1st post: would appreciate your advice! - 05/27/15 06:17 PM
I've been married for 10 years and have 2 kids 8 and 5. Early on in our marriage, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. Though I love her very much and always tried to show it, this was a real issue for her. A bigger issue than I realized at the time. When she confronted me about it, she'd already discussed it with one of her friends and I felt very ashamed. I didn't really want to talk about it at all. For me, I always had a healthy perspective (not religious) about masturbation and the porn was just a visual 'accelerator'... It was selfish and never a preference to being with my wife.
Long story short, this incident got swept under the rug and she felt like I was never there to care for her hurt and her pain. She is right about that and I really screwed up.
Sometimes she can have a hard time speaking up for herself and this is one of those cases - and it only made it easier for me to sweep it under the rug.
Over the next several years we had 2 kids, and plenty of ups and downs. Looking back, neither of us felt 'cherished' by the other one during that time. She stopped having sex with me after child #2 and I honestly did not realize why. Anger and frustration was building up inside me about the lack of affection... I still found her so attractive but I was so devastated about being rejected sexually over and over, so I stopped initiating. It was a stalemate and we became more like roommates... We still worked hard together on parenting, housework, etc and we were both kind - but there was nothing physical happening and no 'love'.
Then, last summer, I found out that she'd been having a long distance emotional affair with a guy from her hometown. She went back there for a visit on her own (to visit her Mom) just before i realized what was going on.
When I confronted her she just said "our marriage has no intimacy". We then started therapy together and also individually. All the while she struggled to end her affair over the next 3 months.
In couples therapy session #1 she said she didn't love me anymore and had already mourned our marriage. We are now in month 9 of couples therapy and we still have tons of anger with each other. The anger that built up over the past 6-8 years of poker-faced marriage is now coming out and we just feel stuck. I fear that our counselor is about to give up.
I'm still trying to fight for the marriage and wife really is not engaged. She does not feel remorseful about the affair... I'm trying to show her how I've changed and that I want to be much more emotionally present - my individual therapy is actually helping me quite a bit on many levels. I vascillate between pursuing and pushing because I am not sure what to do. I have no strategy really.
Our kids are amazing and they don't sense friction at all - the only time we actually take the gloves off and get mad at each other is in therapy. I'm absolutely convinced that we can get through this, but I cannot seem to get my wife to share that vision with me.
I've read a ton of books and articles including Divorce Remedy but having trouble putting one foot in front of the other confidently in the right direction to make a change.
looking for help from someone who's been in my shoes or helped someone like me.
thank you and glad to have found this resource!
tt1970
Long story short, this incident got swept under the rug and she felt like I was never there to care for her hurt and her pain. She is right about that and I really screwed up.
Sometimes she can have a hard time speaking up for herself and this is one of those cases - and it only made it easier for me to sweep it under the rug.
Over the next several years we had 2 kids, and plenty of ups and downs. Looking back, neither of us felt 'cherished' by the other one during that time. She stopped having sex with me after child #2 and I honestly did not realize why. Anger and frustration was building up inside me about the lack of affection... I still found her so attractive but I was so devastated about being rejected sexually over and over, so I stopped initiating. It was a stalemate and we became more like roommates... We still worked hard together on parenting, housework, etc and we were both kind - but there was nothing physical happening and no 'love'.
Then, last summer, I found out that she'd been having a long distance emotional affair with a guy from her hometown. She went back there for a visit on her own (to visit her Mom) just before i realized what was going on.
When I confronted her she just said "our marriage has no intimacy". We then started therapy together and also individually. All the while she struggled to end her affair over the next 3 months.
In couples therapy session #1 she said she didn't love me anymore and had already mourned our marriage. We are now in month 9 of couples therapy and we still have tons of anger with each other. The anger that built up over the past 6-8 years of poker-faced marriage is now coming out and we just feel stuck. I fear that our counselor is about to give up.
I'm still trying to fight for the marriage and wife really is not engaged. She does not feel remorseful about the affair... I'm trying to show her how I've changed and that I want to be much more emotionally present - my individual therapy is actually helping me quite a bit on many levels. I vascillate between pursuing and pushing because I am not sure what to do. I have no strategy really.
Our kids are amazing and they don't sense friction at all - the only time we actually take the gloves off and get mad at each other is in therapy. I'm absolutely convinced that we can get through this, but I cannot seem to get my wife to share that vision with me.
I've read a ton of books and articles including Divorce Remedy but having trouble putting one foot in front of the other confidently in the right direction to make a change.
looking for help from someone who's been in my shoes or helped someone like me.
thank you and glad to have found this resource!
tt1970