This week, it occured to me that I've now been in this forum wondering if our "piecing" will hold together for a longer time than it took to DB while CAW was a full-fledged WAW. I'm still not at the point where I'm convinced this M has been DB'd, but I'm beginning to feel a shift is occuring. So I'm hoping to have the answer to this title by the time I get to the end of this thread.
Just haven't had a lot of time to spend on the bb over the last week, but I do have a bit to update on. Monday was my birthday and while the actual celebrating was fairly low key, I received the best b-gift from CAW without her even knowing of it!...
Over the years CAW has come to hold my only sis in the highest regards and had come to feel closer to her than her own sis. During the "dark" times, I leaned on my sis for support more than anyone else I know. This caused a rift between CAW and Sis that caused CAW to feel a great loss and was resentful of both of us for that loss. Up to now, CAW has kept her distance from Sis, thinking she will never regain that close bond that was once there. Last weekend, I called my mom and she told me Sis told her she received a letter from CAW last week. In it she wrote how she hopes that they can start to rebuild what they once had!
THIS IS REALLY HUGE TO ME!!! This is the first thing CAW has done up to now that I can take as her being committed to making this M work! I don't believe she would make the attempt to rebuild the bond between herself and my sis, if she felt we had no future together. It the "proof" I need to start believing the current changes in her behavior could be for real and here to stay this time. That the sparkle in her eye is here to stay. That the "hon" and "babe" that are flowing freely now, are really meant as well as all the other good stuff I mentioned at the end of my last thread.
Monday (my B-day) was more eventful than I even would have anticipated, but not in the way anyone would have expected. I did go to work, but decided to come home a little earlier than usual. Just a couple of miles from home I received a call on my cell phone. It was CAW wondering when I would come home and to tell me she made an appoint to see a doctor because she was in a lot of pain. I came home to find her in tears and laying in the fetal position. I helped her get in the Jeep (remember this is a brand new one with only a thousand miles on it now), along with D10 and off we went to the doctor's. Half there, the Jeep died! While it would restart, all it would do is sputter and go nowhere. Now CAW went into panic mode and doubled over in pain. I called 911 on cell and requested an ambulance and tried to keep CAW and D10 calm. Fortunately, ambulance arrived in short time, but CAW was in complete panic and was being a very good patient for the paramedics, but we managed to get her on the stretcher and drove her to the emergency room of the nearest hospital with her holding onto me the whole time. To add it all she went into a diabetic seizure on the trip. She was literally scared to her wits end and not knowing what caused to onset of her condition made it a very scary scene for all.
To avoid turning this post into a novel, the abridged version is that the cause for her lower abdominal pain was not life threatening and was very treatable with meds and by the time I got to take her home that night she was flying high as a kite. D10 was a real trooper thru all of this. The only time she got upset and teary eyed was when Mom was put on the stretcher. During the ambulance ride she sat up front with the driver talking his ear off about the boys in her class. In the ER, D10 was a big support to CAW ... holding her hand, telling her the doctor is going to fix her up ... getting her cups of water ... and wiping her forehead with cool, damp papertowels. Seeing how well D10 was handling the circumstances and how supportive we both were of her, really helped lift her spirits as we waited for the meds to take affect. She then gave me my first ILY since the end of last winter. I swelled with joy to be able to return those three words ... and of course she replied with her usual "Why?!"
After making arrangements to get us home and getting the Jeep towed to the nearest dealership, I called into work to take the next day off, to play caretaker. CAW was still in much discomfort, but it was a big improvement over the night before ... and despite that, still managed to find a way in which she wanted to make it up to me for spending B-day in the hospital!
Yesterday, she thought she felt good enough to go to work, but about 10:30, she called me to let me know she was going home early. I asked if she wanted me to come home. She was relucant knowing I was having a busy day, saying she would just spend the rest of the day in bed. I spent the next hour tying up some loose ends and then called her to let her know I was on my way home. She seem very appreciative and spent most of the afternoon cuddling in bed.
What was the deal with the Jeep ... faulty fuel module. Apparently, its a widespread problem as the part is on backorder and today the dealership said it may take to the end of the month before they can get one. In the meantime, they are providing a rental which CAW picked up today. BTW, CAW is feeling much better today. The pain is gone and she did put in a full day's work today and greeted me with a smile and a big hug when I got home.
So its still going very well, if fact I'd pretty much feel in par with last summer's " Emerald City is Great!, but its still not Kansas.. " thread, but as during then ... I still want to believe this M is DB'd, but know I'm not there yet and still seems to elude me how to obtain that point. Its still been less than a month since her last contact with OM and I don't know if he is still in the picture somewhere. Oddly, when I came home early from work, shortly after 2:00 pm which the normal time CAW gets home from work, some guy with a thick Latino accent (OM is Columbian) started calling and leaving messages on the machine to please pickup ... "Heelloo, are you there?" "Please pick up." Called back three times in a row. CAW said she didn't know who it was. No big suprise there really, is she really going to admit it if it was her OG? So I can't help but have doubts as to was it him? <sigh> and I can't come out and say that to her, can I?
... and that brings up the same old issue about getting her to share verbally some emotional connection. Just like the letter she wrote to Sis. When Mom asked if I knew that CAW wrote to Sis, I had to say "No". Why couldn't she share with me she was making an attempt to reach out to Sis? Ironic is it? That she makes an attempt towards Sis in a way that I'm looking for her to reach out towards me.
Wow, this is getting long and its getting late, so I'll stop here for now. Thanks all for the support, concern and advise. Its helped me get to where I'm at today and I'm counting on it to get me where I need to be.
'til later, KAW
P.S. HUD, if you are reading this, I still owe you an email bud!
Rather interesting birthday there KAW...Glad you got to hear ILY!!!
The Latino on the phone...that is worrisome, but it could be a wrong #. Ever think of getting caller ID? We did. OW called 3 times after the "last contact" but hung up rather than leave a message. That's the last of her, as far as I know.
I think the letter to your sister IS a really good sign. It's not someone who's planning an escape would do, is it? I mean, if she thought your sis was on your side before...!!!
Your new title is a million dollar question to alot of us here..happy belated..sorry you spent it in the er..but some good things came out of it..I feel like maybe your w is on the mend emotionally...good luck
Like Hoping says, this is the million dollar question for us all. You guys certainly sound like you are getting there. But where is "there". Maybe it's like the horizon you go towards it but never reach it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we need to recognise that our M's will always consist of good times and bad times, times when we feel we connect with our S and times when we don't and maybe we will always have to keep DB'ing away.
just my 2c
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Geez, you had no shortage of excitement going on lateley. As far as your sitch it's good to see some solid progress being made. Getting the ILY is huge, as is the stuff with your sister. Try to keep focused on these things and take less of the focus away from any suspicions of an OM. You just gotta have faith that it's you she's moving forward with and that he is history. Enjoy the progress being made, and stay focused on what you can control for now.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
Yea, I pondered over that title for a while, but this best sums up my reaction now to the current dynamics. For nine months, I had felt we were putting the pieces together when over the next three months ... Kaboom ... the pieces started coming apart ... and then they just kinda laid there until recently.
So now good things continue to happen, but I'm constantly guarded. Are the pieces really coming together this time or is it an illusion / facade. Will they end up flying apart again? Will I ever feel "safe" again in knowing that she really wants to be married to me like I did after we were newlyweds? ... THAT'S IT!!! ... Fran, that is where I'm trying to get at!
In more ways, we seem to be getting closer ... I'm just having a hard time accepting it as being real this time.
I guess it going to take time ... time for her to show me in the little ways ... ways in which even she doesn't realize what she has accomplished ... like the letter she sent to my sis for example.
Yea, I caught some of the discussion, but didn't have time to join in.
Altho I can't go into depth here either (gotta get back to work...), I just wanted to comment that I don't think its a loss of innocence as much as it a loss of allowing to be in such a vunerable position again. As I say, I'm constantly thinking internally with skepticism ... always looking for the fallout.
