If you are new to the site, you will want to make sure that you have a clear vision of what you're hoping to accomplish. It's not enough to say, "I want to save my marriage." that's not specific enough. I am posting this
thread to give you a better idea about what I mean regarding setting solution-oriented goals. Hope this helps.
Michele
Gee Newcomers!
I don't think this was intended to be a read only thread. Do any of you have any goals?
Kent
This is a SUPER idea! There's a lot of confusion out there on goal setting.
C'mon newcomers. Lets hear from ya!
Hello, I have a bunch of goals but I'm not sure if some are too specific or some not specific enough. OK, here I go.
My ultimate goal is that my H will return home, want to work on OR and no longer want D.
Here's my list of short - medium term goals
1) H will show signs of affection a)in private b)in public
- will hold my hand
- will touch me, put his arm around me
- will cuddle w me while watching TV and when we rest
- will kiss me
2) will continue to compliment me
3) will continue letting his friends and family know that he spends time w me
4) will call just to see how I am, how my day went & to chat
5) will be curious about who calls me & my whereabouts
6) will continue being agreeable about going to C
7) will open up to me more about himself, his life and how he feels
8) will call me by pet names more often
9) will see loving look in his eye more often
10) will remember raincheck for lasagna
11) will invite me for a weekend up north
12) will want to spend more time w me
13) will invite me to gem show in November
14) will no longer mention wanting to date OWomen
15) will call me his W
16) will invite me to FIL's B-day supper
17) will invite me to an event his friends will be at
18)will hint at wanting to work on OR ie. try to save M
Is this OK or are they all over the place and not making any sense??
Thanks for the input!
Milena
Confused,-You're anything but.
Your goals are great in the sense that they are highly specific and action-oriented. Good job! It sounds as if a number of these goals are already happening and it's great that you are recognizing that. Good job again.
My only other comment is that you have come up with many goals. This in and of itself is not a problem unless you expect them all to happen at once. I'm sure you don't. but just to make your life simpler, why not go through your goals and highlight the ones that have already begun to happen and the ones that could happen within the next week or two, realistically speaking. this will give you something smaller to aim at.
I was once watching a woman golfer on tv who sank an incredible long putt. The host of the show asked what she was thinking about when she hit the ball. She said, "I don't aim at the hole. I pick a point that is in line with the hole but closer to me and aim at that instead." I like that. It works well in life too.
Michele
Okay...Here goes!
1 - I want to have a night out for dinner with W (no kids) sometime in the next month.
2 - I want to plan a meeting w/W regarding finances
3 - I want W to tell me how she feels (does she want a D or not??)
Jim
ok - here are mine:
1. i'd like my wife and i to be able to spend some quality time together, either having dinner together, going for a walk, etc. - without her feeling smothered.
2. i'd like to be able to spend waking hours together in our apartment without there being tension or things being uncomfortable.
3. for my wife to feel comfortable enough to express that she sees that our relationship is getting better and/or that she has had doubts about the D
4. i'd like, before i move out (prob. less than 30 days), for my wife to express a desire to put the D-process on hold and re-assess the situation.
comments? Michele, would love you to weigh in.
I have just a few goals right now:
1)have W feel like we are a family again.
2)W will want to have an outing with just me and her without feeling smothered.
3)Make my relationship with my son better than it is.
4)W to see that i have changed and changing.
what are the solutions to maybe seeing some of those goals come about? What do you need to do?
Sully, thank you, I needed to hear that "Don't ever give up."
I'm not a newcomer, I've been here for several months. My sitch has changed, so it is time for new goals.
1) Move out of "our" house into a wonderful, comfortable new place, with lots of light and openness. (I am giving the house back to H)
2) Get past my own personal drama and histrionics, and accept the D with dignity. I will do nothing to encourage it or move it along, but I will not fight. This does not mean entirely giving up hope, but rather means that I will put it away on a shelf for now, and stop looking for the mixed messages.
3) Remain close friends with H, with frequent warm, friendly communication and occasional in-person visits.
4) Forgive H, OW, and most important, myself.
I would like H to want to give the M another try. I have moved out, so I would like him to ask me to move back in to the house and to give the M another shot with the commitment to learn to love one another again.
To do this he needs to:
1- Feel loved by me.
2- Feel adored by me.
3- Know that the times I disagree with him, I still respect his opinion.
These goals are very much about how he felt about the M, but he needs to want to try the M again. Afterwards, there are a lot of goals from there about how to make the M more loving, but first he has to want to try again. So what can I do to make myself more attractive to him? My goals are:
1- To develop my career. To get another job like the one I have, but with higher pay.
2- To be a wonderful mother. To build a nurturing relationship with my boys.
3- To pursue hobbies and outside interests that bring joy to my life.
4- To exude happiness. Enjoy life. To be the best "Sarah" there is.
Sarah
Ok, Here are my goals that I wrote down when I began reading DR, please tell me if they're not specific enough. I figured I needed to revisit these or get input from others.
1). W will agree to return to counseling together (currently I'm going alone).
2). W will plan a date for just the 2 of us (no kids)
3). W will agree to work on relationship (is this the same as 1).
Not sure if these are action-oriented or not. Should I break them down and be more specific?
Kenu
goals,
1. to have h ask to take me out of the house without kids. (before the football game)
2. to have h ask to come over on a non-scheduled night
3. to not cry when h tells me he loves me
4. to have h move back home by christmas
5. to actually read the books for my book club
6. to keep living my life for me but with him
7. to attempt to "detach" from this bb
8. to get son potty trained (stubborn little taurus)
9. to do more decorating of the house
10.to laugh more with h (he's crackin me up lately)
11. to get some sleep
LL a success story in the making!!
Quoting lostlove:
8. to get son potty trained (stubborn little taurus)
I just wanted to let you know I got a kick out of this one! Our 4yo S is potty trained in-as-much he doesn't pee his pants when awake but goes in his be every night. If I have to wash another sheet......arg.
Good luck on this and all your other goals!
mj3423-
"1. i'd like my wife and i to be able to spend some quality time together, either having dinner together, going for a walk, etc. - without her feeling smothered."
What things can YOU do that might help her not feel smothered?
"2. i'd like to be able to spend waking hours together in our apartment without there being tension or things being uncomfortable."
What things can YOU do to ease some tensions, and to help make things be more comfortable?
Goals are more achievable when you can break them down into things that YOU can do, that are action-oriented on YOUR part.
I've found that it helps when you begin your goal statements with "I will..."
I think that if you work on your first two goals, the second two will fall into place a little easier.
thanks JJ- i will think about that, and you are right. Good tip on the "I will...s"
Thanks JJ
The advice to use the 'I will....' is great! I will have to revisit my goals and use that.
First Priority Goals:
1. I want my husband to miss me!
2. I want him to feel Comfortable being in the same room with me.
3. I want H to look me in the eyes when he talks to me....STOP avoiding eye cantact altogether.
4. Want H to be concerned and iterested in my well being...not just the kids.
LisaZ
I am guilty of smothering and controlling my W, and she had repeatedly requested time and space. After a few months of my not giving my W the time and space she needed, she moved out last weekend in order to give us both a break.
So my goals are now:
1- Back off and give W time to think. This means no unecessary phone calls. If she calls me, then no "M" talk.
2- As a result of my backing off, I hope that W will eventually call me just to see how I'm doing.
3- I will stick to goal 1 concerning M talk, as a result I hope that my W will eventually ask me to do something with her such as dinner or something.
4- I will stick to goal 1 when spending time with W. As a result, I hope that she will eventually ask me to talk with her about our M.
5- If/When W does get to the point she is ready to talk about our M, I will be a better listener by seeking first to understand, then too be understood.
6- I will understand that this is a process and will not come about overnight. So I will be patient.
7- I hope that W will show interest in going to C with me.
7- If/when my W is willing to work on our M, I will be aware of my behavours so that I do not repeat the controlling and smothering that caused so much damage in the past. I will be considerate and not take her for granted.
8- W will show interest in doing things here at home.
9- W will want to come home.
I LIKE it, jw!
Small, doable, positive, action-oriented steps!
As time goes on, you'll see how you can break some of these things down even smaller, and will more easily see where you're making progress.
Good job!
Does anyone else see where they can break their goals down just a bit more?!
Thanks JJ! I guess right now I'm trying to take it one step at a time. I'm on the first step - time and space. I figure I will focus on that until I get to step 2.
Here's an interesting note: I've been out of town on business this week (and kept my cell phone off), so this week went well. Funny thing, as soon as I got in the car to head back home today I turned on my cell phone, and 10 minutes later my W called me about some small matter. Then, later this afternoon while I was seeing my C, W called again and left a message on my phone saying I didn't need to call her back - she just wanted to tell me something minor. I don't want to read too much into it, but I find it interesting that she appears to be finding excuses to call me. (at least I hope that is the case)
J, that is great!
Been thinking about this thread myself.
1. I will be more patient. I know I can be "Pushy" when it comes to making a decision... making it look like I want a certain outcome, when in reality I just want a problem "solved." As a result, I hope that my H can work with me on practical matters in a peaceful manner to make a win-win outcome.
2. I will not let my temper get me into trouble! Hopefully, my H will take the hint and won't argue in response so we can have a peaceful discussion.
3. I will end OW discussions (although I won't stop learning about her... need to rip a page or two out of her strategy book, but not steal the whole novel
). That way, H doesn't feel berated (I intensely dislike her).
4. I will
try to be "darker" to H. Difficult to do with kids, house, etc., but I think I can do this by listing problems that need discussion and then waiting to discuss, phone, email about them once every couple of days, rather than the round of emails, phone calls, etc. we go through. That way, H won't see me as "mommy" or the "responsible" one every day.
5. Continue to work on myself slowly as well... update the wardrobe, the look, the attitude. Market myself against OW
. Maybe this way, if the D train doesn't get rolling, H can see me in new eyes and want to spend more time around me!
Hey BK - have you been reading the "7 habits" book? They talk about Win-Win in there.
Not yet. Had my nose buried in technical stuff for work. Whadda geek I am. Will run to library this weekend.
I've got to knock off this geek/mommy thing!!!!
I don't know if these would be goals or just signs that I would like to see, anyway.
1. W would call just to ask me how I am doing or feeling.
2. W would come over to see me even if under a pretense of working out details of divorce.
3. W would ask to do something together.
4. W would show signs of wanting to slow down or rethink divorce action.
fyre
Fyredude... can you turn those into "I" actions? Things you will do?
Hi Michele,
I just wanted to thank you for taking a look at my goals and for the advice
Milena
Can anyone comment on my first goal? I need to think up a few more, but this one seems the most immediate.
I guess my first goal would be to make H more comfortable talking to me and being around me. Is that a good one?
How will I know this is happening?
He will start answering his cell phone when I call him.
He might call me once in a while.
He might e-mail me something about his day.
He will come over to get the mail, and stop to talk to me awhile.
When I call him he will talk for at least 10 minutes
Do these goals sound helpful and reasonable?
How can I achieve them?
Maybe no R talk for at least a month.
He seems nervous since I brough up OW. I will not say anything about that for a month either. I will call him on his cell phone once a week, and leave a cheerful voice mail. I will also send him one e-mail a week, asking about his life, and telling him about mine. Do these sound good?
I don't know. Depends on your sitch. In my sitch, I am trying to be very dark with my W, because I smothered and controlled her so much. So, I am not calling, emailing, or otherwise attempting to make any contact at all right now. I am trying to give her a lot of time and space to figure out what she wants. I intend to wait and let her approach me.
I want you to know, that goal setting really does seem to work.
Goal #1. H feels love from me. No screeching, crying, blaming. Man, this is hard. I am so mad, but my anger and impatience has not helped AT ALL. He did not fall in love w me 20 yrs ago because I begged him too. Quite the opposite. He was the pursuer. And besides, I didn't show love towards him (his way, at least). The way I used to show love towards H was by wanting to be with him and share in his activities becuase I saw him for who he was, not who I wanted him to be. So, the goal setting that my H feels love from me is actually possible now, becuase I accept him again. I put the thoughts of ow out of my mind. No mention. I don't let his comments affect me. I like myself and know I will be ok. Sometimes it's easier to change the behavior patterns, remember actions speak louder than words. He's definitely kinder nowadays, and he even smiles at me once in a while. So, my goal here was for him to feel love, well, he can't do it unless I am loving. I can't be loving if I am vengeful or angry.
Goal #2. H feels admired by me. I beginning to remember why I married him. He's quite an original thinker, but I understand him, I guess. I love to listen to him. Take the time and be with him.
Goal #3. Be able to disagree with respect.
My goals are very much about the feelings we evoke when with others. Is that what a relationship is about, feeling good about yourself when your with someone else.
Pursue hobbies for myself. Make myself happy and therefore desirable.
Overall, have patience. Accept that this takes a very long time. Use the time to develop myself. Not to be hard on myself. Accept that I am human. Enjoy life, my children, my career.
Sarah
Hi gang,
Boy, you've really have gotten far with this. It's great! I'd like to comment on the goals so far. I probably won't be able to comment on everyone's goals, so be patient.
JimfromBoston,
Since I'm not completely familiar with your whole story, it's hard for me to tell whether your goals are realistic given that you want them to happen "within the next month." Things have to be moving along quite well for your wife to want to have a night out with you without the kids. So, evaluate whether you've broken your goals down into small, doable chunks. And in regards to your 3rd goal, I'd say hold off for now. Judge by her actions, not her words. Okay?
Michele
mj3423,
Here's what you said.
1. i'd like my wife and i to be able to spend some quality time together, either having dinner together, going for a walk, etc. - without her feeling smothered.
As I said to Jimfromboston, are you being realistic about her wanting to eat dinner with you right now? If so, great, if not, think of something that could happen within the next week or two that would be a sign that you are moving in that direction. Also, what would have to happen for you to know that she's not feeling smothered? How would she behave differently?
2. i'd like to be able to spend waking hours together in our apartment without there being tension or things being uncomfortable.
Okay, good. Then what would replace th tension? What would happen instead. remember, goals should always be stated positively. And what would be different about your behavior and hers that would be a sign that you are feeling more comfortable?
3. for my wife to feel comfortable enough to express that she sees that our relationship is getting better and/or that she has had doubts about the D
Even in the best of circumstances, verbal reassurances are usually the last thing to happen. So try again.
4. i'd like, before i move out (prob. less than 30 days), for my wife to express a desire to put the D-process on hold and re-assess the situation.
Well-stated! I'd like that too!
Michele
comments? Michele, would love you to weigh in.
Sully,
You said,
I have just a few goals right now:
1)have W feel like we are a family again.
2)W will want to have an outing with just me and her without feeling smothered.
3)Make my relationship with my son better than it is.
4)W to see that i have changed and changing.
rather that respond goal by goal, I have some advice. You need to describe your goals in action-oriented terms. For example, What will you and your son be doing differently that will make you think that you and he are developing a better relationship? The key is in describing the actions! Try again with each of your goals. Michele
Chrissa, you said:
1) Move out of "our" house into a wonderful, comfortable new place, with lots of light and openness. (I am giving the house back to H)
This is good.
2) Get past my own personal drama and histrionics, and accept the D with dignity. I will do nothing to encourage it or move it along, but I will not fight. This does not mean entirely giving up hope, but rather means that I will put it away on a shelf for now, and stop looking for the mixed messages.
How will you put the divorce on the shelf? How will you behave with dignity? what exactly does this mean to you?
3) Remain close friends with H, with frequent warm, friendly communication and occasional in-person visits.
Clear enough, for sure.
4) Forgive H, OW, and most important, myself.
Any guesses about what I'm going to say here? That's right, not specfic enough. How will you know when you have started to forgive? What will you be doing, thinking, saying to yourself that you haven't done, said or thought yet?
Michele
sarah,
Your second set of goals are much clearer.
I would like H to want to give the M another try. I have moved out, so I would like him to ask me to move back in to the house and to give the M another shot with the commitment to learn to love one another again.
To do this he needs to:
1- Feel loved by me.
2- Feel adored by me.
3- Know that the times I disagree with him, I still respect his opinion.
These goals are very much about how he felt about the M, but he needs to want to try the M again. Afterwards, there are a lot of goals from there about how to make the M more loving, but first he has to want to try again. So what can I do to make myself more attractive to him? My goals are:
1- To develop my career. To get another job like the one I have, but with higher pay.
2- To be a wonderful mother. To build a nurturing relationship with my boys.
Yes, but how?
3- To pursue hobbies and outside interests that bring joy to my life.
4- To exude happiness. Enjoy life. To be the best "Sarah" there is.
Again, when you exude happiness, enjoy life and are the best Sarah possible, how do you act? What do you do? Michele
Kenu,
You said,
Ok, Here are my goals that I wrote down when I began reading DR, please tell me if they're not specific enough. I figured I needed to revisit these or get input from others.
1). W will agree to return to counseling together (currently I'm going alone).
Don't worry about this. If you're going to a good counselor, s/he can help you achieve your goals even if your W won't attend.
2). W will plan a date for just the 2 of us (no kids)
3). W will agree to work on relationship (is this the same as 1).
I've said this to others above, without knowing your situation, it's hard to tell whether you've bitten off more than you can chew here. A reluctant spouse is not likely to want to initiate having a date or admitting openly that she wants to work on your marriage. These actions take time. So, ask yourself, "What will be the very first sign that I'm moving in a positive direction? Michele "
LL.
You said, goals,
1. to have h ask to take me out of the house without kids. (before the football game)
is this doable within the next 2 weeks? If not, break it down to a smaller goal.
2. to have h ask to come over on a non-scheduled night
3. to not cry when h tells me he loves me
4. to have h move back home by christmas
5. to actually read the books for my book club
These are all good
6. to keep living my life for me but with him
How will you know when you're living your life for you? What will you be doing?
7. to attempt to "detach" from this bb
And what will that look like?
8. to get son potty trained (stubborn little taurus)
Hmmmm...
9. to do more decorating of the house
10.to laugh more with h (he's crackin me up lately)
11. to get some sleep
Define this more clearly. One more thought, you've got a lot of goals here. Maybe you should think about which of these, if they were to be accomplished, would make the biggest difference in your life. Okay? Michele
Liza,
You said, 1. I want my husband to miss me!
how will you know when that happens? What will he be doing/saying?
2. I want him to feel Comfortable being in the same room with me.
same feedback.
3. I want H to look me in the eyes when he talks to me....STOP avoiding eye cantact altogether.
This is clear
4. Want H to be concerned and iterested in my well being...not just the kids.
Will he ask about you? What will he do that will make you feel his concern? Michele
jwhetnc, You said,
Back off and give W time to think. This means no unecessary phone calls. If she calls me, then no "M" talk.
2- As a result of my backing off, I hope that W will eventually call me just to see how I'm doing.
Good goals
3- I will stick to goal 1 concerning M talk, as a result I hope that my W will eventually ask me to do something with her such as dinner or something.
4- I will stick to goal 1 when spending time with W. As a result, I hope that she will eventually ask me to talk with her about our M.
These goals will take some time. You should focus on something smaller. You will feel more encouraged that way.
5- If/When W does get to the point she is ready to talk about our M, I will be a better listener by seeking first to understand, then too be understood.
Wonderful! How will you do this?
6- I will understand that this is a process and will not come about overnight. So I will be patient.
Glad to see you understand this. It is very important. Now tell me, how will you know that you are being patient? What will be different about you?
7- I hope that W will show interest in going to C with me.
I hope you're going by yourself. Counseling with both spouses isn't absolutely necessary to achieve good results!
7- If/when my W is willing to work on our M, I will be aware of my behavours so that I do not repeat the controlling and smothering that caused so much damage in the past. I will be considerate and not take her for granted.
How you will know that you are continuing to be aware of your behaviors? What will you do? How will you show her that you are considerate and not taking her for granted?
8- W will show interest in doing things here at home.
Like?
9- W will want to come home.
Bingo. Go slowly. Be patient. One step at a time. Michele
Bluekeys,
You said
1. I will be more patient. I know I can be "Pushy" when it comes to making a decision... making it look like I want a certain outcome, when in reality I just want a problem "solved." As a result, I hope that my H can work with me on practical matters in a peaceful manner to make a win-win outcome.
describe what the more patient you will do during heated discussions.
2. I will not let my temper get me into trouble! Hopefully, my H will take the hint and won't argue in response so we can have a peaceful discussion.
When you have your temper under control, what do you do differently? What would a peaceful discussion look like in your home?
3. I will end OW discussions (although I won't stop learning about her... need to rip a page or two out of her strategy book, but not steal the whole novel ). That way, H doesn't feel berated (I intensely dislike her).
Does this mean you will stop asking about the OW?
4. I will try to be "darker" to H. Difficult to do with kids, house, etc., but I think I can do this by listing problems that need discussion and then waiting to discuss, phone, email about them once every couple of days, rather than the round of emails, phone calls, etc. we go through. That way, H won't see me as "mommy" or the "responsible" one every day.
Great!
5. Continue to work on myself slowly as well... update the wardrobe, the look, the attitude. Market myself against OW . Maybe this way, if the D train doesn't get rolling, H can see me in new eyes and want to spend more time around me!
So, do you mean by working on yourself- improving your physical appearance? Michele
Fryedude, You said
W would call just to ask me how I am doing or feeling.
2. W would come over to see me even if under a pretense of working out details of divorce.
3. W would ask to do something together.
Is this too ambitious for the next week or two? If so, smaller sign please.
4. W would show signs of wanting to slow down or rethink divorce action.
When this happens, how will you know? What will happen? Michele
Christi-Bailey,
You did a great job being clear and specific. My only question is whether what you want to happen will happen within the next two weeks. If you think not, Identify some smaller goals to achieve. But you're on the right track as far as being concrete. Okay?
Michele
Michele,
In reference to my goals 3 & 4:
Quote:
3- I will stick to goal 1 concerning M talk, as a result I hope that my W will eventually ask me to do something with her such as dinner or something.
4- I will stick to goal 1 when spending time with W. As a result, I hope that she will eventually ask me to talk with her about our M.
You said:
Quote:
These goals will take some time. You should focus on something smaller. You will feel more encouraged that way.
Heres my ideas on some smaller goals:
A. Phone Calls .
One issue I see right now is that it seems that when my W calls she always gives some reason for why she's calling me. The calls are usually very brief. She always says, "I gotta go", like she's so busy she can't talk to me. She sometimes mentions one or two things she's been doing, but doesn't go into detail, and she rarely shows any interest in what I'm doing. If she does ask about an activity she knows I'm involved in, she doesn't really give me the opportunity to go into it. She makes it very brief. Almost as if she asked just to be polite, but really doesn't care. It gives me the impression that all she cares about right now is herself.
My goals concerning this would be:
1- I should be patient, and try not to get frustrated. I have to realize that it will take time for her to feel like sharing things with me, and for her to truly build an interest in me and my activities.
2- It would be encouraging if she would call me "just to be calling".
3- I would be encouraged if she shared with me something about her day at work.
4- I would be encouraged if she sincerely asked about something I'm doing, and wanted me to tell her the details concerning the activity.
5- It would be encouraging if she just called to tell me something funny that she heard - or that happened to her.
6- I won't bring up any M talk when she calls, and I'll just try to be a friend to her for now.
I do think she is making tiny baby steps. She has continued to call me about small matters, some of which we had already discussed and made a decision on. There have been some calls that just made me scratch my head and go "hmmm"?...
B. Time Together Right now we aren't doing anything together. We do have tentative plans on one thing. I started taking karate recently, and have my first tournament coming up. She knows this is something I have wanted to do for a long time and seems to be proud of me for finally doing it. A few weeks ago, I told her that it would be nice if she could go to the tournament. She called last night to ask when the tournament is, and seems sincere in wanting to go - but she doesn't want to ride together. This really hurt my feelings, because the tournament is a 2 hour drive from here. At some point, this situation became an issue in our marriage. For whatever reasons, many times my W stopped wanting to ride together places. This never made any sense to me - and I still struggle with it. She said she likes riding by herself. Part of this may be because she is a smoker and I am not. Or maybe it's because we had reached a point in our marriage where I grated on her nerves all the time.
My goals concerning this would be:
1- I need to try and understand that my W has her reasons for having drawn away and not feeling comfortable doing things with me - or riding with me places. Therefore, I shouldn't make an issue out of it.
2- I would be encouraged by any offer from my W for us to do anything at all together.
3- If/when my W wants to do things with me, I should be cool about it and not make a big deal about it.
4- I should be encouraged by the fact that my W wants to come to my karate tournament, and not let it bother me that she doesn't want to ride with me right now.
5- I should not bring up any M talk. I will let her broach that subject whenever she feels ready.
Other: 1- I should be encouraged by the fact that she has not changed her mailing address yet.
2- I should be encouraged by the fact that she has not told her family about our separation. [they live in another state]
3- I should be encouraged by the fact that she still maintains some small presence here at home, such as a login on the computer (which she didn't have to put back on when she reformatted the hard drive a couple weeks ago).
4- I should be encouraged by the fact that she mentioned in a phone call yesterday that Home Depot has a grill on sale. I think this indicates an interest on her part in our home.
Quote:
5- If/When W does get to the point she is ready to talk about our M, I will be a better listener by seeking first to understand, then too be understood.
Wonderful! How will you do this?
I will be a better listener by doing the following:
1- I will maintain eye contact at all times.
2- I will not interupt when she is talking to me.
3- I will clear my mind when she is talking to me, and give her my full attention. This means that I will not let myself start thinking of a rebuttal, my opinion, or anything else concerning what I want to say.
4- I will repeat back to her what I think she is trying to tell me - in order to ensure that I have understood her correctly.
5- I will respect her feelings and opinions, whether I agree or disagree.
Quote:
6- I will understand that this is a process and will not come about overnight. So I will be patient.
Glad to see you understand this. It is very important. Now tell me, how will you know that you are being patient? What will be different about you?
I will know I am being patient when:
1- I am not bothered by her not calling me for a while.
2- When she calls, I am satisfied with just getting the call, and not expecting or asking for more.
3- Whenever we are around each other, I do not bring any talk concerning the M (I haven't been sucessful at that yet)
4- For me to not dwell on the situation, but to go on with my life and just let things fall into place in their own good time.
5- When W does offer to do something with me, for me not to push or pressure for me to get my way.
Quote:
7- I hope that W will show interest in going to C with me.
I hope you're going by yourself. Counseling with both spouses isn't absolutely necessary to achieve good results!
I am going alone. It does occasionally get a little frustrating though, because at times I feel like I am speculating on how she feels. I am sure it would make it easier if the C could hear her side of things straight from her - instead of going through me. But, I will just keep working on my issues, and hope that some day my W will show an interest on going also. If not, I won't let it bother me.
Quote:
7- If/when my W is willing to work on our M, I will be aware of my behavours so that I do not repeat the controlling and smothering that caused so much damage in the past. I will be considerate and not take her for granted.
How you will know that you are continuing to be aware of your behaviors? What will you do? How will you show her that you are considerate and not taking her for granted?
Before I speak or act, I will pause a moment to consider my purpose and the affect it will have. I will take the time to think about her feelings and to understand her point of view.
Quote:
8- W will show interest in doing things here at home.
Like?
1- Well, she did show some interest yesterday by mentioning a grill on sale at Home Depot.
2- She would show interest by wanting to come out and see the horses.
3- She would show interest by wanting to come out and help on the barn (we have been building a barn together).
4- She would show interest by wanting to come to the house and grill some steaks or something.
5- She would show interest by picking up something for the house.
6- She would show interest just by coming by to hang out for a while. (yesterday she came by to pick up her mail, even though I told her previously that I would bring it to her when I came to work this week - and we live about a half hour from town - so I think she was just finding a reason to drive out here)
I do feel like she does make baby steps, but then pulls back. I just have to keep being patient, not expect too much, and when I get frustrated, try to put myself in her place and attempt to understand where she's coming from. I have to just settle in and expect that this will take a while - but that it is worth the wait.
I will stop yelling at my H.
I will not get upset if I feel ignored by H again.
I will forgive, I will stop bringing old hurt feelings back.
1. H will call me this week while out of town just to talk.
2. H will not go out with OW this weekend (doesn't seem very realistic).
3. H will introduce me to people as his wife.
3. H will tell me he wants to date or work on our R, just to see if there is anything left between us.
4. Ultimate goal - H will ask me to move to Germany with him at the end of the year.
I'd like to add this: It seems as long as H continues so strongly in the A which has become an obsession and addiction for him; and no matter how much DBing I do, our situation remains the same and feels hopeless. It has created a less-stressful living environment in our home, but has gotten us no closer to reconciliation.
Jen
Ok, I took what you said in your post and also revisited the DR chapter on action-oriented goal setting and here is my modified goal list. I've broken it into 2 lists, one short-term where I'd be better able to gauge small steps in the right direction plus have more control of, and one long-term, which is where I ultimately want to be.
Short-term goals:
1).Stop spying on W/concerning myself w/OM
2).Start working out again
3).Lose weight
4).W will notice/comment on weight loss
5).W will notice/comment on me being in shape again
These are goals that allow me to focus on me and not fixate on the relationship while I'm DB'ing/DR'ing. If my wife notices these changes, it means she's probably noticing other things as well.
Long-term goals (very long term but ultimately doable)
1).W will say something positive about R
2).W and I will go out on a date together
2).W will initiate or ask for hugs and kisses
4).We will sleep in the same room together.
5).W will cease contact with OM.
As I get thru the short-term goals, I can modify that list to create the next set of short-term goals that lead to the long-term list.
Hopefully this is better than my original list and more action-oriented. And under my control!!
just wanted to thank michelle for taking the time to look over our goals and comment on them.
Quote:
6. to keep living my life for me but with him
How will you know when you're living your life for you? What will you be doing?
7. to attempt to "detach" from this bb
And what will that look like?
I will know when i am living my life for me, when I am able to do things like my book club and not feel like I am doing it just because it will make the r better but because I enjoy it. I will not feel guilty or neglectful of h and kids when I spend time doing things that are for me.
when I detach from the bb, I will not feel the constant need to check my thread 20 times a day, but will stop by to give updates and check in on others and offer support when I can.
LL
Michele,
By the more patient, I think maybe I mean more active listening. Trying to listen for meaning rather than reacting to what's said. Also trying to keep my anxiety level down. I guess also trying not to go into a discussion or problem solving situation with a pre-determined "answer" in mind.
When my temper is down, I usually have a quieter voice, and appear (not necessarily am inside
) more relaxed.
As for OW, I will try. It's sooo hard. I guess part of what drives me there is to learn what she's all about, perhaps some female competition thing? Learn what she's meeting for my H that I can't?
Yes. Physical appearance. I'm not ugly. But, just a very casual person... just generally wear dockers, jeans, sweaters, that kind of thing. Little makeup. I have a feeling that OW is glamour queen. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?
Goals:
Immediate Goals:
1. I will try to project a PMA - 16 hours a day (7 hrs sleep, 1 hr down time or primal scream time) to H, to kids, to co-workers.
2. I will call H 3-5 days a week (currently < 1 day a week) just to say hi. Note, this is more difficult than it sounds: First, I need to find out when is a good time to call. Most times are not good times, or he isn't reachable. He hates answering machines. Doesn't have e-mail. Doesn't carry the cell phone.
3. I will experiment on how to fill his love tank (Ref. Five Love Languages). First Language to try - Affirmation. I will thank him for at least 50% of what he does for me or the family. I will find at least one a day - like a (Thank You) vitamin.
4. I will make him feel special when I come home from work. I will delay my connection with the household (mail, kids, chores) to spend 2 minutes with H with my full attention.
5. I will experiment out how to fill up S (10 yr old) love tank. He feels left out - middle child. First Language to try - Spend time together (at bedtime).
Mid Term Goal
MT1. I will change the way I react to criticism.
How?
- I will speed up my recognition of criticism to less than 10 minutes later.
- I will remark to H that I felt critized in a non-aggressive manner within 2 hours, if practicable. (How? or Is this possible?)
- I will try to forgive him for criticizing me.
MT2. I will try to change my appearance. Unfortunately, I don't want to do this. If I do this now, it will be to try to please him, and not for me. I don't mind the way I look - as long as I smile. He is very disappointed about some aspects that aren't too difficult to change, but require a maintenance committment that I don't want to sign up for.
Long Term Goal - January 2003 and on.
LT1. I will want to go on a 7-10 day vacation with him without kids. (Right now, I don't want to, any venue. I can't see how it could be fun - just more expectations.)
LT2. My husband will never say he wants me to move out, ever again. (It would be nice if he apoligized for the last 6 times, but I don't expect he ever will.)
These are considerably different than my July 25, version - they were "I want" instead of "I will".
-KJ
Here are the goals that I have come up with so far. Please let me know in what ways I can make them better.
Long term goals
1 W will admit the possibility of us staying together. (Right now say that she wants D no discussion)
2 W will agree to counseling again. (with SB therapist)
3 W will agree to go out on a date with me.
4 W will admit that she misses me.
5 OM will be out of the R.
6 We will do an activity together as a family
Short term goals
1 W will ask me to do something not related to D or housework.
2 W will ask me to stay longer when I am there.
3 W will open up to me about something personal.
4 W will ask my opinion on something in her life.
5 W will start having our D call every night to say goodnight (we had decided on this long ago, but she has kept it up very well. Missed last four days she has had her.)
6 W will give me a compliment about anything.
7 W will ask about my life other than if I am dating anyone.
8 W will remember something we did together fondly.
9 To read all the books I have purchased about R.
Thanks for your feedback Michele- let me really understand baby-steps and patience.
MY do nots:
1. I will not talk about OW.
2. I will not explain why we should try again, and explain again and ask "why?".
3. I will not read emails, phone messages, or ask about his whereabouts.
4. When H says something, I will not take it personally. I will not be affected by negative comments.
MY do's
1. I will concentrate efforts on my kids, career and myself. I will speak lovingly to my children, I will be effective at work, by applying myself to the job at hand. I will feel good about myself.
2. I will speak clearly, without anger, and "show who I am"; no more wishy-washy.
3. I will pursue business ideas I have, and friendships I have forgotten about.
H will
1. Not say "shphew" (a little condescending retort).
2. Kiss me when we have sex.
3. Invite me over for TV time.
4. Pay me a compliment.
5. Spend the weekend with me.
5. Invite me to a work party.
6. Want to try again.
Sarah
6. Invite
I'm not exactly a Newcomer (S 1 yr) but I do need to make new goals:
Short Term Goals:
1. To detach myself a bit more so I don't get frantic at the tiniest baby step.
2. To have a more stable PMA
3. To come up with a way to try to get H to communicate without pursuing him or pushing him away
4. For H to communicate about something personal and not because he *has* to (bills, responsibilities, etc)
5. For me to not open my big mouth and say the wrong things when H does communicate
6. For H to communicate semi-consistently (rather than the once in 6 months thing he's done lately)
7. For H to call and to have a positive conversation with no OR talk
Long Term Goals:
1. For H to visit
2. For H to ask me out on a date
3. Becoming best friends again
4. To hear H say he loves me
5. H wanting to work on the marriage
6. Marriage Counseling
7. H coming home
jwhetnc,
You did a great job. Your goals are very clear. I do have one thing I want to say to you.
If your spouse were beginning to think she wants to come home, it won't start out with her saying so. she will call you for other reasons. She will give excuses for stopping by or contacting you. You see, she's testing the waters and doesn't want to tell you the real reason because she doesn't want you to get your hopes up in case it doesn't work out. I'm telling you this so that you find joy in her calls, even if she doesn't have much to say or ask about. Be patient. This is a really good sign. Act non-chalant about it. If she thinks you're wildly happy about her visits or calls, it will scare her. You be the one to say you've got to get off the phone some time. That will blow her mind! You're doing great.
Michele
Bluemoon,
You said,
I will stop yelling at my H.
I will not get upset if I feel ignored by H again.
I will forgive, I will stop bringing old hurt feelings back.
You should read the section in Divore remedy about goal setting. YOu need to be a whole lot more specific and you need to state your goals in positive terms. For example, when you say you will stop yelling at your husband, the real question is what will you be doing instead? When you say that you won't get upset when you feel ignored, what will you do instead? How will you act? What will you say?
get the picture?
Michele
Kibbles,
You said, It seems as long as H continues so strongly in the A which has become an obsession and addiction for him; and no matter how much DBing I do, our situation remains the same and feels hopeless. It has created a less-stressful living environment in our home, but has gotten us no closer to reconciliation.
The other option would be for you to stop DBing. Will that increase the chances of reconciliation? I think not. You're right. Affairs stink. They suck the life out of marriages. But that's what's happening right now and I think that a more peaceful feeling between the two of you will stack the deck in your favor. In the end, as you know, there are no guarantees.
I also wonder whether your goals are too ambitious. What do you think? Anything smaller possible?
Michele
Kenu, You get an "A" on your new goals. You're a quick study, aren't you? Good job. Looks like you're pointed in the right direction.
Michele
Lost love,
You got it now! Good. My only suggestion...
You said, "I will not feel guilty or neglectful of h and kids when I spend time doing things that are for me." What will you be doing or feeling instead? What will your friends notice about you when you stop feeling guilty?
Michele
Your goals sound good here, but I just read your post on the other thread. You sounded very discouraged. Hope you feel better soon.
Michele
KJ-
I like your goals. Just have two additional thoughts. It's hard to have PMA 17 hours a day for anyone. be more realistic. And plus, how will others be able to tell that you are having a PMA? What will you do?
And about the appearance thing. Like it or not, attraction is important. If your spouse is unhappy about certain easy-to-change aspects about you, change them. It will be a win-win situation. Make the commitment.
Michele
Blac,
I really like your short-term goals. You've got a very clear picture of what you'd like to see happen. I'd suggest you modify the last one though. Read some of your relationship books, not all. Go outside and get a life! You'll feel better and you'll be more appealing that way.
Michele
Sarah,
Your "do" list is perfect. You got it. Your h's list is a little ambitious for now. Slow down a bit.
You're doing great.
Michele
savedwoman,
I know you've been around for a while, but you're right, you could use some solution-oriented goals. Even now, your short term goals are far too vague. Read the section on goal-setting in The Divorce Remedy.
1. To detach myself a bit more so I don't get frantic at the tiniest baby step.
If you were more detached, how would you respond differently.? What would you do?
2. To have a more stable PMA
What does this mean to you?
3. To come up with a way to try to get H to communicate without pursuing him or pushing him away
communicate about what? I'm sure there are some things he's more willing to discuss than others.
4. For H to communicate about something personal and not because he *has* to (bills, responsibilities, etc)
This is clear.
5. For me to not open my big mouth and say the wrong things when H does communicate
Know what I'm going to say? Okay, what will you be saying or doing differently if your H is communicating?
6. For H to communicate semi-consistently (rather than the once in 6 months thing he's done lately)
what does this mean? How often would he have to call to be a baby step forward?
7. For H to call and to have a positive conversation with no OR talk
this is good.
Modify these.....see what I mean?
Michele
Thanks Michele, I really appreciate you taking the time to give all some pointers and you are right, my goals are very vague. After a year, I guess I was trying not to be picky but I was very vague. Ok, let's try this again:
Short Term Goals:
1. To detach myself a bit more so I don't get frantic at the tiniest baby step so I will be able to better use my DB'ing skills and act rather than react to the situation or conversation. I do great with detaching and having a PMA while being dark because it's almost become a comfort zone for me, it's when there is contact or a baby step that I start to freak out and over-analyze. Detaching more will allow me to keep my cool and act as-if.
2. To have a more stable PMA so that I can better accomplish goal #1 and also to show H a more confident, self assured W rather than the over-emotional, needy W that used to be.
3. To come up with a way to try to get H to communicate without pursuing him or pushing him away. This would include any communication he initiates or would be willing to participate in. To be able to ask him a simple question about the bills and have him reply directly instead of through his brother or not at all.
4. For H to communicate about something personal and not because he *has* to (bills, responsibilities, etc)
5. For me to not open my big mouth and say the wrong things when H does communicate and to respond instead of react when he does communicate. To learn to choose my words carefully and thoughtfully while weighing whether they will bring me closer or take me farther away from my goals. To listen more and not talk so much, to give him positive feedback and to let him know that I do value his feelings and opinions instead of getting defensive because I'm afraid to get hurt again or nervous because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. For us both to be more comfortable and able to open up.
6. For H to communicate semi-consistently (rather than the once in 6 months thing he's done lately). A positive baby step would be any phone call or e-mail, since I haven't talked to him since February and only received 1 e-mail (a month ago). Semi-consistently right now would be once a month or even every other month. Then I'll make another goal for once or week, etc. I don't know, Michele, this one is hard, my sitch with communication with H is so weird right now (and has been), I sound desperate for just 1 call or e-mail but that would be more than I've been getting. Trying to come up with ideas on opening the lines of communication but I'm not sure how because I have absolutely no clue what's going on with H or if he'd even welcome communication from me. This is a really tough one I've been trying to sort out for months now. The other BB'ers are throwing ideas my way but I still can't figure out one that would pertain to my sitch.
7. For H to call and to have a positive conversation with no OR talk
Long Term Goals:
1. For H to visit
2. For H to ask me out on a date
3. Becoming best friends again
4. To hear H say he loves me
5. H wanting to work on the marriage
6. Marriage Counseling
7. H coming home
8. H staying home (forgot that one last time and boy is it a needed addition to the list! Been there, done that before)
Thank you, Michele!
Michele,
I find myself thinking about some of the painful things my W has said. Not just in anger, but just in casual conversation. I just cannot believe some on the things that have come out of her mouth in the past few months. I could understand it if they were said in anger - but I have a hard time understanding these nonchalant comments that she apparently didn't give a second thought to.
I find myself wondering how someone could care about another and be able to make those comments without realizing the affect. Does that mean she really just doesn't care? Or is she just that numb that she didn't think about it at the time.
Is is possible for a WAW to just be so numb and uncaring - and make a sincere turn around?
Michele, I'd really like to hear your comments on this. Thank you.
Michele- Thanks for the feedback. My goals are representative of an individual who has self-worth (no spying, etc) and independent of H's whims (no emotional reaction to negative comments). Setting these behavioral goals are really great for me. I am setting up new patterns of interation. Those feelings of desperation are starting to fade. I'm having new ideas again, my brain is working on parts of my life that are good.
On the other hand, you said, goals for H are too ambitious for now. Probably, becuase in the last two year, we've actually spent some time together but he's not ready, he backs off quickly, and I'm impatient... I want BIG steps. So, that's my main goal with him, PATIENCE. I need to think miniature steps with him, remembering how we got together 20 yrs ago, remembering that now he calls or comes over under the guise of doing something for me or the kids, as opposed to him. I also read in your other responses that they come back a bit and test the waters. Also, I have to remember how he shows love. What are the baby steps, he'll do. He'll never buy me flowers or anything... he'll want me to be a part of HIS life. Thus, baby steps have to pertain to that. Revisited H's goals with this in mind.
1. No more condescending remarks ... well if I don't respond emotionally, he'll have to stop because he'll no longer get fulfillment from it.
2. Kiss me when we have sex.. He will initiate sex and I will sometimes say no.
3. Invite me over for tv time and dinner time. Actually this happens already, just need the number to increase.
Here's where I have to rethink and slow down.
4. He'll ask me to pick him up or drop him off or help him out to do something.
5. He will call becuase he wants to. Because he thinks I have something worthwhile to say. Again here, I must show myself... no wishy washy, whatever, apprehensive, um, behavior. Although I am an internal gal, and it takes me awhile to process my response, I can always say "my immediate response is this, but I need to think about this for a bit".
6. He'll ask me for help or thoughts on things he's working on, (showing respect for my opinion).
Sarah
Michele-
A question where an answer for all of us might help:
Why do they take such BIG steps with OP and baby steps with us?
An answer would help me feel more hope, that's all.
Thanks,
Sarah
wow michelle I must say this is a great thread, thank you for working with us in this way.
it actually took for h to move out of the house for me to get a day off, during his visits i would go out, so I actually had sundays free for me to do what i chose (first days off since sons birth and he's 3 1/2) at first i didn't know what to do with myself and felt like a bad mother for not being there with the kids. I soon learned that, hey I need a life too! I enjoy the time I have off (and plan to keep some of it when h returns) and know that it is good for the kids to be away from me at times too, gives daddy his space to be daddy in his way without me breathing down his back, (I will need practice with this when he returns but am working on not letting the little things get to me)
what I always felt before when i'd go out with my friends w/o h was not good, instead of really enjoying the time I would grow resentful of the fact that h and I didn't do things together....
sooo inorder to lose those feelings and be able to enjoy my friends and not resent h, we'll need to spend our time together doing our things!!
my book club is going great and I enjoy it!!!!
My goals of a month ago were:
- W will call/email me just to say hi or chat about nothing in particular
- W will say something complimentary (e.g. you look nice)
- W will suggest having lunch or dinner sometime
- W will come to me to discuss work problems etc..
- W will send me a birthday card
Well, the last one happened (!), and W has chatted to me about her job, job hunting etc. a few times. And she has complimented me on the good job I made of decorating daughter's bedroom, and a few other things. So I might be seeing a bit of progress. Still keeping my goals small though! And it is still usually me that initiates contact, though usually with a valid pretext (school etc.)
I have adjusted my goals because of the advice of a successful DBer. I wanted to make it more oriented to what I can do to make things happen.
Long term goals
1 W and I will have moved close enough for her to want to work on our R.
2 My W and I will work on our M with a SBT.
3 I will start going on dates with my W.
4 I will get to the point where the OM doesn’t mean anything to me.
5 I will become the man my W fell in love with again (if not better), and she will let me know how much she missed me.
6 We will spend time together as a family again.
Short term goals
1 I will create an atmosphere in which W feels comfortable asking me to do things with her.
2 I will employ active listening skills, and validate my W feeling so to allow her to feel comfortable enough to ask me to stay longer.
3 I will listen to my W without judgment so that she will feel she can open up to me about things that are personal to her.
4 I will create atmosphere of openness and honesty in which my W will feel she can ask me for my opinion on things in her life
5 I will make sure that I talk to my D every day that I do not have her.
6 I will be the kind of man my wife will want to compliment
7 I will become as good a friend to my wife as she will allow me to be, and she will be interested in my life because of this.
8 I will make new memories with my W that she will look on positively, and she may start remembering some of the times we had together fondly.
9 I will read those books that seem most pertinent to my situation as it is right now.
10 I will make a conscious effort to take time out and just enjoy myself.
11 I will cherish every moment that I spend with my D.
What do you think??
Alex
Yes, Michele. Very discouraged.
However, I'm going to keep these goals despite whatever outcome.
I really do not wish to make my husband my enemy. So I guess for now I'll go as dim as possible on him while I move slowly through this process. Thanks for replying.
I am new on this but since my wife left from Greece to USA without any contact with me and only with the kids I will just put as goals
(1) get her to start communicate with me. I will just sent her a letter how the kids are doing in every day events and nothing else. No love you, no how are you, nothing about me
(2) Calm her down because she left with the "I hait you" thing and " I do not love you any more" go and found a girlfriend.
What do you thing guys. Any suggestions?
Blac0091
I think you did a GREAT job with these!
"6 I will be the kind of man my wife will want to compliment"
What will be your smaller steps to accomplish this particular goal?
Savedwoman,
you're very welcome. Glad you've taken another crack at your goals.
You should give an example of a baby step that makes you freak out and then describe what you'd do instead when your PMA stays steady.
the rest of your goals are much clearer. Good work!
Michele
jwhetnc
WAW's say nasty things because they think they have nothing to lose. They're considering leaving so there really aren't any risks to being unhkind. Most are usually either numb or have pent up resentment and it feels good to them to "finally let things out." And yes, these WAW's do turn around sometimes. Just read Another Divorce Busted Forum. Read David's story. It's really wonderful. I understand your pain.
Sarah,
I'm delighted that setting goals has gotten your brain working again. That's fantastic. It's nice to exercise the gray matter, isn't it? It's also important tha tyou recognized that he would want you to be part of his life and that your baby steps would have to relate to that. The rest of your goals sound good. Keep up the good work. And to your last question about baby steps with you and big steps with the OW.... it's all a matter of timing. That's where they're putting their energy NOW. (That's why NOW has OW in it) But everything can change in a moment's notice. And sometimes does. Most men don't leave their wives for OW. Keep that in mind. It may take time, but many people realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side. remember, where there's green grass, there is manure.
lostlove,
I'm impressed! You discovered you need a life! Good relationships consist of three parts, me, you and us. You have to be able to do all three parts well to have a satisfying marriage. You're learning a lot now. And another thing. You're enjoying your book club! That was one of your goals. that was fast! You go girl.
Breen,
Your progress sounds great. Just keep your eyes on the prize. It certainly sounds as if you're moving in the right direction. That's wonderful.
Blac,
Go over goals 1,3,4,6,7,8 and ask yourself, "By doing what?"
bluekeys,
Going dim on him sounds good to me. Actually, it sounds like a Chinese dish. :-)
Keep us posted on what happens next. And keep your PMA, no matter what.
Patrik, You need to describe how you will calm her down- your second goal. It's not very clear. Post your story on the Newcomer's forum if you haven't already. Okay?
And last but not least, JJ-
Right as usual!
take care,
Michele
Hi Michele and all--
Just wondering. How does one go about setting goals when one is separated and dark? My h and I have been separated since January, dark since May, gray in June and July, and deep ebony since then. Yet he continues to pay rent on my apartment, hasn't changed his mailing address or filed for D (or even brought up the subject), and asked me for a long warm hug when we saw each other for the first time in months two weeks ago. (There's also an OW whom he works with in the picture.) I still believe in the possibility of saving my M, but I'm not sure what kinds of goals to set in these circumstances. I've been holding it together ok I guess--doing well at work, going out with friends, and being pleasant yet detached with h. But I feel sort of aimless in terms of setting feasible goals. What kinds of goals might be productive goals in my sitch? I'm still ready to fight the good fight in the name of DB, but I could really use some guidance. Thanks for being there all, and thanks for this BB Michele!
Edna
Michele, Thanks so much for your comments and advice to us. It really means a lot.
It's hard to understand how someone could love you so much, and then turn into a person you can hardly recognize. I sure hope that my W is still there underneath it all.
Hi Michelle, I have to start by saying, THANKYOU so much for being there for all of us on this board. It is really a comfort to know you are there. I have such a hard time setting the goals, and following through. I had a phone consult, (which was excellent). The coach and I figured out to start with me. So... that is my first goal, but now am lost to the others. I am currently trying the LRT, of course started AGAIN, this week. I have not had any contact with my H besides e-mails,and over the phone since Sunday. There is OW,I get so tense just thinking about all this, and I think that makes me cut my goals short. I am just truly lost on where, when, and how to start.
Thankyou Michelle,
loneheart
Thanks, Michele. I've been really thinking about your advice and I think that lack of patience on my part is my biggest problem. An example of a baby step (the ONLY baby step in 6 months that I am 100% sure of) is he sent an e-card on the anniversary of our son's (only child) death. This was a step because he didn't acknowledge our son's birthday, the holidays, our anniversary, etc for the past year. I freaked out for a few weeks after that, got my hopes up - "He cares, he thought about me enough to take the time to send an e-card, he was nice in what he wrote, etc, etc". Took me a while to calm down, after all, it was the first step in 6 months. So my PMA skyrocketed and then plummeted when I responded to the e-card (followed DB rules with what I wrote - "Thanks for the e-card, I miss our son today too and I was thinking about you also. Hope you're doing well, etc" short and sweet, no pressure). And then he didn't respond to that so my PMA took a nosedive. If I can keep my PMA steady, next time there is communication hopefully I can be more detached, think of it more as friendly contact rather than the getting all excited and impatient and obsessively hoping that this is the beggining of him coming home. I don't know why he sent the e-card, maybe because he cares, maybe only because it was the "nice thing to do" - I have to stop trying to read into things too much. So I guess my goal is to have more control over my emotions and therefore have more control over how I respond and how I appear to him.
Question for you - how do we achieve these goals by being dark? I've been dark for 5 months now, extremely dark. A question many of us have discussed on the board is - how dark is too dark? If we are too dark does it give our WAS the impression that we have moved on and have no interest in saving the marriage? Being dark has helped me tremendously, to give me time and distance to pull myself together and get my new life together. But it sure isn't helping on the communication between H and I, especially since communication was our biggest problem. My H is so laid back and introverted I worry that even if he wanted to talk, fear and his pride wouldn't let him and me being dark for so long is reinforcing his belief that him being a WAH was the right decision. Hope all that made sense. Would be great if you could give advice on goals and being dark with little/no communication, so many of us here are dealing with that and aren't sure what to do so we do nothing and none of us are sure if it's making our situations better or worse. Thank you, Michele.
For me going dark is detaching, review Detaching in Advise from Wise D'Bers forum, and keeping a PMA. On the other hand I do understand your question and I struggle with that too, how do we communicate without much interaction, and without communicating like we used to? PATIENCE? They'll come around when they're good and ready? I really want to launch into my drama here, but analyzing or venting about my sitch has not helped one iota in the last 2 yrs. Our job here is to list our dos and don'ts, list the baby steps we'll see has we are approaching our gaols. We can always break down our baby steps into tinier steps. Maybe all we can do now is work on ourselves, make ourselves happy for a change. That way if and when they do come back we are better prepared, we'll have developed new patterns of interaction, so our R doesn't instantly return to its former (probably dismal) state, so our old behavior patterns don't rise to the surface again.
I also think I know what you feel when one of your baby steps are met (you got an e-card) but there was no follow-up. Maybe that's when you add another baby step similar to the last one, because H has his own schedule to get to the next step. I went out on a limb too; it was still in line with my list of Do's, I showed myself by sharing some email I had with a girlfriend who we've known for years. I received a dismal response from H. So, here, I guess I have to remember not to have any expectations, and not to read into his response and let it affect me one way or another. Remember to do things for ourselves and then their response won't be so loaded.
Go back to your goals, and measure how we're doing there. We made a pact that this would be our measuring stick, so let's focus there. I know how much devastation we feel with each passing second, but we have to keep our heads above the water.
Sarah
Thanks Michele,
That is definitely the hope, that somthing will change in a moment's notice. I don't know if giving my H time and space is the key here, I don't think sharing my inner thoughts is the key, so I guess I've been doing the "if it doesn't work do something -anything - different". Find the things that do work and keep doing them. Maybe now the only things that work are the things that make me happier. I do know of 3 situations where the H's came back when their Ws had given up or let go - detached?. Maybe that's when they had found themselves again and returned to being the real people they were, not dependent on their H and his responses.
Sarah
Thanks for providing advice Michele. I realized that i need to take things a bit slower, and deal in reality, not wishful thinking. Here are some updated, hopefully more "i will" oriented and specific goals. My over-riding goal right now is to re-establish a friendship with my S, and permit her to start trusting me again on little things, hopefully working up toward larger things like trusting me with her heart.
I will be legally separated tomorrow, and moving out of our apartment by the end of October, so I would like to use the next few weeks to set up for future DB'ing efforts, using this time to my advantage.
My goals are:
1. I will act completely at-ease with the settlement agreement/divorce/me moving out, communicating to her that I am both a) perfectly secure about my own future, and b) will not fight her about anything, but will support her and see her side of things.
2) I will be friendly, yet detached, when I see her. I will not start any conversations beyond those about the weather, current events or other small-talk topics.
3. I will find things to give her sincere compliments about.
4. I will listen to her side of all discussions, showing a genuine interest in her life (while not prying), and talking minimally about my own life.
5. I will not ask any questions about her plans for the future. I will live in the here and now.
6. I will offer my friendship and support, without expectation.
7. When/if I feel myself getting emotional about things, or unable to do 1-6, I will remove myself from her presence to get myself in balance again.
8. I will continue to offer help and assistance to her around the house, including fixing things, cleaning things, purchasing shared groceries (milk, etc.) as long as I am living with her, while respecting the fact that she may want to start taking care of more of these household items herself.
9. If she rejects any friendly overture to her, or is hostile to me, I will not get upset, but ignore it and do my own thing.
10. I will focus on who I am at my core, and continue working toward who I intend to become, and who I can be.
Michele,
I just wanted to tell you that I think my W has hit some of the goals that I set concerning phone calls. I mentioned it in my thread - but didn't know if you would catch it.
She called me today to tell me that she went by the house to check her mail, then proceeded to tell me how funny it was when she was at the counter reading her mail, that one of the cats had jumped up from behind her onto her shoulder and then to the counter - forcing her to give him attention. She asked me if I had ever seen him do that before, and I told her that I hadn't - that he must have really missed her.
She then talked to me for a while, telling me about the couple she was living with, some of the things she had been doing.
The point is - She was sharing things with me. So, that is one of the goals I had on my list. Plus, she didn't even have to call me to tell me she had gone by the house - she had left a note too. She could have just let me read the note - but she called anyway.
Michele, right now I could go for a huge Chinese dish... dim sum sounds great.
I really appreciate your participation in our discussions here.
What causes someone to be deceptive? I'd like to attempt to rebuild some trust, but on my part after having discovered all that I have, I'm not sure if I can trust again. That's a big part of my problem--as if I can't trust my own insticts again. Does this make any sense?
Edna,
I certainly can understand why you feel unclear about goals. With such little contact, it's hard to know what to do. However, I have a few thoughts.
The first thing you should recognize is that sometimes, the best thing you can do when you're DBing is to stop yourself from making things worse, from burning bridges behing you. If you keep youself on an even keel, if your uncertain spouse is ready to come back to Planet Earth, you will have kept the door open. This is an enormous feat for most people because going through this process is like living in hell. And when you live in hell, you feel like doing hellish things from time to time. but if you surrender to those bad feelings, you will undoubtedly push your spouse away. So, the good news is that you haven't done this. You should be proud of yourself.
Now to the hug, the mysterious hug. Who knows what's going on there? I would wonder if your spouse is starting to miss you a bit. You might consider coming out of the dark in a very small way and test the waters. Not knowing your relationship, it's hard to know what would seem natural. Would a casual email fit? Or a phonecall just to say hi? The important thing here is to do things casually and keep your eyes open for his response. If he balks in any way, time to go back to the dark. Test the waters, see what happens.
But this doesn't answer your question about goals. Ask yourself, "What could happen in the next week or two that would be extremely usual given the way things have been going recently?" That would be a good way to start.
whetnc,
You say it's hard to understand how someone could love you so much and then turn into a person you can hard recognize. I completely understand why you feel that way and there are many, many people here who would agree. However, know that if people can change rather dramatically for the worse, they can also change in the other direction. Don't forget that.
Loneheart,
I know how difficult this process is for you. It's hard for everyone going through it. I'm glad the telephone coaching was helpful to you. Since you now have a plan, I would suggest that when you wake up each morning make a list of things you're going to do to stay on track. Then do them. Review your list at the end of the day to see your progress. This will help you feel better and take your mind off of the OW- something you definitely need to do, as hard as it might seem. Okay?
savedwoman,
Now I understand what you mean when you say that you "over-react" when something positive happens. I completely understand your feelings and you're right when you say that you need to slow down. If he thinks you're becoming too optimistic about his approaching you, you will scare him away. Let me give you a suggestion.
If he sends you another email...or something like that... you can write back about your appreciation, but be low key about it and add YOU DO NOT HAVE TO RESPOND. I am not expecting anything from you, I just wanted to say thanks, have a nice day," or something like that. that will make him feel less nervous, okay?
About being too dark. Read what I wrote to Edna. That should apply to you and anyone else wondering about testing the waters. If things have been at a standstill for a long time, there's nothing wrong with doing something small to see what happens. Just be prepared to stop without drama if it doesn't work. Okay? It's a really good question, thanks for asking.
Sarah,
Your wisdom in both your posts shines through. Make yourself happy and detach. You couldn't have said it any better. Thanks for sharing what you've been learning.
MJ,
Your goals are clearly stated and right on target. they're great. Now just put them somewhere where you can see them and remind yourself to do them. You will be a pro DBer when you do! Believe me, you will.
jwhetnc,
How great to get good news! You must feel pretty darn good about this. Just keep your eyes focused on the prize and keep us posted on more progress towards your goals!
bluekeys,
After you've been betrayed, trust is slow in returning. In fact, for now, you shouldn't even been thinking that trust is a reasonable goal. It's reasonable to be cautious. Once a relationship gets back on track and its loving again, trust can slowly return. So don't expect things that are unreasonable, okay? As to why people are deceptive, there are many, many reasons. Without knowing your spouse it's hard to say.
But don't sit around analyzing this for too long because you'll lose the strength you need to DB all the way. Someday, if things go the way you want, you'll have answers. And even if you don't, at that point, it won't matter to you. So focus yourself on staying on track. Once your marriage is on the road again, you will feel that your instincts are trustworthy. You really will.
Have a good week everyone!!!
Michele
Michele,
Thanks so much for your input. It means so much to me. I slipped a bit yesterday - got it in my head to pick up some self help books, and a journal, to give to my W. I don't know where my head was. She really doesn't read much - and has no interest at all in self-help books, or in writing in a journal. It was like a train wreck.
But, upon reflection she wasn't too unkind about the whole matter. I politely said that I had made a mistake, apoligized, took the books and left. I figure she'll back off a little, but I'm not too discouraged. I think it just gave me the strength I needed to just go ahead and detach. I've decided to go into super dark LRT for a while - and really do a lot of hard work on myself - all around work physically, mentally, emotionally. If all goes well, I figure by the time she decides to poke her head out to see where I disappeared to, I should be a whole new person.
Thanks again Michele. I think it's wonderful that you show so much interest in helping us through this.
Thanks Michele! I'm doing pretty good on not freaking out or over-reacting to my WAH (kinda hard to do with no communication), my response to his one and only e-mail lately was a polite "thanks for the e-card, hope you're doing well". I left it at that, short and sweet and no emotional or personal talk, and no other contact so I wouldn't scare him off, but it's been a month since then so I don't know what's up. It's not so much me over-reacting to him, it's all me driving myself crazy. He doesn't see or know how I overreact, the gang here on the board gets to put up with that - the overanalyzing, over stressing, getting my hopes up, and then getting my head out of the clouds.
So I am doing good as far as using my DB skills with my H, just not with myself.
Thanks for your reply on the being dark question too. Since after 5 months being dark is "more of the same" now, I'm going to stick my head out and test the waters. My goal is to be friendly and get a friendly response, though no pressure, no emotional stuff, and if he doesn't respond then I'll have to figure out a new game plan. And as part of this, my other goal is to not go off the deep end and drive myself and everyone else nuts during the wait! Thanks!
I've been at this board for three months now. It's about time I put some serious effort into clarifying my own goals.
My immediate goals are:
I would like W to show an interest in me as a person. Examples of this would include
1)Giving me information about the children,(such as their welfare, what they have been up to, etc) without me having to ask all the time.
2) Ask me how I am, or give some sign that she thinks I matter as a person.
She would stop being totally defensive and relax when she is talking to me.Examples of this could include 1) She would laugh at my jokes, or better yet, tell me one of her own. 2)She would stop trying to limit our communication and not act like she must be the first to hang up when we talk.
3)She would ask me about how the childrens weekends with me went.
As I begin to achieve some of my initial goals I will turn my attention to some goals that may take longer to reach.
These would include:
W will question the merits of her relationship with OM.(She may have done this in her head, but I want to hear that she has done this out loud.
W will show more interest in me. Examples of this would include 1) Asking me to join in a family activity, or even asking if she could enjoy an activity with me and the children if I should have them. She would perhaps call me just for a social chat, with no hidden agenda.
W would want to spend time with me. Examples of this would be to want to go shopping, or the movies, etc with me, just like she would a freind.
My next lot of goals may take even longer to occur.
W would end her relationship with OM.
W would actively encourage me to spend as much time with our children as the children and I want.
W would want to engage in OR talks, and say that she would like it if I would consider marraige councelling with the aim to restart our marriage anew.
If any of you have any thoughts or comments about these goals, please let me know.
Dave
Thanks Michele--
Your words of wisdom and encouragement are just what I needed to hear right now. So many people (not on the bb of course) keep telling me to call it quits out of pride or self-protectiveness, but my instinct is not to do so right now. It helps to hear again about the hope in possibility that comes with leaving the door a bit ajar.
I did test the waters a bit this week by emailing him to ask him for help in taking care of our dog one night a week. He didn't balk at all--said he probably could and said he'd email me again next week to let me know for sure. What I didn't tell him is that I need the dog-sitting to allow me to go to a support group led by a therapist who has read your books, went to one of your seminars this spring, and talked to you there. So I feel like it's a baby-step forward on two fronts--first that he didn't flinch at agreeing to help me out, and second that I'll be doing something good for myself each week with someone who knows where I'm coming from regarding the DB perspective. About my goals, it's hard to say what to shoot for in the next couple of weeks since lately we've gone for so many weeks at a time without contact. I guess I'll start small and just aim to have our dog-sitting arrangement go smoothly with only pleasant, low-pressure contact. Thanks again for your support. If I can keep hanging on, at least I'll know in the end, no matter which way it ends up, that I did everything I could to give my M a chance at survival. Your positive energy is a great gift to all of us here on the bb.
Edna
Thanks Michele,
I really like the part where you talk about testing the waters. A little baby toe in there, and if the temperature's too hot, wait until it cools. Also, and this is what I have to remember, once one toe is in the water, still the next toe might need some more cooling down. In light of this goals for moi, what's been happening.
1 - Career - Concentrating on the task at hand.
2 - Kids - Being together with them.
3 - Hobbies - Started (and completed some sewing projects).
4 - Me - I'm smiling and I actually like myself again! Accept others as who they are, they are doing the best they can. Read some books. Presently, all the novels make me too emotional, so stick with some factual books.
My do's. Stay on track.
1 - No discussion about ow. Doing good here. It helps.
2 - No spying. Keeps my own self esteem up. I have no competition. There have always been and will always be others around. I do not need to succomb to those horrible pulls of jealousy. Spend the time improving myself. Spy on myself. What makes me happy? Old habits die hard. I was at the bookstore with my younger son and I was looking at some poetry books and some novels and I find myself saying " Oh , H would love this, maybe I'll get it for him. Oh, wouldn't H learn a lot from this book". I wasn't even scanning the shelves to see what books I'm interested in. Time will come when it's his turn again...
3 - Speaking: clearly, calmly, no anger. Well. Had a little blow up here. He didn't treat me with respect. I asked him a question about something he was working on and he responded curtly. (He said I was never interested in what he was working on. Then he says I'm only asking him because he thinks I'm following his formula.) My side of the story. Whenever I would ask him something, I would feel inadequate, like there's something I should know (since I'm educated -low self esteeem here) but I don't know (because I forgot or because I didn't learn that). So I flipped a coin, should I call him or not to tell him how I feel? Pursuing if I call, testing the waters? Heads - I call. Led to more discussion the next day. I say, "I want to try again". He says "sometimes I feel really comfortable around you and other times I don't" I said, "Well, when are the times you feel comfortable around me ? What do you do to allow it to happen" Anyway, I lectured some. Too much. I didn't back off. But it was ok. There's communication and interaction, and he didn't "pchewy". So, I wrote and wrote and wrote. Believe it or not, you get the shortened version. So, returning to the goals. After step 1 (no condescending remarks) and before step 2 (kiss me), you're so right - need some smaller steps.
H's
1- No pshewy's. No more condescending remarks. I have to know when they are coming, and how I promote them. See above. This is working.
Next step (new, improved version).
1.a. He'll call me to tell me things. About the kids, typically. But sometimes just about stuff. We're here right now. I can call him too. This is where we're at right now. I can call anytime for a legitimate reason. But keep it at that. No reading into answers, no expectations, no sighs, keep to the business. If he calls to tell me something funny, laugh along. If he calls to tell me he's upset about something, sympathisize and show compassion. Read the tone. Then hang up. This is all along the lines of lovingly distant. And when I'm brave, if I am ready to handle the put off - call to tell him something funny or sad. THEN hang up. NO lingering on my part.
1. b. He will show me some affection. He will put his arm around me. My response will be to say something along the lines of "you're so sweet " or "that feels nice" , MY natural sincere response and then let it go. See, we've kinda tried a bit before, but we (he) does the overboard thing. PATIENCE. Then back off, nicely though.
Let's stop here for now. These are the goals for the next week or so. He may travel anyway. If he does he may kiss me. Respond but gently, very gently.
So, I think I'm getting this baby step idea here. Baby steps in every way. First each action is tiny, but in addition, my response has to be itsy bitsy. Then the next step is a little further away, but first keep my response itsy bitsy. The next step may be for H to continue with the same actions, but for my reaction to be a little bigger.
I want you to know that what helps me is to always go to the Advise from Wise DB'ers forum. The one part I haven's gotten under my skin yet is "Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse" . I guess part of that is not responding emotionally to what they say. But there's more to it that I haven't gotten yet.
Learning, patience. I swear I get there.
Sarah
Boy, is setting goals hard!
I want my marriage back!!! That is first and foremost!
I have started by looking at things that I felt were not there. This lead to what do I need to do. I have reordered them so that they make sense (I think). I re-examined how to answer these questions and found that I had to go into a third person mode to get going, but once I got started it got a bit easier. I am getting the feeling that I will be adding to this list of things throughout the rest of my life.
I have tried to follow each item up with signs and what to dos.
So here is the start,
Things for me to do!!!
How do you get there?
1) Do those things today that need to be done today.
a. Stop putting things off because they are not fun or are hard to do.
b. Make lists of things to do and stick to them.
2) Show her the same courtesies that you would want and seem to demand.
a. Do not filter the information give it complete, she really wants to know the whole story.
b. Tell her about phone calls, who was on the phone etc. (use the memo pad! always)
c. Make a list of things of note that happened today and share it.
3) Show the devotion that you feel. At all times not just when it seems convenient.
a. Do not ask what is going on only when she seems tense or out of sorts.
b. Continue to be a good communicator. Just keep telling her what I am thinking and feeling and ask questions. (This is tough in conjunction with the Last Resort Technique; I have to stay away from the too emotional stuff.)
c. Continue my therapy and self-improvement.
i. Continue to journal.
ii. Get a good personal counselor to help with the deep-rooted problems. (Childhood issues)
d. Reconnect with the kids. Help them with their homework, play games. NOT TV!
e. Fix the house. Is there ever something that does not need to be done?
f. DO NOT FLIRT! This has got to hurt! Even if she does not say so!
g. Ask her once a week what can I do better? Listen/hear and put it into your next action plans. (This will have to wait until she makes overtures of reconciliation)
Things that I would like from her.
1) Time for me/us, without it seeming like a chore or an interruption in her schedule.
a. Initiate the evening out; get a baby sitter etc.
b. Turn off the TV after the kids go to bed and say hello with a smile and a wink.
c. Ask me if I am happy with the way things are going. And mean it, do not let me shrug it off.
2) Tell me that she understands why I am working and doing even when I really do not want to.
a. She could insist that I take time off for no other reason than to hang out!
b. Just tell me that I am doing a good job and that even though it does not seem like they appreciate it they do. (She and the kids)
3) Ask for help and be specific.
a. I know that the house needs to be cleaned, but what would she like me to do?
b. Go ahead and stop what she is doing and show me how she needs it done. (I know this seems odd for adults, but we see complete, as two different things.)
Michele, thanks again.
I think you've hit something on the head... I'm an overly analytical person at times and I think I expect too much at times. A friendly email I'll interpret as my H thinking that he's going to end the A. I read too much into it, I guess.
So... I've got to focus on those babysteps, right? I guess I'm too focused on what I want the outcome to be, rather than working on myself.
jwhetnc,
It doesn't sound as if you slipped too much and I like the way you got right back on track. that's great. Don't lose any sleep over your mini-slip. It's no big deal. I like your going dark plan. And, by the way, you're welcome.
saved woman,
You plan sounds great. I like it. Let us know what happens.
Aussiedave,
Your goals are clear and concise. The only suggestion I would have is about your telephone conversations. "2)She would stop trying to limit our communication and not act like she must be the first to hang up when we talk" So what will be happening instead? Will you try to get off the phone first? Besides this, you're doing great.
edna,
I love your dog idea. It will give you a way to interact with him. You're very creative. I like your plan a lot. Thanks for the kind words as well. I appreciate it.
Sarah,
I love what you have written and how much thought you've put into it all. You are a Dber Xtreme. Keep up the good work.
Flj,
Another really great, specific set of goals. Terrific. even though you said it was hard to do, you did a good job. Now do what you need to do to make them happen!!!
Bluekeys, you're very welcome. yes, focus on the babysteps. It's the only way to get there. I'm rooting for you!
Michele
Michele,
I stuck to my plan since Saturday and made no contact with her other than a few informational emails concerning household things - or family matters. I had agreed to bring her mail in to her when I come in to work (since we live so far out of town). I just go by her work and put it in her truck - no contact with her. But, yesterday when I dropped off the mail I also put a couple of jackets in her truck for her - since its turned cold here - and I didn't know if she had taken any with her (because she only took some essential items when she moved out). I wasn't sure how she would perceive my dropping off the jackets, but felt it was the right thing to do.
Well, she called my cell phone last night around 7:00. I didn't answer (part of my LRT). She left a very touching voice mail message, thanking me for bringing the stuff to her. She really sounded surprised by my actions, and sincerely touched. She seemed to be kindof at a loss for words, stuttering a bit, and even had a little nervous chuckle in there - as if she didn't know what to say.
I could definitely hear something different in her voice. I stuck to my LRT though, and did not call her back. I want to be patient and let her come to me. But, my PMA is on a very good level right now.
Goal 1:
Develop a friendship with my WAW:
Over the next two weeks she will:
-Ask me if I want to go out with her and our sons
-Be interested in having lunch together
-Be interested in going to see a movie together
Hi, Dropped off the deep end the other night, decided to go the Dobson style letter with my w. Only encouraged her more to want the D. Need to start over with my goals.
I will stop saying I love her.
I will start sleeping on the couch some nights--when we are in the same bed very difficult not to hold her.
I will find positive things to say about my w's working out program. Not difficult she is looking great. I will find positive things to say about my w's friends --- even those encouraging D---this is alot harder.
I will continue to be more involved with my chidlren: going to church, role playing games on the weekend, and helping with homework when I can.
I will be quiet when she mentions D.
I will continue to work out: Hour and Half on Bike and 30 minutes on weights ever day.
I will start again on the hobby of performing Magic.
jwhetnc,
Wow! that sounds like really great news. I also like how you stuck to your LRT. Good going! I'm not surprised that your PMA is on solid ground. Keep up the good work. Small kind gestures seem to go a long way.
rapcgtiac,
I don't know you or your situation, but I have a distinct feeling that your goals are too ambitious for the time being. Have you read Divorce remedy? Have you read the goal-setting section. Time to reivew. You need to break your goals down into small doable chunks. What will be the very first sign you're making progress?
PDK,
Even Dobson isn't convinced about the value of the Dobson letter in all situations. He says,"It would be unthinkable of me to recommend that victims of affairs indiscriminately pose ultimatums with 24-hour deadlines or that they push an independent partner in a corner. Great caution is needed in such delicate conflicts." He goes on to suggest seeking professional advice. I'm glad you switched gears. And by the way, your goals are great. Stick to them!
Michele
Another positive step today. W called today to thank me for bringing some more mail by her work and placing it in her truck. I told her she was welcome, and that it was no big deal. There was a pause, and so I asked her if that was it - then, she asked me how I'm doing. She and I had a lengthy talk about what I've been up to and what she's been doing. We laughed about a few things. I won't go into the details (I might put more on my own thread).
There was only some brief "R" talk, in which she made a comment in regard to our separation saying she had just needed a little space. Which I took as a good sign because that shows an indication that she still looking at us having a future.
There were one or two slightly tense comments on both parts, but we didn't linger on them. Overall I think it was a good conversation. I feel good about it.
Hi Michelle, I wish you would have shared your thoughts about the Dobson letter in the e-mail that I sent you sharing with you the letter, I was going to send. You sent back it looks good and wish me the best of luck. Appreciate your input on my goals. I keep you posted.
Thanks PKD
Michele
I have been DBing since last fall. H didnt like me back then and thought it was too little too late. OW came into the picture. Now: OW is out of the picture and H has no interest in seeing her for 4 months now. H likes me again but is 50 % in. H needs space. H doesnt know what he wants but misses me. Wants to miss me more and let go of negative history and anger.
My goals have changed over the months so now I need new goals. Here goes:
1. No phone calls from me
2. No asking him to stay
3. No crying in front of him
4. H asks me out without kids
5. PMA- H likes when I smile
6. Keep busy with fixing up the house
7. Let H stay with his sister with no pressure
8. Expect him to be gone 3 months getting his head cleared
9. Make time for me- shop, exercise, reestablish friendships
10. H asks to spend the night
11. Let him initiate conversations
12. Turn him down at least once- this is hard!
13. REestablish my relationship with my daughters! very important
Sometimes I am "on" and he pursues like crazy, but I cant figure out how I got to be "on"!!!!!!
Thanks for the opportunity to jump in!
Shay
Hi Miscell
I did got the book and read it twice. Since my wife left very angry on me and went to another continent here are my goals.
She never talk to me or asked the kids about me. I am going to try for her not to feel angry by sending her a nice message in unexpected way and get her want to call me..
1) Hire a clown and sent him to her with a nice card saying"just to make you laugh" Then next week to say "have a nice day". The third week sent a cart and a rose ( all times given by a clown).
2) One letter a week just about the kids and photos. Nothing about our R. Like nothing happened.
3) she likes her cousin who is having some psychological problems and she asked me to sent him a present when she was here. Now I am going to sent him a present by my own.
I am going to do the unexpected for her to handle this. What do you think since there are no much That I can do since me in Greece and she in USA????????
Thanks Michele,
I get an A on the goal-setting but a D on achieving #1 on the short-term list. It is proving to be VERY difficult. I really need to stop this.
But I will say, it helps to see my goals written down to remind me what they are. My thoughts can't muddy or reinvent what's already been written.
Does this make sense?
Kenu
michelle,
i have db,d for months and now my h is wanting to try calling more coming over more wanting to do more as a family etc,
how long do I have to act "as if" not call etc. I want to be able to call my h to say hi if i want to but it seems I cannot if I must still db.
h is claiming ow "relationship" is over but I see that she is still calling his cell phone at least weekly on his non-shceduled visiting days.
I do not know what to do in my current sit, as I have gotten his attention but don't want to keep acting like I don't care what happens to us or want to be with him.
goal #1 get over ow
goal #2 accept what h says about it not getting physical with her at any point beyond hugging.
goal #3 stop looking at his cell phone
goal #4 stop calling him (should that include letting son call him???)
goal #5 don't ask him if he's coming over on a non-scheduled night
I do not know if these are the right goals as h did for some stupid reason think i hated him.... uh duh don't think i would have always been wanting to spend time with him if i hated him, THAT was what i hated the fact that he was just unavailable for me and son and then d, oh and yeah I was a bit perturbed to find out that though he was turning down offers to go for lunch with son and I he was finding the time to take someone else's sorry wife out to lunch, so who hated who????
I don't know what I should be doing now!
LL
Michele-
Well, a day of drama, the old stuff. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back? Although I didn't get the Pshewey's, I feel we went back to the blaming stage. H said "You weren't there for me", "You didn't love me". And I went back to the cheeseless tunnel, explaining everything. He tells me not to do this, but I insist. I say "didn't I get my point across to you". "I love you", . Anyway, finally all this come to a halt again. We had "the" conversation which led me to the place of realization that I have to "let go".
Through tears, because I couldn't stop them, I said "I'm really sorry you didn't feel love from me, because I love you with all my heart and soul". Pause. Then I added "I'll be ok". He asked "does that mean you're letting me go?" And I said "yes". Then we talked a bit about work and kids and jokes and we parted. That's where we are now. I have to accept that. He has to come around on his own.
Now then let's look at the positive side. We are both free of the shackles of the past. I can go on with my life. He can go on with his.
Back to square one. Work smart. Stay on track.
Keep a PMA. When my brain wonders what he's doing, who he's with, stop going there. I can't do anything about it. Where am I? What am I doing? What can I do to make myself happy for a change.
1- Career. Learn a new programming language. When at work, work.
2- Kids. Keep loving them as much as they can handle. Do things with them. Go for a bike ride with them. Go to their soccer games. Be with them.
3- Friendships. Stay away from those who get me off track. "your'e H is such a whatever". "You should whatever".
4- Do things for myself. Not to show my H who I am to please him, or what I am to show him I've changed. I've changed. Keep the changes coming.
When communicating with my H:
1- Listen to what H is really saying. "no sales pitch" "you can't make me love you". Come to think of it, I don't want that either. No talk about OW(s). We can call this a MLC or a marriage breakdown or whatever. But the fact of the matter is he says it's over. There's some peace that comes along with acceptance of a situation. There's some freedom.
2- Be a friend. The "casual neighbor" as someone put it on one of these threads.
3- Keep a solution journal. You noticed I joined that thread too. This is a huge realization for me. That I have given into "instinctual behavior". I do something because I "feel" it's right. But it might not be right. This is where SBT is really a science. And we can remove the soulmate, reading the mind, beginning stages of the relationship out of the equation. Love is the art of making the science of relationships work - promoting proven methods of success. It's funny, we had our last "old-style encounter" at a restaurant where we've had many a bad conversation. I think we should stay away from that place. Or else I really have to keep my antennas up and make our interaction there incredibly positive, to create happy peaceful memories.
Make yourself happy and detach
1- Fix up my bachlorette pad. Design some wall hangings. Decorate the place to my liking. Isn't this what I've always wanted? Give it a try. I get to do it my way.
2- Don't use the children. They need both mom and dad. They love both of us. They want us together. When we're together as a family make it feel good. Ask H about his day, what projects he's been working on. Dreams, aspirations, progresses. That kind of stuff.
3- Don't accept all invitaions. Don't be so available. Some "Oh, I can't go there today".
4- Don't be curious about what H has been up to . No quetions about his whereabouts. That will just have to take care of itself.
Hi Michele, Really confused--starting working on the goals again. Friday night when finish doing things with the kids around midnight. W comes out brushes teeth--that is usually menas that she is planning for something besides sleep. She was. Don't know what to say. This is only three days after she said she wants to pursue the divorce.
Sunday morning, I thought I would find out if the waters were still warm---major backslide---more like the North Sea. I guess at this point I should not make any moves unless the w starts but it is really hard. Any advice would
be helpful. Thanks PKD
I'm replying to my own post to stay on track. Since this thread will probably end soon I'm going to move over to the solution journal w/ Jamesjohn however for myself I'm setting my goals here and will probably start a thread in Staying solution focused.
Deatch and work on myself:
1- Career - stay focused at work. Learn jsp programming language.
2- Kids - Nurture them. Do things with them. Be their mother.
3- Decorate my place - Make a creative wallhanging.
4- Pursue my business idea. Make a few more prototypes. Cost it out. Visit representatives for sales.
Communicating w/ H-
1- No questions about OR, no spying. No reasoning talks.
2- Listen to him, listen to him, listen to him. Shut up and listen.
Long term goals- H will
1- Stop pshewing or blaming. This is all part of the detachment phase where we no longer "affect" one another. Acceptance and trust will return. The door opens to communication.
2- Call me to tell me things about his day. See something that reminds him of me that he'll have to tell me about.
3- OW/EA/ whatever it is will lose it's magic. Once he can have it he won't want it. The manure will start to stink. Sorry, a little mean here, huh? I have no control over this, so I'll just have to let go of it here.
4- Compliment me. Pay attention to me.
5- He will kiss me. He'll feel like it and just do it.
6- Want to try the M again.
Baby steps
1- Talk to me a lot. Call me about his day. Call me about his sadness. Call me about his happiness. Call me sweetie (on purpose, not to let it slip out, but really mean it). Tell me about someplace he went and what he saw. Want to hear my voice.
PATIENCE.
Sarah
Michele,
Just wanted to share this w/u. Yesterday my W went to lunch with my sister-in-law. When I got home from work, W asked me if I had mentioned anything about our sitch to my brother or sister-in-law. I said no, why (I haven't btw). She said that at lunch, SIL gave her a book about healing a marriage. I told W that I don't talk to anybody I know about OR or sitch (nobody in my family at least).
Anyway, we were going to the hockey game last night thanks to a friend and when I went out to empty out her car, I see the book my SIL gave her and it was....you got it, the DR It took all of my strength not to tell her that I've already read it and refer back to it often and how great it is. So, now I can only hope she reads it.
I just thought I would share this story. I LOL when I saw the book laying there on the seat of her car. Part of me also wonders if this is the answer to some of my prayers. Maybe if she reads it.......
Kenu
H said he wants to come home, does not want D, wants to fix OR. Stops at that says nothing else about OR. Said he wants to come see DD tomorrow when he gets off work. Asked him if he would like to have dinner with us when he brings her home. Says yes, asked me if I want to go out or cook. I told him I would cook (I know how tired he gets when he has been working) besides he didn’t know what time he would get off or rather he would be able to pick DD up after school. I wanted to make it easy for him to see us and eat a good dinner. Dinner was a disaster, I got myself too excited about him not wanting a D and wanting to work things out. I made to big a deal within myself and was left, at the end of the evening, disappointed. He wasn’t able to make it until late (I didn’t mind I was still excited that he had come), rushed through his dinner (made the announcement that he had to get back to work or his boss would get mad), and I allowed myself to get overwhelmed with negative thoughts (for instance; H doesn’t have boss he works for himself, H is lying he doesn’t really want to do anything wants me to fix it all by myself, H doesn’t care about my feelings, H doesn’t love me, etc.), H tried to kiss my cheek (I turned away, shouldn’t have I regret it), I grew quiet and lost my positive attitude when he announced his having to leave early. I paged him, H did not return call. I called HP and left message on machine, told him I appreciated his coming to dinner and spending time with us, I apologized for getting quiet, told him I had felt disappointed that he couldn’t stay longer, due to limited time, and I was at a loss for words. Told him I knew he was putting in long hours, to take care of himself and be sure to get some rest. Told him when he got home it was alright to call if he felt like it. He didn’t call…evening back-fired due to my inability to keep a positive attitude and positive thoughts. I need to set new goals.
New Goals
1. Work on obtaining a good attitude and keeping it.
2. Detach from H until I am able to obtain goal 1.
3. Act happy when H is around even when I am disappointed, keep smiling.
4. Let H approach me regarding spending time together.
5. Do not call or page H.
6. End calls first when he speaks to me.
7. Learn to be patient (what ever that is LOL).
8. Work on being happy with myself.
9. Spend lots of time doing things with DD.
10. Stop thinking about OR and start thinking about my relationship with me.
11. Stop having negative thoughts, when tempted, reverse and think of what is positive about the moment.
12. Find ways to make friends and have fun.
It is hard to not think about OR when I have no friends to spend fun time with, so I am now pursuing avenues of meeting people to make friendships. I have one new online friend which is helping. I have gone out a couple of nights alone which just made me feel more alone. I am going to join my sister’s prayer group (they meet once a week for bible study and dinner, I missed it last night). Thought about joining a singles club in my area, but not sure if that would be a good idea when I am seeking friendship only. I need to figure out a way to get H to help financially, he has not offered and the financial strain alone is getting to me. Any suggestions on an approach to financial matters without making H feel guilty would be much appreciated.
Since my wife left to another country very angry and now she only talks with kids and not at all with me these are my goals.
First I will try to make her feel better and not angry.
I plan to hire a clown and sent him to her with a big cart saying. "you are special!!! just to make you laugh."
Once a week sent her letters about the kids.
I am going to sent a present to a relative of hers that she likes very much and we did sent him a present while she was here because she asked me to do it.
For first time I am going to ask the kids to phone her because they have never did this before.
Sent her some new jokes that I know she like jokes.
She is going to take the message but in a different way. How about that???????
I am going to do now everything that would be totally uncharacteristic of me handling the situation this far.
That is the plan for now since she has already left to another continent and not much I can do.
Is it possible Miscell????
jwhetnc- You conversation sounds not good, GREAT! It sure does sound as if she's thinking things through in a positive way. Keep up the great work.
PDK,
I don't often answer email personally because I get so much of it, but I do remember your email. I recall that your letter did not threaten or offer an ultimatum that is the true Dobson style. You just released her. That's different. If I remember incorrectly, let me know.
Shay,
Your goals are great. Focus on them. Work on them and you'll be another success story around here. You go girl!
Patrik,
Have you tried the things you've mentioned or are you just thinking about doing them? If you have sent the clown, how has she responded? I know it must be incredibly hard being so far away from her. Do you have the kids or does she?
Kenu,
No one ever said that doing what you set out to do will be easy. You have to do it anyway. I'm glad writing things down helps you. It's a good thing to do.
lostlove,
If your husband is more interested in working on your marriage, it is time to test the waters by your occasionally being more interested in him. See how he reacts if you call once in a while or ask him to do something. If he hesitates, drop it immediately and don't do that again for a while. You have to approach this like trial-and-error. Okay? Experiment a bit.
You goals are good but, What will you be doing differently when you have gotten over OW? And one more thing, your son's relationship with your h is different than your relaitonship with your h. You should encourage your sone to have a relationship with his father. He should call him even if you aren't calling him. Okay? the rest of your goals look great.
Serenity Sarah,
It seems unfortunate that someone as wonderful and smart as you, someone who really in her heart and soul GETS the DB ideas, is finding herself having to let go of her marriage. I think for now, it makes sense that you handled things this way and in fact, it may open up possibilities for moving forward with your h in better ways. But I understand how hard this has been for you. Yet, you are incredibly resilient. You don't waste a moment. You pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get yourself back on track
pronto. I'm not sure what will happen next in your life, but I am sure good things will come your way. Glad you're working on your new goals and staying solution-focused. I'm not a bit surprised. Hang in there.
PDK- advice? You said it yourself. Let your wife initiate any and all connections. She probably freaked up that she approached you the other day. relax, you're in for more ups and downs.
Kenu,
What a funny story. Life is filled with coincidences. Or are they really coincidences? I think not. Hmm.....
BurnandServe,
Mostly, I want to comment on your goals. They;re right on. You need to be positive in his presence and hold back your fear or resentment. He's not real receptive to it right now. You can do it . I also like your plan to meet friends. Stay away from singles groups, it will get too complicated right now.
What happens when you talk to you h about money?
Michele
Quote:
What happens when you talk to your h about money?
H says he will bring me the money, gives me a time that he will bring it, then doesn't show. He doesn't offer an explaination or mentions it again. If I ask again, or ask if he forgot, he says he knows I need it, sets up a new time to bring it, and still doesn't show. He did ask DD (she's nine) if she needed money...of course she said no. I do not want to make him angry or feel guilty, however my resources are very limited (we own a small business, this was our only source of income, he took it when he left, and is hiding the fact he is still doing business). I have gotten a job but it pays very little plus I had to invest in an automobile because he did not leave us one. I now have a car payment and car insurance on top of all the other household expense. I have thought about filing for temporary support and maintenance...but I do not want a divorce and I'm afraid if I go that route he will surely file.
He also tells DD he will come pick her up after school, then doesn't show leaving her without someone here to tend to her. I have took steps to see to it someone is here to take care of her in case he doesn't show but it is taken its toll on DD and she is having crying spells, thinking no one loves her. I have reassured her that I love her very much...but I know it is not my love she is worried over. I have talked to her school counselor in hopes that she may be able to help her, but so far DD isn't opening up to her at all.
I know if I could take care of these two situations, I could be more positive about my future R with H and keep on top of my goals. He is making it very difficult.
My goals of a couple of weeks ago were:
- W will call/email me just to say hi or chat about nothing in particular
- W will say something complimentary (e.g. you look nice)
- W will suggest having lunch or dinner sometime
- W will come to me to discuss work problems etc..
- W will send me a birthday card
Well I got the birthday card (yippee!) so I'll revise that to be:
- W will send me a Christmas card
I would probably also have had a longer term goal of W talking about coming home by Christmas. However following a conversation we had last night (initiated by her) about a Financial Settlement which led into D and OR etc., I think that's a long shot. She seems determined that she won't risk going back to feeling the way she did when we were together. Not sure if it's fear, stubbornness or pride! She seems convinced that family life is not for her. And it seems to be more the "family" that she is running away from, rather than "me".
Anyway - my goals are there. Progress towards them is good. But even if I achieve them all we will just be "friends". The dinner date invite would be more significant, but optimism eludes me at present!
Thank you Miscell.
The kids are with me. And I really do not understand how is she going to afford this pain. Is she going to be satisfied to see her kids 10 days/year?? For you to understand in the end of the year 1999 we
decided to move from USA to another continent. The idea was me with the kids move first and wife after 3-4 months. When we did move my wife seemed ok. She was calling us and she waited very much to
finish and come with us. After the 6 months she called and said that she was not finished yet and she needed another year and she continued saying this until Nov 2002. Then she came with us. We rented a
house and bought all the furniture. She was acting in a very strange way. She did not touching me at all, and I was not saying anything. After 3 months she told me that she came just for the kids that she
does not love me any more and pushed me to find a girlfriend. I was so angry and then she told me that she had un affair with OM in her job in USA. She said that it was nothing serious bu after I
investigated I fount that it was very serious with hotels, trips, and commitments that some day they will live together. He is also married and My W had a lot of mess with his wife and D. After that I let her
know that I new all of her moves and his as well. She was feeling like a mouse in a trap. She did not douche me for the rest of the 10 months and never committed to work on our M. She was insisting that
she is not going anywhere and that she was going to stay just for the kids. After 10 months she could not stand any more and asked me to give her money for a ticket to go back. I was insisting to stay but
finally I said Ok. When she left I contact her parents in another country and let them know about everything. She was pissed off. Now she is calling only the kids and she is very angry with me. I have sent
her letters just analyzing my ideas and some mobile messages. She responded with a message like for me to stop harassing her and that the only common thing between us are the kids. I stop messaging
and now I am just sending letters about the kids and some jokes. She never complained for the letters. I do not even know if she is reading those. She also said to a common friend here that she stop the A
with the OM!!!Now for the first time she starts asking the kids if the house is clean if they have put quills on the beds etc. Now I thought about the clown since in your book you suggesting new ways of
giving the messages. I do not want yet to go to 180 because that is going to be my last choice and chance. She also gave me the feeling (before living) that she wanted to come and go in our home when she
was going to visit and I said No. Now she wants to come in Chr as she told the kids and I do not know what to do When the kids are asking her if she is going to stay with us she responds No because your
father do not want. She is saying to them that everything is finished and asking them to stop talk about this R from now on. They are only 10 and 12 years old. Believe me is very difficult for me to reach my
goals isn't it?? Do you have any ideas or it seems like everything is finished??? When I was sending roses and presents to her wile here she was so upset. She asked a friend to tell me not to. She did not
want to celebrate any important dates like anniversary my bds etc. She was like addicted to him. She had his sleep cloths wile here and she also had some of his underwear's. It was like a hell for me.
Sorry for the long post
Mishell but maybe your expertise are my last chance and I am so far away to contact you in a different way.
Thank you in advance.
Well, my backsliding at the dinner really hurt OR. He is now back to not knowing what he wants to do. He says he has nothing anymore, no home, no family, nothing. Says all he has is his truck. Says he doesn't know what to do to fix things, said he guesses "we just grew apart", that "he doesn't want to live like this anymore". I do not understand how a man can want to marry after a 10 yr relationship and then 2 months into the marriage feels we have grown apart! What is that all about? I shouldn't have told him, but I did, that he has a home and a family. He said he does not feel like I want him here...ARGH!!! I said I understood (of course nothing could be further from the truth). I asked him what he wanted from me right now. He said time. I am praying, with this time that I give him, he does not make the wrong decision. I am sticking to my goals, I am doing it for me. I know what I want, he doesn’t know what he wants. I cannot slay his dragons for him, but I can slay mine. I do feel better knowing this is his issue and not mine. I do not feel guilty about his leaving anymore, it was his decision and it will ultimately be his decision on where OR goes from here.
Hi Michele, I appreciate that you had anwer my e-mail, I can imagine that you are pretty busy. You are right I only sit her free, it was not a threatening letter at all. On the other point about letting her call the shots on the sexual issues--I will. Realize that I am in for a bumpy ride. Had three of our four kids sick this morning with stomach flue. I am also sick. W decided to take her friend to the mall and go shopping today. She was more concern about picking out the right shirt to wear and how her pants fit then how the kids were. Told me that there was soup in the kitchen if anyone got hungry. Pretty hard but I told her to have a good time. This is not the woman I married and have knew for the past 18 years. Needless to say I am strapping in for a bumpy ride. Thanks PKD
I have to thank you for your encouragement, Michelle. I did ask my H to come and help take care of our pup; he did, and called me at work to tell me about it and HE initiated a small but significant OR talk in which he told me he missed me (but said he doesn't know what that means), told me OW is not replacing me emotionally at all (was VERY insistent about that), and said that he thinks about me and misses me more now than in the early stages of our separation (he left in Jan., referred to March/April). I realized that I registered on the DB bb on April 13--Could it be that he's "textbook" DR?
Just kidding--but only sort of.
But it helps me to set some goals. Baby-step goals, but goals all the same:
1) H and I will have more regular and similarly open contact through his sharing of the dog responsiblities.
2) We will continue to ride out his MLC at 33 years old (I was his first and only GF before OW--I had had other R's before) and not make any hard and fast decisions until we both are sure about who we are and what we want.
3) I will not be afraid to ask for help when I need it (I was always the "parent" role in our R).
4) He will feel safe telling me how he feels (like he did when he said "I miss you, but I don't know what that means) and continue to do so as he works through his feelings.
5) I will not blame him or express anger about his confusion.
6) He will initiate a social outing with just the two of us sometime in the next month or so.
Does that sound reasonable? Too weak or too pushy? Just wondering... Thanks for your help!
Edna
Michele,
I am seriously starting to question my W and our whole M. She got into a serious discussion with my sister the other night and said something about she had been drunk when we got engaged 6 years ago, and said that she thought she rushed into things. One of my friends told me that she had said the same thing a few years ago to her, and that she had gone on to say that she had felt obligated to marry me and make it work. Before she left she had said something about not staying here and pretending...
I truly thought my W loved me all this time, and now am beginning to wonder. She contradicts herself in conversations with me. I asked her if she was so confusing because she just really didn't know how she feels, or if it was because she wanted out and didn't want to hurt me. She said a little of both. That sometimes she wants it to be over, and other times she begins to miss me and think of working on the M - then she gets around me and can't wait to get away again. My C says that is because I probably approach her with the mentality that I want to drag her back to my cave - and that she picks up on that. W says she is leaning more towards just ending things.
I am really confused and disillusioned by her words and actions. Is it possible that she was pretending for some time to be in the M? If she didn't care - wouldn't she just let go and move on?
jw,
you'll drive yourself crazy with all those thoughts, and it won't be helpful. trust your instincts in the past that the love you thought you had, you actually had. and can reawaken.
what if....you wake up today and a miracle occurred and everything was the way you wanted it to be. how would you be acting...what would you be doing, what would you be saying....start there.
jwhetnc:
I really don't want to tell you what to think or do, but I share a similar thought pattern where I can multi-analyze, think, plan as all human beings. Let me say how what goes on in my head:
Analyze- does he love me, do I love him, did I ever, what is love? are we soulmates? Although this is a wonderful mind bending activity and food for conversation, it is something that does not offer solutions.
Becoming solution oriented - Draw up plans of actions for a specific means. When I waver off track, revisit where I want to be headed and what I can do to find my way back again.
I can't do anything about the past. I can apologize, analyze, learn from it, but I can do nothing about it. I can do something about right now, set goals for myself.
Anyway, although our brains are multi-functional, the object here is to determine what we want and then derive goals to attain that. I have analyzed and pondered for 2 yrs now and it has gotten me no where. Learn from me there at least. I try to break down the layers. I know we are ultimately a combination of the layers, but I find it helpful to separate out the parts when I am confused and address the issues I am not not confused about (I want my H do give the M another try). I can write down what behaviors on my part enable this to happen, and which ones sabbotage it. I can measure the amount of change that must occur. I really like the part about acting as if everything in your life were great - what would you be doing? what would you be saying (that's more what I need to look at). what would my tone be? would I really care what everyone else says about what my H did or said to them, or what their interpretation is? don't I have enough self-awareness and belief in who I am to decide for myself? did you like yourself better when you and your w first got together?
A long time ago I became quite fat. I stayed that way throughout college. Dieting didn't work. Praying to God didn't work - if I were just thin I would eat thin I said. So, I decided to eat like a thin person (ate all my vegies, my salad, then meat and finally the bread at every meal). I exercised every day. It took a very long time (yrs) but I became thin. I have been thin ever since. Here's just a concrete example of how if we change our behaviors, we can become that person.
Sarah
Quote:
what if....you wake up today and a miracle occurred and everything was the way you wanted it to be. how would you be acting...what would you be doing, what would you be saying....start there.
If that happened I would start by kissing and holding my W. Then, I would make sure that each and every day I made her feel important - but without smothering her. I would give her space and freedom to be herself. I would treat her as an equal partner in our M, and respect her.
I only wish I had that opportunity.
Quote:
Although this is a wonderful mind bending activity and food for conversation, it is something that does not offer solutions.
You know, you are right. I just read something the other day that I copied down which said that obsessing over mind-reads (that don't mean a thing) is a colossal waste of time. I've got to stop doing that and stick to what I do know. I've got to be more solution oriented. Thanks for helping me to get back on the wagon.
Back to the goals:
My goals: Career, work a little harder.
Kids, on track.
Projects, doing good here.
My side biz: make some more prototypes, cost the product out. It's ok to fail - but I probably won't. Set the steps. When finished with one, go to the next. Then you've succeeded.
H's goals.
Build the trust. See what's working when he calls me. Write it down in the solution journal. What behavior was different? What was the same. What worked? Make interactions positive, but detach from the reactions, blaming, hissing - don't fuel the fire here. Let them subside.
He still wants me sexually. Let this spill into wanting me for other reasons.
He knows I've changed. He knows that the impetus for my change was him leaving, but let him realize the change is there forever.
Mandatory do's and don'ts: Remember these are all behaviors indicative of a self-fulfilled person.
1-No OR talk. No D talk.
2- Listen to what H is really saying. Don't focus on me and how it affects ME when he's talking. Listen. If I don't know what to say, don't say anything. Listen. Learn.
3- Feel good about myself. I'm a good person. I'm funny, I'm beautiful, inside and out, I'm intelligent - keep this up.
4- Stay away from conversations where people tell me what to do. Even my very best friends.
BurnNServe- Try writing him a letter, explaining how you don't want to do this through legal means, but you really do need financial support and if he doesn't help out, you will have to do something to protect your daughter's well-being.
And speaking of that, if he isn't consistent about picking her up when he says he will, he should be permitted to have that opportunity. children need to feel taken care of and you need to have a back up plan so she doesn't get left alone. This is a hard time for everyone, especially her. You can be nice, but you must be firm.
Patrik,
I know you are feeling lots of pain and that you feel desperate. I can't imagine what it must be like for you and your kids to be so far away from your wife and their mother. But that is the situation. You need to give her some space. No more flowers. Let her call the kids. Give her room. It's good that she will come for a visit. If you give her space, she might be more willing to consider staying around longer because she won't feel pressured.
In the mean time though, you have to take better care of your self and make sure that your kids feel that there is someone to talk to about this awful situation. do they have grandparents or other family members around? This is very traumatic for them. But do not say bad things about their mother, even if you feel that way. They need you to be strong and dependable.
so, even though this is difficult, you have to focus on you- build your life- and your children. Hopefully, she will snap out of this soon. Keep posting.
Breen,
glad you made some progress toward your goals! That's great. You've got to remember to take one day at a time. I know it's hard, but do it anyway. Remember, you got your birthday card.
PDK,
I'm glad you're putting your seat belt on. I wish your road was much smoother. Your situation sounds really tough but I can hear your determination. THat's good. Keep your eyes on the goal. Keep DBing.
Edna,
Your goals sound great, really great. I'm a little nervous about #6, but concentrate on the other five for now. Let's talk about 6 later!
jw,
sgctxok is right. Turst your instincts about the past. I have often written about the fact that unhappy people tend to rewrite history. They are seeing things through distorted lenses. Even if their past doubts were legitimate, chances are they are reallyl blowing them out of proportion. Depresed people see things through depressed lenses. That's just how it goes. So stop driving yourself nuts- like sg says- and focus on what to do next.
serenity sarah,
I really like your advice to jw and to yourself for that matter! I especially like your do's and don'ts. they are very specific. So, when your husband's desire for you starts spilling over to other areas, what will he be doing? Remember, baby steps.
Michele
Just a quickie update on my goal of starting communication again with my WAH:
It's been over a week since I contacted H with no response. My birthday is Thursday, will see if he contacts me then. If not, I will have to create new goals. I did reach one goal- I haven't obsessed the last week and a half!
Kept busy, didn't give it much thought, focused on my new life, and didn't freak out when he didn't reply. Major step for me. So I accomplished 1 of my 2 major immediate goals. Now onto the communication goal, no clue on that one. Sent him a box of stuff that I mentioned this spring (when I was communicating before I went dark), not a box of his stuff, just some stuff I had made for him. Along with a nice letter with no pursuing. Don't know if he was surprised and doesn't know what to say or if he's irritated that I bothered him (the first time in months, no less!). Having no communication truly is extremely hard to DB with - no clue on where I stand or how he feels. I guess I will just wait a bit longer and see what happens so I can change my goals accordingly.
Thank you Miscell,
Yes we have some family members around from my side only and in the beginning we used to go to my mother to eat and spent most of the afternoon. We mostly used our house for sleeping. For the last
two weeks me started to cook at home for us and we go to my mom's only the weekends for me to get some chance to go little bit out with friends. My mother and father in law just called them once 11/2
month ago and kids asked them why don't they help to bring their mother back. They just said to kids to let W to calm down and then they are going to see. But they never called again.
What do you thing about my goals since is difficult for me to do visible changes. Any suggestions will be appreciated.
Thanks Michele. I've decided to try and stop worrying myself and dwelling on everything. I realize that I need to stay away from the negative and concentrate on the positive. After all, she indicates that she hasn't given up entirely.
She told me that sometimes she thinks the M is over, but then when she doesn't see or talk to me for a while she begins to miss me and think about working things out. The problem is, when she does see me - then she can stand to be around me and can't wait to get away from me. My C said that he believes that is because I approach her with this desperate "drag her back to my cave attitude", and that is what scares her off.
So, I intend to try to do the following:
In order to give my W time to miss me and think about the M I will:
1 - Have faith that there is a bond between my W and I, and believe that she can and will come to me in her own good time if I will just sit back and let allow her to think.
2 - Be patient and give her the time and space she needs in order to figure things out - without my pressuring her.
3 - Keep my mind occupied - and enrich my life by:
a) working on projects at the house
b) spending time re-cultivating my friendships
c) working on my own issues so that I can be a better partner to my W when she does decide she wants to work things out.
So that I do not repeat the behaviors that pushes my W away when she does see me:
1 - When my W does call me I will act "as if" everything is normal between us and try to keep the conversation light and pleasant. That means no R talk on my part. If she wants to talk, I will attempt to keep it brief.
2 - If I do have the opportunity to see my W, I will relax my mind, attempt to push our problems aside, and just simply enjoy her company.
3 - I will try to limit the length and frequency of our conversations or times spent together, so that we will have a better chance of keeping these encounters on a positive level.
Thanks again Michelle!
Hi Michele, Quick update on goal setting.
1) doing okay with not saying ILY
2) doing okay with taking oldest d and youngest s to
church.
3) making good inroads on weight loss (from 48 jeans to 40
jeans--since August).
4) making okay results w small gifts for past anniversary
Bonus have oldest d help with selection. Gives me some
extra time with her and let's her know that I value her
opinion.
5) Just finish reading 5 Languages of Love (Thanks Breen)
6) Going to carve pumpkins tonight with my boys.
7) Last night wife sharing stories about attention she has
received recently from other men. I agree she was
getting in great shape and I always thought she was
good looking.
7) Late last night, my w decided it was okay to have sex.
Needless to say, I never know what I should say.
Probably best not to say anything and not mention it
later.
8) Once again, I'm strapping in on this roller coaster.
Any thoughts are suggestions are always welcome. Confused
PKD
Michele-
One reason why sharing on this board is helpful is that you can sometimes focus on problem-solving, not for your personal situation, but for others which takes the emotional charge away, and lets you still work on your issues.
Another helpful comment was focusing on baby steps, in fact, celebrating them. Specifically, what would I be seeing/hearing when H shows more interest in me other than for sex . I have to remember, who he is, what he does, and not to delevop baby steps that are out of character for him. He would call me to share with me. He would joke with me. He would flirt with me. Exactly how?
1- He would remember I have a meeting today and ask how it went.
2- He would tell me something about work. How the progress is.
3- He would tell me something about his feelings.
4- This is a big one: He would ask me my opinion, showing respect for me and my thoughts, values, judgements.
Why is this so hard? Why is TIME on my side?
Sarah
Quote:
Try writing him a letter, explaining how you don't want to do this through legal means, but you really do need financial support and if he doesn't help out, you will have to do something to protect your daughter's well-being.
And speaking of that, if he isn't consistent about picking her up when he says he will, he should be permitted to have that opportunity. children need to feel taken care of and you need to have a back up plan so she doesn't get left alone. This is a hard time for everyone, especially her. You can be nice, but you must be firm.
Thanks Michele for the letter writing idea that will be a good resort before going the legal route. I have notice some baby steps since implementing my goals (sticking to them like glue, its hard but appears to be getting easier for me). I am going to give H another week (I can handle the financial situation for at least four more) to see if perhaps he comes to the conclusion himself that he needs to support his DD. I feel this way he will view it as his own idea and not assume that I think he is not looking out for her well-being. After one week, if no support given freely, I will write the letter.
Regarding H inability to keep his word about picking up DD, I was one step ahead from the beginning. Keeping his promises is one of the things we argued about before he walked out. I did not ever leave DD without a backup, and will not in the future until he has changed this part about himself.
I wish to elaborate and keep you abreast of my goals and what I did to accomplish those goals and their outcome.
1. Work on obtaining a good attitude and keeping it. ACTION / OUTCOME: I have found that by accomplishing goal # 8 I am able to accomplish goal # 1.
2. Detach from H until I accomplish goal one. ACTION / OUTCOME: Making my self happy seems to be the key to detaching. Now when H calls to speak with DD I don’t seem to mind when he doesn’t ask to speak to me. I also have found that by being happy with myself has made it easier for me when H leaves from visits. Is it wrong to feel anxious for him to leave so I can get back to doing things I like to do alone? Or, is this a baby step for me?
3. Act happy when H is around even when I am disappointed, keep smiling. ACTION / OUTCOME: By keeping myself occupied with things I like to do when H isn’t visiting DD I have found I am less disappointed and actual enjoy the thought of him spending time with DD. On Sunday when he visited he told DD he would pick her up after school to look for pumpkin and take it back to HP to carve. Since this is something we have always done together, I was surprised that I found it a wonderful idea because he wanted to spend quality time with DD and didn’t even focus on the fact I was not invited, at least not at first (more later).
4. Let H approach me regarding spending time together. ACTION / OUTCOME: This one was easy, decided not to set myself up for disappointment so made no efforts to invite him to do anything or to include me in any plans. Kept cheerful and ears opened when he was speaking to me on Sunday. I was in an excellent mood. Not because he was visiting but because I had fun Friday night and felt confident. H told DD as he was walking out the door, perhaps we should wait till mommy gets home and bring pumpkin back here to carve. (hehehe) also gave me small peck on cheek. Baby step, yes?
5. Do not call or page H. ACTION / OUTCOME: Didn’t even have the desire to this week. Hope I can keep it up. He has been calling now and asks to speak to me. (Baby step?) I am updating this goal to include not to always be available to come to phone when he does ask to speak to me. Good or bad idea?
6. End calls first when he speaks to me. ACTION / OUTCOME: I have kept the conversations he has had with me on phone to a minimum. He has been asking what I am doing and what my plans are…I do not elaborate much and have been making a point to change the conversation over to what I was doing at the time of the call (for instance tucking DD into bed for the night).
7. Learn to be patient (what ever that is LOL). ACTION / OUTCOME: This was a quality about me that I always had until H left. I must have regained it, because even my boss mentioned to me how patient I am. <patting self on back>
8. Work on being happy with myself. ACTION / OUTCOME: I have found that when I start getting worked up on my sitch (due to too much thought) I take brisk walks and think about the good things I know about my self. I am starting to feel like my own coach…you know, pep talks. It is working for me. Helps me maintain goal #1.
9. Spend lots of time doing things with DD. ACTION / OUTCOME: Monday I helped DD with a project she had due at school, Tues. we played CD’s and danced (she had lots of fun with this one wants to do it again), Wed. read her some of her favorite scary books, Thurs. took her to her favorite restaurant and invited her cousin to go along, Friday let her spend the night with cousin, Sat. took her to fall festival at school and then we rented a video that H told DD she would like (bet we watched it 5 times before we fell asleep on couch, Sunday she played with her friends until her dad arrived. I noticed she seemed in good spirits this week…no crying spells.
10. Stop thinking about OR and start thinking about my relationship with me. ACTION / OUTCOME: I must confess I did think a little bit about OR but I kept positive thoughts mainly thought about my faults in the breakdown and what I planned to do to change those faults. I did not dwell on those thoughts only sought solutions.
11. Stop having negative thoughts, when tempted, reverse and think of what is positive about the moment. ACTION / OUTCOME: This one actually works to keep me on track and to keep me in a good mood. I may incorporate this into every sitch I run across.
12. Find ways to make friends and have fun. ACTION / OUTCOME: This was not as hard as I thought it would be. With no friends to spend time with I assumed I could not have fun. However I have found that I actually enjoy doing some things alone. I love to research family trees and have set aside time during the week to dig deeper to find missing links. I have found a few clues to follow up on. That will take some time and perhaps a trip. DD loves the trips, thinks it is cool to have picnics in graveyards. I also went out Friday night to see my nephew perform karaoke at a local pub. I despise going to pubs without my H (hate to be approached by men in these places) so I made it a point to hang out with my nephew’s friends. I laughed the whole night and really enjoyed much of the talent from the locals. Nephew’s friends let all who approached me know that I was a married woman and we joked the whole night of how easily H could be replaced if he never comes to his senses. Made me feel good to know I am still attractive.
I am not setting new goals as of yet. I will continue to work on these goals until I know I have them down to a tee before moving to bigger goals. I want to make sure I am okay with myself and my sitch before going any further. You are truly an inspiration Michele, your work is wonderful and even if my sitch doesn’t turn out the way I want, your techniques are helping me to cope. Thankyou.
BurnNServe
I want H to start trying to make contact w/ our son (18) It's been 3 weeks and he hasn't even tried to call him once. he says he doesn't want a confrontation.
I want him to pay attention to me when he sees me.
I want him to come to the house just to hang out like he did once before. I could tell he was missing home.
I want him to call just to see how I am w/ no specific reason
I have been here before, but am New again. My goal right now is since my H moved out, and wants ME out, that the first goal is that he would want to talk to me again. I don't know if that is specific enough or too specific or even unrealistic.
Here are my work-in-progress:
1. I will take care myself mentally and physically
2. I will learn a few new hobbies - Tennis and piano
3. I will write to W once a week about an interesting observation
4. I hope W calls at least once a week to see how I was doing
5. I want to ask W to dinner to our house once a week or two and find something fun to do together (play piano, listening to music, talking about her fun exerience, and I'll try to be humorous and understanding)
6. I want her to stop talking about D or OR (has been so far a week or so).
7. If W wants to talk about OR, I will keep an open mind and listen; also I'll tell her how much I felt for her and our marriage (need to prepare script).
8. I hope W will continue her individual counseling and come to couple counseling with me.
Any suggestions?
Chuck
Short term goals
1. Lost 30 pounds. Keep it off but continue at Gym
2. Give wife space. Only talk about kids if required
3. Improve domestic skills( My wife was a stay at home Mom who did most of this)
4.Ensure kids get through all of this the best I can. Put them first
5. Continue to find outside interset like sports
6. Accept what is happening and learn
7.Start working on long term goals like better communication with women, undersatnding their needs,etc. Find other areas of improvement that I can make in me.
Hi CREATES!
"I want him to pay attention to me when he sees me."
What things could you do that might help insure that he'll pay attention to you? What things could you do different?
How will you dress? What non-OR things could you talk about? What are some of his interests that he passionate about, that you could show him that you're interested in, that you want to learn more about from him?
What could you do different, a 180 maybe, that would "grab" his attention, even briefly?
How will you respond when he DOES pay attention to you? How will you let him know when "he's doing it right"?
My short term goals for the month of November:
1. Get moved into my new house and get comfortable in the new space with unpacking and decorating.
2. Continue with my individual counseling.
3. Go to a Divorce Care support group.
4. Go to church and bible study every Sunday.
5. Start exercising by walking and lifting weights.
6. Start a new hobby, like private pilot lessons and/or golf.
7. Work on my self esteem and my negative thoughts.
8. Continue to work on myself to be a better man, person, teacher, son, and husband.
9. Ask friends to do things, be more assertive in making friends and hanging out with my current friends.
10. Finally, I will not contact my W since she wants 30 days of no contact. Even if I feel like talking to her I will call a friend or family or go for a walk. I will not disrespect this boundary she has set.
Hi, Update on November goal.
1. Have date with w to go out and eat tonight.
2. Keep date light and fun
3. Continue to get caught up on missed wedding
anniversaries. Up to 11th.
4. Continue to spend more time with kids.
5. Continue to spend more time working on spirtuality
6. Read a new book this week.
1.Have wife ask me to her place for dinner.
2.Spend Xmas together with our son.
3.Try to get her to be honest with me about OM
4.Stop thinking about what she is doing and start thinking about what I am doing.
5.Accept the fact that we are separated.
6.Stop feeling the need to control the things outside my control.
7. Start enjoying life and myself again
/ Paddy
I often refer back to the basics in Advice for Newcomers. I just read what someone had written ("showing the path to changing the WAY you deliver messages as opposed to recommending that you necessarily change heartfelt messages"). I understand this to mean how to deliver messages differently, in the workds of my H I didn't show him I loved him by the "way I spoke", "my tone" or that I didn't "show him respect". In other words it's not the content, it is the delivery. I'm not changing MYSELF, which is how I always interpretted his desires. Goals in showing love and respect:
1- Laugh at his jokes. But be authentic. Laugh at the funny ones, the ones I don't get, say "I don't get it" but with an understanding tone, not with a "I didn't get YOUR dumb joke".
2- When we're walking somewhere, don't drag my feet. Keep up the pace, with a purpose. I felt I was being controlled. He just wants to get somewhere. When you love someone, you want to walk beside them.
3- Pay attention. Don't play devil's advocate. Listen. His interpretation of me seeing the other side it me being a contrarian, or apathetic.
This is getting easier. Whether it's too late or not, only time will tell.
Sarah
Michele so far H has not offered any support therefore I am afraid I must now send the letter. Could you please advise if the following letter says to much...should I omit or add anything in particular?
Dear H
I am writing this letter asking for your financial help protecting DD’s well-being. Up to this time I have left you the option of helping us financially, trusting that you would make the right decision regarding her welfare. I know that you need time in regards to OR, and I understand your need for that time, however I must look out for DD, she needs your support as much as mine. I do not want to go through legal means, because I know you are a good man and I trust that your final decision will be what is right in regards to our family.
When you told DD that we are not getting a divorce, but are taking this time apart to figure out how to fix it, left me with the understanding that this is truly what you mean. Having stated that, I would appreciate your financial help otherwise you will leave me no other option but to seek legal advice. I trust you to do what is right so that we can avoid involving the court system.
Sincerely
BurnNserve
Well good news, I do not have to send the letter after all, H came through tonight all on his own. I knew I married a good man, sometimes I just seem to lose sight of that fact.
Tonight H said he just doesn't want anyone to be mad at him anymore (I thought H was mad at me) that he wants to come home, he just needs time to figure out what to do to make things right. H asked me if I was getting tired of waiting on him and if I was going to give up on him if he takes too long. I hope I did not slip when I told him that he is my H and it takes as long as it takes, that I trust him and have put my faith in him. I told him that I would never give up unless his happiness required me to do so.
He wants to start going out together (his suggestion) and spending some time alone, just the two of us. I told him to call me when he is ready to begin. No kissing, no hugging me bye, no ILY's, but it sure felt good. A big baby step, trusting him not to step too far back, but preparing myself just in case he does.
It is time to focus on a set of new goals, I will keep them small so not to set myself up for disspointment or failure. I will post them in a day or two once I have time to give them some thought.
I want to thank you again Michele, your techniques seem to work much better than the same ole things I kept trying. Finding your book in the library and this BB has been a godsend for me.
BurnNServe
Congrats BurnNServe,
Slowlee, slowlee.
You're doing great! You are an inspiration for the rest of us.
Sarah
I know I've been away fromthis thread for a while and I will return, but I just want to tell BurnandServe how happy I am about the news!!! Fantastic. And I love the way you responded to his question about waiting...so confident and strong. Yeah!!! Yup, sure is time for some new goals. How wonderful!
Michele
Michele
Quote:
I just want to tell BurnandServe how happy I am about the news!!! Fantastic
Thanks! It is really a slow and hard process fixing the messes we allow ourselves to get into. I am still working on the new goals, been so busy with other things in my life I haven't had much time to work toward them yet.
However more goood news, H asked me to go to dinner with him tonight. Only thing he has picked the restuarant we visited the night before he left. Thinking positive....LOL
Guess what? Got the kiss. H came home from work; I'm at the house w/ the kids. I stayed for dinner. He went upstairs to talk on the phone (XOW I think, who cares anyway, huh yuck). He asked me to sit outside on the front porch to talk. So we philosophized a bit. Well, I did the "show myself" goal, which is about being more articulate and less responsive, accepting who I am, what I feel. Anyway, he comes to kiss me. I kind of let it happen, don't really go there. I'm playing it cool, showing who I am, not getting involved in the million possible OW's there are in the world, asking what he thinks about things, being confident, saying a nice thing here or there. Next goal, he asks me out (to the movies, for a walk, no- that's too easy, just the two of us, dinner), AND he calls me up to talk, to feel good about himself/us.
Too big? nah, he's ready, I'm ready
Sarah
Wonderful!!!!! sweet!!!!! you're the bomb!!!!! good job!!!! gotta love it!!!!
Quoting BurnNServe:
Michele
</font><blockquote><font class="small">Quote:</font><hr />
I just want to tell BurnandServe how happy I am about the news!!! Fantastic
Thanks! It is really a slow and hard process fixing the messes we allow ourselves to get into. I am still working on the new goals, been so busy with other things in my life I haven't had much time to work toward them yet.
However more goood news, H asked me to go to dinner with him tonight. Only thing he has picked the restuarant we visited the night before he left. Thinking positive....LOL
great! and you can change the memory
Quoting BurnNServe:
Michele
</font><blockquote><font class="small">Quote:</font><hr />
I just want to tell BurnandServe how happy I am about the news!!! Fantastic
Thanks! It is really a slow and hard process fixing the messes we allow ourselves to get into. I am still working on the new goals, been so busy with other things in my life I haven't had much time to work toward them yet.
However more goood news, H asked me to go to dinner with him tonight. Only thing he has picked the restuarant we visited the night before he left. Thinking positive....LOL
great! and you can change the memory/feeling associated with that place
Goal update:
My goals, on track, work a bit harder, do some more projects, go shopping! Start caring about ME.
H's goals:
1- Another kiss. and another, ad infinitim.
2- He calls me to tell me about his day. He starts reaching out to me, trusting me.
3- A previous goal, which I don't know makes sense, is that he calls me and asks my opioion. I am trying to think if he ever used to do that. I would have to say the answer is no. In OR he would call to tell me about his day, his thoughts. Hmm. Maybe that's what I felt lacking in OR.
4- Invites me to a movie. This is a big one.
5- Invites me to a work party. Invites me to his family's party. HUGE.
6- Keep being solution oriented. What works, what doesn't?
Sarah
Can you tell me how I can set goals under my sitch? things have changed since I first started posting (changed rapidly) could you stop by my post & offer any advice? Thanks
Jserode
Sarah, sarah, sarah,
You got a baby step ( a kiss) and you are ready for full reconciliation. You have been warned about this, they make a baby step towards you and then they have to step back again. Now H is signing his emails "X" again instead of his name. So, let's set some realistic baby steps that can happen in the next week or two.
My goals:
Career, kids, projects.
NO OR, OW talks.
As soon as there is a remote possiblitity of the blame and anger rising, end the conversation... gotta go>
H's goals
1- He calls me and tells me about his day.
2- another Kiss.
My goals.
1) receive some unprovoked affection.
2) use the DBing techniques with out messing up.
3) show (not tell) I have changed.
4) show my kids, I am still here.
5) show my W why she loved me before (without smothering).
6) keep focused the future.
Hey, what’s up with this?
H just called me at work (never does this except to tell me he wants to pick DD up after school) he asked me what I was doing. I told him working then stated that I thought he had left to go on his hunting trip. He said; well we got the camper stuck in the yard and we are just now leaving. I said oh, okay. He said well I just wanted to call and say bye and to let you know I will be back on Friday. Okay, have fun <scratching my head>. Tell DD I love her. Okay will do.
I’ve been working on new goals. Are they too vague?
1. Continue working on first 12 goals. These help me to focus on me and my happiness with my life. H has been spending more time with me in the last few weeks and has made an effort to contact me for conversation and dinner. Allowed me to seduce him and stayed the night. H ran like a frightened puppy the next morning…LOL
2. Let H initiate any further intimacy. Continue to always look my best even when he is not around. Let H feel like he is being naughty when getting caught staring at me.
3. Finish working on the new décor inside the house until finished. H noticed changes to décor and made a comment regarding liking the new concept. H refers to the home as mine (meaning me) and not ours.
4. Re-enforce to H that home is ours. Whenever he comments about household items and home as mine (meaning me) correct him and say; you mean ours. I don’t really want to correct him, I only want to re-enforce the idea that this is still considered his home. Bad idea? Is this pursuing?
5. Get medical help regarding hormone replacements. Find ways of getting the medical attention I need while trying to maintain household budget. Try to hold off until December when local health center can work me into schedule. They can give referrals if surgery or physician attention is necessary for the pain I am experiencing during intimacy.
6. If H continues giving me attention, play a little hard to get in order to get H to pursue me for a change. H has never pursued me in OR and has only said ILY once in ten years. I have made a decision that if I am not worthy of a little pursuit then he is not worthy of my love.
7. Listen and allow H to tell me about his R and plans with others. Reinforce his ideas for having a good time even though it does not include me (us). Allow him to continue to vent his concerns regarding his immediate family (do not comment, just listen and validate his concerns).
Goals for H
1. H will continue showing interest in me.
2. H will compliment me on my looks.
3. H will notice my changes and decide to change also.
4. H will initiate intimacy.
5. H will communicate with me about his feelings (something he only does with MIL).
6. H will tell me he loves me without being coached...LOL
7. H will decide he wants to come home.
8. H will make us the most important persons in his life.
9. H will defend me in my presence.
10. H will ask for a key.
11. H will tell me what he wants in OR.
12. H will ask what I want in OR.
13. And lastly (for now) H will ask me if he can put my weddings rings back on my hand.
Now I just have to figure out how I plan to get H to want to do all these things <scratching head> Oh well, guess I have plenty of time to figure it out.
BurnNServe
I was reading another's post and I was thinking some of their goals were really what I need and so with that, here goes:
1. I will continue to work on myself with a new attitude
2. I will continue to change the things that I brought to the marriage that caused problems: nagging, mistrust, controlling
3. I will not pressure my husband to talk to me if and when I see him
Goals:
1- Act as if I am a wonderful person, with a PMA.
by accepting H for who he is. i.e. when he says something, does something, say that's nice, that's interesting. No expectations which lead to disappointments, no critisizing, no guilt.
H's goals,
1- Calls me to get together
2- Kiss
3- stops the blame game
4- Listens to me, respects my opinion
A couple old goals, now accomplished.
4. He'll ask me to pick him up or drop him off or help him out to do something.
done. Remember, baby, baby...
He'll ask for my opinion about something he's thinking of.
He'll start seeing his part in this.
Check.
BIG, Big,
He'll want to try again.
My goal ,
Patience. Use this time to develop me and what I want and need and like and dislike.
got a kiss, kiss on the cheeks.
I think he's starting to care again about me.
Baby steps. Don't read into anything; you'll just be setting yourself up for diappointment.
Careful, not ready for full reconciliation. Holidays, family stress coming up.
Sarah
Got a kiss during sex. This time, I rejected. Hmm. Careful here. Gawd, this stuff is personal. I hope you don't mind.
Because I sure question it. But it sure seems to be true, the way to a man's feelings is through his genitilia.
He talked to me a bit.
Next goals:
Asks me to go to a Xmas party with him. Too early?
He calls me and reads to me.
I spend the night there.
He hugs me for awhile.
Just let it happen. I'll be fine. Baby baby steps.
Sarah
My updated goals:
W will call/email me just to say hi or chat about nothing in particular
W will say something complimentary (e.g. you look nice)
W will suggest having lunch or dinner sometime
W will buy me a small Christmas present
Still keeping my goals small!
And it is still usually me that initiates contact, though usually with a valid pretext (school etc.)
H's goals:
H looks at himself for answers and takes responsibility.
H asks me to a xmas party on Saturday night.
My solution journals and goals are merging together. I'm ready to start my own thread.
Sarah
On October 23, I posted the following goals:
"1) H and I will have more regular and similarly open contact through his sharing of the dog responsiblities.
2) We will continue to ride out his MLC at 33 years old (I was his first and only GF before OW--I had had other R's before) and not make any hard and fast decisions until we both are sure about who we are and what we want.
3) I will not be afraid to ask for help when I need it (I was always the "parent" role in our R).
4) He will feel safe telling me how he feels (like he did when he said "I miss you, but I don't know what that means) and continue to do so as he works through his feelings.
5) I will not blame him or express anger about his confusion.
6) He will initiate a social outing with just the two of us sometime in the next month or so.
Does that sound reasonable? Too weak or too pushy? Just wondering..."
A little update on the progress:
1) H and I have emailed or talked on the phone at least once a week about dog or rent things. He has taken care of the dog every time I've asked, and he has left me a nice note each time.
2) He told just one week ago that he didn't want to talk about D next time we see each other. He said he wanted to talk about "the opposite."
3) I have just asked him for dog-sitting or rent or even reassurance about how close we are to D whenever I needed it, and he has given me what I've asked for every time.
4) He told me just a week ago, "When I have told you that I miss you, I have really meant it."
5) I have told him that I can't see him again until he's done with OW and have expressed that I don't want to do him any favors until it's done. (Maybe a little aggressive, but truthful.)
6) He asked me about a week and half ago if we can have dinner sometime soon. I said that I can't until OW is out of the picture, he said "Let's talk in the next couple of weeks," and here we are.
Next set of goals? I'm not sure where to go from here? Do I keep working to bolster the same goals, or do I step it up a little? Thanks for being here!
Edna
Making some goals...
1)Finish this semester strong, one paper and one exam left.
2)Already began cleaning my apartment and organizing my closet
3)Get my eBay stuff in order...(eBay junkie big time)
4)Give myself and the H some time to just heal emotionally
5)Keep running...
6)Joined the choir at bible class (and it fits so nicely...)
7)Have some calm and simple contact with the H
8)Maybe go on a simple yet fun date with H
The reality is that we can never go back to the way things were and to be honest I don't want things to go back to the way they were...if we are going to try again, it will have to be with a new heart and purpose.
9)Fun friendship with H. I will take more of an interest in his activities and pay more attention to him. He is such a Leo...
10)Less nitpickiness on my part...to much overcorrection. I am such a Virgo...
11)More conversation and communication from the H. He will take an interest in all the work and activities I am particpating in at school. He is very quiet and introspective.
Well this is an okay start...more later
Peace
furElise
I would like my wife to be my best friend again
I would like my wife to come back to bed with me at night
I would like to spend more time alone with my wife
I would like to have more conversations about things going on in our lives
I would like we spend time together going out as a family
I would like to be home for Christmas
Wife will call me to see how I am doing
Wife will start conversations
Wife will invite me to dinner
Wife will hug me
Wife will go out to dinner with me
Wife will include me in future plans
Goals:
1)Work out everyday for 30- 40 minutes
2)Spend quality time with the kids. Play games, cook, etc.
3)Cut back on alcohol consumption on both weekday & weekends.
4)Attend church every Sunday
5)I will not pursue.
6)I will not initiate any physical touching (kissing, hugging, sex).
7)I will not initiate any personal conversations.
8)I will be pleasant in my interactions with W.
a) I will smile
b) I will be happy
c) I will inquire about her day, and treat her as well as a stranger
If you have a goal that is directed toward getting something positive from your WAS, try to redirect the goal to something YOU can accomplish that may motivate your WAS in a positive direction. Don't give-up on your goal to get something positive in return, just start smaller with things you have potential to control. Your own feelings and behavior are a great place to start.
Also, we must become good caretakers of ourselves. We must value our own self worth. We really need to shine.
My goal for the holidays is to stay upbeat and positive, even with our recent family tragedy. I choose this for a goal as I know my W really needs this right now. If I can put my own selfish feelings aside, the holidays will be brighter. I'll consider it a gift. A gift to myself.
K
^^Bump!
probably need revising, but for now my goals are
1 W will call just to say hi or see how i am doing.
2. W will acknowledge my changes or 180
3. W will be nice attentive and concerned when she does call and not fussy.
4.W will initiate counseling and ask me to go.
5. W will give physical encounters such as hugs or any touching.
6.W will invite me to dinner with her and kids or 2 of us.
what do you think / help please PAT
1. I will attend my AA meetings regularly.
2. I will not stop AA or my other new healthy activities just because H is home on his 2 weeks off of work. (He works 2 weeks away at work and then is home two weeks)
3. I will not say I love you to him.
4. I will not initiate sex, nor physical affection.
5. I will give him space.
6. I will try to show him through actions other than sex and physicality and verbal expressions of love that I do really love him, ie. cooking more dessert foods, meals he likes, showing interest in sports, etc.
Comments anyone? Are these goals expressed properly? Are they good goals? Focused enough?
I think that these are GREAT goals, alaskangal!
DEFINITELY stick with the first 2. Avoid skipping any meetings just because you feel you need to be home with him, just because he's there. This may be something you can talk to him about upfront, maybe clear the air, in the off chance he may feel like you're "neglecting" him by going. This can be an "ask for what you want" from him, asking for his support with this.
Now, for the other goals, try to come up with some ways that you will know that what you're doing is working. Maybe a thing or two you'd like to see happen, that would show you that things are progressing, before he has to leave again that would show you're on the right track.
You're doing great!!!
1. I will attend my AA meetings regularly.
For #1--I will ask him to be supportive of this. If he says yes that he can be, then I will have achieved something I want from him.
2. I will not stop AA or my other new healthy activities just because H is home on his 2 weeks off of work. (He works 2 weeks away at work and then is home two weeks)
For #2--I want him to notice that I am more independent and outgoing and show this by paying more attention to me when I am home with him.
3. I will not say I love you to him.
For #3 I want to stop persuing him, in the hope that he will persue me a little bit. Maybe by showing more interest in me, calling more often when gone, talking to me more often when home.
4. I will not initiate sex, nor physical affection.
For #4-I want him to initiate sex more often and be more physically affectionate during and after sex.
5. I will give him space.
For#5- I want him to stop withdrawing so much, and spend more time with me.
6. I will try to show him through actions other than sex and physicality and verbal expressions of love that I do really love him, ie. cooking more dessert foods, meals he likes, showing interest in sports, etc.
For 6- I want him to be nicer to me...do little things to show he is trying to work on things, make me a meal, get me a cup of coffee, ask me if I need something, etc.
Comments anyone? Are these goals expressed properly? Are they good goals? Focused enough?
hope to get her to talk about why she what to leave hoping is if can win her back i read the divore busting book it help me but she would read it or see hepl[polloption=help to see what to do when she wont takl]
Code:
Hi 2020! Welcome to the board! Sorry that you're here, but you've come to the right place to get you started on maybe finding some answers to your questions!
Tell us more about what's going on with you. It will be helpful to get yourself a thread of your own started on the newcomer's forum, since you might not get a lot of responses here.
Just
click here , then fill in the subject line, and go down below that to make your post.
Once you do that, we'll gather up the troups, and try to give you the help and support that you need!
Wow, do your g's sound a lot like mine. I tried to prioritize, short term, long term. It's hard.
-H call and ask to speak to me, even when kids answer.
-have some physical contact
-H continue wanting to work on M
-H start wearing Wed. ring again
-go on date w/out kids
-hear H goals
-H move back home
-when H visiting, talk to me about stuff nonchild related
-H give a compliment to me
-hear positives about R
There are more, but they are further away.
Wally
I have a few specific goals set at this point, but they require some type of communication, which there has been none since March 1. I've tried sending an e-mail but got no response. I don't want to appear as though I am chasing W, but if I can't get a communication through, how can we work on R?
Druis.
YOUR GOALS cannot be about the spouse, if the spouse is not interested or does not know about them?
Having your spouse come home (if you are separated) is not realistic, if they do not want to.
Goals MUST be for you and your own life and sanity.
Find something new to try.
Get a life.
What is the last thing your spouse would expect you to do?
THEN DO IT!
Make the goals realistic, doable, small, and action-oriented.
Being nice for example is NOT a specific goal.
Refine, refine, refine.
And remember success breeds success.
The thread for setting your goals does not link properly.
Please post again.
I have always been terrible at goal setting. I could see major goals and would go after them, but writing stuff down and making minor steps always felt kind of false to me.
Any how here goes nothing.
1)Eliminate quirky/annoying habits.
2)Act as a peer and not a parent to spose.
3)Accept her for what she is and quit trying to push her in the direction I want.
4)Don't go into "hover" mode when she is getting ready to go to work.
5)Don't give her guilt trips about the demand of her job on me and family. Let her enjoy her job.
6)Show unconditional love.
7)Be more pro-active in keeping up with day to day things. ie chores, repairs, personal maintenance.
8)Keep a happy positive demeanor, even when things are going tough.
9)Have positive, constuctive relationship discussions with spouse. Stay calm, no inquisitions, do it in a loving manner.
10)Make positive changes listed and make them permanant.
11)Find out what works and be happy with what you have found.
Hopefully I'm fairly close on these goals. Any pointers would be appreciated.
The thread link in the first post doesn't work anymore!
I have a session with Michele tomorrow morning, I have some goals, I was told to have at least 2:
1. To lose weight by joining (which I already did) and starting attending kickboxing
2. To find some hobbies of my own, I don't have any gave them all up when we got married to spend more time with WAW who told me that I don't do anything alone. She's right. I have one in mind that I have always wanted to do, join a cooking class, and I'm going to do it as soon as possible. WAW is in GA with the daughter, she's not back until middle of May, so I'm going to be good to myself for a change.
My Goals
1. Practice the 180 religiously
2. Begin taking walks daily
3. Get back into yoga & pilates
4. Go out more, make plans with friends/family
5. That my H and I reconnect, and our marriage is strong
6. Get hightlights & hair cut
7. Work on my writing
8. Look into creative writing classes, sewing classes
9. Work on my knitting & knitting designs
10. Have faith
11. Be a good DB
12. I won't take H's distance personally
13. I will be upbeat & busy
14.Spend time meditating & journaling
15. Dress nice everyday because it makes me feel good
16. Do some volunteer work
1) I want my wife to return my love and affection
2) I want her to show me respect as an equal
3) I want her to appreciate all that I do for her
4) I want her love me back as much as I love her
Here are my goals:
GAL –
- Not centered around W
- Detach
- Don’t follow W around house during talks, leave room if she starts changing clothes
- Don’t do things for W, that she can do for herself
- Don’t talk R, unless W brings it up first
- Ignore W’s internet friends and W’s online activities
- Pay closer attention to D’s
- No yelling at D’s
- Read more to D5
- Listen more to D13
- Hug, connect, show more love for D’s
- Be happy all the time
- Exercise more to hit body/weight goals
- Start writing poetry again
- Look into ART classes
- Separate finances with W
- Read 30 min a day of DR
- Read 30 min a day of other relationship books
Interactions with W –
- Do not blame, gossip, worry, or control
- Do not advise
- Do not argue, get angry with W
- Listen intently to W when she needs to talk
- Ask questions
- Validate
- Do not interrupt, let W finish what she is saying
- Give silent support
- W has right to her emotions, listen without making W wrong
- Give W privacy
- No expectations
- Show W caring and respect
- Show commitment to understanding W’s feelings
What I hope for –
- W will be happy with life and family
- W will show patience with kids and myself
- W will show excitement in family events
- W will admit positives in marriage
- W and I will work together to solve issues
- W asks to help with finances
- W and I create schedule to free up time to spend together
- W and I will talk about consistency in dealing with D’s
- W and I will have an intimate relationship with trust, love, and understanding
- W says, “Have a good night/day”.
- W hugs/kisses me
- W asks to discuss/confides issues
- W asks me to go for a walk
- W asks me top go on a date/movie
- W and I plan future together
- W asks about my day
- W acknowledges changes I have made
- W talks less about moving out
- W cuddles with me on couch
- W allows me to hold her in bed while she falls asleep
Just a few...
-I will quit smoking.
-I will walk my dog.
-I will keep communication with my wife light until she is ready (NO PRESSURE!)
-I will take my golf lessons
-I will never give up on my M
I think these are some decent goals to get my life headed in the right direction even though my WAW is a long way from working on our marriage.
The link in the original thread is broken. Perhaps it is outdated and got pruned from the database.
Xuesheng
Are those your goals or her goals....
Isn't this about your goals ?
New to the DB process here. These are the long term goals I have from the work from the DR book are these aren't :
1. I would like to rebuild the trust that we have between us.
2. I want us to be able to communicate our true and deep feelings to each other.
3. I want us to be able to positively work as a team planning for the future.
4. I want to show my wife that staying married is worth it.
Short term:
1. I would like my wife to actually touch me. We have have no physical contact (holding hands, etc) in over a month (her choice).
2. I would like to continue doing things with my wife (dates, walks) etc. She doesn't want to now.
3. I would like her not to make horrible remarks to me when we talk about our marital problems.
New to DB, just finished reading DB book...great stuff!
My short term goals are: (WS moved out 2 mo ago)
1. I will stop fantasizing about how my H is spending his time.
2. I will continue to work on me, getting back to the real me that is buried in here somewhere. Keep going to the Y to work out, keep dressing up regularly, wearing make-up everyday.
3. I will only ask my H one time if he would like to join us out of town for Thanksgiving. If he doesn't answer or appears undecided, I will not metion it again.
4. I will have a wonderful holiday season, despite what my H may or may not do.
5. I will continue no R talk, even if he does join us for 5 days over Thanksgiving, unless he brings up the subject.
Howdy- new to DB too!
Separated in July. H moved out. We started to fill out D paper work and even attended the classes needed in our state. It's what H said he wanted. I don't. I think the paper work is stopped for now!!
Here are my goals:
Short term:
-I will finish reading DB!! (I'm in chapter 6)
-Faithfuly write in my journal every night
-Play a game with the kids on their nights with me
-Have fun at harry Potter with kids and H
-Go to a movie by myself this week
Long term:
-go on a date with H
-hold hands again
-a face to face conversation
-sex (or I'm going to have to buy stock in Duracell!!)
I'm so glad I found DB!!!!!!!!!
I am very relieved, but guarded, that I found this forum today. I am new to all this but I am willing to learn. Here is what I have figured out so far. Any input will be appreciated!
MARRIAGE GOALS
There is only one: to feel treasured . I state this at the risk of sounding completely self-absorbed but right now I am at a crossroads because the things I’d enjoy below are the short list of exactly the opposite of what he says and does daily. I am feeling so diminished it is becoming increasingly difficult to function. I am getting so depressed that I am virtually useless not only to him, but to my family, my business, and the few other people I even come in contact with anymore. I have to change something quickly because I am losing sight of my sense of individual worth. I am frightened because I am actually gradually living down to his opinion of me. I find it increasingly more difficult to take care of myself spiritually, physically and emotionally because I have a sense of futility in doing much if all I have to look forward to is more criticism, ridicule and loneliness. I am doing this exercise using every last ounce of hopeful anticipation I have, so here goes…
I feel treasured when he:
tells me he appreciates specific things about me, for example:
how organized I am
how brilliant I am
how beautiful I am
how successful I am
what a great mother I am
how hard I work
how much commitment I have
how spiritual I am
how loving I am
how much fun I am to be with
how positive I am
how great the house looks
how dedicated to clean living I am
how much he loves traveling with me
what a great hostess I am
how valuable I am to our family and friends
I feel treasured when he:
plans date night unprompted, or even when he asks for input
makes a healthy dinner
helps keep our home clean
truly gives me a say before inviting people over
honors that I need quite a bit of time to prepare for guests
only tells stories about me that cast me in a positive light
laughs at my silly jokes and stories
initiates our couple-prayer
hugs me out of the blue
kisses me hello or goodbye
calls me just to talk for a few minutes about whatever
asks for my input on things that are going on with him
asks my permission before committing my time
helps facilitate my production of quality work
makes a place for me in our home
values me as a partner in our marriage
participates in making a family calendar that works
includes me in the financial plan
works to alleviate my financial pressure before funding his R & R
Thank you for reading! I hope this is the correct place to post for a newbie.
I just finished this chapter in the book last night and after giving it much thought I have come up with two goals.
1- I will accept my husband for who he is.
I will no longer nag him or get mad at him for not communicating with me or expect him to understand what I am feeling.
2- I will work on changing my flaws instead of complaining about all his flaws.
I think this is a good starting point, I have learned from reading Divorce Remedy that I need to work on myself and not try to fix him. Any advice or feedback would be appreciated.
How about a bit more specific and action oriented on #2.
The flaw and what you will do differently.
Ex- I will inform my family I am taking a time-out for a few minutes to calm down and compose my thoughts in order to avoid yelling or hurt feelings and I will return when I can better discuss the situation.
My goals:
Long term: To move back in with my H by New Years.
Short term: To make time to spend with each other.
To have H call me just to say hi.
To have light conversations with H
I'm not going to ask what's wrong - it get's us know where.
To have H want to hold my hand on our walks
To have H want to give me a hug when I come over.
Yes, what I get out of it is that you can't help but improve the marriage when you improve yourself, because withoout you, there is no marriage.
I like that thread I first posted in because MD takes her through the process step by step, and even though Joanne initially sets goals for her H, over what appears to be about a month, a very dynamic change occurs in both of them, and he doesn't know a thing about what she is doing with MD. It really gives me hope.
The first step was to identify how she would know her marriage was getting better. That is what I posted. So now I am off to do step two of what MD had Joanne do.
Next, MD tells Joanne:
Quote:
Now, what I want you to do for each of your sentences is to ask yourself, "What will my husband be DOING or SAYING when:
a) he is treating you as well as he treats others
b) he is interested in you and your feelings
c) he is really interested and absorbed in what you are saying.
What are the actions you will see? What will he be saying? You have to be specific. You're right when you say that you aren't specific enough here. So start again, okay?
So, I have gone through my list and added clarification anywhere I thought it was too vague. I have put the changes in purple. (Everything in purple should be indented but I can't figure out the code... 
) I have put completely new observations in blue.
I feel treasured when he:
tells me he appreciates specific things about me, for example:
how organized I am
how brilliant I am
how beautiful I am
how successful I am
what a great mother I am
how hard I work
how much commitment I have
how spiritual I am
how loving I am
how much fun I am to be with
how positive I am
how great the house looks
how dedicated to clean living I am
how much he loves traveling with me
what a great hostess I am
how valuable I am to our family and friends
makes date night a high priority by making sure it
happens every week
plans date night unprompted, or even when he asks for input
exercises with me
turns off the t.v. half the waking hours we are home together
buys groceries that are healthy even if he doesn’t plan to consume them himself
listens without interrupting
he will look at me and nod; he will refrain from heavy sighing, rolling his eyes, shaking his head, etc.
let’s me be right once in a while
tells me he hadn’t thought of it that way, or says, huh, or wow, stuff like that
acknowledges what I have said
responds thoughtfully to what I say
nods or responds to let me know he is listening
acts interested sometimes and is at least respectful if he is uninterested
remembers what I have said sometime in the future when it applies
acts comfortable with different ideas
keeps his body loose, stays in an open posture, stays in the room, keeps his voice calm
allows me to be sad, tired or ill without repercussion
allows me to process my thoughts, ideas and feelings without panicking/ attacking me
completes an entire conversation to a real resolution
stays on the subject
remains loving and kind regardless of the subject matter
keeps his voice calm, body loose, stays put, reaches out to hug me, other loving gestures
makes a healthy dinner
helps keep our home clean
picks things up instead of passing them, puts things away instead of just putting them down, cleans up messes he didn’t make without blustering at the children, helps the children with the tasks he asks of them, helps me with the tasks he asks of me
truly gives me a say before inviting people over
calls me to ask me if it is okay with me, stays loving and kind even if I am not able to accommodate him for some reason
honors that I need quite a bit of time to prepare for guests
lets me know the day, time and purpose, even if the purpose is just to have fun, lets me know what if anything I am supposed to do in advance of the visit
only tells stories about me that cast me in a positive light
laughs at my silly jokes and stories
initiates our couple-prayer
hugs me out of the blue
kisses me hello or goodbye
calls me just to talk for a few minutes about whatever
asks for my input on things that are going on with him
asks my permission before committing my time
helps facilitate my production of quality work
keeps the commitments he has made to provide work space, resources and uninterrupted time for me to work out of our home
makes a place for me in our home
keeps the bathroom counter clear of his things daily, culls his wardrobe so I can have closet space, does the remodel so I can have a functional office and exercise area, make an area with t.v./d.v.d./music that I have access to so I can choose my sensory input
values me as a partner in our marriage
includes me in our choice of vacation destinations, allows my input in our finances, upholds my decisions in parenting, makes love with greater frequency (like say, once or twice a week would be a major improvement)
participates in making a family calendar that works
includes me in the financial plan
works to alleviate my financial pressure before funding his R & R
I feel treasured when he:
Works as my partner on our finances by:
Attending wealth mastery and applying what we learn
Having a sound wealth building plan
Have a weekly cash flow sheet initially, eventually monthly
Setting up a reasonable discretionary spending plan
Being prepared for unforeseen expenditures
Making a plan that allows one of us not to have to work while kids are small
Having a document storage and retrieval system
Maximizing modern methods i.e. Quicken, etc.
Considering me an asset builder and a resource rather than an expense
Acknowledging my long term efforts at financial contribution
I was also concerned how I would sound, complaining about the state of my relationship, and how my H treated me. He's not abusive, there is no affair or anything... but that doesn't mean we're happy, does it? And while I know that to some extent, each of us makes our own happiness, it obviously makes a difference how our life partner treats us, too.
You are great at articulating specifically what makes you feel special! Good luck with getting your H to learn those things and care enough to do them. I think that we all want to feel cherished. What are you doing to help him feel cherished? (keeping in mind, of course, that he may need different things than you do.)
My H just told me he sees no future for us and brought up D. I have started LRT but have limited contact with him. I guess my goals, though it's hard to see through the haze of sadness, are as follows:
Short term:
Have him talk to me without accusation
Have him touch me
Table divorce and separation talk for now
Hear warmth in his voice
Long Term:
Continue non confrontational discussions (we've had 1)
consider a future together
My goals for myself are:
Stay active
stay positive
don't chase or accuse
give space and stay silent unless addressed
dedicate more time to my music career
find a job that has health insurance
He has slowly been cutting me out of his life, saying work is crazy and I would like him to reintroduce his life to me as well as show an interest in mine.
My H walked out on me 18 days ago. It hurts like hell. These are some of my short term goals:
1. I want H to come back home
2. I want to be less controlling
3. I want to be more patient
4. I want him to miss me and love me again
I don't ask for much, do I?
goingcrazy
Some more goals:
1. I want H to want to save our M
2. I would like him to agree to go to C
goingcrazy
There seems like so much stuff to figure out, how do you know where to begin. Iplayed horrible game with my husband emotions and lie to him for the last 8 months finally, at Chritmas time I told him the whole truth, because I lied so long to so long he says he doesn't know if he will ever be able to believe me again.
1. Get my husband to trust me again
2. Prove to him that it is safe to be in love with me not just love me
3. Spend more quality time talking and having fun together
4. Help him fullfil our dreams together
Hi
Well obviously my overall goal is to have my H move back in and want to give our R everything we've got, but in the mean time:
I will breathe
I will eat food everyday
I will sleep every night
I will not call him 67 times in one night -(accept that he does not want to talk to me right now)
I will find something to bring me happiness (a hobby)
I will tell my friends that they are wonderful everytime they have to hear me bawling uncontrolably
I will not be ashamed of H leaving - I am still a good person
I will not focus on everything I have lost (future children, growing old together, best friend) all day every day
I will quit smoking soon and stop using them as a crutch
Thats all I have right now. As he is not in contact with me and has no desire to fight for us I guess that all I can hope for - just to look after me. But I REALLY want him to miss me and come back - we really were happy and the R was not bad.
I need to understand why he is so unhappy.
I would love to have goals like some of the others here - to have a goal of holding his hand or going out to dinner with him seems almost impossible but o so desirable.
My goals.
I want to stop dwelling on the past and look to the future
Organize my thoughts and get counceling.
Get my wife to go to counceling and work with me to save the M
Get my wife to laugh with me again
get my wife to hug me again
Get my wife to love me again
Get my wife to live with me again
My goals, long term:
1. H will consider possibility of staying together.
2. H will return to some sort of counselling with me.
Short term:
1. I will listen to H when he tells me about his day without expectation of an invication to reciprocate.
2. I will place my hand or foot on him for a moment without him flinching.
1-I would like to stop pursuing my H-stop calling and initiating all contacts
2-I would like to stop spending every waking moment thinking about our Marraige
3-I would like to not feel uncomfortable complimenting my H
4-I would like to have a more interesting life-have fun, have more friends
5-I want my H to see that I have changed and that we can have a peaceful joyful life
6-I want him to feel that he is pleasing me and not feel like not trying because he feels he can't
7-I want him to feel that I respect him-value his opinion
My Goals:
I want H home by March.
I will not have sex with H until he is home.
I will not be defensive with H.
I will not lose my temper or raise my voice to H.
I will show H that I respect him.
I will be happy with me even if H doesn't come home.
I will never lose myself again.
I want to trust H again, completely.
I want our family to be a priority over his work and kung fu.
1. I wnat H to talk to me and not just the girls.
2. I want H to want to get back together.
3. I want H to go out on date
4. I want H to apologize for what happened.
5. I want to figure out how I controlled husband.
My goals.
Are exactly the same as briang's
I want to stop dwelling on the past and look to the future
Organize my thoughts and get counseling
Get my wife to go to counseling, and want to work to save our 12 yr marriage.
Get my wife to laugh with me again
Get my wife to hug me again
Get my wife to love me again
Get my wife to live with me again
Get my wife to want me again
Well, if Im going to do this, Im going to do it right. Goals for this next stage of my life:
1) Realize that what has happened cant be changed.
2) Realize that I have to fix whats wrong with me before anything will get better.
3) Realize that, no matter what, my own pain is secondary. The kids have to have a parent who wont let his own feelings influence how he acts. I have to be "happy Dad", regardless of how much I hurt.
4) Realize that, even if she comes home and this all works out, its not going to be soon.
5) Realize that my wife needs her space right now. Smothering her isnt going to get her back.
6) Realize that you can pick up the phone 563 times a day, just dont dial.
7) Realize that checking your email as many times as you pick up the phone isnt going to make an email from her appear.
8) Realize that the 35 lbs. Ive lost in the last 6 months can be a good thing, as long as I put it back on in muscle. In other words, get back in the gym!
9) Realize that Im doing the best that I can, and I havent done everything right. But, Im going to be a close to right from now on as I can be.
and lastly...
10) Realize that I truly and dearly love my wife, no matter how hard this gets, I know that she is worth all of this. I CAN make my marriage work, and get my girl back in my arms again.
Present goals:
Long Term -
1.) Establish positive dialogue with W.
2.) Have W go to counseling with me. Obviously, this won't happen until I'm back in CA, which is (hopefully) in 3 months.
Short term -
1.) Follow DB 'Rules of Engagement' when I talk to W on phone tomorrow.
2.) Read DB and follow advice of those more experienced than I. " A fool learns from his own mistakes; a wise man learns from the mistakes of others."
This list will change as we go along. Right now I'm keeping it simple.
David
Where are 'Rules of Engagement'?
That was my phrase. I meant Ground Rules for Communicating or whatever it's called. It's a moot point anyway...I never called. Became convinced it was unwise.
David
I am not sure where to start and am having a hard time even functioning much less setting goals but what I want is the following:
1) I want to be able to get myself into shape.
2) I want to get reconnected with God.
3) I want to make sure that I do not let my children see me do anything I would be ashamed of toward their father.
4) I want to stop calling him.
5) I want to stop asking him to come back.
6) I want the courage to go on if he doesn't ever come back.
7) My ultimate goal is of course I want him home with me and the children.
I am not sure if these are good goals or not but I am so lost and confused right now I am just trying to keep going. I need to keep going for my 5 children and myself.
Amy G.
My goals?
Making it through today.
Getting up tommorrow.
Learning to love myself again.
Learning to reconnect with my son.
Getting my W back.
Learning to make it even if marriage doesn't.
This is my first post of what will be the first of many. My H left me two weeks ago, he's moved out and has his own place now. Here are my goals for now. Hope to get some feedback.
1.Stop calling him! and crying and telling him I love him and I want to work things out.
2.Be happy and upbeat when I see H and not talk about our R
3.Work on myself, lose weight (lost 10lbs, 30 more to go), get contacts and be more physically active (started going to gym).
4.Stop being so needy. Be more independent. Go out with friends, live life, enjoy new activities by myself
5.Spend more time with my daughter
Long-term goal
1.have h tell me he loves me
2.we work on our R
3.H moves back in
The goals have been difficult for me. I really need some input on these. Am I going in the right direction here?
1) We will start going out on dates again, i.e. dancing, movies, races, bowling, fishing, etc.
2) We will start having more intimate conversations, deep heart felt conversations, not general talk about weather work, etc.
3) We will openly and honestly discuss issues without any hostility or anger.
4) We will trust each other again.
5) We will show each other affection daily, ie kissing each goodbye/goodnight, holding hands, cuddling while watching tv, hugging & kissing when we first get home from work to greet each other.
6) We will make slow passionate love, increase overall sex to at least once a week.
7) We will tell each other how we appreciate each other, how we value each other, give compliments daily.
8) We will validate each others feelings.
9) We will be more romantic to each other again, ie. setting up surprise dates for each other, him sending me flowers for no reason, him/I buying a card for each other for no reason but to say I love you, I appreciate you, you're wonderful, write each other love letters like we use to.
10) I want my H to believe our marriage is salvageable, I want to stay married.
11) We will start saying "I Love You" again on a daily basis.
12) H will wear his wedding ring again.
13) We will call each other during day to just say Hi, I love You, Hope you are having a great day, I am thinking about you, I cant wait to see you tonight, etc.
Are these action specific enough?
1- Make the neccessary changes in my life to correct the difficulties in my M
2- Sell my house and move to where my W is
3- See my W at least three times a week once i am there, church on Wed and Sunday, and another night just for fun to start repairing our differences.
4- Prove to each other we can have a successful M by discussing our needs and acting on them.
5- Move back in together and live happily ever after.
I am new to this forum and wonder if anyone can help.
i AM 37 AND MY WIFE IS 38. wE HAVE 2 KIDS (8/10)
She told me in January that she loves me but is no longer in love with me. She has apparently felt that for 5 years.
We have been together for 22 years. I found out in mid Feb that she met someone thru the internet and had lunch with him a few times. He is 32 and is in a band. He is away on tour for at least a year so they cannot see one another. She tells me that he is just a friend but I do not believe her. She recently bought a 2nd cell phone which I found. She tells me it is because she feels that I smother her. When I first found out about everything I did smother her but am trying not too. We still live together and sleep in the same bed but haven't been with each other for 2 and a half months. I am really upset about the 2nd cell phone because she told me that she would not call him again when I first found out. Anyone have advise for me????????????
My Goals:
1. Not to call him just to hear his voice-start ending conversations myself.
2. leave the house eveyday, do things for myself
3. Not break down in front of my son.
I'll add more when I am having success with these...Sereta
I've been feeling like that about my husband and most of it is because he has had his attenion on other things other than myself and our relationship. I don't know what your relationship is like or how you have gotten to this point but i do know that you need to tell her how you feel. I would suggest writing a letter. don't be critical of her and her actions, stick to what you feel and what you see in her that keeps you in love with her. don't ask her to love you or to let go of what she may be doing with this other man. concentrate on telling her the good in her, how beautiful you think she is, how valuable she is to you and your relationship and family. He's probably telling her all of these things. I have someone telling me everything my husband doesn't and it feels good to hear it, he jokes w/me makes me laugh and pursues me(insinuates what he would like to do together) he does little things like write me stupid notes like "smile" and it makes me smile. like "you're the best" and I feel like the best. I am not in a physical affair w/this man but I would if it were not for God and my child. Start doing things to win her back, don't let the other guy win. don't beg her either or allow yourself to change or try to be something you're not. She fell in love with you the way you are. but she may need a little romance and for you to pursue her. you know what she likes, you know her better and longer than he. let her figure it out on her own. I think if she reads a letter with your heart's thoughts it may make her consider things. it will take time but just don't give up and for a little bit forget about the phone and the guy. It's great to see you looking for help. hang in there. hope to hear back from you. I'll check in to see what happens and I'll pray for you and your wife.
My goals:
At least once a month, ask for and get constructive feedback from my W or MC on the improvements I'm making - active listening, eye contact, not defensive and validating other people's viewpoints.
At least once every two days, go for a long hard walk, smile and say hi to everyone I meet.
At least once a week, go and do something just for me, by myself
My goals:
1. WAH will call me just to talk.
2. WAH will include me in a future plan.
3. WAH will be home by July. (left 1st of April)
-Jules
Ok, here goes!
Mini Goals.
1. Be able to talk to H without bringing up our problems.
2. Be able to go to S's baseball games and not feel uncomfortable around H.
3. Celebrate my S's graduation as a family.
Long Term Goals.
1. Have my family back as whole.
2. Be able to get passed this feeling of pain, hurt and anger.
3. Forgive myself and my H for the issues we are in.
4. Become the person that I want to be and the person he wants me to be.
5. Not get a "D"
Through all of this I believe we will be stronger. Just hope he see's it before it is too late.
A new member. My w and I have been married 14 years. She has been unhappy as she reports since the beginning. AS in the book, I have persued her when we have disagreements. Those have been frequent. Last year she wanted to leave. We went to therapy as we have off and On since our second year of marriage. I started talking to a f coworker. over 4 months. I ended the conversations and told my wife before someone else told her. She is now using this to make a move. She has rented an apartment. Moved some items. I have apologized and took corrective action. She is angry and hurt. This is one piece in the larger realm of our marriage.
In the last couple days, I gave her space, no longer persueing. Only talking to her about kids activities, bills, schedules. She stopped me last night and said. "What Have I done now?" I said, "Nothing, I just wanted to give you the space you have asked for." This morning, I spoke to her before leaving to work and I would call her today. She responded, "So, You are speaking to me now?"
My Goal to make connection without the pressure. This is hard because of the tension between us. I need advice on approaching her or do I wait on her to approach me. I am struggling with how much or how little to connect??? advise words of wisdom are welcome. J
1. Start actively getting a life; writing, exercise, bible study, choir, gym, volunteering, theatre acting.
2. Get a new job, maybe take a 2nd job.
3. In one month invite my H on a supper date to talk about what's good in our lives right now, no mention of D, even though it's going through.
4. Long-term goal, pay down debt (I absorbed all of our marital debt in legal separation, since I would have had to go to court to have my H take half of it and court costs would have amounted to half the debt
)
5. Travel
6. Date a little.
7. Lucky number 7, my H realizes he doesn't want to live without me.
Let's see:
- Get H to start contacting me again
- Be completely at peace with the fact that I may not have children
- Make new friends
- Start working out
- Pay off all the debts I was left with
- Go back to school for masters
- Redifine myself
That's good for now.
1 remain calm during W MLC
2 Get W to spend time with kids
3Start a discussion with W to fix marriage
I am ready to set some goals
1. I will continue to maintain my self respect and dignity by not pouring my heart out to H.
2. I will continue to encourage H to figure out what makes him happy.
3. I continue to do my daily affirmations and visualizations.
I will know these goals are being met by
1. I will get out and socialize at least one a week.
2. H will ask me out for lunch/dinner
3. H will call me just to say hi
I can't see any point for setting goals right now when everything is one sided. She has no interest in working at fixing things
Xeitgeist - the goals are for yourself. All of this is for yourself. Do it for her and it wont work. This is all about you.
I see, then...
1. I will spend more "quality time with my children. Playing one on one coloring etc.
2. I will continue to look better (because it makes me feel better and more confident)
3. I will go out with my freinds more.
4.I would like to have her sleeping in the same room again (sorry I know it's not a short easily acheivable goal I just wanted to say it.
I miss my wife
I realize we should not be too general when setting goals, but all I can think of right now is saving my marrige. My wife just moved into our third bedroom, only because, she said we cannot afford a divorce. She said we have grown far apart, and I guess I knew that, but I logged on to this site because I want some help. My heart is broken.
bammyhammy,
Start a thread of your own in Newcomers so that we can all help you out. Share your story, give us some details, and I'm sure you'll get loads of advice.
My first advice to you is to read Divorce Busting and/or Divorce Remedy immediately. Then, read posts here to get a feel for what others do to save their own marriages. It's very inspirational to read some of the success stories.
The next piece of advice is this: don't pursue, don't pressure her to talk, don't plead with her. Just give her space and work on being the best husband you can be without pushing yourself on her. Figure out what went wrong and fix it within yourself. If you want to save your marriage, you can do it...even by yourself. Your changes can inspire and influence your W to change. I've seen it happen!
Best of luck.
My goals are pretty pie in the sky right now I think, but some I know I have to do!
1: Eat right and take care of my health
2: Be the best mom I can to my daughter
3. Plan fun things to look forward to with no income
4. Have my best friend back to talk to
5. Don't criticize or even talk when not needed
6. Be the type of woman that any man would be happy to have!
7. Live one day at a time!
8. Put my faith where it should be and let go of everything else.
OK some practical--some super human for me right now! That's the way most of my life is right this minute though:>
My Goals
1. My husband will actively work to spend time with me instead of with others or withdrawing into other activities.
I will do this by:
*GAL: Join a writer's group, go to yoga, take surfing lessons, do activities I enjoy.
*Continuing to exercise and eat well to tone up into a healthy, hot bod!
*Wear clothing that plays to my strengths and makes me feel good about myself.
*Let go of attachment and be happy with myself
*Make friends in my new city via my new activities
2. My husband will enjoy rather than withdraw from my new, unconditionally loving attitude.
I can do this by:
*Backing off a little bit on the verbal and written affirmations of my "new" attitude
*Demonstrating my love through actions like making dinner, cleaning up the house, respecting his space, asking about his day, etc.
*Being patient and consistent in my actions--consistency is key!!!
*Understanding that his actions right now are not personal even though it really feels that way.
3. My husband will initiate sex with me at least once a week.
I can do this by:
*Exuding a happy, positive vibe
*Wearing sexy nightgowns and underwear
*Smiling and flirting with him
*Working on my confidence and appearance
Do these sound okay? Feedback is much appreciated!
SDLostGirl,
have a look at the post at the top of this page from Sandy_wants_to_try as I think some of your goals are too focussed on your H and not enough on you. For example, your number 2 goal could be "I will achieve and enjoy my new unconditional loving attitude" and your number one goal is great as long as you're not doing it solely for your H. Obviously we want our R back but these goals should be good for us even if we don't achieve that,
Good luck,
icl
Moderator and others please help. I want to set 2 small and simple goals to show that I really am willing to work the DR book and at the same time my heart is hurting and I feel very closed off. So, are these short and action oriented or how can I improve them before presenting to H.
1. I would like H to read and show interest in my MIRACLE assignment from C by asking questions about it and working at understanding what it means to me. (The assignment was...If I woke up in the morning and my MIRACLE life was waiting for me what would that look like?) Here was what I read and gave him a copy of this afternoon...
KB2's Miracle
I woke up this morning after a sound night’s sleep and my MIRACLE was waiting for me. I found God by my side and ready to take me on a journey of many levels…of forgiveness, more forgiveness for myself and for those who have trespassed against me; of patience, for myself and others and he helps to heal my heart, rebuild my spirit and soul and be open to giving and receiving more love than I could ever imagine.
I am at peace in my log cabin home in the country with Tigs by my side. I watch a beautiful sunrise over the lake on the porch every morning with my sight restored as the corneal transplant is a success. Of course, my morning run comes first as it gets the body going every morning. And, each evening I watch the sunset on the porch or by the fire pit as I quiet my mind and body. My favorite room in the big cabin is the huge fitness room that overlooks the water and the hot tub that soothes my aching muscles.
My family accepts me as I am and each of my nieces and nephew keep God in their hearts and their MIRACLES come true. Especially for my niece Jo, who gets the opportunity to play college ball and I get the opportunity to watch her play. My friends and family are happy and peace fills their hearts where hurts have now been healed. I make a positive impact in their lives in some way, shape or form by my words, my actions and by my love.
There is peace in the world and acts of kindness are a part of each person’s day. The homeless have homes and I help pound a nail or two to help build one of those homes which delights my heart.
My creative juices start to flow and I fulfill my goal of writing a book and having it published, and not to mention…it‘s a hit!
I also start and finish my Rad. Tech. schooling at the Medical College this Fall and I find work in the field helping people with seizure disorders.
Back to the cabin I go, where the barns are out back. There is a kennel where I train pups to become seizure disorder respondent dogs to help people who have seizures, just as I know Tig can sense my seizures or when things just seem a little off for me. He is my inspiration for this MIRACLE.
As for my prince, he treats me like a princess. He respects me and our lives are filled with laughter shared and moments of tears shed together. He is my best friend and we fish a lot (though he does have to hook the worms and we both catch lots of big fish) and I get to water ski on the side. We enjoy our time together walking, talking and sitting by the fire pit outside. I enjoy holding his hand and it fits like a glove; I feel safe in his arms. I can feel his passion through his words and actions. We share our life stories. We trust each other with our dreams, fears and innermost feelings and it feels safe to do so. We visit my favorite place in Whitnall Park and have long intimate moments as we chat and laugh together. We ride our two horses back at the cabin together and take bike rides. Sometimes my prince surprises me with my morning Starbuck’s (someday we own a Starbuck’s) and on a Friday or Saturday night after a long week, he surprises me with my favorite, Brisco County BBQ Chicken pizza. We travel to Colorado and Alaska. We go to Packer games and tailgate. We attend musicals and I feel the energy of the drama and music. We spend time working with the seizure alert dogs and then share the ultimate sense of fulfillment when a person with a seizure disorder receives one of our dogs, the feeling is incredible! Together or apart, I feel my prince’s presence and know his love is true. I trust him with my heart and my life. His gentleness and genuineness shine on me and his humor lights my world. We play in a volleyball league together with friends. He never has to witness one of my seizures. And, most of all, he is my soul mate, my forever friend, I am at peace with him and I am safe.
I go to the NCAA Final Four basketball tournament and watch North Carolina win the championship.
I see Reba McEntire in concert and it’s AWESOME! I get to have a one on one chat with her afterwards and I leave rejuvenated driving home in my Firebird with the tops down listening to her song, “I’d Rather Ride Around With You.”
Love, laughter and smiles fill my home and in the same breath no one is afraid to feel what’s truly in their heart. I laugh often and I am surrounded by positive people who love, care and respect me. They share in my happiness and I in theirs. Feelings are validated and reciprocated. My home is an emotional and physical safe haven for my spirit and soul to soar and peace is granted to all who enter in.
2. I will demonstrate an act of kindness or act of romanticism toward H each day until see C next Thurs. and H will do the same.
3. (This one comes from C, and I like it) H will come up with list of creative ideas to ask what he can do for me or if there is anything I want. His challenge is to use his humor (part of the reason I fell in love with him) and if one doesn't work, not to take as rejection and to try the next thing on his list.
Talk to me folks, I'd like to present these to him, if they need to be more specific or refined let me know.
My wife is a walk away wife. I have two boys who live with me 2 and 4. She comes over 5 days a week to watch the boys when I am at work. My first list of goals are:
1. to show my wife that I am worth a second chance.
2. to keep my family together
3. to become the man that I know I can be by setting goals.
4. To spend time with my wife without the kids.
I know that these are not very specific but this is my first time doing this and I am trying.
OK, just a few outside comments on your goals.
On #1 what is she going to do to let you know that this goal has been accomplished (pretty broad statement)? Think in small baby steps, like what is the first sign or action she will do to let you know you are making progress? If you set to lofty a goal it will appear like you are never making any progress.
Again #2 is a pretty broad statement. Does this mean that if you and wife aren't talking, but living under the same roof that this goal has been accomplished? Be more specific and don't think so big. Like maybe, W comes over for dinner on her own 1 night in the next 2 weeks.
The same goes for the other ones. Make them small short term goals to see if you are making DB progress, and be specific.
My goals...
1: Continue to GAL. I have been pretty sucessful so far.
2: try to be as good a friend to my WAW as possible. The last two weeks I have been doing really well. She now calls me instead of the other way around.
3: continue to be a good father and help my kids through this as best I can.
4:Get her to the point she takes D off the table as an option. That means intense concentration on DBing and not backsliding.
5: Continue to not ingage in any fighting or critisism of W.
6: Continue to take control of the parts of my life that were always my W's responsability. IE: paying bills, handling other financial matters.
7: continue to make my 180's a permanent part of who I am and not just how I feel right now.
Thanks for the feedback. Let me rephrase:
1. I will work on myself instead of waiting for H to pay attention to me.
I will do this by:
*GAL: Join a writer's group, go to yoga, take surfing lessons, do activities I enjoy.
*Continuing to exercise and eat well to tone up into a healthy, hot bod!
*Wear clothing that plays to my strengths and makes me feel good about myself.
*Let go of attachment and be happy with myself
*Make friends in my new city via my new activities
2. I will embrace my new, compassionate attitude and share it with everyone around me.
I can do this by:
*Smiling at people around me.
*Not talking H's behavior personally.
*Being loving, considerate, and consistent
*Focusing on what I need to be happy
*Maintaining control of my actions
Are these better?
SDLostGirl,
a lot better, totally "you" foucssed. How do they feel to you is the most important thing?
icl
Some general and specific thoughts...
Never criticize her again and don't talk about love…show it, focus on my behavior, not hers
Continue to work on myself, find happiness and spend more time with friends; continue to GAL!
Be a true friend to my wife, listen without interrupting and only give advice when asked
We take dancing lessons together, go to dinner (I've scheduled it…don’t know if she'll go)
Enjoy an evening together, she kisses me, shows some passion/romance
Some day, make love/stay in the same bed…I move back into our bedroom
I can tell her I love you without her saying, "you don't really love me…we were never good together"
We go to good solutions based counselor that helps us communicate better…she gets rid of her therapist (that sanctioned divorce)
We can disagree and solve our problems through sensible compromise, not harbor resentment and anger
She feels good enough about our relationship to put divorce on hold
We enjoy a family dinner/evening together with our boys…laugh and enjoy each other's company without tension
Go for a walk, hold hands, fall asleep in the same bed after a good night kiss, without making love (she thinks I can't do that without resenting her)
I show support for her work…and make time to help her do what she needs to do at work…take care of/feed kids, laundry, etc.
At least once a week, we go out to dinner, party or event out of the house
She shows me respect for my choice of career (own business) and is supportive
I take over cooking meals on at least 3 nights/week to give her a break
I spend evenings with my wife, incl. watching tv together, reading together, instead of burying myself in my work/laptop
We agree on a household budget (this is constant issue with us, how much money we spend and where)
We partner on remodeling our house (bathrooms, garage, etc.) or move together back to the West Coast
I plan our next vacation (so she doesn't have to)
Smile often (bought a smile rock I keep in my pocket as a reminder) and take time during the day to realize how lucky we are
I acheived my main goal by getting back with X.
Now I start this all over again, only this time I will stick with the self improvements and if we get back together this time it will be for good because I won't be an illusion to her!!
My ultimate goal is that my H will return home, want to work on OR and no longer want D.
1) H will show signs of affection a)in private b)in public
- will hold my hand
- will touch me, put his arm around me
- will cuddle w me while watching TV and when we rest
- will kiss me
2) will call just to see how I am, how my day went & to chat
3)will hint at wanting to work on OR ie. try to save M
I am having a difficult time setting goals. I have left home to give my H time and "space." I wish I had found the Divorce Remedy and this site before I left. I've been gone nearly three weeks. My H and I are talking which is more than we did the first week. Tomorrow we are visiting about finances. His thought is that he should start depositing his check in a separate account and we should divide the bills. I think this is just one step closer to the big D.
My goals:
We will have a good conversation and I will not talk about R
H will call me to see how I am
H will ask me out
I have some goals:
H will call me from work to ask how my day is going.
H will ask me to go out to dinner without S.
H will say ILY first.
I will keep the house cleaner.
I will show him love even when he is being rude or mean, or when I suspect he is seeing ow.
I will start making plans for spring fix ups on the house.
I will get my S's clubhouse built.
I will not talk R unless H starts it.
I will try to stop crying so much.
I will try to feel more hopeful.
I will show H respect at all times.
I will be nicer to his friends and family.
I will make my M work, with God's help.
L
This thread is a great idea. My goals right now...
*Take a daily walk for at least 10 min.
*Not resist anything H does or says (so far, so good since 10/25/06)
*Get a job
I'm in on the posting of goals:
1.) Really be W's Friend (my best friend ever)
- compliment her every day (you look nice, sound happy, radiant)
- be consistent in my behavior (agreeable, NO MORE INSULTS EVER)
- be loving as possible (show her i care, concerned)
- no more talking about R (the old R is dead... we are building new one now)
- let her know that i'm here for her and always will be here for her and S2
2.) STOP ALL SNOOPING AND SPYING on W (even though she leaves elsewhere)
- email/phone records
- no more asking her personal questions (where-abouts)
- no R talk with wife's friends
3.) Be really focused on Getting A Life
- new furniture (dresser and head board, pictures, and nice clock)
- paint the house walls cool color
- clean the house somewhat (next level since moving in)
- workout 3 times a week
- eat big meals (put on the weight i've lost since separation)
What results do I hope to get?
- W will not file D at the 6 month mark (Dec.1)
- W will initiate a hug once in a while
- W will continue to express interest in me (calling at work, at home late night)
- Actually go out on a date someday (pipe dream?)
- Perhaps watch a movie at my place (or hers - and the earth is flat)
- Eat dinner at her place (chickens have lips?)
I have many goals for me. But I have a goal for my W. To sit and tell me everyhting. I get bits and pieces. I love her so much, I tell her all the time. She is incredibly beautiful, i tell her that too. She knows I mean it. I wish she could just sit down with me and tell me why she is unhappy. The last time she dropped the bomb I moved out and 5 weeks later she asked me to come back. This time around she admitted she didn't feel any better when I was gone. I know there is more than me that makes her unhappy, I wish she would tell me what and why. She was adimant that I stay and be her friend. But I think friendship is the prob, I think her unhappiness is due to the fact that we have not really been friends for a while. After she dropped the bomb, we have gotten along greeat. But I miss her still. I love getting along and talking alot, I just wish I could put my arms around her.
Quote:
I am guilty of smothering and controlling my W, and she had repeatedly requested time and space. After a few months of my not giving my W the time and space she needed, she moved out last weekend in order to give us both a break.
So my goals are now:
1- Back off and give W time to think. This means no unecessary phone calls. If she calls me, then no "M" talk.
2- As a result of my backing off, I hope that W will eventually call me just to see how I'm doing.
3- I will stick to goal 1 concerning M talk, as a result I hope that my W will eventually ask me to do something with her such as dinner or something.
4- I will stick to goal 1 when spending time with W. As a result, I hope that she will eventually ask me to talk with her about our M.
5- If/When W does get to the point she is ready to talk about our M, I will be a better listener by seeking first to understand, then too be understood.
6- I will understand that this is a process and will not come about overnight. So I will be patient.
7- I hope that W will show interest in going to C with me.
7- If/when my W is willing to work on our M, I will be aware of my behavours so that I do not repeat the controlling and smothering that caused so much damage in the past. I will be considerate and not take her for granted.
8- W will show interest in doing things here at home.
9- W will want to come home.
Hi jwhetnc
I have a similar situation to your but my W has filed for divorce and has been living with her mom for the last 11 days!
I like your goals as they seem to fit what I feel needs to be done in order for my W to return & trust me once again!
I trust it is going well for you as I have not got further in this thread yet, so I wish you success in your DB'ing 
Here is my story if you're interested: My Walkout Wife = Help!!
This link does not work
Quote:
If you are new to the site, you will want to make sure that you have a clear vision of what you're hoping to accomplish. It's not enough to say, "I want to save my marriage." that's not specific enough. I am posting this thread to give you a better idea about what I mean regarding setting solution-oriented goals. Hope this helps.
Michele
Hi Michele
Your link does not work??
Here are my goals and very first post ever!
1. Just a hint that DH wants to work on our M (one conversation or comment about our future together that isn't child or financially based)
2. A sign of some connection between us, prolonged eye contact small touch, use of my nick/pet names...anything.
3. Here's a stretch but, I want him sleeping back in OUR bedroom by Mother's Day
Dee
Briefly, WAH moved out about 2 months ago. Though I am not an angry person or a yeller, I was controlling. Throughout the separation, we have continued to talk -- sometimes I call him and sometimes he calls me. Sometimes we talk about R and sometimes not.
I have let him know that I am aware of the specific behaviors that hurt him, and how I was wrong to treat him that way. I was raised by a very controlling and abusive father, so I was modeling the only marriage dynamic that I knew. I never meant to hurt him, but intent is not what matters, this is the outcome.
Anyway, so now I have this list of behavior modifications that I will make to begin improving the dynamic of our R.
I will become a wife who is the kind of woman that her husband deserves
I will attend counseling once per week
I will keep my word
I will be more firm with my Dad about his boundaries in our marriage
I will make the effort to learn what Jeff’s emotional needs are and develop ways to incorporate them into our daily lives
I will take time to do things I enjoy and not expect Jeffrey to provide all my companionship.
I will create and environment that is safe and comfortable for Jeffrey to express his thoughts and feelings.
There are more, but you get the point.
Here is my question:
Since he felt that I controlled so much of our marriage, I would really like for him to be involved in how to make amends. I would like to have him review my list.
I am not sure if this is going to make him want to come home, but I feel like it may help for me to validate his feelings and show him that I want to stop talking and start acting.
Advice?
Of course my goal is to save my marriage, but it does go deeper than that.
My longterm goal is to become a better wife. This would include letting go of all the baggage ive been lugging around (IC-start tomorrow). I want to be able to make my husband happy and fulfill all of his needs. I want to lift my husband up at all times without putting him down.
Eventually I hope to have a relationship with my husband which does not involve me nagging for time spent (which I will NEVER do EVER again!!!) because he will actually want to do this on his own. I would love for my husband to love me as much as I love him.
I will no longer nag, whine, complain, or get frustrated. I will be supportive, loving, nurturing, and happy. If I practice being a good wife in turn I will be leading by example and my husband will surely follow suit.
In short, my goal is to become a better person, the person I know I am inside.
1. Be OKAY with myself and realize that no matter WHAT happens, I will survive.
2. Make sure our children know that they are not at fault.
3. Have her WANT to be around me.
4. Have her realize that I DO have my redeeming qualites.
5. Have her realize that our marriage is worth saving and that we owe it to ourselves to try.
more to come later.
Here go mine:
1. I want my H to express some doubt about his decision to divorce (papers already filed).
2. I want H to want to spend more time with the children (and therefore less with OW).
3. I want our interactions to be less strained and more friendly.
These are pretty unambitious goals, but my sitch is not too encouraging.
Delia
I need help in setting goals, We are S, and pending D, she has a OM, she says she is pregnant with his child, she is a WAW, we only have contact when it has to do with the kids, Please read my story at
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1102755&page=0&fpart=1There are a few goals I can come up with right now. Mind you they are kind of vague, and in no particular order.
1. She will call me and talk to like a human being.
2. She will stop running from me, (I am no longer pursuing her)
3. She will be curious about me and my life.
4. She will get rid of the OM (obviously)
5. She will listen to and be a better mom to the kids, and always put them first.
6. She will stand up for me, when others put me down.
7. She will stop the D, and take time to fight for the M
8. She will remember what our R used to be, but want it to be better than it ever was.
9. She will remember me during special occasions, and holidays, (My B-day and Father's day went by without even so much as a card or a Happy B-day, or Happy Father's day wish from her, Stupid me, when I was pursuing her, sent her flowers on Mother's day)
10. She will stop trying to hurt me, and start trying to make it up to me.
Well, that is all I can think of, Please read my story and tell me what you think of these, and what other goals you can suggest Thanks.
Since I got the goals confused with signs, and I now know they are pretty much out of my control, I now have made a new list, still in no particular order.
1. I will be a better person, and do everything I can to achieve my happiness.
2. I will remember that I am in control of my emotions.
3. I will only speak to her about the well being of my children and property, and no longer talk about the R, M,(cause they no longer exist) S, D, OM or baby that she is carrying, or her money troubles, (as I have now made this quite clear to her) I know those are issues that anger, hurt, give me false hope and put me back on the emotional roller-coaster ride.
4. I will have fun and laugh more.
5. I will stop worrying about the legal D, and how I am going to stop it, or fight it.
6. I will work toward achieving my financial goals, like get a job that I will enjoy, and attending school.
7. I will play video games, write and record songs, go back to work on putting together a CD.
8. I will be more involved with my brother's plan to start a car club.
9. I will get rid of my hunk of a junk truck and get a better vehicle.
10. I will get out of debt, by paying the loans that I have had to take out due to this whole sitch.
11. I will take life, one day at a time.
12. I will work on the R's that do exist, God, my kids, my family and friends.
13. I will be proud that I am who I am, and for what I have accomplished.
14. I will take better care of myself.
15. Even though, I already have given up all hope on her and saving the non-existent R, I will not give up hope on me.
My goals:
* I will put myself in a "no fighting allowed" mindset before I see/speak with SO.
* I will GAL outside the R by coming up with my own projects/activities.
* I will work on becoming more physically attractive (lose weight, wear makeup,etc.)
* I will handle unpleasant or boring tasks like an adult (no whining or procrastinating)
* I will start working again and have my own income
* When I speak with SO, I will be quieter and let him lead the conversation (I am usually waaay too chatty)
* I will flirt with him again
* I will not question him on where he's been or who he's been with....let him have freedom
* I will swallow my pride and apologize promptly if I do something out of line
I'm a newbie here but i think this is a great idea my H has already moved out and said yesterday he wants to file so I wish i would have discovered this before but all I can do is give it my best shot now!
my goals:
1. To become friends again
*He will show an interest in my day or the children
*Smile at me
* I want to make him laugh again
2. For him to give up the other woman
*He will stop contacting her while he has the kids
*He will come clean about her(he still denies affair even though I have proof in black and white)
3. For him to come home
*He will mention missing home or being a family
*He will want to talk more to me
Hi superwife!
I'm a newbie here too, but I wanted to mention one thing to you that I noticed about your list. Almost everything on it is a sign that things would be improving, but they are not actually things that YOU can do.
Perhaps you might want to check out the threads about how to set goals.....my understanding is that your goals should be concrete actions that YOU can make.
For example, you cannot make him come clean about the OW. But you CAN stop mentioning her to him.
Divorce Busting works on the principle that we must stop trying to change the other person, that we can only change ourselves. Then they most likely will change their behavior/attitude as a result of our changes.
My goals
For me,
1, I will stop pushing and give her the space she needs
2, I will get out of my office and spend time where my family are
3, I will make a list of little things I need to do (around the house)
4, I WILL be patient
5, I will be supportive
6, I will realise my feelings are mine, she does not need my worries as well as her own
7, I will get fitter, worry about my looks and meet new friends
Goals for W
1, Begin to see what I should be and not what I am
2, Hold me because she want to rather than because she thinks I need it
3, Get out with her fiends, trust that I support and encourage this
4, Stop living for everyone else all the time. Spend a little time for herself
5, Want to be with me, want my company
6, Know that its OK to say that she does not want my company
7, For her to be happy again. (I know its very general, but it is a goal)
8, To want to say with me and grow with me
Hello All,
* I will laugh daily.
* I will feel and act as though the OW does not exist.
* I will remember that I am worthy of love and have been loved and will be loved again.
* I will avoid having a MLC myself.
* I will spend time with my children daily.
* I will dress and groom as though I will run into my ex boyfriend. Haha.
* I will remain upbeat and positive.
* I will clean, sort,organize, journal if curiosity about affair and betrayal arises.
* Avoid talks about Divorce, reminiscing, house, relationship, love.
* I will listen twice as much as I speak.
* Make physical contact on skin daily.
* Make eye contact and hold it longer.
* Avoid phone conversations.
* Agree.
* Remember boundaries.
* Go to the movies.
Thanks!
Hello everyone!
There we go: I finally set my goals! This was kind of a hard thing to do coz H and I are entwined on so many levels - private and work - that not only be LRT can be applied - although he moved out already.
I sorted out quite a lot of goals though:
Body&Soul:
- I want to do weekly counselling
- I want to start Bikram Yoga Classes (2 times a week)
- I want to spend at least 2 afternoons during the week with my daughter (going swimming, going to gym together)
- I want to eat regularly and more healthy, keep my weight and make my body look healthier
- I want to have one date a week with one of my old friends
- I want to use my new cosmetics to make my skin look smoother
- I want to try out new hairstyles
- I want to always look perfect when I leave the house
- I want to clean the house more regularly (get rid of stuff I never use)
- I want to get the new flat I visited yesterday
- I want to give myself a treat every day
Career:
- I want to get the parttime job I applied for (interview tomorrow)
- I want to expand my free application-training and off
unfortunately this thing keeps cutting my post!
So here's the rest of my goals:
Career:
- I want to get the parttime job I applied for (interview tomorrow)
- I want to expand my free application-training and offer longer training and more effective training units for money
- I want to start the SBTherapy-training in November and then be able to work as a SBTherapist by next September.
Bar (my tasks):
- I want to extend the website of the Bar and make it more informative and always up to date
- I want to hand in our events to the press in time
- I want to spend one afternoon/night a week taking only care of the PR of the Bar
Bar (working with H):
- I want to have only one weekly business meeting
- I want to avoid visiting the place out of my work times when he is working as often as possible
- I want to be nice and friendly with him during we spend time there together
- I want to NOT comment if he is drinking more than I think he should (act as if it did not bother me)
- I want to kindly ask him to leave if he sticks around there longer than he's needed during my work times
Him (on private level):
- I want to trust him in sorting things out himself. Will not offer help.
- I want him to babysit my daughter only once a week (will try to organize other babysitter options for the second nightshift)
- I want to try out to play squash with him regularly once a week (counsellors idea, H likes it)
- I want to stay detached in situations in which the OW is involved (phonecalls, nights I know he's dating her)
- I want to not ask him questions about his plans
- I want to not make too many suggestions about how we could run our Bar together more effectively
- I want to not initiate talk about alcohol and drinking with him on a private level neither
- I want to go dark in most situations possible (even if it is just to leave the room when I recieve a phonecall)
- I want to become more mysterious to him and to not reveal all my "new" feelings and experiences to him
- I want to make him laugh
- I want him to start missing me
- I want him to want to become physical with me again (more of a long term goal)
- I want him to realize that "loving someone" does not for all moments of the R need to mean "being in love" with someone. But that in the end "loving" is the higher cause.
- I want him to want me back (so much that he will be able to handle his drinking problem by himself and not see any OW any longer) -> long term goal.
Basically: only spend time together when we MUST be spending time together. When we do, I'll be sexy, stunning, relaxed, self-centered & cool.
Will not give more information than needed on time I spend "without" him.
I'd be very thankful for your feedback!
Love,
n.
I am a newcomer. I explained my story in a different area of the forum, I think one can search for it. I have read up to step 6 of the Divorce Remedy book. However, I am having a hard time setting specific goals since my wife is the one that moved to an apartment.
There was no infidelity in our marriage, there was just a lack of communication, a lack of emotional support from me given to her, and we were always fighting and arguing often times with me getting so frustrated and angry that I just threw my hands up and said what the heck, lets just divorce. Well I never wanted that, I was just so frustrated and angry I gave up the argument. I know I lack communication skills and argument skills. But I never wanted a divorce.
I am having a hard time focusing to set goals since the only thing I really would like is for her to be back in my life. I also understand that this is not going to happen right now.
Please if anyone reads this and decides to read my other posts giving a general description of the problems, please help me to determine some specific goals so that I too can develop a better relationship with my wife.
My goals have changed somewhat from what I first thought they would be. Originally I was focused on the SSM part. To that end my goals were/are:
1. Pay more attention to my appearance. Just because we're hanging out at home doesn't mean I have to look like slob! This also includes wearing more of the styles/types of clothing H likes.
2. Initiate sex and touch, kiss, hug, more.
Recent developments have made me realize we've moved past just the sex problem. He has basically "gotten over it". Meaning after so many years of hurt and rejection he has alot of anger and resentment that we have to work through. So here are my goals to work on that:
1.Don't pressure him!! He's indicated he needs time to process what is happening and he can't just act like everything is rosy again all of a sudden. I won't initiate R conversations, won't ask him again to read SSM, etc. I'll recognize that he had already begun to "move on" emotionally without me and will need time to come back.
2.I'll just continue to work on my behavior and my reactions to things (have already gotten positive feedback from him on what I've been doing so far.) This includes the things mentioned in the SSM goals, as well as just being a more positive, supportive person, the one he fell in love with and who just got lost somewhere along the way.
I've been DBing for about 6 months. We have made improvements but ever so slowly. The biggest change is my H is now beginning to participate in improving our marriage. I believe he got to this point because I met similar goals you have. So KEEP AT IT!
One mistake I made is once he began to participate, I stopped DBing and began some of my "more of the same" behaviors. H has expressed some doubt again. He says there are times he is not comfortable being with me or talking to me. Fortunately I was able to control my emotions and hurt when he said this. Now I am back to DBing with the main goals of:
1)Rediscovering the fun, supportive, not so serious person I am by focusing on my interests - coaching volleyball, gardening and reading.
2)Listening, listening, listening when he's talking to me and not be so serious when he is joking around.
3)Keep the pressure off. Stop bugging him to spend time with me during the times he just needs space.
Good luck!
Ms Laura...thanks for your post...it helps to hear about progress being made. My H has not begun to participate...he still thinks it's my problem to deal with. I've seen some changes in his behavior in response to my DB efforts tho, so I'm very motivated. Thanks again for your post..the goals you listed are exactly things I need, and a much needed reminder to keep it going and not back slide into some of my old behaviors. Felt myself doing it tonight and had to really pull back and think about what I was about to say. Hope things continue to go well for you!
Cat
My goals:
1. Don't call or email first. Be RE-active, not PRO-active. I can respond if she writes or calls first.
2. Do not invite to do anything. I can say "yes" if I receive an invitation.
3. Do not talk about the Relationship. She is grieving and cannot do this right now (lost her father a few months ago and has shut down during his care and then death).
4. Build a life separate from her in case this does not work out and because it is the healthy thing to do.
5. Make my own plans for the weekend. Do not wait to be asked by her.
1. I will be more patient. I know I can come off as pushy and opinionated, especially when it comes to making a decision and since my H is a people pleaser he will say "okay" even if he doesn't want to just to avoid an argument. I used to let him set the pace for everything and it seemed to work better back then.
2. I will not bring up OW or snoop (been good about this for the most part since I found DR, but have fallen off the wagon occasionally).
3. I will try to be "darker" to H. Far too easy to do since we have no kids, no house, nothing to keep us in contact or together.
4. I will smile more and remind myself to always be happy when (if) I see H (haven't seen him since November I guess). Market myself against OW. I'm sure she's always happy to talk to him.
5. Despite the fact that H has encouraged me over the course of our relationship not to take time-outs and think about what I want to say to him, me getting into the habit of venting to him and not taking time-outs has led to him saying that I'm a nag and I'm bipolar and I'm an angry person and I only put on a nice face when we go out. So, even though he used to complain about the fact that I was more timid with my opinions, it obviously worked better than what I was doing once he got home from his deployment.
6. I have to figure out how not to threaten him. Instead of being happy with the independence I had while he was deployed overseas, he doesn't feel like I need him and like my life kept going without him. He is very bothered by the fact that I will be graduating with my J.D. soon and he had to drop out of B.S. program when he got deployed. He also does not enjoy the love of debate I have cultured while in law school as he takes these debates very personally and considers them arguments.
The big goals are to A)talk about about stuff other than what is for dinner or our current situation B)have physical contact again, kissing, hand hold and eventually sexual relations
1) Husband will come to me to talk about our situation (we have had marathons the last few days)I am not going to initiate.
2) I will not ask about the other woman nor snoop.
3) I am going to change my routine and not be as obsessive about my hobbies in order to have more time for him(probably sell a lot of my yarn)
4) Liven up! I have been so down lately that I got very sick.
Goals: Right now I would like for my H to give me a hug.
Little goals
1. Play the guitar at least once a day and look into lessons
2. When I feel the need to cry, get as far away from H as possible.
3. Validate my H's feelings when he shares them with me.
4. Do things to feel sexy (make up, perfume, clothes)
5. Leave the house at least once a week night and be vague where I am going to be.
My goals...not really sure where to start.
1. I want my H and daughter to spend quality,positive, bonding time together.
2. I want to have a date night 1/wk with H and no kids--out of the house if possible.
3. I want to do something for me 1/wk at least (read, get out of the house, jog/walk, etc.
4. I want to be appreciated for the things I do as a wife and mother.
5. I want to show H that I appreciate the good things he does as well.
7. I want to write out my positive about my H and post them up so that I can remember to focus on those more frequently.
I had put my goals on my main thread in Newcomers, but i will repost them here for convenience' sake. Hopefully someone will come along and give me some feedback as to whether or not I am on the right track.
Here they are:
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personal goals--
Get more sleep at night--I need to try going to bed earlier so that I am able to get up in the morning with more focus and clarity. May have to resort to anti-depressants and sleeping pills to help with this.
Start working out 2-3x a week, walk at least a mile 2-3x a week--I need to make sure that I reinforce the weight loss that has already happened. I am feeling better about my looks on a daily basis. Of course, having a group of D16's guy friends (17-22 years old) tell me I am "way hotter" than the OW helps my self-esteem alot
Spend more individual time with the kids. They are their own little eprsonalities and they need that one on one time.
Spend more time socializing with friends--visiting, going to the movies, joining sorority group that I had been putting off doing. Attend support group meetings for the ship. Deployment is coming and I need to attend the meetings to get the information on the ship's schedule. I will not count on H to give it to me. Invite friends overthe house once a month for dinner and games or movies. We have a large group of friends that are more homebodyish than go out and drink types.
Family goals--
Spend more time as a family doing things--go to the park, summer is coming and so is beach weather. Take them on my walks with me. Family Movie night every other week--we set up a mock movie theater and the kids "buy" their snacks at the "concession stand". Also helps D8 with her math skills
Be more patient with the kids and their acting out and not listening--keep up the work on not jsut yelling , but talk to them about why they are acting out. I need to remember that they are hurting, too.
Work with kids on getting chores done when asked to give us the free time to do what we want for fun.
Spend more time with my Mom--try to go to auction with her, invite her and sister's family over for dinner once a month. keep the family support network strong.
Attend church faithfully every Sunday and start praying together every night. God is our strength and will sustain us if we ar faithful.
Relationship goals
H will call and ask how I am doing personally, will ask how school is going. This is somethign that he used to do everyday before the A happened. He would call me a couple times a day just to talk and see how my day was going.
H will be friendlier when we talk, will smile and look me in the eyes, not look at the ground or off into the distance He will look
H will give me dates for us to go to MC and he will actually attend. He has said he would go to MC to help me understand why things are over between us. My hope is that while weareattending counseling he will acknowledge the possibilty that things are not competely dead, that there amy be something there to work towards.
H will make an effort to talk to D16 and not giveup if she is initially reluctant. H will be willing to go to her C with her if that is what is needed for them to be able to talk.
H will ask to stay for Movie Night and spend exxtra time with teh kids and I together.
H will attend church with us before he leaves on deployment. This would be a major step, but one I am hopeful for, as he had so enjoyed attending church before all of this happened.
H will come to D5's Preschool graduation on May 30 and we will go out to dinner as a family afterwards. He will leave his cell phone in the car while we are all out together.
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I am looking forward to some guidance and just to know if I have not got them right yet or if I need to simplify more.
SMW
Why is it that people get married?
Because we need a witness to our lives.
There’s a billion people on the planet.
What does any one life really mean?
But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything…
The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things,
All of it… all the time, every day.
You’re saying “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.
Your life will not go unwitnessed - because I will be your witness.”Wife in the movie, "Shall We Dance?" 2004
1.No snooping
2.Become a friend to W.Someone she'd like to chat with
3.Have W contact me about me,not daughter
4.Forgive myself
5.Get a hug from W before my BDay (Sept)
is this fair?
W will
will hint about starting a family again
will want to do more things together again
will tell me everything she is thinking about (feelings too)
will tell her friends she had a change of heart
will want to be affectionate again (hold hand, kiss )
will talk openly about our future, saving our R
will compiment me again
we will be as happy as i know we can be..
I will always remind myself how lucky and how happy i am... and continue working on ME
i will remind myself to NEVER take her for granted EVER again!
Kind of a long list but a mixture of me, W, and M
Goals
I want to pause before every response to W to ensure my words are not about me nor hurtful
I want to make my changes permanent
I want to maintain faith, hope and trust that the end-state will be happiness, regardless of what happens to M
I want to keep my family as the focus of every action I take
I want to be positive in every encounter with W while we are on this journey
I want to listen more, talk less, and be compassionate and understanding
I want to find forgiveness for this situation within myself and God, and from W.
I want W to understand that my 180s are for me, to improve as a person and not to feel that I am overcompensating for past damages.
I want W to ask how my day/GAL time etc… was
I want W to display acts of caring and kindness to me
I want W to eat at the dinner table with me and the kids
I want W to engage in small talk with me
I want W and I to be able to talk about where are kids are in their lives
I want W to continue to ask for assistance with things
I want W to see counselor again
I want W to come along with me and the kids for a family outing
I want W to meet me for dinner/coffee to chat
I want W to not move out
I want W to agree to work on marriage
I want W to begin wearing rings again
I want W to attend planned summer trip (too soon maybe)
I would like to re-contract our marriage
I would like W to agree to attend a Retrouvaille weekend
I would like W to agree to attend a Marriage Encounter weekend
I want us effectively communicate as a couple
I want to establish a division of household and childcare responsibility that is in tune with our individual needs
I want to establish time each day/week/month that is alone time for just us, to talk, laugh, understand, communicate.
here are my goals currently:
H will show some tenderness outside bedroom.
H will want to wear ring again.
H will want to go to MC together.
H will say 'i love you'.
here are my goals currently:
H will show some tenderness outside bedroom.
H will want to wear ring again.
H will want to go to MC together.
H will say 'i love you'.
and goals for me to work on:
i will not talk about OR or OW
i will not talk about our M unless H initiates discussion
I will do some regular physical activity: riding, jogging or gymnastics at least once/week, preferably 3x/week
I will keep a solution journal so i can record what works and what doesn't
I will strive to actively LISTEN to what H is saying
I will pause before each response to my husband so that i don't sound aggressive nor 'feminist'
I will write down my current professional opportunities with pros/cons so that i can discuss them with H and we can agree together on best option for me and for the family
LS,
My husband and I went to Retrouvaille, but not Marriage Encounter. Retrouvaille was an incredible experience, and changed our lives for the better. I did hear some people say that they had tried Marriage Encounter, but that it was more for newlyweds, not for people having severe problems. Retrouvaille is the choice for a marriage on the brink of divorce.
My Goals:
1. He will come over and show some sign of affection.
2. He will start to say and act like he might be considering reconcilliation.
3. He will follow through with when he says we will go do something together, instead of constantly changing his mind.
My goals:
Answered -
He did come and stay home with me last night. (He did not show signs of affection).
He has not done either 2 or 3 yet.
My goals:
1)H will show cautious optimism, and mention at least once that he wants the M to work
2)H will tell me that he misses me, meaning that I will not pursue and will give him the chance to miss me
3)H will show physical affection
4)H will agree to still go on the trip we have planned in September
5)H will agree to session in Boulder with Michele
6)I will keep exercising on an almost daily basis
7)I will invest extra time into my job as I have been neglecting it
8)I will take Polish lessons while in Poland, and really try to immerse myself in the local culture
9)I will train for a marathon or other serious sporting activity
ITH
OK I don't know if anyone else is using this thread anymore, but I am going to refine my goals after having read Michele's responses to other posts in the past:
1) H will show cautious optimism as evidenced by either a specific mention that he wants the M to work OR specifically mentioning longer-term (3+months out) plans; I will help enable this by continuing to think positively about the M while empathizing with his POV
2) H telling me he misses me might be too much to expect in the next 2 weeks--instead I want H to make some reference to my absence from the house and the fact that it's noticed, even if it's just saying that the cats miss me; I will not pursue him at all during this time, and this will give him the space to think about my absence
3) Given that I am leaving in 2 weeks, physical affection might not be a possibility--however even a lingering hug when we say goodbye before I leave for Poland would count for me, as long as he initiates
4) We have a trip planned in just 1 month--a weekend trip for H's bday; he is not currently committing to go, but I am leaving it in his hands--by missing me, and me being low pressure, I want him to decide it is worth going ahead with it
5) I have asked H about a session in Boulder--he has said only let's see--I want, through very low pressure interactions, to get him interested in the idea and agree to give it a try
6)I have been exercising nearly daily for the past 10 days and will continue to do so
7) I will quit focusing so much time on the boards while at work, and will dedicate additional time to catching up on tasks I am behind on
8) When I go to Poland in 2 weeks, I will start language lessons in order to get more immersed in my new locale
9) I will train for either a marathon or another endurance event as it helps me to have a tough goal outside of the R
ITH
Ok..here's mine.
1. She will initiate the hug instead of me when we meet.
2. I will continue to exercise at least 5 days per week.
3. I won't mention the seperation or relationship unless she brings it up, and then I will be supportive of her decision.
4. We will continue to meet as friends for outings/dinner/drinks every 7 - 10 days.
5. I will get a comment on how good I look every time we meet in person.
6. I will complement her on how good she is looking (clothes, haircut, tan, fit) everytime we meet in person.
I'm not sure how to go about these goals other then continue to do what I have been doing.
Any recommendations or insight is very much appreciated.
I think I may have done this already, but it never hurts to see it and do it again.
1. I want my H to be home by September.
2. I want him to show affection to me in any way, shape or manner.
3. I want him to get rid of that woman!
4. In the GALing category, I want to take the doggie to the beach in the truck, hopefully soon.
hugs,
poet
So I'm going to reply to my own post about my goals. I'm feeling pretty confused at the moment, and have no idea where H's head is, so I'm not sure whether I've made real progress or just pushed too much. Here goes...
1) H mentioning long-term plans...he didn't bring any up, but I brought some up in terms of where we would live in the future, and he seemed open to them, not like he was humoring me, however I think I need to back off in this area now as now when I bring up too many things he seems to just shut down a bit.
2)Absolutely no mention of missing me, or the pets missing me, or anything like this. In fact H says he is stressed out when I am in the house.
3)Physical affection--there was MLx2 on Saturday. Then there were a few times where he poked at me and was playful
4)No idea about the birthday trip yet--it's still not a definite no, but I can't ask about it until a few days in advance.
5)I put Boulder in our budget, and asked him to look at the budget and see what he thought, but no response. I am not going to bring this up for at least a few weeks.
6)I'm still exercising almost every day.
7)Backslide here--some days I check once per hour, this week I've been on the boards all day.
8)Not in Poland yet, hope to start the lessons next week.
9)I found someone to train with me. I just need to find a marathon location and date to aim for.
I have been a member for awhile but mostly just a lurker...watching and reading and learning. We are now to the point where we have totally lost any and all ability to show each other affection and it's really bothering both of us so we are looking into using the KLA cd's because I've heard so much about them on here. That being said, my goals are as follows:
1. both of us to be able to and want to show affection to each other.
2. both of us not being content with living like roommates.
3. both of us finding something to do together that gets us out with others instead of just being at home retreating to our separate areas of the house.
4. both of us sticking to this instead of giving up like we've done when we've gone to marriage counseling before.
I think that's it for right now...it's enough to start with anyway. Onward we go.
My Goals
To keep working on me & get back (most of) the me I was when H & I were dating. This me is strong, confident, carefree, non pressuring, funny, & lighthearted. This will also be a more wise me.
From this I hope to gain: H calling me to chat & asking me to do something with him & actually doing it.
Well, mine are:
1. To decide at the eleventh hour whether I will enter a counter claim to H's filing
2. To start posting again & explain & ask for help on this decision
3. If I do counter claim: for the OW to bail out & my H to "wake up"
4. Then: for us to slowly start building a friendship again
5. And: for us to be together again by Xmas
6. And of course: for me to continue GALing if none of the above happens
OK, so my goals are as follows:
1. H and I will start sleeping in the same bed regularly
2. H will tell me he loves me
3. H will say that he wants to stay married
Mini-goals on the way to that:
(1)1. H and I will ML (already happened)
(1)2. H and I will start sleeping in the same bed occasionally
(2)1. H will start saying more positive things about the R and about me
(2)2. H will say more frequently that he cares about me
(2)3. H will look at me when he hugs me
(3)1. H will respond positively to my requests (he already is)
(3)2. H will initiate dates and start making the R more of a priority (I have asked him to do this and he responded semi-positively)
I have some goals, but am not quite sure I am on the right track or not.
Long term goals
1. H has to get OW out of is life and prove to me that it is over with her, and let his parents know that we are trying to work our M out and not care what they think.
2. H to recognize that our M is salvageable, I need to know I am #1 in his life
3. We both need to communicate better
4. H to move back home by Christmas because he misses ME, not just the kids
Short term goals
1. Go Dark to give him space to "think" about what he really wants, me or OW (does that mean not answering his calls or txts?)
2. H to compliment me, ask me how I am doing, or some sign that he actually cares about me as a person
3. H to let me know he appreciates & notices when I do things for him
4. I need to quit dwelling on H's R with OW and GAL, outside of my responsibilities with the kids
1. to work on detachment which seems to be the most effective course for me and my sitch right now
2. to give my wife space and time to be with her twin sister who has gone through a terrible crisis
3. start working on 180s
4. to be a pleasant as possible to my wife since we still live together
5. only be intimate if she initiates (this is hard!)
6. accept that my wife is confused and that is a normal part of any marriage or R.
7. GAL!
Heres some goals then,
1. No Booze
2. No Smoking
3. Get in shape
4. Detach emotionally from W
5. Get a life away from work, find a hobby/activity for me
6. Be less irritable with everyone
7. Help the children with their homework 2 times a week (I dont get home till late, so finish earlier to do this one)
8. Take the children ice skating this christmas.
9. Take good care of my Mom now dads gone.
10. Save my marriage, in a way that we want it to be saved. No plastering over any cracks.
(not necessarily in order)
No particular order...
1. Keep and improve on healthy lifestyle changes > lose more weight > more confidence > stop relying on him for self esteem.
2. Read more > keep myself occupied/entertained/engaged > learn interesting things > have something to talk about other than same old stuff.
3. Pick up my paintbrush again > get my brain used to creating more > improve the quality of my work > get more involved in the local art community > make friends with similar interests.
4. Stop pursuing my H sexually for a while > make sex a lower priority in my life > Give him a chance to pursue me > Feel sexually empowered because I hactually have a choice to turn it down instead of taking what I can get.
1. Get into shape
2. quit smoking
3. Keep my kids going with swim lessons, get my daughter into dance or singing lessons
4. Apply to art school
5. totally stealing this from you Starving. To stop pursuing my wife sexually.
Not a newcomer, but here are some of my personal goals...
1) Brush up on my web programming skills, both for my current job and to be able to look for other work
2) Keep my weight between 200 and 210 pounds (I was 203 last time I checked)
3) I have this posted in the Do a 180 Workshop:
100 or more photos in 20104) This is a high-minded goal, but I'd like to have a better job by the end of the year. Closer to home, making more money, or possibly both!
I wnat her to hold my hand again.
I want her to talk more openly to me, about what she is feeling.
I want her to snuggle on the couch with me again.
I would love a date night, or just go out for drinks and talk.
1.To stop pursuing my H sexually
2.To give him the space he's asked for
3.To work on my detachment from the marriage
4.To be the best mom I can be
5.To start teaching again
1.To stop pursuing my H sexually
2.To give him the space he's asked for
3.To work on my detachment from the marriage
4.To be the best mom I can be
5.To start teaching again
Jeanne---these are all great things for you to be doing and working on....it gives me a little more of a feeling of your situation, too. However---DB goals, are relationship goals. They describe what your spouse -or- you and your spouse will be DOING. They are action oriented, positively stated, small...things that can happen in the next two weeks or so.
If your situation were to change for the better...how would you know...what would be the VERY FIRST sign? What would he say, what would he do?
1. To be the man I'm intended to be for my wife and children
2. Have my wife fall in love with me again - and maintain that love
3. Be attentive!
4. Get fit. Have fun.
5. Fix financial burdens.
My H has walked away. He works away two weeks on and then his home for two weeks. He now rents a room in a house a town away and has some very seedy roommates.
1. He will email me.
2. He will ask for my new phone numbers. I changed both my cell and landline.
3. He will want to work on things without me pushing him to want this.
Hey guys - I'm locking this thread because it has become VERY LONG. Long threads slow down the flow of the forums.
Please continue the conversation in a new Topic.
