Married 13 years with three kids 6,8, and 12yo girl. Wife had asked for a separation. I had to attend training and agreed to stay away to let her think about what she wanted. While gone I discovered that she was having an affair. I suspected this all long but she was masterful in lying and deception and it had been going on for months before this. Mostly they have been communicating through Viber and Skype as these can be erased and hidden more easily. After confronting her she denied but I had already complied the evidence and she eventually admitted what was going on insisting that it had not gotten to sex yet. To top it off the man she is seeing is a divorce attorney! She continues to lie, manipulate, and hide many things and I honestly don't know when she's telling the truth about anything. I have asked her to break off her relationship to see if we can salvage our marriage but she says she has stopped talking to him for the moment but still wants me to move out and leave the house. I think she has only hidden her communications deeper. I have found love words to the other man. Any advice or insight in how to stop and fix this would be appreciated. I can forgive her and want to save our marriage and will make any changes necessary and have already changed my life radically.
PLEASE HELP!
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thanks you. She is asking me to leave the house and I am not the one wanting the seperation.
I have been advised to file a complaint against the OM with the BAR association in the state he is practicing Family LAW/ Divorce services under unethical behavior.
Does anyone think this is a good idea?
Thanks you. She is asking me to leave the house and I am not the one wanting the seperation.
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE or the MBR.
Yes she should move out if she does not want to be in the marriage.
Moving out is the single biggest mistake made by LBS's
Just found out that affair has been going on for 6 months...the lies just never end...she only admits the truth when there is hard evidence.
What is MBR? I checked the abreviations...if it's Master Bed Room.....she has asked that I not stay on there anymore.
Just found out that affair has been going on for 6 months...the lies just never end...she only admits the truth when there is hard evidence.
What is MBR? I checked the abreviations...if it's Master Bed Room.....she has asked that I not stay on there anymore.
Yes
I understand that is part of the script.
I will stick with my advice that I gave you one of the biggest mistakes you can make is to move out of the house and the master bedroom once you do that you may never get back you're also enabling her affair.
don't let her control you like that
stick up for yourself
I wholly agree with Cadet. Do not leave your home, she is the one wanting out so she can leave. Stay in the MBR if needs she sleeps on the couch. In my sitch I was the one who wanted to leave so I left the MBR.
We need more details about you, can you complete your tag or outline this a little more.
And please do not report to the Bar, this will make you seem very vindictive in W eyes. Hold that card to your chest very tightly. Plus if this is an EA he may put this on your W.
DB is for you can you confirm you have DR and are reading it?
Concerned
Vanilla
Yes I have DR and applying a lot of the steps. I am trying but do slip occassioally.
Found secret love emails and pictures by accident and its very clearly a teenage type relationship....very childish sending her constant divorce referrals, love emails etc.
OM's wife is divorcing him and keeps me posted on her end. He is couching my wife to talk to attorney and file as soon as she can. She is prevented from filing for another few months due to a legal technicality so she can't and he has coached her on this. Obviously I have asked her if she is talking to an attorney and she says no but everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie anyway so I have to assume she is. He is also setting up his home and sending my wife demographics about how great is is to raise kids in his city. All very heartbreaking.
Basically The affair has been going on for more than six months and she is refusing to stop. My job requires me to be gone 3-5 nights a week so she gets free reign while I am gone with the only restriction is our three kids. The man has come to my house while the kids are in school and I'm outa town and I'm unsure how to stop this. I guess the only way it gets any worse is if she gets pregnant. I'm really at a loss about what to do and she is acting completely like a late 30's out of control teenager.
What all details do I need to lay out so that I can get some guidance?
Thanks for the help.
Me 44
Her 37
THREE KIDS one teenager, 2 small under 8
Married 13yrs
Bomb Dropped SEPT 30th wanted separation
claimed to be WAW
Affair exposed NOV 13th says she won't stop.
Counseling NOV 20th says stopping.
Affair continues and gets deeper and darker.
Deep love affair uncovered goes back minimum 6 months and continues currently.
She is stay at home mom and I feel like I am empowering her by providing all means to continue affair.
Says she has stopped but continue to find she has not even when not actively looking.
vets extra advice please. Should this be in newcomers?
It would be helpful to put some of this in your strap at the bottom of your profile in my stuff. You are probably on moderation so your posts take some time. Find a couple of like minded posts and ask a question, choose a poster who is two to three months ahead of you. Your strap lines will appear in your post.
I think that It is time to lay down some boundaries about OM coming to your home and being near to your children in your domain. You pay the bills on the home she lives in.?
In what ways do you feel you are empowering or enabling the affair. This may be the first places to look to seek action. To do a 180.
Please read Sandis 37 guidelines in newcomers and start looking at detachment.
This is a really hard time, I understand but you will resolve this and make steps forward by practicing DB.
Peace
Vanilla
Hi Hurt, sorry you're joining us here but there are a lot of great people who can help you help yourself.
Following on from Vanillas posting, if you go to the "my stuff" option and edit profile you can put your tag information in there so it gets added to each post you make.
Hang on in there..
OM is pursuing my wife hard...sending her daily love songs and referrals to Divorce Attys in our area that he is associated with...it's just completely out of control and obviously out of my control.....trying to disconnect any sanity advice?
How do I get the images out of my head?
I take 4-5 showers a day trying to get my skin to stop crawling
What's the best way to get past all this?
Time is the only way to get past it all. One thing I would warn about is don't worry so much about your wife, but worry about your kids. I got lucky and I still have my kids to this day because I saw what had happened to other men in my family, my wife chose another man over me, so I chose my kids over her. Now she is more miserable than you could ever imagine because she thought I would just let them go. I found out I could live without my wife, but I was not going to lose my kids too.
How do I get the images out of my head?
I take 4-5 showers a day trying to get my skin to stop crawling
What's the best way to get past all this?
Time. I've had the same, including nightmares. Two months after I confirmed OM, I can say that it doesn't wake me up at night anymore.
Also, if she could move out, it would help you. It seems a reasonable boundary: "If you want to have an A with OM, you can't be living here at my expenses." It stops you from thinking about it and it stops it from happening under your roof. It also confronts her to her decisions.
Time and effort if you ask me. I took time and made the effort for the boundaries. To let the anger go. To let the creepiness go.
You need to accept that what is - is. It's not what you wanted, nor necessarily expected. But now that it's what is, how you deal with it is important to your, and your kids futures.
AJ
P.S. Consider posting on newcomers - you'll get more responses and traffic there.
She can't move out because she is stay at home Mom and we cannot afford and apartment for her. We are really stuck in a rut can't move fwd. any advice?
No longer even looking to see what she does... That was killing me.
finally getting some sleep with the help of some meds through my councilor.
Meeting with our pastor and his wife to try and work on things but but only shows up and does not seem to be attempting to actually do what anyone is advising. I'm seeing a separate councilor to work on myself and having great success. Ups and downs but at least moving forward. She is not attempting to get any help and only goes to see the pastor when I ask if she wants to meet with them. Very weird.
Well, she says affair is over and I can no longer see thats its active going on. Trust but verify and seems to be over. We are seeing counselor but not getting anywhere fast.
She is completely disconnected and says she wants to save the marriage, says she is trying but I see very little effort. Maybe I am too hurt to see progress or I'm grasping at straws. She has ZERO desire to be intimate and is a struggle just to sit in the same room together.
We are sleeping in the same bed but very separated. She never snuggles up or reaches for me in anyway. I'll try and at least place a hand on her back or some part of me touching her hoping for a connection but all is cold. sometimes she even pulls away. I have tried every romantic thing I can dream up and she has no response to anything as far as romance is concerned. She will be intimate but I might as well be by myself its as if she feels like it is her duty and I just feel terrible.
In addition when I have questions she just says she can't remember, and then when confronted with facts.... gets mad.
How do we get passed this stuck area?
How do you deal with a WAW that refuses to communicate even just regarding the children? Any opportunity we have to discuss school, kids counseling, weekends, even who will pick up the kids today, she attempts to draw me into a huge argument. I explain that we need to step away from the children and have a calm conversation and she just refuses and continues to try and escalate the situation in front of the kids. I calmly say if you want to talk to me in a calm way I will be here but I will not argue with you in front of the kids and quietly walk to where the kids cannot here us. She of course never follows and nothing gets resolved. Its a daily battle.
Anyone else see this type of behavior? How can I just establish basic communication so that we can get through each day peacefully?
Look at different ways of validating what she is saying. People don't often argue with someone who agrees with them, validating her position will help. Remember for every conversation you are just as guilty of the upcoming as her. Hold yourself accountable and whenever you argue, try a different tactic. It's not about being right, it's about doing what's right to get the right result.
Most importantly try not to talk only to respond, try to communicate.
Talk to me like someone you love, is a book I read on good validation techniques.
Her Birthday is coming up. As far as DBing goes should I give her a small neutral gift and a card?
Or nothing?
Obviously taking her to a nice dinner is out of the question.
Great question, my WWs bday is also coming up and was thinking about asking the same question, if I get her something will she appreciate it ? or if I get her nothing will she think she made the right decision for leaving me? I've always gotten her shoes, expensive sunglasses, etc.
Hurt,
Sounds like you need to detach. You are going to push her away if you keep trying so hard. Let her see you are strong and confident. Stop the pressure. I know from experience, it only makes thing worse.