well i guess i locked another thread, hopefully rainbow will help me out again.
well bad hangover today went to ball game and of course out afterwards. the next day stinks!!!!! god i get depressed the day after.
i really feel like calling her today but i think i need to chill for a while. she needs to miss me and getting a phone call weekly isn't going to help. but i am getting to the point where i need some closure. i think a month of not much but when there is interaction being very friendly, and then set up a meeting where i validate her feelings agree with her wanting to split and start the divorce process. i cant put my life in a stalemate much longer.
j ryan thanks for your post she does need to know that i am her best friend and she really appreciated the phone call the other day so i am hoping i get one sometime soon.
Let me ask you something, What's your big hurry? If you're committed to the relationship that is supposed to be forever, what's the big deal with a few months or even a year? I can't even imagine how hard it is, I've only been at this about 6 weeks, so I'm hardly an expert, but that's my thought process. I'm 100% dedicated to my wife and son and I'll wait as long as it takes for her to feel the same way. If she doesn't, well I'll be ok there too because of all the good things I'm doing for myself while I wait. Just think about it...
because what she has done is not right. how long can we let someone hold us hostage and feeling like this. we can't let go on forever. if there was a guarantee it would be a different thing but there isn't. my wife says we should do it now because we would end up divorced in ten years anyway.(who says that) my wife has verbally given me no hope. just because i file doesn't mean i can't go back. the fact that my wife hasn't filed and the fact that when i told her i needed to talk to her she called me 12 times in one day plus visited and sent 2 emails, makes me think that if i file it maybe the exact wake up call she needs. at least i will get some type of closure one way or the other.
if i had kids it would be different, and if i had more time invested but i was only married 6 months before the seperation.
hey jryan do you know how to link the old threads?
because what she has done is not right. how long can we let someone hold us hostage and feeling like this. we can't let go on forever. if there was a guarantee it would be a different thing but there isn't. my wife says we should do it now because we would end up divorced in ten years anyway.(who says that) my wife has verbally given me no hope. just because i file doesn't mean i can't go back. the fact that my wife hasn't filed and the fact that when i told her i needed to talk to her she called me 12 times in one day plus visited and sent 2 emails, makes me think that if i file it maybe the exact wake up call she needs. at least i will get some type of closure one way or the other.
if i had kids it would be different, and if i had more time invested but i was only married 6 months before the seperation.
hey jryan do you know how to link the old threads?
All good points, just gotta see what is really important to you and go for it. Good point about filing, my wife filed on day 1 of our S and so far nothing has really happened with that. We have temporary orders and that is totally scary and it really sucks, but at least she's not freaking out demanding a divorce RIGHT NOW, like I thought she was going to do (we'll see what she says next week with our church leader). Little things matter a lot I guess. The TPO sucks too but those aren't the things that got me to start changing myself - it was seeing how sad my wife looked in court the first day, it broke my heart and I vowed to never do that to ANYONE let alone the woman I share my life with and have children with! It was such an epiphany. Anyway, I'm rambling. Good luck with your decision. If you do file, be cool about it. No sense getting all worked up over it and ruining things for you even further. Protect yourself and feel good about yourself. Just remember Lawyers make the process cold and heartless, don't let that make YOU that way. I'm battling that right now...
To link a thread, right click on the title of the thread, choose "properties" then copy and paste the URL (scroll down to make sure you get the whole thing, it's long). Then go to where you want to paste it and click the link button (upper lefthand of of your text window) and follow the prompts. Good luck!
hoping to do it without lawyers. number 1 i don't think she can afford one. number 2 after such a short marriage she is not entitled to anything. there is a place in nj where you can get a divorce filed for $700 and i have brought it up several times and she ignores it or gives a reason why we have to wait.
i just paid for a wedding and honeymoon i am not real keen on paying for a divorce as well.
my wife says we should do it now because we would end up divorced in ten years anyway
Wow, by that argument we should all kill ourselves now because we could be dead ten years from now anyway. Gheesh.
I've been at this over a year now bit. Its hard to believe, but as they say...time flies when you're having fun.
i cant do this for a year. i need to move on before that. this uncertainity is the worst part.
yeah that is a typical statement out of my wife during all this. she is negative. she said i married her b/c i was getting older and settled, then she said i married her b/c i liked her family and not her.
thanks for checking out my thread i will check out yours
hoping to do it without lawyers. number 1 i don't think she can afford one. number 2 after such a short marriage she is not entitled to anything. there is a place in nj where you can get a divorce filed for $700 and i have brought it up several times and she ignores it or gives a reason why we have to wait.
i just paid for a wedding and honeymoon i am not real keen on paying for a divorce as well.
Well that means they're probably para-legals doing the paperwork and they'll be just as cold and heartless. They don't care about you they just want to get the paperwork done and move on to the next case. Anyway, I'm not trying to talk you out of filing, just be prepared for the different feelings. I thought the TPO was bad enough but when her lawyer brought me the papers and I saw they were dated the same day, I was devastated. It took some serious getting used to (well as "used to" getting divorced as you can be I guess).
You're in a tough spot, again I commend you for sticking it out. I know most people would have bailed after such a short time. And you're young and can find someone else pretty quick, if you so desire. Good luck man! I can't say that enough...
Well you are right, having kids does change the landscape of all this quite a bit, but I can tell you that I never would have expected to be doing this for over a year. To be honest, during that time I have been up and down a lot, and I have made good choices and some bad ones. I have educated myself about my W's serious issues and now see her with more realistic eyes. I have also learned a great deal about myself and have gone a loooong way at making myself a better, healthier, stronger person. So in the end, even if all does go badly, I will not regret the year plus that has been spent trying to save it all.
Well you are right, having kids does change the landscape of all this quite a bit, but I can tell you that I never would have expected to be doing this for over a year. To be honest, during that time I have been up and down a lot, and I have made good choices and some bad ones. I have educated myself about my W's serious issues and now see her with more realistic eyes. I have also learned a great deal about myself and have gone a loooong way at making myself a better, healthier, stronger person. So in the end, even if all does go badly, I will not regret the year plus that has been spent trying to save it all.
And you'll know without a doubt you did everything you could to save your M, that will be key to your future happiness. That's why I've been kind of suggesting to Bit that he relax a bit but when you've been separated longer than you've been together well, that's a whole other thing...I think he's stud for sticking it out as long as he has.
jryan
i am really struggling with what i should do. i would not be filing because i want a divorce i would be doing it b/c i think it may help drive my wife home. if i new for sure that she would sign the papers then i would wait.
rhoch
i have done alot of educating as well. i have read alot about inscurity, depression, abandoment issues, sabotaging relationships and all kinds of things that seem to be her current characteristics.
jryan
i am really struggling with what i should do. i would not be filing because i want a divorce i would be doing it b/c i think it may help drive my wife home. if i new for sure that she would sign the papers then i would wait.
That's the gamble - will she snap out of it and come to or will she just sign and move on. You'll only know when you do it. Just gotta be sure you're ok with the bad thing happening and don't expect the good thing to happen. Stay positive but don't set yourself up for another huge fall. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst, type thing, you know?
i would not be filing because i want a divorce i would be doing it b/c i think it may help drive my wife home. if i new for sure that she would sign the papers then i would wait.
Definitely do not file if this is your reasoning. I think it would be more likely that she would see your filing as an indication that you didn't care to keep the marriage alive either. I think you would be looking at a major backfire.
yeah, i am not going to do anything until after our 1 year anniversary which is june 3. if she doesn't acknowledge the day at all and at least call me then i thing it will be time to do something. i will at least set up a meeting where i validate everything she has said to be over the last 6 months and then say i am ready when you are.
there is an expert divorce saver and he has a book which i can email you guys if your interested. one of the members here sent it to me and it is really helpful. it has alot of the same principles as dbing. and one of his things is if she is seeking the emotional divorce one of the things you can do be all for it even to the point where you seek the legal divorce.
jryan by the way i am struggling with linking these threads. i am not a real good computer person
Thanks, although I've probably seen it. I think I've seen nearly all of them over the last year. Other that DB and DR i think th ebest thing I've read was Mort Fertel's "Marriage Fitness" and "The Five Love Languages". I wish I had read them 5 years ago although I'm not sure the issues in my M would have changed at all.
this guys name is homer macdonald. i bought the 5 love languages but reading it after the fact kind of made me sad because i can't really put into effect what i learned. i think i will read through it better when i get back into another relationship.
another reason i may have to persue divorce is because i do alot of buying and selling properties and with this hanging in the balance i have not really been able to do any of it.
another reason i may have to persue divorce is because i do alot of buying and selling properties and with this hanging in the balance i have not really been able to do any of it.
Do that through a trust or corporation that she can't touch. You can definitely protect your business. Go find a lawyer who specializes in business to help you. You can't let your relationship negatively affect your business, then where would you be?
i here you jryan. i can't let her get in the way of making money, and i certainly don't want to share with her if she isn't coming home.
god i am having a bad day considering this mess is almost 6 months old.
i here you jryan. i can't let her get in the way of making money, and i certainly don't want to share with her if she isn't coming home.
That's easy, just open a bank account in the name of your corp that she can't touch.
god i am having a bad day considering this mess is almost 6 months old.
You're a stud for holding on so long with not a lot to hold on to. I hope I'm as strong when I hit 6 months.
i don't feel like a studd i just kind of am following my heart. i don't know why i have held on for so long but i have i just have something inside me that says don't give up.
for some reason i don't think she is certain that this is what she wants.
i guess i will pma and give some reasons to why i think my wife still loves me.
-she hasn't filed or takin me up on going and getting this thing behind us
-she has been more friendly on the phone which a couple of months ago would have been hard to believe.
-she is still giving reasons to why we are seperated which leads me to believe that she still is wrestling with the decesion.
-she gave multiple signs before moving out that she still loved me.
do i think it is a waste of $ for her to move out.
we should start buying a certain wine for the house
told friends we will start having kids next year
said the seperation won't lead to a divorce
said seperation is only temporaily.
said our last night together wasn't our last one.
came to one of my games and said she will come to alot
-she called and got my mom a mothers day gift. would this be done if she was certain that she wanted to go. wouldnt she start breaking away from this.
-she did so much convincing of herself and others how great she is doing which i know for a fact is not true.
-she is buying alot of emotional type things that she can't afford because she wants to feel better. i think she is probably digging a hole for herself knowing that she can always come home.
-when i validate she backs off.
-you don't call someone 12 times over a car.
there are many other positive signs
my things is once she moved out she just backed so far off and her wall got so much stronger. why?
Time, Space and Patience.
See, I like that post a lot more than the last few. Look at all those positives. Why she's holding back I have no good idea, but it's not YOU (or at least not just you). She needs to come to grips with her own demons and exorcise them! Then she can come and be the wife she wants to be in the marriage you guys deserve to have. If you're doing your thing it will rub off on her and she'll feel better. Allow yourself to have a loving, harmonious relationship with her regardless and it'll work out. You know I'm jealous that you have any contact with her at all
these are just some of the reasons that i havent thrown in the towell yet. sometimes i think i am an idiot for sticking it our although it was such a short marriage. my friends all say how can you ever trust her again and that is another thought. am i really going to be able to be with her and not worry about this happening again.
i can't believe i am still on the ride after all this time.
well today is rough. it is the 3 year anniversary of my dads death. i am sure my wife is not where of it considering he died shortly before i met her.
i would love to call and chat with her but i know it is not the right thing to do.
why does she sound so happy and appreciative to hear from me but i am not getting any calls since the car sitch was handled.
short want to vent a little
well just got email from wife that she needs insurance info again. i wonder why she emailed and didnt call? who knows it was very friendly she asked for it again nd said she was sorry she needed it again. she also said i hope your doing well. she would never had asked before how i was a couple of months ago. in my negative mind though i think it could be because she is getting over me. her anger is def. goin down. i will respond tell her tel li am doing well and thanks for asking.
god i miss my wife.
If things get worked out, you HAVE to trust her again. you're working this hard to get her back, you will be able to trust her. you forgive her and start over. Granted you don't have much history so starting over may not have the same effect as it would on, say my situation, but it's still meaningful.
I know my wife is feeling similar - she doesn't know if she can trust me. I'm guessing that is a HUGE deal for her. I hope we find out soon.
Just do like me and hope for the best and watch for those little positive changes. See if she'll read DR or something? I don't know. I'm as lost as you, I'm just 100% committed to my wife, my son - my family so I'll be here for as long as it takes. I will never give up. They'll have to drag me kicking and screaming to sign any papers - ever!
jryan,
thanks for the post. we are all kind of throwing darts at the board hoping to get a bulls eye. i don't know what to think. i have no expectations but for some reason i have a gut that tells me not to give up. most of my friends don't quite see how i could ever trust her again but i would b/c i really don't think the woman i have seen lately is the girl i married.
but she seems to be coming back and becoming happier with herself which is a must. why she is doing this i don't know but i need to figure out how to be a friend when she reaches out. i am not sure me calling is the best thing but i will play it by year.
Bit I think you know this already but make sure your interactions with her are always upbeat and positive. Let her see how great a guy you are.
As for not giving up, ultimately you know what's best for you. Follow that lead.
thanks cat, that is my goal just be friendly and act like everything is fine just the way it is.
That sounds good man, keep that attitude and it'll work out for the best. Thanks for sharing so much, it's sure helping me in my quest to save my M. I hope we can keep this up to positive beginnings of new relationships with our W's.
thanks for the post guys. jazz, i went dark once for a month and at the time i thought it was a bad thing but as i look back i think it through her off. when we wernt talking she went out of her way to tell friends how great she was doing and she started going to bars where she could run into me. at the time i thought she was rubbing it in, but as i look back i think the bar thing was hoping to run into me and trying to convince everyone how great she was i believe she was trying to get that back to me.
i am going to probably go dark for a couple of weeks through our anniversary and i want to see if there is anything on her part that gives me a clue what to do.
when i am dark though if she calls i need to respond in a positive way not with a chip on my shoulder like i have done int the past.
"what if"?
i don't get it jazz
What if your marriage ended, what would it be like. Jazz is saying you show her what life would be without you for real.
Dark is up to you bit, my concern is this, you worry to much about what to do for her. I think it's time to start thinking more about what to do for you. Quit questioning it so much. Just liive your life the way you want to live it and let her be. If she chooses to join you later great, if not so be it. YOu need to get the mentality that she made this choice and you are going to keep on living your life and not stop it waiting around on her. You can continue to live your life and honor your vows at the same time my friend. Start doing for Bit instead of for getting bits wife back.
Ian
thanks ian, good to hear from you i always look forward to your opinion.
i just am at the end of my rope. today sucked i went to visit the church where we had my dads funeral at, and all this sucks without the support of my wife.
i am not doing anything until after our anniversary on june 3. after that i am going to either file for divorce without talking to her first, or talk to her and tell her i agree with everything she has said and we are better off and tell her that i am filing.
i am racking my brain with this dicision but if i can just stay patient until after the 3 rd and i will worry about it then.
i am just not positive today. alot of days i see all the positives that she has given me and i have a good outlook but not now i just see the glass as half empty today.
i am not doing anything until after our anniversary on june 3. after that i am going to either file for divorce without talking to her first, or talk to her and tell her i agree with everything she has said and we are better off and tell her that i am filing.
i am racking my brain with this dicision but if i can just stay patient until after the 3 rd and i will worry about it then.
That's about 2 more weeks, that's a good timeframe, especially around your anniversary. Do you think she'll do anything about that? Don't sweat the bad days, they happen to us all - I tend to have bad weekends, but that's me.
Ian is dead on though, we all want to do things for our spouse. It feels like if we do that we can "fix it." You know I'm right there with you, I'm a mess!
But I get up, go to the gym, go to work, see a therapist, hang out with my friends or family, mountain bike, go so sporting events, go to church, read good books, spend time with my S, ANYTHING to get my mind on me. Now, I have to be careful because one of my W's buttons is my over-spending, so I can't go spend a lot of money, but YOU can!
I actually have a spending tracker I carry around with me to find patterns in my spending that I can reduce even further. Shoot, I've already cut out buying lunch every day (and dinner, for that matter.) It's actually become a time-killer, and a difficult goal that I have to pay attention to. That takes my mind off things a lot.
Whatever works for you to make YOU feel better (and isnt harmful, of course) go do it.
thanks jr
believe me i have done ton for myself since this. i have spent 4 or 5 weekends in nyc. i went to ecuador for 2 weeks, and went to atlanta for the final 4. i have season tix to the phillies and have been to a bunch of games. i spend a couple of nights a weeks hitting my favorite watering holes with my boys.
i workout at least 2 sometimes 3 days a week. i sit in my back yard by the pool and read and just veg everyday. life is good for me but i am just so stinkin confused about someone can do a complete 180 in a matter of weeks.
Damn, that sounds good!
And it probably wasn't a matter of weeks, it was probably brewing for a long time, since it doesn't have everything to do with you.
I know my W let things go for a long time before kicking me out. I'm working on forgetting the past and focusing on the future. It's hard, but visualizing how our M will be when we get back together helps, it really does. It keeps you positive. Shoot, like I've said before I think you're doing pretty damn good. I'd just say keep it up and good things will happen.
Hey bit, let go of June 3rd for now until it comes ok. Just forget about thinking about the do I file or not until that day comes. Get it out of your head, it's not going away. We will deal with that when the time comes.
Shoot me an email when you get a chance bit, gasmanmem@hotmail.com.
Ian
i meant to say i work out 2 or 3 times a day not a week. 2 or 3 a week wouldn't be very much now would it. i usually bike 20 to 25 miles in morning, lift weights in the afternoon, and i play in a mens basketball league a couple of days a week.
anyhow just wanted to clear it up i was embarrassed by bragging about working out 2 days a week.:)
jr
my wife couldn't have been brewing that long we were only married a couple of months. heck she bought house furniture a couple of weeks before the bomb. not to mention she was giving me cards telling me how much she loved me.
Bit,
HELLO!! Sorry, I haven't been around on the boards much. Listen to Ian about not thinking of filing vs not until June 3rd. It's kind of far away anyway...More than 10 days away.
Continue to focus on yourself and let it go for now.
rainbowlove
--------------------
All is here and so much more is coming!
hi rainbow
good to hear from you. i know i have to just live the next couple of weeks and then decide.
her tone has really changed, her anger seems way down and she actually ask how i am doing. my last phone call she thanked me two or three times for calling and she seemed happy for the first time in a while.
what this means for me is i have no idea. our last meeting which is over a month ago now she was still defensive and when i said she should move home (i know backslide) she said" you need a trophy wife, and that you made me look bad in front of my friends".
i just wish she would know how frustrated i was and that i just has so much bottled up anger that i would unleash when we were drinking. her behavior after her dad died had me so frustrated and before that there was only one instance where i gave her shi$t for her drinking in front of friends before the wedding.
i want to email her and defend myself so bad when it comes to this.
Bit you know you have some small positives here in her attitude. Maybe she's worried about that date as well and now is considering all options. So why make that date any different than any other day. Where is it written in stone that you have to do anything on that date? Maybe you have an opportunity here and that day is an opportunity for you.
hey cat
thanks for the advice. that isnt the actual day i will file but that day and how it goes will guage what i do in the coming weeks. if she can ignore that day then i have a pretty good idea where she is and what is worth fighting for.
just journaling
kind of wondering why my wife emails sun. asking me for insurance info. i get it back to her on monday and i am a little surprised she hasn't emailed me back thanking me. she also didn't acknowledge the fact that the anniversary of my dads death was sunday. wouldn't a normal friend just email back saying thanks.
i have also come to the conclusion that i have to ween myself off of this site for a while. i am not getting any better or healthier b/c i am obsessing over this whole ordeal, whether it be my sitch or someone elses. i need to get away from all this. i need to distance myself from divorce in general and spend a month just focusin on other things. i could see if i actually had something to report but there is nothing.
this site is great but you have to use it the right way. i think there are alot more success stories then what we hear about i just think that by the time there is success those people are so detached that they are no longer here.
i am not in a good place right now, my wife after 6 months is still far to heavy on my mind. b/c morning noon and night she is my focus.
so if you see less of me be happy for me because i am mentally going somewhere else for a while.
That's not a bad idea dude. But, don't eliminate support systems, no matter how small.
Stop obsessing about her (I know, I'm the same way) and you'll feel liberated. I'm worried about my first meeting with my W, but I'm not obsessing about her on a daily basis. I'm more worried about my actions so I don't screw up the changes I've made over the last 2 months.
Don't get defensive with her, say, "You're right, I was a jerk." And show her you mean it. DON'T do it again!
Anyway Bit, I appreciate the input you've had on my threads, so don't be too much of a stranger! Thanks!!!
Distancing from here is not always bad Bit. I was on here ALL day from like Nov.-Jan/Feb. Now I hop on to check in on my favs and to give updates on my sitch from time to time.
JR is right too though, don't forget this BB is here for you as support. Bouncing ideas off of others & getting inspiration from the successes are best done here because...we understand better than friends and family who are a little biased
just want to give everyone and update on something that could be great news.
i have been seeing a lawyer about sending my wife formal sep. papers and am doing so this weekend. well i emailed her yesterday because i wanted to give her a heads up and let her know they were coming. i emailed and told her i needed to talk to her. she called and emailed back within 5 minutes.
we finally talked for about and hour and she then came over. first time i have seen her in a couple of months.
when she got here she hugged me and started bawling her eyes out. we had a great visit kissed and hugged and talked alot. she then had to leave for her second job. well she called an half hour later because they sent her home because she couldn't stop crying. she called me again and we went out to dinner. talked alot she basically confirmed alot of my thoughts during this whole sep.
i just wanted to give people a decent story i am by no means back with her but it was an encourging visit. have faith everyone you never know what they are going through.
Thanks for that bit..some of us are having a hard time holding onto hope (namely me). That's great to hear and I wish you the best.
Dude, I was JUST thinking about you the other day.
I am so glad to hear you had a positive experience FINALLY! That is sweeeeeet!
So what else is going on, how are things for YOU?
yeh it was great. i need to be prepared for a slow process though. she already has backed off a little and did not return a phone call from yesterday. she was such an emotional wreck wed. i wanted to see how she was doing. but this will def. be at her speed and i can't allow her to put me back on the roller coaster. she admitted how confused she still is and i have to accept that but in some ways i wish i was never teased.
i am doing well otherwise staying busy. i workout a ton, bike between 30 and 40 miles a day, lift everyday, and i play in a couple of mens basketball leagues. plus i live at the shore and summers are nuts so my sociol life is great.
Nice dude.
I don't know if you've checked this out, but go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and check out David's stuff. I'd recommend getting his book. He has some great stuff that can be done FOR YOU that can work right into DBing, or whatever else you might be doing. It'll help you find your confidence and help you really know what your W is saying when you talk to her. It works too.
Don't be a stranger!
thanks jr
well i guess i am back for a while. i need to stay patient. i was ready to throw in the towell and she has thrown a wrinkle into it.
she is very confused which i guess is a step up from before bc she never would have admitted to being confused. before it was i am 1000 percent sure that i don't want to be with him. so anyway we talked yesterday i had to intiate the call again i def. back slid a little by wanting answers out of her. she said she doesn't know she is confused. well so am i, not about how i feel about her but what is best for me.
she did make the comment that she doesn't know if there was a connection between us. i find that to be complete bs heck it seemed like there was a connection when she was kissing me.
so we left that we would go out on occasion and test the waters, no expectation, if something happens it happens. i am a little confused about the events of the past couple of days. is it normal for them to back off once they show you so much? i need help to not screw this up. anyone with great advice i would love to hear it.
Um yeah dude. I think you'll find it almost universal that when they show some emotion and appear to be headed back to you, they back off a bit, sometimes more than a bit.
Check with Catfan, or 789, or even me to a lesser extent. I had the 2nd meeting with my W 3 weeks ago! She was thinking about giving us another chance, and now NOTHING for 3 weeks. Wanna talk about backing off??? LOL!
So, it's normal but you can deal with it, if she's important enough to you.
Have a great day!!!
yeah well i am impatient that is for sure. if i ask her out a couple of times and she doesn't comply then i will give up fast. i have been through this long enough. she is going to have to sh*t or get off the pot. i was ready to move on and she is the one that showed the feelings and emotions. i am going to talk to my brother in law tommorrow and guage what he thinks. they talk alot and he was trying to explain to her on sat. that it is normal that the first dates are going to feel a little awkward. my wife has said that she doesn't know if there was a connection or not when we were out. i think it was nerves. when she came over in the afternoon and did't have time to think about what was happening and we were kissing there was def. a connection. plus after the kissing and sitting on lap encounter is when she became and emotional mess. if there was nothing there she would have left and wouldn't have felt a think never mind feeling so much that she had to be sent home from work because she couldn't stop crying.
alright going out for a couple of cold ones sunday nights at the shore is a good night.
bit, impatience will kill it all for the two of you so you have to very, very carefully manage your expectations here. (Pot calling the kettle black here too.)
A couple of things from a bit of experience with WAW that apparently is somewhat coming back a bit. Expect pullback after each positive move forward. Remember 2 steps forward, one step back. But it's one step further than you were before.
As for the separation papers, be really, really, really careful here. My wife probably did more harm than anything when she sprang them on me back a month or so ago. To that point we have been moving forward at a pretty good clip. I'll admit to being a mess for a couple of weeks after the first draft arrived. I think she realized how bad that was and now isn't so much in a rush to get it done. (Hopefully I am not misreading the situation here.) So if you can delay the papers a week or what ever that might be a good thing assuming you two already are working off a basic verbal agreement.
Good luck my friend! Remember Positive Mental Attitude!
Well I can't tell you if you have been thru this long enough. But I saw my name mentioned a page back and ended up reading all your threads. You do have the 2 steps forward and 1 step backwards working real well with her, I do not believe that is a bad thing.
One thing I did notice thru-out your threads, you keep repeating yourself about how you know it is not time to give up. Not sure if it is time or not, but I don't think you believe yourself that it is time. Just the other day you were as excited as all heck, then two days later you were ready to move on, that sounds like alot of us in here. I would take those 2 steps forward and 1 step back for a long time as long as they kept comming. I would gather that she may be just as confused about her feelings daily as you are, is it worth giving her the benefit of doubt about that?
And what about the
kissing in your last post, I have not had a kiss since end of February or beginning of March, will trade you any day of the week for that. Also sent home from work because she couldn't stop crying, well you have to know she is thinking, that is always a good sign. I always wonder if my wife thinks at all about us, you know yours is thinking.
I guess what I am saying in all this is that you have to do what is best for you and your well-being. Just don't do anything in haste or anger, you have alot of baby steps from your wife that many of us in here would love to have.
One thing that helps me recently is, what if I filed to either get her back, doubt that would work, or to just end it all and the pain. Well in thinking about it, I figure I would not be doing anything different, I know I am not ready to date, I know I am not looking for anyone or having any one chase me. So whether I file or not, nothing changes, so why do it. If she wants a divorce, she can do the work and file, my life would not change. Then again, if I don't, and she has all this time with nothing going on, she might realize I am the greatest catch on earth. "no offense to you other guys, but someone has to be the greatest
"
Do what you must do, just make sure it is the right decision for you and what the consequences would be.
Hey Bit, I read your email and caught up on your thread. Sorry it took so long, just got back from Scotland lat night.
Look, I want to share with you one thing. If you read back through my sitch you will see that my Wife and I had a similar experience. She showed that she wanted to try and we headed down that road. Now where we went wrong is that I pushed to hard. It does take an extreme amount of patience to do this my friend.
You have gotten the answer that you were looking for, she does want to try and is not ready to give up, isn't that what is really important here? So now it's about making it easier for her. You must be her "friend" for now and show her that you want to reestablish that friendship first.
My suggestion, sit down with her and talk about friendship. Let her know that your marriage is important enough to you that you want to reconnect on that level first and see where it goes from there.
Jazz is right, she is in the drivers seat and you need to tell her that. You need to let her know that she is driving, that she must make the efforts to be your friend and that friendship works both ways. Allow her to set the pace while still showing that you are fine without her.
Don't sweat the big stuff buddy, look at the small markers that matter. Just the fact that she showed you she does not want your marriage to end yet should give you some of that needed strength to continue on.
I'm here if you need me bud.....
Ian
thanks for the input guys i really need the support now so i don't screw this up. very positive progress was made and i need to stay upbeat about it. the fact that she would even admit to being confused is earth shattering for her. if she has just shown it then she has probably been feeling it for quite sometime.
catfan, i have to send the sep. papers. i am trying to buy more property and open up another business and can't risk having her be able to be a part of it although she says that is not her intention. patience is the key. i just want to call her right now but she needs to as jazz says Drive.
789 your right i have to appreciate what has happened, before this i would have been thrilled to know i had a day like that on the horizon.
ian, thanks buddy how was the trip? i also believe friendship is the key. when she showed the emotion the other day and we kissed i just wanted to stay on that path but i need to take a step back as well. i need her to know that i am not sure if i can commit to us either.(which is the truth, i have some serious doubts as well) your advice has been great and listening to it has def. helped my cause. the staying dark was huge, she said she has been wanting to talk for a while, i guess talking to family and friends was her way of testing the waters to see if it was ok. its funny every time i say i need to talk it sends her into a emotion mess, she doesn't want a divorce, that is obvious i think it is just a matter of her getting comfortable enough with herself to take that chance.
i was just thinking. one thing my wife said after we went out the other night is she didn't know if she felt a connection when we had dinner. my thought is of course you didn't. we have been sep. for 7 months, have not seen eachother in two months, and have not spoken in 6 weeks, our first time together (altough that afternoon when there was no time to think was very natural)is not going to feel perfect. my brother in law said to her it is not going to fit like a well worn glove, you have to break it in again. i don't know what her expectations were but the more emotional and tougher your break up is the harder it is going to be to be relaxed right away..
i have not talked to her since sat. figured i would give her a couple of days to digest everything. i am learning when they put there wall up your wasting your time.
talked to her yesterday. of course i did the calling to invite her to stop by for my moms bday party. the next goal is to get her to start initiating some of the contact and some of the get togethers. how do i do this? back off? the anniversary of her dads death is on thurs. so i will def. have to call her and see how she is then. after that i may back of for a bit although i am anxious to get out with her. i need some serious help when it comes to pushing the right buttons now. this is where my dbing is going to make or break me.
Hey Bit, just my opinion, but yes make sure you let her know that you recognize the significance of Thursday. Do it in the morning and let her know that you can make yourself avaiable all day if she needs you.
We both know that this played a big role in where she is today.......
Ian
terrible back slide today. she came over for my moms bday party and it didn't go well. when leaving she gave me a hug and said she is sorry. then she will go out if i want to but doesn't want to lead me on. f u . don't do me any favors. i had a couple or more then a couple drinks in me and i deff. opened my mouth. i just couldn't take her back tracking on everything that happened last wed. last wed. all happened because she had a bad day at work and was weak.
now what do i run for my life or do i do what i have done and basically what she admitted to last week and realize she says alot of things trying to push me away. she admitted she represses alot and goes into denial. she is as open as one can be one day and now i think she flat out lies to my face a week later. on sat. she was very confused and on wed. all of a sudden she has all the answers. i beginning to look and feel like an idiot for even still being consumed 7 months later with a nut job.
what a day..
i just can't find anything that gives me a good idea on how a was typically returns.
as i said it really seemed that my R was heading in the right direction with her having a major break down and opening up last wednesday, to the point that i actually recognized my wife. well she was back to normal almost immediatly. then on wed. she comes over with a nice gift for my mother gives me a hug and says i am sorry for stirring the pot for you. then my back slide really began. she looked me dead in the eye and said she doesn't love me when i asked her to. she blamed her whole break down the week before on having a bad day. how can she be so confused one day and be so sure the next is beyond me.
anyway i am looking all over for anything that tells me how a WAS typically comes home. is there trepidation, is there major back offs. no question i pushed her to the point where she ran behind the wall, but i got the impression she really ran this time. i wish when she came over last wed. i would have played it like i didn't give a hoot either way and no matter how she opened up to me i would have been strictly biz trying to get her to sign this damn sep. paper. this could be the backslide that does me in for good and it is my own stinking fault. the worst part is i knew what to do but the fact that i am brutally honest i just could pull off the act i needed.