Seperated in my head want divorce. NEED help.

Divorcebusting.com

Hi. I've been DBing for over three years now...it has been difficult to say the least. I am including my story here so you don't have to search. I'd appreciate it if you would catch up on my sitch and then help me decide what to do. I am almost certain I want a divorce because I simply cannot get past my wife's infidelity. I still love her very much, I just can't continue to be her husband. I have been holding on because of my children. A 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. But, I have many good reasons to NOT divorce:

I don't want a divorce because I don't want them to come from a broken family like I did.

Kids need a mom.

I don't want my children to have another father (as in step-father when my wife remarries).

I can't stand the idea of hurting my children.

There is no such thing as a good divorce.

Divorce is expensive and I am broke.

Here is my story in pieces from other threads:
Dec., 2002
my w told me she isn't over an old boyfriend from waaayyy back. She entered therapy to

figure out why. A week before Christmas she announced she wanted a d because I am never happy and never attended therapy as she suggested many times. I am a depressed
person and I am on medication for it; so is she. They are helping. I never entered therapy because I wanted my w to figure out what to do first. I feared too many changes at the same time...I never knew my marriage was on the line. I am reading DB and she is reading about how to survive a divorce. My wife has a PhD. in Psychology and has said that none of the methods in DB will work for us. She has reluctantly agreed to couples counseling and I am also seeing a therapist to try to become more of a happy person. She is talking in absolutes: "You're never happy," "This won't work," "I never loved you." We have been friends for 15 years and married for 6. We have two very young children.

Apr., 2003
I spied on my wife. I know I promised I wouldn't, but she did or said something one day last week that just didn't feel right. So, I installed software to intercept emails. I am glad I did because everything is out in the open now.

My W has had two affairs since August. One was kinda innocent (comparatively) while the other was pretty hurtful. She and the OM had many meetings for lunch. Then had a couple of quickies. Then spent a weekend together.

The emails from her professed her love, desire, and devotion to him. He wrote her poetry (pretty crappy stuff, if I do say so myself). Together they plotted to shed their marriages and be happy forever in each others arms at his cabin by the river. I guess I don't have to mention how painful this was to me...but what really hurt was him asking if my children would call him daddy, telling her how he would dicipline my hildren, and his wondering if I would be able to keep up child support when I am sick all of the time!

She wrote him a list of things she loved about him. It hurt to read that she loves his love of the outdoors. I am not an outdoors kind of person. I have severe allergies and
everything makes me either wheeze or sneeze. I have always had low self esteem because of my health as I have always felt betrayed by my body. She knows how sensative I am about it. I'm sure she never thought I would know she wrote such a thing.

I saw a lawyer, found out my options. I confronted her with my evidence and explained how things were going to be. I get the kids, I get the house, she leaves withing 30 days, we split bills and visitation, and we part as amicably as possible. If not, this state has a little known law about Absence of Affection which states that I can sue him for damages, loss of spousal income, and even for half of college tuition. It would be extremely expensive and a long battle in court, but I would most likely win.

Then the lawyer sues him for his fees as well. I would still get the house and the kids since she was the one who had the affair, she would be out, and he would lose a lot of money.

And my ace in the hole? Did I forget to mention the affairs were with her patients?!

That is a HUGE ethical no-no, one that ruins careers and strips the doc of any licensure!

She broke down, but was relieved she no longer had to hide it. She said she wanted the affair to be over a while ago, but she didn't know how to do it. She said she would never have taken my children away and that she thought it was love but realized that it was a crush. She said it was a big mistake and that she was very sorry for hurting me. Then she agreed to all of my terms and I never mentioned the part about turning her in to the State Licensing Board.

She could not stop saying how sorry she was. Today, she sent me an email again saying she was sorry and she wanted to know if there was any hope of working things out? She
promised to work on the marriage and never cheat on me again. She said since I had returned to the day shift and I was with her more, she realized why and how much she really loves me. She also said she would do anything to keep us from divorce.

So, my dilema? Why should I believe she has had a change of heart just because she got caught? I have her over a barrel right now and can walk away from this marriage with the things I want if I file papers. If I don't, do that right now, the state thinks we are trying to reconcile from the day of "disclosure" to whenever, and if things don't work out and we wind up still getting a divorce, then I don't get anything I mentioned earlier.

This would be an easy decision if I didn't love her so much. And my children need their mom to be here with them. My W has ended the affair, cold turkey, and I can see

it in her eyes that she wants to save the marriage. At least I think so. Then again, I asked her in therapy if she was having an affair and she lied. I thought her eyes were telling the truth then, too.

Why should I trust her now just because she feels guilty and is in pain?

If you have read this far, thank you. If you have any words to offer, I would appreciate it. I have a little more to write, and then I'll let you go...

I still cannot trust her, but tonight I told her that I needed a show of faith that she is serious about saving our marriage: I asked her to turn herself into the Licensing Board and ask for Supervision. Anything could happen after that. She might lose her license or she might have to seek counseling from several sources and relearn the ethics of being a therapist. She would also learn how to set bounderies.

She has agreed to do this, but asked how can she be certain I still will not file for divorce after she gives herself up? I said, "Because I promise I won't and you'll just have to trust me."

So, am I a doormat? A weak person? A fool? And if anyone could please tell me how to

stop this pain in my soul, I would be very thankful.

Aug., 2003
Ok, now for the legal stuff that happened yesterday. The Prosecuting Attorney wanted to really throw the book at me and put me in jail for a year. Then he wanted to tack on a fine because I "committed a serious crime with a deadly weapon and could have killed the other man." Then, the arresting officer (who actually apologized for having to arrest me) spoke to the Judge and Prosecuting Attorney and explained the considerable control, fortitude, and restraint it takes a man in such a passionate situation, to not kill someone. He pointed out that I had a knife on the guy's throat and let him go. The Judge even said he didn't think he would have such control in the same situation. He reminded the other members of the court that I tried to have "the law" step in and help but when they failed, I went to defend my wife's honor and safety.

So his testimony got my sentence down to 120 hours of community service. Then my lawyer pointed out how the other man was "stalking" my wife and how could I not

confront the other man in an attempt to keep her safe. They wrangled for a while longer (I think my lawyer explained to the other man that he had evidence of the affair that his wife didn't know about, which would probably lead to her divorcing him - all of this was behind closed doors, by the way). My lawyer was able to get my sentence reduced to 20 hours of community service as long as I apologized to the other man and shake his hand if front of the courtroom. I told my lawyer to go back to the other room and tell the s.o.b. that I would do what I did again given the same situation, I was happy I did it, and that he was absolutely not getting an apology.

After all was said and done, I got 40 hours of community service and didn't have to give an apology. So at least that part of this saga will be over soon.

June., 2004
Yes, I am tired of the annaversaries, the quotes, the things that were written, the bills, and the videotape that keeps running in my head. I am weary of it all. I hope you are doing better.

I did not know I had a place of honor for what I did to the om...that brings a smile to my face, actually. It probably shouldn't, I know. That annaversary is coming up too. While my goal of convincing the om to stay away from my family was met, it sure was expensive. It cost $3600 to have a lawyer help with the criminal aspect of the case. That part is over now.

But the bastard is suing me for mental anguish and damages because he has been unable to work since I confronted him. I was supposed to have a trial on Feb., 24, 2004 but it was continued so his lawyer can concentrate on suing my wife for malpractice. My wife is also being sued for malpractice by the om's wife since the two originally came to my wife's office for marriage councelling.

Then my case will be picked up again.

My wife will lose both of her cases. Her lawyer has said so. His job is damage control as he tries to keep those people away from our assets (of which we have few). If my wife's insurance company doesn't cover the full amount of what is awarded, it comes out of our pockets. House, car, everything could go.

Aside from the hurt I have endured because of her two affairs, is it fair for me to have to lose all I own too? And what if we don't have to payout, she still owes about $100,000 for student loans, bills to her now closed practice, and lawyer fees. What about the quality of life my kids miss out on because of all of the damn bills we pay? Oh, and did I mention that my wife is now unemployed? WHY, somebody please tell me, why do I stay??

*****************************************************

So my wiife and I are bankrupt and still in the middle of a bunch of legal battles. She doesn't suspect I am considering divorce. There is no OW involved, I just want out of this marriage. I am not able to forgive the pain she has caused me. What I need to know is:

HOW do I get a divorce without screwing up my children for the rest of their lives???

If you have read all of this, I thank you. If you can help, I thank you very much.

Hey there, SBH -
I remember your saga.
Don't have time to deliberate tonite, but I'll get back to you with some thoughts in a day or two.

In the meantime - take a deep breath and enjoy the day tomorrow. Seems to me the past and the future are squeezing today right out from under you. Make some good memories tomorrow.

Ellie

ELLIE!!!

I am so happy to hear from you!!!

made some nice memories on TG, but somebody said something and my mind goes back to thinking about my wife's infidelities and the hurt she has caused...it is like this every day! It's like a cancer that has to be cut out!

...but then I think about the pain the children will feel if I file for divorce.

God when will this end!? I can't stand it anymore!!!

I know hard it is to get over infidelity it took me a long time and I don't think I'm over it because there are times that I still want to kill her for hurting my kids and breaking up my family my H left in june b/c I couldn't stop badgering him abour her there affair went on for 3-1/2 years. I know how it plays in your head my thing now is all the things we have done as a family while he was with her and how many times he put my kids on the back burner so that he could be with her. He says he is not still seeing her and is just talking to her at work but I really don't know if thats true. My H has filed for D and now I'm just waiting for the new papers to come so all I can tell you is that as far as the infidelity you can't stop it and you can't make it go away it will continue to consume you for as long as you let or you can just accept itand move on with your life. I hope this can help you Joa,

Good evening SBH your story is one of long enduring pain some of the same pain I have felt for about a year or better. Why do we still love people who treat us badly I ask myself this Question alot. Sometimes I get very angry and then sometimes I wish she was back in my arms. W moved out a week ago and walked away without a goodbye or drop dead or anything. Why should I even care about someone who walks out on a 28 year marriage and acts like I'am something of a pain in the a#* . I have to keep reminding myself that I'am not alone in this and that there are plenty of horror stories out there like mine. And let me tell you that you are a tower of power to still be there I couldn't have lasted that long. I have no expertise in legal matters pertaining to bankruptcy but I'am curious as to what state you live in as laws vary from state to state.
I;am sure that you are already praying everyday as this is something I have learned to do in the past year and it does help calm things down a bit. I to have worked the off shift and this didn't help my S out. One thing you might do to help yourself out is talk with friends and family they can help you out and they don't charge as much as lawyers and other professional people also what about someone in the clergy? I feel for you I don't know if you are a religious person or not but I will pray for you as will others. Steve4family has been a great resource for me to talk with on these boards and he may have some great advice for you. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Jule

you are an inspiration, the strength that brought you this far is something i could only dream of, you can use that strength to get yourself and your W through this, whatever your decision is i will pray that God shows you how you came out of this and will come out of it a better person, good luck

Obviously, you care for your wife and your children or you wouldn't even be asking the questions you are asking. First, I would just like to pat you on the back for giving all of this so much consideration.

If you wife doesn't think DBing will work for the two of you, you might try looking up Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel. He and his wife were as close to collapse as you can get, I would think, with three children who died at birth or a very young age. There is also a 'boot camp' and it can be very anonymous or there can be one-on-one. The whole concept is about making "choices" to choose love, family, and marriage...and I do think it is a choice. I knew I could not save my marriage but I took part as a single in one of the boot camp tracks just to see if I could give myself a different perspective on relationships and what I would really like in my life. I came away with a pretty darn good vision statement/mission statement regarding relationships. Maybe if you could do something like this as a couple you could ascertain whether or not yoou could develop a trust in your wife again.

Good luck to you, whatever you choose.

kc

SBH Haven't heard anything from you is everything OK. I know dealing with Lawyers is quite an ordeal they don't seem to have a lot of compassion they are expensive and do not offer any guarantees.

i think you are very brave to have gone through so much. Remember when initially your wife was having the affair you didn't really want a divorce.

If she really has kept her word and you see a real change then I think you should not rush into a divorce. She made a mistake that has worked out very wrong but that cannot be reversed. As long as she has learnt from her mistake, there is still hope.

On the other hand if you feel you cannot take it any more then you are justified to divorce.

Thanks everyone for the kind words. I have been busy this week with the children as W read a 2 ft tall stack of legal papers in order to prepare for her meeting with lawyers today...I'll keep you posted on how things went.

It just brings it all back, right in my face. And I can't stand her for it!

sadbuthopeful:

My wife is a child of divorce, although her parents divorced when she was 20 years old in the middle of college. She hates them for living a lie and the way they tore her life apart when she was trying to get a college education. She never was able to finish school because of the scars they left behind during those years of her life. She wishes they had divorced when she was young. She tells me so many times that it hurts her more to know that they lived a lie until she was grown up than it does to know that they weern't in love. I think kids can handle it better than young adults can handle it.

I also have a male friend in his mid-20's whose parents got a divorce just two years ago and it has really messed him up.

There is no doubt in my mind that smaller children can recover from something like this faster than adults who really aren't adults yet.

I would never advise a divorce but in your case it seems like you married a habitual liar and cheater who simply cannot stay a good person for very long. Some people are just bad people. I wish you the best of luck and hope that none of this has offended you........

I am certainly not offended. I know divorce hurts at any age. I guess what I am trying to do is damage control and I very much do not want to live a lie. Thank you for your words.

Does anyone have any words on how to lessen the pain my children will feel?

sticking my 2 cents in.
If you love her, try. Get over the affairs. There is an underlying reason for them and that's what you have to figure out. Let everything go. When you figure out what was "missing" which caused the affairs, then try to resolve those issues. The process of resolving the underlying issue will either bring you closer to your W or make it clear that you cannot work it out. Either way the As will be on the back burner for awhile and you will find that you are going to get past them one way or another. If your love and endure fixing the underlying problem, you may look back on the As as a horrible mistake which you know will never happen again.

The underlying reason for the affairs is a flaw in her character. NOTHING I did or said should have made her sleep around. You don't just throw away a marriage because you are lonely and depressed, and your husband isn't around to comfort you because he is working or hurt all of the time.

And I have tried to "get over them." Three years ago today she took a day trip to think about things while her parents, visiting from out of state, and I readied the house for Christmas. What I later found out was my wife was visiting her fat lover on his birthday and her parents knew about it! They were all smiles to my face knowing their daughter was out pi$$ing on her wedding vows.

Three years ago today this happened and it feels as terrible to me today as it did then. "Get over them" you say? If I could don't you think I would have?! I can't get over them! And I am stuck because I don't want to destroy my family with divorce, but I do not love my wife.

And her parents are coming for another Christmas visit today...Why am I wasting my life away living in the hell??? Can somebody tell me why I am so nuts!!!!

Oh, and Merry Christmas.

Honestly,
I had to go back to my post b/c from reading your reply I assumed that you caught me on one of my bad days.
Reading it, I think that you did not. Actually, it was a good day, and I just my thoughts were more profound than I could articulate.
I am sorry that you feel that you do not love your wife.
I am not in a position ot give you advise.
I realize that the A is not your fault, as with my H, there is something sacred which was violated, which I never dreamed could happen. For me, I have decided that I can love my H beyond the A.
What I meant by the underlying reason, is not that you did something wrong, it is that your W preceived something lacking which she fould fulfilled with OM, that is the thing that needs fixed.
I am sorry for your anger, there needs to be a time to forgive and get passed the anger, you have to decide how to get there.

Like many others, I am truly sorry for your pain. Nobody deserves to be put through the hell you've had too endure.

Quote:

And I have tried to "get over them."

You have tried. AWESOME. Good for you. It is truly admirable that you gave her that opportunity. I admire all of the people on this board that have tried, despite their pain.

There is nothing stated anywhere that says you have to FORGIVE her.

Part of forgiveness is about KNOWING you can TRUST the other person to not repeat their actions. You may simply NOT TRUST. Deep down, you probably KNOW that she will do it again. And, you find that unacceptable. Who wouldn't?

Quote:

Why am I wasting my life away living in the hell??? Can somebody tell me why I am so nuts!!!!

Simply, because you choose to.

Because you have a flaw in your character.

The flaw in your character is NOT that you can't forgive her.

The flaw in your character is that you are paralyzed to ACT. I know that sounds harsh. But, if you KNOW you can't love her, it is totally illogical and downright self-defeating to continue. Give yourself the opportunity for future happiness. Don't be a martyr.

You may turn-around and say there are many people on this board that also refuse to act, but we'll just use ShockedAndAlone or myself as an example. WE ARE ACTING. We are choosing to FORGIVE; to try to work it out. It is an uphill battle. It is painful. We also sometimes wonder why we put ourselves through this because in the end it may not work out. But, here's the key, WE KNOW we can love our spouses again.

Ultimately, it is just a different, EQUALLY ADMIRABLE, choice. We KNOW that we can make a different CHOICE at a later date, when we become convinced that the other will not be capable of loving us.

You deserve a life. MAKE A CHOICE that gives you that opportunity. No matter what your CHOICE, you can always make a different CHOICE the next day, the next month, or the next year.

Best of Luck

SBH you couldn't have said it better. It is a flaw in their character and they can't stand to hear it yet admit this. It seems like this situation with her is not helped by her parents not setting her straight about this inappropriate behavoir even if blood is thicker than an inlaw. SBH I would tell you what I might say to her parents but there is so much anger and hurt (and Believe me I"am feeling the same things you are) in this matter that it probably isn't in your best interest.
You are dealing with a lot right now not only with your W and her parents and your children but all the legal matters that you have. You are a strong person I can tell by the way you are dealing with these problems. Take things one at a time and be patient with them you don't have to be in a hurry. Just remember you are not alone myself and others are going thru this as well and if you need someone to talk to or just to blow off some steam let it go.
As far as living with your wife for the welfare of the children. That's a tough call, but if you are miserable being around her then this may not be to healthy for anyone.
Take care of yourself SBH you are in our prayers

Jule

SBH -
so sorry, I lost track of your thread after that last visit.

Some things for you to ponder:
1) IF you are planning on staying for the sake of the children, then you need to find a way to forgive her - for YOUR sake - and move forward.

2) IF you really cannot take living with your W any longer - I cannot lay any blame at your feet. You've tried extraordinarily hard. I'm living in reconciliation with my H after a very brief affair he had, nothing like what most of you have had to endure, and he has come back to me in all ways and made everything up to me, and it's been 3 years - and frankly, it is STILL hard some days. I've been having flashbacks during the holidays, I have to really work at this still sometimes.

What is your wife currently doing to make you feel loved? How is she doing at meeting your needs? Has she gotten the help that she needs? Maybe you are feeling this frustrated because she really isn't doing what is required to repair this relationship?

Ellie

I am sorry for taking so long to reply. I have had to do a vast amount of soul searching these past months and I am not finished yet. Some things have changed dramatically, so much so that if I choose divorce, the time is now.

I am happy to report the lawsuit against me has been dropped and the jerks suing my wife settled with her malpractice insurance company for the sum of $30,000. It sucks that they get anything at all because I didn't get squat, but at least I am not in jail for killing the OM. I also know that he went through three sets of lawyers to sue me, and our filing bankruptcy foiled his attempts to get our home, so in the long run, his lawyer bills were as high as what his winnings were. So, he netted absolutely nothing. Yay me.

After the papers were signed and the lawsuits were over, my wife and I sold our home and moved to another state to get back on our feet again. We are living with her parents as we look for another home. It sucks very much for me to be here, but the children are being doted on to no end. Soccer camp...music camp...swimming...things I could not have paid for at this time. We are still completely broke. She is unemployed, but I just landed a job as a helpdesk techie. It is depressing because I feel I should be a lot farther along in my career, but it is a paycheck. My wife is looking for work and will find some soon, I am sure, but she will not be making what a PhD should be since she cannot, and doesn't want to go back to psychology. Most of what we make now will go to pay off her student loans.

Ok, now for the dilema. We will make a tidy sum on our home sale, enough to pay off the bankruptcy. But if we pay off the bankruptcy, there will not be enough to pay her parents money we owe them and we will not have enough to place a down payment on a home. However, none of this will matter if I decide to divorce her. I will be free of any lawsuits and will have emerged from bankruptcy. I can start anew. I could get an apartment in the school district where we want our children to go and she can stay with her parents. And her parents will be around to help with the children.

On a side note: the children have not been negatively affected by the move to another state because their closest friends where we used to live were moving away anyway. They are happy to be here.

Or, we can stay in bankruptcy, still be allowed to keep 20% of what we earn on our old home for a down payment on a new home, pay off her parents slowly for the next 3 years, and try to make this marriage work.

I keep telling myself that I can learn to love her again and that it is ok to not trust her yet. I keep telling myself that the children need to stay in a complete family. I tell myself I stay because I cannot allow my children to have a step father or step mother. They truly are great kids and I don't want to ruin that.

It is true...I have been paralyzed to act. My ego has been crushed so badly that I don't feel like anyone would want me after I divorce and that is another, albeit pathetic, reason to stay. Better the devil I know...ya know?

I have no heart and am cold inside except for the deep love I feel for my children. I don't want either of them to ever stay in a bad relationship because they learned it from me. I have such anger and resentment for my inlaws for betraying me and I hate the fact I am living with them.

My wife surely doesn't know my feelings as of this moment. Perhaps I should tell her so she can do more to make me want to stay. We recently laughed together and for a brief moment, I forgot most of the pain and held hope. But the love just doesn't seem to be there for me anymore.

Should I take the chance to start a new life for myself? Or should I buy a new home with my wife and hope I learn to love her once more? I wish I could say time will tell, but the time to act is now because of the opportunity to emerge from bankruptcy.

I have 20 days to decide...

Sad,

Are you sure you can never love your wife? Your sincere concern for the welfare of your children coming from an intact family signifies to me that you have much to give.

I've read some of the posts to you about younger children being better able to handle divorce. As an adult whose parents divorced when I was 4, I can tell you that isn't necessarily so. I have spent a lifetime with pretty low self-esteem and wondering what on earth was so horrible about me that my parents didn't want me. I've been through therapy, started that for an adult diagnosis of ADD, and spent a lot of time with a counselor who continuously told me how remarkable I have done with my life. I don't feel I have done anything anyone else wouldn't do. Therapist apparently thinks I have.

My point, I guess, is that I think it is difficult to see how much we can and do love another person when we don't love ourselves. Do you love yourself? Do you even like yourself? I myself would answer no to both of those questions at least 50% of the time.

No one can really help you make this decision. My XH was having an affair and left stating he "didn't want to be married anymore." ILYBINILWY, and so on. I'm doing okay on my own. Our kids are grown and they are all doing okay most of the time...not great, not one of them is doing great! I know it won't happen, just because of the type of man my XH is, but if I had the opportunity to rebuild some type of partnership relationship with him, affairs or not, I would do that. I don't think I would ever marry him again. I don't think I will ever marry anyone...because I don't think I can ever find it in me to trust anyone that much again. But, I think it would do me, my kids, and my grandkids a lot of good to have access to their family again. Not just our core family but the extended families as well...right now, there isn't any of that.

I guess my only advice to you would be to try to figure out what is loveable about you and learn to love that...you might be surprised at who and what else you can love when you accept and feel good about yourself. I have some things in my life I am very proud of myself for right now and when I focus on that I find the world, myself included, is a whole lot more acceptable to me.

Glenda

Hi Glenda, thanks for the response. I also came from a divorced family and I am certain that fact plays into my thought processes. Divorce is a terrible and painful thing for kids to go through. My children are the main reason I have stayed this long. I will continue to stay knowing, as others have told me, that I can choose to leave at a later time if I wish. Perhaps in the meantime, either God or my Sensei will teach me how to forgive this kind of betrayal.

sadbuthopeful - I'm glad you've decided to stay, for the moment at least. It's so valuable for us LBS to see the thought processes others go through.

Glenda - your words about loving yourself really struck a chord with me. My WAH gives the appearance of being very happy and in control of the situation, but little things make me wonder.

His parents D'd when he was 16, and he lost contact with his dad who never gave him any recognition of his (not insignificant) achievements. He has always been very career driven (gets a lot of praise there) and always obsessed with having as many friends as possible (he was very badly bullied at school).

He left me because he was worried our love was going to fizzle out. I think he is desperate for that love and appreciation and felt he wasn't getting it from me. I think I understand him slightly better now - thank you!

Well... that's a really difficult decision. I think you'll ultimately have to figure out what's best for you and go with that.

For myself, I'd probably stay. Not because of love or no love, but just to be there for my kids until they are out on their own. I'd probably just put everything into the children and consider my spouse a co-parent.

I wouldn't try to love my spouse or try to get them to love me back, but I'd try to be friends with them. If you do decide to stay maybe that's where you need to go. Don't try to love her, just try to be a friend and coparent (still not easy! but I think it may be a good start).

On the other hand, I would never fault you for leaving in a situation such as you've decribed.

Flip, It is nice to know some of this sorrow somehow helps someone else understand their situation. A good thing in my kids situation, I guess, is that my XFIL has been in town and there have been two family picnics. One my younger son went to and saw his grandfather...the other the older son went and grandfather was able to see his great grandson. I am happy that they can get this connection with their dad's family but tormented at the same time that some OW is there playing with my grandchildren, visiting with my now x-siblings, etc.,...these people were my family for half of my life.

I've been trying to create my own positive energy. Michele TW talks about that a little bit. I will say though, when you have lived a childhood of betrayal by those who allegedly are there to care and have been bullied (I got that, too) it is difficult sometimes to see there might be more in life if you can love and trust. I truly thought I had found that love in XH.

I love my XMIL and XFIL a lot. I have talked with them on and off since the divorce. Even though my better judgement told me not to go there, I made the mistake of calling XSIL and asking if I could stop by and say hi to dad. Of course, you have to understand I have been told by all of these people that even though XH and I are not married that I am still family after 25 years....blah, blah, blah. My gut says differently....but I tried to put on that positive attitude. I was told it wasn't a good time and was given a couple of other "good" times...I'm not available either one. I was off yesterday for the holiday. I still have some transcription to do tonight but am really not in the mood. Son told me later he was in the kitchen when I called....XSIL was afraid it would be too awkward. Did I know about "roommate?" I made it clear I wasn't asking for a dinner invitation...just a pop in, pop out, say hi to dad and be on my way.

I used to brood about such things and although I am still sad that people say things they don't really mean I just say my piece and then try to move forward. So, I let XSIL know that I understand, I apologize for asking, and will not venture into that territory again. Heaven forbid I would not want to take a man who lied to me, cheated on me, and betrayed me and make him feel awkward because I wanted to see dad -- a man who I had known as my dad for 25+ years. I talked to dad on Father's Day and he said he wanted to see me while he was here but I'll just be happy with the chat. Someone is always terribly tormented when you tear a family apart. Sometimes it is the one who does the leaving, sometimes it is the one left behind, sometimes it is all involved.

Glenda

...and I believe that is the real reason I stay. I don't want my children torn apart.

...and I am still here. But nothing has changed. Talk about a quagmire.

I am sorry. You were totally right to want to say hello to someone who has been family to you. I hate to say it but how many more chances to we get to be together with our elders. each time is precious, right? I went through a similar sicth this summer with my ILs coming but they were on egg shells too. My H could not care less if I was there or not. His mom yelled at him for not including me in family plans. Who knows how to dismantle an entire life and family? Sometimes I dread people are only being nice to me just to get at my kids. After my parents' divorce my Grandmother was only kind and faithful to my mother, the first wife. This was hard on my father's two prospective wives later. I thought it was old fashioned that the ILs stay faithful to the First Wife. You know the OP probably think that and will always be jealous of us!

Hello Everyone. It has been seven years since I last felt the need to post. There have been many, many good times in the marriage since I last wrote in this forum and the have been, naturally, some difficult times too. I am still married to the same woman and I still love her dearly.

However, she is an alien again and wants a divorce. I don't know if she is having another affair and I don't know why she feels our marriage has never really changed for the better.

In April of 2012 I was diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's disease and one surgery has already been needed. My wife has said she doesn't want to be married to someone who is sick all of the time. If you read my earlier history you would know that I have severe allergies already and a multitude of other health issues. I will elaborate on them later but for now simply want to ask, just so I can wrap my mind around what is again happening to my marriage, if someone could post DBing's seven steps. All I can remember is "Going Dark," "Act As If...," and "Do a 180." Please. I cannot find my book about DBing and I want to get started immediately using what I remember worked the last time. I'm not trying to cheat Michelle out of her well deserved $12, just trying to jog my memory.

I really appreciate it.

sadbuthopeful

Bumping myself because I am having a rough time...I am trying to remember what I did to save my marriage the first time.