jan/Feb):

Everyone is looking for happiness, and people follow many avenues trying to find it. They look for it in money, parties, self-improvement programs, fancy cars, luxurious homes, or promoting a cause. That's the wrong list. The right one is found in Matthew 5.......Jesus... said we are happy when we are........
*Meek - demonstrating self-control, even when we are mistreated.
*Merciful - showing mercy to others, just as God shows mercy to us.

Any input will be greatly appreciated.

[holdingon]

maybe b/c nearing the anniversary of the bomb?? Maybe b/c I've been at home instead of work - more time to think/worry, etc

Mockers, I definitely think this is playing into your worrying. Plus, the holidays are awful and then after the holidays you are supposed to be looking forward to a New Year... all a big burden...

I feel as though my "faults" are open for discussion at any time. H feels free to give his opinion about my shortcomings whenever he wants.

Yes, they are... and I think feeling like you are under a microscope at this point in your R is normal. Trying24now felt that way, Talitsa too. Maybe you should look at their posts. It doesn't seem to last forever. It seems to be the Hs time to test you, make sure you are committed and that the M/R is real. Be PATIENT.

Am I only to be happy, happy, happy all the time? Am I not allowed to have down days or worry about things sometimes

Yes, of course, but right now, do this in private, or here. Don't put it on your H yet. He's not ready. He's still dealing with the newness of the R, and that needs to stay happy, happy, happy. Like Jan said "so sweet I have diabetes" or something like that.

But, I just want to be loved by H anyway. I want to be able to express my feelings and thoughts to him without worrying that he will leave again. I don't want to spend the rest of my life holding things in because I'm afraid H will think I'm "in a mood."

Don't equate this bump in the road with the rest of your life. Think day by day or moment by moment.

I've noticed a pre-bomb pattern of behavior

Stop doing what doesn't work.

Here are the answers you are looking for:

So, how to turn this around?
1. Hold in any thoughts/feelings that may be seen by H as negative. Talk to a friend instead.
2. No crying in front of him.
3. Continue to act as if I am fine. Happy, happy, happy.
4. Act like a girlfriend - maybe I've been letting this slip a little - got to polish those toenails, wear pufume every day, smile, flirt.
5. try to see H with empathy - maybe he is ultrasensitive about child care comments - maybe b/c he feels bad/guilty for being gone???? Maybe I act like I know best? I certainly don't mean to come across this way?????

And keep doing whatever keeps OW out of your mind.

Mockers, you are a strong, strong woman. And you have come a heck of a long way. But, your H has only been home 2 months. That's not that long. Feelings are tender. I am sure you BOTH are wondering if this is the right thing. Stay the course... don't expect him to deal with all of your emotions right now. He knows what he has done and has to deal with that, too. When you are down, he may think it is because of him and what he has done, and may feel badly for it. Hang in there, girlfriend. You have excellent advice from yourself... you CAN and WILL do this.

[optimist]

What I learned from "Finding Nemo:"

1.Just keep swimming, swimming, just keep swimming, what do we do? We swim... swim..

2. I wish I could speak whale.

3. No, it's true. I forget things almost instantly. It runs in my family. Well, I mean, at least I think it does. Hmmm. Where are they?

4. Uhhh.... the sea monkeys have my money.... yes, I'm a natural blue...

And kids get the gist faster than us adults. Do not worry about scary parts... my daughter (who is afraid of Harry Potter) loved it.

So get a page from Dory and keep forgeting... you can do this.

As to the anger... well you are doing great, finding patterns. Now, how to break them?

All the best wishes for the New Year for your whole family. It will be OK.

[mockers2]

Thank you, Holdingon and Optimist. You all make things seem so clear, when to me it all looks fuzzy. A little distance helps, I think.

Holdingon ~ You are right - it is all still new - it's hard to always keep this in mind when in some ways things seem so good between us. When H seems more and more like he's my best friend, it's hard not to fall back into comfort mode and spill all my thoughts/feelings , but I can't let myself do that. (I tend to be a talker when I'm upset.) Come to think of it, maybe this is a mistake I made before - sharing all my fears/thoughts with H. Maybe it's better not to do this ever?????? Maybe there's a happy medium somewhere, eventually.

Keeping myself and my mind occupied is also key - when I have down time, my mind wanders and is filled with bad thoughts/awfulizing. I will check out thise threads you mentioned.

Optimist~ You are right - there are lots of lessons in Nemo. Have to remind myself to keep forgetting and to keep swimming.

Update (get those 2x4's ready ):
I really screwed up yesterday. H went across to the store, and I saw him on his phone, so I called him. I just wanted to tell him that I want him to feel comfortable talking in front of me. Well, it didn't come across that way - it came across as me being suspicious and not trusting him. H was understandably upset with me, but we managed to talk things through and have a good night. I told him that if I thought something was going on, I would ask him, but that I didn't think anything was going on. He said that if anything was going on he would tell me, and that there isn't anything going on right now. Good to hear, but what a bad way to go about hearing it.

H said that one of the reasons he left was that I was always afraid he'd leave . I can understand how this could be frustrating for him. And I don't want to live in fear of him leaving again for the rest of my life. But it seems to me that having lived through him leaving me once, fears that he will leave again are natural. Guess it's OK to have those fears every once in a while, but I have to keep this from him as well. H has to stay faithful to me on his own. I can't control this. Worrying about it can only make things worse for me, for H and for our M. So, how to show him I trust him?

1. No snooping
2. No quizzing
3. Act like I'm fine with no worries when he is working in the same area at work as the former OW
4. Encourage him to have time to himself
5. do not call him at work unless it's child related
6. do not ask H "are you OK?" or "are we OK?" This bugs him.


H also said yesterday that if I'm going to be afraid he'll leave, then he doesn't want a part of a M like that. H feels that we started over and that we've covered these issues in a previous R talk, so we never need to discuss them again. It seems to me that some things may need to be discussed more than once - for clarification????

Positives:
1. H asked me to lunch today.
2. We laughed at lunch.
3. H is having a bad day today, but I acted as if everything is fine. Happy, Happy, Happy, smile, smile, smile.....I did not ask if we were OK. Baby steps.

Thank you for your insight. I appreciate this more than you can know.

[optimist]

Just one suggestion: why don't you go back to my old threads and check the pattern of suspicion that eventually lead to H leaving again.

T2's old threads also show her problems during the first attempt at reconciliation. Her H also eventually moved out and stayed away for quite some time.

I would hate to see you repeat my mistakes...

[mockers2]

Yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mockers2]

Hi everyone ~

Been away from the boards for a while and trying to catch up - man, are there some amazing people on this board! I wish I had more time to read. I learn so much every time I have a chance to read even a little bit. Thank you all - you make such a difference - words fall short of expressing my gratitude to all of you.


Warning - major stream of consciousness post here ....


Update:
Things continue to go pretty well at home. No more skirmishes after our big one last week. Alot of thinking on my part - more on this later.....

Positives:
1. H got frustrated the other day while we were in the car with the kids - some alien behavior surfaced. I calmly explained why I did/said what I did, without sounding angry, and a few minutes later H actually took my hand,looked me in the eye and said I'm sorry. This hasn't happened in a long time.
2. H and I have a date tonight.
3. H and I have been laughing alot in the last several days.

Now, on to goals/thinking...got to get them down before I forget them completely (come to think of it, Optimist, maybe I'm more of a Dory than I realized ). Reading Kitti and Holdingon's threads has gotten me inspired to make some goals/baby steps for myself to work on. This seems to be one of the keys to what worked initially post-bomb - having a list of things to do and not to do really helped me stay focused. I will post my 2004 goals in another post - the R goals seem to be more pressing at the moment.


A recurring theme for me - and for a lot of people on the boards seems to be how to stay steady when things start to turn around/when the WAS comes home. How to deal with the fears that surface at this point - how to live without letting the hurt/anger/pain/that we have experienced dominate (and potentially ruin) our lives. This, for me has been a common thread all my life, for a number of reasons, so, how to work on this???????


One of the reasons my H left was because I was never convinced of his love for me, never understood why he picked me, always felt like I was less interesting/sexy/fun than his female friends.....So, what is the opposite of this fearful attitude? Living as if I'm confident in myself and in his love for me, confident in our M - that it will last. How would I live/be if I felt confident and secure? This is what's so hard - I'm realizing that maybe I've never felt this way - ever. So how do I know how to do something I've never done? Some of what I imagine to be the rightthing to do seems not to be right based on what my H has said/what I've noticed post bomb????

What would I do if I were confident/secure?
1. I would act confident in myself (again, something I've never done consistently - ever).
*hold my shoulders up, stand up straight
*look my best (bathe every day - gross, I know, but the reality on some days), keep toe nails painted, dress up some (again how does the ideal fit into the reality of having two small children? It is an exception for me to get to work and still have clean clothes - usually there's at least some poptart on my shirt - not complaining here - I am sooooo thankful for the blessings they are.)
*No self-critical comments (either audible or in my head)
*Speak up (tend to be a low talker)
*Express my opinions (although these at times tend to irritate H?????)

2. Take care of myself
*have a devotional every day, continue to pray, pray, pray
*exercise - a goal would be 3-4X/week
*have "me time" (time to think while doing the dishes doesn't count)
*pursue hobbies (birdwatching, hiking, work on photo albums and baby books, participate in flylady)
*take up a new hobby - Ideas: rollerblading, yoga
*eat less junk, drink 64 oz of water/day
*keep in touch with/spend time with my friends - both here on the BB and my other friends
*have a plan (stealing from T2 and Holdingon) for every day "to keep the creepies from taking over my thoughts."
These next two lines are also stolen from Jan and Holdingon:
*"Stop looking over my shoulder...it only slows my progress down and gives the enemy a chance to catch up."
*Cherish and use my free time. Accept it as a friend, no longer an enemy."


3. I would act as if I trust my H
*No quizzing
*No snooping
*Act confident when H works in the same area as the former OW.
*Be kind to H's female friends. Stop seeing them as potential OW.
*No questions about who H worked with last night.
*Act upbeat when H goes out for time alone or for time with his friends. No clinging or acting sad when he leaves.

4. I would act confident in his love for me and in our M (this one is harder for me)
*initiate more often
*be understanding/not take it personally when H declines
*be open and honest with H (this one gets me - being honest with each other is one thing my H said he had to have in the M, but right now, this seems to be contraindicated for me???????? Maybe in time there will be more of a balance.)

This confidence/the belief he'll be faithful to me now, and that we'll be married for life has to be balanced with the reality that to keep the M healthy will take work. Maybe in the past I confused being and acting confident with becoming complacent (lax about my appearance, my attitudes "he isn't going anywhere, so it doesn't matter how I look", I quit being like a girlfriend, etc.)


Other questions I'm pondering......
1. Is there ever a point at which it's appropriate to talk about these things with the WAS????

2. Do I have to let my guard completely down in order to really forgive my H? I think I do.

3. Will I ever be able to truly be myself with H or is this a myth about marriage I've thought was true?

4. I've had the feeling several times in the last couple of weeks that I'm losing myself in the M again. I think this was a mistake I made pre-bomb. Always thinking only of H - but in a fearful way. H said just post-bomb that I didn't consider his feelings/wants/needs - only my own, but it seems to me I only ever thought of his wants - I never said no to sex when he wanted it. I never asked him not to go out when he wanted to (although, I did act sad when he went out without me.)I feels as if my main focus is on H and the M. There has to be a balance of God, H, the children, and me. Always yeilding to what H wants isn't the answer, I don't think??????

5. H has said that one of the things he didn't like about me was that I came across as always thinking I'm right (How this happened, I'm not sure, as I wasn't very self confident at the time - so how could I have been so insecure and sure I was right all the time?) Maybe some of this is post-bomb confusion with a grain of truth here and there, but how do I know? H seems to have the opinion that we've started over and that we don't need to go over and over things????

6. What is the worst thing that could happen at this point? H could leave again. And wouldn't it be better to live joyfully, loving him as if I thought he'd always be here, than to chase him away by living fearfully?

Thanks for listening. Getting these thoughts down is necessary - helps me work on them. They are rough and all need work, but they are here instead of swirling around in my head with everything else .

Thinking of all of you and saying prayers.

Now, I'm off to prepare myself for our date (think girlfriend).