To All the DBers Here,
It has been just about a year since I first heard the words form my W "I LOVE YOU, BUT I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU" "IT IS NOT YOU THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE; IT IS ME THAT HAS CHANGED." " "I WANT TO BE MY OWN PERSON" "I WANT TO BE INDEPENDENT" "I WANT A DIVORCE "...ECT ...ECT. Those of you here have heard the same thing from your WAS. Needless to say, like everyone here, I was devastated. I did not know what to do or where to turn for help. Then I found this place. I read other's stories and wrote my own and corresponded with others here, from both side of the fence. There were times early on that I had given up and lost all hope. I was depressed and scared. I felt my world as I have come to know it was over. I came very close to ending my life. If it hadn't been for the encouragement and support I got from the people here, the DB counselors, a few close friends, and my family I would not be here to write this part of my story. I feel that I owe something back to those of you that gave me encouragement, advice and support over the last year. I hope the rest of this post will inspire and encourage others here that have and are going through the same pain as I did. My W and I are back together and we are happier with each other and our lives together than we have ever been before.
This did not happen over night. It took a LOT OF HARD WORK, DETERMINATION, AND LEARNING AND RE LEARNING. I read many deferent books. The first was DB and DR. I read both of these at least twice. I read and corresponded with others on the DB forum. I read other titles like Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus. I listened to CDs by Dr. Phil and others. I searched the internet for other sources to help me understand how things should work. I visited with my PC every week for 8 months. I visited with the DB couches. And finally, I followed my heart, which leads me in this direction. These things helped me chart a course that has brought me to this part of my journey. The most important thing I had to learn was PATIENCE. PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE, AND MORE PATIENCE. This was the first thing I had to learn and practice was PATIENCE. This was the hard part. The second thing I learn that I needed to take care of me first, GAL. Did I say that PATIENCE was a very important factor?
In retrospect, there was no one thing I could point to as a silver bullet. However, actions do speak louder than words. I practice this concept and the 180s as much as I could. Eventually, my WAW saw what I had done and was doing with myself and took a big chance, by opening up to me again. Now, I should say this about that. She is a big reason why we are back together again. She took the chance; she opened herself up for more potential hurt, anger and fear. By giving me an opportunity to demonstrate to her that I have change and will continue to change for the better. I will not allow myself to disappoint her. I have made some major changes, she has made changes and we both know that we will have to work on some of these changes from now on. But it is well wroth it. It does take two to Tango. It also take work on a daily bases for both partners to make and keep the positive changes going and to stop the old ways of doing thing that were negative. Did I say something about having PATIENCE?
To close, in may SITCH it turn out for the better. Regretfully, not all SITCHS will work out as well as mine has, but as long as you have a chance and you want to succeed keep working at it. I hope this post will give you the encouragement that things can get better. Knowing that your SITCH can work out for the better. The understanding that knowledge is power and you have the power to learn new things. Remember to communicate, trust and follow your heart, and be PATIENCE. A wise lady told me "Things will work out the way they are suppose too." Good Luck to you and I hope Things will work out the way they are suppose too,for you the same way they did for me.
VERY SCARED54
Congratulations VS54,
I am so pleased you have busted a divorce, it is very encouraging to hear.
Your sitch sounded so much like alot of others here including mine. It sounds like DR'ing and patience is the key here, in my case my wife does not want C, just straight to D. I do not have enough time to DR successfully as the D goes through in a matter of weeks. I will continue to DR and hope she will see that I am a better man for it and may decide to reconcile.
You will know how I and alot of other posters are feeling, but with your inspiration maybe we can salvage our marriages.
Best wishes to you.
Mark
Mark
Just because you are only weeks away from sign the D papers, dosen't mean you at the end. Your are not dead. As long as you are't dead you can still keep trying. It even be a little better. Now you are not working under such strong deadlines. Relax keep working at it. My W did not not want to go to C either. I went because I wanted to make myself better for myself. I did not want to do the same thing over again with my W or some other person in the future.
Hang in there! Keep you eye on the green and not the rough. It is easyer to find your way that way.
VS54
Hi VS!
Glad to hear your stich has gone full tilt and doing wonderfully. I had always told my W that if we tried, we'd probably be better than before, those ear arent' listening yet, and much like Mark and am only 21 days from judgement day. But, there's still 20 (and OM still
)inbetween.
Best wishes, and congrats!
Hi VS,
You gave me hope again! I'm so happy for you!! I'd like to share my story with you and can you please let me know if there is any hope at all? Here goes:
My husband that suffers from depression left on Nov. 6th and moved in with his father and step-mother. He filed for a no-fault divorce in the middle of Jan. When I got the papers I called him a mess then calmed down waited a couple of hours and called back and told him I will give him what he wants and he had NO clue to what I was talking about. I said the divorce and he said he didn't want it and then changed the subject really quick!!
He stopped taking his meds 3 weeks before he left and I had no clue! Thought he was just stressed due to work etc. He was snapping at me and the kids..little things and then all of a sudden left. Said it was the marriage creating his depression.
His parents do not believe in depression so they agreed. We have been married 13yrs. and they weren't in our lives with his last episode so they have NO clue. He started to take his meds. at the end of Jan. and by the end of Feb. was calling and joking around. That lasted for 2 to 3 weeks then all of a sudden back to the angry husband! Oh, by the way his parents are pushing for the divorce.
Here he admitted to me that he stopped taking the meds again saying he didn't need them and wasn't taking pills the rest of his life. At first I begged and pleaded for him to come home and then I stopped.
I purchased Divorce Busting and trying very hard not to call or anything! This weekend coming he is finally getting his own place, which my counselor said from the beginning if he would just get out of their house and be on his own he will realize what he has done! She counseled him before for his depression but now he refuses any help at all!
Me and my daughter go because we are a mess (she is 12yrs. old). My son from a previous marriage is also very bitter but he is 18 and I can't make him go. He claims he's ok but he's not. This is the only father he knows plus my in-laws and my husband don't bother with him at all since the separtation!
These are people that claim I was the best thing for him (my husband) and that they loved all of us soooo much and not even a phone call to see how we are doing!!!! They know how financially hard it is on me and the kids and also know that I have no other family! Dad passed years ago and mom is sick with brain tumors!! Not only did he leave us but so did they! I love him so much and now I'm in a deep depression and don't know where to turn or what to do!!
Then over his visit with our daughter on the weekend she came home very upset because he had my name (tatoo) removed. She wants him to come home so bad and I told her everything will be ok either way. I don't know why he had to do that or why he would do it! I understand that when depressed he is a very angry person and doesn't think clearly but this pushed me and her over the edge I think.
Then we have a hearing on May 15th because he is in contempt of court for not going to our daughter's counseling appointments and he just drops it!! Well is lawyer does!!! He didn't even go in the room!!! His step-mother did!!! He does not want to even see our daughter now!! This was his baby girl!!! How do we go on from here??? Has anyone out there had their in-laws involved in making the decisions?? I'm so scared right now!! Our family is and has fallen apart!!!
Lost41
I had read your stich earlier. I am sorry that you and yours are going through all of this. I understand that you do not want to be here, pouring your soul out to strangers. But believe me when I say that this is the place to tell it all. You sent certainly can not say some of these things to your H, in-law or kids. There is a lot of other here that may be able to help you more than I can. I am by no stretch of the imagination an expert on depression or a MC. However, I am a man that has found that my depression had a major impact on my M. So let me tell you what I have learned about my bout with depression. May be you can extrapolate my personal experience into to what you are dealing with and maybe in some small way help.
First of all, I have been a male for over 55 years. With my limited experience as a male I have found through some reading and research that I am not an uncommon as males goes. I am a cave dwelling, signal task, macho male that will not ask direction, are admit when I am wrong ... even if I know I am wrong. It is every other persons fault and I do not think I need to change. I do not want advice from my W unless I ask her for it. But, on the other hand I freely dispense my advice to her, even when she doe not ask for it. I do not show love or my emotions readily, but expect to be and get love when I need it. However, I now know all of these things about me (men) and how they made a major negative impact on my R and M. It took a lot of hard work and practice on my part to changes, adapts, and correct my ways of doing things. This maybe why your H is acting the way he is about his medical needs and is what is wrong with your relationship. He is a normal male. Like me once he understands these attributes of a male and is willing to make the require corrections and works at it he can improve. If he wants too.
I accidentally found out I was and had been clinically depressed for some time. I am do one that likes to take pills (that the male it me). But when my C and MD suggest I start taking anti-depressants, because of my emotional rollercoaster ride I was taken after the W drop the BOMB. I agreed to take the pills for depression. After things started moving in a positive direction in our R/M and my emotional state of mind was much better, I started looking to get off the anti-depressants. My MD suggested that I stay on them, because he thinks that I am clinical depressed and should continue taking them.
As I reflected back in my past with my C, I realized that I had been depress for years and did not know it. I came from a family that did not believe in taken pills for depression. The general rule then was to QUIT FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF, GET BACK TO WORK AND THINK POSITIVE. Not that I was not allowed to go to the doctor as a kid, my Mom used and believed in home remedies in place of paying a Doctor for stuff she could fix with a home remedies. After taking the pills for about 6 weeks, I found myself, less angry, less scared, and I did not have that awful anxiety feeling. I was pleased with my emotional rebalance. I have not lost my cool with any one in the last 8 months. I have not had any anxiety attacks and I have not been scared to stand up for myself at the job. This medication has allowed me apply the things I have learned about men vs. women and become a better Husband, father, friend, and lover. As I said in my post titled My Final Post, I was determined to succeed in improving myself either for my W or someone else. It seems to have worked for me.
There is one important thing that needs to be said here. There are no innocent parties here. Everyone in every stich has a role to play. Everyone has to take responsibility for their respective actions. For a relationship to get better, stay better and improve with time, both parties have to share in both the good and bad things that we did to make our relationship move to the point that we are here on the forum asking for help. All parties involved have the responsibility to make change as needed and accept those changes that have been made. To recognize what the other has done to improve the relationship. Unfortunately, not every stich will work out the way we would like. There as many reason for failure as there are for success. There is NO SILVER BULLET, NO MAGIC SPILL, A FROG TO KISS OR A LOVE POTION NO. 9. Just hard work, dedication, communication, and patience, patience, patience.
I am sorry I got so wordy. I know I did not give you answers you were looking for. But I told you what I have found to be true for me and my stich.
Good Luck!!!! Keep your Eye on the Green and not the rough.
VS54
VS54,
Have you ever heard from Christa about how her sitch is coming along?
Stuck 808
No .... I have not heard anything from her since February. The last thing she said that H was not doing the things he said would do and that the D was moving forward. She was going out and meeting other people and having fun.
I wish she would read my last post and see how things are for me. She was my biggest supporter and gave me the courage to go forward.
VS54
Stuck 808
No .... I have not heard anything from her since February. The last thing she said that H was not doing the things he said would do and that the D was moving forward. She was going out and meeting other people and having fun.
I wish she would read my last post and see how things are for me. She was my biggest supporter and gave me the courage to go forward.
VS54
I know, she was great. I remember when you first posted and she and I talked you through that.
Don't forget to post your story in the Divorce Busted Posting so that the Newbies all have hope.
Congratulations.
Stuck808
Yes, it was a very long year at the time, but looking back it went by quickly. Thanks for your help. I will post there as well.
Take Care! Keep your Eye on the Green
Stuck808
I went to another D Busted to postand tried to post my story, but it will not allow me to post. How do I post to that area?
VS54
I think you go up to the Forum List and select from the general subject list on the left. If that doesn't work, I guess you can ask a moderator.
VS54,
Thank you for trying to help me understand. I know believe me that I have made mistakes in our marriage and it is not all of his fault but I begged and pleaded for him to please work on our marriage and he wanted nothing to do with it.
I'm just hoping that it's not too late for him to see that he is sick and will get help and want our family back together!!!
I know this is not the man I married!! He would never ever give up his daughter!!! So I'm doing the no contact thing for around 3 weeks now but I don't know how long I should keep it up.
He has not tried to contact me or our daughter since the hearing on the 15th! Your story has inspired me soooo much!!! I hope as I'm sure all that are here get the success that you have received!!
Thanks for posting your story! I'm happy you survived the ride, and came out good in the end. I've been learning that DB'ing never ends, does it...?!
I'm still working on my sitch, and have been treading water in Limboland for several months (she filed last Nov - been separated for 7+ months).... We are getting along mostly well, and she has taken no further action towards the D, but she still mentions things on occasion that sound like she's still going down that road. My DB counselor says that her inaction (and other things) are signs of ambivalence.
I'm being as patient as I can...I'm GAL and trying to worry more about me than about her. It's not great, but it seems to work for me.
Again, congrats on busting your divorce!
Hi all,
I'm a newbie here and like so many, in deep pain. My WAW dropped the bomb 6/4/09. She had papers and her lawyer was trying to strongarm me to sign and be out of the house in 7 days. We have two boys, 10 and 7. I am a pastor by trade and we have been married 12 years. The past three years have been especially difficult after we left a church I led for 6 years. Before that I was a youth pastor for 20+ years. We were married when I was a youth pastor, and I didn't listen close neough when she said she didn't want to be a senior pastor's wife. I had always told her I didn't have a desire to be a senior, but when we had a church split, I really felt God wanted me to lead the new group. She reminded me she didn't think this was a good idea, but I didn't listen enough, she didn't speak up enough and off we went on a 6 year roller coaster on unstable financial ground. She said at the time faith was her stongest gift, and "got on board" doing lots to lead the children, etc. Leading the church turned out to be hard on me, and I forgot how much harder it had to be for her as a stay at home mom (elementary school teacher by trade) at the time. Our plan was to have both of us earning when the youngest went to school, and unfortunately, that was about the time I wss leaving the church position due to constant conflict. So, our "plans" for better finances were knocked off track as I did oourier work for six months and made hardly anything. I did get a gig with a super fundraising firm and made great $ for 10 months on a contract, and then the economy went south last fall, so no new work to move to. In an overlap with the fundraising work, I had tried planting a new church with a group that did some funding, training and screening. My W was initially ok with that, because she had helped us make the decision to stay in the same area instead of moving for me to take another church job. This was the one thing in the area that was available to me at the time. She ended up scoring a 4 out of 5 on the "spouse support" portion of our church planting assessment interview, so I figured we could proceed. She seemed ok with it, but as our plans to start a new church were unsuccessful (last summer), she began (me too) to stress, and I began to think I should find a way to make money and volunteer at the church thing. You know the economy story, so when the funding went away in Dec, I found myself in a tough spot- no job in the worst economy since the 30's. I got depressed, she stressed, and 7 months later, I've still got no work, and out on my own to boot. Some of not getting work was due to my pride and holding out for a "better" job. Naturally, that made the W upset, and she had a right to be. I am 51 with a Master's degree, so I couldn't land the job at Wal-Mart or Target when I did apply. I got depressed and even more scared while I tried to get the stable job to help pay the bills along with her pay. She had not been sleeping well through the spring, and I was always expressing concern for her, and trying to do what I could to care for her. I'm a very affectionate and complimentary person and love to shower W that way- always have. When she got out of school, she dropped the bomb, and was unwilling to discuss it. She really did think she was going to get the D all done this summer, and go back to school with the D final, the boys and her in a new place, and she'd be off to greener pastures. I have agreed to an uncontested D, because of the $ involved and more so due to the character defamation process of a trial, with the end result still being a D. She has been rushing me for the past five weeks to reach an "agreement" so she can file. I naturally am resisting, and am scared and confused on top of all this pressure to "get it done quick." I ran across DB in late June thanks to a new good friend I found in my job searching. I got DR on July 4 and have read it twice and read portions of it every day.
In GA where we live, the very sad news is an uncontested D can be scheduled and done in 31 days. It sucks. The papers haven't been filed, but this week, I think I have run out of stalling tactics. There are still some retirement figures to gather, child support info, etc. but I can bet she's working to get it all done asap.
Sharing the boys is ripping my heart out (hers, too as she addmitted last week during the 40 min phone call. I get the Wed and every other weekend thing right now. I'm living in a basement apt of a friend's home, and have little money and facing a determined WAW. I have done pretty well with the DR coaching, and blew it last night by asking for her to consider options for the sake of the boys. Other than that I've done pretty well, but the D day is coming. I have been praying and praiyng and asking friends to pray, that her heart would soften and she would at least slow down. She did soften a bit after I did a 180 last week and told her I wasn't going to sign the papers, and she got livid before I could explain other ways of going about reaching a decision. I left the arguement and got in my card and drove away, which is totally unlike me. The next day she called and was cslm, and we talked for 40 minutes and she let down her wall for the first time. (180's really do work!)
I am very sad and scared about the speed of divorce court in GA. I was talking to a lawyer with Cobb Legal Aid (there's another humbling thing, when you have zero money, you're on your own and you have to go to Legal Aid), and the lawyer told me that Mon-Fri the courts do uncontested D's at 9:30 am, so whenever my princess files, she'll have a date 31 days later.
I got a great help from a friend via e mail tonight I thought I'd share if it helps anyone. "When I have trouble forgiving ALL THE WAY (as in, I love the other person without thought for myself or my own needs - only a few people have really qualified for that level with me, mind you:), I will ask God to show me ALL the sin I've put on Jesus, all the yucky, evil, selfishness, etc. from my whole life (He shows me specifics & the WORST stuff) & while I'm thinking how MUCH He's forgiven me for & how much He took on Himself, His perfect self, I ask Him to also show me the person I'm trying to forgive, but to show me the person at their most hurt, most fragile, in the middle of every woundedness they ever experienced (usually as a child). If I see BOTH of those at the same time, it makes me feel incredibly humbled & soft towards the person. At that point, my HEART is ready to forgive that hurt person without judgment and without self-righteousness."
ALL of us are going to need to do that for our WASs if we are going to be successful. Sorry for the long post, I am just lonely and am glad for this outlet.
lovingmyprincess,
Sorry that you find yourself here. The best thing to do is to copy the post above and start your own. That way everyone can follow you.
We're all here to help.