Hi everyone. Been awhile since I've started a post. I guess the "magic month" is here, bomb dropped 19 months ago after 19 years of M. The usual stuff, "ILYNOIWY", "we never did click", he wanted a D, "the kids will be ok with it", "been unhappy for a long time".
He wanted us to D and continue living together for the sake of the kids. Talk about having your head up your A$$. I told him "no way, if you don't want to be M to me anymore you need to leave". He said "where will I go?" I said "that's not my problem". he never left.
To make a very long story full of ups and downs short, we are still together, he is very loving and affectionate to me now. M almost 20 1/2 years now. He tells me he misses when we don't get to be together much.
I knew he wasn't as done as he thought he was at time of bomb. I knew he still loved me, but boy did he ever want to be done with me and the M. Had himself convinced. And for those of you wondering, yes there was EA going on. He swears that they were only friends but I know better than that!!! It's how he got the courage to drop the bomb.
I credit the DR book, (that I found at the library the day after bomb, it was waiting for me) and also God through the book "The Power Of A Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian.
In no way do I "ass"ume I have it made. We are still recovering. 19 years of damage is a long time. I owned up to my part in the demise of the M from the start. I did not blame him. He didn't blame me. He still doesn't wear his ring. He still doesn't tell me ILY. But he is here, he's happier and he "acts" like he's in love.
There are success stories and DB'ing techniques do work. I always knew that my H and I were meant to be together. I just "ass"umed I had it made and took him for granted. I thought, if I loved him then he loved me. Very naive and dangerous thinking. I'll never do that again. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel secure again. Maybe it's good that I don't. Take care, Lisa
Bridget is hanging out over in Hopefulness but comes over here to post. Lily is over in MLC. Sue (Hoping), KAW and the rest of us are here along with a bunch of other great people. Piecing has been very active for the past couple of months!
I can definitely relate to wondering if I'll ever feel secure about my R with W again. Right now, I've done a pretty good job with loving detachment and not having expectations that W will work on our R any time soon. Our kids are doing great and that definitely helps!
thanks for the link, Bob. H hasn't said that in awhile (that M not his focus). Just this afternoon we were both looking forward to spending some time together, I get home late mornings on Tues. and Thurs., and work all day M-W-F. He works 4-midnite so we don't really see each other on M-W-F, although I do wait up for him on Friday nights. But today, he got called out on a fire call (he's volunteer FF) and by the time he got back from that he was already an hour late for work so he had to run out of here. But not until he told me that it was his loss too after I said that today was my loss.
I think the M IS more of focus for him now, he's more and more attentive all the time. As for security, I don't ever want to take anything for granted again. I thought I had it made before, and therefore took him for granted. thanks for stopping by. Lisa
I certainly do remember you. I'm very glad to hear that things are going so well.
Likewise, my marriage continues to blossom. In many respects, things are better than they ever were in the past. It is the relationship that should've been all along. We are so much more connected to one another; so much more loving.
I still come back to check up on people that were here for me during the crisis.
One thing I have learned is that the "Piecing" never stops after a relationship goes through such an upheavel. Never again can we take for granted what we have. Never again can we get too comfortable in our relationship.
Congratulations, Lisa. Keep us updated from time to time.
Nik, I think first of all it was that my H still cared for me. He was battling within himself with wanting to be done, and still being pulled in my direction, even with all I put him through. I was a royal bitch to him at times. So when I started DB'ing, and 'acting as if' and being positive and upbeat (hard to do when you are dying inside) he was really torn, and even told me he felt guilty because I was being nice to him. I had had it with the 'old me'. I never knew how miserable I was with myself until bomb. There was something that I think helped US, some don't agree with it but we did a trial separation. I left the house to give us both space because the ups and downs of his MLC were getting to me too. I was gone for two weeks and he called me and asked me to come home. Not to get back together with me mind you, but to "get me back in my own house and back with our teenage sons". Such pride. He missed me, it was as plain as that.
I do things with him now that I didn't do before, he likes to hike and bike ride, I used to tell him to just go ahead and go. That was a mistake too. Now I go and enjoy it very much.
I don't know if I've answered your questions or not. Lisa
you are right Matilda, the piecing never stops. I don't want it to ever stop. Never do I want to be "comfortable" like that again. And your other comment about it being the relationship it should have always been, I have thought that so much, and have so much guilt over ALL the wasted time, literally years of it. How I wish I could go back 20 years and start over.
How refreshing to have someone stop in and share the successful progress they're making. I just popped over here to run from a post on the MLC board from a woman, now divorced, who is obviously hurt by what she's endured and stopped in to post her bitterness guised as 'reality check 101.' (which is NOT the title of her thread, it's just my editorial)
Anyway, I'm so happy to read your post because it is encouraging to all of us that are struggling and fumbling our way towards reconciliation. T2
Hi there Lisa, Its a real treat to hear from you again and that for the most part all is still going well.
Quoting tielbeagle: He still doesn't wear his ring. He still doesn't tell me ILY. But he is here, he's happier and he "acts" like he's in love.
I'm starting to see my W take this direction too. Since last June, CAW would wear daily her wedding band and diamond engagement ring on the one hand and a mother's ring and heart shaped ruby ring I gave her last year on the other hand. This summer, she would only wear the rings in public. She would contribute not wearing them to swollen fingers. For the last two weeks, she started wearing the wedding band every day. Again in the last two weeks, there's been a change in her. Happier as you say, and "acting" like in love in ways I haven't seen in long time, but she hasn't given me an ILY in at least six months.
Quoting tielbeagle: I sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel secure again.
Do you think the lack of those three little words is directly related? I know I would feel better about my M, if I started hearing it again.
And for those of you wondering, yes there was EA going on. He swears that they were only friends but I know better than that!!! It's how he got the courage to drop the bomb.
