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#175177 09/04/03 06:47 PM
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Hello everyone,

Taking a step in faith today. The first page of my last thread (which should contain a post with links to my old threads)is here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB24&Number=519294&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1

Yikes that doesn't look right.

In case that doesn't work my old threads are all in Newcomers and are called

New here
Newbee with some questions
Very cautiously optimistic

Brief summary: Me 37, H 37, together for 11 yrs, M for 5 1/2 yrs; two children under age three.
Bomb 1/03 - ILYBINILWY
H moves out 2/03
Find DR 4/03
Learn of OP 4/03 (God's perfect timing)
R with OP over 5/03
H goes across the country for 13 week assignment 7/03
Began to see baby steps 4/03, then bigger steps 5/03

The impetus for my move to piecing is that I learned today that our landlord (for the house the children and I are living in) is not renewing our lease. We have until September 30th to move. We will be moving next week into the house my H has been renting since 2/03. H flying home to help us move.

I had resisted moving to piecing, but feel that now I need to be thinking more along those lines, since we will not have the transitional period I thought we would have when my H returns from this out of town job in October.

I need to rewrite my goals and get ahold of myself. (Alot of feelings - anxiety, joy, disbelief.) Right now need to put my head down and get the work done to get everything packed. Also need to keep myself steady in my interactions with H.

Hopoe everyone here is doing well today.








Mockers2 "Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Friedrich Nietzsche
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welcome to piecing...keep that seatbelt on!
we're with you all the way!

LL

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Mockers,

I'm so glad to see you here! I'm not sure if I should be leaving, but I think I'll stick here for a bit and see which way the wind blows.

When you sit down to do your goals, make sure you also do some type of solution journal. List all the things you have been doing that are working--working to make you happy and sane and working to get your H to be communicative and responsive to you.

Did he come up with the suggestion you all move into one house? Such good news. I'm happy for you!

Jackie

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Mockers2,

Great news! I am so happy for you.

God watches over us.

Things happen for a reason.

Dotto

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Thank you LL, Jackie and Dotto. It means alot to hear from you. I hope each of you and everyone here on the bb is doing well today.

Jackie - I think you're right to stay here in this forum. Just hang in and see what happens. From what I've read piecing is tough and full of rough patches.

When I called my H to tell him about the letter, he said something like well, there's the other house. We could just move there. So I guess technically he said it, but it was the obvious solution. Even if he isn't ready for us to be living together I don't think he'd say, so we'll have to find another house, etc.

Update: It turns out the whole eviction letter was a mistake. It was sent in error, so we will be able to renew if we want to. Kind of embarrassing, although I did what I had to do to try and get things done. My H couldn't believe I had gotten in touch with so many people to help in such a short time.

So, now we are trying to decide whether to renew or not. H suggested we think about this over the next few days, go over to the other house for me to look at it , and then decide. We'll see. It will be interesting to see what he does with the other house when he comes home if we renew our current lease. I will be alright if he doesn't come home right away as this is what I had been expecting, but it would be great if he would come home and we could really use the $. I certainly don't want H to feel forced into living with us.


Goals (not very well organized):

1. Stay positive and upbeat. Act like his girlfriend (flirt, plan surprises, etc.). I will have to find a balance between the girlfriend role and the wife (with $ and discipline issues to discuss.)
2. Continue acting as if I am confident in our R and in H's love for me. (As I continue to act as if and we work to rebuild trust, I hope to really feel this more and more.) ****
3. Discuss issues calmly w/o showing anger.
****
4. Continue to let H lead this process. Initiate no R talks. No pressure for H to move home, go back to church, etc.
5. Listen, validate, and no interrupting.
6. No snooping (think I've mastered this - haven't done this at all in probably 9 months - even when H gave me more info on OP)
7. Find a release for the tremendous amount of anger I have. This is crucial. It is affecting everything - even my relationship with the children. This is breaking my heart. I also realize that if I don't get this out, it will come out, maybe directed at H, which would be bad.
8. No audible self-criticism. (This is the baby step, which I'm doing well on.) The next step will be to decrease the negative messages I send myself.
9. No sarcasm - good grief it is hard to cut this out
10. Be supportive of his time alone. ****
11. Get into shape (maybe I can combine this with #7 and really see some results )
12. create and maintain a balance between my independence and my closeness with H (I was very independent when H and I met - even refused to date him initially because I didn't want a boyfriend at the time. Where has that girl gone?)
13. Take care of myself ****
14. Take care of the children ****
15. Maintain my newly developed and still shaky confidence as a mother.
16. Stay close to God.
17. walk more and more in faith and less and less in fear. (I don't want to pass on fearfulness to our children.)
18. Pray, pray, pray every day.
19. Try not to beat myself up for not being stronger than I have through all this. Try not to dwell on my faults, but to take steps to correct things a little step at a time.
20. Make progress in the house. Maintain some sense of order.

Goals for us as a couple:
1. Go back to church as a family. (H questioning his beliefs at time of the bomb 1/03. We have not discussed this since probably 2/03. We have left our parrish - I can't manage the children on my own during mass, H stopped going b/c of questioning his beliefs, and one of the clergy there was less than supportive of our marriage when H went to talk to him. This is the source of alot of my anger.)
2. go to Retrovaille
3. date night - at least every two weeks. Every week when $ allows.

Solutions journal/What has worked: items marked by **** are things I have done which have helped based on my own observations and on what H has told me. These are also some of H's criticisms of our pre-bomb R.

Blessings:
1. Closer to God.
2. More confident with the children.
3. Less fearful. I have always feared being left - childhood issues/long story. Now that it has happened, and I'm still standing (only b/c God has held me up every step of the way), the idea is not quite so terrifying, although this is clearly still an issue.

Not very specific in all cases and not broken into baby steps, but all I have time for today. Any opinions are welcome.


Mockers2 "Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Friedrich Nietzsche
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I am glad things are going so well between your H and you. I loved your goals.

I am new to the BB and have been wondering whether I should post in Piecing. I have to ask: How do you let go of the anger? Does anyone know? I sometimes feel like a pot of boiling water...


"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little" Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
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Mockers,

What a great list, I love it. I can relate to everything on there. I like the girlfriend idea, I can't even think of the last time I flirted!

Sarcasm, it seems such a wonderful thing to give up, doesn't it?

For the energy, do you ever do tapes at home? I know with the little guys it is hard to get out. Tae Bo is great, library probably has copies or Blockbuster if you want to rent before you buy, but tons of punching and kicking, can be very beneficial.

Maybe we can do retrovaille together--if my H ever makes the decision to work on things! Looks like there are tons of those sessions going all the time.

Keep your eye on those goals, they are great ones.

Optimist--a good anger book is The Dance of Anger: A Woman's guide to changing the pattern of intimate relationships by Harriet Lerner. It helped me. Should probably be re-reading it!

Jackie

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My H and I went to Retrouvaille and we both loved it. It helps a lot and gives quite a few tools but there is hard work to do... It will make you both see the other with new eyes. But you need commitment of both parties (even if it is grudgingly given) for it to work. I did not expect anything from the weekend and was given much. But it is not a cure-all. I do not think we could have gotten this far w/o it, but it did not solve our problems, just gave us tools to deal with them better.


"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little" Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
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Forgot to add: It also gave me the hope I had totally lost: that our M could be saved. I think my H felt the same too.


"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little" Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
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Hey Mockers2!

Found you! And I'm really glad it was in this forum! You are amazing with your goals - I truly admire them. Don't have any real advice today - just wanted to stop in and say hi and thank you for keeping track of my posts.

Look forward to more positive stories from you in the near future!

Lumpy

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