I'm 33, my W is 32, S 9, and D 4. We've been M 10 years, but were highschool sweethearts (had a 1-year breakup during college times). So, basically, we've known each other a long time, a lot of water under the bridge, etc.
1st bomb occurred 10/01 and second bomb on 10/02. The 1st bomb was the "I love you, but not in love" talk where she told me that she's been unhappy for a long time--unhappy with our M, unhappy with being a mother, regrets that she didn't do all those things she should have when she was younger. We got M too young, had kids too young, need a separation...we all know the drill.
2nd bomb was 10/02. Pretty much the same conversation, but she concentrated more on the M being a failure than the children so much. She was more determined to S this time. The idea was to see if her feelings would change...the same sentiment as the first bomb. After an absolutely brutal weekend of me getting ticked off, getting sad, etc., and her finally talking to her parents, she decided to stick it out a little longer and not S. It was after this second incident I found DR.
3rd bomb was on 12/28/02. Found out that my W had an A--from 12/01-9/02 (EA "kind of" continued until I found out). I suspected for some time (and explains much of her behavior), but it still hit me hard. But after this bomb my W has said that she is back to work on our M, and is acting more like her old self.
So, two months later, much of the alien virus has been purged from her system, but she's still a WAW that is not entirely sure of her feelings (although they are far more positive towards me), and I'm still guarded wondering what to expect next. Such is the way of things lately...
Thanks for all of the responses on my previous thread, guys. It's a real PMA booster!
Quoting Abby:Have you taken any Jethro time lately?
Not as much as I need, unfortunately. However, tonight was Jethro's make-up Yoga night. Darn it was tough! Felt like a pretzel.
Quoting LL:in a way I think at times they don't want to show their remorse over what they have done...simply because that is their pain..and at times they may feel they deserve the pain for what they have done...how could they expect you to comfort or understand their pain...and so they don't show it...thus we don't see them being remorseful (ya'd never know I have a bs the way I spell)
does that make any sense???
Yup. I think she might not have shared as much with me about her feelings because I kept telling her that we shouldn't talk about the A so much...blah...blah...blah... And, at the time, I still think it was the right thing. But, now that a couple months have gone by, I think she's okay with talking about it more. She's just tough, LL. There's not a whole lot that can get through her thick skin...or so that's the way it has seemed. She's under the impression that the anxiety attacks are just from her bottling up all those feelings she hasn't let out in years.
There's a slight, yet profound difference in saying: "I'm sorry you're hurting because I had an A." or "I can barely live with myself for having an A." Do you see? She's sorry, but IS SHE SORRY?!?! Semantics? I keep thinking about Lisakate's H and how one day he was driving in the car and had to pull over because he truly realized what he had done and put himself in Lisa's place. I don't think my W has gotten here yet. Awww, geez, I guess I should just shut up about it and let time work for me.
Quoting Lisa:maybe my self-rightousness is getting in my way as i have a hard time believing my h's pain can compare in any way to waht i have been through. but maybe that doesn't even matter. we just have to accept what happened and make a choice to start trying to forgive. i think we are doing that or we wouldn't be here, right???
Lis, I think you hit the nail on the head. I agree that I'm being a bit self righteous. I suppose I need to let go a little more...
Quoting PNT:I think the fact that I wasn't able to let it go for so long is part of the reason why we are separated today.
You are still raw. You want the pain to go away. She probably just wants to forget about the whole thing.
The thing that helped me the most was to not dwell on it.
PNT, I know that I can't dwell on it too much otherwise it will really get in the way of us trying to repair things. Things are still raw, but I'll get through it. Thanks for your insights, PNT.
Quoting jsiena:I am looking for things that work especially when you are separated.
Hey JS, my W and I were never really separated...only emotionally. Sorry I couldn't be more help.
Quoting MAL:I need to see how the "pros" do this so I can get ready (in case OW fog ever lifts).
You flatter me, MAL, but I sure don't consider myself a pro. I hope to see you here soon...
jethro, it takes a very long time sometimes for our s to understand what they have done. it took h 10 months into our piecing to realize how i must have felt. so do not lose hope that one day your wife will get it. unfortunetly i think some s figure this out but do not say anything for many reasons.
don't you wish they'd fall on their knees with tears in their eyes begging our forgiveness...ah we can dream!
i had power yoga last night and i am a bit stiff today. i love it! hard to think about this sh!t when concentrating on your flow and breathing!
time will help as will taking great care of you!!!!!!!lisa
Quote: don't you wish they'd fall on their knees with tears in their eyes begging our forgiveness
YES! But that would be my ego talking, wouldn't it? I think my W will eventually get to this point if all goes well. I think your H got to this point Lisa, because he "fell in love" with you all over again, and realized what it means to have this happen to you by someone you love.
Hey All. W seems to be in the R talking mood these days. Had quite a bit of that today, but I don't really feel like posting much about it. It all started when she asked me what I'd say to OM if we ever went back to that bar and I saw him. I simply said, "I'd ask why the @#$% did he do it, then tell him he's a home wrecker." I simply said that I didn't think it would be a good idea for us to go there, that it's possible I'd get very angry, and that's not the person I want to be these days.
That led to the big R talk...which I won't really talk anymore about. But earlier in the afternoon, she came up with something kind of interesting. Philosophical, so to speak, and I wanted to illicit comments.
So, we were talking about how she's an only-child and her folks pretty much did everything for her while she grew up. This, in turn, psychologically sent the message to her that she couldn't do things for herself. Thus, she's gone through life without putting a whole lot of effort into very much. But, you see, her love language is acts of service. Interesting huh? So, if I'm doing acts of service am I perpetuating the "negative-you-can't-do-it-yourself" cycle her parents started?
I, of course, significantly summarized the conversation, but my response was that for me to do the dishes validates the effort she put in around the house. However, if I put together the photo albums (a project she's been dragging her feet on...see what I mean?), then that more likely sends a negative message. I also said that it didn't matter "why" something is someone's love language, it just "is."
I told her I thought this dynamic was interesting and I'd post it to my "peeps" (that's what she calls you guys...it's short for "people"). What do you guys think? The forum is now open.
That is pretty interesting Jethro, but if "acts of service" is your W's love language, then I think you have it figured out. Your explanation with the photo album or dishes scenerio makes perfect sense to me.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Take care!! 
But that would be my ego talking, wouldn't it? I think my W will eventually get to this point if all goes well. I think your H got to this point Lisa, because he "fell in love" with you all over again, and realized what it means to have this happen to you by someone you love.