We are seperated and have two kids. I thought things were okay and he was taking his time. He is now telling me he didnt file at first when he left because i said I wouldnt sign. Now he wants to file together and agree on everything. The agreeing on everything isnt hard for us custody and the house etc is all agreed upon.. I just dont want this! He is going out partying and saying things like I was hitting on other women and you dont deserve that. His main complaints are that I have taken control in the marriage. He didnt speak up about decisions we made together because he didnt want to cause waves.
He didnt so things so i picked up the slack and now Im paying for it.
Do I file with him or tell him i will tear it up? Or tell him Ill fight him and it will cost?
My heart is bleeding for my family and his lack of effort to work on things. I have talked to Jody twice and am following the rules and I have a life..
Please reply..
Filing for D could certainly be a 180 if you have continued to NOT file for D or as is said, if not filing D would be "more of the same"...
I'd submit that filing for D would be a LRT. So if you do file, you'd have to be willing to follow through with it.
OTOH, if you maintain you still do not want D, then perhaps consider NOT filing for D.
If your H wants it, let him do all the leg work. That does not mean trying to stop him, but it also means that you do nothing to initiate or move D forward in advance of your H's actions. Rather, you wait for anything that might require your input and provide that input only within the parameters set out, including the time frames. Nothing more, nothing less.
And then, GAL like you've never GAL'd before!
So he says he wants one. He knows etc.. He said that he would have filed sooner but i said i wouldnt sign. Well I have done the leg work as far as me i know what it will take to file for a D with us both agreeing.
He doesnt have the $ to file with a lawyer but if i agree to file with him and we agree on everything he can do it. So do I just wait for him to file etc? I just dont even know anymore..
I know why he is rushing. He wants to be with other people and not feel guilty anymore which is what i made him feel in the marriage. He has that link to me and cannot move on with out it broken I think..
I think I move on and am okay with a D but then it hits me again. Im looking GREAT losing weight and GAL really GAL!!!!! I just have a hard time not wanting my husband and family.
So if i just let him file and come to me but then agree to what he wants that is a 180 from my control. However I dont want one he knows that already and if I give him a no answer he will wait but I could free him from our RULES about not dating.. I guess that would be more of the same though.. me in control of the scenario...
I dont want the broken man before me I want the man he can be after we heal. I will continue to pray for that and keep that safe in a part of my heart.. but still move on as best as I can.
I wont stop it but I wont encourage it either..
He has said some things about the kids lately that upset me. Like he cannot handle them both together because they fight.. He wants to try one at a time.. I dont know if I should try to control this or allow it.. It isnt fair to the kids but me controlling the issue is more of the same.
I think if I allow him to take one the other will freak out. Then Ill just let them call him and the chips will fall where they may.. He cant even think about being a bad dad that makes him cringe...
He is shirking his responsibility little by little. He is high on his freedom.. I hope that he enjoys the ride!
While I appreciate the money thing regarding your husband's ability to file, I still call BS.
Here's the thing... I cannot afford to file either. I have said to myself and others that if I could afford to, I would. Thing is... if I really, really wanted to... I could come up with the money... somehow... somewhere... So really, that's an excuse. Things can be done to get the ball rolling that doesn't need money and then things can be done as the money comes available.
I'll submit your H is not fully committed to D. He's testing you, even if it's not consciously.
Time makes us crazy, but time really is our friend...
If you are fully committed to D, then start the process. Otherwise...
Yes, let him come up with the resources to start the process and yes, do ONLY what you need to, within time constraints, to move it forward.
As you suggest, you are not controlling him in the process, you are only controlling you. Leveraging time to your advantage.
If control is an issue, then this would be a 180 for you, yes.
I get that you do not want the D. So does he. If he starts the process and you only do what is necessary, he will likely accuse you of stalling. That's fine. That's his feelings. Validate his feelings ("I understand you feel I am stalling. I am making sure I am clear on all the paperwork.") and then show him you are handing over control at each juncture by completing the paperwork and handing it back.
My W does not want to spend money to D, either. She has found a way that we can do mediation for free, so that we can take the paperwork to our Ls for final filing. I am VERY clear that with this mediation, either one of us can stop the process at ANY time. So I have a lot of opportunity to stop playing the game once it begins. At the end of mediation, I can even decide that I do not like the results and choose to go back through the process with Ls at that time.
Not controlling HER, rather just leveraging time.
Semantics? Maybe it could be seen that way. Truly, if she wants the D, I will not stop it. I WILL make sure that enough time is put into the process so that everyone is clear on the outcome and it is maximum benefit for everyone.
Rules...? Boundaries, control...
If he wants to date, he will. If he is "respecting" the rules around dating, then he still has one foot in the door.
It is said there are no rules in love or war... There are some absolute truths in that statement.
You need to do only ONE thing, regarding rules of dating. Let him know that you understand you cannot control what he does. Let him know that YOU will not date until after the D and that HE can and will do what ever he chooses. And leave it at that. He can deal with his own daemons around that.
Interesting... it seems that I am laying the foundation for my own sitch, as I speak on my opinions of yours...
I further understand that you do not want the man who you are currently M to. I do not want the woman who I am M to. She is not the woman I knew, when I M'd her.
What you have done to GAL, how you have changed yourself, made yourself better... how you will continue to become a better person (not like you were not a good person, you are just becoming... more... better...) is the foundation for who you will become, who you will be, for the future, for a future R with whomever that may be.
By being a better person, you "give permission" to others to step into their greatness, as it were. Not like they NEED your permission, you are just "showing the way" and leading by example. This could possibly lead your H to finally find it in himself to do the work on HIMself, to become better. To learn and grow from this experience.
You may find that your changes will have him interested in you and he may ultimately step up, make changes in himself, and decide that he does in fact want to be with you. And thus, you will not be with the man who stands before you... rather, you will be with a NEW and IMPROVED man... without the hassles of having to get D and start a new R.
Finally, as far as the kids. You could either assert control again (either aggressively or passively) by saying "No" to splitting them, or telling him to figure it our himself...
or...
you could just work WITH him and the kids to figure out what works. Not doing the work, just letting your H know that you will support him in figuring out what works best for everyone, but you will not accept anything that may be harmful for the kids.
Make sense?
Kaffe,
Thanks for your response! It was very helpful! for me I have begun to focus on me and my physical health and also mental. I am making plans and new friends and doing things I enjoy such as dancing with friends. I have not really relayed the sitch to many of our friends and he has been staying away from them as well. I am now just enjoying our friends also and not shying away being afraid of what will come. I am also telling them that there are issues when they ask how things are. Im being honest not too informative..
I think my biggest thing for the GAL process is that I didnt do certain things i liked because he wasnt involved. I am now just doing them like dancing, photography and even a weekend job bartending weddings on occasion.
The bartending is a bit hard with all of the lovey dovey stuff that happens but I do okay. It isnt a dream of mine just a way to get out of the house and some extra cash.
My mom has been over me in a sense my whole life and we lived with her and she has lived with us most of my marriage. I am sort of forcing her away so that I can be my own woman and mother without her input. Seems very weird because i always throught of myself as a strong woman who didnt need anyone. I see now that I was dependent on my mom in some way or another and she did tell me what to do. Weird enough I listened without flinching in a way too.. I guess I grew up to always do whatever I had to do for my family and I was still doing it but for the wrong family..
It is hard because I dont have my H and my mother is gone too but I am growing personally every day by leaps and bounds. This is a huge 180 for me and I like who i am and who I am becoming more and more.. I told my mother this weekend that she needed to find another place to live if she could. In a nice way of course and every suggestion or negative comment she gives gets ignored or verbally disregarded. She still doesnt get that she is trying to control but that is her journey not mine..
For the future how do I plan to keep things going and what do I see? I see me making my choices for my children and myself not for anyone else. If a choice is good for me but someone doesnt like it I have the courage to say too bad!
I like to hunt and fish and these are things we did as a family. I do plan to continue this with my children and myself regardless of who is in my life. I can do these things myself even if I fail it will be all my failure..
I have wanted to travel for work more but I was scared to before because I was a mother and a wife to a H with a busy company. Now I know this is my career and I can choose and now he must pickup the slack that I had to pickup for so long. I will no longer carry all of that burden and if he chooses not to. Ill worry about that then..
He didnt call or check on the kids all weekend but I didnt bother him at all. My brothers called him together on Sat. and apparently he couldnt speak all he did was cry. I found this out by accident while hanging out with my brother this weekend. I didnt pry or ask anymore questions i just left it. My H isnt a cryer but during this process he has shed a ton of tears so I know he is hurting but I cannot help his pain I know that. He sent me a text at midnight to tell me he would pick the kids up this morning he just got back into town and he showed up early.
He wont look at me again though, only quick glances. He leaves the room where I am if he can help it. I did ask him if he had a good weekend and he said yeah it was okay...
So my thinking is that you are right I will do nothing to help the D along however I wont stop it. I dont know if telling him he can do whatever he chooses to do regarding dating is that R talk? Im okay with telling him that I just dont want to add any fuel to his fire..
I know this is a process but I hate that one minute Im good with moving on. Then something happens a memory comes by and slaps me and im back to hoping the man i know and love will come back. I know better but sometimes i cant stop my mind from running around.. I dont call him or anything..
I do pray a lot and even if we end up getting a D and i move on that maybe one day this great man will come back. Also that I will be in a place to accept him..
How do you handle the contact between you and your W when you see her? Does she look at you or act as if you arent even there?
Interesting how you mention you feel your mom is trying to control you...
ergo the development of your own need to control...?
IMO, discussing dating with your W would not necessarily be R talk. Although it is probably something that you would only mention if HE brought up the dating topic. IOW, if he mentions anything about himself dating (hopefully you can control yourself and not react to this), you can simply indicate that you do not intend to date. Period. If he persists, asking for "permission", simply respond with "What you do will be your choice."
Sometime either just before I left or just after I left, my W suggested something to the effect that maybe I should see if the "grass was greener"... I simply stated, very firmly, that I had no intention to see if the grass was greener, as I was very sure it was not. That topic has not come up again.
I have gone as dark as possible with my W over the past two months. So contact has been very minimal.
Prior to going dark, my W varied between open and friendly, to closed and distant. I can say with certainty, that our contact was elastic and dynamic.
What I mean by this is, often my W would be open and candid, and then (likely by some language or action by me), she would become uncomfortable and then move to cold and distant. How this happened was definitely something internal, going on with her.
Yes, if she was open and I was cold, she would move to cold and distant. And yet, if she was open and I was open, she could also move to cold and distant (some internal feeling of discomfort she likely went to).
The opposite could also happen. If she was cold and distant and I was warm and open, she sometimes remained cold and sometimes she became warm.
Very little rhyme or reason. And yes, I could pick up the kids when she was there and she ignored my presence (and then eventually came to talk... or not...) There has been no physical contact, intentional or otherwise, since at best early January. That was cold and disconnected. No hugs, no hand holding, no brushing against each other. If we are physically close and she gets uncomfortable, she definitely moves further away or even leaves the room.
She certainly has her own daemons she is working on.
To be perfectly honest, if she attempted to hold my hand or hug me, I would likely back away. Anything would be (reactively) cold unless I put in significant effort to be otherwise.
Well I had thought about how I would bring up the "rules" i put in place and how i would rescind them. Then if he brought up the D what I would say exactly.. I spent a good portion of an hour reviewing what and how I would say it.
Then I discussed with a friend and she asked me.. Why are you actually going to bring this up? Who does it benefit? If he is going to release himself he wont wait for you to do it.. After I pondered this I decided to not say a thing.
He picked up the kids and brought them home to change for gynmastics and I fixed them a snack. When I asked him if he was going to take them to dinner after he said no he didnt have any $. Which was odd since he had been somewhere all weekend and that costs $ but I didnt say a word. I said okay and quickly grabbed something out of the fridge heated it up and fed the kids. They left..
I worked out and enjoyed every single minute of it and when they came home I fed the kids something better. I told him I needed to talk to him about a few things (financial and kids only) He looked worried. I asked if he would prefer to discuss another time that it wasnt a big deal and he seemed relieved and tired.
He said that he would come early to get the kids in the AM and we could chat then. Later my D5 was upset i think from not seeing him for 3 days and then him leaving for the night and wanted to call. So I called and she had the phone and talked to him for a while and asked him if he would stay the night at our house. He sort of back peddled and told her he didnt think he could do that blah blah blah..
when he came in this morning I happened to be ironing my top and standing in my skirt and bra. Ive lost about 35lbs and I didnt make a big effort to cover up I just ironed and tried to get done quickly. He stood there and talked to me and looked at me for a minute but didnt say anything. I discussed the financial stuff (selling my truck which he always wanted to keep to get another car) and then he mentioned some other company things etc. This part of the conv. was really me moving on and not holding on to our stuff in the form of buying a new car. He moved to the couch and just sat and kept chatting facing my direction and didnt have a problem looking me in the eye. I put on my top while we were still talking and grabbed my shoes and sat down to put them on in the next chair.
I told him he would need to keep the kids a certain weekend all weekend since I would be out of town. He agreed (we really arent on a schedule just when I need him to take the kids he does and he asks to get them here and there).
I kept getting my things for work and he kept sitting and chatting about this or that. He sat that much longer than I expected him too even as I was in and out of rooms he sat there an chatted and waited for me to come back to living room.
I made sure not to pitty him and just listen and was super up beat and looked pretty. Actually I was thinking maybe he was waiting for me to bring up the D or he just wanted see me??? He watched everything I did including how I put on my shoes or packed my lunch.. It was odd for him since he wouldnt stay in the same room with me the day before.
It wasnt until I went in to tell the kids goodbye and kiss them that he got up from the couch. I didnt change my mode at all from the night before Im trying to keep up beat and look happy.
He and I havent touched in weeks and that last touch was me asking to hug him because he was crying. The last time we were intimate was a week before he moved out over a month ago. When things were still being "worked" out...Otherwise I stay away from him and he pretty much does the same. I do catch him occasionally calling me babe etc.. I dont say anything like that I call him by his name and dont say ILY any more.
I know it is a roller coaster and that he may do things to get reactions out of me. I am doing my darndest to keep myself in check and not to react or show him he is getting to me.
**Before I sent this my MIL called me..
Apparently she called my H this weekend and reemed him on not seeing his kids. She sent him text messages that he shouldnt be putting a girl or friends before his kids. He got mad and told her i will stop talking to "ya'll" if you dont quit accusing me. She did clarify that it was just her talking but that made me wonder..
Does he think I am at the root of all of our family calling him? I had nothing to do with that conversation.. Maybe that is why he wouldnt look me in the eye on Tuesday..
Soo another question has popped in my head today.. I am not texting or talking about R with my H. I am only focusing on the kids and financials and doing good about that.
However my other family members and his too are calling him and talking to him about things. Things that are making him mad and or cry.. These are not my doing at all ..
Do I acknowledge this to him or the fact that I have nothing to do with them? Or should I just let it be and hope that he figures out it isnt me?
I dont want to be crucified for something im not doing..
Just wondering.
Today I am doing good.. I havent had any R talk in almost 2 weeks since he told me he wanted a D. I think he is getting curious becuase he keeps messing up about picking up the kids etc.. He doesnt show up on time and it makes me late for work but I dont gripe or anything I just take care of the kids.
I will call him to talk about the kids and he acts like he is getting prepared to talk about our R. Then I dont i only mention the kids etc.. He seems surprised..
I have an appt with a realtor which i told him about so hopefully I can get my house sold. This will remove the connection between my mom and also him having to pay the house note.
So I can make choices for me and not be stuck.. It benefits him to have me stuck i believe.. Our conversations seem cordial but they have been always so i am just living for me and the kids.
I cant read too much into his responses..
I agree with your friend. I would not bring up the "dating" topic. I would only suggest having an answer in case it were brought up.
It sounded like you did a great job "acting as if" when he was over there while you got ready for work. Truly... I'm just any other guy and if there's a woman who is almost half naked getting ready in front of me... Unless it's a relative... I'm gonna be paying attention to that person... but who knows why he appeared attentive to what you were doing or "how"... At least he appeared to "be there" in the conversation. That's always a plus.
I wouldn't worry too much about the "y'all" comment. If he has some issue about that, it's his problem. If you are not complaining about his time with the kids, then he's just making stuff up in his head that he has to work through.
There's nothing for you to apologize for regarding what he may think you have a hand in. As much as it sux, if you acknowledge that you are aware things are being said to him that upsets him, he will think you have something to do with it. Even if you say you don't. So your doomed if you do and doomed if you don't. You're probably best to just leave it be.
I think it's great that you are not getting into trouble for being late to work because your H is "mixed up" about times.
Maybe it was miss typed, but it sounded odd that you said, "...think he is getting curious because he keeps messing up about picking up the kids etc.....
Just an aside on that, would you be worried to ask him to be a little more attentive of the schedule for the kids? While it's nice not to pressure him, it could potentially cause harm to your job. Maybe not... Jest sayin'...
I also think it's great about the truck and the house. Being in control of your own financial destiny is empowering for you on it's own, and it certainly shows your H that you do not need him, financially. While that might not be really important to him, your financial independence would be one less thing he might have thought he had over you.
So he says he wants one. He knows etc.. He said that he would have filed sooner but i said i wouldnt sign. Well I have done the leg work as far as me i know what it will take to file for a D with us both agreeing.
I don't get this^^^. So what if you won't sign? That only delays the divorce. Are you in another country where both parties have to consent to divorce? I mean, in the USA, if he wants one, he can get one.
He doesnt have the $ to file with a lawyer but if i agree to file with him and we agree on everything he can do it. So do I just wait for him to file etc? I just dont even know anymore..
Not clear...are you saying he wants it to be cheaper/simpler so he wants you to agree? If so, is your question whether to go ahead and save some bucks but speed it up? Or to drag your feet and hope he wakes up, but know that it will cost more?
If you are in the US and don't have a lot of assets, the amount you're disputing isn't enough to justify dragging your feet IF IT'S ALL ABOUT MONEY...
but if it's Not just the money, that's different....which is it, and what do YOU want?
I know why he is rushing. He wants to be with other people and not feel guilty anymore which is what i made him feel in the marriage. He has that link to me and cannot move on with out it broken I think..
how do you "KNOW" this^^^?? Are you mind reading or has he told you?
I think I move on and am okay with a D but then it hits me again. Im looking GREAT losing weight and GAL really GAL!!!!! I just have a hard time not wanting my husband and family.
So if i just let him file and come to me but then agree to what he wants that is a 180 from my control.
I'm not sure what you are asking^^^ here. Are you saying the 180 would be such a 180 that you'd do it to possibly get him back
OR
are you saying part of you wants out anyhow, b/c now you look good and the single life doesn't seem so bad?
I know you are lonely. You feel rejected and the attention of other men is appealing. That's not a reason for divorce though, esp when you have kids. How old are the kids?
However I dont want one he knows that already and if I give him a no answer he will wait but I could free him from our RULES about not dating.. I guess that would be more of the same though.. me in control of the scenario...
Wow...interesting dynamic. What's stopping him from dating OW now? You telling him not to?
I dont want the broken man before me I want the man he can be after we heal. I will continue to pray for that and keep that safe in a part of my heart.. but still move on as best as I can.
I wont stop it but I wont encourage it either..
He has said some things about the kids lately that upset me. Like he cannot handle them both together because they fight.. He wants to try one at a time.. I dont know if I should try to control this or allow it.. It isnt fair to the kids
how is this so unfair to the kids? Why isn't there SOME value to them having one on one time with him?
but me controlling the issue is more of the same.
How about you NOT using the words "allow" and "control" AND
you both decide what's best for the kids, with NO other consideration involved?
If he can only handle one at a time, and he says so,[b] for now,[/b] what's the harm in him giving one on one attention with that child?
I think if I allow him to take one the other will freak out.
there's that word "allow" again...
Then Ill just let them call him and the chips will fall where they may.. He cant even think about being a bad dad that makes him cringe...
sounds like a man who cares about being a good dad...
He is shirking his responsibility little by little. He is high on his freedom.. I hope that he enjoys the ride!
Now YOU sound bitter and angry. He cares about being a good dad
OR
he's shirking his responsibilities b/c he's not doing it your way
or as you "allow"...?
Do you see a pattern here? You don't want a broken man but you insist he do it your way
or he's a shirker?
How has guilt been a factor in HIS life? Have you used it in the marriage?
My observation about guilt is that it backfires. Particularly with men, guilt ends up converting into anger at the source of the guilt.
At some point the person trying to "guilt" others, and control (same thing just a different manipulation technique)
will be rejected by those whom he/she is trying to control.
You need to back off big time. Let your h learn to be the man and father HE can be...
Without you judging or grading or deciding his way is wrong...
He'll never learn to manage the kids, one or both, without being on his own with them AND without a "net"....but he's no fool, right?
He won't drive drunk or blow things up with them, right?
So isn't the bonding time they can only fully get with him, without you,
and the surrendering of control itself, worth it to you?
If the kids somehow manage to survive and still love their dad, mission accomplished. (Yes I am exaggerating but the point is still there).
What exactly are you worried about when the kids are with him, and NOT within YOUR CONTROL? Has he injured them in the past?
Have you lost a child to death?
I only ask b/c I am not used to a woman having so much control & fear over her h's (their father) having THEIR children with him, and how and when and all that....
Just need more info before I can offer much advice...
hang in there
It is amazing what you learn from other friends.. I have kept my mouth shut and havent brought anything up since he mentioned the D. I learned he noticed I lost weight and complimented me to a friend of ours and then said well I guess she thinks that is why I left and is doing it to get me back.
I just had to laugh at that comment.. I did find out he has been lying to me for quite a while. Not big things but different things he asked our friend's wife ,who was out with me this weekend, to lie for him. This was before he told me he wanted to leave around March I think. Then last year he would come over to their house and complain for 30 minutes about something I did that showed how jealous I was. She commented how he harped on it for so long and it made her ask her H if my H was seeing someone else.
I may never know the answer to that question and I dont really want to know I guess. I know now that I was unhappy in my marriage and was picking up the slack and was content being unhappy. Sad as it sounds I guess I thought things would just pick back up eventually when a few things changed.
Friday night I went to a friend's house and had dinner and our kids played. Well my H called me like 4times to talk to the kids and then sent me a text. My phone was in my purse and I didnt hear it so it was almost 2 hourse later when I saw it. His last text said that he was putting his phone in the truck and wouldnt hear it he would talk to the kids tomorrow.
Funny enough when I called him back he answered.. He asked where we were and I said at a friends and kept it vague. He talked to the kids and asked who they were playing with and I could hear him ask who they are playing with. They told him and he made the comment that he didnt know them.
The next day my D5 mentioned the little girl's name to him again and he said he didnt know her. My D5 said yes you have been to her house and he looked dumbfounded.
He did make sure to hand me some paperwork he got from an attorney. He hasnt actually filed yet it was just papers like a questionaire to help divide things and a child support estimation papers. I took them from him and smiled and said just let me know when you want to sit down to go over everything. He seemed to be really nervous but said okay and left with the kids..
The realtor also came over and my H walked around with us and told her all these things he was going to do. I just let him talk and shook my head in agreement. So I am doing good and sticking to my rules..
He did show up ontime this morning..
So my realization this weekend was I had super fun on my own. What do I really want to do with myself and where do I want to be. Im working on answering that for me now.. I dont want the man I see anymore and I dont want my old marriage. Im angry at being lied to and that he stopped talking to me and sharing with me and now its too late.
Im letting him go.. I am a woman only a fool would leave and he has validated that for me..
25,
Regarding the D I dont want it. What I want is for us to work together to build a happy marriage and family. I had originally told him I wouldnt sign any papers he brought to me. This was really before I knew how anything regarding a D worked.
To save $ on the cost of lawyers he wants to agree on everything. I never asked for this he has just said the entire time that he is giving it all to me. Both of us understand that If we both hire lawyers it will cost $ we dont have but if we agree on everything it will be much much cheaper..
I dont know what to do here.. He hasnt filed and we havent sat down to sort things out yet. My plan was just to let him file and take things as slow as possible on my part and if it goes through then so be it. He complained I took control of everything so my thoughts were to let him take control of this.
I dont think that I used guilt in our marriage but that is my opinion. Mostly we had a happy marriage and built a nice home in a place he chose on property he picked out. He stopped doing things around the house and left me to do it all. I complained that he was never doing things for the family because of his buisiness. My mom lived with us and was building her house on top of our garage which my H agreed to. She saw me picking up his slack (mowing the yard, working, kids, jackhammering concrete, caulking the tub, clearing land.. the list goes on)While he worked didnt bring home enough $ and slept in a lot or sat on the couch.
I tried my best to get him to help but he just didnt and only when it was a dire need he would fix something. This is normal marriage stuff or communication issues I thought we would get past. At one point I told him that I just needed him to focus on the trash in the house. Just take it out and I would handle everything else but he fell short there. I didnt complain about the trash again after that.. I asked him to find another job a lot since his company was not doing well and he was bringing in less than his guys that work for him. He was on his phone all the time even at dinner for work and would never just leave it even for a few minutes.
My mom was a whole other subject I see where she interfered and was another complaining mouth. I cannot undo what has been done I can only try to do better in the future but he sees no future.
Regarding the kids..
He is not a bad father he just stopped paying attention to the kids. He would fall asleep and wouldnt wake up while they ran round the house etc..This isnt my deal though.. I was abused as a child and am VERY VERY afraid of my kids having this done to them. This makes me super cautious about who they are around and in what setting. This is the thing I worry about them being around a strange person who my husband trusts and doesnt really watch them and bam it happens and I cant protect them. This is exactly how it happened to me..
I trust him but I dont trust who he trusts if that makes sense.. I know he would never intentionally do anything to hurt them but that is it.. he always has good intention..
My H knows this and is respectful of this.. However he has full access to the kids and I no longer tell him anything about them. I dont tell him to make sure of this or that he still just doesnt.. he forgot sunscreen on them this weekend even though I packed it but I didnt complain one bit.
He has been the one to say I want to do this or this. Im okay with him picking them up in the morning before I leave for work. It helps me get there on time.. However he almost never shows up on time and I usually take them on my own and end up late for work. I dont complain or even text him now I wait for him to text me that he just woke up etc..
Im trying hard to focus on what my DB coach told me not to give him reason to validate what he did. I wasnt a bad wife but our marriage did need work and we did need changes in our life. We allowed other people like his dad and my mom to move in with us and it exploded in our face...
Kaffe,
What I meant about him getting curious is that when he doesnt show up on time. First I dont text him or call anymore in the morning to either make sure he is awake or to make sure he is on his way. If he doesnt show up by a certain time I yank the kids out of bed and dress them in a hurry, get them in the car and to daycare by 6:00. Usually if he is late and hasnt texted me already then i wont get a text until after I have dropped them off. I simply reply to his text that our children have been taken care of but instead i use their names.
Now regarding the finances I was pushing for him to add me to his business account at first then this didnt happen. I let things drop because he is talking to me about the $ but he is late late on bills.
He has checks that he gives me from a seperate venture and all he has to do is to pick them up. I need to pay bills with those checks and he was supposed to get them friday before last. Then he said oh he would get them Tuesday but i said nothing more. Then he didnt get them on Friday AGAIN. I reminded him this morning to get them..
How do I get what I need without backsliding? Im on the verge of getting upset very upset and having an outburst.. If he doesnt give me the $ I cant pay daycare etc..
Im trying so hard to give him control of the things I can and he keeps being vengeful. Most everything I can ignore but this..
How do I properly relay what I need about $ ? BTW he has also agreed to give me this money along with the house note. This was his arrangement not mine..
BTW.. the house to him he sees is a burden also.. There is so much he stopped doing and he said that it makes him sick to his stomach when he has to come to the house. I think that other things contribute to this as well like my mom. However she no longer lives there..
I have some 2 x 4s but want to give them as gently as possible...please remember that the more things YOU can change, the better.
try to see it as empowering b/c that's what it is. If you were a perfect wife, and your h wanted to leave anyhow,
then you would be powerless to change. Luckily you have things to work on!
Kaffe,
What I meant about him getting curious is that when he doesnt show up on time. First I dont text him or call anymore in the morning to either make sure he is awake or to make sure he is on his way. If he doesnt show up by a certain time I yank the kids out of bed and dress them in a hurry, get them in the car and to daycare by 6:00. Usually if he is late and hasnt texted me already then i wont get a text until after I have dropped them off. I simply reply to his text that our children have been taken care of but instead i use their names.
I'm going to give you advice you will probably ignore but it's what MY DB coach told me....it mostly worked miracles but it may not do anything for you EXCEPT REDUCE CONFLICT...but that's something.
As for the morning/daycare routine and counting on him to get them--Why don't you just take the kids on a daily basis? If your h shows up on time to help, then thank him for that but don't count on it.
Mornings are not easy for me and he sounds the same. Not his strength and there's conflict about it and a lot of tension. Sounds like it's not worth it to rely on him for this task. Let it go.
Now regarding the finances I was pushing for him to add me to his business account at first then this didnt happen.
Why should he put you on his BUSINESS account? Why would you PUSH for it? If he did not agree or did not do it, you have your answer.
I let things drop because he is talking to me about the $ but he is late late on bills.
Are they YOUR/Family bills or his?
He has checks that he gives me from a seperate venture and all he has to do is to pick them up. I need to pay bills with those checks and he was supposed to get them friday before last. Then he said oh he would get them Tuesday but i said nothing more. Then he didnt get them on Friday AGAIN. I reminded him this morning to get them..
What can YOU do to make sure this happens? How about getting direct deposit? Or picking it up yourself so you don't have any more things to complain about?
How do I get what I need without backsliding?
You learn to get what you need for yourself. Life has tradeoffs everywhere. You stop trying to control him
or get him to do or say what you want. You do it yourself, OR you make arrangements to not depend on him
OR or you let it go.. and I mean LET IT GO, not bringing it up two days later. So lose the anger...at least in front of him. NOT helping your situation at all.
Im on the verge of getting upset very upset and having an outburst.. If he doesnt give me the $ I cant pay daycare etc..
Control your temper. Find a healthy way to deal with it. You have to manage this. It's a form of bullying to blame someone else for your temper tantrums.
Please, this is NOT healthy or acceptable behavior for a w to show a h, (or your kids for that matter)...
You sound mostly stressed and angry at him and I'm pretty darn sure it shows in how you treat him.
That is NOT helping your situation. DBing is about doing what helps and NOT doing what hurts the M.
If you truly do NOT want a divorce, YOU MUST STOP THE COMBAT.
Like most husbands, yours wants peace in his home.
Im trying so hard to give him control of the things I can and he keeps being vengeful. Most everything I can ignore but this..
I don't know where you are giving him control^^^ over much except
you are giving him more tasks to do and
that's more control from YOU assigning things to do for him. Do you see how that can be seen that way?
How do I properly relay what I need about $ ? BTW he has also agreed to give me this money along with the house note. This was his arrangement not mine..
So he's giving you MORE than he needs to?
So you do have enough?
Otherwise your question seems to be
how to ensure that you can count on getting a specific amount from him which you can count on...
either he does it b/c you agree to, and you're both adults OR you
get direct deposit from his account to yours, and YOU do the legwork for this arrangement yourself
and then have him sign and agree
OR have a court order for it. That's the only way to MAKE SURE it happens that I know of.
BTW.. the house to him he sees is a burden also.. There is so much he stopped doing and he said that it makes him sick to his stomach when he has to come to the house.
of course^^^^. This happens a lot and it's overwhelming to him b/c HE is the one who has to do it all apparently...no wonder he's depressed about it. I have been in the same position.
It gets very overwhelming and you end up wanting to sell it and leave or just walk away...just to be free of it and be able to relax when you come home, and
Not have, instead, just MORE and MORE to do and a wife who is so unhappy about every "failure" of yours. While all around you and in your face you are surrounded by symbols of undone projects...more failure...and more "feedback" from your w who also thinks you are not doing well as a father too...
This situation was a recipe for his feelings of failure and desire to leave, imo.
I think that other things contribute to this as well like my mom. However she no longer lives there..
I'm sure that didn't help. He probably felt you should have stood up for him to your mother
and kept her from openly criticizing him in his own home and with his children and wife around.
And he has a point.
My DB coach gave me advice that was hard to take at times. Like Mother Teresa hard, but it was worth it.
1) Lose the anger. At least in front of h. Being angry at him only validates his reasons for leaving. "W is such a bit#@" "can't wait to leave, she always nags", etc...
2) Counter his negative images with positives. If he says you have a temper, be Ghandi!! At least in front of him. Do not talk about your changes, just make them. Show non controversial things like how great the kids are doing what fun you all had, how YOU are GAL, and DO SOME 180s...
what are your 180s? What are your GAL? Have you read the Div Remedy books?
3) Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does. This can be hard! But it helps so much b/c it encourages them to do more positives and not
associate you only with negative messages.. THANK HIM FOR WHAT HE DOES OR CONTRIBUTES TO IN EVERY WAY...IF HE MOWS THE LAWN, BUT RUNS OVER A FLOWER, THANK HIM FOR MOWING THE LAWN...
it's all well and good to say you don't want a divorce but if all your interactions with him
are mostly negative b/c you are consistently dissatisfied with him, then it doesn't look like someone who wants to be married...at least not happily.
4) Decide if you want to be "right" or happy.
Hang in there and good luck.
Well his major things were that I made him feel bad about himself and i controlled too much and my mom living with us.
He agreed to have my mom live with us and build on our property.
He wanted our large property and the house we built. In fact he selected the lot and we worked together for the plans etc.
I supported him to create his business and stayed at my job really far away for insurance and a better income. He stopped working on anything around the house unless i had an all out fit. From mowing the grass, caulking the tub I even had to jackhammer concrete that he didnt get to it. So I picked up all of his slack and yes I did complain but he would agree to do something and just never do it. I told him when he chose not to do something it just meant I had to do it. His company wasnt bringing in money and I had requested he look for stable work.
I think all married couples go through things like this.. However now i find out that way before he started telling me he wasnt happy he was going out and lying to me about it.
The bar all the time and then telling me he was working and asking friends to lie for him etc. These things hurt since he may have been cheating and may be with someone now but I have no real evidence. So I will not think about that unless it does hit me in the face otherwise ill go crazy.
Regarding the kids he wants to pick them up in the morning. I am actually late if I have to drop them off since i drive so far to work. So him picking them up and taking them is for both of us I guess. However it was his request to do this so he could see them every day and have his time with them.
The money is all of what he wanted to do. He agreed to pay the house note until the house sells and give me the other money for bills. I cannot afford the house on my salary alone so if he doesnt pay what he agreed to pay then I will lose the house. I know he doesnt want that in fact he wants me to take the proceeds and buy a new house for me and the kids. (his words)
Regarding his bank account for his company I was on his account before he got a partner and i got removed. Then he dropped the partner and he was going to add me to it before all of this. I requested to be put back on there because just like our joint account is both of ours so is his business. He did agree to add me to the account and gave me no complaints but it never happened. Then he told me he wanted a D and I now realize the bank account was a way he thought i would track him. What and who he was doing it with.
My worry is that we dont have $ to get lawyers to create a maintenance type of order legally. If i do that Im worried it will push a D much faster and I want him to put that off as long as possible to give him more time to breathe. He does talk to me about $ and opens up about his company when he does and I just listen. However if he doesnt start giving me the $ I may have to do it to secure what I need.. I will work out to get the checks on my own from now on.. the company doesnt have direct deposit so that doesnt help.. Im trying to be patient and not needy at all!
When I say I get angry I dont ever get angry at the kids or him like you are thinking. I mean my mind runs and I just have to calm down before I can actually think of the proper things to say I guess its all mental for me. He and I were never screamers or fighters we pretty much had a happy marriage and did tons of things together as a family and laughed a lot until recently.(obviously there were issues I didnt see) I do see where our communication stopped I got upset and felt I had the lions share of our family duties and he only had his company.
He felt like he was working for his company and i made him feel bad for not giving his family more.
I dont call or text him at all anymore unless it has to do with the kids or the $ if it is dire. I occasionally talk to him about light things when he is at the house which has gotten better. He will now sit down and look me in the eye and actually chat.
He had someone pressure wash the house today as he said he would do. I made sure to communicate to him how great the house looked and how thankful I was. My friends actually say Im way too nice to him. I used to offer him breakfast or dinner if he was there and it was ready, I no longer do this.
GAL.. Working out is a big one for me. I started going country dancing which I LOVE to do with a group of friends. My friends are all couples and I can dance with their husbands and be worry free of other men. IM actually thinking about taking more lessons and possibly doing a little competition. Im connecting with old friends that I talk to on occasion but now Im actually seeing them.
I started to bartend weddings for a little extra money with my best friend since 6th grade and she and i have a ton of fun.
I have also talked to my boss about making BIG changes to my job. Adding more travel to my work and making my career more in consulting which I was avoiding before.
There are more things I want to do but they will come I feel like I have a very full dance card right now with me and my kids.
I see my H hurt he isnt doing well with his company and he is going out a lot. I always find out on accident by his comments he was out all night drinking but I never acknowledge it to him. As far as he knows I think he was at home all night.. I have also noticed that he has started to fish again which does make me happy for him as we used to do this together.
I realize now that I was not happy in my M and I just stuffed it down and thought it would heal itself. I do still want my family and I understand and see my part in all of this.
I have read the books and had a few sessions with a DB coach. She did get onto me for the same things you pointed out but those are already past... I can only now take it day by day and do my best to stick to the my list from my db coach.
Ive done very well I think in the last 2 weeks considering i was backsliding a lot at first. I dont tell him anything anymore I ask and if he says he will do something I never depend on him..
The only exceptions I am making is for the kids and the $. I feel like if I take the kids when he doesnt show up and I dont throw a fit or complain that is a 180 for me. Plus he has to deal with his own guilt of wanting to take them and asking to be there with them and not getting himself up. My boss is okay with me being late right now he knows what is happening but if that changes i guess Ill have to change my stance..
He is noticing my changes i think by his small positive reactions. (im not getting too excited dont worry) but I have noticed that since Im not focusing on him im less stressed. I just depend on me and I get more done and have more time..
I am focused on a bright future for me and the kids.. The details of that will fall into place..
okay so now i really got upset last night.. I cried and just was really sad.. by myself of course not to my H. I have a program on the home pc that takes screen shots to monitor my son's activity. I was checking it when I got home after he used the computer and found my H came over while i was at work and used the computer. Him using the computer is no big deal.. The big deal is that the screen shots showed he was checking out other girl's social media pages that are not his friends and from our area. He is meeting them now I guess while going out.. Then I noticed he had gone to his profile and went to the marital status page three times in a 2 hour period. He would go and it would show it there for a bit and then he would do something else and then go back like 30 mins later.
That makes me think that he is pondering making his change from married to single. Im sure his new found freedom is challenged by his social media status when other women check him out. It did also show him going to my page.. He checked out EVERY new friend I had which one was male but was work related. He also looked at my pictures on the pages and even old pictures.
I dont know it just upset me because i wasnt expecting it at all. I mentioned none of this to him and am continuing to move onward with my plans and made sure to be happy when he came over today. I know he lies about things still to me but I ignore that and try to be happy..
I believe this is a sign he is conflicted since he didnt change his status.. I think he wants to.. I dont know that this means he is with these women but he is surely thinking about it.
He also looked at a family member's page to see if they posted anything about us I guess.. I think he was looking for something to allow him to change his status..
It is just hard to swallow being left behind.. I understand his path doesnt mean that I am at fault or that anything is wrong with me but it sure hurts like that!
Im feeling strong when I am detached but when I let any light of hope into my heart the pain begins..
Im sad for him also because I know he wont find what he is looking for in these random women but that is his journey...
Still working on me and accepting my responsibility for my part.. that is all I can do besides pray..
So tonight i realized there was another link to the town where the OW lives. I remember a receipt from the town of th OW that was odd with a client name written on it. My H doesnt do work there and neither does the client on the receipt but at the time i didnt know what to make of it. I was trying to DB so i didnt question it i just put it with all the receipts..
Now im wondering how long has he been talking to this OW? Is it an EA that turned PA and is she the dang reason he chose to stop working on us.
Just makes me cry! my mind has started to race again and now the heart flutters,eating and lack of sleep are back..
I havent said anything to him at all.. Our kids are uptset about moving and crying and he sees NONE Of this. He is off with friends or the OW..
Now im just plain angry at him.. Shame on him for doing this to his family and his babies.
Tonight I just dont get it.. I want him to have to cry like I do when he sees his children crying! I want him to feel the pain of knowing he cannot stop the pain for his kids.. I know he might be hurting but in no way do I think he feels what the kids and I feel..
I think it's telling that he checked all your info and the men in your life...
very interesting. He's clearly not indifferent to what YOU are doing.
So how can YOU be a bit more myterious?
What more can you do about GAL? And 180's that you can DO, rather than simply "not reacting" the old way...
Finally, while your pain is not presently matched by his, don't assume he's not in any pain
and don't spend your energy on wanting to punish him.
That's not our jobs as spouses. Tempting, God knows...but Life teaches them the lessons,
not us.
Besides, any punitive action by us only serves to validate their reasons for leaving b/c
by punishing, we "prove" they're right about the negatives they believe about us...
You're above that. Be a woman of dignity and strength in the face of the betrayal.
and
Be a woman only a fool would leave.
Keep at DBing b/c it hasn't been long, although
I know for you, it's an eternity. Still, go as long as you can even when you feel like quitting. I know we all have our limits...
but I felt it was better to go a bit too long than to end a bit too soon.
And I'm glad I did.
Well he has fully pushed my limits and i have completely lost it. I discovered that he in fact has been seeing someone from the very beginning. Which in itself i could handle well as much as you can handle that.. however he changed his fb status and unfriended me and my friends.
I was humiliated.. he hasnt even filed for a D! Then I discovered that he took the OW around our children. IT wasnt until I layed my cards on the table that he admitted it. He has been lying about everything. and i mean everything..
Ive been so nice and friendly and open and helpful even with him getting the kids.
Im done done done done done done.... We are sitting downt divide up our assetts on paper this morning.
He cried and swore he would never do that to our children again.. I have no more belief or faith in his words at all. I will continue to db for me but i wont be a doormat anymore.
I packed the rest of his clothes up and put them in trashbags at the front door. He can take them all.. I need nothing more of him here i am letting him completely go!
The things he has done to me make me so angry and hurt and the whole time i have been dbing he has taken advantage. Im trying to rise above but right now it is so hard! Now i know why he wanted a D so bad his new OW must be awesome for him.
I'm going through the exact same thing - he led me on for 5 weeks thinking he was trying in MC, and whole time he had OW waiting in the wings. I feel for you.
Girl,
It is amazing how I can see the guilt when i look back. I thought that he might have someone but I tried not to let that get in the way since I didnt know for sure.
Makes you sick to your stomach since you tried and tried and never had a chance! Im sorry for your situation I know it hurts and there really arent words to describe how you feel.
Its funny because I was a woman only a fool would leave but then I have since become better. So now I am more of a woman that only a fool would leave..
So why do I feel like the fool?
So today I see how I am up then down.. It is like im bipolar and I feel crazy! I still want my marriage and told my H yesterday that we could still salvage what is left. I did clarify that I was not begging him back etc but that no matter what has happened I want what is best for the kids.
Even now he can sit and talk to me about his company and problems but he cant talk about anything else. Why is that? He will tell friends what he thinks but not me. To avoid confrontation? Im not giving him confrontation.. Well except for when I found out he was having an A that was major for me.
How do I complete the custody and D stuff the way he wants (amicable and cheap) without forcing him to tell me what he wants?
He doesnt speak up and then blames it all on me. Just like our marriage.. I told him that I cannot read his mind and asked if he could please tell me what he wants.
he was supposed to arrive early today before the kids got up and then we could discuss custody. Very important and we even discussed that he would be there and not be late. I did text him at 5 he was getting up according to his reply. He didnt show up AGAIN.
How am I supposed to compromise with him at all if he cant keep his word on a small thing? Is this is tactic for justifying his actions AGAIN? It was about the kids not me can he not seperate the two? I didnt complain too loud I just requested him to let me know when we could meet and that I would just take the kids..
Why do I feel like he ripped out my heart and ran over it about a hundred times? Now I wonder if I am more sad because I couldnt fix this marriage or because im losing him. I sometimes believe it is not the latter.. Which makes it even worse.. Was I really married to someone I didnt know at all? Who didnt know me at all?
Well i had a session with Jody yesterday and it made me really think. She asked me what I wanted and now I just dont know. Im angry about the A and all of the lies that I realize from over the last few years. Has he had other A that I am not aware of? I used to trust and was naive even though I saw signs there was no proof.
Ive been too harsh with my words and not strong enough on my boundaries. He has been running over me in a passive aggressive way.. I have also started to carry a notepad around with me and whenever i ask him a question or request anything I write it down. Make a note of exactly the date and time he said X and he would have X done or whatever. This way when he forces my boundaries I can go back and look at what he said and remind him exactly. I think this allows me to make him not give me vague times and dates and write down and show him what he said.
My friend told me this weekend that I was more like my old self than she had seen me in forever. Like I was in highschool happy and enjoying things and not stressed and burdened all the time. Im free from the stress and burden that I picked up from the marriage..
I know that I dont want the liar I see and I dont want my angry marriage. That doesnt meant that I dont want to try to save my family but I wont do it alone it requires effort from both sides and forgivness.
His R with the OW will hit rocks eventually and who knows he may move on to another. Eventually he will have to go through the phases im hitting but i believe he will put that off as long as possible. Or who knows he may be able to stuff that down for years and years..
I wont sit and wait. I want my happiness too whatever that means to me I have to figure out with my children..
Im still sad and re-hashing everything that went on I guess that is part of the process. I cannot change it but I can change me..
Enjoying every sunrise and creating hope for me and the kids.
I seem to flip flop a lot now. I was hopeful and sad yesterday after a good weekend being nice to each other. Then this morning he was telling me he was going to have to move. He doesnt have a lot of $ so he was trying to figure out where to etc. Not sure if he was trying to get a reaction out of me or what but i just said okay.
I kinda wanted to say well you could live in your own home but I didnt. If he wanted that then he would have asked and I see that he just doesnt want me. That is okay.. I dont think he is seeing that OW anymore or at least not as much as he was. Doesnt really matter anyhow he did what he did and I have to accept that. Maybe he did that to end our marriage or whatever..
I feel like beating my head against the wall somedays because it seems i cant think about anything else. Ive been so gung-ho about saving my family and it hasnt worked. Not that i am regretting anything especially db'ing because it put me on a track. A track to a new me that I am very proud of.. Healthy and happy..
I think the thing I cant get over is the draw to be near or physically touch someone I love. Im working on moving on as much as I can.. Praying to let go of the burden of trying to save something that someone else has let go of....
Why is this so hard for me? Why cant I just move forward and stop looking back and wanting all of that hurt back?
I knew it wouldnt last long.. I should brand the way I feel today into my head.. Why do I allow my boundaries to be crossed over and over again? It is like I am just welcoming his button pushing with a big red arrow pointed to me....
He was supposed to take our kids to their activities last night. When I arrived home he was there with them asleep on the couch and the kids were running around. He didnt feel well so i finally offered to take the kids and he agreed. He said he was going to go home and sleep.. Well I checked the computer after I got home pretty late and bam.. I discovered that he had been blowing what little $ he has at the bar and going out to eat. This from a man who claims to not afford gas or groceries etc. The amounts werent small either they were large enough for two people to be going for drinks and dinner...
Then I noticed that he had also looked up movies for that night to go see.
so he is blowing money while not having enough to pay me for our bills. Then he lies about not feeling well so he can go to the movies on his night with the kids.. I was infuriated!
This just proves I need to stop allowing him so much slack and put concrete boundaries up. I made him tell me today a day of the week to get the kids. The same day every week not just whichever day he choses at random and then changes later.
Now I know he is still lying to me and nothing has changed. He was being nice after I implemented my first boundaries so I have to keep him at arms length.
I still wonder if seeing him every day isnt causing me more stress. he comes to get the kids every morning which will end soon for school so that will help me.
hi there,
sorry this stinks so much for you. You're still new to this in that you are still "Discovering" hurtful things, so it's very fresh.
I think seeing him daily is extremely difficult and stressful. It also doesn't give him time to miss anyone and puts you in the position of having to deal with him on a daily basis. Wouldn't it be nice to know for a few days you were NOT going to have to face him?
Plus it makes your changes easier to make and then more noticeable for him, I think.
Try to imagine your life without him but b/c he died. Imagine some time had passed and you had grieved enough to move on. Imagine you are happy, and how that looks. WHat are you doing? Who are you with? Where do you live and which new activities might you have taken up? Get detailed and visualize this...
Now see that the difference is that he left you and you feel rejected by him and that's why you are having a harder time imagining a happy future. But that's ego.
Hey, we all have them! Egos are real and not to be trifled with. But they are also things we can learn to manage. You have to remove that aspect from your take on the situation.
So, if you are going to measure your own happiness or misery, by what HE is doing (or what you imagine him doing)
then your happiness will be controlled, exclusively, by him (or your perception of that). Do NOT Allow that. Be in charge of your own happiness and model that for your kids. They're watching you more than you realize.
So don't let what HE is doing determine your happiness. This means boundaries.
Such as maybe He gets the kids one day a week and it's a set day unless he gives you 24 hour notice. If that fails, you note it and tell the L.
This will matter financially.
I agree he still seems to want it both ways. Feels some guilt but is mega selfish right now. The movie thing and ignoring his time with the kids...wow, yes that would infuriate me.
But showing HIM your anger only makes it easier for him to leave/stay away.
FWIW, not all dads are great dads. If your h was an involved dad who played with the kids or coached or was "into them", the type that my h was/is (when he wasnt away) made me realize he would miss the kids.
And he did. I could not always tell b/c he did not talk to them each day but I believe that he ached for them but YET he also stayed away, (mostly) for 2 years. For his "task"... very hard to decipher but I knew it was out of character by a long shot.
Today it's like he wants 24/7 time with them and frankly it's annoying. God forgive me for saying that, but it's true. It's as if he wants to make up for his absence, and he does, but now they're older and don't feel as interested and he can get demanding about what activity to do or too pushy, etc. ANd he gets angry when we are not all on board with his plans.
Constantly wants "family time" and I have been with the d14 (we're close but still) all day so um, I want a warm bath and a place to read...ya know?
My oldest brother (I have 5 brothers) is the opposite. He had ONE child whom he seemed to adore, but after the divorce he instigated from a great first wife whom we all loved, he moved away 500 miles for a job. He'd fly up to see his d but always managed other business meetings too....(BTW, the ex wife, the former sil of mine, is still close to me. And she is happier now with her new man of 10 years, than she ever would've been with my brother. Truly. Her "new man" was far more of a dad to her daughter than my brother was, So go figure.)
At another niece's wedding, I toasted a different brother, for being such an involved father, for really "showing up" for his child and I toasted who his daughter had become. You know, The older brother did not seem to notice a thing... it will NOT occur to HIM, that he was an absentee father. And guess what?
That oldest brother remarried 6 years ago and he's 57 y/o now and HIS new wife (of 6 years) is pregnant with their first child.
And what is my oldest brother, the absentee father doing with his second chance? Well, he's volunteering for his 5th SOLO assignment overseas. Yep. He's getting a 2nd chance at fatherhood and still blowing it. The rest of us, his siblings, just stare at him...what's to say? He isn't into it. Sorry...and yes his new wife was warned, trust us. it's her first and only child so I wish her and the baby well but she's essentially going to be a single parent. Sad but true. My dad wasn't that involved with us as he worked a lot and read all the time at home.
But he was home...
so I can't even explain my oldest brother to you...but if your h isn't the giving, playing on the floor type, then he isn't...
Maybe seeing your h's flaws as they are, will help you with detachment.
Detaching is a huge step you have to take so his actions don't affect you so much. Besides, you assume his times away from home are all fun. At some level you know what he is missing even if he doesnt. But a lot of men react to guilt with anger at the cause of it. Remember that. Guilting him will backfire on you.
Sometimes, I wonder if it matters when they don't know what they are missing. They don't know what they don't know. But we do. We get so much out of participating in our children's lives than they will or can ever know. Someday when your child marries, your h will show up and ponder...
if you get a chance watch Last Chance Harvey and listen to his toast at the end, at his daughter's wedding. I found it bittersweet and touching (and not a comedy btw...) It's like he finally got it, almost too late. And he realized that the stepfather was the "real dad" even though he adored his daughter. His job was too big in his life.
Back to you-
I know that Setting/enforcing the boundaries (without anger) will help you a ton with this. Tell him when/where he gets the kids and if he blows it, let it go.
He'll pay more money and look like a jerk in court. Try to protect the kids from having too many dashed expectations. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
It's a start.
Good luck!
25,
Thank you so much for your response! I havent logged on in a while for me I guess i kind of feel like im in a different place. Then I realized today as i was crying at my computer that I get a lot out of reading and helping on this site. No matter my outcome..
I set my boundaries with the kids and gave him an actual calendar with times on it. This has helped I also enforced a specific day of the week for him to see the kids and he agreed when i told him that I needed to plan.
Ive also put in place that he must stay with the kids either at my home, his mom's or a family member's house since he has no place for them. Absolutely not allowed to stay with a stranger or his OW. He agreed and is abiding by this.. His last weekend he stayed at my house with the kids and I made it work and stayed out of his way. Im out of town this weekend but he is staying with his mom and a relative that like a lot.
I think these are all good things for the kids to be around family and also for him. Maybe it will help boost him a bit as he is really down since his life is taking a dive.
I would agree for sure that my ego is taking a beating and im having a hard time dealing with that. I dont know that i miss my husband.. I dont recall what a great man he was to me he was a shell with me and the kids. We were intimate and hugged in bed so i guess that is what i am missing. The intimacy of another and the feelings you get from that. Along with the rejection makes for a bad day sometimes..
My C is helping me a lot she told me that my H was a passive man and I was an assertive woman. We fit but he became who he is now and was probably not as assertive in the beginning. I see now I am more myself that when we were married which happens of course.
So weirdly i feel confident in myself and my identity as a mother. The wife part is all in question now and must be reviewed to internally repair.
Im going to watch that movie ive seen it on TV but havent taken the time. I have hope for my life and believe that God has a greater plan for me its just somedays hard to keep 100% faith and happy.
I have a lot of really great friends who are helping me out and check on me often.
Today my H came to pickup the kids in the OW car since his truck had a flat. I told him at first the kids couldnt ride in it and he pretended not to know why. Then i told him i knew who's car it was and he didnt say anything. Then i got ahold of myself and realized how petty i was being and told him to just take them in the car. I realized today that I miss having him as a failsafe if you will. He was my safety shoot on a parachute except that he was a dummy shoot. NOt really there for me and the kids..
I did go and buy a new car this last weekend when he was out of town. I traded in my paid for car that was really really about to go and got something economical for me and just all around better. It felt good to make decisions on my own and only have myself to answer to for it.
My counselor told me to not call myself aggressive which has been something given to me at work. I was termed aggressive by an old boss when I told him exactly what I wanted with regard to a new promotion and salary. So I am no longer aggressive since that is more of a negative tone about it.. I am now assertive which is something I am very proud of for myself.
I wont let you roll over me or take advantage of me if I can help it.
When I look into the future to see me being happy I just see me with my children. Us in a home that I am responsible for and the kids are happy. Then on my weekends with out them Im having fun with friends and possibly a love interest. However I dont seem me mixing anyone with my kids in this happy future. With regard to him I just see him picking up the kids and that is it.
My H wants to be a great dad and in some ways he is. He is getting better about his time with them but he has his own demons. His father was not around and didnt pay support and he doesnt want to be that man. The really really sad thing is he is headed on that path pretty clearly..
We had a R talk the other night for the first time in a long time. He brought it up and he told me i treated him and spoke to him like a dog. This is so not true!!! However it made me realize that no matter what i do he will find a way to twist our marriage. I wasnt abusive or i didnt scream or cuss at him or say mean things etc.. I just asked for what he wasnt giving..
We exchanged theories for a while and he and i both listened. In the end I didnt beg him back or ask him back at all. It felt good..
So no matter what ive changed and gone through he hasnt changed or gone through anything to move him in the right direction. I know that now and realize my efforts have been futile for the marriage.
For me the efforts that I have given have brought me to a great place. Im healthier and happier with myself (minus the D stuff ) than i have really ever been. That brings me more hope!!
So no I have stopped crying while typing and realize im headed in the right direction.
It makes me happy to hear about your ex SIL finding someone who made her extrememly happy. This also brings me hope that one day when I am ready it will happen..
Thank you for your words! I appreciate it!
Wow...progress noted!!
Well done.
So I havent been in a while and thought I would pop in and update everything. The D is filed as of 8/17/11 by him. He filed alone (we agreed to go together) and left the paperwork on my bathroom counter. He didnt tell me or leave the papers for 3 days.. So now it seems his family is getting his sad side of the story and i am the bad person. I caused the breakdown and forced him into leaving and adultery. I know the truth and have since stopped all communication with his family except for a few members.
I have limited contact with them to only a few things. I started a Divorce Care class yesterday and wanted to cry the whole time. As happy as I think I eventually will be I think the wounds are so fresh they really hurt.
I no longer see him every day, only for regular visitation. I have put my boundaries up with visitation and made a schedule. We have agreed on everything for the divorce so it should be failry easy and cheap. This is his major concern..
I can look back now at the events and see that he would have never done anything if I hadnt forced. I dont mean this in a bad way towards me but that he was content chasing the OW and living at home. He didnt come clean until I forced it out of him. So I believe he was securing his new relationship before completely snapping ours off.
For example he didnt tell me he actually wanted a divorce until after he slept with her. (he admitted this after I told him I KNEW the date). He didnt tell me we wouldnt work until after he spent a fun filled weekend with her and had pictures.
I am trying very hard to let go and to forgive etc but every day is a challenge. I am praying that my classes will help me work through that. I an relying on friends to keep me busy and to help me work through my pain and hurt.
I do have good days and love spending time with my children. Praying for my own healing and that the father of my children will still provide emotional and financial support for his kids. I also pray that he walks the path he needs to walk and learns the lessons put before him.
So today i thought i would post an update.. I dont come to this site very often but feel it has given me the most support i could have ever asked for. My divorce was final 11/22/2011... After that I didnt get any child support until Feb. Recently had to file for bankruptcy in order to keep my house and my ex is now engaged to the OW and living with her. Oh and she was a stripper when he met her..
Now that all of that is out of the way I can say that I have not been this happy in a long long time! All of the things whirling around me that seem jaw dropping dont seem so bad. One of my good friends recently told me that I was the strongest woman she has ever known.. Funny thing is that I think the same about her! She was able to save her marriage..
I now am in control of my life and my children's lives as much as I can be. While my ex is still lying about the color of his shirt so to speak .. I am getting my independence.. I found a journal the other day from 2009.. It was a huge eye opener as to how many stressors i had on me and was furious about. My entire journal entry was about how my ex was not helping or being the man i wanted.
I in no way regret trying to save my marriage.. However the loss of my marriage has also given me closeness to GOD, the ability to be a better mother and the ability to be happy with myself.
So i now recommend these books to just about anyone.. As well as the counselors! I tell anyone i talk to that it will either save their relationship or save them in general.. Either way it is worth it!
So my days arent perfect and neither am I but I am thankful for every day and Divorce Busting!
Wow, I just followed your story from July 2011 to present. I'm really happy for you. I consider you a success story and wish you the best...