Trying to Play it Cool Today - DivorceBusting.com

I went dark last Sunday. The only communication between my husband and I was about arrangements for visitation this week. Found this great article about wayward spouses and it was so similar to what I was already doing. Plus I have the divorce busting book and am following the information about a walkaway spouse and I have several sessions with a coach.

Anyway, yesterday, I sent the following:
Subject: Not an April Fools
I love you, I am certain of that. I want our marriage to last and grow; I am certain of that too. But I know you are not as sure about those things. I am afraid that you will file for divorce and that our marriage will end. So afraid, in fact, that I have tried too hard to convince you to stay. I'm sorry for over-reacting at times.
Our marriage needs change. I know that. I want to be part of that change. But I can't do it alone and I can't make up your mind for you. What I CAN do is let you make up your own mind. You need to be sure what you want.
I am going to quit trying so hard to change you and change your mind and I am going to focus on getting myself to a better place. There is a lot to learn through all this. If you decide you want me... Want us, I'm ready to join you in making our marriage better. But until then, I will be more attentive to things that keep me moving in a healthy direction. Through all this, I want to be a better person, whether or not our marriage survives.
I do love you greatly but I am recognizing and accepting that begging, pleading, etc is just downright ugly and that behavior wouldn't entice me to recommit. So, I'm shifting my focus. I'm changing what I can... Being the change I wish to see in others. Losing weight, getting healthy mind, body, and spirit has been my goal since last December. I'm shifting my focus to that. I want to be the best me that I can be whether we stay together or not. And in the event that we don't, I hope that my changes and self-discovery will at least allow us to remain friends so that we can continue to help our children find their way in this world knowing that we bot love them very much separately.

THEN, this am... I get a text from husband: "We need to talk it is important. Needs to be a sit down when we have more than a few mins k".

So, I opted to work from home today so that he can come by after he gets off work. In the meantime, I am dreading that he is wanting to discuss the Big D. But secretly, I want to hope that he wants to talk about reconciliation.

I guess, I'll find out soon enough. But in the meantime, I feel like I'm on eggshells. I've worked for a few and then cleaned something in the house (and my house isn't even dirty). I just needed to get up and move. Nervous energy stinks.

Any advice on what to say, act, do in the event this conversation goes wherever it goes... Reconciliation, divorce, legal separation... Oh the possibilities and only one of them good.

Staying positive and trying to stay somewhat busy.

Hello NLS,

I have been on this forum for over 3 months. My wife walked away and filed for divorce 5 months ago. I think the message you sent your husband was very good, and I would be nervous, too! That is to be expected.

My advice, is that if your husband wants to speak about reconciliation to not get too excited and let him know you want to take things slowly. It he senses you are over-anxious, it might push him away a bit.

I hope this is not the case, but if he wants to speak about divorce, please, please try not to get too emotional, listen to what he has to say, and let him know you now understand his concerns.

Anyone else on the board have some advice for NLS? She needs our help!

Good luck to you.

Bob

The one thing I would say is to have no expectations when you talk to your H. Keep going dark�friendly and polite, like you would be to a neighbor. Whenever I've written emails like the one above, my H has always pulled back, but that's my situation. My own H is completely withdrawn, living with his mom and not even close to resembling the man I married right now, so I've FINALLY figured out there's no getting through to him at this point. Hope this helps! Keep reading DR and keep posting. There's a lot of support here!

NLS,

I think Lorelai said it best when she mentioned to have "no expectations." My wife is living with her controlling Mom and is not even close ti the woman I married. I know exactly what Lorelai means. It's taken me too long to have no expectations, but it seems to help me feel better.

Hang in there and good luck! We'll help you through this.

Bob

Unfortunately, he filed.

I'm doing okay. I'm actually staying positive and choosing to continue my forward momentum.

I'm not fighting, crying, etc. still dark and staying cool. He called me out of the blue today but all he wanted to talk about was the divorce.

So sorry, NLS. I was hoping it might be a different discussion. Please hang in there, keep posting and keep up your positive changes. It's going to be OK.

Hi NLS,

I am so very sorry. You have a good attitude! It really hurts, I know, but right now you are doing all you can.

As Lorelai mentioned, keep posting and keep with your positive changes.

If your husband notices your changes, there is certainly a chance he could reconsider.

Please don't give up!

Sorry to hear this NLS.... I too was hoping it was going to be a better discussion. Remember.... its not over until its over and you can fight until the bitter end. This is definitely a good time to try and focus on you. Exercise, if you can, sure does help quite a bit and helps get you out of your own head.

Your positivity is outstanding! Keep your head up and put one foot in front of the other.

I'm a little down today. After reviewing division of assets yesterday, picking up the service papers, and dropping off about a 4 inch stack of papers to my lawyer that is supposed to represent the culmination of our marriage. Well it just sucked.

I think I blew my cool a little yesterday afternoon. After he left I forgot about an asset that wasn't included. A laptop computer that is about a year old and cost about $3000 originally. I knew being a year old it wasn't worth that much so I offered to split $1500 for a $750 credit on both sides. He lost it a bit and started in on the name calling. I didn't respond very nicely at all. I'm sick of being belittled but I probably should have handled it better.

Anyway, this morning he called to complain because I changed the password on one of the assets we had just agreed would be mine. The stock account with TD Ameritrade. He had been doing a lot of trading lately and since this is also where he blew $16,500 last year without my knowledge I wanted to make sure it was locked tight as a drum until the fat lady sings or otherwise at the very least.

Weird he was mad about this but somehow the conversation morphed into a deeper discussion. And he promised he would stop putting me down. It wasn't getting him anywhere. All I could think is I'll believe it when I see it and if you had done that while we were still living together then maybe we wouldn't be here right now. But I just kept that to myself. I told him he signed an agreement stating he would be amicable and friendly. That we would work together because we didn't want our kids to continually see us fight even after the divorce.

And then the kicker... Somehow the conversation turned to sex. He didn't come out and say it but I'm pretty sure he implied that sex was the best part of our relationship and was hoping that maybe we could continue that part.

Should I allow this? I know sex means different things for men and women but if I shutdown sex in the midst of divorce proceedings then basically it would be counterproductive to changing his mind in this matter.

I teased and was playful. A little sexting. But I have to make a decision soon on whether this is something I should consider. I'm pretty sure if I don't though that I can flush the relationship down the toilet. He won't be able to get rid of me fast enough in order to find some satisfaction or he might find it before we are even over.

Food for thought. In the meantime, I'm working on me. More fun for me and dropping my weight. Taking care of house and home... Today though is a hard one. I just am having a hard time thinking of anything positive.

You guys do realize that this section of the forum is for the spouse who is walking away, or already left, right?

Hello Sandi,

This is Bob and I've been posting for months and never realized that!

I've been trying to offer some advice or at least support to NLS.

NLS, maybe we should both post on the newcomer board.

Is that what you suggest Sandi?

two things:

First,

Quote:

Should I allow this? I know sex means different things for men and women but if I shutdown sex in the midst of divorce proceedings then basically it would be counterproductive to changing his mind in this matter.

No, you aren't going to have sex with him, under any circumstances. That isn't going to win him back. Self respect has a far greater chance. Do you want him to stick around only because you had sex with him? NLS, time to start looking at your value in a whole different way, because if you think you are going to hold on to a guy with sex only, you are in for a lifetime of hurt.

Second thing - As Sandi said, this forum is for the spouse who has walked, not the spouse who has been left behind. If you move over to newcomers, you'll see much more traffic and help.

Quote:

Hello Sandi,

This is Bob and I've been posting for months and never realized that!

I've been trying to offer some advice or at least support to NLS.

NLS, maybe we should both post on the newcomer board.

Is that what you suggest Sandi?

You will get more responses in Newcomers. And don't feel bad, a lot of people make the same mistake.

My husband left about two months ago. I am very much aware this forum is for walk away spouses. Mine is not only a WAS but a Wayward spouse as well. I'm sorry if you do not see my situation this way, would like your input as to what gave you the impression that I was not in the right forum?

Sorry, I did not realize the intent of this forum. Thanks, I am also in the newcomers forum. I understand now this is for the leaving spouse as zew said.

Thread in Newcomers

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...877#Post2552877