HI Everyone...
New thread- not sure i want to go to peiceing bc i really am comfy here with you guys- but impretty sure impioecing!
Julia- to answer your question about stages they are
stagew 1) diffuse begative emotions
stage 2) fridnship
stage 3) romance
stage 4) reconciliation/ planning for future/ renewal of vows
i can add more detail later...as the stages are more detailed than this...Jody really outlined a lot for me.
im off to my friends house for a few days...
Be good all of you! PMA! xo xo P
Pisces,
Have a great trip. Do what feels comfortable to you. I had the same thoughts. I actually read some of the piecing threads and some of the ones I read seemed to be worse off then the sep ones....just an observation. Besides I liked how the sep forum made me feel like there was always work to be done.
(((Pisces)))
SO happy for you! Of course there is still hard work to be done, but it's the good kind of work, the work that will make you smile :).
Please enjoy your time with your friend.
ITH
Pisces, have a great time!
Hi Pices
nosing around your thread after seeing you in ITS's ... this stuck out
"i think DB'ing really gave me my strength back to get through anything in life."
Ain't THAT the truth! I use the DB way in just about EVERYTHING in life ... I'm famous at work for saying "what is your specific goal?"
Hey P have a great trip with your friends. I'm sure your H is going to miss you like crazy!
Yay!!! I'm so happy to hear about the good place you're in. Have a great visit w/ your friend...(((P)))
wow- thanks guys !
it was a great trip- my friend is amazing and has a wonderful marriage..so we always love taking about relationships til we are blue in the face! she has 3 kiddos and it was so much fun (and crazy!)..
so H and I communicated a little by text-i said i made it safe , etc. he is friends with her H too ...
on the way home we talked for a bit and it was nice and he said you ant to go in the hot tub when i get home?
ok- he stayed at hour house for the days i was gone and baby-sat our doggie
of course i said yes- he said ok if you are awake - im going in bc my legs are sore (from a huge run)- i said HECK yes im coming in mister
i forgot to wear my bathing suit
so we just caught up on everything...he stayed the night in the guest room and i asked if he wanted to sleep alone or if he wanted me to join him- he said you can come stay with me....so we cuddled and slept (no funny business yet!)..first time he stayed here with me though!
we woke up today and i cooked him breakfast and then he left to go on a long road bike ride...
so i feel we are back to normal...he said he wasnt sure what he was doing later and i said ok- so call me...
he is slowly leaving clothes here and his motorcycle is here too...
yay!
(((Pisces)))
Yay!!! I want to jump up and down for you, but I know things need to move slowly and we can't get overly excited...
That is really monumental that you slept in the same bed together. To be honest I think cuddling says more than sex at this stage.
Leaving his clothes there is also a very good sign. Sounds like yu have a lot to feel good about.
ITH
hey Pisces....AWESOME for you! You shoul be excited...so many positive things for you. So many...
don't forget about us tho!!! :-)
Hey P! Excellent news! I don't think it will be long now!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
Post whereever you like!!!! Keep that LOVE ALIVE!!!!
thanks everyone!
i wont forget about anyone here- may just be on here a little less.
so tonight h is mia- i think he had plans and just wanted to be separate from me...its ok but i am a little bummed .... i at least like knowing where he is... but thats an old pattern and it really doesnt matter.
so ive contained myself pretty well....
on another note i had to tell my dad to back off- he has called me veery day and emailed me daily...i havent returned any of his calls barely bc i cant believe he is so pushy...so today i finally had enough and he emailed- i said thanks for caring about blah blah but please reduce your calls to me- it is pushing me away. there is no way to tell him anything. he reacts no matter how you say anything.
he replied and i didnt even read it bc he is so dramatic and mean.
he is revving up his contact bc he knows my h and i are reconnecting and he cant handle it. now he will throw bombs about my h. my dad is very difficult and i truly have no desire to see him- he makes even 10 minutes together painful. sad but true.
anyway- thats probably why i feel a little more clingy towards my h- so i realize that and i am not acting upon it.
yet another reason i cant wait to restart my life with my h.
he is slowly leaving clothes here and his motorcycle is here too...
yay!
I did a little of this as well. I am still looking for my motorcycle though.......duh I don't have one.
Sounds like things are really starting to click. I am very happy for you.
Has your dad always been anti-H? or has it been since the sep?
hi TD- thank you!
as for my dad-he is anti- everything. He always throws comments around and says nasty things to get a reaction. one day he could say a sweet thing and 20 mins later say a spiteful, hateful thing. very unpredictable.
My H has stayed very disconnected from my dad- they have tried to bond but my H cant stand it bc my dad doesnt listen- just talks. my dad h as tried in his own way...but it always comes with a price.
as for the motorcycle- he uses it for work and also has his own...crazy hobby but he likes anything with 2 wheels!
ps. i agree w you about piecing forum...seems that poeple may jump there too soon or? it is very negative and not promising.
maybe we could create a happy piecing area? ha ha
Perhaps you need to DB your Dad.....lol. He sounds very unhappy or insecure (needing to bring others down, or have them controlled by "things with a price")
I'm not into motorcycles.....they scare me to death....lol
I never did make it to piecing. To me it seemed like they forgot what got them there to begin with (almost like I have humbled myself all this time, now it is your turn to be humble).
I prefer to stay here and remain cautiously optimistic
I don’t think it matters what forum you are in, as long as you view it as a process that has to continue, which I think you do. From what I’ve read, it seems like people that post “too early” in Piecing view this whole thing as winning or losing, and are anxious to win and call it a day.
I think it’s great that you want to set boundaries with your dad for you, and I can imagine how hard that would be. Your dad kinda sounds like my H's dad...difficult to deal with to say the least.
I agree with Lost, I don't think it matters what forum you're in and, from a selfish point of view, both you and TD's stories help give me hope and strength to carry on.
I'm really sorry about your Dad. You just remember what is important to you and stay true to that.
(((Pisces)))
update:
my H and i went to the beach with my doggie yesterday...such a nice day for here...it was great..long walk and not a ton of talking...just calm and relaxing.
cam home- he napped- i worked a bit.
then we decided to go food shopping which was funny bc i havent shopped for 2 people in months..so i was in a weird state at the store and actually took someone elses cart that was half full..we didnt notice til we got to the register- then my H went and found our cart that was half full...we were smirking and laughing with eachother...so funny.
poor person lost their veggies...
then we came home- H rested and i worked a bit...then we made dinner and talked a lot about family stuff again. moving, etc. pros and cons of certain areas.
i said (amongst a lot of other stuff) : " i trust whatever decision you make for us. i know in the past i wouldnt really hear you and i know you are very clear as to what needs to happen. so im open to anything. "....there was more but he looked so sweet and relived and proud when i said that. i needed him to hear that from me. i do trust whatever he wants to do. i am really open to changing a lot right now..it was already happening before all this- so i think this was just a part of it.
i also said i was proud of what he did for a living and that he chose a challenging career but also one that allowed him freedom to have more personal time and live his life the way he wanted with a lot of time off too. he again looked very appreciative and proud.
he said the $ issue is hard bc if we have kids ( i know!!! i cant believe he said that!) then he wouldnt feel too good about his achievements if we get $$ from family so much. ( he did say the kid issue is if we do or dont or whatever in the future- meaning lets not talk about that now)
so that was very deep and powerful.
then we started kissing and cuddling and went in the hot tub and ...... ML!!! for the first time in 4 months- JEEZ louise! it was fun. he he
then he slept here...we both kinda tossed and turned a lot but i was just so happy to have him here- we slept in our bed this time.
this morning he asked me to cut his hair- so cute...
so today i went to classes and said are you staying her tonight? he said something funny which meant yes.
so overall he is very clear. we talked about how life should be fun and enjoyed and now is the time to explore and take journeys. we can always look back later and say wow- what fun was that. im sure there will be no regrets.
so we are both very in tune again. like 2 peas in a pod almost.
i fell very spiritually connected to him.
TD, LOST and JULIA- thanks for the father advice. he is so intense...ive just learned that he i s who he is but i dont need my life to be altered bc he needs so much, which is never enough. i have to live my life and be married for 100 more years.
whew- lots of transitions going on right now!!!
You answered my question perfectly!!!
Congrats on the ML! You're almost there Pisces.
Thanks Jen!- i know it...its such an amazing feeling- but a little teeny bit guarded still..not nearly as much as before- but a little detached.
i dont feel this pressure as much. everything is more natural.
whew. please no more drama. ever.
Oh, there will probably be drama again in your life, but you know exactly how to handle it. I'm so happy for you--you ML and it was a reconnection. Nice, P, very nice.
thanks lost/found :)- drama does exist but you are right- i CAN handle it all!
update! so he didnt come over last night but he texted me last night to say goodnight- i saw it in the middle of the night when i took my dog peepee (didnt reply)...then he texted again to see if i wanted to do breakfast today..so we met for a little and we caught up. i said you are so cozy- i missed you..he said you are cozy too i just didnt sleep well when i was there- i said i know-its an adjustment
i said i just want you to be cozy with me for 100 more years...he smiled and laughed sweetly...he said i just need a little space still. i said i understand... and he got all touchy and sweet after he said that.
i truly am fine with this pace...and its like he has to say those things to create space in his own head and then he feels ok right when he says it. like he wants to be with me and its not about me at all...but he just needs clarity that whatever he is thinking is ok. and it is!
he is training for a marathon which is in December and he wants to qualify for Boston - crazy! and he said we can see a red sox game when we are there! so there is the future talk i once dreamed of! i am sure we will be together forever...he just needs to be very clear as to what he wants for us....ill do anything bc im ready for him to be the leader in our M.
for now im enjoying this time- started classes yesterday- working at home and at the office- playing- exercising- eating well and living a great life!
good deal Pisces.
however....
don't be afraid to disagree with him....and take the lead on things too. You have the ability...and if you want a really equal R, you will need to every once in awhile.
know waht i mean?
but still....
cool beans. Can't wait to hear stuff like that from my W....LOL...
Hi Neil- i hear ya...not afraid to disagree with him at all. ill say yes within reason..but part of what i have done in the past is override his wants. i want him to take the lead to feel like the MAN in our marriage and to be the one to make an effort to do whats best for our marriage as well. he will step up to the plate- and in the future he will have made the decision and cant use it as an excuse to be annoyed at something or blame anything we chose on me...bc in the past i have really railroaded us in certain directions.
he is learning that he needs to speak up too if he isnt happy...
it is good for him to take the lead now- a big 180!
we were together all afternoon yesterday. went on a long walk and i ran for bit of it- he was very proud of me. i can only run a little bit bc of my joints- but this is further than ever. really cool!
after dinner he asked if he thinks we should see a therapist. he said im not worried about us getting along now- but in the future when things get tough i am scared about us going back to where we are. i said ive made so many changes, etc.... and he has too..i also said if we chose fear then thats what we will get in life...i sort of feel like i shut the door on therapy at that point..so i said we can do therapy if you would like and talked about it- i guess i have fears that we will get a bad one. anyway- we sort of dropped it bc he got a bit overwhelmed and said there is so much to think about. his brain hurt...
we came to our house and he spent the night- this time we both slept well...i pinch myself realizing he was there in bed with me. and my doggie at our feet.
he left for work and i peeked out the window and said bye bye..he was in his motorcycle uniform and on his work motorcycle...man- he is SEXXY!
anyway- things are good...we are heading towards being back together...i booked a coaching session for tomorrow bc im not sure how to handle this therapy sitch.
Amazing!
You are a true DB success story.
It's so nice that you're still posting, and I think we all have a lot to learn from you.
Really happy for you!
ITH
Hiya P....
don't worry too much about the therapy thing. if you both go into it with the same goals.....i think that it'll be ok. it will only reinforce what you've been doing...
ya know?
ITH- thank you! it is going to be hard work but not as hard as before...more solutions from now on with everything.
yep- i getcha Neil...in fact this morning i brought it up briefly- i said you just let me know when and ill book an appt..i think it would be good to try it once if you want and see how we like it. he said ok..that he would let me know
also- he has ben pretty snappy but at the same time loving. his snappiness is all about him i can tell. he is testy and uneasy. I used to get very defensive and take it so personally and snap back or get sad or cry. now i just let it roll- ask myself is this about him or me and it is about him. it is truly a transformation for me.
we spent yesterday evening looking at a new neighborhood to live in that he liked- i really like it too. so that was fun...
i think he is overwhelmed with all this. thats fine. he can take whatever time he needs- in fact today he packed up his clothes and laundry ( most of it which wasnt a lot) and said he needs to defuzz..thats his words for space and regroup. i said ok...nicely but quietly. he said its nothing bad- i said i didnt think that and i understand. he said i still have my motorcycle here so ill be here after work- i said ok- im here if you want to cuddle.
so i left it all good- he is just struggling. it was hard for me at times to not snap back or say- what is your deal or something like that. but i didnt bc i now that isnt healthy for me. i have done too much work to be sucked back into the negative realm of life. ill stay positive.
i just used to take on so much of his moods. now im really working on not doing that.
Pisces,
It's great that you are able to detach from your H's moods. I'm sure that he notices this, and it sounds like you are on the way to something better than what you had before. I also like how he reminded you that his motorcycle was there, nice :). It's also nice that he assures you that it's nothing bad. Really it sounds like you have him back for good now.
There isn't anything not to be positive about.
Well done!
ITH
Hi P!
It's all good! In the Mars/Venus book John Gray says men are like rubber bands. That once they've been intimate/close to the woman they love they feel the need to pull back again. He'll spring back again. I guess how willingly we accept this shows how much we care.
thanks ITH and JEn-
good to hear this is natural. i could feel it yesterday. he wants to be with me so badly- yet part of him is still sorting his stuff out. i would leave the room and he'd say where are you going. come here. i need a hug. i could just tell he was getting cranky like a little kid!
i also went swimming in the bay with him yesterday. he went further but had a wetsuit and i didnt! big step for me too that i just do things and dont hesitate! he was really proud of me but more importantly i was SO proud of myself!
Hi P!
Another 180!!! Good for you! Now you need to get yourself a cute wetsuit wink wink
argh!
so i have an update with my nutty family.
last night we were driving down our street and my dad walked out to his car (yes- we live too close and he has other houses he owns nearby so isnt always there- long story)...so we drove by and waved but didnt stop.
my H said now your dad is probably saying what an a-hole i am. i said whatever and didnt even care. i truly need to detach from my dad. (ive been doing it for years)
so today my mom emails me and said is it true that you just drove right by him blah blah about my and his emotions...
i said please do not get involved. i have a sep r with you and i need space from him - as she knows.
furthermore- it is always about my "poor" dad and his needs. i need to take care of myself and my health.
my mom always b!tches to me about my dad and i have to stop her.
what a mess. this makes me want to move today.
and quit now- bc i work with my mom. it is so entangled.
i hate it.
VENT!
(((((P)))))
Just breathe. How you dad feels has no reflection on you. It's his demons he has to deal with. You should read "The Four Agreements" It'll help in times like these.
what is the 4 agreements about?
i have done so much work on my sicth w my dad.
im so over it bc he is just too difficult. it is just easier not to see him or talk with him.
but he is so F'ing pushy!
Hi P
Heres a link to
The Four Agreements
thanks- ill read more later...i think i get some of this and i work hard on it with everyone each day.
"accept me for who i am , who i am not and who i will never be."
i try to do this for myself and my h and everyone.
I just had a session with Jody. she is so amazing. lots of stuff gets accomplished each time!
so i got clear on my job and house with her and steps to take...i feel so much better...she understands my sitch and helped me see that it does all need to change...dangerous connection to my fam.
1st step is to sell house. so i cant wait to start that process. im ready! i just have to calm down until i can talk to my H about it....im sure he will be on board.
then the next step after that is quit my job w my family business..then i can start over in my M.
we can DECLARE our independance in our marriage!
woooooooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
have a great weekend everyone...ill be around.
P
I've jsut caught up with your thread. You seem so clear and that is great. I'm sorry that things with your family are difficult, I can imagine that it must be very difficult.
(((Pisces))) and thank you so much for your insightful comments on my thread.
I just wanted to stop by and give you a hug ((((P)))))
HI Guys- thanks for the hugs
things are really good....we looked at more houses in 2 different locations yesterday...i am just going with the flow...i think it is more a way for him to really feel like we can do anything...im just not reading into too much right now and having fun with it all...
although i am getting a bit anxious to change it all- i am very excited and i have wanted to do this for a long time...
last night after our day of looking at homes we made dinner here - it was so warm and beautiful outside- my H lit candles and we had such a nice dinner...then we talked about everything..not just R...
but he said- soooo- are we meant for eachother? i smiled and said a simple yes. what do you think? some how he turns it all into a joke and said how do we know if we are sexually compatible...ha ha ha.
so later that night - we you know what'ed- soooo nice. very connected...
im still just waiting for him to move home or say he wants to be with me forever and ever....not too far off i think...
one thing that did come up yesterday was he was sort of joking and said- what if we sold everything and moved to costa rica? i said ok...why not? we have one life to live- why wait for the future- we never know what will happen to us...he said...thats what is so great about you- you are open to anything...he also said its good and bad- meaning my excitement and spontaneity...i think it scares him bc i realize you can do anything and change your path - he is a little more rigid in that regard.
anyway- still truckin along- not taking things personally, loving him, having fun and not getting too serious. i havent cried nor do i want to. its all good. no drama. just letting him sow his oats.
he is going to visit his parents next week which is odd- never does that alone- i tin he is going to tell them we are getting back together- bc he is a little concerned with how they perceive him- another growth phase for him..and maybe he wants to talk about something im not even aware of....
who knows?!
things are very good- DB'ing works.....give it time...thats all its about. and love yourself.
xo xo B
P-
i'm so happy for you! Keep it up!
Just got caught up!!!!!
I am so happy for you!! You Rock!
Keep up the good work, I don't think that any one on this board needs to be told that M is hard, but in a way you could be moving into the hardest part. The good news is you are no longer doing it alone and you can now both roll up your sleeves and get to work on each other. Always remember how great this feels so that you will continually be inspired to do the hard work!! Your an inspiration here, and I am so Happy for you
Wow P, that is so great. I LOVE that you just go with the flow, it really seems to be working for you.
Pisces,
Once again you're my DB idol. You make it look so easy! I'm sure it hasn't been, but your posts are always so positive, and it seems like you've been following the DB way all along.
Really well done, incredibly happy for you!
ITH
Very happy for you, Pisces! Keep taking it one day at a time.
proof that my brother (family) is crazy:
i told him we were thinking of moving bc the house holds a lot of neg vibes in it blah blah...my H and i talked about this and he said it would be fine if i started discussing this with my bro. well my bro started screaming that my H is a loser and negative and is dragging me down! this was after my bro called me and asked the real reason why we were moving..he said you are too close to dad, right? i sad yes- that’s part of it. then he went nuts! i was furious and said do not ever talk about my H like that again- he comes above you. i was so pissed i hung up.
then he called me over and over and i emailed him and said im sad for him that he has to say these types of things. he said we are being idiots for moving, etc.
i am sick to my stomach bc it is just so mean. he has no idea what its like to work your ass off for a marriage. no idea. this just gave me more clarity as to why we have to move.
i actually feel ok bc it just so clear. to have this poisonous vibe is destructive.
i obviously wont tell my H ever- but it is just sick. my dad and bro have always had such negative energy towards my H. they really dont like most people anyway. And they spew negative hatred for their livelihood. That’s how they get their way and how they are “successful”.
so sad. get me the F out of there!
i just had to vent here! im shaking.
I think that although out of line your Bros response it totally normal and out of love (over protective love). He has seen the hurt you have been through and wants whats best from you. now that does not mean that he knows whats best or really has a clue what you have been through, but its still out of love. just DB him, and give him his own space to find acceptance. if any on my little sisters where treated as my W treats me thats one dude who would have a few black eyes if not a 1000lb bomb dropped on his car, but that would be my own irrational side like your brothers
hmmmm- i agree it is out of love and i even said im sure you are worried for me...but he cant accept it.
he wants to know where we are moving and why. he said he is not doing anything with the house until i tell him. now i feel like he is trapping me. i said we werent sure and it isnt his choice anyway.
you are right- i have to DB my bro. im trying really hard bc he has a way of getting even the pope to react! thats why i didnt want to get the family issues in there- but he dragged it out of me.
thanks JWS!
so my bro agreed- begrudgingly- that we can go off title and he will keep the house and we will just take the $ we put in.
that is the GREAT news~! but he still wants to buy a house with us and for us which is so generous- BUT- if you see what he is capapable of saying above- that is why that cant happen.
soo overall I am happy this went my way. there is nothing he can say or do that will change this.
now we just have to figure out where to move!
i must say it is a little weird and sort of emotional bc it is a big break from my family. BUT it is what is needed. it is too toxic.
im sure this will all work out. i told my h only that my bro agreed to give us back what we put into the house- nothing more about how crappy my bro was to me. and he replied and said we still have a lot to work out but thats good news. then he told me he was going to dinner w his frind and his new fiance after we had planned dinner. oh well.
im just a little anxiety ridden after this experience w my bro today. he is so upsetting- but im allowing it to upset me.
im going to swim w my H now.
bye bye.
Hey P
I'm sorry that you've been having problems with your B. Do you come from an Italian family by any chance? Some of them down here can be pretty intense and I was seeing some similarities.
then he told me he was going to dinner w his frind and his new fiance after we had planned dinner. oh well.
I don't understand what you mean. Sorry
Hang in there! You're dong so well!
so h ended up inviting me to dinner with them. it was nice....first time with people since we are back "together"... so it went well and my H was actually very relaxed.
im pretty emotional right now. my bro is so mean and then he feels guilty and is nice..then mean. i want him to be my bro and just fun all the time...but he isnt and so i have to see that. it is kinda painful to realize this.
ugh. i just want out of this sitch.
im overwhelmed....then my mom said it will be sad to see me leave the company...she is sweet then unpredictable too.
seriously- im not being a victim. they are very hard to deal with.
it is so enmeshed that i really cant stay. i am sick to my stomach right now. i havent felt this horrible for a long time.
my h and i want to move a couple hours away but we cant do that until his transfer list opens in april...so we are a little stuck until then...but he is coming up with ideas...we may rent for a while...then buy. or buy and he would commute and stay down here for a few days during his work week then commute back up there.
phew...i actually feel better just writing this out.
now my bro wants to put on the market today! yeesh. i just said give me a little time to get the house ready. he is totally freaking out over this...i can see why. he is losing control.
i can also see how destructive this has been in our marriage. the undertone is that my bro and dad are in charge. so i take full responsibility for putting me and my H in this sitch.
never should have happened...but maybe this needed t happen in order to grow up.
who knows....see- there are more issues then just our M's.!
It sounds like control is exactly right. What u & ur H r doing is so smart, unentangling urselves. Generosity can sometimes just be a mask for control. Someday u and me should have a beer & compare notes on ur family & my H's--they sound soooo similar.
Hang in there & keep using ur DB techniques on 'em!
thanks Lost. ugh...family sh*t is so insane sometimes- but only if i let it be that way.
i booked an appt with a new IC for tomorrow...this sitch with my bro is in need of some anxiety reducing measures!
sounds like you have similar sitch w your H's fam...my poor h has dealt with this long enough and he has been pretty patient. i dont know how many people would have stuck around for this long with this mess. have you talked to your H about this at all?
anyway...i feel better now...im just going to take whatever comes at me with PMA and grace. no more yelling. i am sick from the small amount of yelling (raising my voice) back at my bro..i have been so in control and peaceful over the past few months- my body truly cant take that stress.
so ill just let my H tell me where he wants to move and how to do it and we will do it that way! yipee!~
Hey Pisces
I have not posted to you before but have been reading along. I have a question for you about this family drama. My husbands family is a super toxic bunch but he does not see it that way and it has been a major area of conflict between us. Was there ever a time when you let it get between you and your husband? Or have you always been aware of their "ways"? My husband will defend his psycho family and make me out to be the bully in some cases and it drives me insane! I am just wondering if you had an awakening, so to speak, to their toxic behavior or if you always saw it but did not know what to do about it before now.
Kinda random but I'm hoping it can offer some insight into my sitch.
Thanks! And good luck!
Hi Daisy- well yes ive always known they were toxic. but they have ways of being so charming that id "forget" and convince my H to do things like move into a house w my bro....so we both at fault but since they are my family and i know them deeper- i take full responsibility.
also- i went through a phase of depression where i acted just like them- screaming at my h, yelling, angry, etc. we separated for one month ( 1st sep) and i really did change. i mean a 180. i dont think i ever lost it again and that was 3 yrs ago.
my H has basically said for this past year that he has no urge to see my family anymore...i think he feels smothered and that he cant help me bc they are so overwhelming.
so i guess what i see is that ive known they were toxic for a long time, and i dragged my h into this which caused damage, but thank goodness he is back now and wants to star a new life with me. i didnt really know how to get out bc they are very wealthy and i allowed the money to woo me.
he has made it crystal clear that we need major break from my family. so that is a scary part for me as i think i have always used them as sort of an "out" or safety net (weird!).
also- he said he got misty eyed last night when i said im putting all my eggs in his basket again. i think he really needed me to be ok with leaving my family. and make him my #1 priority. no more drama from them into our M.
so all i am showing him is that i trust him 100% to be my MAN.
im sorry you find yourself with this situation. all you can do is state how you feel. if you are sep and want your H back. make sure that part changes as well or he at lest acknowledges it is an issue.
if he doesnt- it will be the same game. and you really need to see if you need that garbage in your life. now is the time to really clean up yur life.
Thanks Pisces
Family drama is so hard to deal with.
I have a lot of choices to make and a lot to think about but thank you for your candor.
Pisces, your strength and will power to change is phenomenal and inspiring.
I hope to live up to your example at some point.
thanks lost!
so lets see......
met w a new IC friday and he is cognitive behavioral- works on changing your thoughts about ideas you have...ie: my family. that was great and i regained my strength to talk w my bro,.
I went to work friday after- my bro is in town...he and i talked...my bro yelled a lot to start - a lot. my mom even did a first- she said you are intimidating....Pisces would be happy to live in a single wide w her H. she doesnt care.
so then we got to the bottom of it all. just my bro and i .
i said i may leave company and want to be with H and start fresh. house is too close.
just need to start over. he said he agreed house was too close. and i felt a relief that he now knows i am leaving the company. that may not be for 6 months for a total separation from the biz- but he was totally ok with it. i was so scared he would freak out at that...but he was actually most calm about that. weird.
so now that my bro knows it all he feels better. he said why wont we take his $. so we talked about why. he said he would set up an acct for us. he doest care. he said you are my only family...i just listened.
overall i feel happy about clearing the air w my bro and realizing he and i have a sep R from my preants. its all so lumped together...
so our house goes on the market today! i made it all pretty over the weekend...realtor came and had photos taken. its ready to go. it may take time to sell- then we'd rent for a while til we figure out what we want to do.
crazy. my bro is so up and down. too much stress for me to have his control with $. i just want to have nice R with him.....
sorry to sound like im ungrateful...i just want a new life.
Hey P! I don't think you're ungrateful at all! I'm so happy that you finally could talk to your bro. It must take a load off of you. I think you're doing the right thing in not accepting his money. Money for some is a way of controlling others and I'd be worried that your bro might try. Maybe when you guys have kids then he can set up an education fund for them??
Pisces,
You are so strong! All I can think of when I see any of your posts is, you made it! I am sure that the family stuff is very hard to deal with, but you have so many other positives :). You went from an H who asked for a divorce, to a new and better relationship. It sounds as though, hell that this has all been, you have gotten so many positives out of it that you wouldn't have had without this experience.
So, when do you and your H officially move back in together?
ITH
(((Pisces)))
I'm so pleased that you sorted stuff out with your brother, I think you will be happier for it. Well done for keeping calm and sticking to your guns. That took a lot of strength IMO, I find it hard to stand up to my family!
Hi Guys- thanks for your sweet words!
The for sale sign went up in our yard just now! im so excited..its like a fresh start already! its also a little sad bc i am really seeing how much i need space from my fam and this is the first step....its emotional but for he most part i feel relief. now we will see if it sells!
ITH- you are so cute...i think my H will be home soon...he did pay his rent on his apt but its only month to month so i would say this week or next week he will put in his notice to move from there! i am not saying anything bc i know it will happen soon! yay!
JCJ- lets see- im 31 and i am finally detaching from my fam..so i dont know what this process will be like and its scary..but its needed..all fam drama is nutso and hard to break our patterns.
Jen- i agree- i already said he can pay for private school for our future non existent kids- he said gee thanks...like that wasnt good enough..but he is so attached t him paying for our life..its so weird. that will be interesting later when he tries to giev us money..i will just have to say no thank you a billion times!
so there it is for now. my H is visiting his parents...so i miss him but he texted me last night to say hi and goodnight...im sure he is relaxing and also figuring his stuff out with him and his fam...no drama there really ...im just catching up with my girlfriends and resting!
smooches! P
hi P
I am glad that standing up to your bro is going well for you. And congrats about the house going on the market. You said that it will take several months for hi
to be able to transfer jobs do you have a plan for if the house sells before that time?
You sound like everything is continuing to go great and that makes me so happy for you. Keep up the great work.
When you get settled into your new place I know a great sand guy if you are interested.
Hey Pisces, I'm so blown away with all the progress you've made, DBing both your husband and now your family! We've gotta get you over to Israel and Palestine, pronto, to help set up a new peace accord.
Wow ,I am so excited for you. I wish I was a better DBer like you. Your progress has been so great! I'm so happy for you!
Chris
wow- such nice compiments!
so i picked my H up from the airport last night and he got to the car and said i need a hug- we hugged and kiseed- it was so cute. i felt like newlyweds! then we went to dinner...one teeny thing happened- he said dont eat too much. now- i just lost 22 lbs with the help of a nutritionist over the last 5 months. i have been on my own eating really well through this "process". one habit he always hd was to commnet on my food intake... so i just made a weird face- he said what was that look for- i said what look- i didnt mean to make it so severe- he was a bit pissy-but i acted as if it wasnt about me- but i needed to tell him how i felt bc he has said a few things about my eating in the last few weeks and i dont like it- especially bc i look great and feel great and i weigh as much i did when we met! so i said-its just when you say things like that it makes me feel like you dont think i can do this and i will slip back into my old ways. i have done this for many months and i know exactly what to eat. he said isnt it ok for me to be worried? i said yes. i just want you to know i will not slip.
then we moved on from that and later in the meal he said sorry for being controlling. (holy crap!). i said you didnt have to apologize, but thank you
so he ackowlegded his bs! woo hoo!
then we came home and he and i were VERY affectionate if ya know what i mean. we gave eachother the googly eyes after ... and he just said WOW. i think an ILY may have slipped out!
JWS- we arent really sure where we will go- bc my H cant put in his transfer until march- then we wait and see...we have some fun ideas but we have to sell our house forst- then we may stay at my bros vacant condo for a hwile (thats for sale too). its kinda fun! the world is our oyster!
Lost- ha ha! you are so sweet...i do feel like this is negotiating a peace accord- maybe you are on the something!
Chirs- glad top hear from you- i am so happy. i really have o fear or trepidation with my h!
thanks everyone for you sweet thoughts and words!
An ILY!!!???
That sounds amazing, really. You both confronted an issue and dealt with it maturely. Also great job on losing 22 pounds!!!
So happy for you,
ITH
maybe- i wasnt sure if he said ILY-- it was during you know what...but its a start! ha ha!
hi guys!
everything is going well. we are learning how to "communicate" better and my H is very into that.
he says things like- i want to make sure we are communicating or is everything ok? is that ok?, etc.
he is very aware of making sure we are on the same page.
i have struggled a bit with wanting to spend all my time with him. we pretty much spend a lot of free time together- but when we arent together- it is sort of a push pull thing where i want my space but i want to be with him too. i know it is good to do my own thing and i have been, its just a balancing act.
he wants to be with me a lot too. sometimes i get scared that he will be frustarted with me becuase he can get pissy and is still dealing with a lot of internal stuff and then i remember PMA and act as if. then everything works out fine. it really does.
he likes to talk a lot! its so funny...he really loves talking about everything..i alomost get overwhelmed from it! this is from a man who is not very open with much (except with me!).....
so overall things are amazing and i am very happy. he hasnt said ILY and still has his apt. i asked why he still had it and he said his saftey net- i said saftey net from what? and he didnt really reply. i just joked and said thats not really committing. so ill drop it and then im sure he will get rid of the apt. also i said ILY a few times- it slipped and i said you dont have to say it back. and he just giggles. so a little ways to go but all good.
we have a lot of transition in our lives right now with our house for sale, my brother and dad trying every which way to get me to react, im back in grad school, im burned out on my job and slowly winding that down. so its all very emotional. i think my H is smart in taking his (our)time to move back in fully (he is at home every night)!!
so as you can see im pretty sure my D is BUSTED! I know we have a life long journey ahead of us of learning and growing and with changes- but my H is home and he is a sweetie pie who just needs a lot of TLC and to be heard. and i just need to say what i need in a loving way too. thats all it really is- realizing we are all on this earth for a period of time and all of our experiences happen for a reason. i know that this for us was a very imprtant process and one i would not like to repeat , but one I look back on as the most important turning points in my (our) life.
please anyone reading this- your dreams can come true, you just have to be patient and love your spouse through their journey and make real changes within yourself.
this is, by far, the hardest thing i have ever done- but the single most rewarding thing i have ever done in my life!
xo xo P
Oh Pisces,
This brings tears to my eyes. Really, I am so happy for you. It sounds SO happy and healthy. Thanks for being such an inspiration!
ITH
Pisces!!! This is FANTASTIC!!! I am so happy for you!! It is great inspiration for the rest of us. Good Luck & many blessings with the rest of yr journey!!!
Thanks Guys!
It is amazing...the hard work is worth it when you get these results! Keep on DB'ing
Im going to write Michelle a letter! I always dreamed of writing her a success story letter!! yay!
Yeeeaaayyyy!!!!
I LOVE Success Stories!!!
Hi P....great job! Can you post the letter here too when you're done with it. I bet everyone would love to see it
Hiya P..hows things? It's one of those days again for me...:-( bad information came through...
Hello DB ers-
well things are good...but H has become a bit snappy so we are adjusting and i have had a few moments of fear here and there.
luckily i have a great new IC who is CBT and helps me stay centered- i even started a guided meditation today
H still has a lot to figure out and sometimes i take it personally. its crazy how i made it through hell this summer with peace and harmony, yet now i feel a little more upset...not bad- overall im so happy- but just al ittle more frenzied. i think its the house thing. wiating for an offer and not sure what our next steps will be. my bro is till hammering us and wants us to by a nice house with him...
i also get annoyed in my head that he still has his apt and hasnt said ILY. he is spreading his wings to feel his indepdance within the marriage. so this is just a little adjustment.
i should mention that he and i read the 5LL (thats like JWS saying hell froze over!)...he wanted to read the wives part of the quiz to me - he was so cute. we were drinking chamomile tea and doing the 5LL quiz. HELLO! not in my wildest dreams
so overall we are good. just getting a ittle in my HEAD which is not good- so this meditation thing is great to keep me in my heart.
XO XO P
Wow! He read the 5LL? Great! Mine thought it weird but who kmows! What are your LLs?
I love CBT: another great therapy that doesn't focus on the problem! Should be great for you!
Oh Pisces,
That is very sweet about the 5LL, ah someday... I can only imagine that the readjustment period is really tricky as well. In terms of the ILY, you've said it to him and he's been fine, and he's been SHOWING you commitment, so you know all is well.
Have you written a letter to Michele yet?
ITH
That guided meditation thing sounds excellent, P. I think if I took more time to do meditation, I would be in a lot better place right now than I am. Let us know how it goes...
And keep being patient--it's worked miracles for you so far!
(((((P)))))
Hi All
H and I are doing really well. We have had a few rough days here and there..but mostly really back on track.
when i say rough- it is just learning how to communicate and not slip back into old patterns. i am very clear with my needs ...but I try to not overdo it and overload him with nagging...I just make sure I ask for what I need. then I move on.
We are buying a house (great deal)...so this is all progressing. His fears came up a bit and i just let him sit with them for a few days... and express them a bit. I didnt try to stop him from having them....or pry...
I also was able to say my fears and say where i am with our M. Also-I have been struggling a bit with my detachment from my brother/family still- as he has been so mean and critical and actually vicious with his language about me and my husbands choices...
so i have learned to not include him in much and really separate from him as much as possible- without a total disconnect. thats a hard pill to swallow- but very needed and healthy.
my H has said very small things about having kids in the future...and he being the providor...its amazing! he is really growing into a MAN before my eyes- with a few setbacks..but i have had a few as well.. a little snappy at him, etc. and recovered it quickly- but it just felt gross..
he has only said our little pet name for ILY- not the full fledged words yet- and he STILL has his apt - that he never goes to! but i think he will get rid of it this week as we are buying a house..we are doing that bc we own the current one w my bro and its too uncmfy in that sitch.
another great thin is we are planing a backpacking trip over xmas- just us away from it all! i am so excited and so is he- we did a trial 6 mile hike today! yeesh !!! we connect best in nature and the outdoors being active..
anywho- im trying to catch up with all of you....miss you all!
Please take care of yourselves.. i am learning I have to keep that up- the GAL, PMA is sometimes easy to forget! But that is the #1 most important tool from all this DB'ing....
XO XO XO P!
ps. oh my- I am just so sad for Jen...i dont have the alt universe info so please pass on my love to her.
so sad. so fast.
XO XO
You are so my inspiration Pisces!!!
Good luck with everything...it is so reassuring hearing these success stories. I am so glad that everything is going good with you and your H.
I'm with Sep on you being my inspiration!
It seems like everything just went so smoothly for you! (I'm sure it didn't feel that way...)
Sounds like from what I've read on the piecing boards, the LBS usually gets a little frustrated by the time they reach romance/reconciliation because they've had to keep own their feelings under wraps for so long. Sounds like you are doing well at working through it though.
I wouldn't worry about the lack of "ILY" yet. You have a true commitment and are buying a house together. That is worth a million ILYs :). Funny, I wouldn't care if I never heard the word again if I had that commitment and knew the love was there. Funny what this sitch will do to you.
I'm glad everything continues to go so well. And as far as kids, was this one of the original issues, whether you'd have them or not? If so are you in agreement now?
Hope you're doing well today!
ITH
Hi guys- thanks for posing to me..i know Ive been missing- but Im working very hard at my M....
its been mostly good- but a little rough as well. we arent buying a house now- my H said we were moving too fast. i listened and validated. then his fears all came up big time and he said he wasnt sure about us...not really about us making it- but just about the pace of everything. i was sad and hurt. so i cried.. the first time i have cried since the bomb (in front of him)...it was needed for me to tell him how i am putting all my trust in him. separating from my family, moving, selling, etc....he said it was just too fast...then he went to see a therapist (YAY!) he felt relieved after and my therapist was the one who saw him and said he needs time...basically thats all..in fact he came home last night (which was only a day after the therapist) and talked about places to live...so im trying to hold onto myself while adjusting to this new M, detaching from my family, in grad school, working and trying to take care of myself.
i must say it has been hard. a little fear did creep in when my h said we were moving too fast- but i do agree with him...
i have slipped a little on listening and validating- and i think he feels it- but part of me didnt feel heard at all so i told him this. it is along process...
so if you get your M's back - it is amazing and a gift- but the work will never be over...
we arent very intimate- we snuggle and kiss but he keeps saying he isnt ready yet- we have only ML like 2-3 times...he is sort of in his own world..i think he has a lot to discover about himself- i just need to GAL and stop worrying about him for now. its making me NUTS!
i read your posts and i realize i need to PMA, GAL and ACT AS IF! Its funny how fast we can slip away from this when fear takes over ....
anywho- thats me - xo xo
Pisces!! Wow you are still my and I'm sure others inspiration here. I'm glad that things are still moving forward..slowly but forward. Your H decided on his own to go to IC so that is remarkable!!
You are right PMA, GAL and Acting 'As-If' are the best methods to get through this no matter what stage we are in!! I think the secret to it it is combining all three no matter what even once we are back on track with our M!!
Glad to hear from you!!!!
Hi Pisces,
Sorry that things are a little rougher than you would like. Great sign that he saw a therapist and that the issue is time rather than the relationship in general.
It also seems good that you were finally able to express your feelings to him. I know the work never ends, but at least you are in a place where you CAN share your feelings even if you still need to be predominantly focused on his feelings for the moment.
I guess each sitch is different. Interesting that ML hasn't happened very often but you are still for all intents and purposes living together. In my sitch H wants to ML all the time, but is more worried about the living together sitch. At least you have the security. I think you are doing REALLY well!!! Don't they say 1 month of work for every year of marriage? If this is accurate, then you've only got a couple of months left :).
ITH
aww you guys are sooo sweet!
he is a little wacko right now- so i need to worry about ME and just let him be. i think ive been so excited about our future and placed a lot of pressure on him---ive already asked if he wanted kids...in a few years... (to answer your q ITH)...and he said how can we have kids if we arent having sex! we both laughed- but to me thats positive- because he didnt run 500 miles in the opposite direction when i said it!
also- i am kind of grieving my family- i want to separated from them- becuase they are very unhealthy and verbally violent- but i also am leting go of my "hopes" for them to be something they arent. My H knows this is hard for me so i think he is scared in someways that will take it out on him. i just have to keep reassuring him that he is my life and my family.
ps. what the heck is this no sex thing about? ive asked him and he just says he isnt ready yet...the last night he said he doesnt think his body was made to not have sex- so i jumped on him naked and he said he needed to sleep ( which he did) but JEEZ!
Sorry about the no sex thing Pisces...
I think there must be a way to overcome that though! Actually long before this whole marriage crisis we are going through now, we had a few years where H almost never wanted to have sex, and this was weird as he has a HUGE sex drive, I'm talking 3 times per night is normal. So I've only found out recently that this is because he was feeling pressured about things. Could your H be feeling some kind of pressure now? If he thinks are going fast maybe this is a part of it...Could you take a look at the Sex Starved marriage forums too? There just might be some ideas on there from other people going through similar things. I know it's early days, but always good to be well-informed and try new ideas ;).
ITH
oooooh- good idea! ill check that out..
yes- he is feeling pressure - but mostly from inside himself..i think he is wanting everything to be "perfect" so he is clamming up... i literally am trying...i mean trying even when i dont feel like it- but i dont want to pressure him more!
i can't imagine 3 x per night- i think i would croak!
Ha ha :),
Yeah 3 times per night got to be a bit much for me! Now, with our whole weird sitch, when I'm here it's been usually once per night, but even up to twice. It's never discussed after the fact though.
From experience I would REALLY recommend not trying at all with your H at the moment, but instead trying to find ways to reduce any pressure by just seeming as confident and happy as possible, as this will make him feel more relaxed about his own internal pressure. I feel like I'm writing about a different person now, as I would kill for that to be my issue rather than what is actually going on, but I remember how painful it was. Anything I tried like wearing lingerie made no impact whatsoever. The only times that things seemed to be OK was when I didn't mention it or to allude to it for awhile, and we were just relaxed.
ITH
very true- grashoppa, i will lay off
or on - he he he...
i think my self confidence has dropped a bit so i do pressure him more...time to STOP!
he is going away for 3 weeks for a training for work so i wont see him much- that will be hard- but maybe just what the doctor ordered....
im actually looking forward to me time and to getting myself back on track with exercise and hanging with my girlfriends!
also- ITH- i think you can relate to this:
my H is now throwing around the idea of moving away to the sierra's (3 hrs from where we are).. i would have to stop my current grad program - i told him i would and i can always go back to it. in the past he said he flet like i picked everywhere we moved- so im trying to stay calm and just let him lead...i think he should pick where we live so e fels calm and in control. part of me really doesnt want to give up the program- but i really think he needs to feel in charge and i have always sort of led the way and changed my jobs and moved us...
any ideas?
Hi Pisces,
Oh I would love that opportunity...I would give up my job etc. to move somewhere with my H. Remember though that he has followed me across continents...
How do you feel about giving up the grad program? How much time do you have left? Is there any way to finish it and move for your H later, i.e. he goes first and you follow a few months later? Alternatively given that 3 hours isn't really THAT far, is your schedule flexible like you could just be there 2 days per week? After what you've already been through doesn't sound so bad...Otherwise I would say that unless giving up the grad school is career-limiting in some way, or really goes against everything you deeply want, I would move for H. I would let him take the lead. This is a fantastic opportunity to show him how much you trust him and are willing to be led by him...
ITH
Pisces,
I think this is my first time posting on your thread, but I can relate to you about the ML thing. My H too is under tons of pressure right now in his last year of grad school, he's still in his own apt- but has spent more than a few nights at the house.
It is hard when they are there- but not there in the most intimite way. My H has ML a few times, but not in a month. All I can think is- don't you need any? Geez! It is soo hard waiting for them to be there. I too have sometimes tried to push the line and gotten the tired response.
Try not to take it personally- however hard that it. Remember that if they are depressed, confused, and trying, that they just may be having a really hard time getting in the mood. And we are so ready to have things back to normal that they could get jumped at any minute...
But it is wonderful that you are living together. Maybe having his apt makes him feel safe right now? Hang in there and know that you are moving forward- even if slow.
Wow to pick up and just start all over..sounds like a dream come true to me!
Seriously though it is wise like ITH mentioned above to take all of those points and options into consideration. You do not want ot end up resenting him later for not finishing up the grad program or is there somewhere closer to where he wants to go that also offers a similiar program?
wow! thanks everyone
ITH- i have thought about continuing by going down there 2 days per week- with one overnight...i have actually talked to a woman in my program who lives 3 hrs away and has made it work for years. i have about 2 yrs left...so thats an option. but you are right...i will do what he wants- it is necessary for him to feel like my man.
Sep- it is a dream come true that he wants to run away with me...i want that more than anything. so if it means putting my program on hold thenill do it- what I want more than anything is kids and to be married forever!
i am also a renaissance woman so i am not 100% ever into anything as my career forever- i can always start a new program somehwere closdr to where we would move.
optimist- thx for saying that- i think he just needs to feel comfy in his own skin. he is at home- barely ever goes to his apt...but it does hold some kind of security for him...
thanks guys!
Oh Pisces,
Back to the ML thing real quick...
You are obviously in a different sitch than we are at the moment, but what I can say is that the one time that I actually suggested ML, H said no and it didn't happen. Some of the times it has happened he has made comments like "I bet you wish we would..." and I have said, no not really, or something of the like. Then he will initiate. The very big thing is that I don't initiate. You should have more security in your R at the moment, but my guess is even the smallest hint that you're interested looks like massive pressure. What I do is completely ignore him in bed. We're not at the cuddling stage...if he chats with me I chat back and am very friendly, but I only take his lead on everything. I act completely disinterested and this seems to work. Worth a try anyway, not sure how you've been lately, but could you try just rolling over to go to sleep when you're in bed and he's reading or something? Your lack of obvious interest might just interest him.
ITH
WOW..P...enjoy your time!!!!1 keep it up!!! send happy thoughts my way...and some of your luck!
congratulations on your successes....
NO FEAR!!!!!
Hey P! I am so happy for you, where you're at. I hope that you're spending time enjoying & being in love. And hey, as a fellow Nor Cal resident if you're ever in SF for any reason, look me up. I'd love to buy you a drink & toast the progress you've made.