A search under my user name will lead to my full story as posted under Newcomers and MLC. Receiving little response there, I thought I'd have better luck on this forum.
In short, we continue to live and do many family things together, tho EA (PA?) was discovered last April, and are in counseling together. Counselor is sorta Solution Based, and a good guy. She has been insisting throughout the counseling that she has cut off all contact with OM, but I have hard proof to the contrary.
My question is: should I confront her again with my knowledge (as I did originally -- which led to the counseling), or keep it to myself and continue to DB as I have, and let her play out her confused melodrama on her own? I've gotta say, it's tough to keep PMA, act "as if" all's OK, and continue on with my own life, all the while knowing that she still speaks with him and sees him, on the sly.
Also, should I let the counselor know what I know, and if so, how can I do it in W's presence during a C session? Or is it time to stop the joint counseling altogether under the present (deceptive) circumstances?
I think that letting her know you know would depend alot on how you know. ya know?
if it is not through any snooping on your part, I would think it ok to let her know, though mentioning it in a c session may help the two of you deal with it better, I would think it to be unwise to have that be the place you confront her with the info..she may feel put on the spot.
Here's a different take than you've probably heard. Everything you read, everything you hear says the WS MUST cut off all contact with OP. I totally agree. But, you can't force them to. You can make then do nothing. I came to the conclusion that what my wife does is none of my business. And I told her so in C. C got it, instantly. W protested that what she does IS my business. But, she still sees OM, she does things she knows I don't like. So, I have resolved that I have the right to tell her what my preferences are as to her behavior. I also acknowledge that she has a right to make whatever choices she wants to, and that is none of my business. It follows, of course, that what I choose to do, as a response to what she does, or for whatever reason is also none of her business. I choose to respect her stated preferences, and I choose to respect her right to make her own choices...
I have stated this all to her in counceling. The result, I believe because she saw that I truly respect her right to do what she chooses, has been that she has become much more open, much more honest.
The sad part in you situation is that she feels she must continue to lie. That means she doesn't trust that you will handle the truth. That means that she continues to hide things, to lie. What can you do to allow her to trust you enough that she won't have to lie?
All of this, I believe is the epitome of letting go and stopping trying to control the other, and working on yourself. When you stop reacting to the behavior of another, when you stop gauging your feeling and emotions by how another treats you and your preferences, you reclaim your own self-esteem. When you build your own self-esteem to the point where nothing she does can tear it down, it show more brilliantly than any nagging ever will, and make you appear tremendously attractive and self determined. You then no longer allow her to have the power to make you feel... You feel, and reclaim the power of your feelings. Then you control you, and you have no need to control her. Then it gets interesting....
sam, zebra is very wise. what is the nature of the contact and how did you find out? maybe it would be a good idea to run that info by your c alone. also something that i always found helpful when i did not know what to do was to not do anything but pray on it. also keeping your goals in mind. my h stayed in contact with op for a while after breaking it off. he figured if nothing was going on then it wasn't a big deal. i am glad i did not know or i may have given up or over reacted. lisa
My thanks to Lostlove, Zebra and Lisakate for taking the time to read my posts and to reply. Regrettably, I found out by snooping -- OK, so I backslid somewhat! But I did pick myself up, dust myself off, and continued on DBing. I'll be seeing the C alone next week and will tell him what I've shared here with you. Truth of the matter is, that my DBing is coming along pretty well, and I've managed to keep calm, cool and unflustered as she acts out her playlet. Thanks again! Sam
Quote: I've managed to keep calm, cool and unflustered as she acts out her playlet.
HER playlet... Yes. Good for you for recognizing that. It's HER drama, HER insecurities. It just sucks that it's at your expense, and that of your marriage and family. The the key to surviving is not to be sucked into her drama, but let her play it out by herself and avoid adding fuel to the fire. Also, it is important to recognize that the breakdown of a marriage is the responsibility of both parties. You helped. Own that, change the things you did to contribute, and move on.
Quote: Also, it is important to recognize that the breakdown of a marriage is the responsibility of both parties. You helped. Own that, change the things you did to contribute, and move on.
Z, yes, I'm pretty much aware of my role in this mess and am doing my best to clean it up. Strange, but I'm no longer anxious or upset when I think of the two of them together -- almost as though I don't care, as though I'm no longer a character in the melodrama. I've forced myself to imagine them in every conceivable type of situation, but I don't have that emotional reaction. That's either the result of successful DBing, or I've become emotionally anesthetized. Whatever, but it sure beats that old panicky feeling. Sam
W and I just returned home from two days of R&R in NYC; we saw a Broadway show, had some fine meals and did the gallery bit which is near and dear to her heart. She did have that sad, faraway look in her eyes, however -- as if to say, "Right situation, wrong guy." But I DB'd and PMA'd to a faretheewell. It is, however, very difficult, and more than once, I've felt like throwing in the towel and finding someone new. While away, we had sex, but that's all it was: sex. No passion, no loving flow, no kissing! G*d forbid she should hold my hand, touch me or call me by an affectionate name. OK, so we're together, and do things together -- but there's no heart or oomph to it. No more ILY's on either side. Feels like a rather sterile way to live.
