Last ThreadOK, so a girl disappears for a week and her thread is locked eh?
So if you couldn't tell by my title, I'm UBER confused, but I think it's going well.
Definitely not moving to piecing any time soon ,but I feel like we are making baby steps of progress. At least he is officially "trying" some things now. Although he is very clear in telling me that as of now, his feelings have not changed at all, but honestly..... I sense a huge shift in him. I hope I'm not delusional, but I feel like if I can just hang in, we may just come out the other side. In four months it's the first time I've really felt that maybe, just maybe this nightmare could end.
NOt soon enough for me, but I'll wait I supposed.
So, I was out of town Thurs-Sun (hence my absence here). He stayed here at the house with the girls while I was gone. I think he really enjoyed being home. Then this week, he is off work (had a vacation week scheduled forever ago) so he said he'd watch the girls while I worked this week rather than them go to day care, so he's been here all week. It's been amazing. I came home yesterday to a cooked dinner. Then got invited to go out with him and D6 to watch them shoot their bows. Then tonight I came home to about 2 acres of our land mowed (I've been doing it all this summer alone), the front yard mowed, D6's school supplies shopped for. Really, it felt like for the first time in 4 months my partner was in the game with me.
Amazing how the same things I took so for granted before, mean the world now.
He's housesitting this week for friends out of town again, so he's been driving a ton to check on their dogs and cat and be here. I jokingly told him I wished he wasn't house sitting so he could've just been here for the week. He acted like if it weren't for the animals he probably would've just done that.
But of course, as these WAS's are, he will then in the same breath discuss wanting to look for an apartment etc......
But NO D discussion now for about 5 weeks. I think that is HUGE! He's affectionate (although still very reserved, but it's there).
He also FINALLY agreed to go on a date with me. I've been asking to start dating again for weeks, to try to build back up from the beginning again. He has always said "I don't see what that will do". Well this week ,he finally said, he'd go on one date with me, and we could see after that.
WOW! Pinch me. We have a LLLLLLLloooooooooooooong way to go, but I'm feeling positive again.
So what does one do on an all important ONE date. One that could make or break having more dates in the future?
So then, our D2 has her surgery on Thursday (I'm a basket case over this surgery). I think we will stay at the hospital together that night. Our D6 will be at a friends over night. So that extends our week together too. I told H that I had a ton to do to get D6 ready for her 1st day of school on Monday, but that I did NOT want to drag D2 around all weekend after just having surgery, so he pretty much said he plans to be here daily through the weekend.
I'm already dreading next week though. It's been so amazing having him here. Feeling almost normal. Then next week, it'll go back
We keep trying to reiterate to D6 that this is just because H is off this week, and watching them while I work etc. And that Daddy is NOT home etc. But we still worry they will be confused. I hope not.
It's so hard to want to be with him so much, and yet need to protect them from the confusion too.
Anyway. I have many threads of yours all to catch up on. I've been WAY out of the loop, and probably will be after Thursday for another few days again.
Please pray for my D2 that she will come through this surgery like a champ if you are the praying kind. It's really freaking me out. And that the lump turns out to be nothing. Please!!!
Thanks guys. Talk to you soon.
Keep the faith. It's all that's gotten me through.
Chris
((((Chris))))
Congratulations. I'm with you, look at the positive and compare to a few weeks back, big change.
Dan
Prayers are on the way for D2.
I was wondering what happened to you. Been thinking about you a lot and hoping things were going well...
Apparently they are.
Take it easy.
(((chris))) good to hear from you and you see all the positives. that is all yu need to see. there are too many!!
dont worry about later- just be for now. you are doing so well!
he wants to go on a date! just be fun and flirty- like you were when you met!
just lessen the pressure on him to be naything else than how he is for now. it sounds like he is shoing yo alot by taking care of the hosue for you, etc. that i huge and that is the way men SHOW they love you...
i hope your D is ok and i will send lots of love ....
i am so happy for you!!
Chris, I'll be sending good thoughts & well wishes your D's way...
I'm so glad things are going well and you are feeling positive--"what you focus on expands"--keep it up, girl!
I hope I'm not confusing you with someone else.
Is your daughter the one with the lump on her neck??
Please let us know what it turns out to be. My daughter has a lump on her neck as well. She had it when she was born. The ped never seemed concerned about it, and said that when she's old enough to sit still, he'd like to ultrasound it to see what it is. I never followed through with it though. I was looking at it the other night, and thinking that maybe it's time to get it checked out.
ladybug... nope, you are right. It was my D2 with the lump. Her surgery was yesterday and it went GREAT!! I'm just so glad it's done. My heart stopped a bit because they said it could take an hour, but they didn't expect it to take that long. Well at the hour mark, both H and I started getting nervous. It was almost an hour and a half before anyone came out, then it was the Anestesiologist NOT the dr. So I saw him, and freaked out. But our Dr. had to rush into an other surgery, so he just came out.
Everything went smooth, and it is at pathology right now, but he said it looked totally harmless, and thinks it will turn out to be nothing. Just extra tissue. And we got released last night. We were originally supposed to stay the night, so we had D6 set up with a sleepover at a friends etc, but she did so well, they let us go home.
Now I just have to wait about a week for the pathology report, then THAT big thing will finally be behind me. I'll be so glad. And as I type this she is running around like a crazy girl. You'd never know she had surgery yesterday. CRAZY!
Well as for H. The somewhat expected pull back is happening. I knew it would come, hoped it wouldn't. I need to keep it in perspective, but I'm a bit bummed. This was such a GREAT week. He even said it was a good week, but that he still doesn't know, and doesn't want me to get my hopes up. But his actions say everything otherwise.
We actually had a FIRST for the last 4 months where we were actually talking of a "future" thing together. That hasn't happened in all this time, but the other day we were talking about refinancing our house, and making an extra payment a year now that I'm working ,to lower the amount of years we have on our mortgage. We've planned NOTHING together all this time, so that was nice.
But like I say, last night as he left, he made sure to let me know not to get my hopes up. His feelings haven't changed. He's not going to rush anything, and he's willing to "wait and see" but nothing has changed. I'm bummed, but trying to keep in mind all the good things.
I'll just be devestated all over again, if after all this positive, he just lets it go.
Well, I'm off to finish school supply shopping today. He'll be here soon.
Chris
I'm glad things went well Chris. Your DB should help you endure until the pathology report comes back and keep up the good work.
I'm sorry your H pulled back, but, it had to help knowing ahead of time that was the likeliest behavior.
In my mind, the future plans are huge. Keep up the good work and here's me wishing you all the best
Dan
Hi Chris- you said it yourself- expect that he will pull back.
pay attention only to his positive actions. dont let his words interfere with your strength and how much you have accomplished.
i am happy your D is ok- kids are amazing!
FUTURE talk is huge and could be a reason why he backed off too...he probably just needs to think!
hang in there- just get back to living in the moment!
(((Chris)))
Yeah, I'm an idiot. How Icould think one great week out of 4 months would be great news.
I'm just done guys. I cannot stay on this rollercoaster anymore. The crap hit the fan tonight.
I just don't think I can go on.
One minute he's attentive, happy, joking with me. The next he's telling me I'm smothering him, he's angry at me not pulling my "financial weight". Um hello dip, I asked you when this I was offered this job if it would be ok, KNOWING it was not what you initially wanted me to get. I only took it because YOU said, yes go for it. Tonight, he totally throws it in my face. So I say......."what do you want me to do Chris? Do you want me to quite and look for something full time. That's why I initially asked you" .To which he gets snotty and says. "You're a big girl. I'm not going to tell you what to do".
OMG, I wanted to hit him right there. THIS is the alien. This is not my sweet, considerate husband I always believed him to be. He's seriously Dr. Jekyl and I'm so worn out from it.
So I lost it tonight ,and told him I'm just done being the scape goat for all his unhappiness. That I love him, I want to work on this, and I'm still hoping for the best, but that I'm not just going to lie down and let him walk all over me. That this is crap, and I'm tired of it.
Well, you can guess how that went over.
So much for happiness eh?
I'm really starting to feel like I need to get out. I love him, and never imagined I could feel this way, but I really just need to know what is going to happen to my life.
HE really insinuated some nasty things tonight. Really mean and hurtful.
I have no idea what happened in the last 24 hours, but it's like he totally flipped out.
4 months, and I think I may be nearing the end.
I know I sound like a freak, sounding so positive just a few days ago. This is my life. And I'm over every day being on a yo yo.
Chris
Hi, Chris-
I am so sorry to hear about your bad experience with H. Don't make any decisions right now when you are still so upset. Something tells me H is starting to feel some guilt over your whole sitch and he's trying to bait you into giving him validation for leaving. I think he may be wondering himself why he would leave when things seem to be going well between the two of you now and as you and I both know...cops can never admit they had an err in judgement.
Hang in there...sleep on it...if you can..and think about it again tomorrow.
Just checking in on you....kind of worried.
Hi Chris- im sorry this took a turn away from your goals- but all it is is a backslide
can you look again at the baby steps and what you have accomplished? i think you had high expectations that things would just fit right back together (same as my expectations) and they didnt...he pushed away bc he is scared of realizing he may want to be with you and now has to face how much he put you through.
one thing i learned from my DB coach is that men/cops cant be made to feel like a schmuck for hurting us...or made to feel weak.
his anger is guilt for hurting you. dont reply to his anger. dont react at all.
he needs to spiral on his own- in his own rollercoaster.
i hope im helping. but there were so many positives- thats why i think you have a great chance here and i want to say to you dont give up- this is just part of detaching.
Hey, Chris-
Just wondering if you are doing okay.
Hey guys.
Well, as the rollercoaster continues, again seem to be in a positive space. My gosh, this yo-yoing just kills me.
So today was D6's first day of school, so H was out bright and early to watch her get on the bus. Then I was off to work. He took D2 to get her signed up for the daycare I chose to start next week, and ended up calling and asking if I wanted him to come by my work with D2 to drop off the paper work. Of course this could have waited until evening so I take this as a positive. So they ended up dropping by, and we did and impromptu horseback ride with D2 on one of the mini horses at the stable. She had a ball. Then they left.
So I got a call at the end of the day asking if I just wanted to meet them out for dinner in town. Of course I did, so we ended up going out to dinner, then to Sonic to get the girls and icecream. Nice night.
So we got home, and I worked in my garden a bit ,the girls played, and H shot his bow a bit. N-O-R-M-A-L life. What is that again? Wish it would last.
But alas, the girls went to bed ,and H left. I should find out tomorrow whether or not I'll be "allowed" on the camping trip with them this weekend.
Honestly, it really sort of pissed me off today, the thought of having to WAIT for him to decide if I "could" go or not. So tonight I very calmly said.. "You know, why don't you just plan on taking the girls this weekend. I know you are having a hard time deciding ,so that probably means you'd really rather not. I want you guys to go and have fun. So I'm taking the stress of that off of you"
To which he said.... "the girls are going to have fun either way. Just wait and see, ok"
So again ,I feel like I was tossed a bone. I gave him the easy out, and he didn't take it. So honestly, if he comes back tomorrow and says "no you can't go" I think I'll be pissed since tonight he had the perfect out.
UGH. I just hate hate hate this.
Ok Chris........ calm down. Breathe. Each baby step is worth it. Now rinse, lather, repeat.
Chris
Hey little sis (((Chris))) That's right, breathe. Breathe. I've got three kids, I can handle this part of it. Breathe.
You're doing a great job. Breathe.
You can do this. Breathe.
Relax. Breathe.
Breathe.
Smile
Dan
Chris! Glad to hear you are among the living. Hang in there girl! You and I have way too much in common in our sitch's...my H doesn't feel anything for me either except the occassional erection of course (yikes hope I don't get in trouble for that).
Anyway, I get discouraged when I don't see you post for a bit...keep on keeping on!
I really do think these men are trying to punish us and test us.
Chris- i think that is amazing DB'ing that you gave him the opp to say you cant go...and he didnt say either way at that point...you are really showing him you are fine either way....so that is great news...
i know what you mean by NORMAL one second then BAM...back to the separate lives...so weird.
BUT hang in there- you are really doing well and things are very calm and peaceful for you guys right now....because you arent pressuring him
you are doing a lot that is working...so be patient and strong like you already are!
Thanks so much you guys. Your encouragement (from those in the trenches) really means alot. I swear I feel like I'm at battle, and you all are my little soldiers with me! LOL People that haven't been there, fighting for their marriage like CRAZY, just don't quite get it. My friends and family are supportive, but at times I think they think I'm deluded. Oh well. I've gotta live this life, better do all I can.
So, good news. I was invited on the overnight camping trip this weekend. Woo Hoo. So we'll be leaving early Sat., and coming home Sun afternoon. So over 24 hours together. Watch out! LOL
Feeling the pressure to be MAGNIFICENT. LOL I know this sounds dumb, but geez.... I sort of look forward to the day when maybe I can just be tired, cranky, have a bad hair day, and STILL know I'm loved. I used to feel that way, and now I just feel like I've got to be "on" at all times. It sucks. I'm not being fake, but I guess I just feel like I can't quite let it all "hang out" right now.
Tonight was interesting. We got the girls to bed, and I was BEAT! Seriously exhausted (think I might be coming down with something. It better wait until AFTER Sat.) So he came in and laid down on the bed, and we chit chatted awhile. He mentioned being so tired, and I said....... "me too. I'm ready for bed". Next thing I know he stands up, and pulls the covers over me, and does this cute little "tuck in" move. I sort of laughed and said....... "thanks. Now if only I didn't have to wash my face, brush my teeth, turn out the lights etc..... I wouldn't move". Next thing I know he is back on the bed, tickling me, being goofy. Totally grabbing at me.
So then I said.."You know, I haven't denied you ONCE in 4 months, but tonight I am. I am SO stinkin' tired." Well, he kept it up, and kept it up, and one thing led to another.
Every situation is different, but I swear for us. Through the few months of doubt I had about whether keeping ML with him was smart or not, I really feel like THAT physical connection has been a lifesaver for us. Time will tell what happens in the end, but I feel like had I cut ALL ties, we'd be halfway divorced by now. It's crazy how a major thing lacking in our marriage might now be the glue holding us together.
This is quite the crazy ride.
Chris
Wow Chris, that sounds great! I especially like the tickle play because that shows you and H can still goof off and have fun together! It really sounds like there is solid progress being made, and okay so you were tired, but heck, it sounds like it worked out anyway
Chris I totally agree with you on the ML thing. For my H to know I want him seems to be breaking the ice just a bit. Now if I can just keep my crazy paranoid thoughts to myself and stop talking about the R maybe I'll make some headway.
You have a wonderful time camping. Enjoy your time with your family and don't put too much pressure on yourself. I am totally jealous of you...my H refuses to do anything as a family because "he doesn't want to give D false hope".
Keep up the good work girlfriend...I'm rooting for you!
woo hoo! have fun! i know what you mean by being cranky, quiet or at least normal! thats whay camping will be great...you can relax a bit more...
that will be so much fun and i think it just brings out the best in everyone bc its away from it all!
im happy you have seen how good ML is for you guys...you know what works!
Hi Chris..how do you feel today? if you feel like you're getting a cold drink lots of fluids and rest as much as you can so you're well for the camping trip!
Chris I totally agree with you on the ML thing. For my H to know I want him seems to be breaking the ice just a bit. Now if I can just keep my crazy paranoid thoughts to myself and stop talking about the R maybe I'll make some headway.
This is how I feel too. Time and patience will tell.
Hang in there and remember every ride of the coaster has an end.
So, I'm having anxiety over this weekend. I want it to be so good. Went shopping today to get all the food etc, and had an appt. with my C. I missed the last few weeks due to getting my job and having to change my schedule with him etc. So needless to say a LOT had happened since I saw him last about a month ago. I LOVE that he is such a DB fan. Makes my sessions with him feel really good.
Anyway, we chatted a lot about stuff. How H's actions don't match his words. How he feels (and I do to) that it doesn't really matter what his motivations are for asking me to do things right now (pity, just for the girls, trying etc...) what matters is spending that time together and making the most of it. He also said something so simple that I truly hadn't thought of. I'd like to avoid any heavy talks this weekend and just have fun, but sometime I do think I'll ask my H this question.
"How will you know when you love me again. What will you need to feel or experience to know if you love me again"
Like us all here, C comes from the perspective that Love is an action, not just a feeling. HE said it's important when I ask this to just LISTEN. No talking. He said there will probably be lots of silence as he'll be uncomfortable, but it's ok.
Sounds so simple, but truly, I would like to know. What exactly is he needing to feel to recommit? Is it the love he felt (the giddy ,new, exciting love) in the beginning. What is it? C mentioned that often for men, the feeling of love is actually the feeling of respect.
I'll be interested to see how he responds to that. Think I'll give it a bit before asking though.
H was out last night to visit the girls, and we got out the pop up to check it all out and see what we already had in it etc... The girls are so excited, and until last night D6 didn't realize I was going too. I thought she'd explode with excitement.
I'm so excited. I just hope it goes well.
Chris
I guess you are camping right now, I wonder what will the answer be to your question. It is a tricky one to ask him though, for we all know that if/when WAS come back is when they have decided to love again, not because a "feeling" of love came to land on their heads.
hope you all are having a good time, I was happy for you when I read the thread title, praying for you ))
So, I'm back from camping, and it was WONDERFUL! Not wonderful in a "he professed his love and is moving home kind of way" (I wish) but wonderful in that we got along great, the girls had a GREAT time, and at the end I thanked him for inviting me, and he said he had a great time too.
Then I was an idiot, and had some R talk. STUPID. But he handled it ok ,and I don't think I did too much damage.
We used to camp so much before the girls. IT was one of "our" things. And it felt great to be up there again. We sat around the fire last night. I had wine (got amorous), we flirted ,and he invited me over to sit on his lap. Well, you know the routine. So there we were in our pop up trailer, the girls sleeping on the other side, and us, um well.......... yeah. So then he laid there and we fell asleep. Well, the great thing is, the trailer bed is SO small, he couldn't get away from me like he can in a king! LOL So he snuggled up, and even had his arm around me all night. Well until D2 woke up crying that she was cold. So H, moved over the other other side bed ,and snuggled with her. But ,wow, everytime I moved or shifted he would call out "are you ok? are you cold?" He kept checking on me which was so nice.
HE also knows I LOVE fishing. Love it, love it. And well, fishing uninterupted with the girls doesn't happen often. He totally told me to fish alone a couple of times. I even joked once.. "Oh, fine, you are just trying to get rid of me" to which he said........."No, I just know you like that".
He really went out of his way to make me feel wanted, and it felt great. Every time we are together it feels like home. God, I know we are SO far from being out of the woods, and he is SO far from feeling totally committed again, but GOD, I just want it NOW so bad.
So then we get home, and about 15 minutes after we get home, the hail starts. Then I hear that my county has a tornado warning, so I step outside to look, and yep, straight away we have a big tornado forming. It was far enough away to where I felt safe to call H and the girls outside. So we all stood outside and watched for awhile. Then another one formed, and this one was much closer, so we all headed in to the basement for awhile. EVerything was fine, and I got some great photos! LOL So anyway, I got a little Extra H time, because he wasn't leaving until everything passed. So he ended up being here until 8ish, which was not the original plan.
OK, so I know this is mega boring ,I'm just sort of on a high still. God, I want my family back. I want him home. I want to feel safe in my marriage again. And yet still, the response from him is "I don't know what is going to happen, but I am trying".
That alone is a HUGE leap from the first 3 months so I'm trying to hang on to that. But GOD, I'm so scared if it doesn't happen what it's going to do to me. The first time I was so blindsided I didn't have time to worry about it. This time, I feel like if he just says "nope I'm done" again, it's going to be even more devestating if that's even possible.
Yes, I'm stronger by DBing. Yes, I know I CAN live without him. But I don't want to. I love him so much.
Whew. OK, I'm off to bed. He'll be out bright and early in the morning to watch our D2 while I work (he has Monday's off), so I'll see him in 9 short hours again!
Chris
Hey, Chris! It sounds like you had a great time and made some good strides in your R. Your stories are never boring..I enjoy all the detail.
Hang in there Sister...you are gonna make it...I can feel it in my bones!
yay! i love ow nature can bring us all together- its such a simple way of life!
im soo happy for you
it is not boring- dont even say that. this is a huge stride....
it seems like more positives build on more positives....
you rock and im very happy for you
Hi guys. Well it's been another interesting week. So Thursday I got up the nerve to ask H if he'd like to come over for dinner and a movie. I texted it to him, and he never replied. He was coming out that night to see the girls ,and was not planning on visiting Friday. So he got out after work Thursday night and I asked if he had gotten my text. He said yeah, and that work had just been super busy that afternoon etc, and he hadn't gotten the chance to text back. So I said "so, do you have a response?" and he said."Yeah, sure,........we can do that".
HUGE! This is the FIRST time he accepted to do something with JUST me, on a day he hadn't already planned to be out visiting the girls etc.
So I went out rented movies yesterday, planned on cooking one of his favoriest etc. Then the afternoon got all shot. I got a call my from my D6's school around 2:30 that she had fallen at school and cracked her head open and that they thought she needed stitches, and to come get her ASAP. So I quickly woke up her napping D2, ran out the door got there ,and my poor thing was just covered in blood. I know head wounds bleed so much, but ick, it was bad. So the nurse helped wrap up her head so the pressure would stay on her head while I drove to the hospital. WE live 1/2 hour from the hospital so it took a bit.
My friend met me at the school and took D2 for me so I didn't have to drag her there.
So we got to the hospital, and BOY did she slice it good. I could see her freakin' skull. OMG, really icky, it was that deep. So She ended up with some deep internal stitches, and then 8 top stitches. Poor thing. So by the time we were done at the hospital, picked up a special dinner for D6 for being so brave etc, I didn't get to the house until 6:30. H had picked up D2 from my friends house and was waiting for us with her. So our meal became take out, and a bit hectic.
But finally we got the girls to bed, and we ended up watching our movie. It was really nice. I had picked a just stupid comedy so there would be no pressure. Then we came up stairs cuddled a bit, and as always one thing led to another and we ML. I asked him to stay (bad, I know) but he said he had to go home to trade out his work car for his truck, because he's getting our pop up today when he comes to see the girls, to go on an overnight camping trip alone Sunday night for scouting for his hunting.
So then he left around 12:30am this morning to head home, then about 15 minutes later I got a call, and he said."hey, I don't know now what my timing for tomorrow is going to be, I just got called out (he's on swat)". So I haven't heard from him yet this morning, and don't want to call and wake him up if he's home and sleeping. BUt anyway............ so baby steps are being made.
He still tells me over and over he doesn't know what's going to happen, and he's NO WHERE NEAR where I am and ready to come home, but he IS trying, so that's huge. For 3 months he wouldn't do a thing, so I'm taking it.
Chris
Oh Chris, I can so relate to the feelings w/ your D!!! When D23 was 6 she was out sledding w/ friends, ran into a building and ended up w/ 30 stitches in her head, (15 ps and 15 external) a lacerated spleen, bruised kidney, punctured lung, and on bed rest for a month! Of course, three days later I went to the hosp and she was jumping on the bed!!! Give your D a hug from me for being so brave!!!
Baby steps are always good, and it makes me happy to see the success stories w/ the DBing. I think you are doing a phenomenal job!
I'm so sorry to hear about your D! Mine is 6 YO too...don't they always seem to get themselves in nerve wreaking sitchs!
I'm happy for you that your H is willing to spend bits of time with you! Little by little Chris.
Hey, Chris...I hope D is doing well...I will think happy thoughts for her
Girl...I swear our H's are twins only yours likes you better than mine likes me!
H is always so non-commital it makes me crazy. WTF is really going on in their heads????
OK. I'm excited. I took the plunge yesterday, and invited H to go on a hike with me and the girls tomorrow morning for Labor Day since we all have the day off ,and he accepted. Two social things in ONE weekend. WOW!
So we are meeting him at the canyon we like to hike in tomorrow morning, then after that he suggested coming back to the house and grilling for the holiday. So I'll have the whole day with him. I can't wait. Although I REFUSE to wear makeup and sweat to death while hiking, so I won't be at my prettiest, but I know he loves the physical activities so hopefully that will balance out my scary face in the morning! LOL
Chris
Oh Chris that is fantastic!!! I am so excited for you!!!
D is doing well. She got her stitches out today. She's doing well. It still looks pretty gnarly, but I'm hoping it won't scar too bad.
Well, I'm not feeling great tonight. No big negatives, but just a stall out that has me flustered. I keep saying I'm in it for the long haul, but lately, I just question "how long can I really do this for"? I just want to feel "wanted" again. Loved. Is that so much to ask? And no, in no way am I interested in anyone else, or would even consider looking for probably years. But gosh, in a way I feel like it's worse loving someone so much that doesn't love me back, vs. not loving anyone at all.
Ugh. Tomorrow is our 8th anniversary, and I"m dreading it. I know that's what has me going tonight. It's just one more "benchmark" that is coming and going and we are still no where close to being back together. He's still very much looking for a place to rent, and has informed me numerous times over the last few weeks that he is trying, but still feels nothing, and is a LONG way from coming home.
So of course with Fall in the air, now I have all the holiday benchmarks in my head. "will he be home by Halloween?" "Will he be home by Christmas?",
I'm just so tired of being tired.
And I have no idea how to handle tomorrow. He made it clear that no celebration of any kind of acknowledgement of it would be happening. He's coming out to see the girls (Thursdays are one of his normal days), so I'll see him, but have no idea how to act. Do I give him a card, a gift, anything? Do I avoid him like the plague, afraid I'll break down?
I have no idea.
I'm so tired.
Chris
Hey Chris...How did the hiking and grilling go over the weekend?
I don't really know what to say about the anniversary. Although if he said he didn't want any acknowledgement of the day then I wouldn't buy a card or mention it. If he does then it's ok to talk about it I think but other thatn that I'd say don't mention it.
I agree with Jen about the anniversary thing. If he told he wasn't going to acknowledge it and then you do I think he would feel pressured.
Hang in their girlfriend....I here ya on the "how long can I do this" thing. I think I've decided I'll do it until either he changes his mind about things or I don't care anymore...whichever comes first. I know it's hard for us DB'ers to imagine it, but it is possible we'll end up being the ones to move on with our lives. I can tell you one thing....I have learned a lot because of all of this and I truly hope I get to show my H what a wonderful W I can be and how great our R can be, but if that is not in the cards for us then I know I'm better for having had this experience and I WILL make someone happy some day. Again...I hope that someone is H.....
hi chris- how was your day? sorry to hear about your D...poor little lady!
please remember that you have made such huge steps....look at all your steps...dont let one day get you down...anyway- im sure it went better than expected!
hope you are well!!
xo P
Chris? You still out there?
I was just thinking about Chris the other day and hoping that she's doing well. I hope she can update us soon.
Wow.... how totally strange that you all just posted. I just logged on for the first time in weeks, and thought I'd have to search FOREVER for my thread.
Well, there has been lots of stuff that has happened over the last month.
H and I have been doing lots of things with the girls as a family. Been having talks. And he is officially "trying" now. Although the biggest road block still exists. He doesn't love me or have "those" feelings. He wants to, but still states nothing is changing.
WE just went and saw the movie Fireproof (don't think I can link you but google it and watch the trailer.. I recommend this HIGHLY for everyone here). It was made by a church so if a strong Christian message is going to bother you, this won't be the movie for you, but honestly if people can look at the overall message it is TRULY an amazing film. Totally about saving your marriage. I asked H to see it with me, and he did. By the end we were both crying. We originally planned to talk about it right afterwards but decided we both needed time to process, so we talked the next night.
He stated the movie was good and really gives you a lot of motivation. So that was good.
HE moved out of his friends house just last weekend. So he is now only 15 minutes away instead of the Hour and 15 minutes he was spending driving back and forth. I was worried I'd see him less since he'd have less reason to visit here, but so far this week, it's been the same. He got a month to month lease, which I also am very happy about.
He has not commited to counseling together as of yet, but he has agreed to start seeing a counselor alone again. AND he took the recommendation of MY counselor, so I hope this one is MUCH better than our original lady who I felt did so much damage.
I cannot believe I've been at this 6 months now, and separated for 4 of it. I remember when I first found this place and I looked at peoples signatures and thought......." wow, how do they do it? I will NEVER be able to do this that long". But here I am.
Honestly, for 3 months all I heard was I don't love you and I never will again ,and I"m "filing next week". So while we have a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG road ahead, and I would not at all even call us piecing at this point, we HAVE made great strides so I'm trying to hang in one day at a time.
On top of it all, I got laid off from my job 2 days ago. Ironic since my H JUST rented an apt. and my income was a big reason he could finally do that. So now I"m in a HUGE job hunt again. I sort of melted down the other night to him about it, and he kept saying.. "we'll be fine. We'll work it out. Don't stress so much, you'll get another job etc.." Just to hear "we" again was nice.
I have no idea how this all will play out. And I'm so tired and just want it done. But at least I will have the solace of knowing that I really tried everything I could, and he actually DID finally give some kind of effort. I'll still be completely devastated if we divorce, but I won't have to wonder "what if".
So that's it for here. We were supposed to all go up to a National Park together as a family this Sunday to hear the Elk Bugle, but my D6 has to sing with her church choir on Sunday. We didn't originally know that, and it will take up too much of the morning to do the long drive. So we'll postpone it a week. I'm hoping after church (which he normally doesn't go to, but will to hear D6 sing this Sunday. Hope it's a GREAT sermon) we'll still do something as a family.
I hope to find time to catch up with you all very soon. I don't know why, but for awhile there I just got so overwhelmed with it all, I just had to take a step back. My marriage and it's breakdown has been my SOLE focus, and I think I just relized a month ago I needed to start getting my life back. Not closing the door at all, but just realizing that my minute by minute obsessing is not going to make it go any faster.
Thanks for thinking of me.
Chris
Chris it is so good to hear from you. I was so afraid you had given up and that's why you weren't posting. I understand the overwhelming feelings associated with obsessing over the situation. I was just thinking today maybe I should to a break....
At any rate, I am happy to hear your updates. I am glad your H is at least putting forth effort. My H agreed to counseling, but I fear it is only to "help me move on".
Hang in there!!!
He's officially "trying"? How awesome is that?? Praying that his counselor gives him wise counsel and a change in perspective.
Time for another update. Again, awol is best for me at the moment. I do enough obsession on my sitch without this board. LOL
So, new developements.......
H agreed to start counseling with me. This is huge as he said he never would, and it wouldn't do anything. HE came to MY individual session with me last Friday, and my counselor offered to counsel us together, and H agreed. When we got outside, I even asked him if he felt "railroaded" into it, or if he really wanted to, and he said he wanted to.
It all sounds wonderful, but at the same time inthe same session, he told the C that the only feelings he has for me are feelings of me being the mother of his kids. HE's trying, but his feelings are changing. That's so scary.
I mean, we don't fight. We have fun together. We have had some of the best sex of our 12 years inthe last 6 months, ironically. We still have the same common goals for our lives we always did, same interests, same beliefs about raising our kids. And yet, we still could get divorced.
How on earth is that possible?
Trying to hold out hope. One day I'm on top of the world thinking we are going to make it, the next I"m thinking "I can't do this anymore, it's too hard".
I remember when I started on this board seeing in peoples signatures that the'd been at this several months, or even years ,and thinking.... "Wow ,I know I will never be able to do this that long". Well, here I am 7 months later, still at it.
We had a great weekend this weekend. I invited H over for a movie Sat. night. HE came, we had fun, and "relations". Then I was gone all day Sunday, and he had the girls. I asked him if he wanted to stay for dinner when he brought the girls home, and he said yes. When he came he had another movie in hand he had rented, plus food for us. Another great night, and more relations, and he stayed the night. ALL night. This is huge. Then Monday (yesterday), I was gone all day job hunting, he had our youngest while the oldest was in school. Then I had to take her to Brownies last night so he stayed with our youngest. When we got home and got both girls in bed, he stayed and visited awhile. Yes, MORE relations(yes, we seem to have broken down that wall! LOL), then he left to go home since he hadn't been home all weekend and it was a worknight and had to do laundry etc. He is coming back tonight to visit the girls and come for dinner.
It feels SO normal when he is here, and I hate hate hate when he leaves.
I hate not knowing what is going to happen in our future. I'm so tired of the rollercoaster. But the progress we have made over the last 7 months, when I truly break it all down, has been huge, so I cannot give up now.
Chris
Glad your not giving up and it's good to see you back here. I think about you often and pray that you're doing well.
Remember it's HUGE that you're in counseling and that h WANTS to be there.