No matter what stage of DB'ing you're in, setting your small, doable, positive, action-oriented goals is a must! This valuable tool is far too often overlooked, and/or neglected.
Setting your goals isn't always as hard as it may seem, it just takes some practice, and usually a lot of fine-tuning.
Feel free to use this thread to get some help with setting your goals, and to look for assistance in making sure they fit within the guidelines!
Take a look at the links that are posted on the following linked thread, to get an idea of what to do, and what others have done, and let's get started!!
Links to goal-setting threads! If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it everytime!! 
Hi all,
I've decide to post on this thread, because this is an area i'm having trouble with. While my H and i where seperated i had no problem setting action oriented goals and i found them to be an excelent tool. Now that he's back at home (2 weeks and not to many bumps yet!) I'm finding it difficult to set goals that are action oriented and with in my control. I'm going away with work for the next five weeks and here are some of the goals i've come up with during that time, which i think will keep things going while i'm away.
1. Give up smoking:
New place, good chance to break a bad habit.This would be a 180!
2. Continue with fitness training:
Go for a run/walk each morning.
Go to gym 3 nights a week
This will also help with goal 1.
I will drink more water and less coffee!
3.H and i will continue to grow close:
I will ring him every other day and ask questions.
I will limit work talk (H complains that i talk about work alot)
I will take notice of articles etc that H might be interested in as a conversation piece.
H will call me just to chat and see how i am.
H will txt/phone to say goodnight.
I will not hound H about 'doing' things at home, i will trust that he will do them.
This is what i have so far. Any suggestions for other things i could be doing while away?
I would also appreciate any input on above goals.
Thanks
Lee
Hey Korms!
I think that these are some GREAT goals while you're away! Especially the first 2. I should be doing these myself!!
I will ring him every other day and ask questions.So, what KIND of questions? Not drilling him with R type stuff, right?!
I will limit work talk (H complains that i talk about work alot)Yup! Talk about any "fun" stuff you're doing. Any new sights or experiences, etc. Let him ask you about the work stuff, and then keep it brief.
I will not hound H about 'doing' things at home, i will trust that he will do them.Maybe you could take it a step farther, and tell him how nice it is to be able to leave, and to know that things will be taken care of while you're gone? Doing something along these lines just might be an invitation for him to tell you some of the things he's doing to actually lay your mind at rest?
Any suggestions for other things i could be doing while away?Postcards! They are a great "thinking of you" thing that are inexpensive and thoughtful. You are also limited to how much you can write, so you don't have to get too deep into any kind of "stuff"!
Have a great time (as much as you can on a business trip!), and keep checking in whenever possible!
Hi jj,
Thanks for your input!
When i say ask him questions, this most definatly not R stuff, more just engaging and open ended q's as a way to keep conversations going and for me to do more lsitening and less talking!
I told him about how nice it is to be able to go away and not having to worry and he seemed pleased that i mentioned it to him. Thanks for that one!
I also think that post cards are a GREAT idea, and so i think i'll be giving that a whirl!
When i get back, i'll let you know how it all went and see how i went on my goals! I think the smoking one will be a challenge, but i love a challenge!
Take care
Lee
Hi all,
Well i'm back from my trip and things have never been better at home!
I really worked towards my goals, and i think they have paid off, on the second weekend during a phone convo he told me 'I Love You'! and i was totally blown away, it was the last thing i expected, he then came and visited me the next week, for valentines day and we had a lovely time.
I took JJ's suggestion and sent him post cards, which he really liked and as i travel alot for work, i think i'll continue to do this, H said it made him feel that i was thinking of him and including him in my time away, so big plus there!
I tell ya, goals work!!! I have spent the last week of my trip rereading DR and i have come up with some new goals, in order to keep things moving forward, I'll post them later to see what you all think. This time i think I'll apply "Ask for what you want". H is really keen on us having a future (often talking about it!) and now wants to help!!
So hears my current goals:
1. We will start dating again. H will romance me and not be so 'crude' with every affectionate touch being a prelude to sex.
2. We will develop a new or old common interest and spend time together doing it.
3. We will give each other a minimum of 20 min. undivided attention at least 4 times per week.
4. I will continue on my fitness routine, as this is time for me.
All of the above goals are basically to enable H and i to have better conversation and for me to begin to trust H again.
What do you think??
Thanks
Lee
hi - this is terrific input for me right now, am in the midst of v2 goals definition
slowly
1.) STOP chasing him, give him some room!
a.) at least 2 nights "off" a week (let him have some guy time . . . go out whatever! (Suggest this to him!)
b.) GET A LIFE for myself (maybe start looking into easy part-time jobs for after the baby is born!)
c.) STOP nagging him (he knows what needs to be done!)
C1.) If anything does need talked over give him TIME to relax after work before bringing it up!
d.) LET HIM RUN "The show" (he's the man let him do his job!)
2.) Start REALLY hearing what he has to say! Make him feel special and important!
a.) STOP bringing up OW, D, and unhappiness
3.) Get some books to help (READ AT LEAST ONE CHAPTER a day, take notes and UNDERSTAND what to do)
a.) Get a bible find some faith ( Write down at least 1 helpful scripture a day!)
4.)Tell him I want him to do what's best for HIM ( AND MEAN IT!!!!!!!!!!)
a.) Start planning for baby and I ( just incase!)
5.) Try to 180 myself back to who I was!
a.) BE HAPPY/SMILE
b.) Flirt with him a little (tease don't smother!)
c.) Find my own hobby (drawing, writing, animals)
C1.) Start walking as soon as the babies born to release
negativity and promote health!
d.) Find sexuality again ( he does still want you, WORK WITH THAT before it's too late!)
e.) Have faith, YOU'LL MAKE IT (reminder to self!! )
f.) DON'T CRY ( at least infront of him! BE STRONG GIRL!)
g.) Remember the good times . . .NOT the bad!
h.) STOP arguing . . . START validating! (Try to understand him!)
i.) SUPPORT HIM NO MATTER WHAT! Love him and he'll love you back
j.) Be more submissive . . let the man BE the man!
k.) Do one thing for MYSELF each day
***Ideas***
1.) paint toenails
2.) eat a treat (bowl of ice cream with EXTRA topping)
3.) Put on some make-up (FOR YOU)
4.) Dress UP!
5.) Soak in the tub!
6.) Take a cat-nap
7.) pay myself a compliment!!
8.) buy myself an inexpensive present
***
6.) Develope a "ritual"
***Ideas***
1. Movie night once a month ( at 2.00 movies)
2. Tea/ coffee . . drink together! (light convo include of course!)
3. Date once a week (walk around the mall, go out to McD's or TB)
4. Go for a walk together and talk (light convo ONLY)
***
7.)FORGET about OW NO MATTER how hard it seems! Trust his judgement . . he'll deal with it accordingly
a.)Snap rubberband HARD everytime you start thinking about it or want to start into it!
8.) STOP blaming him for EVERYTHING . . . it's "OUR" fault! Share in what you've "created"!!! REGUARDLESS of how you feel about it!
9.) Don't start a fight but try to end it if it does start!!
a.) call a time out
b.) validate what he's saying (don't blow it off, it's important)
c.) UNDERSTAND he doesn't mean the mean things he says!
C1.) Don't let him make you cry! Be STRONG!!
d.) DO NOT under ANY curcumstance come back at him!
This is the post I have been looking for!
Success is being happy first with yourself, and secondly with your life.
In light of the above, my goals are:
1) To forgive myself for things that happened in the past (more than a year ago, more than ten years ago).
I do not have any specific steps to reach this goal, but I do know that I am working on it.
2) To continue my attempts to lose wight and improve my bosy image.
Continue body wraps once or twice a month.
Continue supplements, and possibly find others that are more helpful.
Get a massage once a month.
Continue to use my exercise bike regularly (3 days and counting).
Continue portion control when eating.
Decrease snacking (not have as much available at work).
3) Instead of being angry about a situation, I will pray that the person(s) I am angry with will open their eyes, ears and hearts and that hteir minds will clear so that they will be better able to understand.
4) To delve into planning a vacation to Mexico to visit a friend from my youth.
5) Journal (also 3 days and counting).
I need to set some goals right now, I had a breakdown and today I wanted to give up. I need to start now!
1. quit letting my emotions control my actions
a. stay positive, not matter what
b. quit looking for positives in my W, it sets me up to be disappointed
c. don't let her negative actions pursued me into thinking I am unhappy.
d. quit trying to contol the A, let it run it's course.
2. keep on track with my daily routine
a. keep cleanig up the house
b. keep working out three days a week
c. play with my S
d. get a good nights rest
3. Be my W's friend and detach
a. stop asking her questions about A, and M
b. let her go and do her own things
c. don't let her trap you into an emotional argument
I have done these things in the past. I just need to focus on making them stick.
It's ok...we all get there. I love how you're starting again. That's the key to success!
"..don't let her negative actions pursued me into thinking I am unhappy..."
I love this!!!
and this:
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." Groucho Marx.
What makes you happy?
What makes me happy is number 1 my Son. I love him soo much, he is giving me the strength to fight for this M.
She started in on me this morning, after the weekend with the OM. I had to rush off to work, she timed it so I had to leave right away, and she made the comment you are mad. I said no, I'm late. Bye.
She called half hour later and said, I don't know why your doing this, It's not fair to you. I didn't respond, and then she said your mad. I said No, I was late, I had a great night with our S, and slept very well. I am in a great mood.
So, the detaching worked, and I followed a couple of my goals.
My Goals:
1) Work on my demons, issues, baggage that cause me to be emotional and shut myself down and off.
- explore guided imagery and hypnotherapy
- read books
- pray
- meditate
- develop and redevelop close friendships
2) Work on building myself back up to a confident person by reclaiming the things I like/love to do.
- rebuild my recording studio
- re-explore podcasting, syndicating, article writing, etc.
- Make time for gardening
- Work on projects that I've started and put aside because of time/money
- Make a date each month with each of my daughters to do something fun
- Keep myself looking good through make up, hair, clothes, etc.
- Pay as much attention to my fitness as I do to my clients
3) Work on building my marriage up
- Love my husband even though I feel sick inside by what has happened
- Make a date each month with my husband
- Continue counseling
- Affirm husband
- Begin a new hobby with enthusiasm
- Explore ways to begin to trust him again
my H and i are working on our own goals together but we are having some trouble understanding how to set action oriented goals, heres what ive picked up:
not negative changes
make it action oriented (this is where i have trouble)
when i start what will i physically be doing differently
what will i be doing that im not doing now (how will people around me know)
what will be the first sign that i know my actions are in the right direction
here is my first attemp at creating a goal:
i want to desire h like i used to when we met
we will laugh touch and be closer
make love 1 a week
please please correct me if im wrong give me examples if you can
Hi: If this thread is still open, I'd like to add some goals...
After almost one year since my husband dropped "the bomb-ILYBNILWUA," I've done nothing but push him further from me, act like a rejected puppy, and make my family unhappy. I'm so happy I found "The Divorce Remedy." I've been applying the DR techniques for a few weeks, with some really good success.
I'd really like to show off what I've been journaling on my own.
Me-42 H-44
Married 12-years, together 13
D-17, S-11, S-9
First Bomb-12/22/2007 ILYBNILWYA (Moving out after holidays)
Early 1/2008 Staying Home (physically, but not emotionally)
Second Bomb-11/15/2008 I had an emotional breakdown, and he considered us "done."
11/18/2008 Started reading DR, and implementing
11/18/2008 RELATIONSHIP GOAL 1st 180 Stop pushing/calling/txting/emailing
11/18/2008 RELATIONSHIP GOAL Get him home again
11/21/2008 1st success returned home, slept in another room
11/22/2008 2nd success blew up, was horrible, (I LEFT HIM ALONE INSTEAD OF BEGGING, ETC...) He overcame it in minutes, was pleasant the rest of weekend
11/22/2008 RELATIONSHIP GOAL Sleep in our bed again
11/24-11/26 3rd success(s) - only called 1x/day, short pleasant conversation each time
11/26/2008 4th success returned home, slept in our bed
11/28/2008 1st minor set-back he saw me crying when I thought I was alone
11/28/2008 PERSONAL GOAL Read and commit to memory 1 Corinthians 13.
11/28/2008 5th success really fun night husband and sons
11/29/2009 PERSONAL GOAL Succeed @ work! Get appts @ PE, Madison cos.
11/29/08 RELATIONSHIP GOAL Really fun day w/sons. He came to bed early. I fell asleep.
But, OK.....
11/30/2008 RELATIONSHIP GOAL Kiss me hello and goodbye again.
11/30/2008 PERSONAL GOAL Lose 5 lbs this by 12/5/2008
11/30/2008 6th Success He hugged and kissed me goodbye!!
12/1/2008 RELATIONSHIP GOAL Another pleasant, peaceful weekend, filling his cup full of joy when hes home.
12/2/2008 2nd minor set-back too much of my initiated communication today
However, he DID call me, too.
12/3/2008 7th Success Came home mid-week!
12/4/2008 RELATIONSHIP GOAL IF we sell the house, he looks for one for all us, not just the kids and me.
12/4/2008 - 8th Success - Got the appt w/PE!
IF we are able to have another pleasant, peaceful weekend, I would like ideas on how to spark his interest in me a little more... Not just as "Mom" (He works out of town during the week, only home on weekends usually.)
Past & Current Goals:
1.) contact with A (H)
a.) phone contact
b.) email & txt contact
2.) A initiate connection
a.) keeping things fun & light
3.) connection in comfortable territory for A
a.) work
b.) coffee
c.) casual lunch/dinner
4.) socialize with A apart from friends (light-hearted)
a.) movies
b.) dvd
c.) dinner
5.) establish connection through mirroring
6.) when together be positive, affirmative, and supportive
7.) act in love
Goals Attained:
1.) A introduced connection by telephone call re: tax questions
2.) He responded to emails & texts
a.) quick response
b.) both keeping a light-hearted mood
3.) After going dark, A would call once every 2-3 weeks
a.) some internal bumps in the road sometimes (difficult process for me)
4.) I'm beginning to have a sense that he is becoming more comfortable with me, but he's confused about his feelings. His open behavior has shown me that his guard has come down. Yet, he is still protective. That's ok.
5.) We have talked on the phone, he invited me to his condo, we have had dinner a couple of times.
a.) we laugh, we talk, we encourage
6.) He is finding ways to initiate re-connection, even in small ways.
Today's Goal:1.) (A to meet me at my work) remember boundaries, remember being professional (at work), remember not to have to react negatively or show disappointment on my face if he disappoints me...to state disappointment and then be quiet is fine (if disappointed), remember light and happy.Goal Attained:1.) A came by work when he said he would.
a.) He handed me my insurance card and wanted my full attention, but it was very busy.
b.) He hung around for a little while, but I had to be with customers.
c.) After work, I called him...he answered...I joked, 'hi...bye!' he laughed. I told him that I was sorry that it was busy and I couldn't talk to him.
d.) We talked briefly...I ended it first 
e.) In mirroring fashion, I told him that I could bring him his tax papers to his work...He told me that since we both had the day off on Sunday that he would call me and find me on Sunday.Funny how things work out! God is good.
Something is happening for the good. I feel movement. I like it.
Goal:
1.) risk taking re: A
2.) stating my desires with more definitive guidelines
a.) I used to say: Let me know when you would like to get together.
b.) Now I say: Hey, when would be a good time to get together?
Current Progress:
1.) A has responded positively.
a.) I'm not thoroughly good at giving myself more control, but I feel better about myself when I don't give it all to him. I feel better that I let him know that I have some boundaries.
b.) I'd like to get better at it.
2.) Some of A's responses have been neutral with a slant toward avoidance. For instance: I won't be able to get together this weekend because I have a party to go to. 'Maybe' Monday will work out. So, he takes back the control by saying 'maybe' or 'if' I come by it will be around 4pm.
3.) I try to keep things light with a joke...'Maybe Monday after 6:00 pm will maybe best for me' 'My goal is to mayyyybee have some fun'...'could...be'? 'may...be'?
Ultimate Goal:
1.) A wants to remarry me
Sub-Goals:
1.) A initiate call more often for connection
a.) He has initiated, but the momentum wore off
b.) He comes by my work to see me or give me my insurance card
2.) A wants to see me socially (dating basis)
a.) we have a light-hearted dinner every six months
3.) A would agree to or ask me out to:
a.) movies
b.) go to theatre
c.) watch dvd's like we used to
d.) go to dinner, cocktail parties
e.) take me to a party
End of Summer Goal:
1.) Doing fun stuff alone with A
a.) laugh, talk
2.) Go to movies, dinner, lunch
3.) Go to gym
I'm not sure how to get there right now. I feel that something got out of balance. I'm not sure what happened. I sensed he was getting closer. Now I feel he is there, but he is very neutral (not here, not there, not moving, just still). I'm not sure how to get it back on track and moving forward again.
Current Status:
1.) Not sure how to attain these goals.
2.) Having doubts that I'll be reaching my goals by target date of the summer.
3.) Re-reading Divorce Busting.
4.) Reading other books, they confuse me and make me feel apprehensive.
5.) Thoughts about how to connect with A again.
a.) why is he doing thing and going places just as he was before we were married?
b.) why couldn't he share what he enjoyed with me?
Current Status:
1.) Mirroring is an interesting guide.
a.) it helps me make decisions on how to relate to A.
2.) After A & I met, I retreat back into 'darkness'
a.) it helps me get back to focusing on myself
b.) it helps me take a breath
c.) it helps keep me balanced. (my tendency is to advance again or have anxious thoughts)
So, L:
I guess we (A & I) have reached a goal. I want to force more onto him, but I hold myself back. I txt A letting him know that I 'might' (good mirroring word) stop by while I was out to drop off his papers. I dropped off his papers and I bought him some bakery choc. chip cookies. (I had to...it's a gift without being overwhelming). He accepted it graciously. We sat in his office. We talked, laughed, shared ... light-hearted, happy, joke ... laugh. I was my light-hearted, fun-loving, cute-self. Saying good-bye was kinda' awkward, but our kisses were better this time. He even walked a bit with our arms around each other.
I didn't give him the letter. I felt it would have been forced. I would like to rest or go dark a bit then ask him out for a drink. I did get anxious a bit after I left him. I get a strange happy/sad feeling. I get a little teary, but heppy. I then was making a mental list of all the things I should have said and shouldn't have said. That is why retreating afterward is good.
I am proud of myself, and I felt that A enjoyed my company, too. I want to stick to this game plan. I was feeling that all was lost a few days ago, but now I feel encouraged.
I AM GOING TO HAVE A GOOD SUMMER!!!
Big Hug,
Wow JJ,
Great, wonderful, amazing, awesome mirroring!!!!!! It was inspiring to hear about your chocolate chip cookie trip. :o) You took a deep breath and found your way again, didn't you??? :o)
Current Status:
1.) It didn't occur to me at the time that I was doing it but: achieved goal of bringing food to A.
a.) about 2 years ago, I wanted to make cookies and bring them to him. Instead of making them, I bought them - less threatening. I'll work up to the larger, more heart-felt gifts.
2.) with encouragement from my friend, E, I invited A (txt) to a party at my house that my roommate was having for his brother.
a.) it was light, friendly, open 'if you don't have any plans...'
b.) he responded...thanks, but I have plans
c.) I responded...light...'that's ok, next time. have a good weekend'
d.) He responded...'me, too. thank you for the cookies'.
3.) I was encouraged with his response. I didn't expect one. Funny how that happens sometimes.
4.) I let him know that I will invite again or that there will be a next time. I will ask again. I think that the right time will happen. I feel a little bit more encouraged.
Goals:
1.) want to do something or go somewhere that would be interesting to talk about
a.) I have done this... or I went there... or I saw that show
2.) I am still wanting to take better care of myself
a.) I want to join the gym, but I have to check my $$$
3.) Going for a promotion for Sales Specialist
a.) $$$ (need it!)
4.) Want to go to the beach and to drive-in movie theatre
Current Status:
1.) Talked to my friend, E, yesterday to calm the ferret inside of me head. I was thinking about A's friend, D. I was thinking about all the places and things A sees and does. The ferret was hunting for answers about why does he go to see so many shows now and wants to take some many trips and he goes with his friend, D. He goes to parties and has plans on plans on plans...fancy restaurants, etc. She helped me to not let the wheel keep spinning.
Goal:
1.) Wondering how I should approach the next month.
a.) One book said I should call every couple of weeks.
b.) I thought about waiting the 3 week period again.
c.) he really hasn't initiated any calling since January
d.) thinking about calling him in a week to make plans...not sure.
L...do you think that this is as far as it will ever get with A? You told me that his responses were just out of kindness. Since you see things more clearly than I do, do you think that I am chasing a dream? He doesn't seem to make any kind of social advances. I really don't want to quit trying or hoping. I'd hate to think that this will never ever come to any fruition. I kinda got the feeling the last time we spoke that you suspect that A & I won't reach my end of summer goals. I got that impression because you have documentation of A's behavior these past 3 years. I guess I am feeling out of sorts and need encouragement. Thinking about how he went 1-1/2 years w/o talking to me still makes me cry. PMSing.
Goal:
1.) I'd still need to lose weight.
2.) I still need to get $$$ in order.
a.) still working on it.
3.) Not sure how to approach the note.
4.) want to tell him that I want to do his taxes
5.) want to make copies of pictures that he has
6.) want to ask him to go to a show
7.) wondering how & when I should pick up on his ques
Goal:
1.) Would like to see Blue Man Group with A for his birthday in June
2.) Have to ask him
3.) Trying to stay positive with Gratitude and Positive Visualization of past and future events
-&-@
Goal:
PMSing so things seem scattered in my head. My goals are certain, but achieving them floats right over my head.
1.) I'd like A to be agreeable when I offer to meet him for a drink. ???
2.) I'd like him to be open and accepting to a social summer with him. ???
3.) Still thinking of giving him my card ... not sure of timing. ???
4.) Cocktail party
5.) Drive In Movie
6.) Blue Man Group
7.) Breakfast for E's birthday
I just don't want to miss the bus when everyone else seems to be able to grab it on time. It seems like I've been waiting for it a long time, but one minute I hesitate, I'll miss it. Don't want to do that, buuuuuut I don't want to rush on before the doors open either!!!
Wondering how to continue.
What should I expect at this time?
What steps should I take?
Should I do the three week cycle again?
This is definitely still tough.
L, if you were me and I were A what would you say to A?
My Personal toward my R w/A:
1.) Practice courage, strength, and more aggressive attitude.
2.) Force things a little bit; start bending things. Effort and focus are vital. Narrow my vision. Then go. And don't look back. Don't even look sideways. Be determined and definite.
Current Status:
1.) Happy today.
a.) Not sure why, but I'll take it.
2.) Had hair foiled, went clothes shopping.
a.) always makes me feel good
3.) work was fun, started awful, ended great.
a.) my manager bought us dinner...was fun.
b.) met lots of very nice people tonight.
c.) felt like I did well and was able to give kindness.
4.) got tickets to pro-baseball game for Friday night.
a.) I invited my Dad. We're taking the train in.
Personal Goals for Summer:
1.) Go to Pro-baseball game (*)
2.) Go to the beach
3.) Go to the Drive-in
4.) take more pictures
5.) have cocktail party and movie night at house
6.) have party at house for work friends
7.) have brunch for girlfriends
8.) go to Cape for the weekend
9.) see my old friends that I haven't seen in awhile
10.) go to the theatre
11.) go to NYC for weekend
12.) go to Boston for the weekend
13.) have fun and never give up hope!!!
Near Future Goals:
1.) Socialize with A 2 times per month.
2.) Have personal time together.
3.) Invite him to E's birthday party.
4.) Invite him to cocktail party.
5.) Go to dinner/lunch.
6.) Go to movies.
Want to give him the card I gave him.
I am very confused because I bought more books. One book says that I shouldn't go more than two weeks without initiating contacting in someway. Another books said to never initiate contact and to always wait until he calls (play the game).
L, I need to have concrete plans. I have goals, but I need to know how to get there. I don't feel good about calling him or initiating all the time, but I just want to do the right thing. I want to show him that I can take some control and be assertive in the way that A can handle.
I felt good when A started calling me after the three week going dark plan, but now what do I do? Do I do the same thing? What steps do I take now. I feel that I don't have any boundaries to help support me. I feel very lost.
If I stop trying or hoping or praying for this, if I take a break from this, I might as well stop breathing!
I know that I made mistakes, but I didn't do anything to deserve having A divorce me. The kind of mistakes I made were resolvable. They were something I could have changed by having a simple conversation to make me aware. I am not very good at mind reading.
Very confused and feeling lost.
Goals help, but I feel that I have nothing to ground me. I almost feel as lost as I did when he first left. It's almost like I live in a surreal world. Am I in a dream? I just want to get into my car and drive home to my H. Some other couple lives in our house, my H is not with me, our friends abandoned me, my job is finally feeling comfortable. M was all that I had, but she turned out to be poison.
I keep waiting for my life to begin again. I'm waiting for A. I am doing the things that I want to do. I am aiming for my personal goals, but it doesn't complete me.
God is good to me, and I feel that he is answering my prayers. I feel, though, that he must have a deaf ear on what I am asking for in regard to my relationship with A. What is happening? Is he answering my prayers. Sometimes, I think he is.
Am I a fool? Am I pathetic? I don't think so. Because it is over 2-1/2 years separated, is it wrong for me to still pray and hope for a reconciliation? I don't think so. The world does. The people in my church do. The people I work with do.
One thing is, I am learning not to care what anyone else feels or thinks. I suppose that is a mark of strength. I am feeling more confident and my life is broadening. However, my pathway seems dim and it's difficult for me to find my way. I know that I want to get there. I just don't know how.
Dear JoJo,
After looking at your list, it appears that #3 & #4 are "things to do" to possibly get #1 accomplished:
-invite him to E's bday party
-invite him to cocktail party
These events are happening fairly soon, right? Is it time to get ready to attempt these? What medium (voicemail, call, email, face-to-face, etc.,) would work best when inviting A to these? I know you know that you want to offer an upbeat tone no matter how you choose to invite him. :o)
#3 & #4 offer gentle "nudges" to the relationship and allow you to interact with A more consistently, which shows a bit more assertiveness (which is an attractive feature) and creates more interaction.
What if we just focus on that for this next step before taking on the rest of the list, JoJo?
With much care and support,
Hi L,
Thanks...not sure what will make me feel better. I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster ride. I don't deserve it.
Sometimes, I want to slug him in the jaw...stupid, idiot, jerk! He gets mad at my nephew for talking to my mother and to me so poorly. He doesn't like my sister-in-law for being so condescending when she talks to me. Yet, what he did is not any better. I can take my nephew and my sister-in-law. He talks to me about how terrible it is that 'so & so' are getting a divorce. Then, I want to beat him up!!! Does he want me to stand up to him? I want to sit him down and tell him that what he did was extremely deplorable.
I have read book after book after book. In every case, there was a reason why someone left someone else. They were terribly needy, they were neglectful, disrespectful, screaming, yelling, nagging, impatient. Some of these things lead to cheating. There were alcholism, abuse, gambling, over-work, under-work.
I have come to the conclusion that I didn't do anything that couldn't have been fixed, tweaked or even encouraged.
I am so mad at myself for calling him back when that day he told me he wanted a divorce. He told me on the phone while I was driving home from work!!! I had to pull over I was in such a state of schock. I told him that I couldn't talk and he said 'ok, please call me back soon'. I did! What a jerk I was! I hate myself for that.
Lately, my goals have been:
1.) I want him to apologize to me.
2.) I want him to work at seeking me out.
3.) I want him to initiate seeing me.
4.) I want him to miss me.
5.) I want to stop making it easy for him.
6.) I want to see it in his actions that he regrets what he did.
7.) I want him to want to talk to me.
8.) I want to see that he wants to adore me.
Of course, I want to see him. I could care less what he does or who he is with when he is not with me, but I want him to desire to be with me again. I decided that game playing is not a bad thing. I want to play hard to get. I want him to know that I'm not so available. I want him to know that I am busy with building my life. I am tired.
Hi again,
I'm glad I got that off my chest. I needed to purge my emotions.
Current Status:
1.) Weather permitting, I am working in the garden in the morning.
2.) I need to get my inspection sticker.
3.) I need to get my tires changed. Hate doing #2 & #3. ;[
4.) calling you at 3:00pm
5.) going to hypnotist at 6:30pm (looking forward to that)
6.) I ordered P-90X.
7.) Save money...could be getting a promotion. Thank the Lord for Pay Day this Friday!!!
Dear JoJo,
Hey there JoJo,
I am glad you can come here to get all of that out. And anger can be helpful, too, as you have experienced some painful events.
And help me understand from these last few posts which ideas and thoughts are a bit of purging and which you would like to focus on and explore, OK?
And...I hope you get to work in your garden tomorrow morning! :o) Laurie
It is going to build you up??
Only positive vibes!!
BIG HUG!
Hi L: Lots to think about in the last few weeks.
The anger is a funny thing. I feel like I'm stepping out from someplace where I couldn't see anything around me because it was all smothering me. Now that I am stepping away from it, I can see things more clearly. I have a better perspective now. It's not that I want to be angry at 'A'. I am just angry.
I want very much to set new boundaries for myself this time around. I want to have a more definitive nature. I want to express my boundaries with more clarity. I know he festers about problems when he says there aren't any. I also know that he used to remind me or others about the problems months later even after he said they there weren't any problems. I don't want that anymore.
I deserve and deserved to be doing all the things with A that he is doing now by himself and with his new friends.
I pray for another chance for him and me to start again and get to know each other again. I pray for times together so we can enjoy each other in the best sense.
I am eating better. Hypnotism was/is awesome. I am enjoying myself at work. I'm getting things done little by little. I'm in the process of starting some kind of exercise regime. I'm still saving $$$. I think I'm going to plan a menu to serve to my friends at my house. Maybe a bbq...
I know that I want to be and feel attractive to him and to myself.
I do appreciate your suggestions from yesterday. I do want to 'gently nudge' him. At the same time, I want to be assertive and know my own boundaries and take care of myself. I know that I want very much to enjoy him and I want to show him that he can enjoy me.
I want to do what it takes to build myself up!
I've been reading a book about flirting. I ask the guys at work what they think. They think I'm silly. I've been practicing a new walk at work.
Big Hug!
I AM ALL ABOUT BUILDING MYSELF UP.
I am going to be so better prepared as a stronger individual--better to take care of myself and better to take care of A--when God gives us our time to be together again.
Current Status:
1.) Baseball game with Dad was so much fun! We had a great time. The night was perfect, they even won!
a.) I want to go again.
2.) A Moment at the nail salon. So, I went to get my nails done today. I'm doing things that are positive.
While I was there, I turned around and I saw A coming to the door. He said that he thought that he saw my car. He knew it was my car since it still had snow tires on it. He gave me a nice kiss. I showed him my nails. I flirted a little. He went next door to the liquor store but didn't buy anything. I waved good bye. He left to go grocery shopping next door. My heart wanted to get into my car and follow him. But I knew that it was good. I didn't have any make up on, but my nails are beautiful and I smile and was charming.
But...he came in...I saw him outside, so handsome. He walked through a crowded room to kiss me and say 'hello'. How familiar this scene was to me. I feel that God wants me to trust him. I feel that God is answering my prayers. My plan was not to see him this week and wait. But God's plan was for him to be in my life today. I was happy and ready...no makeup...but it was good. God wants me to believe in him. I am tryiing.
I found ya
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY....
HOPE ALL IS WELL
Doc
Me too, jojo and Laurie,
Can I come join in on this thread too? Pretty please? Or is it closed?
poet
Just in case I'm welcome here, these are my immediate goals.
1. Go to bed and get some rest.
2. Get up and go to work tomorrow.
3. Find a job that's closer to home.
4. Do not contact H, at least until our anniversary, which is on May 26th.
5. Keep doing EMDR therapy.
6. Lose weight.
Hey jojo. I got my toenails painted last weekend. :):):)
poet
Jo Jo,
I am so glad you had such a great time with your dad! Yeah!!
What are the chances of A showing up at the same time in the near vicinity?
What a wonderful moment and I can envision the scene and understand some of the beautiful significance.
And JoJo, I'd encourage you to keep the snow tires on all summer!
Grins and hugs,
Laurie
Dear Poet,
Since you last posted your goals above, how are you doing on them? I hope you are getting your rest, finding potential jobs, and are doing well with the rest of them!
(And I hope your toenails are looking pretty!)
Take care,
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
Thank you for hearing me. :):):):) Yep, I got my toenails done recently and they are still in "almost" fresh mode. LOL.
Yes, I've accomplished most of my goals. My H goals are on fast-forward zoom, and no I have not talked to him....getting the point of total dismay.
The only goal I have not accomplished thus far is "lose weight." Any good, as in "good" suggestions?
Hugs to you and jojo.
poet
current status:
1.) my mom had a double bi-pass operation.
a.) feeling physically and emotionally tired.
2.) she is now in rehab
b.) my father is very tired.
3.) I txt A for reassurance after hearing the news of operation
a.) He responded in with advice to be strong (very Mars)
b.) A couple of days later he txt to ask how the operation went.
c.) One week after the operation...no word
4.) went to hypnotist
a.) like it a lot
b.) I'm eating better
5.) still...feeling tired and wiped out
a.) giving the card is looking really good about now
6.) going out with friends tomorrow
7.) went to ny last weekend for nephews graduation
a.) nice to see him, but it exhausted me
b.) no time for myself ever, no peace
8.) praying and talking to God a lot lately
a.) I feel that there is something right on the edge of happening...something good is going to happen soon...a turning point of some kind...I can sense something.
Current Status:1.) Mom had a better day today.
2.) We are taking her home on Tuesday.
3.) Concerned about both of my parents.
4.) Snuggled with Mom on her bed today and we napped together.
5.) Took my Dad around the rehab on a wheel chair. I think he liked the ride.
6.) Brother and sister-in-law came to visit from NY...good to see them.
7.) Father is giving me air-conditioning for my house.
8.) Work is tiring...taking a vacation at the end of July. Yay!
9.) No contact to or from A. I'm waiting.
10) Eating better, but I'm not losing weight.11) Believing in God for something substantial...expecting it.
I actually need help figuring out what to do. My H, as you know, keeps *some* of his mail going to the mailbox at home. Trouble is, he can't *see* the house from the mailbox as it is up on the highway, and our home is behind a stand of -- oh, I'd say three acres of closely knit trees. So, in order to see the house, he HAS to drive down our limerock road.
When he passes the house, it's because he can't see my car behind the house. So, he drives to the neighbor and if my car is there, he turns around and leaves. If my car is not there, he turns around and then comes in the driveway. My neighbor sees him do this sometimes. But my neighbor can't see if he goes into the house or not, and I can't tell if he's been inside.
Anyway, he's been playing a game with me lately. He does not want to pay for the propane gas bill, but he's still paying the electricity and the Internet and the house insurance. I paid half of the propane bill last month, amounting to $125. This month, I had his lawn mower fixed at $130. But he's been leaving the propane bill in the mailbox for me to see. He even put a piece of mail underneath it for me to surely see it. Anyway, my gf says to ask him to please pay the other half of the bill since I fixed his lawn mower. She says it's only fair. I have another gf who thinks he's a loser. My IC, who used to want me to lose him, now says she wants to support me in whatever I choose. She says to leave a note for him on the envelope explaining the situation. Other DBers have told me to go dark, which I've been now for more than two weeks. I want to stay dark, but I fear this game he's playing (he wants me to call him so he can say "See, I told you not to reach out to me and to leave me alone and you won't)."
Laurie, do you have any advice for me. I want to do what is best for my sitch, but I don't know how to approach it. I really believe it's a game for him, how long will I go without contact. He's very stubborn and likes to be in control.
How should I handle this? (Thanks in advance).
Poet
current status:
1.) roommate does not encourage me anymore. says 'he wants to open my eyes'...says 'he wants me to feel better'.
2.) E did not invite me to her b'day party...she invited A.
3.) Roommate was at party...says A acts like he doesn't care for me or that he will never want me again.
4.) taking care of parents have done a job on my emotions
5.) I don't need this extra discouragement in my life.
6.) E is mean...she is out of my life as M is
7.) V (roommate) thinks by saying this is going to make me feel better. I don't!
current status:
1.) with 3 steps forward, there are 2-1/2 steps backward.
2.) positive emotional progress is difficult
3.) trying to push forward with good eating habits...doing ok
a.) I'm not very disciplined
4.) even though all people...except Mom & L...are against my goals and discourage me with A, I try to remember what Mom and L say and do what I know is right and best. others think I'm crazy.
5.) I have been used and abused for the last time in the 'B.....n' community. I feel that I must be the laughing stock in their group. I must look pathetic. 'she's so nice; let's take advantage of her and get what we want, then dump her'
a.) I thought I had a support person who understood and believed in my goals, but she was only out to get what she wanted. I was discarded by E. The punishment does not match the crime. 'typical behavior for the 'b.......ns'. Dramatic sweeping axing is what i rec'd.
6. feeling abandoned again by people who said they would go along side me, even though it felt like a suspicious vibe for me...I believed them. A, M & now E. I'm afraid of V, too.
7.) I don't trust anyone right now
Current Status:
1.) Feeling a little better, physically and mentally
a.) nice talk with L got me re-focused
b.) still feel shook up and amazed with E's craziness
2.) re: E, even though I never really trusted her and I kept my distance from her, I thought she was a person who really wanted to help me in my goals toward reconciliation with 'A'.
a.) since the beginning, all the people who were close to me fell away from me in like I had a bad case of leporcy. Swoosh.
b.) now I feel like I am starting over again.
3.) Good news: I discovered that A can relate to me regardless of all that happened.
a.) Goals are to try to initiate..living plans, moving plans, birthday plans.
b.) I'm nervous about his moving far from here. I got used to him being just a few miles away.
current status:
1.) feeling alone
2.) txt A. no response. he must be off today.
a.) trying to stay positive
b.) he should respond either by txt or phone.
3.) still am sad.
current status:1.) rec'd txt message from A at 7:45am with an answer to my question: I'm wondering when you are passing papers? His answer: Unfortunately, buyer backed out. But how is your mom?
a.) I've noticed that his initial message answers a question and then he asks one. I like that. It tells me that he wants to pursue some communication and show interest.
b.) I responded to his bad news, encouraged him (always...he needs it, I like it), answered his question. Goals:1.) A's birthday this month. I'm telling him that I'd like to take him out for his birthday.
2.) continuing to ask about condo and offer my extra bedroom in the transition period, also basement for storage.
3.) I'm asking God for movement toward actual hanging out together time. I need a break.
Hi JoJo!
1) I am glad you were feeling better physically and mentally on the 29th. Your posting last night appears that there has been a dip in how you are feeling. Can some things be done today to nudge you back to how you felt on the 29th?
2. Regarding E, it is hard to know her intentions for not supporting you about A. It does seem she can be highly reactive and focuses on herself and not the needs of others. During this time in your life, it will be important to put those around you that will support you and be empathetic.
3 It is good that A does not seem to let some of the reactive behavior of your friends decide for him how he will relate to you. I think that may support the idea that how
you relate to A has more of an impact that what your friends do.
Hugs to you....
Hi Laurie: So much has happened in the last few days. I really believe that God is holding tight to me, too.
A has shown to me in just the last few days that he has plans to build on including me in his current life. It really has been amazing!!!
Since I decided that E is not a healthy choice in a friendship for me, (she is highly reactive and vindictive...aka nuts) I have been giving it all to God. Turns out that when I did that, God basically agreed.
A txt me: Are you free Friday?
I answered: 'I think so'.
He invited me over for appetizers and cocktails with E and her husband. I didn't know how to answer that quetion. I paused for a long time. I wanted to be with him, but I thought I would be uncomfortable with E. I waited. Then...I looked at the clock...11:11am...
I stopped to thank God even though I felt it was a tough choice to make.
My text: ...thank you, I'd like to spend time with you and I like E's H 'C', but I'd feel uncomfortable with e there.
His response: I didn't know. I'm sorry. So Long.
I almost died.
So Long? what does that mean?
I text him back: Do you understand?
A responded: I don't know what is going on but there will be other gatherings. Although, it will be very sad that you will not be able to come to my birthday party at E' & C's house ... but I understand.
I laughed to myself because I thought I was showing him that I was indepedent and that I was showing him my boundaries. Instead, he knew how to push my buttons.
Soooo, I looked at my phone and said...what! Birthday party?
My text: I want to go. Ok...no saddness allowed. I'm coming over your place on Friday! What time? And (separate text) I want to go to your birthday party!
His text: It will be at 8:00pm. We will have fun! OK?
My text: O...K... Big Smile! Big Hug!
A's text back: JoJo, life is too short to let grudges get in the way. Look forward to seeing you Friday.
Laurie: I cried and laughed at the same time. Life is too short for grudges...I thought I'd crack a rib. I like the way that we become each other. that was almost like me talking to him. I'm the one with the grudge and he is the one encouraging. I cried. I laughed!
See how much God showed me. So much happened!
Dear jojo, It seems to me that your H is really trying to connect with you. How awesome that he invited you to his birthday party and expressed his sadness over you not going to it. I hope it goes well tomorrow. Pray for guidance for how to handle the party. Keep up the grateful attitude,
PH
Thank you for your prayers and your encouragement PH!
I hope and pray that all is going smoothly and positively with you.
Hi Laur! Update:1.) Went to A's house last night
a.) had a great time
b.) had good time with E
2.) His friend was also their (the one who has son)
a.) I watched them interact all night
b.) concensus is that they are just friends
3.) Still, I am jealous
a.) I want to have that plus more.
4.) Got some great hugging signals, but smelly aunt kiss on cheek when he walked me to car. (hate that!)
5.) He encouraged me about my not liking my pictures because I said that I looked fat. He said that I am too critical about myself. I liked that he was listening to me.
6.) I want more! Now! But feel good, but miss him.
7.) Hated leaving him.
Current Status:
Later in the day:
1.) I've gone through the positives, but I feel bad that the people around me ask me how long I am going to wait.
a.) I cry.
b.) I'm tired of wishing people could encourage me.
Reminder to Self:
1.) He invited me, even though he didn't have to.
2.) He encouraged me to come, even though I told him otherwise.
3.) He held me close, cheek to cheek, during taking of picture
4.) He text me today to thank me for coming & hoped I felt better because I drank a little too much.
I still want to give him my note.
Hi jojo,
Yes, there are some good positives in your interaction with you H. When people quetion you waiting, say "Interesting. Why do you ask?" and then don't answer or change the subject...
Do you subscribe to and read Charlyne Cares newsletters? They are very encouraging and often speak to my circumstance just as if they were written for me, and just at the time most needed.
People ask because they don't understand why. They are not in your shoes so they can't understand. Try not to let them discourage you or bother you.
What's in your note to your H?
Hi...yes, I did receive her newsletters, but I got so behind in reading them that I stopped reading it. I have her tapes and their books. I feel that God is on my side.
My note is short and sweet about what is starting to happen now...I guess. Just encouraging him and encouraging sharing light-hearted, happy times together.
When people ask me how long will you wait for him? I tell them forever. My friend said today that if he isn't with you by now...blah, blah, blah. I said, 'how do you know that?' Then I say that I need you to encourage me. I will never give up.
thanks again PH! You are very kind and I appreciate you support and encouragement.
jojo, I stopped reading for a while but started up again and now I won't stop reading them. There's no need to read all the ones you missed. Just start reading the current day's and go from there.
I suggest avoiding anything that talks about your relationship. Keep your notes non-pressuring - send him a funny email, and add your own words of affirmation. Make sure that the jokes are not religious or about a morla lesson or about relationship stuff.
It's wonderful that you are able to tell them you're not giving up. Often when we're doing the right thing by God, we get opposition because there are "forces" trying to break up families and marriages. When our actions threaten that plan, we find ourselves in situations that try to get us to give up.... if you know what I mean. I am being a little bit cryptic here.
Update:
1.) Went to brunch with friends
a.) E was included, we had a nice time, I have to remember to keep a watchful eye.
2.) E told me that when she spoke to A to thank him for a wonderful time at party, A told her to tell me to have a cocktail party and to make sure to invite him.
a.) He also told her that he wants to make sure that I 'do it' and not just talk about it.
b.) Feels good that he is interested in getting back into my life. I like it.
3.) A also told E that he thought I looked very pretty Friday night, and he thought I was too hard on myself.
a.) I am grateful to E that she told me these things. I hope that they are true.
Goal for self:
1.) try to activate myself and 'do'
2.) I want to 'do' lots of things.
Thanks PH! I agree with you. I'm going to start reading the newsletters again. I remember that they do encourage.
I think I always want to send the note when I'm feeling doubtful or frightened, but it seems that good things are happening anyway. I feel encouraged. Hmmmm...2-1/2 years and the encouragement from A for connection is finally building.
What is happening with you and your H?
Current Status:
1.) Find myself thinking about A and his new friend, D (woman).
a.) my mind is whirling about their friendly relationship.
2.) I am jealous. I want what she has. I wonder if she wants him. I try to think of positive things that happened, but still he is in her life.
3.) Question: is he starting to let me into his life now? I would like that very much. I miss him.
4.) It is his birthday this Wednesday. She knew his birthday. What are they doing to celebrate? I would like to celebrate his birthday.
5.) I think I have competition.
Hey you two...glad you connected. If you want support JoJo, PH will be there for you - along with me! Thanks, PH!
Dear JoJo,
I would encourage you to stop thinking about D and continue to focus on the positives of the night you had with A. Also, to begin thinking about your next steps that encourage your summer goals.
Is it doable to do that? I believe in you and in your ability to mentally move forward and let go of the worries.
Big hug!
(
Hi PH,
JoJo asked how you are doing and I am also wondering how this month has been for you. Catch us up when you can!
Take care, Laurie
Laurie, Thought you got the update... Let me know. Thank you for checking in on me.
Jojo, I am doing OK despite being in the midst of D discussions. I told my counselor today that I have a spring in my step despite all that's happening with my H and my M. He commended me for being able to live in the moment, despite my M problems.
Take Laurie's advice. Focus on the positive things with your H, and keep up the praying, and reading the Charlyne Cares. There is a reason for why this crisis happened. Work on yourself and on your R with God, because you will need both these things for when your H comes home. God wants us to put Him first...
Take care, PH
Thanks PH, you are amazing...it is exactly your kind of attitude and feeling that I want for myself.
God is good! It is amazing how much he has shown me how much he is there for me and how much he is answering my prayers.
Hi Laurie, I can't wait to talk later. Good advice. I remember now, if it doesn't do me any good, don't go there.
11:11 is coming around a lot lately. After I pray, 11:11 or 1:11. I talk to God 'A LOT'... I look up 11:11 or 7:31 (another favorite).
What I want myself to be is self-assured...strong with my convictions...easy going...talented...independent...yet, loving, giving, caring, understanding. I want to show my talents...I want to practice discipline.
I want A to say 'Wow'!
I have been patting myself on the back more often lately.
Today, I asked God for encouragement. I received such wonderful words of encouragement just moments after I asked from three different sources. I knew right away how Good God is and I felt loved immediately.
PH, you are wonderful and beautiful. Big hug to you!
And isn't Laurie the BEST! xxoo
Positive List:
1.) A invited me to his place for a cocktail party.
2.) When I initially said that I couldn't attend, he acted as if he was upset. Encouraged me to come.
3.) Told me that he wanted to invite me to his birthday party.
4.) During the night, looked to me to ask for support.
5.) When taking pictures, he held me close with cheek to cheek.
6.) Talked to me later when everyone left. He seemed very comfortable.
7.) Talked heart to heart about how his parents view him. 'I wish my parents loved me like your parents love you'. I told him that they do.
8.) Walked me to my car & we joked a bit.
9.) Text me the next day to see how I was feeling, since the alcohol effected me a little the night before.
10.) He told my friend that he thought that I looked good and seemed like I was doing good.
11.) Told my friend that he wants to encourage me to have a gathering at my house so he can come to it.
12.) I joined the gym!!
All good and God is holding my hand. I feel that we are turning a corner, but at a slow speed. I will take it.
This is an interesting post. I usually post under "Doing Me" in newcomers and yesterday I wrote all about the signs God sends me. It is so amazing.
Attainable goals for me:
Bake another cake - I did this a few weeks ago and H was happy to taste it. It helped break some ice at a time when we were both "dim".
Watch a comedy on TV with H. We usually watch the news but a comedy would be good.
Vary my exercise routine. I usually walk/run but I want to add some yoga and light weights.
Try new recipes. Especially things H likes but that I have never tried because I thought they might be too difficult.
Keep up a PMA. It can be a challenge at times but God is with me, so why should I be down?
I have some others but I will focus on these for a bit and see how it goes.
Jojo, Thanks for your very kind words. And yes, God does speak to us in many ways. I heard on the radio that God speaks to us all time and we often fail to hear because we let other things drown out His voice.
Yes, agree about taking baby steps as things turn around. Baby steps are good.
I like your positive list. Are you going to take up A's challenge to have a get-together at your house? Would it be a good opportunity to show him your independence and your changes?
It's great that you joined the gym. Working out will energize you and help you feel healthy and well. You'll feel good about yourself.
Hope you have a good weekend. PH
Current Status:
1.) trying to let go of worries
a.) they flood my mind sometimes, but I fight them off the best I can
2.) thought about 3 choices for birthday celebration with A
a.) spend the day at an ocean community--Martha's Vineyard
b.) go to six flags and dinner
c.) go to brunch on the water in Boston, go to movie
d.) drive-in Movie & picnic
e.) movie and dinner
f.) claim dibs on Mama Mia show when it comes to Boston.
3.) thinking about baking a cake and bringing it to him on Wednesday.
4.) Found a great card. Sending it tomorrow.
5.) Feeling scared and nervous. I am frightened of the effect she has on him. I'm afraid that he is filling his life with her and her family.
Current Status:
1.) Had terrible A dream last night. (reocurring)
2.) Positive: my brother-in-law called from UK, left message.
a.) He must have gotten my number from A
b.) He said he missed me.
c.) After I signed up for international calling, I still couldn't connect. I left message with A to call me for details how to connect to UK. Excited about talking to brother-in-law.
3.) Went to gym.
4.) took care of mother in morning.
5.) found great b-card for A.
a.) adding to list of choices. Directions will be to either pick one or all, but he has to choose at least one.
1.) See Kathy Griffen, dinner
2.) See Jersey Boys, dinner at end of July.
3.) Six Flags and dinner
4.) Go to beach community for the day (RI, Cape, North Shore)
5.) Brunch on the odyssey
6.) Picnic at the Drive-in Movie
still feel threatened by D. I can't remember the reason why Laurie told me why I have the edge over her. I'm working on my confidence, but struggliing.
Hi PH: so good to hear from you. I pray for you and your H every day (at least twice a day).
God tells us to believe in him and trust him. I believe that we are all his, but I tell him that I trust him. Still, I'm nervous and scared at the same time.
Talk about challenge...lifting my head up with certainty is my challenge. Work settles me. I don't know why. Maybe because it is emotionally safe. My days off, I'm afraid and I have to push myself. Pushing myself is a little easier. Maybe because I feel that I have competition.
I've been wracking my brain trying to remember what Laurie told me about why I have the edge over this new friend of A's. All I know is that it doesn't help me to think about her.
I was thinking that I might even bake A a birthday cake for his birthday on Wednesday and bring it to his job so everyone can share. What do you think?
big hug,
Dear Laurie: Very difficult to let go of worries.
Feeling emotional. Boobs hurt! Maybe PMS has the best of me.
My mind is full of my fears. I somehow believe that A thinks she is everythihng I'm not or that she has a good balance of what I have and what I am trying to be. I know you said that I don't give myself enough credit, but I am trying to take a que from her ... yet, A does not give me any time alone with me.
He already said that she was independent. He once told me that I didn't have an identity. He once told me that he needs someone strong. I am very frightened, yet I don't understand what his motives were to invite the both of us.
I'm not sure that I believe what E told me about A wanting me to entertain and to invite him. I wonder if he will eer take me up on my offers.
my plan was to baake a cake for wed. but I'm nervous now.
List of options:
1.) See Jersey Boys, dinner in mid to end of July.
2.) Six Flags and dinner
3.) Go to beach community for the day (RI, Cape, North Shore, Martha's Vineyard)
4.) Brunch on the odyssey
5.) Picnic at the Drive-in Movie
Scared...
Goals:
1.) A wanting to spend time alone with me.
2.) A hanging out with me.
3.) A and I going to dinner.
4.) Light-hearted times
5.) Laughing together.
6.) His making plans with me.
a.) dinner, movies, parties, social events, shows
7.) I want him to say will I see you tomorrow, this week, this weekend? When will I see you next?
Laurie:
birthday is coming...I'm not sure what to do
go to his work with his card
go to his work with his card and birthday cake
send card with the list of choices
?
Hi jojo,
Thanks for all your prayers. It's really kind of you to pray.
Re: your situation, pray about even the little things - whether to bake a cake for A's birthday. Ask yourself how he would take that. WIll it bring him closer to you or ewill it put pressure on him? Will it come across as being needy? How about baking the cake, and if he shows up, give it to him. If not, freeze the cake until the next time you saw him.
If he thinks you need to be more independent and strong, then that's a good area of your life to work. Your independence will become very attractive to him.
Do you go to individual counselling? Check out emdria.org - ggod method to get over past habits, hurts.
Hugs, PH
Thank you PH: I am very confused now. I feel right now that this new woman is taking over. I have a terrible feeling about this. I don't know how I can compete. I'm not sure how he will ever let me in, if she is taking up all of his time. My goal is to get to a point where we spend alone time together and bond. I don't see it happening if they are planning everything together. I am very afraid. How will he let me in? My friend told me that they are just friends, but she is taking part of every corner of his life.
I can not start any therapy outside of this counseling because I do not want to start explaining my story all over again. I can't afford the time to even drive to the appointment. My schedule is too tight. I have not found any therapist who is supportive of reconciling with my husband. All of them say to give up and to move on and to stop putting myself in that position.
Jojo, You have to surrender this all to God - the OW, your H and your marriage. You can only do your part. The rest is outside your control. I think you need to focus on your own healing (from your marriage issues, your past, etc.) Getting healed will also have the great side benefit of making you much more attractive to your H and your friends. Because you'll become confident of yourself and content (from within), and it WILL show through without conscious effort.
When you are ready for healing and for counselling to help with that (not marriage counselling), you will be able to make time for it. My schedule is very tight too but I do make time for the things that are important to me - church, Bible Study, support group, recreation, counselling, etc.
For me, it's worth the time spent on working on healing because I'd rather be healed than to live the rest of my life in pain from past hurts.
Hi jojo,
I haven't posted to you before but your questions and worries struck a chord with me as they are what I agonise over when I allow myself. I just wanted to share with you how I cope with it.
It is so hard when you don't have the full picture to assume things. When you do it makes the situation grow in your mind and can take over and takes the focus off the things you actually have control over. I always say to myself that when I feel this way the best thing is to do nothing, allow it to pass and then act if necessary when I am calmer. On our timescales a few days here and there won't matter.
Why don't you turn things around in your mind a little and focus on the things you can control. Firstly, and most importantly, you do not need to compete. It puts you in a position of weakness and following your thread I can see that isn't you. My goal is to make myself so fabulous that my h would be a fool to not want to be with me and primarily the added benefit of making me feel better, not to mention look better.
You also cannot control how much time they spend with each other but you can control your reactions in the time that you spend together and make it the best it can be. You don't need to worry about him letting you in, it sounds like he already does this anyway. Go with the flow (easier said than done, I know!).
With regards to the cake... personally I wouldn't take it to work and I certainly wouldn't ask him about it. Last year, for h's birthday when things were really bad I sent him a voucher for an old fashioned shaving experience in the post. That way, I had made the effort but there was no pressure. This year, things are better and I have bought him a present which I will give him. I would bake a cake for when he comes round.
Anyway jojo, good luck. Do something nice for yourself today
.
Dear JCJ,
The support you offer to JoJo regarding focusing on what you can control is excellent. Having very little information can lead anyone toward a lot of assuming, which can nudge the anxiety and worry into the picture. So, thank you for your wise words: focus on what you can control!
Take care,
Laurie
Dear, dear JoJo,
JCJ offers valuable advice - focus on what you can control. You have made important positive steps that are getting filtered out as the worry takes over. You have accomplished many of your goals and are on the way of moving toward some more. My hope is that you refocus on that.
Regarding D, I encouraged you to remember that you offered qualities to A that he really responded to & he married you for those qualities. Women in his life that were very strong and assertive have been his friends, but he had not made the choice to marry them.
I hope that clears up the questioin!
Thank you PH, I feel a lot calmer now. I called my Dr. to make an appointment. I am thinking about what to do for July 4th. I have a lot of people around me who show me that I am loved. I do want to heal and be authentic to myself
I have joined the gym, and I understand a friend of mine goes to the same gym. I'm going to hook up with her to see when we can go together. I'm going to take out my camera, and I want to go out to take some pictures.
My mother has also been supportive. I'm just getting myself back on course and proceed 'steady as she goes'.
My friend from Church called the other day. I think, I will call her and go out to lunch. I think she needs a friend, as well.
So, thank you very much for your support.
big hug,
thank you JCJ, I think that you are very right. I took a lot of the focus off of what good I have done by letting my mind go wild. Pretty soon, my worries became anxieties. I can't go there anymore!
I am going to take your advice. I have joined the gym. And my goal is to feel and look better, too.
I guess he has started to let me in. I suppose sometimes I get frustrated on how slow it is going, but I want to take the positives. I do want to go with the flow. I axed the cake idea. I think what I am doing is enough for now.
I decided to go off the radar screen for awhile to get my head back on track and try to enjoy my friends. I pray a lot, I'll be taking walks, as soon as the sun comes out again, and most of all ... I don't want to take control of what is in God's hands. The last thing I want to do is do that.
Thank you for sharing. You have inspired and encouraged me!!!
Thank you so much for writing. Big Hug to you!
Dear PH, I forgot to tell you that I agree on surrendering it all to God. I do and feel my best my I know that God has me in his hands. Sometimes, I try to grab it back and I stamp my feet and whine. I wanted to tell you Thank you for reminding me.
xo
Dear Laurie, yes, it clears a lot of things up. I do feel better. I am so grateful for all three of you, PH, JCJ, and L.
I do feel loved. I was very aware of what God was trying to get across to me today. I truly believe that he wants me to know that I am loved and that he has is plan. The feeling was so unplanned and not forced. The feeling was almost like a smooth and steady heartbeat. It was like a beat of a soothing melody.
I talked to my mother after we spoke. She thinks my actions toward A have been timely and should be rec'd well. I got to a scarey place where I could only see the darkness.
I do feel better than I did earlier, but most of all I feel hopeful again. Thank you
Thank you for your HUG! I needed it.
Jojo, I am so glad to hear that you are feeling calmer, knowing that things are in God's control. Charlyne said recently to "remember that God has won the battle and we just need to wait for Him to take our H out of the enemy's camp".
Anyway, I think you should call up your friend and go out for lunch. If you can, do plan to do something with others on July 4th. I need to plan something for July 4th too.
I think you'll really start enjoying the gym. If you can, go by yourself so that you get into the habit of going regardless of whether your friend goes.
It's awesome that you are surrounded by people who care about you and that you feel loved. I hope you have a good appointment with your doctor. If you can, please check out emdria.org. EMDR is very effective. I really like it and have been getting it for 5 months and shown great progress.
Hugs, PH
Dear jojo
Thanks for the hugs, I'm glad to be of some help. Your words just spoke to me as it was exactly how I feel sometimes (last week in fact). I'm so glad you are joining a gym, I find excercise really helps. In fact I have been lapse of late so I shall have to get back on it again.
Sometimes the pace is so slow it is excrutiating, it seems with h I have patience that I didn't know I was capable of. I have never been in this positition of what I used to perceive to be lack of control before, it has taught me some huge lessons and actually I have control in far more productive ways now.
Stay strong! You are doing great.
Thanks Laurie
Focusing on what I can control is what brings me out of the tunnel if I start going down it. Feeling so anxious like that is horrible.
My big thing, and h said it to me a few times, was always thinking that I was right. It wasn't till I came here that I learnt about assuming and it really opened my eyes to lots of possibilites.
You know, I was lucky in a way that I had/ have no real information about what goes on in h's life. It used to frustrate me no end but now I am grateful, in fact I have limited it even more because if you only have a snippit of information it can grow to all proprtions. I'd rather now not know and focus on what happens between h and I when we do see each other and in between times get on with my own stuff.
Anyway, enough hijack. I always read your advice on here. Thank you.
Thank you PH, I do feel better...I'm not where I was last week, but I'm better. I feel kinda' sad today because it is A's birthday. I just text him, 'hope you are having a happy birthday so far!'. It doesn't require an answer, but still I would like one. No response, as yet.
I took one of my friends out to lunch today, and I told him what my plans were for the summer. He's a good guy.
I'm going to go to the gym tonight. I'm not sure what my plans are for the fourth yet, but I'm trying.
Thanks,
Awww..thanks so much for that hug, JoJo! I could really feel it!
Hi Laurie:
1.) My Mom went back into the hospital yesterday. Very low hemoglobin. Hopefully, she will be home tomorrow. I'm tired.
2.) Talked to L, the hypnotist. She is cute and sweet. She said that she can help with my sadness and help me with the 'red light' when my mind starts digging savagely.
3.) Went to dentist today. Feel good about that. Nice Hygenist her name is 'Joy'...
4.) Went to Psychologist today ... talked about getting somekind of extra lift.
5.) I'm still feeling fearful...I know that isn't from God
6.) A text me yesterday in response to my text.
he thanked me for the card.
Current Status:
1.) Feeling somewhat better...getting there, still feel a bit sad.
a.) I want more.
2.) Feel good that I am taking care of my own personal needs.
a.) went to dentist
b.) made an appt. for my primary care dr.
3.) Spoke to friends at work about my goal about getting to know them better...hang out, have a brunch at my house,
4.) Want to do better with self-discipline of 'doing' what I want to do without sadness.
5.) Need to remember what my end of summer goal is:
a.) I think it is more social connection with A and personal time with him. I would like to get to a point where there is more day-to-day planning and talking.
6.) Working on getting in shape. getting teeth whitened soon (can't wait)
Current Status:
I really don't know if any of this is really working. I feel that A's life is growing so much that a strong barrier is being built making it more difficult to have a stronger connection with him (even though I talk, txt, see him once in a while). I'm beginning to have a fear again that play havoc on my hopes.
Maybe I should just call him on the phone and tell him that I miss him very much and ask him what we could do to have something closer. I thought he liked me (never mind love). I thought he liked being around me. I thought I made him feel comfortable. How can I show him that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I just want more of his everyday life. I want more involvement.
I'll try to remember to concentrate on the positive. I don't want to pressure him. But I do want to show him that I can be assertive and fun, yet loving and understanding.
I'm so afraid because his life is so big with people who want him, and my life is so small. I wonder sometimes what I have to offer.
Funny how life works. Thirty eight and a half years after the fact, I finally realize how things work. We are all miracles. I know that. In fact, I knew that a long time ago, but Id forgotten it.
When I was 18 years old, I was given a date rape drug and gang raped by three men in the back of a van. Long story, but when it was over, I was kicked out of the van on a cold dark street in the middle of winter. I had to walk two miles to get home that night, and thank goodness, I still had my key.
Ten days after my husband asked me to marry him, I was watching a TV movie about a girl who was given a date rape drug and raped, when I had my flashback. Funny how our mind works 25 years after the fact, I finally knew I was raped. I ran to the bedroom screaming and crying, and instead of hugging me, or holding me until the pain stopped, my, then fiancι, rolled over and said. Oh, that was so long ago, you need to get over it, poet.
Im not making excuses for him, but I now believe that he did that because it was the only way he knew how to deal with the pain, his own pain. I could be wrong, but somehow, I believe he has his own pain that he never dealt with, and that he never talks about. Ill bet thats just what he does.
Anyway, tonight it hit me. I was sitting there watching a movie, and began to cry. At first, I didnt know why I was crying, but now I do. My H has been telling me all along that I dont understand him. In the beginning of all this, he told me he was ...trying to move on, but you wont let me. He also use to say, Poet, you need to move on, or, You should have moved on by now.
I could be wrong, but my panic and my pain this past year has been all about something I couldnt put my finger on. But, now I know. Its not me at all who is holding him back from moving on. Its him who is holding me back from moving on. He wont see me. He wont talk to me. And, he wont divorce me. He still lives in our 19-foot camper where hes been all along.
Somehow, I believe that if he would just sit down with me, and let me tell him about my pain from that night, I could move on. I might even be the one to file for divorce. It makes sense to me now. Ive been panicked because he wont listen to me. He never did. If I could just get those words out of my mouth and have him *hear* me, I am sure I could get past this turmoil, this anxiety that I feel, this phase of thinking that he is my soul mate. Its obvious that he is truly not right for me. How could a man be right for a woman who wont even hear her darkest/deepest fears?
As soon as he will let me express this deep emotion, Im sure I could move on. Doesnt that make sense? If the man wants to be free of me, wouldnt it behoove him to listen for 45 minutes and then let me go? Am I being unrealistic here? Life is a mystery, but some things have answers to them, and pathways that surely lead to growth, not just for one party, but for both???
Is this an attainable goal?
poet
Hi JCJ: Re-reading your advice helped me tonight. I'm going to stay on track and stay with my goals. I have a lot of goals that apparently are longer term goals than I would like them to be.
Today, my friend, E, told me that she couldn't have a birthday party for A because her life was too crazy. She told me to have it at my house. Although I appreciate her encouragement, I don't want to push A. Even though I do want to make plans, I don't want to overwhelm him too much with 'me'.
I don't know. I do want to make plans with him. I just don't know how or when. Right now I was in a backing away stage to strengthen myself. But E is telling me to have a party.
I am going to sleep on it for awhile. I don't want to jump just because she tells me to jump. I don't feel quite right just yet.
Anyway...I like what you say about looking my best.
I hope you are doing ok.
Big hug,
Hey jojo,
Have your read the book, "The Richest Man Who Ever Lived," yet. It's a good one.
poet
Current Status:
1.) I am hoping there is still time to be able to build a life with A.
2.) I feel that I am missing out on all that he is experiencing without me.
3.) I want to be attractive to him.
4.) I feel that we are living parallel lives.
5.) I want him to know that it doesn't have to be all or nothing with me.
6.) I want to share part of my life with him (too).
poet, Men are not good listeners because they feel such a failure when they don't have the solution. They think and behave so differently from women. My H didn't listen to me either. It's the way they are wired. Read "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn or "Love & Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs.
Dear jojo, Surrender your H to God. There is life apart from your H. It's possible to enjoy life without him. Doesn't mean you give up on him. Just emans that while he's away, you can still live in the moment and enjoy life. Do that. Make it a goal. The side effect, even though shouldn't be the reason you do it, is that your H will be more attracted to the happy, peaceful, independent you.
thank you PH, I'm trying. I do want to enjoy life apart from A. I want to feel attractive and feel that I look attractive (confidence)!
Thanks again for your terrific insight and timely encouragement!
big hug,
current status:
1.) went to gym yesterday before work. pushed myself, but I made it.
2.) went out for drinks with friends after work. had a good time. we all agreed that it was good to go out with each other and should do it more often to be able to build friendly relationships with each other.
3.) saw family briefly this morning for father's day gathering at my brother's house. short & sweet.
4.) went to dinner with friend from work.
5.) between yesterday and today we shared a lot of laughs at work.
6.) talked to mom on the phone about how I miss A and wish we were at the point where A & I were talk daily.
7.) trying to make it two weeks without contacting him.
a.) this time, I'm concentrating on the gym and having my friends over.
8.) asked my friend to come over to do some crafts with me because I have a big basement and I'd like the company. I suggested that we could also do our art stuff on mky porch. Hopefully this weekend.
Dear jojo,
Good stuff! It's great that you are spending time with people and also reaching out to invite others to do things with you. You're better at being the one to invite someone to spend time with you. I am working on this.
Hugs, PH
Thanks PH for the encouragement! The only person who really encourages me in my personal life is my mother. I'd be lost without her.
In the meantime, I can't seem to kick the blues. I'm hoping that it is PMS charged.
My prayer life has been very intense. I don't feel grateful, but I am. I'd like to feel grateful again.
Thursday night, I have plans with my friends from work to have dinner together. One of them is very anti-A. So, I stay clear of any conversation. And I never like the suggestions made.
I am dreading the 4th of July.
thanks again,
current status:
1.) feeling better today and more confident.
2.) planning my day off, two rainy days in the forecast
3.) would like to tell A that I miss him
a.) wondering why I can't
Current Status:
1.) I talked to my brother-in-law who lives in U.K., I am very happy that we talked about my coming to visit him in early August.
a.) I have missed him. He is like a little brother to me.
b.) Since he has been in England, he told me that he hasn't had a chance to visit any sites. We are looking forward to visiting each other for a week.
2.) Been taking care of myself making doctors appt.
a.) primary care appt. on Thursday., I went to dentist last week.
b.) I need to have my thyroid and blood pressure checked.
3.) Tomorrow is my hair appointment. I always look forward to that. Then, I am going to Black & White to buy a dress...at least look at some.
4.) & going to gym.
Thank you PH for your input.
I really need someone to talk to sometimes.
I went to see a priest on Monday. He said I seemed happy to him. Little does he know. Oh well. We talked about morals and ethics etc. It was a good talk. He said he may go see my H someday. We'll see.
I called H on the way home and told him about the doggie bowl (automatically keeps water in the bowl) which is broken. So, he said he would fix it.(I had to tell him when I would not be there). Nice, huh?
Anyway, he came home (while I was not there) and fixed it on Tuesday. This is something I had asked him to do two months ago. So, I guess his doing it is a good thing. Still wondering if I should send him a Thank You card???
My priest says that since he has not moved out any of his "stuff" that means he has not really moved out yet. Never thought of it that way. Oh well.
I've been taking care of myself too. I got the lawnmover fixed but then the cord broke. So, back to the shop it must go. I've lopped down many many low lying branches from the trees in our yard. So, were it not for the grass getting too high, my yard looks pretty.
I've been cooking pretty decent meals, and I'm still looking for a job closer to home. Went to see "the proposal" last night, and cried. Wish I had someone to talk to.
Oh well,
take care,
poet
current status:
1.) one week without any contact. maybe I will txt or call him next wednnesday.
2.) got hair done today and went dress shopping. $$$
3.) ate dinner with parents.
4.) going back to Weight Watchers tomorrow.
Dear JoJo,
It seems you have a steady focus and determination to stay with your goals!
And you have a plan to contact him next Wednesday, so you are keeping up staying in touch, which tends to get nice responses from A.
And JoJo, I get the sense your perspective has gotten a bit stronger over these last few weeks. Am I somewhat correct?
Hugs to a very nice and caring person!
Hi Kara,
I just thought I would see how you are doing on your goals from 2 weeks ago?
Take care,
Laurie
Dear JCJ,
I really appreciated your statement:
I'd rather now not know and focus on what happens between h and I when we do see each other and in between times get on with my own stuff
You are on target when you say to "focus on what happens between h and I", as they are the moments you have control in which to have a positive and direct impact on your spouse and the relationship. Great point!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom,
Laurie
Laurie,
Hope you reading ... I agree with JCJ and you. I like to focus on only when we talk (because he refuses to see me) so I'm nice in those moments, even when he is not.
As for me? I have been called in for a job interview half the distance from where I now work. (It takes me almost two hours one way). My interview is at 9 a.m. on July 20th?? A Monday.
I'm still putting out applications even closer than that. Also, I went to see a priest on Monday. He says I am doing all the right things, counseling, church, praying etc.
wish me hope.
poet
Laurie, thanks for the encouragement. I feel off the wagon pretty hard this week. I still haven't gotten back to normal, when my mother got bad news about her eye. The dr.s say that her right eye had a stroke in it during her heart operation. It can't be repaired. We all broke down and cried. We are so frustrated with the news.
Feeling very bad for my mom, I txt A ... although an 'up' message. He text me back an 'up' message, telling me he was at a birthday party that D made for him and sent a picture of him and her together. I had to opposing feelings at once.
1.) felt happy that he could share his life with me.
2.) felt very jealous. my face should be there next to his.
a.) angry and bewildered
still friends tell me that they are just friends. I got so sick. It felt like he left me all over again.
I'm tryin to remember what JCJ told me. I still made a fool out of myself...txting maddly to A. I was totally emotional. I hate myself for it. I talked to him the next day and asked if he would accept my apologiezes. He said no apologize necessary and 'no worries'. What is he telling me?
I am staying away again. So far, I'm not sure how to reach my summer end goals.
Hey jojo
I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum, that must have been really shocking news.
This is just my perspective/ interpretation so feel free to ignore me but I wanted to share with you something that helped me.
I read that women talk in layers and indirectly rather than stating exactly what they want, however conversely men are direct and generally say exactly what they mean. When you asked what he was telling you, read what you wrote
He said no apologize necessary and 'no worries'
Take heart from what he says, I would say he meant just that. However if you are feeling anxious about being emotional with him, what I do when I encounter those feelings is to either sit on my hands or type the text and
not send it. Review it in a few hours and see if I am still happy to send it - I would say 99% of the time I delete them. It seems to work for me.
You're so good at setting goals! When I try the picture just seems so big it is hard to know where to start. I am getting better though, and it does help.
Thank you JCJ ... you are wonderful. I think I'm more upset with my behavior than A is at me.
Here I was:
upset with the news about my mom,
went home alone,
I felt sorry for myself because A wasn't there,
missed A, txt him,
felt stress because of work,
took sleeping pills (about 4, still couldn't sleep),
got txt back from A about 3 hrs. later,
still couldn't sleep (but drugged out),
couldn't make any sense of anything,
I lost all sense of reason,
misunderstood his txt message, and cried all night long.
I'm usually very good about what to write, but this time, I lost all control. I feel that I hurt God most of all. I hate when I tell God that I will trust him...then I don't.
The worse thing is after I came to my senses and the drugged- feeing wore off ... I re-read his txt message ... GUESS WHAT? I think it was a compliment. (it was some crazy innuendo that I mis-read) I don't like innuendos and I'm beginning to not like txting.
My mother comforts me by telling me that all of this crazy feeling will fade away and be forgotten. I'm sure that A isn't thinking twice about it, and I don't want to REMIND him by telling him 'I'm sorry again'.
I feel like a stupid-idiot-jerk. OH, correction: big-fat-stupid-idiot-jerk.
Anyway ... you are very encouraging and supportive. I'm finding that my dbing friends are more supportive and understanding than my friends around me. I sometimes have to fight with my friends 'why can't you just encourage me'?
Anyways...I'm taking time off (again) to shape up (again) before I make plans to get together with him.
current status:
1.) still kicking myself
2.) feeling somewhat better, pushing myself, being more positive
3.) joining weight watchers again on Wed.
4.) going to accupuncturist tomorrow.
5.) seeing doctor tomorrow at 5:00
6.) trying to 'feel' good and believe it
7.) looking for a new church...
8.) sat. having friends over. not looking forward to it.
end of summer goal:
1.) one on one time with A, more emotional connection, show independence, feel confident, lose weight, more gym time, lunch, dinner, movies, hang out and watch dvds with A. fun and light=hearted
2.) would like A to seek me out more often. call (what are your plans?, will I see you this week?, call me later., more open)
Dear jojo,
Don't beat yourself up. Build yourself up instead. I like your self-improvement goals. Try to give A space by not contacting as often so it gives him time to miss you and wonder what happened to you. Also, not contacting makes it easier to live your life moment by moment, without missing him too much.
Hugs, PH
Thanks PH,
I've been praying a lot. I feel like I have to take some kind of control (I hate that anxious mood), but I have to trust in God. Feeling better is my first priority, right now.
I wish you and I could go to church together.
I'm calling my friends from church tonight.
Big Hug,
Dear JCJ:
1.) I guess a goal would be to feel better on my own and trust that God will smooth things out.
2.) I still feel anxious and still feel the need to hear from A reinforcing that we're still 'friends'.
3.) I don't like feeling scared and frightened. I want confidence and be 'self-assured'. (tough one for me)
4.) 'No Worries' ... I really want to. I'm trying to trust him. A lot of praying.
5.) Tomorrow AM back to gym. I love the elliptical.
Dear poet,
It was nice of your H to fix the doggie bowl. Sending him a Thank You card would be fine, I think. Just keep it light and write him appropriate words of affirmation.
My H still has some stuff here with me. Sometimes I wonder if it's to mark his territory.
It's great that you're taking care of you and keeping busy taking care of the yard, etc.
I hope you find some people to connect with - perhaps church or a support group. I have met quite a few nice supportive people from my church especially after joining some small groups there.
Take care, PH
Jojo,
Praying a lot and trusting God is healthy. Yes, if you were close, it'd be nice to go to Church together. Have considered joining a small group at Church, especially one that provides support for people going through healing or grief?
Dear Plenty,
Thank you for your kind words. I wish I could communicate more effectively. I guess it is an unconscious belief that people know what's going on with me even tho I'm not communicating it. Sorry. Yes, I have been going to church for a year now. I started back right after the separation. In fact, I am enrolled in a workshop class next weekend to become a Lector for my church. I went to see my priest, Father Tony, last week. And, we talked about my faith, my h and his vocation. He is a very inspiring man. He told me that people can hurt my "skin" but not my soul. I wonder about that.
I didn't send my H a thank you card. I called him and thanked him instead. He said "somebody got there before me because it was all cleaned out." When I told him that I had been the one to clean it out, he was surprised.
Anyway, I have more to report. I have been hurting so badly as of late, and my IC said I was angry last time I saw her. So, I knew I needed to fix poet. I called H yesterday morning and said I needed him to "tell me" that he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me. I was adament about it. And so he did. He said, "I don't love you anymore and I don't want to be with you." Finally, he told me the truth. I was hurt at first, but now I am determined never to call him again.
I am beginning to hate him. I know hate is a strong word, but he has hurt me far too much to think that I could survive without that strong feeling. From the beginning he has been lying to me and I told him yesterday that I'm glad he finally told me the truth, and that he is a liar and a thief, and I hope someday he too will deal with his issues. I don't know if he heard that last part because he has a habit of hanging up on me.
And there is more. He is no longer texting, and he is hardly using his phone at all. This is all new. He has never been a talker, so when he was talking on the phone for an hour a day for the past year, and texting a lot, that's when I realized there must be someone else in the picture, tho he still denies that to this day. I know I'm not supposed to be snooping, and I am not really doing so. I'm merely checking my minutes, and his are on there too. No bother. I don't care anymore.
Father Tony asked if I wanted him back and I said yes. He said he may go talk to him. But in all honesty, I do not believe there is any hope anymore. So, I'm done.
Thanks PH for you words. I will keep an eye on this board as all there is anymore is me and my dog.
hugs,
poet
Dear poet, Just because your H said he doesn't love you anymore and doesn't want to be with you --- doesn't mean it's the truth. He probably doesn't even know his real feelings if he's in MLC. Plus, since he's in confusion now, putting him on the spot to give you an answer, it'd be safer for him to say that.
It isn't over until God says it's over.
Keep working on you in the meantime. You'll need that, no matter what happens to your marriage.
I am glad you thanked him. And try not to hate him - it won't help you. It will only hurt you more.
Keep coming here for encouragement. Take care of you and your dog, ok?
(((poet)))
Dear PH, you are awesome. Who do you look towards for support and encouragement? I read the Bible, but I still need people like you to reinforce my beliefs.
Today I went to a friend that I haven't seen in a year because of a tear in the relationship. I told her that I'd like to reconcile and go forward as friends, again. We talked a bit. She did not hug me 'hello' or 'good-bye', but it was good to see her. Well, it is part of a good healing process for me.
Remembering what Jesus would do is a constant lesson.
I still feel kinda' low and in a cloud, but I'm making the steps for a stronger me. Thanks for your continuing support.
Big hug!
current status:
1.) trying to stay dark
a.) difficult at the holidays
2.) I've been bombarded with hotmail pictures of M & A
a.) I'm wondering when I will ever be important again to him.
3.) Still feel that when he left, noone came to the rescue to save us from the burning building. All friends ran from me and then one turned her back when A came back into her life.
a.) they all said basically to find new friends
gratitude list:
1.) I am happy & grateful for the friends that I have.
a.) The friends that I have made at work are awesome.
2.) I am happy & grateful for the well-being of my parents.
a.) My mother's positive personality and patient bahavior is strong and beautiful. My dad is happy to help guide and fun to share his company. He's showing his appreciation in his old age.
3.) I am happy & grateful for the support group at db.
4.) I am liking this new journey of self-assurance.
a.) I enjoy putting one foot in front of the other.
b.) I have found new caring people.
5.) I am grateful for my new friend, L. She's sweet.
6.) I am grateful that God is with me and knows my heart. I think he is hearing me.
7.) I am so grateful for my determination.
a.) I am determined to stay hopeful.
b.) I am determined to love myself.
8.) I am grateful that I joined the gym.
a.) I saw a couple of my friends there today.
Dear Poet, I read what you wrote to PH. Listen, it's easy to hate and be angry. But maybe you can forgive him and forgive yourself. I remember when A was mean to me and didn't talk to me for 1-1/2 years. I thought he was a jerk, but I tried to understand, and I also knew that I loved him. I still love him. Try to let your H be. Choosing anger and acting in anger will only give him an excuse and more of a reason to leave. Try to act in love. Get the movie 'The Dare' and get the book. Let time go by and build yourself up. It is my mission to build myself up all the time. I want to do what JCJ said...get myself ready for when my husband does return. I'm going to be the best 'me'-strong yet lovable and the kind of wife A needs. Hang in there.
Big Hug
I don't know what is wrong with me. I've been acting & feeling very desperate lately. I'm scaring myself. I think it is the holiday and sadness that we still aren't in a place where I would like. I know things are better, but I have been feeling and doing things that might push him away...I've worked too hard for that to happen. I need prayers.
jojo,
I will pray. Try to remind yourself scripture like Proverbs 15:9 "In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
Nothing happens without God's allowing it to. So rest in this assurance, and God's plans for you are to proseper you, not to harm you, to give you hope and a future... Jeremiah 29:11
Surrender your H and your M to God. He wants you to trust Him and wants to be more important than your H and your M. You'll feel much more peaceful when you surrender.
Jojo, try out counselling, especially with EMDR. I think they can help you process the situation in a healthier way.
Hugs, PH
Hi jojo,
I'm sorry that you are feeling that way, it can be a horrible, lonely feeling. There isn't anything wrong with you, what you are feeling is natural.
((((jojo)))))
Ok, I'm going to take a huge dose of my own medicine now!!!
Something I do that really helps me is to make a positives list. To the outside world the overall picture is not that great for me, people in real life love to point this out to me for some reason as if that is the thing that is going to make me feel better?? (My h lives with another woman and we are selling our house). However, I know deep down what is important and being consistant and making progress (ok slow) is the right thing for me to be doing. Here are a few of my positives.
- H is moving me into my new place - at his suggestion without me asking. In comparison to his past behaviour of not being engaged in helping me one bit even in an emergency with the house.
- H sent me a birthday card and bought me a present (although not sure what it is yet) and signed it 'Hope you have a wonderful day Love H'. Last year he forgot my birthday and was totally disengaged when he found out it had passed. I also have not had a 'love' for a very long time.
Note your progress and see how far you've come. I'd love to hear some of your positives and we can celebrate. It will really help your PMA and keep you motivated.
I am going to my first ever 4th July party on Saturday and I'm excited - being a Brit it isn't the norm for us but I hope you have a wonderful day. Focus on what you have and not what you don't have. You'll find it is more than you think.
J
Dear jojo,
Thank you for writing to me. I wanted to put my two cents in here for you too. Listen, you are right. The reason you are feeling squirly is because it's a holiday weekend. Don't underestimate yourself. You are awesome. You are really awesome. Think of all the strides you made and remember, tomorrow is just another "day." Just like any other day. If you can think of it that way, it will be easier to get through that day. I will pray for you.
PH, thank you so much for writing to me. I have been through several emotions since your post. I believe I was just very angry at the time, but I also think I needed to be. I am becoming very aware that my H does not love me. I need to know that. It's a healthy feeling for me. I know he is messed up. But, I can no longer consider that "my" problem. Poet needs to address her own feelings now. To tell you the truth, my separation anxiety has all but passed since he told me the truth. And ... as you say, just because he said it, doesn't mean he means it. Oh well. To bad, I say. It's just too bad. I can no long "not" take him at his word. I have to trust at some point that this is it...there is no hope for us, and it's his loss. Not mine.
Hugs to all, and have a good *peaceful* grace-filled day tomorrow. Thank you all for your support. JCJ, be good to yourself too, OK?
Hugs,
poet
Hi JCJ!
Part 1
I've just signed in after reading a very disheartening email from a person who I thought was a friend. I wrote to her expressing my sadness. I thought she would understand. Apparently, she didn't. She told me to get over A because she said, 'he got over you a loooooong time ago'. She said that she often asks him if he could get back together with her. She said, 'He always says No, Never again'. Then, she said, 'so move on!'
So....Wow!
My sadness stems from stresses from work, lack of friends around who emotionally support me, stresses from my parents struggle with their health. I am learning not to open up to anyone. Wow! I guess it is a bad thing to miss people and feel sad. I do not like her anymore.
Hi again, Part 2
Now that I got that off my chest! POSITIVES!!!
A started to talk to me again after 1-1/2 years.
He took me out for my birthday last year, including gifts.
He called me at Christmas to wish me a merry one.
He started calling me once a monthish. (that has waned)???
He returns my txt messages.
He answers my calls & talks to me with understanding, and he gives advice (even when I don't ask for it).
He invited me to his cocktail parties.
But I think I over stepped my boundaries this week with him. I regret that. My friend, K, said that he'll get over it. I hope so. I'm too hard on myself. I think I've been doing all this because I've been feeling emotionally weak lately.
I look forward to more positive things.
Let's keep our eye on the brass ring. OK?
(((((JCJ))))))
Thanks PH, I am going to bed now and I will read Proverbs 15:9. I love that.
Surrendering totally has always been difficult for me. However, I do want to trust God with all my heart. I fail everyday.
Have a good night and a happy 4th! I am feeling very grateful for my dbing friends.
Happy 4th of July!
Hello to PH, Jojo and JCJ. Honestly, I kind of like that we (the four or so of us) are a little incognito. I don't have peeps screaming down my throat every time a make one small backsliding step. It's cool, I think. I'm alone today and to tell you the truth, I kind of like that too ... peaceful ... very peaceful with the birds singing and the slight breeze blowing.
First things first, PH. May I be so bold as to ask again (jojo asked this recently) where does your inspiration come from? Who do you talk to? Are you Laurie in another skin? :):):)
Second, I want to validate what you said to jojo. I am a walking example of EMDR therapy. Too much to detail here, but rest assured I was a basket case six months ago. And today, my "separation anxiety" is nearly diminished. (I whisper that with a slight fear that it might return). Although, I go for full days at a time now with no tremors. Most of the time, it's gone.
Third, jojo, I don't know if I mentioned this or not. Probably not. I recently read the book "The Richest Man Who Ever Lived" by Steven K. Scott. And because of that book, I've been reading proverbs now for almost two months. I think some of my healing is based on that activity alone.
I went to see my priest last week, and when I came home, I read 24:14. It states that when we find wise counsel, we will not be cut off if we live rightly. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. My thought was that the priest is my wise counsel. We shall see...
Also, I had another idea. Please tell me (all) what you think of this. When we backslide in our DBing efforts, such as when you, jojo, said you did some things that push him away, why not put it out here, in specifics? That way we'll know exactly what took place. And, we can all collaborate in a productive and possible correction for future behavior? Just a thought. What do you all think?
For instance, I called H this morning, and he didn't answer. But,he called me back. (That was a miracle in itself). I wished him a Happy 4th of July. And he said, "You're making it worse." (His famous last words, which he uses all the time). I said, "How am I making it worse?" He said, "It aggravates the s... out of me when you call." I asked, "By wishing you a Happy Fourth?" He said, "Yes." I said, "I wish you would have a change of heart." He said, "If I call, I call. If I don't I don't. Now, Goodbye." He was agitated that I called him at all, not even to wish him a Happy Fourth. He is so messed up. He has so many issues. He's got a long way to go. I guess I really need to never, ever call him. Funny thing tho, I felt better after I hung up. Weird, huh?
poet
Hi Poet, you 'have' come a long way. You 'do' sound more grounded and at peace with what is happening now and beginning to understand that there is healing time for both of you. I think, one day, your H will understand that. I believe it.
My craziness has been my sadness over the bad news of my mother's health. She just had a bi-pass operation a few weeks back. She is doing well ... but ... during the operation not enough oxygen got to her bad eye that she has been undergoing a lot of operations and treatment. They said she had a stroke in that eye and there wasn't too much more to do with it.
The pain she felt was obvious. She sobbed for a day. My heart broke for her. Sooo ... when I went home (alone), I missed my H. (I think that's normal). I broke down in tears. I txt him a happy note "hope you are still enjoying celebrating your birthday". I now know that I should have just asked for 'reassurance because I was sad due to my mom'.
He sent me back a txt w/pix of him and 'his friend' (woman). They say that they are buddies. He said that she made a birthday party for him that night and he was having fun.
To make a long story short...I told him I was jealous. I had already taken 4 sleeping pills because I wasn't sleeping and my mind was mush. He text me to reassure me that I shouldn't be jealous because she is a great girl. I said that I was, too.
He said ... I know you are, I was married to you. But like they say Variety is the Spice of Life.
Since my mind was mush...I couldn't make any rhyme or reason of what that meant (now I do ... funny how we need clear minds) So I text him back a bunch of nonsense.
I called him the next day to ask him to accept my apologize. He said ... 'no apologize needed and no worries'
Trying to feel better about myself. I thought it would be a good idea to stay dark for awhile. Instead, I emailed him a week later. ugh!
Feeling sentimental, (maybe its the holiday, maybe its all the rain, maybe its stress with work and parents health) I went to an old friend that I hadn't spoken to for a year. I want the past to be in the past and not knowing what the future will bring, I don't want any resentments and grudges. I went to her with forgiveness.
I emailed A (since he is a friend with her, too) & expressed what actions I took and the hope that I had. I never rec'd any response until I text him if he rec'd my email. He simply text back 'yes'. Of course, I didn't let it drop. I text him more.
So, I feel bad that I over stepped my boundaries. I feel that I have been too (emotionally) much for him lately and showing a side of neediness. I hate that about myself. I suppose that everyone slips up during times of weakness.
I'm just not sure how many weeks I have to wait until I have connection with him again. I have been feeling a lot more positive and hopeful. I want to show in my actions that I am strong and self-assured (a goal).
So, that's a lot! I hope you understand all that I wrote.
Poet, I commend you for taking positive steps. I am definitely taking your advice and reading more of my Bible. I feel that God has been quiet lately with me, but I will wait on him. Good work, I applaud all the hard work you've done. Better times are ahead. Let's keep our heart and eyes on that promise. Let's feel it while we believe it!
(((((Poet)))))
Poet,
Happy July 4th to and everyone.
It's OK to backslide. I do it too from time to time, even though not as much anymore. I am better now probably because I have grown a great deal and healed a lot through EMDR.
Glad to hear that you had EMDR too. I love it. It's so quick and effective, isn't it? After I started it, I found so many others who have had it and liked it.
First things first, PH. May I be so bold as to ask again (jojo asked this recently) where does your inspiration come from? Who do you talk to? Are you Laurie in another skin? :):):)
No, I am not Laurie in another skin, not even close to that. Thanks for the compliment. My inspiration comes from fellowship with other Christians (mostly women) who are in the same boat, and a prayer partner who prays for me very regularly and emails me a lot with Bible verses to encourage me. I am also very inspired by Charlyne Cares devotionals, and from joining a Celebrate Recovery program to heal from my hang-ups due to coming from a dysfunctional family.
When we backslide in our DBing efforts, such as when you, jojo, said you did some things that push him away, why not put it out here, in specifics? That way we'll know exactly what took place. And, we can all collaborate in a productive and possible correction for future behavior? Just a thought. What do you all think?
Sure, I may not be able to go into too many specifics as I don't feel comfortable going too deep into personal details. Perhaps, we can share enough to learn from the experience, huh?
It was a baby step that your H answered your phone call. It hurts that he scolded you for calling. Try to let it slide off your back - he didn't have to answer so he has no reason to scold you. It's possibe he was in a lousy mood. Would texting been safer for you to try next time? Or maybe a voicemail or email? BTW, I hardly ever call my H. Usually, I contact him via email or voicemail.
Hugs, PH
Dear jojo,
What's done is done, re: being needy. Try to think of how you would handle the R going forward now.
Regarding how often to contact him, how about every 2 or 3 weeks, send him a joke email with some words of affirmation? E.g. if the joke is teasing someone, you could say that he isn't like that person at all, and proceed to say how you appreciate or respect him for a particular virtue of his.
Hugs & Happy July 4th,
PH
Hi PH and Poet,
I'm glad you said that about not calling your H. I very rarely call A. I mostly txt him when I connect with him. Sometime, I email him. I txt mostly because I don't have email thru my phone.
PH, I tried find and EMDR around here in metrowest, MA area but there wasn't any. Any suggestions?
Re: back sliding. This is the first time I've really felt and known that I've over stepped my boundaries. It's scarey. I have been encouraged by a friend that given space and time he will relax and want to connect with me again. I pray that he knows me well enough.
Thanks for the suggestions!
Dear PH! Happy 4th to you, too!
You have great ideas. I will try that the next time I connect with him.
We are supposed to get together to do something for his birthday. The summer will be almost over by the time we talk again. I'll see how I feel in two weeks. Then I will reevaluate myself and see.
Where do you get the jokes from?
CURRENT STATUS:
1.) it's amazing, today I actually felt happy. I didn't expect it. It's my day off and I had a great day.
a.) still got up late, but it wasn't so bad today to push myself.
2.) I talked to an old friend.
3.) went to parents and sat with them by their pool. (nice day finally)
4.) called friends from work and we all got together after they got out at another associates house. (so much fun laughing with them)
5.) hopefully, my confidence will grow stronger that I will feel self-assured and not nervous about what people might think or say about this situation. I don't want to show sadness. I want to walk with confidence.
PH, I tried find and EMDR around here in metrowest, MA area but there wasn't any. Any suggestions?
jojo, You can check out
http://emdria.org which is the website for the institute of EMDR. There's a page (
locate therapist link ) that searches for therapists if you enter your zip code. Get a few names and then call each one of the ones you selected to and chat to them about your situation to see if they can help you. I looked for those with a Psych PhD and who were EMDR consultants.
I get my jokes from people who send them to me. I don't get many and pick those that are not religious, and which I feel are safe to send to my H. Light-hearted funny ones. You know our H best so you're the best person to decide. Also, pray about it before you decide to send something. Pray for God to give ou the right words to write.
Hugs, PH
PH, Hi! right now I feel that any words from me is too much.
I feel better, but my mind goes into fear once in a while.
1.) he'll listen to a friend (? not really one to me) who exaggerates the truth. I can't trust her. I'm afraid she will tell him about the days I was sad for him.
I'm afraid that he will find out what my ultimate goals are and push me away ... again. I'm doing better, but I have to stay away from her and him for awhile.
One friend said that he knows her craziness and knows me better. He still will look for me regardless. I hope so.
Hi PH, I found one in the town where I live.
I'm not sure what EMDR stands for though.
Thanks, Jo
jojo, It makes sense to stay away from those who are not going to jeopardize your situation. BTW, EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitisaion and Re-processing. The counselor will be able to explain more about it. It's a very simple techinique and enjoyable - that causes your brain to re-process painful memories in a normal way to reduce.elimintae the negative impact they have on you. It helps your brain process situations normally instead of skewed due to influence from the past.
Hi PH, hmmmm. That sounds interesting. Oh ... I did find a counselor in the same town where I live. I am going to call tomorrow. I'm excited. So ... does that mean i don't have to talk. That would be the best!
Did I tell you that I have even tried accupunction? I'm not sure if it is helping, but I'll take it. I am also going to a wonderful hypnotist once a week. At first I went to her to try to lose weight, since I've gained about 20 lbs. since A left. However, since we started to concentrate on healing and feeling better. I have actually lost 6 lbs.
I've been going to the gym 2-3 times a week. I even started to try to overcome my 'I can't do it' attitude with jogging.
I've been enjoying more. I'm happy with that. I'm looking forward to the process of healing. And ... today, I called a friend from work that I've been wanting to get closer to. So, it took her giving her notice that forced me to call her. She even lives right in my town.
What else, my sister-in-law (brother's wife) said that she wants to take a nutrition class and asked me if I wanted to join her. I will; it sounds interesting.
I am going to give myself a good 'feel-better' chance before I contact A. I have to do this for me. I am looking forward to being and getting stronger.
Thank you so much for your input and sharing with 'us' your inner strength and beauty. It is very much appreciated and enveloped. (((((PH)))))!!!!
Big Hug!
Hi jojo, Well, you will have to talk - sorry! To give them your history so they can see how to help. And they will talk to you and ask you questions after each round of EMDR - there are multiple during 1 session, each round only last a couple of minutes. Thy will ask you what you were thinking during the EMDR and how you feel. All very simple and painless and relaxing. Everyone's whom I have talked to who has done this really loved it.
(((jojo))) Thanks for your kind words.
There is a LOT of (((( of this )))) going on - what neat and sweet people on this thread!!
JoJo, I like your focus: "I am going to give myself a good 'feel-better' chance before I contact A. I have to do this for me. I am looking forward to being and getting stronger".
BTW, it sounds as if you are making progress in that direction, as your list on the 5th seems to say.
I really wanted to write so I could give some (((((hugs))))) too! A pretty bad storm is coming right now, so I will be back. Take care, Laurie
Current Status:
1.) Today, I felt very liberated and free. I was happy to be back to work and see everyone.
2.) I have been feeling more joy and good about being positive.
3.) I have been thinking about how I can balance keeping my mother company and not feeling bad about getting my space back to develop this feeling of independence.
4.) Started to feel sad by the end of the day. Started to feel a little paniced with lack of hope and feelings of pessimism re: A. (I can't stand when I feel like that).
5.) Tried to talk to myself out of it by thinking of my goals I have for myself and trying to achieve them while I am going dark (again).
6.) Thinking about developing knew relationships with new and healthy people and trusting that A will look for me regardless. I hope!
L.O.L.!!!! Laurie ... you are so funny and cute ... you make me smile. (((((LAURIE)))))
How about (((((Group)))))
current status:
1.) I don't know why I am having very negative feelings again.
2.) I have had an emotional slide over the last few days.
3.) Things don't feel like they have moved forward very much since January. It seems like every six months, I get a little social crumb from A.
4.) Bad repercussions have happened in the last week. That is what I get for trying to be a good Christian. Certain people have made a mockery out of my trying to be forgiving and kind. I feel like a fool.
5.) My mother (my best advocate) told me to forget about the people who I thought were my friends because the people who really know me know that I am more geniune then they are trying to make me be. I'm sad.
6.) Leaving the gym and waiting to turn at the intersection, I saw A driving by, he saw my car and me but did not wave. It felt strange.
a.) I txt him: Hey...I just saw you!!!
b.) He txt (right) back: I thought that was you...
I left it at that because I am 'going dark' plus he didn't invite anything else.
7.) I want (so much) to feel better and more positive. I felt angry at him and sorry for myself for believing in him today. Today, I felt a regret for the world that he opened up to me. Today, I felt empty and I wish I could rewind the last seven years. The only thing I would change is to tell him 'I don't'...'No thank you'...and walk away. The pain is too great.
8.) I want very much to heal and forget. People think I am nuts because I do not date they think I am abnormal. I want to disappear when they judge me. I am getting angry at the world.
Prayer:
Lead me from death to life,
from falsehood to truth.
Lead me from despair to hope,
from fear to trust.
Lead me from hate to love,
from war to peace.
Let peace fill my heart,
my world, my universe.
Amen.
4.) Bad repercussions have happened in the last week. That is what I get for trying to be a good Christian. Certain people have made a mockery out of my trying to be forgiving and kind. I feel like a fool.
Hey kiddo, your efforts are for God, not for people. If He sees your forgiveness and kindness to others, even though they reject it, He is pleased. And that's a good thing, right?
Lead me from despair to hope, from fear to trust.
This is my prayer for you, JoJo. Especially at 1:11 today.
Thank you Laurie! It is so amazing how close I feel to the ones on this site and I haven't even met anyone (in person) ... I am grateful for everyone's kindness and goodness and understanding.1.) I think I'm feeling better. I have been quiet, but my energy level has been getting stronger.
2.) Today was and is a beautiful summers day. I've been doing yard work...putting my faux cobblestone walkway on my lawn from my driveway to my front walkway (very cottage, w/a contemporary twist. I would describe my house's interior and exterior as New England cottage meets Alice in Wonderland in 2009.
3.) I have been trying madly to trust in God. I've been trying to keep my mind and my feelings focused. It seems a little better this week. I'm very disappointed in people that I used to believe that I could trust. I am getting over it. My mother has been a great cheer leader.
4.) My parents came over to my house today and visted me on my porch. It was very nice to sit with them and drink Ice Tea and listen to the radio.
ps as I read my post I noticed the time said, 'posted 1 minute and 11 seconds ago'. hmmmm. See God is smiling, too.
This Month's Goals:
1.) Continue to go dark. (visualizing the future when I won't have to go dark as much...nice!)
2.) Still working on myself.
a.) emotional strength
b.) beauty (spiritual, emotional, physical)
3.) Read more of God's Promises. (makes me feel good)
4.) Think and feel more positively.
5.) Challenge myself to continue jogging (less walking and more jogging).
6.) sign up for classes for the Fall...(did I say Fall?...ick)
7.) making a plan to re-connect with A on the 7/23 (I'll see how I feel) hoping he will call me...try not to get hopes up too high. Want to take care of myself.
Current Status:
1.) Still going dark.
a.) Do not like it.
b.) Without any solicitation, people tell me to forget about A and move on. I get more of that than encouragement. It is apparent to them.
c.) However, without any solicitation, one friend told me that after three years, his brother-in-law's wife wants to come back. He told me that she just left for no reason and she hardly spoke to him. Now she wants to return. There is hope.
2.) Major PMS.
3.) Went to the gym yesterday and was hoping to feel better. No magic.
4.) Not sleepig too well.
5.) I want to be more positive and feel more positive. It's difficult.
6.) I'm wondering about when and how to connect with A. I made three weeks a goal to touch base, but I'm not sure how I feel. I'm always wishing and hoping that he will call me before I call him.
7.) Thinking about why re-connecting is so difficult.
8.) Wondering if he ever misses me. Wondering if he would ever want to hang out with me, but he feels that he can't because he's afraid of how I might feel.
9.) I sometimes want to ask him if he enjoys my company and what do people usually do to connect with him. Because I can't seem to accomplish it.
10.) I feel that 'this' (connecting for a brief second via txt, going to his cocktail party once every six months, and going dark)is going down another cheeseless tunnel.
current status:
1.) feeling sad
2.) trying to talk myself into thinking and feeling positively
3.) trying very hard to feel hopeful
4.) there hasn't really been and real connection or progress for a very long time
5.) I have beem praying a lot.
6.) I'm not sure how to proceed.
Goal: I need to see A pursue me, but time is flying by and others have been nurturing their connection with him and he with them. I miss him.
Dear JJ,
I am travelling, but am checking on you.
You do not feel right about initiating contact with A. Is that because you believe the outcome would be negative? Or, you are not in a good place to make that contact?
It seemed as if your past attempts to touch base with him have been fairly positive. If that would more likely be the outcome, I would encourage to rethink this. But, as you know, your decision to stay dark a while longer may be wise, if you believe he'd not respond well.
I want to give you a super big, big, big, big ((((((((((((hug)))))))))))) today dear JJ!
Hi JCJ, how is everything going for you? How was your first 4th?
It's been since the beginning of June since I've seen A at his little cocktail party. I feel cut off again, and I prefer not to chase him. Even though, I touch base with him every 2-3 weeks ... I still feel like I'm chasing him because his circle of friends tell him (watch out ... she wants you).
I know that his life isn't as social and exiting as he makes it out to be. He would never admit to me that his life is just as plain as mine is.
My goal would be to have more interaction than what it is now.
Hi Laurie: Thanks for checking in. Hope you are having a good time.
I'm not sure what I am going to do. When I go dark and he doesn't call, I usually feel worse...angry, upset, disappointed. I don't know anymore what is better for the relationship. My calling him doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere...it just usually frustrates me because it is such a short visit after 2-3 weeks of quiet. I want so much more.
When he doesn't look for me, I usually get fearful. My mind goes to those places that won't help me. I don't even want to start thinking about those places and those worries.
Yes, he has responded positively, but I want to try something different and I'm not sure what.
I thought of joking about how much fun it was at his birthday party that E had for him. We had a great time! But that would probably seem sarcastic.
I do know that I want to do more things in my life so I have more to talk about with him and other people.
And my birthday is coming and I am afraid that my calling him will pressure him and I do want to see if he will remember me on his own. Now, I am not sure why he invited me to his condo the beginning of June. I don't know how to connect with him as other people do because I fear that he will feel afraid of my every breath...'she wants me'.
I feel more stuck because I don't know what to do. I have been seeing a lot of 1:11's though ... but I tell God 'big deal' ... I read the promises, but I feel that there is something I am lacking. I tell God, 'I know that you can do this'.
To tell you the truth, I really don't know what to believe that would be the right thing to accomplish my summer goals.
Biggest Hug Back to You!!! ((((((((((Laurie))))))))))
Hi jojo
My first 4th July was great thanks
lots of fun.
Everything is ok for me. I have just moved house and am enjoying my new area and being back in London again. Being away from our marital home is helping me not to be reminded of everything all the time, however I do still miss h - a lot.
I sense a lot of fear in your posts jojo. Are you scared of pushing him away? I decided a few weeks ago to be a friend and do what a friend would do and that has meant several contacts per week at the moment. Some on his part, some on mine. I have been feeling the fear and doing it anyway
If something backfires, I will just back off again.
I'm going to push you on your goals a bit...
This Month's Goals:
1.) Continue to go dark. (visualizing the future when I won't have to go dark as much...nice!)- what will be happening when you are no longer dark - what will A be doing and what will you be doing. How are you going to come out of the dark?
2.) Still working on myself.- by doing what?
a.) emotional strength- how are you going to gain more emotional strength? I get mine from keeping busy, not focusing too much on h (my PMA goes way down when I do this). When I do focus on h I focus on all the positive strides I make. Making a new life for myself so that if h doesn't decide to come back I will be ok.
b.) beauty (spiritual, emotional, physical)- What are you doing to achieve this? - going for facials? Having pampering time? I am in the midst of decorating my bedroom with gorgeous flower fairy lights. It looks very girly and gorgeous
3.) Read more of God's Promises. (makes me feel good)4.) Think and feel more positively.- what are you going to do to think more positivly
5.) Challenge myself to continue jogging (less walking and more jogging).- I'm going to take up jogging but I need help with motivation. Fancey being my jogging motivational buddy? I am going out on Saturday morning for my first run. If I don't report that I have done it - tell me off
6.) sign up for classes for the Fall...(did I say Fall?...ick)- if you sign up for classes and they are fun and exciting it might help with the icky feeling. What kind of thing are you looking to do?
7.) making a plan to re-connect with A on the 7/23 (I'll see how I feel) hoping he will call me...try not to get hopes up too high. Want to take care of myself.- why the 23rd? Do you have a reason? I find with my h that if I ask a direct question 'hiya, do you have an address for so-and-so? BTW how are you? How's thing's?' it works better and also protects your heart a little from being hurt.
(((jojo)))
Dear JCJ: You are awesome! You are such an encouraging spirit.
My brother-in-law (A's brother) lives in Bristol. I have never been to the U.K., although I have seen it in my books in school. I studied architecture / arch history. I was hoping to go to visit my b-i-l soon, but my plans have now are to go to California with my parents to visit my family out there. Some day I will get to Europe. I am getting my pass port as we speak.
Answer 1: A will be pursuing more and I will be involved developing my life with my friends and interests. We will both have our own identity, but come together and enjoy each other's company. Coming out of the dark depends on A. I'm still testing where my boundaries are with him.
Answer 2: I have been going to the gym, going to a hypnotist and an acupunctur(ist?) and a Dr. to have more motivation and enery ... feel better about my 'own' life with or without A.
Answer 3: developing being more self-assured. focusing on confidence (keeping a journal of accomplishments) I get a mani/pedicure once a month. I also get my hair cut once a month. I've lost 8 lbs. I eat better. Putting my cobblestone front walk in by myself. Bought new clothes. And I make plans with my friends, and I am cultivating new friends.
Answer 4: Reading the Bible, being around positive people, having reminders around to help me feel grateful, catching myself when I want to say something negative and switch to more positive thoughts and feelings.
Answer 5: Jogging is interesting. I feel silly, but I made a goal to make it around the block without stopping to walk. So far, still doing both.
Answer 6: I am probably going to go back to school to further my career. Although, my sister-in-law wants to take a nutritional cooking class.
Answer 7: Well, a three week going dark period is what 'the best ever dbing counsellor' and I developed a while ago to give A a chance to pursue me and be able to feel less panicked. Then I wanted to take some risks with him, but I'm not clear if that got our R anywhere. He has been pretty positive whenever I have contacted him, but just when I t hink we are going to finally turn a R corner, we take 3 steps back. All I know is that I have to have a light-hearted spirit when I talk to him. I am getting there...
Still, the whole thing boggles my mind. I still can't understand some of his (A's ) decisions and the people he hangs out with. July 31 is my birthday. I was hoping for so much more by then. Maybe he senses something. Why he shows up, shows a desire to connect, and then disappears drives me nuts. I am wondering if he is working on his emotional connection or if he prefers to remain safe discarding the ones he has an emotional bond with.
Anyway ... stay well, stay beautiful, Big Hug!
Current Status:
1.) Contacted A today via text message.
a.) I think it was neutral (not sure)... at least he txt me back. It seemed like the minimum though.
Me: Hi...! How are you?
A: I'm doing great, thanks? (he didn't say 'how are you'. I was sad about that.)
Me: Are you busy?
A: I'm working. (I said, hmmmm? I hate texting)
Me: Selling lots?
A: I'm selling hardly anything.
I left it at that. I have this terrible feeling that there has been negative repercussions because of my actions.
I want to ask him what is happening. It seemed as though he was going to include me in his world more often and connect with me, but now he seems very distant. I'm not sure what to do any more. I'm afraid that if I didn't contact him, he would not look for me anymore.
I'm not sure about this going dark stuff anymore. It doesn't seem to have the outcome that is leading us anywhere.
I have a terrible feeling about this.
Maybe ... I should be straight with him, and just ask him how I should go about connecting with him more often?
Maybe... A, how do I go about having more of a friendly connection with you? ...
maybe that would be 180 or is he expecting that?
today, I had to go to my psycologist. I only go to him for him to prescribe my anti-depressants. Today, he told me that it was obvious that A isn't going to ever come back or want anything more with me. See what I mean ... so I sit there and be quiet. When I told my friend, J, what happened at the office, he told me 'it's not over yet'. See ... now that is encouragment.
Hi ... when did you say you were coming back? I suppose we should have talked about who would be an 'alternate Laurie' while you were gone.
I'm not feeling too sure of myself, and I'm not feeling too positive from the last little text connect we had. Being the fact that it will be my birthday at the end of this week, I'm not feeling very hopeful toward achieving my goals.
I don't understand where I went wrong. He was calling me more often a year ago last Spring. Then he took me out for my birthday last year. Last Fall, he was calling me about every three weeks. Did I overwhelm him?
I need to know what steps I can take to get back on track. These little text messages are not good anymore. I'm worried that he won't contact me on my birthday. i really thought we'd be doing something and connecting more often by now. what happened?
Current Status:
1.) Feeling good about my life.
a.) Going to gym
b.) Eating better
c.) Going out with friends after work...laughing
d.) Getting great feed back from everyone
e.) lost weight
f.) making plans to sell house and buy condo
g.) making plans to go back to school & travel
h.) going to California soon to visit family
i.) remembering God always, tryiing to remain focused on him
2.) But... I'm anxious about the regression in R with A
a.) My birthday is coming up and feeling that he is distancing
b.) I'm asking myself, 'what if he doesn't contact me on my birthday'. I can't believe he wouldn't, but this feeling makes me want to pursue him more. I haven't since the brief texting a few days ago.
updated and simplified letter:
Hey ... A ... I was wondering ... if you could give me a small hint on how someone goes about having a friendly connection with you...because I honestly would like to learn some pointers.
I know we are both happy and busy with our lives right now and the new friends that we have made...but...I think that it would be really nice to share some time hanging out and having plain fun with you . . . I simply enjoy your company . . . and I think that's a good thing...thats all.
too threatening?
Current Status:
Something happened between June 6 and the end of June that changed. Around June 6, A came forward toward me a little bit more, so I, with excitement and delight, jumped forward toward him.
I'm very concerned about this.
Hi jojo,
Are you thinking about sending the letter or is it just for you? For me, actions win over words anytime - especially with guys. Try things out, different ways of communicating. Brainstorm some ideas here.
Don't take things personally. It is probably not down to you that he is not being very forthcoming at the moment. You are not pursuing as far as I can tell from here. It may be unrelated to you, he may be stressed at work, other things may be going on. Who knows?
It was positive that he responded to your texts. From my point of view you could have carried on that conversation as it was 'working'. What made you 'back off'?
When he was in more contact, were you doing anything differently to now?
Hi JCJ: Thanks for your encouragement ... I wish I could think like you do.
As far as the letter goes, I wish I could mail it to him and my fantasy is that it would magically work. (He has always appreciated my notes and letters when we were married, but sometimes they worked and sometimes, I just got a 'thank you'.)
I guess, I'm not sure what my 'actions' should be because I don't want to scare him away. I think he scares me so much because when he left me, I didn't hear from him (in a social manner) for 1-1/2 years. I don't want to go through that again.
As far as texting him, I keep it short and sweet. My goal is to only be light-hearted and fun. And...I had to go to work.
When he was pursuing/calling me, nothing was really different. I'm just as busy, but I am happier now than 6 months ago.
Why can't I just say 'A...I miss you...when can we get married again?'
(that would go over reeeeally well...hmmm)
So J ... you are so good to me and so sweet. I have read a lot of books (too many...they get me all anxious sometimes). I recently read a book about flirting. I stink at that. As far as my life is going, I'm making some really solid personal goals. I'm pleased with myself. I have also enjoyed my friends from work.
My goal would to be to get my point across to 'A' that everything is not 'black and white' to me. I have this feeling that 'A' thinks that every move he makes toward me means 'he wants to move back'...but...I'm a big girl...I'd like to show him that I have new friends and a life, and I can enjoy time with him, as well. I just don't know how to do that...
So, it's my day off...tomorrow, too. I got my nails done, I had lunch with my Mom, the sun is out and toasty here in New England, we are going to sit by the pool, and we are going to plan what I am serving at my bbq on Friday...my birthday. Tomorrow, I'm going to finish with a pedicure, go to the garden shop, and go out to dinner with family for my parents anniversary. I wish I could send you pictures.
Are you jogging????
I'm sending you a Huge ((((((HUG)))))) across the lake. Thank you for being wonderful!!!
Hi JCJ: I was just thinking about your last note. I'm not sure about any other ideas to communicate with him.
1.) His status about his selling his condo.
2.) Ask him about photos he might have that I can copy.
3.) Sell my bed that he has in his condo.
4.) Ask him if he wants to stop by to see my new counter in my kitchen ????
5.) Give him his CDs that I have.
6.) Have a cocktail party and invite him? (that would mirror his actions) That sounds pretty good...maybe next week.
7.) How 'bout give him a knock upside the head & when he comes to, he'll forget about this D stuff (just joking...ahhh, sometimes, I can have a good time all by myself)
8.) I've always wanted to bring him something that I baked or cooked.
9.) Ask him some advice.
10.) Encourage him about his work??? He knows that I'm his best advocate and cheerleader, but that doesn't seem to work. I tell him that I appreciate him and respect him and admire him, but he's not here now. ?????
Hi jojo
So, if I am understanding correctly, you are worried that by contacting him it will make him think you want him back thus push him away?
I think it is all about the right kind of contact. I'm obviously no expert but my suggestion would be, why don't you do the things that are on your list that are practical, not pursuing, and show him that you are getting on with your life and be happy, upbeat and fabulous and a woman only a fool would leave to coin 25yearsmlc's term (I love that one!!).
I would suggest
3.) Sell my bed that he has in his condo.
5.) Give him his CDs that I have.
Use these as a starting point, keep it clear that these are your intentions and you have no ulterior motives and that may open up more communication where you can build in things like
8.) I've always wanted to bring him something that I baked or cooked.
9.) Ask him some advice.
10.) Encourage him about his work???
What are your thoughts?
Edit: I would also add in response to this
When he was pursuing/calling me, nothing was really different. I'm just as busy, but I am happier now than 6 months ago.
It sounds like it is not anything you have done in that case, don't beat yourself up or take it personally and definitely don't let it throw you off track, you may just have to make some readjustments to your strategy that's all.
(((jojo)))
Dear JCJ:
So, today getting my pedicure and in a good mood, I thought, what the heck...just encourage him...so I text him a light note:Sending out lots of good CHI for you for your week's sales. $$$ jojoNo response. When I don't get a response from him, I feel like a Boogie Man. That drives me crazy because then I hate myself for encouraging him. I think that he is thinking ... she wants me ... I know that I don't contact him very much and when I do, it is simple.
But I feel like I am taking several steps back because I have done all that stuff of communicating with him with non-personal stuff. It's frustrating. I thought that we got to a point when he was inviting me to his place for a friendy cocktail party that he was extending his hand for me to extend my hand back in the same way.
As soon as I step in from the outer limits where he has pushed me, I feel that I scare him away. I guess that I am tired of feeling like a terrible Boogie man, when i know that I am not. I don't deserve to feel like this. I know that I can have just as much fun with him and good times with him and laughter than all of his old friends and new friends are having with him. I think that he is 'a fool'.
I know that you know that this is very hard. I am very confused and tired of measuring myself. It's not like stepping on eggshells. It's like I am stepping on sharp glass chards. Thanks... Big Hug Back!
Dear Laurie:
It's my birthday. I was going to have my family over for a bbq tonight, but I postponed it because I know that I could not handle it if I did not hear from A.
Tonight my friends are taking me out. I somehow feel better with my friends.
No word from A ... so I tell myself it is the last day of the month ad the busiest day of the month for car sales. Also, I hven't heard from E. Remember her drama? I suppose this is another way of getting me back. I don't really care about her craziness. I care about what happened between A and Me that distanced him. Remember, last year, he took me out on my birthday and gave me gifts plus a beautiful card. This year, something happened that pushed him away.
Laurie, history tells me not to believe A's words. I used to ask him if everything was ok with him? He used to tell me that everyting was fine. I believed him.. Just to find out, that it wasn't. To me, that was my major problem with him. I never really knew when to trust his word. i usually would find out in another manner that something was wrong.
Usuaully, when I ask him initially, I believe/d him. Laurie, what is my game plan?
Laurie: My roommate, V, and I had a great heart to heart conversation. I feel much better about him, but I believe he is moving out the beginning of September.
Tonight, V, came home from work and asked me if A called me today to wish me a happy birthday. I told him 'no'. V was surprised that he didn't contact me. V said, 'I thought that he told you that he wanted to be your friend, too.'
I told him, 'I thought so, too.'.
V said to me, 'this is not how a friend should act.' I told him that all my friends contacted me today or sent me a card except A.
A knows it's my birthday. The message he is sending is not good. I don't understnd why he has played with my head. This emotional roller coaster ride is infintile. He messes with my head.
How do I think positively when stuff like this happens?
Hi Laurie: So, this morning I went to check my regular messages. Couldn't sleep! I got a very lame email from A:
I want you (have) a wonderful birthday. I want all your dreams to come (through). Much happiness form your friend and ex husband.... Cheers! A
Compared to last year this email seemed more like a message than a birthday sentiment. I don't feel that we are friends and I expressed that to him in a direct yet thoughtful way (like usual).
I told him basically that my 'dreams' are for us to become more as friends than ex's because i don't feel that he trusts me enough to be my friend. And his typos prove how rushed he was to send it out. It almost doesn't sound like his writing. The whole thing makes me feel cheep and more like an ex. I felt like writing that I'm not stupid. I know what we are. Only his ex means freedom and my ex means failure.
Dear Laurie: What A said in his message was:
I want you have a wonderful 46th birthday....etc. That is what got to me the most. The reason why it upsets me is because he never knew my real age. I was always embarrassed that I was 9 years older than he is because I thought he wouldn't marry me or stay with me being so many years older. So, I kept my birthdate as a private one to myself, but I lied to everyone around me just so they would not be suspicious.
I always told A that I was 5 years older than he was. I guess to me that seemed reasonable. So, when I rec'd that email, it seemed he was telling me something more than wishing me a good sentiment.
I emailed him back asking him where he rec'd that information. he wrote back telling me he got it from public records of registry of motor vehicles. Why now? What or who was his motivation to looking up my personal records?
I am very suspicious because that is what his good and 'great girl' D does for his business. She is the one who transmits all the RMV information to the RMV/MA. why would he go out of his way to look up this information. it was very hurtful!
Hi Laurie: I am starting off the day still very upset with A's actions. I still want to know what his motivation was to look up my personal information. I found out that personal information is not given out by the RMV. What he did is illegal. I would like to know from him 'what his intentions were by sending me that b'day message'. 'what message was he trying to send to me?'
Current Status:
1.) maybe feeling really angry has given me a sense of liberation.
a.) I almost don't care anymore (very unlike me...is that doing a 180?)
b.) I feel so angry that bitterness has started to take over.
c.) I am the distant one...without feeling bad about it.
2.) all of this is so disappointing to me
3.) one positive is that I feel more authentic to myself. I feel more free to express my needs and not apologize for it.
What he did, I personally believe, was hurtful. The way he uses his magic act in order to communicate with me has always been his M.O. That, the way he communicates with me has to change. Another Goal.
Too many goals are not being met with any substance. We have seemed to touch the border line, I get ready to move forward, and he regresses. This time, it seems like a slippery slope.
What now? Anger, resentment, and bitterness?
Current Status:
1.) Still angry. Wondering if what he did to me, he would do to his dear friend, Mm. She never reveals her age to anyone, but we all suspect that she is in her mid-50s. I don't think he would embarrass her like he did to me.
2.) I am not sure where to go from here. I can't believe that I feel worse off in my R with A than I did one year ago.
3.) I am so 'flippin' mad. What was his point? I think it was so mean. Does he want to be mean? Does he want me to react? What?
Goal:
1.) When A comes forward to invite me into his life, I would very much like it if he could stay at this place for awhile (where it is obviously uncomfortable for him), and when he retreats, not to retreat so distantly.
a.) There must be something I can do or stop doing to help him feel more comfortable to stay there longer.
Current Status:
Think, Thank, Thunk!!!
1.) Sadness sets in because again I find myself climbing up the mountain jsut wanting to get to the other side. Hopelessness prevails.
I forget, what have we accomplished? What goals did I achieve? I'm not sure anymore.
Current Status:
1.) Thinking about how A likes to get a rise out of people. (his M.O.) I always fall for it. I react. (my M.O.) Doing a 180 would be if I ignored him. Tough for me because usually it is hurtful.
Current Status:
1.) For the first time, I am praying to God to help me be forgiving and to not let my heart become bitter and hard.
2.) For the first time, I feel that I deserve an apology.
3.) I re-read my posts and know that I react to A's button pushing, but I do it in a measured fashion. I almost never say what I 'really' want to say. I never tell him where to go, 'too risky'. Sometimes, I wish that I could. I guess, I have spent so many years waiting to react that I often internalize.
4.) I suspect that A wouldn't go out of his way to look up personal information about me. Why would he? I really believe that this information came from D, his cohort in crime. I do not trust her.
5.) I suspect that A must feel so guilty now that I probably will never hear from him again for any social occasion.
6.) I would never share with anyone A's most personal secrets. I would never embarrass him.
Current Status:
1.) Very tired because I had the late shift today.
2.) I'm feeling very good about myself lately...maybe that's what boundary setting does for me.
3.) Remebering when I set a limit with A and confronted him directly, strongly, yet not harshly, he always had a good response back to me.
a.) I guess, I'm disappointed in him. (You, too, Brutus?) I, also, can't help but not like D. I know she is involved. If she is, her future behavior in her R with A will not be a good one. I think I will let her sink her own ship.
4.) I think in a few weeks (after, yet, another has passed) maybe I will ask him to lunch or over to my house for some cocktails or meet for cocktails. I don't know.
5.) but i do feel more confident. that is good.
Lauuuuu-rieeeeee! Where aaaaaaare youuuuuu? (like my mother says: 'yoo-who'.
sleep tight. sleep with the angels!
I am hereeeeeee.....
Dear JJ,
I have been thinking about you. And, as I read "Boundaries", it shares that forgiving is different than reconciliation. It says that "forgiveness is something that we do in our hearts. We write off that person's debt that they owe us. Only one party is needed for forgiveness: me. The person who owes me a debt does ont have to ask my forgiveness. It is a work of grace in my heart."
And..we do not always achieve reconciliation. "God forgave the world, but the whole world is not reconciled to him. Forgiveness takes one; reconciliation takes two.
Just some thoughts for you...hug..hug...hug...
Laurie:
Current Status:
1.) I am feeling better and better about myself. Yes, that is a goal that I have been achieving, but my motive was to gain back a R with A.
2.) I am enjoying myself more while I wait to try to figure out works and doesn't work with A.
a.) I am not concerned about the amount of time; even though, the rest of the world is.
b.) I'd like to review what has worked and what hasn't worked.
3.) I am constantly amazed that everytime he talks to me, I believe his words always. He disappoints me.
4.) I'm tired of ignoring what bothers me about him. To simply address the issues in a short and sweet manner, I think would be a good thing for me.
Goals:
1.) want to see him initiate again.
2.) change my pattern when he does come to the door again.
3.) I don't want to be afraid to invite him to 'something' (lunch, cocktails)
4.) There are a few things that I would like from him that he has. (example: sell furniture that he has, copy of pictures)
In the meantime, I love my friends, I love my personal goals, I am losiing weight, eating better, getting exercise, feel loved, and feel blessed. I still miss him.
Dear JJ,
I really liked 2a! Yes, the rest of the world has expectations of what "should" be, doesn't it?
And...have we talked much about the "Boundaries" book by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend? I can't remember...
Good night hugs!
Hiiiii L: I have the Boundaries book. I haven't read too much of it because I am fearful that it will talk me out of wanting to be reconciled with my husband. I just don't know how to set the boundaries with him and communicate it with him. Funny though, A seems to respond well when I do set my boundaries (in a good way) with him. Hmmmm.
big hug, Jojo
re: reconciliation. That makes me very sad, but I really believe that God hates divorce. Are you saying that there isn't any hope for me and A?
And..we do not always achieve reconciliation. "God forgave the world, but the whole world is not reconciled to him. Forgiveness takes one; reconciliation takes two.
So...that doesn't encourage me. Very sad.
And..we do not always achieve reconciliation. "God forgave the world, but the whole world is not reconciled to him. Forgiveness takes one; reconciliation takes two.
That makes me very sad. I really believe that God hates divorce. I want to have hope.
Dear JJ,
My intention was to bring to you encouragement about the meaning of forgiveness. That your desire to work through forgiving A is totally within your power - because it is between God and you only. It is an "inside" effort that does not depend on A's reactions. I was hoping that would be an uplifting idea.
And regarding reconciliation, it does take two people. That is what has been your focus all along and what you have worked for and accomplished. I know you want to take more steps in that road of reconciliation, but you have made much progress and have achieved a clear level of reconciliation!
Regarding these words:
And..we do not always achieve reconciliation. "God forgave the world, but the whole world is not reconciled to him
My attempt was to offer the comfort that God understands your love for A and your pursuit of reconciliation, as God also loves and pursues in order to reconcile. He totally understands your love and commitment, as He is also so committed. JJ, I now realize that did not translate as I had intended - I am sorry.
Dear JJ, big hugs to you (and your mom),
Laurie
Thank you, my dear Laurie, for elaborating. I don't do well with brief text.
I have decided to enjoy my life with what I have in front of (right now). I think that I can now, at the same time, I wait. I hope that by doing this I will have so much to offer everyone involved.
People have noticed a change in me. I feel a personal corner has been turned.
Thank you for being one of the most sweetest & loving people I know. Big Hug back to you, xxoo
Current Status:
It's amazing how my mood can drop so quickly. I'm not sure how I am going to proceed with my goals with A. I feel very stagnant. I really feel that D is another person in A's life who has a negative influence on him. He thinks that she is wonderful. I think that she is another devious one...I'm not sure...just a feeling.
I have a fever tonight. It is Friday night, and I am very down. I want to build on my social r with A. I'd like to have some substantial goals that I feel will will nudge the R forward.
Current Status:
Last night, I wrote a long letter to A, as if I was going to send it to him. Because it is coming up to three years since he left, the letter was about what happened in my life due to his actions.
(within a 6 months period)
1.) A got a new job. (1st transition)
2.) We sold our condo.
3.) packed our house up into boxes. (three years of our life in boxes or given away)
4.) research towns to live in
5.) I looked for new job where I could advance my goals and also be around more people.
6.) moved to my parents house where I felt like an infint again.
7.) got a new job
8.) A left
9.) people I thought were friends scattered (except one, M)
10.)M couldn't be trusted. She was happy when A was back in her life.
So, where are we now and what are we going to do with our future? I watch other d couples stay good friends with their Xs. I'm not sure what we are? He says we are friends. I don't feel it or see it. It is only when he decides.
I feel that I am at a stagnant place where I really haven't tried everything due to fear, but I have done what I was comfortable doing. I am not sure what steps to take at this point. I am trying to think of new ideas.
I am afraid, sad, lonely, and angry. I cannot be my mother's little girl forever. It is good for her, but it does not feel good to me.
How many times do I swallow my disappointment and feelings of anger that are caused by A? How many times do I ignor his hurtful behavior?
I watch other D couples and they continue with their lives, but they respect and enjoy their Xs company. Why aren't they married still? I don't know.
I am not sure that I played the dbing game the right way. I go back to the old thinking too quickly. I would like to know what the success ratio is for the dber's. I don't know why God chose me to have this experience. At first, I felt that I was so blessed to be with him. Now, I can't understand why I deserve this pain. One year...nothing. Two years...a crumbs worth of hope. Three years...back sliding to year one.
I wish I could disappear.
Laurie: I often wish I can take a drug that would help me blackout anything concerning A.
I am not sure that I have done everything that I could possibly do. Then again, I am so disappointed because I really thought that this time A was coming around. Instead, I was dooped once again. I fell into the believing trap.
I truly believed that this time he was going to include and welcome me into his life. Instead, I felt shoved away at all angles. I know that I scare him away with my excitement. (I'm too much too fast...I pounce because I am so eager.) Resulting in his runnning away.
What steps am i to take now? I really don't want to hear about working on myself. That is a give. I feel very lost.
I feel as though I am the person people use to promote their own personal needs. I am just nice.
Do I look like a doormat? I feel like one. Just when I think that things will be changing...it doesn't.
I am tired of being put in the position where I spend many mornings and evenings praying to God. I am tired of having momentary, cookie crumb, achievements. I am tired of feeling like I might be getting somewhere just to slide back to the bottom of the mountain. I am tired of feeling that I might just make it over the mountain top or I know that I can make around this corner. Then, my next card says to go back to the very beginning. I hate it here in this place. I want to move from this place.
Current Status:
I feel empty and forgotten. I doubt if A misses me. I'd be very shocked if he thinks of me.
Things are working out for other couples. I watch them reconcile, but not for me. I can't see it. There is a black hole out there for me.
current status:
1.) work is fine
2.) homelife is sad
3.) been sad, angry, resentful
4.) broke down and text 'hi'...
a.) otherwise, my other words would have been angry or just emotional
5.) I wonder where he disappears to. Why do I care?
6.) Is there hope for us?
Current Status:
1.) sent text to A...'Hi'
a.) I turned off my phone because I didn't want to anticipate.
2.) felt lonely last night when I went to bed. I was even missing my friends. frustrated that I don't really have a close one. others were working or off with significant others.
3.) felt good that I could help my friend, C, today because she was going through a breakup...she is sad. I can relate.
4.) went to lunch and turned on phone...got text from A!!!
A's text to me...'Hi'
a.) I smiled and felt relieved, but I still have a sense of frustration due to lack of movement or regression in our R. I need concrete dbing solutions.
Current Status:
1.) Emotions are stable.
2.) I like to have plans with friends.
a.) went to dinner with friend last night (pizza and soda)
b.) good to cultivate friendship, bad for waistline.
3.) somehow feel good about A's simple return text 'hi'.
a.) his response, even though simple, was positive and cute.
4.) believing in myself the good things that people have been telling me. I like to feel it.
Hi L: Last night, my good friend, V, reminded me that 'everybody is trying to tell me that A doesn't care for me, when am I going to realize that and stop ignoring "everyone"?'.
He also reminded me that A said 'never again', but it seems ok for V to say 'never again' and then say 'I'm going to try again'.
How about that for support? I miss A and I'm discouraged and frustrated that I'm still not sure how to proceed. It seems that I don't really have anything concrete that works with any consistency. Please advise.
Dear JJ,
How was your weekend and how are you today?
Hugs and more hugs,
Laurie
Hi L! I am doing a lot better than the last time I posted. I had a 'b' party for my friend, C, and on Sunday, I went to another b-party for another friend. I had a lot of fun.
I am a little scared because I have been able to separate my thots and actions away from A. This is the first time that time has past and I'm not counting the days when I last had a connection with him.
I feel almost guilty because I haven't been thinking so much of him lately. This is the first time that I've been involved in my life and happier.
Maybe that is how he has been. I don't want to give up hope, but I've been feeling that my life and thoughts are separate from him. I feel that this is the first time t hat I'm giving myself a chance. Big hug!
Found this prayer that I want to share.
O God,
whose love restores
the brokenhearted of this world:
pour out your love,
we beseech you,
upon those who feel
lonely, abandoned, or unloved.
Strengthen their hope
to meet the days ahead;
give them the courage
to form life-giving friendships;
and bless them with the joy
of your eternal peace.
Amen.
- Vienna Cobb Anderson
Hi JoJo,
I am glad to hear from your Aug 20th post that you are feeling stronger!
Big-time strong
HUGS going your way!
Dear Laurie:
I heard some very bad news today. A is engaged to be married to D. It's a very long story how I found out. I also heard from E that he wants to have children with her. This is like a double wammy in one moment. I feel like I lost him all over again. How he has been so underhanded in this is somehow controlling, yet weak and fearful. Just when I thought I was getting to know him again, I have to go through this feeling of loss. I am trying to hold onto God.
Miss you,
Dear JoJo,
Oh dear JoJo, my heart hurts for you. I wished A could have done the hard, but good thing and personally let you know, but sadly, it sounds like he did not.
In all of the moments you had chosen to show care and love to A, you were really loving God as you cared for A. I hope you sense His deep love for you as He is truly holding onto you.
Hold on dear JoJo,
Laurie
Thank you, Laurie...I wish you were here for me to cry on your shoulder. I have been experiencing deep weeping once again. I have been texting A, that is how it all got started. Then I started to ask some questions, and the answers got wierd. I asked him to tell me what was going on...he said he would when the time was right. Then there was silence. You know how much I hate when he gets control with the silence routine. I then called E. She told me everything. I tried to call A. He did not answer. I remained calm, but he remained silent. I told him that his not talking to me hurts me more than anything. Then he got mean. His text told me that he wants me to be his friend, but he doesn't want me to have any feelings. He finally told me that he would call me, but he never did. I feel such a sense of loss all over again. I do feel that something strange is going on. A doesn't undersand why I should even care. That's the kicker.
Forgot to tell you. As I came in the door tonight, all the clocks were shining brightly on 11:11. God is telling me something.
How are you doing JoJo?
You know what? I jumped in my car today - saw my clock - it was at 11:11 - it made me think and pray for you. Hugs, Laurie
Hi Laur: I'm good...I tried being angry at God. It lasted about 1/2 a second. I feel good and grateful. I have a wonderful family. My mother and father love me so much. My little nephews think I'm a rock star...I love that! I have a great job and friends who show me how much they love me. My friends are the best. I feel good, really. I am very disappointed in A. I'm still not sure what is going on with him.
God is good. He built me up and picked the right time to do this. I trust in him more today than yesterday and so on.
I see a lot of 11:11's too. (A lot) I know that something wonderful is going to happen. I know that he hears my prayers. I know that I will love again and someone wonderful will love me and want me that it will be worth the wait.
I am just sad that A did another one of his 'so longs'. I'd hate to lose him still. His friendship is important to me. That would be the best if he would let me still remain his friend. Right now he is silent again. You know how I hate that. I think I'm getting used to it. I wish we could talk just for a sense of closure. I would like it very much.
So, I feel good. A little weird. I feel loved, but I also feel a little lonely and abandoned again. I pray that if there is anything A can do, I pray that he won't abandon me again and at least be my friend.
Big Hug,
Hi Laurie: I feel a little strange posting here because it feels a little useless to me. It was a place that I used to hold onto hope and let go of bad feelings. Now, I don't often think of A. When I do, I am angry at him and wished I never met him. Sometimes, I think, it might be nice to remain friends. However, I don't seem to have time to contact him, and, at the same time, talking to him might bring me down. I am enjoying my job. I want to meet new people. I don't have any avenue right now to do that. I am taking it slow. I am interested in someday loving someone again and wanting him to adore me and have fun loving me. I look forward to being cherished, as well as cherishing him with all that I have. I thank God that I feel ok and feel calm about all of this. 11:11 is still happening almost everyday.
I miss talking to you. I heard that your state has snow. Big hug,
Today I feel like I can't trust anyone on this earth. Friends are hard to make. I have been disappointed by many people these past few months. Maybe I try too hard. I'm discouraged.
Ever since everyone got the word about A, the men around me have been like leeches. All they want is sex. How do they think that that would be ok with me? Where did they get that message? It makes me very sad.
Hi Laurie,
Things are not going well for Ron and I. He is always over at his mother's house, because his father died last week, which I understand.But he refuses to call me to tell me where he is. This makes me feel like he has no respect for my feelings. I am afraid to open my heart to him because of the same old issues and I feel like we are stuck in a sad, loveless marriage.
I am taking anat/physiology class and I am also taking tennis lessons but this doesn't seem to change our relationship. But it is good for me.
Hope you are doing well!
Dawn
Dear JoJo,
I have friends in my life that have also shared their frustration and disappoinment with "leeches", so I think there are many women out there that find themselves being preyed upon and would empathize with you.
Regarding friends, I would wish for you at least one or two that you could go to and would walk alongside you. You are a good, good person and a huge giver!! You have wonderful friend qualities, but sometimes your great qualities have attracted certain people who love to receive what you can give, but not offer to give back. It is wise to avoid relationships that drain and to invest in close relationships that reciprocate your kindness and loyalty.
Have you thought of or already attempted to explore new areas to meet friends (take a class, hobby class, exercise classes, faith options, etc.)?
JoJo, what I have heard that has been helpful for some people is to give of themselves when they feel down. Possibly volunteer through their church or an agency to help some group of people that could really use your encouragement, your upbeat approach, and your kindness. There are sacred moments in the midst of that and in giving we can find ourselves receiving so much more back.
Hugs and kindness to you, JoJo. Laurie
Hi Laurie:
I'm ok. I'm still trying to do what it takes to make me happy.
I've been loving my job, but by next Fall, I hope to go back to school to get my Masters. This January, I am going to take a class toward that.
I have some friends, but they are married or engaged 'or' they are very young. I'd love to meet someone like the women in 'Sex in the City'--four women who are support each other and respect each other's differences...laugh and cry together.
I have a lot of guy friends. I don't know why I feel comfortable with that, but it keeps me distant . All people scare me right now. I've been getting closer to my brother and sister-in-law. Speaking of that, I've been thinking of taking care of my nephews more often.
I want to take some musical instrument lessons. My bills will be fall paid off Oct. 31, so I will be able to do more of what I want...a litle more. That is a weight off my shoulder.
Anyway, I miss you. Big hug,
Dear JoJo,
With all of the hurt you have gone through, I understand that you may feel you need to protect yourself. I also believe that you have such a kind spirit and people see that and are drawn to you. So, when the time is right, you will open up again. But, only when it is right for you.
Continue to take care of yourself the best way you believe is needed.
Hugs, Laurie
Dear Laurie:
Thanks for your wonderful words. Your words are as good as if you were here to give me a warm, friendly, big hug.
My mind has been at ease. Releasing A is somehow freeing. I feel more relaxed. I did text him last month...a gentle 'hi'...no response. I was sad for a little bit, but my mind could switch gears without my trying.
Yesterday, at my parents' house, I was looking for something for another friend and came across a box of A's family pictures and photos of his travels. I text him asking him if he wanted his photos. First, he said 'no thank you'. Then, when I explained, he told me he'd pick them up some other time. At least, a positive response. I am happy with that.
I am not perfect, and i have a lot to learn, but I want to learn and I feel very grateful to God. My 'hopes' have changed. At first, I didn't know what else to hope for, but now I am just trusting and hoping at the same time.
I am learning, still, about making my own friends. I go off coarse every once in awhile, but I find my way back. It feels good not to hold on so tight anymore.
But, I have to say that I miss talking to you and I miss your kind words and encouragment. You have been one of my best friends (along side my Mom) these past few years. You have touched my heart and my world. I looked forward to our conversations. You lifted my spirits. You have affected my life in such a wonderful way. I miss you very much and I love you. You are the best!!! Biggest Hug!!!! (((((Laurie)))))
Dear JoJo!!
Thank you for writing and letting me know how you are!
I am thinking about you today, as Thanksgiving approaches, and truly wish for you such blessing for your life. God has created many wonderful and beautiful people in this life, but you truly are one of the most caring and wonderful people I have come across in my life.
Please stay connected, if simply to give out hugs!
(((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))
Take care, Laurie
Hi Laurie, I am trying to remember some divorce busting philosophies. While still too vulnerable, I allowed someone into my life and I guess he just took advantage of my need to feel loved. As soon as I totally opened up to him, he distanced from me. And funny thing...he wants to go back with his ex-wife. I should be happy...I believe in reconciliation. But my heart is bitter, and I feel angry. Yes, if you haven't guessed, it is V...my roommate. Instead of acting angry, I have been very accommodating to him. I hate myself that I could believe that he could care for me. I hate that I believed that even when we talked about just being friends, he has only wanted one thing...yet he still wants his ex. My self-worth is is once again at an all time low.
Dear JJ,
I would hope for you that someone would come into your life and would cherish you as you deserve. And, I know (and I think you do, too) that your healing time plays a major role for that to happen. You've been really hurt and like you said - you are too vulnerable.
So, dear friend, may I encourage you to take a break from dating? Your ability to pick healthy people to date, is highly connected to the time you've given yourself to heal.
So, keep DBg, OK? You can revisit Michele's goal-setting steps to regain your focus and help you realize you are getting stronger.
I want 2010 to offer renewal for you. That is my prayer, JJ!
Blessings and hugs,
Dear JoJo,
I really want to know how you are doing. I hope you see this somehow and share with me a bit. I am also hoping that you have kept those friends in your life that have offered such caring support for you.
Continued blessings and hugs,
Laurie
Hi Laurie: I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride. I have been trying to build up my boundaries...I'm a soft'y'.
A re-married to the woman I suspected May 21. So, I am in the midst of no health insurance. A lot of negative things have happened in the course of one week, including my Dad being in a major car accident. He is doing well, Thank God. Noone was seriously hurt.
There are certain things I know I should do to protect myself from emotional hurt, but I can't seem to do them. I'm frightened that noone will ever love me as I love them.
I miss you. Always, big hug!
Dear Laurie:
I am still healing. I think a series of disappointments have caused me to go back into my shell.
I have moved on from 'A', but I truly haven't let myself recover or I can't seem to be able to recover. Being abandoned by my husband has left a deep scar in me. In someway, I guess I feel that I am undeserving of someone who can really love me the way I imagine. I want to feel that I am not a failure; I not needy; I am worth being treated with love and respect. I want to develop that feeling, but something seems to trigger the old feelings and I get caught in feeling sad.
180 is very difficult for me. When I run out of patience, I get desperate and resort back to the old familiar ways that feel safe to me, but they don't work. They seem reasonable at the time, but then I just realize that I'm not getting what I want in my time period, therefore, i get desperate.
I have to soon see some kind of change in my life or I think I'm gonna go crazy...if I'm not there already.
Dear Laurie:
I am still healing. I think a series of disappointments have caused me to go back into my shell.
I have moved on from 'A', but I truly haven't let myself recover or I can't seem to be able to recover.
You are the only one (on earth) who can heal you. Take charge of your own recovery and get help if you need it. Lacking insurance means you can get some free or sliding scale mental health help and when you get a job with benefits, that'll also be good.
Being abandoned by my husband has left a deep scar in me.
A scar is a normal thing we can live with and We all have them. But Don't let it be a gaping sucking chest wound. And you will heal, in time.
In someway, I guess I feel that I am undeserving of someone who can really love me the way I imagine. I want to feel that I am not a failure; I not needy;
Get a C and talk this out. Read self help books if they help. I found "The Power of Now" very helpful, especially the audio version.
Also did you believe these things while your h was with you? I'm sorry I don't know your thread's history. Could you possibly have created a self fulfilling prophecy?
And if not, are you letting HIS choices color your views of yourself totally?
I once met a charming, beautiful woman with a blue collar job in IT. We attended a seminar together and I found I had a lot in common with her.
Anyhow At one point she said her h had left her for OW...and we talked and finally, she blurted out
"But if I'm so great, why would HE leave me?" And that, my friend, is the core issue we have as LBSers.
We wonder how the person who supposedly knows us best, could choose to leave us...
and the fact is, we don't know their reasons, only
what they SAY the reasons are, IF they say at all....
So we must choose to believe what we KNOW about ourselves. That we are loving, interested and interesting people, with character. Senses of humor, talents, intelligence & quirks, make up the rest of us.
See yourself objectively with a loving eye. Believe it. Radiate it.
(Know that these beliefs about you, are choices you make.)
Then you'll find that when you change the way you look at things, the things you see will change too.
I am worth being treated with love and respect. I want to develop that feeling, but something seems to trigger the old feelings and I get caught in feeling sad.
It's a thought disorder you have to get a grip on. Figure out the triggers and avoid them or better yet, learn to cope with them better.
Medications, cognitive behavioral therapy, whatever it takes. Life is short. Be happy. Happier people are magnets for other happy people...
180 is very difficult for me.
Newsflash...NOT easy for any of us. But once you overcome the resistance against a 180, and DO IT (or overcome plain old inertia) you will be glad you did). And they get easier w/practice. They won't be 180s anymore. Make sense?
When I run out of patience, I get desperate and resort back to the old familiar ways that feel safe to me, but they don't work.
Bingo....^^^ "THEY DON'T WORK"...remember that next time you start to want to repeat this pattern.
You won't get what you want b/c "they don't work"...learn patience too.
They seem reasonable at the time, but then I just realize that I'm not getting what I want in my time period, therefore, i get desperate.
I have to soon see some kind of change in my life or I think I'm gonna go crazy...if I'm not there already.
Imagine your life were a novel. Who is writing yours? Your ex h? Not okay.
Be the author of your life. Write this chapter...and the next...
and make the rest of this novel, the novel of your life, go the way you want it to.
Get some help and post here often. What's your financial situation now?
And what is your action PLAN for the next 6 months/2 years/5 years??
Dear JJ,
I appreciate you update, as it has been a while. How could we focus and brainstorm about taking some positive steps these next few months? I believe in you and know you have the ability to move through this, JJ. Take care, Laurie
Thank you for your response. However, you have responded to some things that you don't fully understand.
Things have been a lot more positive. I'm taking the time to balance my life and define myself in more places other than 'my job'. I am finding life and experiencing joy, by cultivating my friendships, sharing some wonderful moments with my parents, traveling more, getting more creative, and involving myself in charitable organizations. I guess you could say that I'm feeling good, and I like it!
Big hugs,
I had a meeting with my wife at lunch today. I had a full scale miracle happen about 1 month ago. We were in the 11th hour of the divorce process and she had a little doubt and we have put the legal stuff on hold. I am living separately but we are dating. I had a great weekend last weekend and we have had several good times. She wants to stay separated for 3 months to make sure we don't get back together too soon and end up back where we were. She has been reading DR and today she wanted to name 3 things that we each wanted to have the mariage work better. Through all my research I have never found anyone who has a situation like us. My wife is very successful and she wants the freedom to take trips without me. I am ok with that but it has been a problem over the years. I'm willing to deal with it though. That was one of her three items. My first item was that I thought we would be better off if we could both work towards sobriety. I have quit drinking and I know it's a big part of the problems that we have had. That really set her off. She became real defensive and changed her whole attitude. I hope that she settles down but she has been very volitile over the last few months and every time she gets angry I worry that she may pull the plug again. I'm still working the steps but it's scary. I am also wondering if I have to give up sobriety to save my mariage.
Hi Laurie!
It seems as though the thread may have died down, but (regardless) I want to share
I had my 5th appt w you Sat, Feb 11 at 9am. I really appreciate your positive outlook on WAS. I will continue with the 180, making the changes for myself. I wanna add that he invited me (again) today to a family outting. We went to the mall and had lunch there. I shopped while he took kids to the carousel and train. --his idea!!--
on the way there i brought up something his mom did that i didnt like. i prefaced it by saying i dont want to resent your mom like before, nor do i want you to fix it. I just want you to validate my feelings. he listened and we talked. very nice
On the way home he said he wanted us to take the kids to the mountains to play with snow (remember I'm in sunny Los Angeles
That was also very nice. There was also more emotional intimacy. double nice
I'm continuing to stay focused on myself and see his actions as a bonus to my life rather than dependent on it. Living in the now is my new thing
Thank you for all your help Laurie! You're awesome!
Question about goals. I see that some are not in our control but rather things we want from spouse. Is that ok since they are not something we can do but rather just wishes?
I am locking this topic due to length.
Please begin a new thread if you would like to continue the discussion.