I'm 33, my W is 32, S 9, and D 4. We've been M 10 years, but were highschool sweethearts (had a 1-year breakup during college times). So, basically, we've known each other a long time, a lot of water under the bridge, etc.
1st bomb occurred 10/01 and second bomb on 10/02. The 1st bomb was the "I love you, but not in love" talk where she told me that she's been unhappy for a long time--unhappy with our M, unhappy with being a mother, regrets that she didn't do all those things she should have when she was younger. We got M too young, had kids too young, need a separation...we all know the drill.
2nd bomb was 10/02. Pretty much the same conversation, but she concentrated more on the M being a failure than the children so much. She was more determined to S this time. The idea was to see if her feelings would change...the same sentiment as the first bomb. After an absolutely brutal weekend of me getting ticked off, getting sad, etc., and her finally talking to her parents, she decided to stick it out a little longer and not S. It was after this second incident I found DR.
3rd bomb was on 12/28/02. Found out that my W had an A--from 12/01-9/02 (EA "kind of" continued until I found out). I suspected for some time (and explains much of her behavior), but it still hit me hard. But after this bomb my W has said that she is back to work on our M, and is acting more like her old self (kind of...still a WAS). However, one day she thinks things will work out and next day, she has HUGE doubts--hence the name of my thread.
After the last bomb my W said she wanted to work on the M. And I have to hand it to her, she's really trying. Problem is, she still does not feel "in love" with me, but I'm hoping that over time she will. The first few weeks after I found out about the A have been choppy, to say the least. But now I feel like I've got my head a bit better and my W seems less prone to alien episodes.
So, now she's back, mentally, and we're working to repair the hurts of the past and move onward. My last thread is Vacillations of a WAW Come Home.
I had a good couple of days, which I'm going to post about next...
So, the last couple of days have gone well. Last night my W was surprised to find out about the Murder Mystery Theatre gig I arranged. Like I said the other day, she guessed it...at least we were already on our way when she did.
It was a lot of fun. We had a lot of laughs and interacted with the actors quite a bit...actually had one come and sit at our table before the show and pretend to be a patron! That was fantastic...we were still laughing about it today! I suspected he was one of the actors, but my W bought his story, hook, line, and sinker!
So, after the show we went to do some Karaoke. We got home late and stayed up even later ( )... All in all, a good evening with lots of laughs.
This morning we went to workout together, then my mom dropped the kids off at our place. We went shopping for all sorts of stuff. The interesting topic of yesterday and today is the fact that my W wants to totally redo our house. Now, admittedly, it does need some work, but she actually said something like, "now that all this stuff is over I kind of want to start fresh." It was nice to hear that...kind of like she's trying to rebuild our R by rebuilding our home. I later asked her whether this is just some distration, or that she was really wanting to do this for the right reasons. She said she really wants to... Now, you guys are probably wonder why I asked this. It's because she says much of her life has just been one distraction after another...even OM...not getting to the root of her issues. I just wanted clarification here.
So, we went out as a family and bought some stuff. I started feeling crummy a couple of hours into it, so we went home. I was a bit grumpy and tried not to be, so I'm hoping my W is cool...seemed like it...
Now, we've had a couple of really nice days. She's been by my side pretty much the whole time. I'm wondering how she's feeling. It's odd for me because I don't remember the last time we spent so much time together without her having to bail for "some space." Given her pattern, I can expect her to take off for a little while tomorrow. That's okay...
So, that's really it. Nothing huge, no real enlightenments...just jethro and his family. I like that.
It's 4 am and I couldn't sleep. Getting over a cold. So, I came to the puter to read and spotted your previous thread. Read the whole darn thing.
You express your feelings really well. I had several "ah hah!" moments while reading. Sometimes my emotions get so bundled up that I have a hard time analyzing them. So, thank you! I recognize myself in your writings and feel better for it!
Im doing a little happy dance for you (in my head, they would take me to the loony bin if I was dancing in my office). Sounds good. That helps the PMA doesnt it?
Quote: Now, you guys are probably wonder why I asked this. It's because she says much of her life has just been one distraction after another...even OM...not getting to the root of her issues. I just wanted clarification here.
I dont know that I read that one before about the distractions. OM being a distraction is an absolutely huge thing for her to say. You have to be happy that she knows that. Im glad that she knows this. Wish my W would say something like that to me.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
First of all I have to express my appreciation for your insight and support on my thread. The BB is the only place to find people who know exactly how I feel and what I am going through. Th empathy I get is a tremendous help.
Second, I want to apologize for not dropping by here sooner. I have to limit my time on the BB, and I don't get around to friends as much as I would like. I just spent a few minutes reading over this thread and your previous one, and I am impressed by your progress.
You have found out about your W's affair, dealt with it, and are now moving past it. Very commendable. I think your wife is saying and doing all the right things now. I agree with Floyd, her admitting that the A was just a distraction from her own personal problems is huge on her part. We hear all the time that an OP is just a symptom of marital problems, and here your wife realizes that and acknowledges it. A very big and important step.
I applaud your insistence that W end it with OM while you listen in. She knows that you mean business, and expect nothing less than complete faithfulness. I think she respects you for that, whether she admits it or not. Like the others who have posted here, I agree that you need to continue to put it behind you. Looks like you are doing a good job of it.
Keep focusing on the positives. You know the drill. There will be bad days, but you should be okay as long as you remember your DB skills. Hang in there, Jethro...good things to come.
It's so nice to hear from everyone. I've been light on the board the last few days...also been busy at work.
PIT, thanks for coming by. I have read some of your posts in the past, and I'm glad mine can offer some of those "ah hah" moments for you.
Abby, LL, and RJJ, things keep rolling along...
Floyd, I never really looked at how insignificant OM seems when my W said he was just a distraction. Even though I'd like to believe this, I think he was a bit more of a distraction.
Yesterday wasn't a good day for me. I kept thinking about the A. Sometimes it's just so darn difficult to get those images out of my mind. I wasn't Mr. Wonderful to be around, but I think my W understands. I just need to try and get a handle on it because it doesn't help our sitch.
I had a nightmare last night where I was asking my W if there were any others, and she said, "throughout our M there were probably about 10." It was very vivid and very awful. I told my W about it and she tried to reassure that this was the only time. We all know how much worse things are in the middle of the night. It was not a good dream after all the crap I'd been feeling throughout the day.
She called me at work this morning asking how I was doing. I said fine, then she requested I not bring these things up in the middle of the night anymore. She's having a hard enough time lately sleeping with all of her crap that I don't think she wants anything to disrupt what sound sleep she's able to get. I said okay. She said we could talk about it later and I said that sometimes I just have a hard time and that's why my mood changes...and that I didn't want to talk about it later.
I feel so sad sometimes. Like most of you know, the betrayal is almost unbearable. I was telling Umbrella the other day that it's amazing how we talk on the BB about such severely abnormal behavior as "normal." You know, everyday conversation... I know it's negative, but it's like we've lowered the bar on humanity or something...to accept this behavior and try and make it work with these people. Today I feel like "it's all for the kids." I know I should have a forgiving heart, but I've temporarily lost it...
Thanks, Robbie. We cross-posted, so I missed what you wrote before I submitted my latest rant... I appreciate the kind words. Although in some ways it might appear I've move passed certain things, I certainly don't think I have. Overall, I feel better, but those bad days keep cropping up here and there. I know I have a lot to be thankful for...it's just hard seeing it for what it is sometimes...seeing it through the haze of the pain I oftentimes feel.
I love my W, deep down she's a good person, and a very good mother. Although everyone sees the positives in my sitch, I know her best, have known her more than half my life, and truly question whether things will work out. I guess time will tell.
I'm off for home and will turn on the DB switch. In an obvious way, I find when I'm doing well, she pretty much is too. Instead of me gauging my moods based on her moods, she's now doing that with me. I guess I have to be extra careful.
)... All in all, a good evening with lots of laughs.
It was very vivid and very awful. I told my W about it and she tried to reassure that this was the only time. We all know how much worse things are in the middle of the night. It was not a good dream after all the crap I'd been feeling throughout the day.