So my thread locked and I need to start a new one.
Several things, I have not been on the site for a few days. So I hope everyone is well.
Sandi, I wanted to respond to your post. I appreciate your attempt and your goals. I will try to put them into practice but I think you may have my situation confused with someone elses also. My H is not living with OW. He isn't dating someone else. He did have a brief, although at this pt he says it never happened, it was just that I assumed, so he went with the story affair back in May. I really don't know the truth to all of this. I know she didn't live around us or was even close by, but I do know he talked to her on the phone.
Anyway you are partly correct with the I am sorry thing. I really only do that with my husband. I don't know why. Yes I am scared to death of losing him. Yes I am sure he knows it and takes advantage of it. It has also created a lot of annimosity between us lately. But I am sorry. I am sorry for the way he feels and when he tells me how hurt he is and what happens I do feel bad. I wish I couldn't have done more. I feel like I should have done more.
I didn't talk to H all weekend. It wasn't a big deal. I knew he was away hunting. Yesterday I sent him an email to let him know what the kids schedules where this week. I wanted to see if he was going to participate in the counseling visit for our D on Wed night as well.
It was very brief and to the point. I made a light joke and so he wouldn't take it wrong b/c I never know if he will I added a little smiley face so he knew I was kidding..however I guess he didn't get that b/c what I got back was a very sarcastic e-mail in which he didn't respond to the schedule but only that he had a FANTASTIC weekend..and he made another little reference.
Now I knew as soon as I saw the all caps fantastic he was being sarcastic. At this point I guess I should have ignored but I didn't I started laughing and I called him and said why the sarcasm? This of course led the conversation off in the wrong place. He apparently is still holding a grudge because of last weeks incident with the insurance company. He is very mad at me that I didn't believe in him. As much as I tried to explain this and ref my POV..he still says..this is why we can't be married...you will never believe in me again. He told me he is bitter and he will be for a while but will eventually get over it. Not just bitter about that incident, but bitter about the way our relationship ended up. (I guess I don't get that, because this was his choice, not mine)
When I got home from work. He left me a sarcastic letter. Again. I should have just disregarded but I calmly called and said was this necessary. I thought we got over all this. He agreed and we talked for a good hour. Toward the end of the conversation I told him I may be taking a couple days to go away so if he wanted to take the kids that would be great. (I am seriously concidering go away for a few days over the holidays..just to get away)..When he responded very hastlily with "do whatever you need to do"..I said I wasn't looking for approval. Well I guess this was the wrong thing to say because I swear he did a 180 on me and Dr Jeykll came out. Next thing I knew he was yelling at me about something that we hadn't even discussed and he started calling me names.Telling me again how he can't wait until I am out of his life, to go f myself. I was floored. I asked him what in Gods name was wrong with him and why he started to act like this. I even commented that we were having a realitivly nice conversation and then wham!!! The more he yelled, the madder I got. I will not lie. I lost it too. We both got loud. I tried really hard not to say anything demeaning or regretful, but I was loud and yelling just the same.
Anyway..I went out to eat for a friends birthday. I had hung up the phone on him, but he kept calling back. I answered and said I am going to celebrate my friends birthday now..so I am going to go.
He ended up sending some really nasty texts. About taking custody of kids away. I did not respond. Abt 20 minutes later he sent an apology and was sorry about the whole conversation. I didn't respond..He sent another saying please respond he needed closure..
Called him when I got home said I was very hurt that every time he gets mad lately he gets very beligerent and says very very hurtful things. I understand he is hurting too, but some of the comments he has been making are beyond anything that he has ever said to me before and he is just down right nasty.
Its when these coversations start I feel the need to defend myself and not let him attack me. I don't want to lose him and I want him to see what he is doing, but I also don't want to let him say things without me retaliating. Just by writing that is sounds so immature..
Anyway..sorry so long..I thought this was going to be a peaceful week but I guess not.
Kristi,
I haven't chimed on your posts in a while, so I thought I'd jump on this new thread. I have to admit to not following a lot of your recent sitch, but I would make one observation. You made the comment, where many of us have been:
"Yes I am scared to death of losing him."
Why? Don't get me wrong, when my W dropped the bomb, I thought my life would end without her. That I would be nothing without her. That I'm getting old, and she is much more attractive and outgoing than I am. That I wouldn't be able to find another like her.
Life on these boards, talking often with a sponsor, a DB Coach once a month, GALing and keeping a PMA has gotten me thinking much more of myself and my future - is a GOOD way.
I will continue to pray, be loving (while detached) and think of a new future without her, as a part-time (great) dad, and eventually with someone else - if she cant' heal herself in the M.
When you get to the point where you aren't scared to death for your M to end, I think you'll start to see some HOPE.
Stay strong.
NM
PS I did read the Homer electronic book. It was OK, simplistic at times, and not as good as MWD or some of the other Wise Women and Men on these boards.
Kristi,
I have done the same things with H. Getting baited into these kinds of convos and realizing too late that I should have let it all go. I know it is so hard to maintain discipline, especially when he is ugly to you, but try to be calm and let him be the bad guy. Don't give him anything to justify his stupid decisions.
Newme is right and all the advice and insight on this board is slowly sinking in.
HEY GUYS.
Well let me tell you what happened this afternoon. I went home for lunch and my papers arrived from my lawyer. He finally filed our complaint. In the papers it stated that we both had to take a parenting class and then meet with a mediator about custody arrangements. Apparently he got his info too and in talking to him, he exploded. Also let me say that when I went to the lawyer I stated I did not want a divorce. I also did not beleive our marriage was "irrevocably broken".. So to answer his complain I denied that claim.
I have stated to him that I will give him what he wants. But I do not and will never beleive it is the right thing to do. Maybe it is moral thing within me, but I DO NOT believe either one of us gave it the quality effort it deserved. Therefore, when he read this he was irrate. He said I lied and that I said I would not stop the divorce which I am not doing. I didn't need to get a lawyer and file anything. I could wait the 2 year period in Pa and then let the court sign the papers. However I moved forward with it because I had to.
He wanted us to make our own custody arrangements. HE wanted to control the whole thing and now that he isnt' he is livid and all he says is how much he hates me and how we will fight in court and how he is going to make it ugly etc.. All I could say is this is what you wanted and I am giving it to you. I didn't do anything wrong. I did exactly as I was advised. He tried to say I was wrong, my lawyer was wrong, everything is wrong. I know alot of this comes from his hurt, but to hear it and seperate that is wearing me out. I can't do it anymore. It is all becoming one. It is getting harder to seperate that the words and actions are because he is losing control and not because he sincerely means them.
Where I thought there was love it is quickly becoming hate. And I don't know how to stop that.
Kristi
Don't say "I didn't do anything wrong." Instead, validate and say "I'm sorry you feel that way," and add "I did what I felt I needed to do."
He doesn't deserve anything more than that from you.
Puppy
PUPPY,
Well I actually did say I did what I felt I needed to, along with the I didn't do anything wrong.
Several times he called tonight or I called him. Basically he got to the point where he just said I Don't Love you Anymore. So with that. I ache, I hurt and I know it is over. He says he loves me because I am the mother of his children but other than that he doesn't. So there is really no need to DB anymore. Or even try.
I am going to move the divorce along as quickly as possible so he can be happy and free. All sense of hope is gone right now. I am sure he meant it. He wasn't trying to be mean. He wasn't saying it in a hurtful tone or because he was really angry just a I am fed up this will never work and I don't love you anymore ...kind of way.
So now it is time to just move on and figure out how to do that by myself without trying save my marriage in the process.
Kristi
Kristi,
I'm sorry to jump in at possibly the wrong time but...I hear myself in your words, your feelings, your frustration....your impatience.
You cannot decide anything of value when you are so upset, angry, hurt, agitated, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc....
You and your H are pushing each others buttons so rapidly it's like gunfire when Desert Storm started.
Just stop....it feels like hell doesn't it???
Get out of the fire pit!!!
Let go of everything. Don't do anything, or say anything more while you are so emotionally entangled!
It's hard to 'get'...but, don't say anything more until you are in a completly....completly differnt place. Just put up the STEEL CURTAIN and be a STUBBORN donkey and don't let down.
Your H says so many things just because they come out of his mouth at the time. WORDs WORDs WORDs...mean NOTHING!!
You may stress over each word, believe in each word, make decisions based on each word he says. And, in a month...he'll tell you either he never said such things...or, 'well, stupid things are said in an angry discussion'. And he blows it all off. This happened EVERY SINGLE time my H and I had arguments like you've had this week.
This is why you have to detach from his MIND. His MIND is crazy and makes NO SENSE.
Stop believing your H....and believe what people tell you here. I am not a good enough writer to explain this well enough...but, I have learned a lot from your listeners/readers. Your listeners/readers have reinforced the efforts I have made to detach.
It took me WAY over 18 months to truly feel detached....detached enough to then....LET GO.
You are going through the emotions and steps needed to get to that place.
I see 'that place' as OUT OF the SH*T PIT your H is in.
Your H stinks right now. Let him stink alone!!
Your H feels SO much better when you are right there with him...yelling, arguing, screaming....blah, blah, blah.
Your H feels better when you are being like him!
Your H right now.... is UGLY. DON'T be like him!!
Sophie,
Thank you. I needed that.
I don't even know how many times my H and I talked today. I don't even know what all the conversations were about in the end. But I know the last time we spoke all he said was.. is that it...I just want to go and be sad by myself now. I felt so bad. Actually let me say part of me secretly felt good. It was the first sign that he has some kind of emotions other than hate and anger toward me. He would say he was sad, but it was always said in a conversational tone and it seemed like words. This time I could actually hear the sadness and I swear I hear the break in his voice that sounded like tears coming thru and I thought..finally some real emotion.
I got off the phone and like always I wanted to call back and tell him I loved him etc..but I didn't it just doesn't matter anymore. I guess I am in such a place that I don't see the way out of this for our marriage. A possible way out for me...yes, but not our marriage and so that is what is so sad.
I hear what you are saying about words just being words...but somehow they still hurt so bad.
I am trying to get out combat, but I want to get out without anyone getting killed if you know what I mean. I feel like we are either constantly injuring one another and taking each other down and I am just worried that one day one of us is going to hit the fatal blow and then there will be nothing left of our relationship. NOTHING>
I am feeling slightly better.
Thanks again.
Kristi
PUPPY,
Well I actually did say I did what I felt I needed to, along with the I didn't do anything wrong.
Several times he called tonight or I called him. Basically he got to the point where he just said I Don't Love you Anymore. So with that. I ache, I hurt and I know it is over. He says he loves me because I am the mother of his children but other than that he doesn't. So there is really no need to DB anymore. Or even try.
I am going to move the divorce along as quickly as possible so he can be happy and free. All sense of hope is gone right now. I am sure he meant it. He wasn't trying to be mean. He wasn't saying it in a hurtful tone or because he was really angry just a I am fed up this will never work and I don't love you anymore ...kind of way.
So now it is time to just move on and figure out how to do that by myself without trying save my marriage in the process.
Kristi
Oh please, SO MUCH DRAMA!!!! Self-pity isn't very attractive, Kristi -- knock it off. What he says doesn't mean much right now -- you know that.
Have a good cry, and get back on your DB horse tomorrow. I'm going to check back on you and make sure you do, too, or you're gonna get a good spanking.
Puppy
PUPPY...
I honestly don't know if I can DB anymore. He is sending me all these emails about the custoday arrangements he wants and how he wants to be civil. He doesn't want to fight with me but he has nothing left to give.
He said he tried this summer to see if it would work but what he did was validate his point that we couldn't be together.
In my opinion, all he reall did was try to validate his opinion that it wouldn't work all summer. He didn't actually work on the marriage nor work on trying to make anything between us better. He says it was over the summer he realized that the issues we have just were not going to go away and that we just couldn't be togher.
My only comeback to that is that if you are searching and searching for every reason NOT to be together or make it work then that is what you are going to get. IF he truly wanted to make the marriage work then he would have seen all the postives that were going on as well. But that isn't the case.
So he every chance he got he would say..see this is why we will never be married or ..this is why we can't make it work.etc..
NEVER once did he ever say..wow..keep this going and we could really turn this around. Or anything to that effect. That was what I was saying. NOT him.
So at this point I can not possibly see how I could ever get him to change now. I can not see how when it got this far and he desperately needed to validate and justify his reasonings for leaving how in God's name I could make him think twice or want to work on the marriage now.
I will continue to work on me. Because I have to. I will continue to set goals for me, because I need to. But unless I am totally missing something here what good is DB going to do when it is so clear that he is checked out and done with the M???
Kristi
Kristi...I thought I'd pop in and see how you are doing. Good thing I got here before Puppy...he might blast you for your last post!!! So, I'll offer some hugs and love in case you need them to make it through his post!!! You are still feeling sorry for yourself, and he won't like that.
First off, have you had a chance to read any of the other sitches here on the board? If not, you should read some of them. Almost every WAS says the words your H said about not having anymore to give and about not seeing anyway to make the marriage work. And, it's very common for the WAS to actually say that you'd be better off with the D! So, believe none of what he says...none of it!
Secondly, you can't stop DBing, cause I'm not sure you have even started it! Probably 2 of the most used techniques described in the book are the "stop chasing" and the GAL techniques. Unless I'm missing something, you haven't really done either of those! You are still engaging in R talks with your H on a regular basis. In fact, it appears that you are initiating most of the R talks. He still feels like you are pursuing him. That makes him want to run harder.
And, I hear you mentioning some goals for Kristi, but I haven't seen you post any yet!!!
I'm not being harsh, I'm just pointing out that you might should look at the book again and really think about applying the techniques described. The one thing I can promise you that will come out of that is that you will be in a healthier place in less time than you will be otherwise. I personally can attest to that!!!!!
The other thing that might happen, is that once you are in a healthier place, your H might think, "Hey, look at Kristi. Wow, I want some of what she's got." If that happens, great! If it doesn't, that will be fine too. Remember, you'll already be healthy without him!
Just keep hanging in there. Know there are many, many people here who have been in your same shoes recently! And, know that we will all get through this to a better place soon.
Hugs to you!!!
Amy
Kristi,
What Amy said.
THOUSANDS of marriages have been saved by these techniques. What makes you think yours is so unique???
Puppy
Amy and Puppy,
Thank you both sooo very much. I had a coaching session today also with my DB coach and coupled with your post. I won't give up. Amy you are so right that as much as I believed in my mind I was trying to fix marriage I had not actually done any DB yet. I would start and quickly slip back into old habbits. R talk is my WORST enemy.
I will not let the hope die yet. What I need to do is find a way to chanel the anger and resentment that I have developed over the past few weeks. I believe alot has stemmned from the sleepless nights with my D and him not having to deal with that. Also just having to drive my kids around all over. I don't mind taking them places. It my job I know. But for instance this upcoming weekend I had plans to go to a party..I am still going but I thought it was going to be MY weekend. I was going to just let loose and have a great time, but my H managed to screw that up in my mind...you see my son has b-ball games sat and sun. And I had asked H to take care of kids this weekend. It is also my S weekend to see his biological father. He lives 1.5 hrs away. My H said he would take care of kids but S would have to miss game on sunday b/c he was taking D to a birthday party. Then he said wll what is his arrangement with his dad..His real dad has to work b/c of holidays so he actually will not be going to his house, but before I found that out, my H was so mad that there wasn't a plan he said you take care of S, I am not dealing with that anymore. So that I did. Now my S will be staying home and I have to find someone to watch him. I was planning on staying in a hotel Sat night after the party but now I have to come home b/c I have to get my S to his game Sunday.
I am so angry that he does this to me, because when it is his weekend to go away no one bothers him. He just goes and has a great time. So unfortuantely the anger comes out in our phone conversations. I have to find a way to chanel that. I wish I had a punching bag in the house bC I have the boxing gloves just not a bag..and I could do wonders on a bag right now!!!!
Of course my H is now saying he will take care of our S and he is sorry, but it never should have gotten to that point. I had already changed my plans and canceled reservations.
So I will re-read and take to heart.
As far as goals here they are:
1. Stop calling my H.
2. Limit communications to emails and texts
3. Get myself back to the gym (3x a week until I can fit daily into schedule)
4. Go to happy hour at least 2x a week with co-workers just to get out and be social.
5. Read a book a week..other than a relationship saving book.
6. Eventually look for a new job!!
7. Most importantly..spend more quality time with my kids.
If anyone has any suggestions with the books to read..I would love to hear them.
Thanks
Kristi
Kristi!!!
So, glad to hear you sounding better. I hope your PMA is continuing!!!
The list of goals looks good...just be careful not to bite off more than you can chew...otherwise, you might get discouraged instead of staying motivated.
How are you doing on not calling your H?
As for books, what kind did you have in mind...spiritual, just for fun, etc.?
Do you have any plans for the weekend? My kids and I are having a "movie" night tonight. We are setting up the air mattress in the den and we are gonna all lounge there and watch movies and eat popcorn! The boys are so excited...it's amazing how even the simple things...like actually sitting down with them to watch a movie of their choice in the den...can mean so much.
Check in so I know how you are!
Hugs to you!
Amy
Amy,
This is the weekend I am going to the Holiday party with my friend. I am pretty excited about it.
As far as PMA..not so sure how that is holding up. I am looking forward to doing things for myself, but I can not get rid of this anger that is building inside me. For some reason over this past week it has gotten worst. I think this is why....I feel as if the entire year I spent trying to make things work. I spent my time and energy trying to find ways to fix things and look for the positives in our relationship. I know I haven't always been the best at keeping the changes going and more that a few times I have backslid into old habbits. However, I feel like my H spent the time looking for ways just to justify why he should leave.
When he says he tried, I feel like he did try...what he tried to do was find every opportunity over the year to validate and justify is reasoning for wanting to leave. Everytime we got to close he would pull away again. When it looked like we were on track then he would back off. Looking back I don't think he ever wanted it to work. I think he was really scared. He needed it not to work, because that would make him right. He had to be right. He always has to be right. So if he could take every argument, every failed attempt, every backslide, every little tid bit he did it and he would say...see this is why..and now he says he spent the year trying to validate he reason for saying he wanted a divorce back in Feb.
That really angers me. That makes me feel like all the work I was doing he was purposely trying to sabatage it because he only was looking for reasons to justify why we shouldn't be together not why we should.
So lately I have more anger toward him then I ever have. I feel like he was a coward and a liar and although we both contributed to the breakdown of our M in the end he failed us.
Granted I realize I didn't do the best as far as DB went. And so I guess I did give him some reasons to feel that things wouldn't change, but I gave him many to believe they did and would. And he looked past all of those.
I don't want to hate him, I dont want to be angry. It makes me feel like an ugly person, but I don't know how to let it go. I want to explode just thinking about it. I want to email him and tell him all the things I am feeling. I want him to know how much he has hurt me and how much I think he is a quitter and a coward.
How do I just let that go and work on myself and forget about him???
AMY.
btw...Have a great time with your kids. Mine love to do the same with the air mattress and movies.
Let me know what movie you watch we are always looking for something good.
As far as books. I think I am at the point of anything that isn't self help. I have read so many self help and am also buying a few more...hopefully soon I will actually get in the habbit of practicing some of these...
so unless you have a really great one that you feel really made an impact I just want to read anything that can take my mind off my R and my problems and put me in a world of fiction and fantasy!!
Have a great weekend. I will let you know how my party goes. I am hoping that there will be a slew of single men there.
Kristi!!!! The party will be so much fun...just getting to dress up a little and go out without the kids. If there aren't a slew of single men that might even be better! The single ones aren't safe for you right now!!!
The anger...wow! That one's tough. I prayed and prayed and still pray about mine. I had an incident this week that brought all the anger back for a little bit. But, the best news was that I got over that pretty quickly and back to my good place.
What I try to recognize about my H is that he really is not thinking straight. Dealing with him is like dealing with the kids now...they don't think rationally like I (at least I hope) do. He doesn't think rationally either anymore. I can't stay mad at the kids long because I recognize their limitations. While I can't explain my H's limitations (there's no reason he should have them), if I recognize he has them, it's easier not to be so angry.
For the longest time (and even this week), I kept expecting him to behave like I thought he should...like a reasonable adult male, a father, a husband. And, when he didn't, I'd be infuriated. You do get to a time when you stop expecting that. Then you are not disappointed so easily.
My H did what you describe yours doing. In August of 2006 he came home one day from fishing with friends and was mad at me. I didn't know why. When I pushed, he said we were just too different and that made things hard. I don't know what prompted that, but I spent some time making a list of all the things we had in common and all of our "complimentary" differences. I even did list big differences so he would see I was being open-minded. He read the lists, said I was right, and put them away. Two months later he slept with OW for the 1st time. Throughout the past 2 years, he's always come back to that...the idea that we are too different. He says he tried to work on the M in his own way. I'm not sure that sleeping with OW was the best way to go about working on our M, but I honestly do now believe that he's convinced himself that he tried.
I guess I told you that story just to remind you that they all say the same things, and we shouldn't be believing any of what they say. I mean...how adsurd that my H would claim to have been working on our M while he was sleeping with another woman. You need to untie your emotions from his words and actions. You can do that...you just have to decide to.
You sound better...I'm glad you checked in!!! I hope you have a great time at the party and a wonderful weekend all around.
BTW, if you just looking for something fun to read, I recommend Janet Evanovich! I literally laugh out loud at her books...they can be a little "off-color" so consider yourself warned!
Hugs to you!
Amy
Thanks for the tidbit on the books. I will check them out.. A good laugh is well welcomed right now.
I will let you know how the party goes. I can't wait. I just rented a room. My friend and I decided to rent one so we can go pre-drink..before the event..have a blast and not have to worry about driving home. I don't plan to get too intoxicated.. But I am looking forward to a night without kids a whole lot of adult conversation.
Kristi,
If that post I sent to lovehimso that I thought was you, and it wasn't....so I sent it to you.....and it still wasn't the right person......I wonder who the heck I was suppose to send it to???
Man, to think I wasted all those words! (lol)
To tell you the truth, there are three or four of you that I am talking to whose stories are so much alike until I am sure that i did get it confussed. Maybe somebody will stumble across it and think..."Oh, that must have been for me". (lol)
Well, okay, now to get a little more serious. You know, I asked AmyM to come visit you b/c you were having a hard time detaching and you said things that made me think of her in the beginning of her thread. I wanted you to see not only what a terrific gal she is, but that she is coming out the winner in her stitch. Yes, they are getting a D. However, he is the looser (the jerk) and someday he will wake up and ask himself how could he ever have been such a fool. But, he will have messed his life up so much by then.....and the thing is....Amy is going on with hers! She has decided that he will not ruin her life and that she can make it without him and can, in fact, be happy without him a part of her life. I assure you that was not her thinking not long ago. She has "grown" as her own person that much in just a very few weeks. And, Kristi, you can too! She was just as discouraged as you are. She loved her H so much she didn't think she could breathe without him. But, she learned that she could. She has learned a lot and I am so proud of her that I could pop!
I think I told you.....maybe not....but I have told so many that DBing is for YOU to survive and come out a winner. You went into this thinking it was going to change him....or that you were going to change him. You made the statement that nothing is going to change him. The point was not to change him. The point was to change yourself.
I can see where the two of you have a very toxin R and talk about pushing buttons.....wow, I would think you both took the prize, but you don't. You see, there have been too many just like you before you came along here to join our community. So, the help is here for you. Just you sweetheart. We can't help him. But, there are a lot of us that would like to help you if we can and if you will let us......and if you will work with us.
I know you are full of so much anger right now. I don't blame you. Knowing my temperment......I would be worse than angry! Maybe the punching bag would be a good idea. You want to hear something funny? I had just posted to a young lady that is going through much of what you are with her H being so angry and I had just suggested that she buy him a punching bag and gloves. Then I suggested that she go to one of those kick boxing classes or self-defense classes. I would love to do that b/c they say it makes you feel so great! Anyway, when I read what you said about the punching bag, I couldn't help but laugh. In all seriousness, you do need to find something to channel your anger. Amy runs and I think that has helped get a lot of her frustration out of her mind, body, and spirit. If that isn't your cup of tea.....find something that is. I plead with you to do that b/c your anger is going to end up hurting your kids. You won't mean for it to.......but that is what will happen. I know you don't want that. To harbor so much anger for a long time is very, very dangerous to your health and to your kids. It will come out....some way some how. In harsh words, attitude, having a heart attack.....anything. So, I plead with you to try to find something to beat on until you feel better.....LOL (just not a person...that might get you into trouble).
I am glad to hear your response to Amy and Puppy and hear you say that you aren't giving up. Life goes on. I know, I know....easy words for me to say. You probably want to vomit hearing clichés like that all the time from others. But, it is true and some day down the road, you will be the one trying to give enough hope to some discouraged poster, telling them not to give up and to hang on. You will make it through this, Kristi.....you will.
You take care of yourself and those kids. Find some funny movies to watch and good mystery books....humor, whatever that will help you to forget about all this other junk. You need a break. That is why you were so upset over not getting to have "Your weekend" b/c you are worn out with all this mess and you need a break from it all. You are also mad b/c it seems like life is being very unfair to you and showing favor to your H where freedom and responsibility is concerned. Don't worry, what goes around comes around. Oh....another cliché ...oh well. Guess I just better shut up and go.
Do take care of yourself.
Sandi
Hey all,
Well the party was a great time. Honestley until the end fo the night it was a little hard. Everytime I looked around there were just all these couples together and it was hard to not think that..wow I used to have that too and now I don't have anyone. It just seemed as if everyone either was married or had a date. No one really came in groups of friends of alone, so it was a constant reminder of being a lone for the holidays.
But by the end of the night. We started to have a great time. I met a few really nice people (co-workers of my friend) and we hung out all night even after the party.
I came home today and my husband took the rest of his clothes our of bedroom. He said he wanted to make sure his stuff wasn't in my way. Which of course it wasn't. I think because we just had some nasty conversations this past week, esp with as much anger as I had, he felt the need to find another way to really get at me. He new his stuff wasn't in the way. It wasn't even stuff he was wearing right now, but he made sure to take most of it..and yet leave a few piles still b/c he said he couldn't fit those in his car. Which was so not true because he still had plenty of room in his car and there wasn't too much left.
It really really hurt that he did this. After he left and he knew I was upset he sent me a text saying he was sorry that things were rough right now. That one day they will not be so hard and we will both be able to move on with our lives. To try and enjoy the rest of my weekend, because I deserve having a great weekend.
I never responded to this. I guess I felt like he took all his stuff, which I knew in time he would need to do, but at this point he doesn't have a place to live other than his moms and he had kept saying he was going to keep that stuff here until he would need it as long as it wasn't in the way, so he did this just to hurt me. He knows I don't want him to leave but this was him making his point again. And he does it and then tells me to enjoy my weekend. That is so hypocritical to me.
Anyway. I know I am just rambling. this week will be very emotional for me. Friday will be our 10 year anniversary and I am having a hard time with that. I just want to get through all this holiday stuff. Everything this time a year is a constant reminder of us not being together because we always did so much together as a family.
I am sure I will be on the boards alot this week. I am trying to maintail to PMA but it is really hard right now. I am planning so fun stuff for Friday so I won't be alone..at this point I am going to participate in a all womens Texas Holdem Poker Party with a Friend!! So that should be a lot of fun.
I just wish that every minute my mind wouldn't wonder back to my H. Even in my dreams I wake up thinking about the situtation. It is getting so bad. I am so upset my it and what has happened and the feelings of regret are starting to sink in as well.
Well tonight it is just me and my S...My H is keeping our D until the morning but since my S had basketball all weekend he couldn't go with his dad, so we are going to go watch a movie and eat dinner together. Its the first night in long time I will get to do anything with just my S. So I am looking forward to it. He doesn't talk much about his feelings on the situation but I think he is looking forward to spending time with just me too.
Have a great night everyone and a wonderful week.
Talk to you all this week I am sure.
Love ya.
Kristi
Kristi, you stay on the board as much as you need to. This will be hard with your anniversary and holidays coming right behind it. That was thoughtless of your H to do that little number on you. It is as though he wants to do something so you can be sure to see him and get him in your mind so he won't lose his "place" there. I know that ticks you off and it would me also. There is just no easy way around this or through it. But getting friends to be with so you won't be alone is the best thing. I know it seems as though everyone has a partner at parties, but you are just starting out. People who have lost their spouse always feel that way when they go anywhere there is a lot of folks. They feel like a fifth wheel on a car. It just takes time. Believe me, you are not the only one that does not have somebody right now. If you could find a buddy to go with you to these parties, it would help you not feel so out of place. Even another lady would at least help you not feel so alone and you'd have somebody there to talk to when you felt all the "couples" were nose to nose in dancing or conversation.
Just come here as much as you want and vent all you want to. We are here for you.
Sandi
Kristi...glad the party turned out to be fun. It does get easier to go without a date...I did that Saturday night for the office party. I was the only one without a date, but, I still had a blast. You'll get there!!!!
Hopefully, you and S had a great time last night. Just stay busy for the next few weeks. I know the anniversary will be tough...so, if you have plans to keep your mind off of it...that will be better.
At least your H took his things in front of you...when the weather turned cold, my H came and took a few of his winter clothes while I wasn't at home. Then, he tried to cover up that he'd done it. I was mad about that...so, for the next few weeks, everytime he came over to get the boys or drop them off, I had a stack of clothes ready to go with him. That helped me feel in control of the sitch which I needed at the time. Maybe that's something you should think about.
I'll keep checking in on you this week. Take care and stay busy!!!
Love ya!
Amy
Well last night I was reading a book about how to heal and get rid of anger and resentment and move on to try and heal your relationship, whether your together or not.
Here is what I wrote:
H, These past few weeks have been extremely hard. I think that has been evident in our conversations and interactions. I hope you know that the words I spoke over the past several weeks were out of anger, hurt, frustration and really just from a dark place.
At this point all I want you to know is that I will continue to work on learning to trust you. I am not going to do this because you and I will ever be together, I know we won't. I am doing this because I want to. I don't like the person I am when I can not trust you. It is my desire to learn to forgive all that has happened because I don't like the bitterness or the cynical way I act when I feel like I can not have faith in you. That is not the person I was when we met and I do not want to live like that going forward.
I also want you to know that as much as I do not want you to leave my life, I accept and understand that it is your wish to do so. So please be happy. Live your live knowing you will always be loved. Live knowing that you were always loved. As of now, I no longer think of you as my husband, my lover, or the person who should be here with me. You are now just ..., a man I loved more than life. A superior father, a great friend, and a very dedicated worker. Goodbye ... - I say this so you know I am letting you go. You are out of my life as you wished. It is the hardest goodbye letter I think I will ever write in my life, as I still do not want to say that to you. But you are right it is necessary. You need to be free. You need to go on and do what makes you happy. And in time I will do the same. I will not fight you anymore. I don't have it in me to fight someone I love and care about so much.....
That was my letting him go letter, I needed to let him know that I couldn't keep the anger going anymore because it was eating me up. I love him with all my heart but I can not continue to fight with him. If he needs to be out of my life than I will have to learn to accept that. As unnatural as it was to write that letter and as hard as it was to do, it needed to be done.
He sent me back a text, saying he got it but needed time to process what I was saying. I thought it was pretty clear. I am not sure what needs to be processed. In time we can possibly be friends but to constantly fight is killing me. I realized that I have suffered long enough. I know I will continue to suffer and I am sure that these next few weeks/months will be more than difficult because I still do not want him gone but I can no longer think of him as my H. He is just a man. Whatever he does it is his life now, not our life. That concept is really hard to crasp. But I understand. It will hurt terribly to watch him move on, date and be happy without me. But I love him enough to let him go.
I can't stand the person I have become. I was never so bitter or angry. I hate that I feel so dependent on him. I realized that I held him responsible for how our relationship would go. If he treated me great, I treated him great. If he treated me lousy or rejected me.. I did the same. I don't know that I did it on purpose, I guess I just realized that I did it because I felt if he isn't going to show me love then why should I show him.
But now I know that if I truly love him the way I say I do, then I would show him that no matter what. It doesn't matter if he wants to leave or what he says or how he hurts me. I love him. And he needs to know that. He needs to see that. NOt just hear it. So I took a big step in saying goodbye. I told him I will not fight and I won't. I know that will be hard and I am sure everytime I want to yell or scream I will be here yellling and screaming on these boards. But I can't do this any logner to myself or my kids.
I know he is leaving. HE has proven that over and over. I think this weekend with his getting his stuff out was just the final blow I needed to see that he means business. He isn't coming back. He doesn't want to, and in all honesty I haven't given him any good reasons to come back. So maybe in time it will be different who knows. Maybe not. I guess we will just wait and see. But until then I have to find a way to stop thinking about him every minute.
I miss him very much, but a lot of the anger has passed. All the hurtful words do not seem to matter right now. They were just words. The loss is what is what I am having the harder time dealing with.
Thanks for all your support.
I really needed it and will continue to need it now on this journey.
Love you all
Kristi
Wow Kristi, don't make it sound like a good-bye letter to us too! We want you to stay with us, sweetie. You will need us to get through all of this.....b/c well b/c we are so terrific!
Okay, not funny, but I am trying to get you to see that it is not over for
you. Well, let me do my "Sandi thing" here:
That is not the person I was when we met and I do not want to live like that going forward.
Ahhhh, now I liked that statement very much! It showed a heck of a lot of PMA. That told him more than all the previous sentences before you said that. It tells him that you are not going to sit around on your backside crying a river over him and that you plan to start living again.....and it will be without him! Love it....I just love it, girl. You see, you
do have spunk!
As of now, I no longer think of you as my husband, my lover, or the person who should be here with me.
You are now just ..., a man I loved more than life.
Yeah, that was good. It tells him what he has lost.
I say this so you know I am letting you go. You are out of my life as you wished.
Yep, it was
his choice, glad you reminded him of that.
I thought the rest of it was a little thick, but that's okay, it was you and your way of talking and what you wanted to say. Now, the hard part, Kristi, will be sticking to your word. Can you do that? You must do that unless......unless he had a complete turn around and comes to his senses and wakes up and
begs you to take him back and let everything else he has on the side.....go for good. And, I think he would have to prove it first. But that is just me.
He sent me back a text, saying he got it but needed time to process what I was saying. I thought it was pretty clear. I am not sure what needs to be processed.
Well, I use to not know this about men, but the truth is that they have to have time for it to
soak into their minds what we women have said to them. After it soaks, then they have to let it
stir around in there a while. Then finally after so long of a time, it dawns upon them what we were saying! That is what they mean when they say they "have to process it". Interesting, huh? The differences between the sexes. You know that science has proven that men are born brain damaged. It's true! I wouldn't make something like that up. I watched it on TV. That is why it takes them so long to figure things out......and to "process" what has been said.....especially by a woman.....and most especially if she is his wife.
I realized that I have suffered long enough.
It is called self survival, baby. You have got to get out and not let him pull you down with him and drown you both.
I know I will continue to suffer and I am sure that these next few weeks/months will be more than difficult because I still do not want him gone but I can no longer think of him as my H.
You probably have never spoken more truer words in your life. The next few weeks, and especially this time of year, may feel like hell on earth for you. It will take more strength than you have ever needed on your worst day. But Kristi, you have shown us, and shown him, that you can have that strength. You made the first move toward that strength when you sent that letter. Getting through it will be tough and I won't pretend it will be any other way, but there are a lot of women right here on this board that have chosen to do what you have. They have chosen not to be a pile of poop and instead they have decided to stand up and find their self respect and have some grit and spunk and go out there and get a life. "He is just a man"....that is right. He is just a man......you can live without him. You may feel that he is the very air you breathe, but he is not. You will find that out little by little and every day that you make it through without him and find out you can stand on your own two, very proud, feet.....you will learn to love Kristi more and more.
Whatever he does it is his life now, not our life. That concept is really hard to crasp. But I understand. It will hurt terribly to watch him move on, date and be happy without me. But I love him enough to let him go.
Yes, my darling girl, that really is true love. It is sad love, but given in the right way it is one of the greatest loves (outside of laying down your life) that I can see between a man and woman. To set the one you love free b/c he no longer wants to be with you, and know that it is going to hurt so much to see him happy without you.....that is love. You are being realistic to know that he will date and you won't be his life any longer....you won't be the most important person to him anymore....and yet you are willing to let him go b/c that is what he wants.....that is very unselfish love. But, it is also self preservation. As you said, you cannot continue the way you have b/c it is killing you.
I can't stand the person I have become. I was never so bitter or angry. I hate that I feel so dependent on him. I realized that I held him responsible for how our relationship would go. If he treated me great, I treated him great. If he treated me lousy or rejected me.. I did the same. I don't know that I did it on purpose, I guess I just realized that I did it because I felt if he isn't going to show me love then why should I show him.
But that is all in the past now.
Learn from this experience and become a better person b/c of it.
He isn't coming back. He doesn't want to, and in all honesty I haven't given him any good reasons to come back. So maybe in time it will be different who knows. Maybe not. I guess we will just wait and see. But until then I have to find a way to stop thinking about him every minute.
Okay, for one thing, please stop beating yourself down until you will never be able to stand back up. You have punished yourself enough.....deal? Yes, you do have to find a way to stop thinking about him every minute. You know what that takes? It takes a lot of work! It takes planning for every thing in advance, so that you won't be alone when there are special events coming up, or you just know that you are going to have a lonly weekend ahead or just to stay busy. It means "forcing" yourself to get out of your comfort zone and go to some new places....and maybe even alone (which will feel scary...but fake it) and it means to learn to try new things that you haven't allowed yourself to do before. It means meeting new people and making new friends. That means that you have to be bold and not wait for somebody else to walk up to you....but instead YOU walk up to them and say, "Hi, I'm Kristi" and start from there. So many people are in that boat with you sweetheart. It doesn't take your pain away, but just know that you are not as alone as you may think. I don't know how many friends you have, but turn to the ones you have. If they are toxin to you right now....then don't get around them. If your relatives give you a hard time....stay away. Find people that make you feel good and energize you and help to build your self esteem until you are strong enough that you can do it on your own. If you are a Christian, go to a good church that will feed your soul and you will leave feeling great that you went. There are so many things out there, honey, that I want you to run after. Please, I beg of you, don't sit home and waste your life pining away for this man.
I know that my stitch is nothing like yours, but if I had the opportunity to have another chance at "life" and take all I could get.....I would inhale in for all it was worth. I went to the doctor today and he looked at me and I brust into tears. I could not even talk for several minutes. He asked me why I was so depressed and I finally told him b/c this desease has robbed me of almost everything in my life. My greatest fear is ending up completly bedfast. I had rather be dead than live like that. So, if you are healthy, go for the gusto, as they use to say. Enjoy life and all that it has to offer b/c you don't know when that may be taken away. Sorry, I didn't mean to have my own little pity party, I was just trying to make a point with you. I wanted so badly to try to tell you that your life is far from over. You are young and have many years ahead of you.....and hopefully, healthy and full of fun and loving years. That's all......just make every day count. Do the very best to be your best, Kristi. I believe in you! I know you can do this. I want you to take very good care of yourself. You come back as often as you need to and as many times a day as you need to and talk, vent, whatever......and we will be here for you.....okay?
Love,
Sandi
Hi Sandi,
Sticking to what I said is going to be extremely hard, but I know I have to do it. Looking back over the last year that has been a HUGE problem for me. I would always say things like well I am not going to talke to you..or I am done, or that won't happen again..you get the point and it ALWAYS happened again. I don't think he had much confidence in me to keep my word.
I always meant what I said and I stuck with it for few days sometimes weeks but when I didn't get the results I was looking for I just fell back into old habit really quickly. I never gave it another thought until I realized what I did and then I would do it all over again.
So many times I would hear him say.."yeah I heard that before"..and I would get so frustrated mostly with myself because I knew that I did that. I never did follow through. For things that were unnatural and painful I didn't want to let go. I clung and hung on so hard that I know I didn't allow him to see that we could have made a comeback.
This time I have to do this, not just for him, but for me. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. That I can let go even though I don't want to. I know I don't have a choice. He is going anyway. So hanging on isn't doing me any good. The fighting isn't doing me any good. The holding onto resentment isn't doing me any good.
If he can't see what I can. And he doesn't know what I know, which is that we ABSOLUTELY could have been fabulous together. If he doesn't have that awareness and willingess to see it I can not fault him for it. He just doesn't have it. And it is his loss. Its all of our losses.
He is a very intelligent man, I think he understands what I am saying, so to say he needs time to process it, I think is more of his way of saying he needs to see this in action to believe it. To hear the words doesn't really make an effect on him, yet, but when he starts to notice that I am not there telling him how much I love him anymore and that I want him back. And that I won't fight with him, I think he may be surprised. I think only then will he believe what I said. How that will effect him. I don't know. He may be relieved that I finally let go or he may not. That of course is something only time will tell.
As much as he tells me to move on, I secretely think he enjoys having me reinforce my feelings over and over to him. He doesn't have to return them but it makes him feel good about himself. Now he won't have that, he may just go out and find it somewhere else, and that will hurt. But I can't cry the way I do all the time. I want to enjoy life, not dread what is left of it because I lost my H and my marriage ended.
I still wish this wasn't happening and I wish I could do something about it, but I can't.
Thanks for being so great.
I hope one day I can return the favor to you.
take care of yourself. You are an amazing woman.
Love
Kristi
I always meant what I said and I stuck with it for few days sometimes weeks but when I didn't get the results I was looking for I just fell back into old habit really quickly. I never gave it another thought until I realized what I did and then I would do it all over again.
You are not alone in that category. We have all done that before. It is probably one of the hardest things to do is stick to what you determine in your mind at that time. Then when a few days pass, it gets tough. So, you know what is facing you and I think you are being very realistic about it and that is why I believe you will be able to do this, Kristi. Plus you have your friends here to encourage you. And, BTW, if you venture out to other people's stories and read there posts, you know it is okay for you to say something to them. You know what a lot of women in your shoes are going through and you could probably give them some words of experience. That also will help you to stick to your resolve.
So many times I would hear him say.."yeah I heard that before"..and I would get so frustrated mostly with myself because I knew that I did that. I never did follow through.
Yeah, sounds like me telling my H that I am going on a diet......and he just rolls his eyes b/c he has heard it so many times and I don't follow through. So, let's just make a believer out of ourself.....I am with you! May be different circumstances and yours is more serious in a way than mine is, but my doctor said I either had to lose the weight or face some very serious consequences, so I have got to face my weaknesses and get out of my comfort zone, also, and do what is hard for me to do. It might sound "crazy" to even compare the two challenges, but a challenge is a challenge.....regardless of what area of our life it may be. The important thing is to have each other's support. You have mine......so I hope I will have yours.....okay? I will need you to urge me on and keep telling me that I can beat this thing and I can get better.
This time I have to do this, not just for him, but for me. I need to prove to myself that I can do this.
That is why I think you will do it this time, Kristi. It is for you and you feel that you must do this for you and to prove this to you.....it goes back to all that self respect. I know if I lose all this weight that my self esteem will rise again. I know I will feel better about myself for a hundred different reason. But most of all, I know I must do this if I am going to live.
And it is his loss. Its all of our losses.
Yes it is sweetie. So, like I said, just learn from the past and stop beating yourself up b/c you cannot grow and get better as long as you beat yourself down all the time. Did you realize that? We have to have those little talks to ourselves and give ourselves all that affirmation that we need. May feel silly at first, but it works. You have to believe in yourself before you can improve. Just look at yourself in that mirror and tell yourself how good you are, how strong a person you are, how smart you are, and that you will do this. In fact, just silently (if you are around people...lol) talk to yourself all day and keep telling yourself these things to reinforce your strength.
He is a very intelligent man, I think he understands what I am saying, so to say he needs time to process it, I think is more of his way of saying he needs to see this in action to believe it.
I'm sure he is and I hope I was not offensive when in my statements about the men and their reasons for having to process what we say. I was just trying to give you a laugh (my weird sense of humor...again) b/c I give the guys a hard time.
I am sure he is going to miss you feeding his ego and him not having to put forth any effort to return any emotional support to you. Sounds pretty selfish to me. I know there will be days that the tears will come for you, but just keep making yourself push forward. AmyM is doing it and just the same day that you made your decision to drop the rope and move on.....so did Tawyna. So, that is just three of you right there all in a matter of a short period of time. The three of you can support one another. But there are many, many more here on the board just like you. I hope you will seek them out and you all help one another.
Again, I will be here for you. I may not say all the things you need to hear, but I will be a friend for you to vent to. I do believe in you b/c I think you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I think we all are.
I hope you have a good day. Will be thinking about you.
Take care,
Sandi
{{{{Kristi}}}} Sandi told me that we were having a "similar sitch" moment this past weekend and so I headed over here to give you hugs and encouragement and another shoulder if you need one my friend!
I had posted on your sitch when you very first started due to our similarities, but then I think I saw Sandi (the wonderful woman) take you under her wing..so I stopped checking in on you, and I apologize for that!
You know WOW you are so much stronger than you think you are to have written a letter like that..WOWOWOW..give yourself a huge amount of credit for that..that takes amazing guts and strength my friend!!
When you wrote "What he does is his life not our life and that is hard to grasp"..THAT is so exactly how I feel..it just feels so crazy and wrong..but we DO have to love them enough..and you know what, LOVE OURSELVES enough to let them go and do what they think they need to do..
Sandi's right about having to be super strong with Christmas coming up and New Year's and not feeling like "caving" from what we've said in our stand for ourselves..but my mom told me yesterday, she said "your one and only goal for Christmas should be just to GET THRU IT and be proud that you did"..
I'm taking a trip to meet up with some ladies from the board this weekend, but it will be the FIRST TIME in my 39 years that I have driven like 5-6 hours by myself like that anywhere..so that's kinda cool and scary all at the same time..
Hugs to you!
Tawnya
TAWNYA,
That is so awesome to take that kind of trip. Have a blast.
Thanks for checking in on me. Its been really kind of surreal the past couple of days. Some moments I can't believe I sent that. I know I NEED to let go but letting go is so hard. But looking back I guess he has been gone for so long and I don't know what I am really holding on too. The memories and the desire to have him back I guess. But he is not really present so the pain I keep causing myself over and over by trying just isn't worth it.
Your mom is a smart women. Just getting thru the Holidays should be the only goal. I will be soooooo happy when they are over with. I haven't even bought any gifts yet. I am in serious denial about them. I just want to push Christmas as far away as possible and hope that it doesn't happen. But I can't do that for my kids they need to celebrate.
I wish you the best of luck this holiday season. If there is anything I can do for you. IF you need to vent or talk.. you can reach out to me any time. Have a wonderful trip. Be safe driving and enjoy yourself.
I can't thank Sandi enough for sending you wonderful ladies my way. You have all been so inspirational and life savors when you didn't even know you were.
Thanks again.
Love
Kristi
{{{Kristi}}} I really know what you mean about "what are we hanging on to"..I think we are hanging on to what we THINK it should be, what we know it was, and what we know it COULD be if only they'd see it that way too and realize that we are WORTH it..
I guess, though, in reality, we need to realize WE ARE worth it, realize and mean that it is "their loss", and keep putting one foot in front of the other and someone learning to love ourselves and one day we'll wake up and realize we are okay without them or with them..
Don't beat yourself up by wondering why you are still hanging on, this is a person you've spent 12 years of your life with, you are totally allowed to feel 100 different ways, and sometimes all within the same day *LOL*..sometimes within the same minute if you are like me LOL
Thank YOU for telling me I can come vent and the same holds true for you and, I tell you what, let's just help each other get thru this next few weeks..and realize that 2009 will be the year of US
(sounds crazy to me..but we need something to look forward to eh?)
Tawnya
Yo T
speaking a t's ...t-9 days ..isn't it. Kinda can't wait for it to be over. Though I will so enjoy focussing on Jesus and what he means to me and the joy He brings me and the Salvation. The Salvation ..wow the Salvation
As I was remarking to another Believer this AM, I really and truly don't know how people in this society that we live in can tread through the mayhem and chaos that is life with out Jesus our Savior. I pity them and I will keep trying to do all in my power to spread the Good News as I must to decrease their numbers
Morning, Kristi! I hope you doing okay today. Just hang in there...somedays that's all you can do. I do believe it's a huge step that you took, and you should be proud of yourself for that. You just have to keep being sticking to your guns and being proud of yourself everytime you resist the urge to give in!
Have you read any of Tawnya's thread? If not, I suggest you do. This weekend she asked her H to leave after the first of the year. He's taking a trip over the holidays with another woman. She decided to ask him to leave because she realized that she deserves better than that! And, she's right, we all do!!!!!
You will find that you are stronger than you ever imagined. And, in the near future, you will begin to be really excited about all the things you might like to try/do that you wouldn't have done otherwise.
Can you make some fun plans for the weekend?
Do you have a FB account?
Keep your chin up!!! Hugs to you!!!
Amy
I had read some of Tawyna's posts earlier on, but I will go back and look and what is happening now.
What is an FB account? I feel kinda silly for asking but I really don't know what that means.
I have had to resist several urges so far but it is definatley getting easier. Deep down I think I keep hoping that he will just wake up and change his mind, but I know that is not going to happen.
The other day at my son's b-ball game I had to run the snack bar and I was talking with one of his classmates mom's. I remembered that she got divorced years ago. We just started talking about christmas and she mentioned something about it being hard b/c she was divorced and I said how I was in the process of getting divorced.. As the conversation went on it was funny because her and her ex are good friend now, in fact he wants her back. She said he comes over all the time and has said to her recently.."remember when you told me I would regret this..well I regret all of this.." But she doesn't want him back now. She doesn't mind being friends but she has no desire to have him back as her husband. Its been six years since they got divorced. So I guess it just goes to show that anything is possible. They have 3 great kids together and they share custody. She said it was really hard at first but as much as he tries she just can not imagine taking him back because he didn't care enought then to listen to her when she tried to tell him what was wrong.
I am trying to find some stuff to do this weekend. A friend of mine invited me to an all ladies poker game. And I have some shopping I have to get done.
I have all next week off of work, so I am looking forward to just relaxing a bit. I thought about going on a mini vacation by myself but I really don't want to spend too much money right now. I spent a lot last weekend, and with christmas. My H just bought our D a laptop and our S an ipod touch. I just wish he would have consulted with me. I hate surprises on the credit card!! I really need to start closing our accts. EVERYTHING is still joinly owned.
How did the movie night go with your sons last Friday??
Sandi,
I know you can do whatever you put your mind too. You are so inspirational.
I had gained some weight over the years. I was very depressed about it, because I was a very athletic person and I loved to work out. I was never stick skinny and never wanted to be. But I was much thinner when my H and I got married and even right after I had my D. Then my tyroid went and I got really tired all the time. I didn't eat right either. I didn't eat a lot just not right. I didnt' know I was hypoglycemic. I spent years going to the dr and trying countless diets. just like you.
I found a DR. last Dec, He was recommended by a friend of mine. I swear he saved my life. He is a actually a chirpractic physcian is his title but he also deals with nutrition. I had to bring him all my lab work that my family dr had ever done on me. And then he sent me for a slew of tests. I spent the entire day at a lab getting blood work done.
After all that I was diagnosis with the hypoglemia and chronic fatigue syndrome. He started me on a lot of supplements and minerals. And I have never felt better. In 6 months I had lost 45lbs. None of it is perscription. I did work out. But not excessively. I take natural supplements to help with depression and anxiety.
I don't know what other problems you may have, but I know that some of the biggest contributors that helped me were the b vitamins, I take what I would call super charged b-6, b-2 and b-complex. I think some can be found online but they are not your normal b-complex that you buy on the supermarket shelf. Unfortunately it is quite expensive, but if are ever interested. There is a web site that you can go and have the tests done and they can make recommendations to you.
I refuse to do perscription pills. Knowing what I have learned. And I also take courses in nutrition, this has been one of the biggest changes in my life. I used to have constant brain fog, but no more. I always took vitamins I just didn't realize what I was really needing and all the times I went to the dr they would just give me more pills and that made it worse, I needed to clean out my system and once I did I was able to get healthy and the weight came off.
Some people are very skeptical, but I swear by it. I know it changed my life.
Let me know if I can help in any way.
Hugs..
Kristi
Sandi,
Kristi's right. That's how I lost my weight, too, and, I swear, part of the mix we put our bi-polar son on (and he's doing great, straight A's in 8th grade) although he has some prescription meds. It would be worth looking into.
-AlexEn
Kristi
I think this is my first post to you.
I applaud your effort of dropping the rope.
It is a necessary step for you to move forward.
Keep this in mind, this is HIS lost, not yours.
Stay focus on yourself and keep on GAL...better days are coming.
I think is great idea to the poker game....just go 'ALL IN' on every hands...LOL
Enjoy the week off...you are doing great.
NW626
{{Kristi}} Thanks for reading my thread..I appreciate it and thanks Amy for sending her my way..
I love the thought of the all girls poker game..that sounds like a lot of fun..let us know how you do and hope you WIN BIG!!
It IS interesting isn't it about people realizing their mistakes, of course I'm sure your friend would like to have her hub realize his stupidity much sooner..which is why she had to get a life for herself and now she wouldn't take him back..that is an interesting journey isn't it?
If you can do something fun for yourself next week while you are off that wouldn't be super expensive, I'd say try to do that and keep yourself busy..can you get a massage or a haircut or just something for you?
Tawnya
Tawnya..
A massage sounds fabulous. I think I am going to look into that. I could REALLY use one.
I most certainly will let you know how the poker game turns out. I think this week they are doing something different. From my understanding they play once a month.. ususally for money. Its a 25.00 buy in. But since it is the holidays its gift buy in of sorts. You have to bring a gift and then that is exchanged instead of money this time only. So either way it should be fun.
I think its a great thing I can't wait. I would have loved to join to group sooner.
Talk to you soon. I am at work and I am getting ready to leave.
love
Kristi
OOhh..{{{Kristi}} Good for you..massages are AMAZINGLY great aren't they?
That game sounds like loads of fun and a good "get out and have fun" night for you for sure
Tawnya
Gosh.....and to think I was trying to introduce the two of you girls (Tawnya and Kristi) over on Tawnya's thread.....come over here and there is a dozen posts back and forth already!! I love it when a plan comes together
Kristi, I am interested in what you were saying about the natural supplements, etc. I thought I had told everyone on the board by now and I'm sure they are sick of hearing about it, but I have Fibromyalgia and of course the Chronic Fatigue goes along with it. In fact, I am bothered as much by the fatigue as I am the pain of the fibro. I have to take at least 500 mg of B-6 everyday or the carpel tunnel in my hands get so bad I can't use them. I have to wear braces on my hands at night or I can't sleep. I am on a ton of medication and every doctor I go to puts me on more. My stomach is so tender from all the meds that I can't tollerate much more. My sister was into selling some very expensive natural juices and supplements that had everything that the body was suppose to need. However, I took them about three months and could tell no difference at all. It was too expensive for me to continue and it not helping. I am almost game to try anything. I do have some doubts about some of the ads I have seen on the Internet that claim to cure Fibromyalgia b/c there is no cure for it.....at least that is what the doctors say. However, I am willing to try whatever I can to just feel that I have some life left in me.
I have had a very bad back since my first child was born over 40 years ago and have taken pain medication especially since my youngest was born 38 years ago. So, figure up how many pain pills and anti-imflamatory pills my stomach had to endure before I got Fibro and added all this other stuff to it.....and you'll know that I have no lining left to my stomach. It makes taking in a vast amount of any kind of pills very hard on me. I was taking everything I heard that promised to give energy, etc., but most of it was over-the-counter due to the cost.
I would certainly look at the web site you mentioned b/c I feel desparate. I know that I need to lose a lot of weight b/c I can tell it is really affecting my physcial and mental well being. I don't want to end up spending the last years of my life unable to get out of bed. In fact, I can't lay down for very long b/c my back will begin to hurt so bad i can't stand it. That is my horror, Kristi, that some day I will be in a nursing home where they tie you down in a bed or a wheel chair and I can't get up and will be in so much pain I will be out of my mind, crazy.
Sorry, I didn't mean to get so dramatic. I have been doing that this week and I've got to stop it. I realized after going to that doctor yesterday and couldn't even talk to him without bawling my eyes out that I am a lot more depressed than I was admitting. He put me on more medication. I may have already told you this, if so, I apoligize for repeating myself. I don't think I can take it b/c I have tried it before and it ate my stomach up. I lost about three days of work b/c I was in such a mess. But, he wanted me to try one more time....taking smaller doses. It worries me the amount of drugs that the doctors have me on. In fact, I was on so many anti-depressant meds that my mother and H think that that had something to do with me getting involved with the OM over the Internet. But, I can't blame medicaton for my responsibilities. I knew what I was doing.....even if I was a little crazy.....
So, any information you want to lay on me.....have at it. I'm all ears. And, most of all, it means so much that you care. Outside of my family and you that are my friends here on the board.....I get no concern from anyone else. Not that I'm looking for it, but it is nice to know someone cares.
Talk to you later and hope to hear about all of this soon...okay?
Sandi
{{Sandi}} Ok..so YOU are George Peppard from the A-team in this scenario eh..LOL..I always liked that show..it was silly and cute and funny! "Love it when a plan comes together"
Sandi..I can't say I'm so sorry you're going thru this, as per your "no more I'm sorry orders" LOL..but a wonderfully awesome giving, kind, caring woman like yourself sure doesn't need to be burdened down with this stuff that's for sure..and I'm not very happy about it (LOL..there you go..no I'm sorry in that
I haven't had the problems you have, but I agree with Kristi about herbs and stuff..I had eczema (skin rash, dry red skin)really bad starting around my 20's and really going thru my early 30's..and nothing seemed to help until a friend of mine said she knew a lady who had some stuff that could help. I had tried EVERYTHING and thought, why not, so she brings me this stuff to take internally and I'm thinking, wait, it's on the outside..LOL..but basically it was like a "detox" in a way, and it really helped..
I hope you find something that helps you so that you can kick up your heels along with us
{{{Kristi}}} Since we hijacked your thread, figured I'd at least throw a hug in there
Tawnya
Good, morning, Kristi!! I must say that you are sounding better and better to me.
The poker game does sound awesome, and a massage and a little pampering for yourself will be terrific. You deserve some of that!!!!
Movie night last week got busted up...my S7 got an invite to spend the night with a friend. So, he says, "Mom, I'd really rather do that." Oh, well! S3 and I took him over there and ended up staying for 2 and 1/2 hours visiting their family. By the time we got home with our movies, S3 was too tired to watch long.
But, we did have a good weekend anyway! I still don't have my tree decorated. I'm way behind this year. But, maybe I'll make that one of our new Christmas traditions...decorating the tree at the last minute.
BTW, FB is Facebook. Don't feel silly about asking. I had to ask too. But, don't give out contact info. here, you could be banned and we'd miss you!!
Much love to you!!
Amy
Ok..so YOU are George Peppard from the A-team in this scenario eh..LOL..I always liked that show..it was silly and cute and funny! "Love it when a plan comes together"
Hey, you are pretty sharp! I did not know if anyone would pick up on that or not...LOL.
Thank you all for your words of comfort and concern for me. It truly has been good medicine for my soul. It would take too much space to explain how this works on my mental/emotional state. Just know that I do appreciate your kindness and your prayers.
I am ready to take a look at whatever anyone has confidence in that works. I have had people to tell me about some things that I tried and it made no affects on me, but I keep hoping there is something out there that will make a difference. That is one thing....I have not given up hope. I may sound down some of the times and have times like Monday when I get all emotional at the doctor's office (which I hate doing), and I may have certain fears about what the future holds if I don't find something that works for me.....but I have not given up hope. I just can't b/c that is all I have right now. Okay, so now I am crying and I have to get ready for work. That shows you that my depression is still not under control.
One thing I wanted to mention.....well, maybe more than one....
Last night when I saw the home page on MSN about little Adam Walsh and watched the video and heard what his dad said, I cried my eyes out to think about what that poor family has gone through for 27 years! The dad (can't think of his name right now, but I think it is John) said that it had really been a stuggle for him and his wife and that they had been over a very rocky road......and I believe the way he said it and the way he looked at her, he was talking about thier relationship with one another. I have seen where parents lose a child in death and how it will either pull them apart or it will make them push together closer. But, one way or the other.....it will affect their M. There is a couple who have been friends for many years that lost a child and I admired them and the way they clung to each other b/c their hopes of being grandparents was all gone when that child died. They had no family after she was gone. So, all they have is each other. It breaks my heart, but yet it blesses me also to see that a couple can survive such a terrible thing. Sure puts some things in our life in perspective, doesn't it? I know that many, many of you are going through a very tough holiday season this year and my heart breaks for all of you. I know some major decisions have been made and/or will take effect as soon as Christmas is over, but I guess I just wanted to tell you that as long as you have children (and most of you do)
that is so much to be thankful for. If any of us have anyone in our life that we consider a loved one, whether they are actually a family member or a friend.....we are blessed. I hope that in spite of your pain, that you all may be able to see the good things that you still have that are near and dear to you. And that goes for me too! As Tawyna said about our little "pack" not to say, "I'm sorry" (we are trying to break that habit), but I can say that I have a lot of feeling in my heart for all of you and I've never seen your sweet faces, but you are very real to me and your problems are real. I have spent many hours here on this board this past year and I do not regret one minute of it.
I have been the one that learned and received so much from you all. I am talking as if I am addressing everyone on the board (here on Kristi's thread), but that is b/c I have learned that so many people will read somebody's post without ever saying a word in response. So, that is for any of you that reads this.
Kristi, I hope you don't mind me taking up this space on your thread. It doesn't bother me for people to do that b/c you can start as many as you need to.
I love you girls and guys. Hope you have a safe, warm, and good day.
Sandi
{{{Kristi}}} Hope you are doing well today!
{{{Sandi}}} Thank you for stopping by my thread and for posting this and YOU are right (as usual)..we need to be thankful for what we do have and focus on that instead of what we feel we are losing..and really just stay in the "present" time..not looking back and feeling badly about our past or looking ahead and feeling sad or fearful about the future..
Tawnya
Hey Kristi, it's almost the weekend and would love to hear from you. I know things are going to get hectic here in the next few day. Did you ever start your Christmas shopping? This is going to be one of our "lean" years due to the fact my H has not been able to work as much as he used to.
This may not apply to you or any of the girls that have been posting to you, but as I have said, we never know who may be reading and perhaps something we say will help them through a bad time. When my H and I were younger and our children were small, there were times that our finances were so bad that we wondered if there would be a gift from Santa under the tree on Christmas morning. Then one Christmas we nearly lost one of those children. In fact, there have been two Christastimes that we nearly lost her. One year during the holidays, my grandfather passed away. We are certainly not the only ones that get hit with things of this nature during this time of year. It is not God that is being mean to us......man is the one that set that date on the calendar as to be the day we celebrate Christmas. Anyway, when I nearly lost my child, that is when I learned that those material gifts did not mean a thing to me.....I only wanted her to live. Those material gifts are nice to give and to receive and I have learned to enjoy the "fat" years and when the "lean" years hit....I know that God will get us through it....He always has. It is those "gifts" that money cannot buy that I have learned to treasure. So, if there is anyone out there that is worried about not having enough money during this bad economical time in the USA, please believe that you will get pass that.....you will come through it. Try to focus on what Christmas is about.....if you are a Christian and celebrate the birth of Christ, then that is the reason for the season (as the popular saying goes).
As far the emotional pain during this time, I can partly identify with that also. Won't go into all of it, but I know how bad one can hurt at this time of year and it has nothing to do with money or even health.......it is other painful things we are going through. I know that Kristi and a lot of "my girls" will be facing this Christmastime with much difficulty. I want to just tell them that they are not alone and please do not feel that you are. We may not be there physically with you, but we are in love and spirit. Most of all, God is there and although the pain may not disappear for you right then......please try to have faith that it will get better.
I am proud of the stand that you have taken, but it is a hard time.....not that anytime is easy, but it seems to be harder for some at this time of year. Perhaps it would help to not watch the warm, fuzzy, family Christmas movies, or the sad ones, but try to find comical things to watch. Try to tune out all the commercial things you see in town and everywhere you go. Stay focused on what your goal is and take one day.....or one hour at a time and keep talking to yourself and telling yourself that you can do this......you do have the strength.....you are applying tough love and standing up for your self respect.......and just take baby steps.
Hope you get time to drop a line, so we won't be so worried. It just helps us to know you are okay. And if you are NOT okay....then we certainly want you to come to us....alrighty?
Kristi, you are loved, sweetheart. I have not known you long, but sometimes a person doesn't have to, in order to realize that you are a special lady who deserves much better than she has had.
Please take care of yourself. Be good to yourself.....and pamper yourself. If he won't treat you like a queen...then treat yourself like one!
Sandi
Kristi...Just checking in on you! Hope things are going well...let us know how you're doing!
Hugs!
Amy
Hey guys,
Well here is what has been going on all week.. After I sent that email on Sunday I actually felt really good.. I felt strong and a sense of relief.. I just wish I could have bottled that feeling up and held on to it longer because today it is gone.
My H and I had exchanged several emails. Just general info. I live about 1.5 hrs from my family his mom lives 5 min minutes from my mom, so every year we travel for the holidays. As we were discussing arrangements for Christmas Eve/Day he stated he would like us all to get together as a "group" to exchange gifts with the kids (me, him, and our children) Had this exchange been happening in our home I guess I would feel more comfortable but it would be at his moms's and while I love his mom and have nothing against her I do not feel comfortable given the situation. I think I am afraid of breaking down and getting too emotional and I do not want to ruin it for the kids. Also the term "group" kind of bothered me as opposed to "family"..therefore I kindly declined the offer and said I appreciated the invite but I didn't think it was a good idea.
I think he got really flustered b/c at first he said he needed time to think about what I was saying internally..he has been saying this a lot lately..
he also said he would watch the kids this weekend if I wanted to go away. Stating no hidden agenda. Now I have plans and I didn't feel like going anyway anywhere b/c I have shopping to do, so I said thank you but no need for you to come here, I will be home with kids this weekend. I have some plans already but agian thanks. To which he replied, I can't believe you aren't going to go away...oh well I tried. I said well again, I said thank you, but by the sounds of it you seem very disappointed and it would lead me to believe there is indeed a hidden agenda. I said if you are looking to get more of your stuff just tell me, you don't have to get me out of the house to do it I would be happy to help you move out.
He is supposed to be picking things up today. But he swears he was just being nice abt the weekend. I got a bunch of his stuff together and I went to find his wedding ring to give to him and it was gone. Apparently he already took it. I had it with my jewlery in a box. So he would have had to go looking for it. I called and asked if he did take it..wanting to make sure I wasn't losing my mind and misplaced it. And he said he did take it. This kind of bothered me only because he never seemed to care about wearing it. But now all of a sudden he felt the need to search through my stuff to find it.
Anyway, we sent several emails back and forth yesterday about the holdiays and visiting the kids, also about him getting his stuff. When I offered to help he flat out got pissed and said to not touch his stuff and leave it alone. I tried to say I was being very nice and in no way was trying to disrespect him or his things I was just offering to help put some things together for him if he liked and he called and snapped and told me not to touch anything.
So today I am in a more emotional mood. I realized that we can't email because he takes things wrong. We can't text...because the words are only viewed the way each of us wants to take them and we certainly can not talk to each other right now.. so how do we communicate????
I have tried so hard all week to be nothing but civil and kind and yet he still thinks I am being mean and a smart. It is so frustrating because I am not being that way at all. So today I am really frustrated. I don't know how to communicate with him at all.
Maybe its just because tomorrow will be our 10 year anniversary and I really didn't want to be in this place and it is still hard to accept, yet I am learning to accept.
thanks for being here for me..
Sandi..I will get you that info.
Amy...I realized after the fact with FB was and yes I do have a facebook account.
Talk to you all later.
Love
Kristi
Kristi...it will be okay. The anniversary and Christmas will be tough. He's starting to realize that you won't just hang around and wait for him to get his act together, and that's scary to him.
I think you should communicate as little as possible...then, it doesn't matter how you do it or the tone. Keep emails/texts as short as possible...just the necessary info. If you look back at your emails that you discussed above, there was way more than necessary info. You probably shouldn't have sent the one about how he "sounded disappointed about not watching the kids..." See what I mean?
You'll get there. Keep you chin up...remember that you are an incredible woman and you deserve to be treated as such!
Be strong.
Love to you!
Amy
Amy,
You are right..yet again. I know I put too much detail in my emails to him.
Like I said most of this week I was good. But then when he started to get upset and angry I automatically went into defense mode again. I was good at remaining calm, and I tried to watch what I wrote so it didn't sound negative or accusatory yet somehow it still did. When I don't answer all his questions or I shorten the answers..he responds with "you never addressed X" So then I go back and address..X even though I purposley didn't because I felt it wasn't important or that I felt he was just probing and looking for a fight.
A friend of mine said I should re-think Christmas eve and spend it with him. What do you think? It would only be to exchange gifts with the kids.
I am so confused. I am trying to let go.. I really felt like I was starting to accept what was happening. But I still really believe we could make this marriage work. Part of me is begining to think I am absolutely crazy for thinking that. But I do think that.
I have been up since 3:30 so I am really tired. My D school just called and said she was sick. The way it looks my poker night may get derailed by bad weather which we are supposed to get tomorrow and a sick child!!!
Anyone have any happy news!!!
{{{Kristi}}} No happy news, I'm in a "funk" myself today..so I am only here to offer moral support and an "I understand how you feel exactly" about accepting what is happening but still thinking the marriage can work at the same time..it's a weird, crazy feeling isn't it?
I hope you get to have your poker night, but I also know you guys are suppose to be getting some crummy weather up that way!
I dunno what to tell you about the get together..I think you have to go with what you think is the right thing to do for you and your family sitch.
Tawnya
I have mixed feelings about the Christmas get together. I did Thanksgiving lunch, and it was soooo awkward. I just told him when he left..."Thanks for coming. I won't invite you again."
If you can do it without the rest of his family...just you guys and the kids, that might be okay. It's really about what's best for you and the kids right now. What you can handle emotionally.
On the email notes...when he decided he didn't want to be married to you, he gave up the right to know what you are doing, thinking, planning, etc. So, you don't owe him that any longer. He needs to begin to see what D looks like. It doesn't look like you being concerned about his reactions to your emails etc. Just keep that in mind as you prepare to respond next time. How much information do you really need to give? So what, if he thinks your tone is not friendly, etc.? It's hard to draw the line...I know. I still struggle with it. But, I'm working on it. And, I'll point it out to you too just because it's easier for me to see in your sitch than it is for you!
Hope your little one gets better quickly.
Hugs to you!
Amy
Thanks guys,
It makes sense about not giving too much info so he sees what D looks like. I think the small glimpses that he has been getting he hasn't really liked because they didn't fall into his master plan of becoming friends.
I don't think I will do Christmas Eve because I stood my ground and said no and so I don't want to backtrack again. It will continue to make me look wishy washy as usual. I would have prefered it me just us but it won't so I will have to let this one go.
He is supposed to be at the house today. I can't say that I am looking forward to seeing him. I am going to try and avoid him as much as possible. I do have a few errands I can run after work so I won't have to come home right away. But its just one of those days when I would love to come home and crawl in bed and watch tv all night. But I can't!!!
Just be prepared for me to be venting all day tomorrow. I can only imagine that I may lose it a few times.. I just want to get through tomorrows anniversary and then work on the holidays. I can not wait for 2009!!! It has to be a better year!!!!!
Anyone have anything fun planned on new years???
I'm in Vegas for New Years!!! With a single girlfriend...we might do some damage. Wanna come with us?
OMG...I love vegas...If I can get someone to watch the kids..I am there with you!!! When are you going out??
I always thought Vegas would be great for New Years.
We fly in on the afternoon of the 31st and return on the 3rd! My friend is an avid runner. She wants us to do the 1/2 marathon on the 1st at 10:00 am. Don't know if I'll be up for that or not...depends on how much fun we have on the 31st!
It will be crazy!
That sounds like a great time. I would love to get together with you sometime, and Vegas would be awesome, but the more I think about it I would have to leave on the 1st b/c I would have to be back to work on the 2nd. I have off all next week and I won't be able to get time off the week after.
Maybe we can plan another weekend and meet up sometime.
Hi Kristi.
How are things in Harrisburg area or wherever U call home (thought it was around there)
I realized that we can't email because he takes things wrong. We can't text...because the words are only viewed the way each of us wants to take them and we certainly can not talk to each other right now.. so how do we communicate????
That old saying that sometimes "less is more" is what needs to be used as a guide here. The communication is what gets the two of you into battle, so just avoid the communication. You could not accomplish anything when you were trying to talk things out about the MR, and you are not going to accomplish anything right now except more hard feelings. That is tough to hear, sweetie, but it is something you have to discipline yourself about.
Here's the thing. He is use to telling you what is what. As Amy pointed out....he has given up those rights to tell you that or to even know what your plans are. It amazes me how many H's have expected to have their W's--who they have told that they do not want to be married to any long......go to his family to have a "group" Christmas. At Thanksgiving.....it was that way then. So, what is up with that? They wanted out, right? They wanted a divorce.....okay, then give them a good taste of it. That is the way a D family had to do it...no more family get toghers. That is not fair in any sense of speaking to expect a wife that he does not want to be married to ....to show up at a big get togher at the relatives for a big celebration. What does he expect? That everything will be like it use to be and then when it is over, it's good-bye charlie?
Maybe it is to take the pressure off of him where
his family is concerned.....you think? He has been totally selfish in everything else, so why would he be any other way now? You can bet he isn't thinking of you.....or even his kids that he may have the gall to use as his excuse and make you feel guilty for not going. It is for his sake and his alone.
I stood my ground and said no and so I don't want to backtrack again.
Then don't do it, Kristi. Listen, you felt empowered when you made your decision....right? So, why listen to him now? You are not his child nor his property. You do not have to "mind" him. He is use to you hopping when he says frog. Show him that you have a mind of your own and he no longer will control your will. Continue to stand, girlfriend. You are woman....hear you roar!! If he is deaf....then roar louder. By that, I don't mean to yell, but stand you ground even more firmly. Don't give in to those temptations to communicate.....stay the heck away from those emails. That is what is bringing you down! Don't TM or phone or anything. I understand about the deal with the ring....okay? But answer me this......did you just
have to know? Was it a matter of life and death to email him to find out if he had it right that minute? You see, it is
those things that you have to learn to tell yourself, "No, it can wait. I don't have to contact him right this minute." You see, if he wanted to ask about the ring.....he would have. Instead, he was sneaky about it and went behind your back and never said a word. Perhaps that was his underhanded way of getting at you or seeing if you would notice or to contact him. I see that as sneaky and controlling. There was something you said about how he kept saying you had not answered question X that made me see him as the type of man that would needle a person to death by the way he just kept after you to keep on answering one question after the other....and most of them you have been over before.....until he just wears you completely down. Am I close or have I just pictured him all wrong?
So, act as if it does not bother you. Notice I said act "as if" it does not bother you b/c there will be things that
do. You must present yourself as being tough on the outside in front of him. Later when you are alone, you can collaspe. Do not allow him to control this situation.
You takie charge of your life and act as if you could care less about what he does with his. That is "droping the rope" and that is the only hope left in opening his eyes to what he will lose. He won't feel that he has lost a thing if you show up at mom & pop's place for Christmas. See what I mean? He needs to feel the pain here. He needs to see you strong and in control. That will be the biggest 180 that you could probably do to get his attention. When your self respect knocks him out of his socks.....I want to hear all the details. Make that knocking him out of his Christmas stockings.....lol.
Kristi, Tawnya, Wifey, Amy, Babygirl, LHS......all of my sweeties.....this is not going to be a picnic for any of you. It will be a test to get through this holiday season. A test of your survival, poise, self control, strength and faith. But, I have all the convidence that each of you will make it. Yes, you will feel like you are in a "funk" as Tawnya said......but that is only natural. You all were on a "high" b/c of the decisions you made. It always seems that after a personal victory in our lives that we get a test. So, look at the funk as a test and fight that thing. Don't beat yourself up and be disappointed in yourself and think you failed. You didn't! These are the baby steps that you have to learn how to take in order to start walking the big walk of confidence. How I wished I could keep you from falling and having to lean this hard walk on your own......but you will walk.....and it will be tall and gracefull, just like a queen. All of you should feel that way about yourselves. Let that be a gift to yourself.
Love you,
Sandi
{{Sandi}} Thank you my friend for the pep talk for all of us..I will have to post on my thread how I "blew it" this evening with hub..but..oh well..it's done now and nothing I can do but go forward
{{{Kristi}}} Hope you are well my friend..how are ya?
Tawnya
Hi Guys,
Tomato...It a crappy place in my neck of the woods..rainy/sleety/cold...why don't you give me an early xmas present and say GO IRISH for me
Sandi & Tawnya..thanks for checking in on me. I have been a little down today as it is my 10 year anniversary today. But honestly I am not as sad as I was yesterday.
Yesterday I just blew it. I was so upset just thinking about today that I ended up with this HUGE headache. Then when I came home my H was here to see the kids. He took them out for a little but then stopped back to get some of his stuff. I tried to be really cool about it, but he just looked at me and said..Are we clear about you not touching my stuff anymore...I just walked away.
I know this is his controlling nature. I was trying to be helpful by getting some of his stuff together for him. I guess he didn't like it. So now he keeps saying hands off everything. I said, well most of this is "our" stuff and so as we go through it and decided what you are taking then I can touch it and put it in a pile for you. He actually said well if it looks like it is already mine, do not touch it. I just couldn't believe it. I didn't understand. I said what is the problem. I am not trying to hurt your things, ruin them or disrespect you in anyway. I am just trying to help you...He wanted none of that.
As I watched him clean out some of his stuff, I just started to cry. I couldn't help but think he was just throwing out the last 10 years of our life together. I cried so hard yesterday I couldn't stop. Nothing I did would stop the tears. I walked away, but felt foolish because I didn't want to give him that satisfaction but I already did.
After he left I continued to cry all night. I had to run around picking up my kids from practices last night and I still couldn't stop crying. I actually thought I was losing my mind. I would have gotten on here, but my head hurt so bad I couldn't see straight. I picked up my son from b-ball around 9pm and could barely drive home as soon as I walked in the door I threw up. I think I might have freaked my kids out a bit, but they just think I was sick and didn't feel good.
I woke up feeling better, and I didn't have any contact with my H today. He said he would call but I told him not to bother. I didn't see the point in it. We don't have anything to talk about and today is sad enough.
Sandi..here is how I would describe my H ..he can be very calm and almost emotionless. So in most of these crazy situations he doesn't show too much emotion which I think drives me more crazy. He seems very hard. Heartless almost. But I know he isn't. I think I have tried to break him sometimes but it hasn't worked. I think sometimes I may take it too far and say mean things just to see if he will break. i know it is wrong but he is so stone faced and non feeling that I don't know what is going on inside of him.
I think I would describe him as very business like. Like I have said before, in work he excells. He is driven and he can manage people like no one I know, but in his personal life he can't. I think he gets the two areas confused. I feel like he always tried to treat us like employees sometimes and manage us. I don't know if he can seperate the two. He does have to have things his way, but if you tell him this he will dispute this to the ends of the earth. He is stubborn as hell.
I was talking with someone about him and I said he puts out an err of confidence like noone I know. Not conceit just confidence. He is very independent and self sufficient. But the more I look at him and think about the way he acts I think he isn't as confident as he seems to think he is and portrays himself to be. He doesn't have the confidence in himself to believe that R can improve and that he can make a positive change. He is forever blaming me for something but doesn't even remotely see that. He truly believes he has been the most accomodating person.
Well...I have talked enough.. I am going to play some poker now. Tawyna...I will check your post later and check in on you. I hope you are okay..we all blow it now and then.!!!!
I hope everyone has a great night. And I will talk to you all later.
Take care.
Kristi
Hey Kristi, I’m so glad that you took time to let us know how you are making it today. It sounds like you worked yourself up into getting a sick headache and those are bad. I hope you do not develop blood pressure problems over all of this.
I am pretty sure I would have blown it also if my H acted like a two-year-old saying, “Don’t touch my stuff”. Makes me think of Bill Cosby’s stand up act where he is talking about his little one saying, “Mine, mine, mine”. That sounds very immature for a employer who manages other people at work. I bet he doesn’t act like a brat at work…..at least I would hope he didn’t. I have had the misfortune of working under some “brats” that were training to be higher up in authority and they are a pain in the neck. But, I realize what you are saying. However, maybe this is the only way he can cope and not break down (God forbid that he would do that!) and it is his way to stay focused on what his goal is…….to get away from you (to put it bluntly). So, he goes in there acting like a jackass.
It is so hard for you to see him in your home putting on his “employer’s” suit and this “act” that you can see through. You want to see the man you married and he is determined you will not see that. So, the war begins and you end up crying b/c it is killing you to watch all this happen in front of you. I cannot believe he acted like he did over that wedding ring and now he’s doing this number. I hope he will get all his things that he doesn’t want you to touch and get the heck out of Dodge and leave you along and stop putting you through this crap. Man, his timing is something else! But, that shows you how insensitive he is to you right now. And….that part about calling you? Pleeeease! Why? So the two of you can get into another yelling match? I was proud of the way you answered him.
Maybe one way to help deal with this is to realize that the man you married is not there now. You will grieve for him, sweetie. You will grieve over all of this. I think that was part of what happen yesterday and it got the best of you. You have to get the tears out……in order to start healing. However, I do worry about you driving and doing that, b/c I’ve done the same thing and it is dangerous.
But, anyway, I think that is one reason you are having such a difficult time seeing him be so cold b/c you want so badly to see that man you use to know…..just one more time. It is very, very hard to let it go, isn’t it honey? I wish I could make it stop hurting so much so you could get over this quicker. As AmyM has said, time has a way of helping. She is doing a wonderful job. Yes, everyone falls off the wagon when the wheels are pulled out from under you, but like you said, what is done--is done. You learn from it and try not to fall into that trap again, and resolve to move forward. Step by step. Hard little steps, but you will get there.
You have done great today. I hope you can just arrange to stay out of his way or be gone when he come to pick up some more of his precious things. I would be so tempted to put sticky notes on the things for him not to touch! But, then that would be lowering down to his level. Remember, you are being groomed to be a queen! Man, is he ever going to be sorry when he realizes what a fool he has been and take a good look at what he gave up! But you will be such an improved lady by then with so much poise and grace, with your life too full to give him the time of day. You are getting there. These are the hardest days right now. What a time for a family to really split up…..right at Christmastime…..but so many right here on the board are doing it.
So, just keep coming back and venting to us and get all that frustration and anger out so you won’t let that stuff build up until you get sick again. If that should happen again, you may want to get your blood pressure checked, unless you have experienced this before. Our emotions can do strange things to our body.
Just want you to take good care of yourself…….okay?
Love,
Sandi
Kristi!!! Hugs to you! It's Amy M...I'm posting under Tawnya's name cause I'm getting to spend the weekend with her. We have to figure out how to get in touch with you so you can join us next time around.
You are doing okay...I know the anniversary is tough. Take care of yourself! Love to you!!!
{{{Kristi}}} Now it's Tawnya
Just wanted to say MAN I hate that you are having such a tough few days..but it is TOTALLY understandable..give yourself a break and if I'm allowed to blow it, so are you
Hugs and love!
Tawnya
Amy and Tawnya
I would love to spend the weekend with you girls!!
How can I get you my info without compromising the site. Just let me know.
You girls have GREAT weekend!! Don't do anything too crazy...
Love to you both..
Sandi,
I had a great night. I was went to my poker game. It was a lot of fun. And it really kept my mind off my H and our Anniversary.
I am so glad I didn't talk to him at all today. To be honest I am almost tempted to text him to tell him how proud he would have been of me the way I played cards. He always wanted me to get out and do more. And we loved to play cards with friends. And this was a real tournament..these ladies were serious players!!!
For some reason I thougth for sure he would have tried to call or text me, maybe even send and email today. I don't know what he would have to say. But since he said something yesterday I just felt like he may have tried to reach out to me. But nothing. I guess it was better that way. It made it easier and there was no fighting that way. But it was still kind of sad, because I would have liked if he would have acknowledged the day. I don't know why. I know it doesn't mean anything anymore. But still.........
Well I am pretty tired. I have a lot to do this weekend. I still have to go christmas shopping. A friend of mine was texting me and wanted me to meet him out tonight at the bar, but I couldn't go so we are going to go out Monday. Its nothing big, he has a girlfriend but its nice to make plans with some guy friends too!!
Talk to you tomorrow.
HUGS
Kristi
Morning, Kristi!!!
Just wanted to offer some hugs this morning. Glad you played cards well...I would be horrible...I don't bluff well.
But, I hope you didn't text him about it. He's given up the right to know what a cool poker player you are, remember?
Stay busy this weekend. Focus on you and the kids. You're doing better than even you realize.
Love you!!!
Amy
Amy,
I think you know me way too well(that is sooo SCARY) I guess i am pretty predictable. ....Because I did text him. Not intially abt that, but as we were going back and forth I mentioned that he would be proud of me because of how I played. I think I was doing it so he kind of new that I did have a life and I was doing things without him.
Anyway..our texts were really friendly. We just both said have a great weekend then and I haven't heard from him. I don't plan on calling or talking to him at all.
I just got back in with the kids and now I have some cleaning to do and some online shopping to do. Later I am going out shopping.
Have a great weekend. Take care. And don't yell at me for texting this morning. I am slowly getting it. I know I should have just let well enough alone, but at least there was no fighting this time. Just fun friendly little messages.
Love ya!!
Kristi
LOL Kristi..good thing is that you can't hear the yelling by reading the words LOL..tho it certainly feels like it doesn't it?? I'm glad you kept it light and that the interaction went well..funny you made me want to text my hub by reading yours..he's off visiting his family..but I walked back to the computer without doing it LOL..
Glad you kicked some poker butt..I love to play poker and wish I had a group like that around to play with..that would be fun
Tawnya
No yelling...eventually, you'll stop yourself...like Tawnya did!
I can assure you both, when you are ready, you'll detach. It was strange...I was having so much trouble and then a series of events occurred in my life (the run, meeting the new friend in San Antonio, and a couple of other things), and all of a sudden, I wasn't really concerned that much about H and his business. And, after that happened, I felt so free.
I told Tawnya (cause I had a chance to see her last night) that I saw him on Thursday (twice) and I thought to myself both times, "You know, Amy, he's not all that!" That was sooooo cool. I know it's cause he made me so angry this week, but whatever caused it, I'll take it!!!
Hugs and love to you (and Tawnya who I know is ready along).
Amy
Yep..Amy, reading along and laughing about your "he's not all that comment"..
{{{Kristi}}} Hope your day is going GREAT!
Tawnya
Amy and Tawyna,
Hi girls,
Ya know the only postive that came from my texting that morning was later that day, he texted me a funny joke. I started to laugh and my D said what are laughing at. I said "nothing" because the text was inappropriate to show her. She said did Dad sent that to you. I said"yes". I sent him a funny reply. And she was so excited that I heard her walk over to my S and say..hey S..mom is laughing at something dad sent her..
I almost wanted to cry at that because it showed me how important it was for her to see him and I get along.
He then just texted back to have a great evening and he would call me tomorrow!!
I really didn't know what to make of it. I just figure if we are going to get along I am going to go with it. It is hard, because I don't want to persue or pressure him. But I have a really hard time believing he truly wants this D. Maybe he does and he just wants to be friends and this is his way of doing it. I am not getting my hopes up.
Amy..ya know I have had a few of those moments too..where I just stare at him and think..you really are not all that!! But for some reason the love I have for him is still really strong and it won't go away so even though I recognize that he isn't "all that" I just can't stop loving him.
So please tell me how I find you too on FB.. or how to I get you my info????
Ya know the only postive that came from my texting that morning was later that day, he texted me a funny joke.
Kristi, I hope you will not see me as the bad guy here and say, "All Sandi ever does is talk negative". But, I can see it takes so very little to get your hopes soaring sky high. That is common with LBS. I am glad that he was able to finally repsond nicely to your TM, but what if he hadn't? It would have brought you down so low and ruined the day for you. You will not allow yourself to give up on the idea that he truly doesn't want the D. And look at how your children got their hopes up just b/c you were laughing at the TM from their Dad. But, what does tomorrow hold? You never know what he may do. Sometimes, I want to take my new sweeties and turn them across my checkered apron (as my grandmother used to say) and spank their behinds b/c that is
pursuing when you TM him and YOU KNOW IT IS! This time, he was wasn't ugly, probably b/c he wasn't involved in anything at the moment....but what about next time, he may slice your heart into. You just won't let go, and you set yourself up for more possible pain. Plus you also set the kids up for more hurt, too.
I tell you what this reminded me of. My GS is not coming home for Christmas and his mother, (my daughter) just cannot accept the fact that he is not coming home. I reminded her several times that she needed to get his gift mailed off in time for him to receive it by Christmas. Now, this past Friday, she spent the whole afternoon with her dad and brother shopping. When her dad came home, he was completely empty handed. That kind of ticked me off b/c I have not been able to go shopping and he knows that we do not have everybody's gift. So, anyway, I call her and find out that she still has not sent her son his Christmas gift and in fact...has not even bought it. She is in complete denial. So, as always,
I had to be the bad guy.....seems like
I always am and I don't enjoy it, but I can't stand to just sit back and watch this happen. So, when I asked her why she had not taken care of it, she just sort of whined and said that she just kept hoping he would show up. Well, I my patient was beginning to run thin and I told her that he was NOT coming home for Christmas and that I did not expect him to come home at all before the wedding next summer. So, she starts crying and hangs up. See what a good job I do with my own kids? That was not what she
wanted to hear, but she has laid around for nearly two weeks making herself sicker by the day simply b/c she will not accept reality. So, she
needed to hear it said. She does not want him to marry that girl and she was so convinced that he would be back home to stay, until she just can't cope and is living in denial. So, I had to hit her with a 2x4, and of course she did not like it. But, she is going to ruin everyone's Christmas due to her mopping around and acting like he has died. She isn't the first parent that has had to go through this and won't be the last. I had to go through it and look at all the parents who have kids in the war. So, she needs to stop this pity party and look at those around her that are in her life that
she is making miserable b/c of her selfishness in wanting to wallow in her self pity. Yes, it is selfishness. She said that she could not be strong and that she had to have that one time to feel sorry for herself. Okay, so she had it, but now it is time to get herself together and try to move forward b/c this behavior of hers is not doing anything but making matters worse.
Anyway, I didn't mean to get off on all of that except that it bothers me the way you are having such a hard time facing reality (just like my D) and how you just can't seem to discipline yourself from contacting your H.
Most of the time, you use any little excuse you can find to contact him. This time he was not so bad, but it will be a matter of time before he will get ugly with you. Please stop making the path for him. I want you to have a good Christmas and I don't mean for this to sound like I am scolding you. I just get frustrated when I see my girls doing the very thing they do
not need to be doing....which is pursuing. Why do you insist on ruining any chances of drawing him back to you? You are doing the opposite and pushing him farther away.....even if he did seem to be nice this time......it was probably b/c he was bored or something.
Pursuing never works! That is exactly what you are doing and when you do.....then you can look back and ask yourself why didn't you following the DB rules. You can ask AmyM, b/c she did all the cute things with flirting and joking over the phone and about anything you could think of, but it did not draw her H closer to her.
So, I hope that you can be stronger during the Christams celebrations and do not find reasons to contact him. If he contacts you....fine, but please sweetie, try to have some control. As you said, you are getting your first glimpses of how he is "not all that" and it gets easier when you can see that! However, you are
never going to see it until you stop this. You have to pull away in order to get a better objective view point of what he really is. I am hoping that it won't take you long before you can get your eyes open to see what/who
YOU are and that you are much to valuable to waste your time on somebody that doesn't appreciate what he had. I can tell you that OM that I thought was "all that" sure doesn't appeal to me now (thank God!) and I wonder what I ever saw in him in the first place.
Again, I am not scolding.....this is just my way of talking when I get frustrated and don't want to see my girls hurt. And I know it is a matter of time, whether it happens tonight, tomorrow or next week......the jerk he really is, will surface. So, brace yourself as if you are preparing for a storm that may hit you at anytime, anyplace.
I'll check in on ya later. Glad you had a good time playing the other night. You need to get out and enjoy yourself more. Just don't run home and tell him all about it. It is almost like a little girl wanting to tell her daddy what a good job she has done that day. You don't want to tell him about all your improvements. When the time is right, he will know and see for himself.
Don't want you to be upset by this, but I do hope you will learn from it and just resolve to not replay the same thing later, okay?
Take care,
Sandi
Hi Kristi,
I'm afraid Sandi is right. Tread very carefully - remember, as I also have to keep telling myself - NO EXPECTATIONS.
Sandi - you posted an excellent explanation of this very theory a few weeks ago to lovehimso. How can I find it again? I think it would also help Kristi. It was the first time I had ever read one of your posts and I've been following you ever since. It was all about not being the pursuer, making the man come after you, etc. It really woke me up to some things.
Stay strong Kristi!
{{{Kristi}}} Wow..you have hit the motherlode when you get Sandi giving you such wonderful words of advice..NOW..trust me, I know they seemed super HARD to hear and they are HARD to swallow, but she is absolutely right..that's why I stopped myself from going to text my hub after reading about yours and how well it went..LOL..cause it could just as easily have been crappy for me, if he answered at all..
Now..I am totally not at the point that Amy and Sandi talk about and so you know I totally understand how you feel. I remember the first time I texted my hub after this all happened and I had decided to send him a text for something..I think it was doing a love dare and I had to just ask him how he was doing and if he needed anything..I sent the text, thinking well he may or may not respond..he responded SO quick and my heart just SOARED..I was so thankful..and don't get me wrong, I was/am thankful he responded.
BUT, now just a month later, I think I would react differently, if I would text at all..because I know that I am worth at least a response, worth more than a response..LOL..I am worth him texting ME first..(of course I have to tell myself this stuff but I'm getting better about believing it)..and someone wrote in a thread once and I TRY to remind myself of this and I want YOU to think about this..about what YOU are worth/should be worth to your spouse. They said:
"Your husband should be willing to crawl thru broken glass to get back to you"
And it's true!
Tawnya
Kristi...stopping by with some hugs for you! ((((((Kristi))))))
You know, part of what helps with detachment is reading posts like Sandi's over and over and over. Then, one day, you'll just wake up and realize that Sandi's been right on a whole bunch of stuff! She posted all the same things to me. At the time, I didn't want to hear them. I pretended she just didn't know enough about my sitch or my H. Turns out, she knew a whole heck of a lot about a whole lot of stuff!
Over the weekend, my H, who didn't know where I was only that I was out of town "ignoring my real life" (that's what I told him). Sent a stupid text about how much he should pay his babysitter. I was irritated...I mean, he's a business man. When he hires someone to do a job, he knows that you work out the payment deal with the person you are hiring, not a 3rd party right? Then, I realized it was 9:30 his time on Friday night...the TM was likely his way of trying to figure out what I was doing. So, I just didn't respond. That felt good!!!!!!
You keep working on you and spending time doing what Kristi likes to do, and eventually, you'll realize you went all morning without even thinking about texting him. Now, I go most days without even thinking about contacting him.
You'll get there! And, it's a good place. Then, you can start to really DB!!!!
Love you much!
Amy
Goodmorning guys.
Well I guess I am really going to need a good smack. I mean I read Sandi's post and it makes sense. It is hurtful because I really thought it was a step in a positive direction. I figured if we are going to get along then I should go with that and keep the good times coming. One reason is because my H keeps saying that the main reason we can not be together is because he doesn't feel we get along. So I figured if there are more postive moments then I would be "proving" him wrong.
I am on vacation this week and he called this morning and said he would stop by the house to take the kids to school so I could go back to sleep if I wanted to. I thought that was really nice. I said thank you very much. He also went to and got me tea at Dunkin Donuts and brought it back before he left for work. We talked a little, he is still set on the D. So I don't have my hopes up for anything. But it is really hard to not want to try and do things with him to show him that things REALLY are not as bad as he seems to think they are.
We even talked about possibly going out to dinner tonight. Our D has another dr appt and he is going to try and me here to take her. He wanted to let me know he was going to buy my mom a Christmas present and a card. Just something small. I don't know if that means I should buy his mom something now too.
I know he is just trying to be friendly. He wants to get along. He says he can't think of any good reasons to stay married, which I think is sad, because there are so many. But he is still stuck in such a neg state..I critized him working soooo much..(I knew work was import, but I did feel 2nd) so I guess the way I came across made him feel that I didn't support him. He just can not move past that and see why I felt the way I did. But oh well. I can't force the issue anymore.
It is really hard to not contact him. I enjoy talking with him when we are not fighting. And as long as we are not talking about the R he has always been open to talking with me. He normally answers all my calls or will call right back. It seems to be the R talks that cause all the frustration, and that is where I don't have a lot of control because we always get right back into that somehow, someway. I guess that is why it is hard to believe he really wants the D. I hear what he says. But I know my H pretty well. He is one stubborn guy. If he makes a decision, whether right or wrong he will stick to it by principal. I don't know where he learned this, and most of the time he does make good decisions, but when he is wrong, he has to do everything he can to prove himself right. I feel like this about the D. He decided this in a very emotional state and ever since he voiced it he HAS to prove it right. Even though he has mentioned several times he doesn't necessarily believe it is the right thing.
I know I should have more confidence in myself and think well if he cares more about a stupid decision and proving himself right over me then to hell with him. But because there are children involved and I really don't think he is thinking that clearly either I have a hard time not trying with every chance I get to prove him wrong.
I get the GAL and PMA and all that stuff for me. And I will continue that because it is making ME feel a lot better about myself. But I am having a hard time getting how not talking, almost having to avoid completely in my circumstances, because I don't see him much and he doesn't live at home anymore, how that is going to help at all. I tend to see that as me accepting the D and making it all the more easier for him to live with his decision. The less we do things together or have contact the easier it is for him to move on as well and not even think about what could/should be. He will just continue to validate his reasons and go with it and wait this out until the papers are signed.
And maybe I am just afraid that I will wake up and not want him anymore. I know that sounds weird, but maybe I am afraid that I will realize I have wasted too much time on somebody that I shouldn't have and that he was right all along.
I critized him working soooo much..(I knew work was import, but I did feel 2nd) so I guess the way I came across made him feel that I didn't support him. He just can not move past that and see why I felt the way I did. But oh well. I can't force the issue anymore.
Kristi, while you may, very well, have done such criticizing; in the end, your H's excuse that this is the reason he's leaving is BS. Just an excuse sister. Don't believe that this is the main reason.
There's another reason somewhere..you just haven't found it yet.
Keep working on yourself..while he's in the fog, you can't work on your R anyway. So you need to be a better Kristi, OK?
MarriedCrazy,
He uses all those excuses. He uses the cricism to say I didn't support him, then that to say I withdrew emotionally. And yes while all that did happen, he just says it caused too much damamge and he doesn't believe he can get over it. Also he did some things himself that he believes I will never get over. Adding the two together. He just says we are broken. When I try to explain from my POV why I critized etc.. he doesn't get it. He only sees it his way so I have given up trying. I have come to the conclusion that he either does get it and will not admitt it or he just doesn't get it.
He really feels that we would just revert back to old ways. Because he is a "logical" thinker he says and he uses the "past performace predicts future behavior" arguement all the time. This is why I aslo believe he can not seperate his work life from his home life. As soon as I think he understands..then he just says.."well why did we ever let it get that way to begin with, and whose to say it wouldn't happen again". I think he is just very afraid. He doesn't want to get hurt..but then again who does. He thinks that the hurt he is feeling now will just go away when the D happens. He has said that... He wanted a great marriage but I think because it didn't turn out like he wanted he feels like a failure and so he needs to walk away and not risk failing again. It is always easier for him to walk away than to deal with emotions. That is why I have fought so hard.
I just don't know if he will ever get out of the fog. I think he would rather D and stay hurt than ever admit he made the wrong decision to walk away and leave. There is too much guilt there and he can not deal with it so he has to justify it so that he feels better about it.
I will be a better me. Thanks.
Especially with the help of everyone here I am on my way.
Hugs.
Kristi
Kristi,
Hugs to you.
You are I are so much alike, and our sitches so similar, it is scary! It's so close that someone might actually get us mixed up!
Just a few things to say right now, cuz I'm kind of in a hurry, but I'll be back later, too.
I really don't think he is thinking that clearly either I have a hard time not trying with every chance I get to prove him wrong.
Don't waste your time trying to "prove" anything to your H, or "reason" with him, or trying to "convince" him of anything. Not only does it not move your forward, it moves you backward. I know this from experience, you're just going to have to trust me. It just irratates the WAS to no end, so don't do it!
But I am having a hard time getting how not talking, almost having to avoid completely in my circumstances, because I don't see him much and he doesn't live at home anymore, how that is going to help at all.
Try doing this, just as an experiment--challenge yourself to not call, text, or otherwise contact, for a week. I KNOW how hard this is, but if you can do this, and take it day by day, even minute by minute, you just might find that he starts calling you! Talk about a 180! What do you have to lose? Getting a "break" from you also means that you take away his "reasons" for constantly thinking that things won't change, because he doesn't have you constantly in his face doing the same things you always have! Plus, I think it would be good for you too. It would give you a much needed confidence boost, and a rest from the rollercoaster of emotions I know you are going through.
I hope that doesn't sound harsh, and I can only say this to you because I have been guilty of the same things, so don't think I mean this in a hurtful way (and I really hope you know that Sandi doesn't either). You can always go back to what you're doing now if it gets too uncomfortable and you think it's the best thing to do. Don't think of it as "forever". Maybe that will help you do it...
Well, Kristi, I hope you enjoy your first day of vacation!
Kristi sweetie, let's have a little talk here, okay? And please know that I am not scolding you, but it is b/c I can see your stitch from an outside viewpoint without the pain and emotion that you are going through.
But I am having a hard time getting how not talking, almost having to avoid completely in my circumstances, because I don't see him much and he doesn't live at home anymore, how that is going to help at all. I tend to see that as me accepting the D and making it all the more easier for him to live with his decision.
Maybe I misunderstood a post that you had sent before when you said you were ready to drop the rope. Anyway, what you are feeling is perfectly normal b/c you love this man and you are missing his "nearness" and you don't want to let go. It is normal to want to hold him very tight and not let go b/c the thought scares you to death. Do you remember the story about the little girl that wanted a partifular doll for Christmas. She was very poor, as I recall, and to shorten the story, she did get the doll. She loved it so much that she would never lay it aside or put it down. She never let it out of her sight for a second. One night as she was sleeping, she was cudding with the doll as she always did. The next morning when she work up, she discovered to her horror that the doll had melted beneath her body. The little girl had clung the the plastic doll until it could not hold up beneath her weight and body heat. So, that is a story of how if we hold the thing or people that we love too tightly, we will destroy them. That is a lot of what DB is all about. I am not trying to tell you that you will never be able to talk to your H again or have some type of relationship with him in the future.....what I am trying to tell you is what you need to be doing
NOW. What you do today will determine what the future will be tomorrow. Yes, it is hard. It will be harder for several days to come.....but if you are persistent....then you will discover that it will get easier. That has been proven over and over again by people right her on this board that never thought they could get past a week without making contact with their S. This time of year is especially hard where M problems are concerned. We tend to place a lot of romance connected with Christmastime and of course everyone thinks about family get-toghethers, but it really has nothing to do with any of that. It is about the birth of Christ.
We are the ones that have listen to Hollywood and watched their movies of Christmas "magic" and all the warm and fuzzy movies that make us feel good. I have even found myself hoping for a "Christmas miracle". Don't fall for that stuff. It doesn't work like that. But, the movies sure make it look good.
As far as not taling or ignoring your H......you just need to let
him make the first move toward you. What I was trying to tell you is for YOU not to to pick that phone up
first. Let him send an email to you, don't you email him first. Don't you send a TM first. That is what detachment is all about. If he is friendly and talks nice, then you can respond friendly.....
IF you can do that without getting into a R talk. The problem is, most of the time, it will end up in a R talk and that is not good b/c it ends badly and more hurt and pain is caused. The other night was an exception and that does happen occassionaly, but very rarely. The difference in "dropping the rope" is when you just plain move on with your life and act as if it doesn't matter to you what he does with his. I am not sure you are at that point b/c you have to learn to detach first. Detaching and droping the rope are similar, but droping the rope is more severe in actions.
The less we do things together or have contact the easier it is for him to move on as well and not even think about what could/should be.
You see, that is your
"fear" talking to you. If he is doing that, then it means he is detaching from you. But don't you see, the same thing will happen for you when you detach from him. You will be able to move on as well. The problem is that you don't
want to and that is understandable.....but listen to me here, please.......YOU DO NOT HAVE TO
"WANT" TO DETACH.....BUT YOU
MUST DETACH IF THERE IS EVER A CHANCE TO DRAW HIM BACK TO YOU. That is the difference. He wants to detach....but,you don't want to b/c you are afraid of losing him. You have not trusted the DR pinciples and you just have been afraid to follow them in spite of all that people here have told you. The biggest reason for that is b/c you are allowing your heart to dictate to you what to do instead of what the book and what others tell you works. If you listen to your heart, you will lose b/c your heart is broken and it can't think. You don't think with your heart, you think with your brain and that is what one must use in times like this. That is not meant to be offensive, sweetheart, I am just trying to get my point across in my own poor way.
He will just continue to validate his reasons and go with it and wait this out until the papers are signed.
He has to do that in order to convince himself that he is doing the right thing. But, D is not always the end. It has been proven many times that couples often reunite after a D. But, the word divorce scares you. Don't let it.
And maybe I am just afraid that I will wake up and not want him anymore. I know that sounds weird, but maybe I am afraid that I will realize I have wasted too much time on somebody that I shouldn't have and that he was right all along.
Oh Kristi, don't feel that way, please. I know what you are saying.....I really do, b/c I felt a lot of that when I went through my crazy time of an EA. But, like the poem says, it is better to love and have lost, than never to have loved at all. Never feel that loving a person was a waste of your time. Ture, it may end up like you do not want it to, and you may wake up and not want him anymore....but don't let that scare you. Why would waking up and realizing that you did not want him scare you? Instead, see it as being set free and being able to finally move forward. I think that fear has you imprisoned and I am sitting here with tear running down my face b/c it hurts to see so many young women who have many, many years ahead of them to bind themselves in this state of being paralyzed.
I figured if we are going to get along then I should go with that and keep the good times coming.
Yes, I can see that and I would tend to be the same way b/c I am a "fixer". I think you are still wanting to "fix" whatever is wrong in the M. You see, you actually took a chance when you TM him, and it just happened to be the right timing so he didn't come back at you in an ugly response. If he had.....then you would be saying, "Sandi was right and I should never contact him again." But, since he happen to be in a good mood that one time....you cannot let go of that b/c it has your hopes geared up as high as they can get at the moment. But honey it is just a matter of time until he is going to pull the rug out from under you. But the magic word here is "time"....that is what he must have and even if he goes through with the D, who knows how much time he will need? The thing is this.....he may never change his mind regardless of how much time he has......now please listen to me on this point again.....THAT IS WHERE YOU
WOULD WASTE YOUR LIFE by waiting on him to come back around. B/c you would need to move forward as if he was never going to be a part of your life again. Oh there will always be that connection b/c of the kids. There will be graduations, weddings, grandchildren being born....there will always be events that will bring you together. However, I have seen with my own eyes how D families can handle this and be civil to each other. I know right now you want
more than being civil, but actually that is what he is doing. Can't you see that ((Kristi))? I apologize if that is painful to hear b/c I am not trying to see how much I can hurt you. But this statement you made here is what I hope you will stop:
So I figured if there are more postive moments then I would be "proving" him wrong.
That is the wrong mindset to have. It won't work, Kristi, it will push him farther away b/c you won't "prove" him wrong in his view point.
So I don't have my hopes up for anything.
I know that is what you are telling us, and maybe telling yourself, but your other words have just proven you wrong. It's okay b/c I understand that you are dealing with a broken heart. You are trying very hard. I know that.
We even talked about possibly going out to dinner tonight.
Well that might happen, but I think he was just trying to be nice....maybe b/c it is Christmastime and maybe b/c he feels guilty or even a little lonely. Just please don't get those hopes up or make more out of it than it is.
Just something small. I don't know if that means I should buy his mom something now too.
If you are close to your MIL, then you do what you want to about that. I would keep it small and sweet.....nothing elaborate. Especially, if you know that your MIL is not in favor or what he is wanting to do...then I would probably give her a small gift to show her I still cared about her. This is painful for her too, if she loves you and doesn't want to see a D.
I critized him working soooo much..(I knew work was import, but I did feel 2nd) so I guess the way I came across made him feel that I didn't support him. He just can not move past that and see why I felt the way I did. But oh well. I can't force the issue anymore.
Yeah, the "wife" came out in your didn't it? It is a hard habit to break. But, men and women see things differently and he
does think you are being critical and it is not going to change him. Take it from a gal that has been married for 43 years, it does not change them to criticize them! They want admiration and support!
I didn't copy the quote you made about finding it so hard to not contact him and how nice it is when it doesn't lead to a R talk, but that it almost always does. Again, in a lot of ways, I think your heart is just in denial that this is really happening.
He decided this in a very emotional state and ever since he voiced it he HAS to prove it right. Even though he has mentioned several times he doesn't necessarily believe it is the right thing.
That is another argument of why he may have to actually go through with the D before he will change. If he has to prove he is right to save face (if nothing else) then you are right, there is nothing you can do to stop him.
We will continue to be here for you b/c we know this is a very painful time. As you read other threads, you will see how many others are going through the same thing as you are. It is heartbreaking. As I have said before, the more I am here the more I have decided that DB is about survival as much....if not more that busting a divorce. If you can't bust a divorce, you can certainly go to work on yourself a resolve to make the most out of each day of your life. Kristi, that is going to be my New Year's Resolution. I invite you to join me in doing the same thing. I know that my stitch is different from yours. I realize I am in a different stage of my life than you are, but all of us can do this resolution. To do make the very best of each day with what we have to work with. That might not be the best grammer in the world, but it gets the point across. Will you join me in making that New year's Resolution?
I am serious when I say that you and all "my girls" mean so much to me and every one of the posts that I read touches my heart in ways that you have no idea. I never saw myself as being a "mushy" person, but there are times that I want so badly to be able to reach through this computer and hold my girls and let them cry on my shoulder and tell them that they will get stronger and they will be fine with or without a H in their life. You will, sweetie, you will be fine. You have what it takes and we are going to help you in taking those first several baby steps. They are hard and you will fall down occassionaly, but that is why we are here to tell you to get back up and go get to walking again. Okay?
Love ya,
Sandi
Tawnya was right, Kristi! You hit the "motherlode" with Sandi!
Sandi,
You are so right. I absolutely hate reading your posts!!! But they make so much sense and I know you are right. I hate to admit it, but I know you are right. As I was reading your post my H called me. He wanted to know what I wanted to do for dinner. I just said it was up to him and if he was busy we didn't have to do anything. He said, no I want to go out with you, I just don't want to argue with you at all. He said if you think we can go and have dinner and not have to talk about stuff I want to do it, but if it is going to be too "heavy" then I don't think it is a good idea....translation to me..NO R talk!!!!!!
I said okay did you want the kids to come along, and he said. It doesn't matter, I don't mind going out with just you, but like I said I am afraid of arguing and I don't want to do that right now....So as of now he is coming to pick up our D and take her to therapy and then we are going to go out to dinner. As I was reading this I was thinking I should probably not go but I didn't know how to say that and make myself look like I am all over the place again. First saying okay to dinner earlier and then not now. So I just said fine.
As far as my post before with the letter and dropping the rope I really felt good that week. I felt like I was moving on and doing things. I wish I could get those feelings back. I still feel like I am moving forward (ever so slowly). I finally admit to people we are getting divorced. I am looking at selling the house. I am starting to think of what my life will be like next year, w/o my H around. But I do love him. I do believe it is still a mistake.
Sandi you are right, he is detaching from me. And my FEAR is that if I deatach also then there will be nothing left of us. We will not find a way back to each other. I am trying not to let the D scare me to thinking that means "end all". I know we will still have a relationship of some sort.
I will join you in making a New Years Resolution. I do think I will try to go for a week w/o contact. I have done that and then when he doesn't contact me I start to feel like he forgets about me and so I then have to remind him that I am still here so I call or text.
It is comforting to know others know exactly how I feel. At the same time I feel so sad, because I know how much pain I am in and I wouldn't wish this on anyone and to know there are so many more out there going through this just kills me. It is so great to have them to lean on and talk to and I guess that is why God led me to this site. I really don't know where I would be without the help of you wonderful ladies..and men!!
As hard as it is and I believe it is just harder because of the holidays right now. It will be our first without each other in 12 years and that is hard to comprehend. Thanksgiving sucked and our Anniversary sucked but I know I got through them and this is just another day and I have to get through this too.
I am just happy I finally got out and bought a few gifts for my kids!! At least I feel like I accomplished something today.
Now if I could just get to the grocery store...we have no food!!!
I love you Sandi, Thanks for looking out for me.
Kristi
{{{Kristi}}} Yep..I felt the same way, going out and getting stuff for my kids..even tho their "big presents" were bought like a month or 2 ago, I wanted to get some other things and I got those done this evening..so I, like you, feel like I did SOMETHING
I could have written every word of your post about how you felt, how you felt like you were moving forward and now you feel like you've slowed down (HEY..but at least you are still moving FORWARD right?
And this is so amazingly excruciatingly hard at times..on Saturday alone I went from good to bad to crying to okay and then had a good night..all in the course of a day..LOL!
I so often wish I could help everyone and anyone not go thru this pain and crap..but you are right that it helps that, if we are going thru it, that we know we are not alone!!
Let us know how the evening went my friend
Tawnya
Kristi,
If it helps, my W filed divorce back in April 07, and dismissed it in 9/08. She filed a 3 month continuance I think 7 times.
I think D helps W/H feel like they are in control or something, and if you can force yourself to detach, you take away that control. I'm not an expert, but I can see many times where detachment did me well - I could've done MUCH better!
There will be MAJOR ups and downs - best advice someone gave me about a month ago was this: "Things will get worse before they get better." Once I wrapped my brain around that, I stopped jumping up on every nice thing W said, and stopped dropping like a rock on every unkind thing W said. I'm an eternal optimist, and I do not believe in pessimism, but I needed a touch of reality.
Take it from me - I went 2.5 years back and forth, W wanted to stay, and then leave, and then stay, etc. I'll tell you: most of the reason we aren't together today was me temperature taking and pushing. If I could have let things go for 3 months, I probably wouldn't be on this forum. I would have missed all the wonderful people, though, but I'm sure they'd understand...
Two and a half years later, by NOT detaching, I've accomplished pretty much nothing, except to make the situation worse.
P.S. For whatever that's worth, in 3 days, I will be missing my first Christmas with D8 and S6. Hate every minute of it - but you know, I'm going to do this right. If I can do it right, this might become a bad memory, and maybe I can turn it into a good lesson for my kids and their marriages.
JonF,
I totally agree with you that the D helps them feel like they are in control. And like you every time I do start to detach I can see where it did me well, but then I backslide so just like you I could definately do MUCH better.
My L actually said to me the same thing abt it will get worse before it gets better. I have started to experience that. It seemed that since my H filed things started to get worse. More anger and resentment that started to show. The easier it was for nasty words to fly and for hateful comments to be made. I am very optimsitic as well. I wouldn't say my H is pessismistic but he is more of a realist. He makes decisions based on what is happening now and in the past, that is why it is so hard for him to see that things could get better. I am optimistic because my view is that there was so much we just didn't know and now that we are learning. We wouldn't make those same mistakes or at least I don't think we would.
I am going to try really hard this next month to take your advice as well as Sandi's and the rest of the gang. I am a temperature taker too. And definately a pusher. I am making my New Years Resolution to detach. I have tried in the past month. I have had some really good moments and then gone back.
Just when I thought I dropped the rope for good and let go, a week later I realized I was still hanging on.
For me the hardest part is the time frame. I have discussed this with my DB coach as well. I know this was a problem all summer too. First I thought I have to fix things or he is going to move out so I pushed...well he moved out. Then he took a new job and was training and my mind kept saying you need to get on the right track or he will not come home and you only have 12 weeks...so I tried really hard to get him to see why when he was done his training he needed to come home...that didn't work, he never came home, just more arguements..then he filed. Now I feel like I have to get him to see that things aren't what he thinks before the d is final...And that pressure causes me to pursue and temperature check and push him further away.
My DB coach said I need to stop worrying about the timelines. But it is really hard. It is constantly in the back of my mind. I keep thinking I only have so many months until the kids are out of school and we will sell the house and then move and I that means either I move alone or we need to move together. And I would prefer us my a new home together,but I KNOW that is not realistic right now.
Its those thoughts, that timeline that makes it hard for me to detach completely because the fear is the day will be here and everything will be over and I won't have anything left to fight for. I don't want to make the situation worse. I hate hate that I do that.
So are you getting divorced or since she dismissed are you piecing your marriage back together? I see you won't be with your kids this Christmas. I am really sorry to hear that. My heart breaks for you.
Take care. If there is anyway I can help let me know.
Kristi
Good morning, Kristi! I just wanted to chime in and say that you will eventually be able to let go. I promise that! I know it seems impossible, but it will happen. And, who knows, once you do, he might decide that's not what he wanted at all.
Keep taking care of you and work on keeping your PMA up! You can get through this week. It won't be easy...but, we'll all get through!!!
After the holidays, you should figure out some more things to do for you! Does the poker group meet regularly? That sounded like a lot of fun.
Tawnya and I will work on finding you on FB.
Love you!
Amy
amy,
Is there a way to give you info for FB???
The poker group meets 1 mo. So I will see if I can get involved in that. It was fun.
My H and I went to dinner last night it was a good time. Talked a little about the R, but not much. Overall he said it was a productive discussion...not sure what that meant.
I left and he gave me a hug and kiss. He called this morning to ask about something in the D papers which upset me. And then an arguement started. I just said if you have questions ask your lawyer, I don't want to talk about it. Why would you call me? He said I didn't mean to ruin your day. I said well you know my feelings on all of it so I don't want to talk about the D, if you have questions don't ask me.
So now I am upset because our nice dinner went downhill fast!!
Oh well I should have known better. I was warned.
well I am going to run out and do some more last minute shopping and then go to my D christmas party at school!!
Have a great day.
Love you
Kristi
Take care of yourself. I hope you have a great week!!!!
{{{Kristi}}} Ugh..hate that your day got off to a crappy start my friend!
I'm glad your dinner went well tho, and that is something positive to remember you know..just forget the crummy of today (if that's possible!)
Have fun at the school party and good for you that the poker group meets once a month..I wanna find something like that
Tawnya
TAWYNA
Thanks, days getting better. H called again. I think we got thru it okay. He just knows how I feel abt the D and I don't like talking about it. I have a hard time talking about it calmly without having to put my 2cents in about how it shouldn't be happening. That is the problem. If I could just answer the questions and discuss all would be okay. But I ALWAYS...have to say..well this shouldn't be happening anyway and then we begin!! So I do know it is my fault. I just feel so strongly about it that I do that so I told him I don't want to discuss at all.
I am off to my D school. I just came from shopping. It is freaking crazy out there. The traffic is a nightmare and lines are crazy. I can't believe I waited this long to go shopping. Now I just buy anything so I don't have to think about it just so I can get the hell out of the stores.
Talk to you later.
Love ya
Kristi
BTW...I have no idea what the php...things are I was playing around and hit some buttons and that is what happened...I am still trying to figure this stuff out!!!!
Sorry....
I send myself an email journal, and I remember reading from last winter - the one day, W was joking, winking, smackedg my butt - the VERY next day she was yelling at me about something, and wouldn't even look in my eye.
That's where detachment comes in - I almost lost my mind with the ups and downs, but the last two weeks has been amazing. I do understand how you feel though - feel like a crack addict myself, but you just can't stop temperature taking, etc.
Situation seems to be the worst it has been in a long time, but I feel the best - because I'm not up and down every five minutes. I have gone about as dim as you can - only communicated for kids in two weeks - W got stomach flu, and I asked if she needed anything. Kind and pleasant, but she knows I'm filing D because of OM. It's like speak softly, and carry a big stick.
I am sorry to hear there is an OM. That definately makes the situation worse. My H doesn't have someone else as of now, not that I know of anyway. He did cheat, as soon as he stated his intentions of wanting a divorce back in Feb, he got involved with someone, but it ended quickly. I think he just needed to justify what he was doing to himself and make it okay in his mind. Now he says he doesn't want anything to do with another woman, that he is too busy with work and that I will see that there is no one involved. I have a tendency to always think the worst b/c of his past.
This is also part of why he believes we can't get back together b/c he doesn't think I will be able to get over that and let go. He thinks I will never trust him again and ALWAYS assume the worst. And in all honesty my actions have proven him right.
If I didn't have to fight my kids to get on the computer I would probably be on here way more and use this board more instead of calling my H. Since I am at the stage where I am pretty weak, and I admit that, I need a lot of reinforecement or guidance when making decisions about what to do or not to do.
My kids are always on the computer and I am always having to bump one of them off when I really want to get on, and then I don't like them looking at what I am typing. But the people here have been such a big help. I know going forward they will be what helps me keep my sanity or at least what it left of it.
Have a wonderful week. I am off to my familys tomorrow. I am waiting for some last minute presents to arrive and then I am out of town. Not really looking forward to it, but I will feel better after I get through the next couple of days.
I hope you get to see your kids. Be strong. We are all here if you need us.
Hugs to you.
Kristi
This board is amazing therapy - I have so many times started to email W, or call her, and I just get on here, and read, and most of the time I realize my sitch could be ALOT worse, and I see people doing a lot better than me, and it gives me strength.
Again, since going "dim" about a week and a half ago, my attitude has been better than ever, and best in a row ever! D8 even mentioned OM tonight, and it made me sort of angry - we were making cookies for Santa, should be a fun family time - but I completely got over it in about 5 minutes, because I realized that I wasn't going to let W ruin a wonderful night!
Also, I vent/journal on here. That helps immensely - at the very least I get some warm hugs!
I know it's not much help, but I also wanted to say, the hug and kiss are good.
I would be deliriously happy with a simple hug!
Jon..me too..wow a hug or something would be ridiculously amazing from my hub..LOL..I'd probably have to watch myself not to pass out if that occurred LOL
{{{Kristi}}} Aww I will miss you while you are out of town, but I hope you have a better time than you think you will my friend
I'm glad you talked to your hub again and everything seems to be okay. You know, I do the same thing as far as bringing up the "well I'm not the one who wants this"..so we both can help each other with that one
Hugs!
Tawnya
Tawnya, Amy...
Did you send your H's "dropping the rope" letters or e-mails as Kristi did? If you posted them could you point me to them?
Thanks,
AlexEN
{{Kristi}},
I have a great example for you - it seems like you and I are going through the exact same scenario with 'dropping the rope' or whatever it is where you detach.
I have not had any contact with W for 5.5 days. I think there was a couple of texts where she called to talk to kids, and told me she had stomach flu, and that was it.
She came today to get the kids for our first Christmas apart - wouldn't even look at me, let alone talk to me, mad because I wouldn't let her come get them early.
She left, and I was sitting here staring at my phone thinking I should probably text her "Merry Christmas" or whatever. I didn't. Instead I got on here, and vented. Feel much better!
Two weeks ago, I would never have been able to not say anything. I'm waiting on her, and as I always say, she's either an evil robot with no emotions, or she'll call me!
(((((Kristi)))))!!
Hope you have a good day tomorrow. Keep your chin up!!!
Merry Christmas to you!!!
Hugs and love!
Amy
{{{{{Kristi}}}}}} Merry Christmas my friend..how was your morning?
Tawnya
Hi guys,
Christmas was okay. I am glad it is over. H came and picked up kids on Christmas Eve he brought me a bamboo plant and said it was for Good Luck. Then he said if I was still feeling a crappy as I said I was he handed me a bottle of "super detox"..told me it should help clean all the S**t out of me!!! So he was trying to be funny!!!!
Later he brought over a card and a card from the kids with a spa gift certificate in it. I felt bad because I didn't buy him anything, not even from the kids. But over all I was just glad it was over. I ended up in a fight with my mom, because my H gave her a card and a small gift, and I noticed she purposefully waited until he got there to go upstairs so she didn't have to say Hi, and then went back upstairs when he returned the kids. I gave her the card and she rolled her eyes. I said what is that for, at least he is trying to be nice. She said she was mad /c she thought the kids should have been at her house Christmas Eve.. Well that about did it for me. My H and I did the best we could trying to figure out when who was going to get the kids. My S has to go to his bio-fathers on Christmas day so we figured he would take Christmas Eve then and he even brought them home that night. And I would have Christmas Day.
Well that wasn't good enough for my mom. I said it was hard enough as it was on me, I really didn't need her making it worse. And of course it would have been nice if they were there C.E. but that just isn't how it works. They have to go sometime and it worked out best that way. If I would have had them gone on Christmas Day then that would have been a problem.
Here I kind of felt like my H was being nice and giving a gift to her just to say Merry christmas and she couldn't even say Hi. Then she kept telling me how my brother wouldn't be around to see my S.. and I said well I am sorry..he has 3 different houses he has to be at and if he can't be here to see him when he is here I can't do anything about it. But she made sure to make remarks several more times.
I couldn't get out of there fast enough today. She has always done this to me my whole life. Everything has to be her way and if it isn't then we all hear about it, but she doesn't see it that way. I am really getting tired of trying to please everyone.
So I am home now, no kids. just by myself for the next 3 days. I have no plans and I don't have a clue what I want to do.
Took my D to the movies yesterday to see Marley and Me. Good movie but depressing.
My H texted me and says he wants to talk about his sister. She is going through a D as well right now. She has 6 kids. You may or may not remember I mentioned her when I talked abt how my H got mad at me for telling the kids she was pregnant again. Well apparently there is some drama going on and he wants to set up an account for her. So he is supposed to call me today about that, he wants my input.
Also, I contacted a relator and got info in mail on Christmas Eve..told H looks like values of homes in area are down, so we probably won't get what we want for house. This sucks because I was hopeing to walk away with more so we could split it and we both would have money for down payments on new places...This is what led to him buying the bamboo btw. Anyway he sends be text telling me we can figure something out and we can wait until the market is better to sell. No need to see right away.
Not sure what he is thinking, because if I move I am moving when kids get out of school. My S will start H.S. next year and I want to move before that. And I would need to sell this house first. So I am not sure what is big plan is..can't wait to find out!!!
Enough venting for me.
Hope everyone else had a decent Christmas.
Talk to you all later.
Love ya
Kristi
Kristi,
I had a chance to go through some of your posts, and it's weird how similar our situations are!
You described H as emotionless and in control - W is the same way. She is being so weird. She met OM about 3 weeks ago, and since dating him, has started down this path of "We haven't been married in a long time" - "our marriage is just a piece of paper" - "you aren't a part of my life". Funny how all the nice stuff I've done for her just sort of disappears when OM pops in to the picture!
Even now W is being weird - she had OM to dinner on a Thursday (I didn't know it), came over to drop off kids on a Friday, and she was friendly and smiling, and whispering to me about presents, laughing, etc. I found out about her having OM over for dinner, and told her I was filing divorce. I guess that might have made her a bit sour too!
So she won't speak to me, leaves very angry - then texts me about having the flu. I asked her if she needed anything - very polite, then didn't text again. Didn't speak to her for 5.5 days.
Anyway, you are probably a TAD better off than me because H brought you a bamboo plant. My W probably would bring me a rat at this point!
I had just told someone that things were about to get UGLY - I have detached, and am NOT taking any crap from W, and she is definitely not liking it.
I have made my goal this:
I will not contact W in any way until SHE calls me, and has a pleasant conversation that is not about the kids. It may be about frogs or roller skates, I don't care. Honestly, it may take 3 months for this to happen (or never), but I have set this goal, and I will not budge!
I would suggest you do something similar if you haven't already!
JonF
Oh yeah...I heard the "we haven't been married for a long time" speech too. Everytime I would try to go over what went wrong and want to fix it ..that would be one of the usual comments.
You sound like you are doing a GREAT job detaching. I agree that I have to do the same. I knew my H was going to call today to discuss his sister. So I didn't call him. I waited he called. He asked me a few questions and that was it. No big conversation. I just said goodbye and hung up. I was SO tempted to call him back because I started to think of a million little things I wanted to say just to keep him on the phone, but I knew I had to let go.
I felt good about it. But I am at home by myself today and all weekend. I can't get ahold of my friends. Some were working today and I left a message or two. I don't have a whole lot of friends down where I live. I have them all spread out so it makes it kind of hard when I want to go out. Besides they have families too and most are busy still with visiting relatives that came into town.
So I am kind of bored. I am just hanging out. I haven't gotten up the nerve to go out to the bars etc by myself yet. I will go shopping, movies, etc.. but going out on a Friday night alone just makes me even more depressed.
As far as you and your wife..I applaud you. I think you should continue doing what you are. I know it will be hard esp. if she has OM right now. He will seem like a bowl of cherries to her, even though that is a facade. Just the newness and excitement tends to make them think what they are doing to us the LBS is jusitified and validated. My H did that last May. It was really hard. Now as far as I know there isn't another person in his life, but he would be really good at hiding it right now if there was.
As long as you are feeling good about you. Keep it up.
Take care.
Hugs to you
Kristi
Good for you for holding out! Those little tiny victories where you don't pick up the phone start to come together and make up a thing called "detaching".
I just had to do the same thing - put down my phone when I wanted to text, think of something I could tell her and I would ask myself, "Is this ONLY about the kids or something that has to be said?" If it wasn't important, I didn't do it.
Right now, I'm a bit down, so I'm going to make myself go play Wii with S6. When you start to replace negative feelings with positive actions, I think your mind starts to help you out. Why sit here and be down - what would that accomplish?
I agree with you though - having nothing to do is the hardest. I read alot of these forums, call people and chat, have started working doing maintenance on my house. It is just replacement busy work, and I know I need something "deeper", but I refuse to let W control me to the point that I sit around like Mr. Poopypants!
Have a great time playing the Wii...I should do that. I have one. I just bought my D the Boogie Star..whatever singing thing. I should just get on and sing some tunes..myself!!!!
I agree just sitting here doesn't accomplish much. I have some work to do on my house too. I am thinking of painting some rooms. But I am not a patient painter so I usually mess up around the edges, so I am a little afraid of starting a project I won't want to finsih. But I know it needs done esp if we are going to sell the house.
Well I think I am going to go see if there are any good movies on. Just going to relax tonight. Hopefully I will come up with some great plans for the rest of the weekend.
Have a great night.
Talk to you later.
Kristi
{{Kristi}} YOU totally should play with the Wii..a friend of mine and I were talking today about how much we both want one
By the way, why don't you see if you can use that spa GC you got this weekend, that would be a magnificent way to spend the day
WISH we were closer, I was so wanting to go out and do something tonight with some friends, but one of my friends was having a post Christmas dinner with family and another had a friend coming in from out of town..blah..oh well..
THANKS to you tho..I did talk to some girls at work and said, "we should get together a girls' game night/cards/games whatever" and all of them were into it, so I will make sure this happens..it sounded like so much fun when you were talking about it with your poker night
Cool that your hub brought you a plant and some detox stuff..if you look at it that way, at least he was thinking of you to bring you SOMETHING..
GOOD for you for not calling him back..it's hard isn't it? UGH..yes, Iam SOOO glad Christmas is done
And, guess what? We MADE IT THROUGH!
Tawnya
Kristi,
I did the boxing, and my arms were hurting so bad!
It's funny you mention painting - I'm painting D8's room as soon as kitchen floor is done. It's sad - W painted her whole room as a flower garden - it is about 120 sq ft room, and whole room about four feet up is grass and flowers, clouds in the sky, a big sun on the one wall, even got her a real hammock chair that hangs from the one wall. It would be sad to paint it anyway, but even more sad considering the circumstances! But it makes me realize that W is walking away from all of this, all of these memories - you make your own choices.
But, speaking more practically, you ALWAYS start with the edges first, because they need the most attention! Then do the rest, and it's a lot easier!
Tawnya,
I am so glad you are getting a girls night together. It should be so much fun. I wish we were closer too. I would love to get together with you.
Maybe one of these long weekends coming up we can plan something.
I am still trying to find you in FB. I didn't have too much luck.
I guess it was nice that H bought me something, even though it was more of a gag gift. He was just trying to be funny!!! He also gave me a card said something like he knows everything is out of control right now, but he just wanted me to know that we will be alright, no matter what that looked like. I know I will be okay. It will just take a lot of time to start feeling okay as well.
I just said here watcing a movie and I can't help but wonder what he is doing tonight. I can't wait for the days when I don't think about him all the time.
Jon...See now you can play and get in shape at the same time. What fun!! I have played the boxing before too.. not on the wii but I have a Nike game for ps2 and when we box my arms ache!!!
We have the wiifit too and I did the hula hoop for 10 min..that was kind of fun. It becomes quite the challenge trying to keep those hoops going!!! And I am sure I looked pretty silly doing it.
I am just not that good at video games. I try to have Guitar Hero comps with my kids...they kick my butt.. I can't seem to hit all the keys and strum the guitar at the same time!! but yet I consider myself very coordinated just not on video games.
Hope you guys have a great night.
thanks for the painting tip Jon. I will try that.
Kristi
Kristi I hope my girl night pans out
I need to go relook for you again and just see what I can find!!
I am good at some video games, but not some of the new ones!
HOPE you are having a good night!
Tawnya
I will try and find you again too.
My son is on the ps3 all the time, he plays online with his friends. I think that whole concept is wild. But it is their social network. It also drives me crazy b/c that is all he wants to do. Play and talk to his friends. Its not like they are that active. He just sits there..shooting at people while talking to his friends. My H played video games all the time too. So i don't know why my S would be any different. His friends just thought he had the coolest dad because he would play all the time. They didn't realize he would control the game and our S never got to play.
but now our S can actually play with his Dad because my H had to buy a new ps3 to keep with him. I couldn't understand this whole concept of purchasing so many video game consoles and games, but hey I don't understand the whole D thing either. But now my s and H will play against each other online. I just haven't gotten that into it.
My night is okay. I am actually pretty bored. I am trying to figure out what to do tomorrow. I have lots of cleaning and errands to run, but I feel like I should be doing something super exciting since I don't have the kids.
do you have anything big planned for the weekend?
Tawnya.
fyi...I just went to FB and tried to find myself.. Wanted to see what would come up...it has my hometown listed not my current location.
I am the first one listed...hometown..says harrisburg.
not sure why that is. Hope this helps.
Maybe this is why I couldn't find you.
Kristi
Hey Kristi..there were like 3 of you so I tried them all..LOLOL..hopefully ONE of them is you
LEMME know!
YOU are the first one listed because it comes up with your network first, so you would be #1, but it wasn't the case for me looking it up..but, like I said, that location change helped I HOPE
Tawnya
Kristi..UH yes..I totally understand that concept, both my hub and my son have their OWN xbox 360's or else one of them would never get to play..LOL..yes my son is like his MOM in that he has a large online social network..he does the same thing about sitting online and talking to his friends from all over the world, it's very cool if you think about the fact they are talking to people from all over the world, learning about how other people are and other cultures.
What about your doing the SPA thing..if I had that, I'd be all over trying to do that this weekend
Nah..I have no big plans, have to work Sunday for a few hours, which I'm bummed cause I'd rather be going to church..but it's okay. Tomorrow son wants to go to spend his GC that he got from his grandparents and then get some lunch, so that sounds like my afternoon tomorrow
Tawnya
Tawnya
Yeah...I confirmed your friend request..
I am going to look into the spa thing. right now I am not feeling too well. I think all the stress of the week is catching up and I am feeling kind of exhausted and run down. I just hope I am not getting sick.
I think I am supposed to go out tonight with a friend so I am hoping that i feel better by then. If I find a place open tomorrow that I can use the spa gc than I will use it. Its one of those spa finders...right now I would take any good massage!!!
Sorry you have to work. I am so not looking to going back to work next week. I was off all week but it went so fast. Always does. Esp with the holidays there was so much running around. I don't even know what I did.
IWell I am going to go do some laudry. I am so excited I can talk to you in FB..now I can add Amy too!!!
Love ya
Kristi
(((Amy)),
Sorry you're not feeling well, take care of yourself!
I find laundry amazingly therapeutic - actually all housework. My house is usually immaculate - a lot of therapy going on, I guess!!!
I just got over stomach flu, and am finally feeling myself again...
Definitely do the spa thing - unbelievable refresher, especially going into the work week. You'll sleep good, and be ready to roll.
I was just telling myself, and I'll pass this on - January through March STINKS. It is gray, dreary, no holidays (except, unfortunately, Valentine's Day) and blah, so gird your loins about you!
Have fun tonight!
{{{Kristi}}} Well good that you don't have to DO anything then this weekend, you can just lie around in bed all day if you want without kids wanting you to do stuff, if you look at it that way, so, if you are feeling kinda blah, you can just sleep it off..THO I hope you aren't getting sick, these last 2 weeks of cold crud has totally STUNK
I don't find laundry or housework THERAPEUTIC LOL like Jon..but I need to go do some laundry again at some point either today or tomorrow
Tawnya
aggggHhhhh
So I was on the computer and figured out that everything was being saved so I typed in the name of my H OW that he was seeing back in May and guess what...still is seeing her..in fact they went on a trip in Dec. They flew to RI. I hate id F'in guts right now.
He is such a liar. All this time, he has been saying how there was noone else. How he didn't even want another woman in his life. blah blah balh...I hate him. I really hate him.
I feel like the biggest fool ever.
Kristi,
First of all, I'm really really sorry to hear:
Let me catch you right here - I agree whole heartedly with being angry, but go somewhere and let it out, call someone and let it out, go punch a tree.
If you say something or do something, have yourself under control - don't get me wrong, it may be a kick in the nu+s, but do it with a controlled kick.
JONF,
I AM SO FREAKIN ANGRY RIGHT NOW. I WANT TO KILL HIM. I AM PISSED. I AM SO PISSED. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FOOL. I wanted to believe him so bad. He knew that. I wanted to believe him when he said there was no one else in his life. I knew in time there would be. But I hope he rots in hell.
I swear he is just a coward and a liar and I won't play nice anymore. All he had to do was tell me what was going on. He just had to say yes he was still seeing her and that was that.
I can't even begin to describe the pain right now.
{{{Kristi}}}} Ugh..I hate when people are right when they say that most of the time when this "I need to be by myself and/or file for divorce" thing comes up that usually there is someone else involved..BLAHHHHH..I hate that so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM glad that you found out, and I know, deep down, you are too, tho you may be angrier than ALL get out, and you have every right to be!
NOW..breathe..and be smart about what to do with this information that you now have! RIGHT now, YOU have the upper hand..because he doesn't know that you know..
Tawnya
And I can't blame you - I would feel the exact same way being lied to like that. There is no excuse, unacceptable.
Be mad, but and maybe you do need to confront H, but do it on your terms. Don't go in hurt and vulnerable - tell all of us on here, let it completely out, and then take the necessary steps with a clear head.
You will be so much better off, so much happier, and you will do it on YOUR terms.
I know right now you probably want to tear out his eyeballs with your toenails, but hang on!
Kristi,
Really, is this REALLY that much of a surprise to you? All you did was get confirmation to what you were suspecting long ago. Take a deep breath. WHATEVER you do, DON'T do it out of anger.
How do you know for sure??
Puppy
Well,
I do know for sure.. I have a print out of the boarding passes for the trip they took in Dec. I have copies of emails.
He told me he was going to b.f. to go hunting...but he went to providence with her.
I already confronted him..he just talks in circles. He will never man up to anything. Just says I told you we were getting a divorce. I said yeah..you said a lot of things. But thing was..this is his high school sweetheart. They met up again back in Aug of 07..Sept he says he is unhappy...Feb he says he wants a divorce..in May I find out he was having an affair with her, July he says he isn't talking to her anymore..only on occasion, but that I didn't understand. Now I find all this info to show that yes indeed they have been talking and it has been going on.
So no I am not surprised. I am pissed, because he lied about it. I asked numerous times if he was still talking to her. He had EVERY opportunity to tell me yes.. Afterall he "stated his intentions" he wanted the divorce. what did he have to lose by just telling the truth. I would have stopped loving him and trying to fix things much sooner. There is NO going back now.
I know I will NEVER trust him again, I don't think I will ever be able to talk to him or stand the sight of him.
I can't believe he went away with her.
Kristi
Sorry for you to find out this way...
All cheaters lie and that's the truth.
The anger will pass, just give it some times.
There is NO going back now.
Now you can officially start moving forward for YOU.
Better days will come.
NW626
I do believe better days will come,
You are absolutely right..there is NO going back.
Thing was when I thought he had an affair back in May, I was ready to forgive and forget. I kept telling him that too. I really thought he just did it because he was emotionally distraught and not thinking clearly and really needed someone. I had convinced myself that he was just looking to fill a void. Then when he said or it seemed like it was over..I believed him. I figured he realized his ways and that he was going to try. What I realize now is that he would never talk about it. He never said ANYTHING abt specifics. This left it all up in the air. It wasn't a door that was closed just one that he closed for awhile while he got everything else in order.
see she is married as well. Her husband was away in Iraq. I believe he came home this summer and she needed to work out her issues. Now that they both did what they needed to and he finally filed he could jump back into the relationship. I don't think he ever really ended it. I think looking back it was one of the reasons he didn't want to come home at all. If he did he wouldn't be able to call and email her without me knowing. He needed to keep it secret. Looked better and then he could file a no-fault divorce..stating marriage was irrevocably broken..
Now I am really pissed and I want to change the filing from a no fault to a fault. Stating the affair. I don't know if I can do it but I am going to contact my lawyer on Monday.
I feel like he was just playing a game with me all along and I was too stupid to see it. I played right along because I wanted so much to believe him and wanted it to work. I was so stupid. He did all of this so he would look good.
Well I certainly hope he ends up happy. This will be the 3rd time they got together. They were together 2 other times and couldn't make it work.
He should know by now that all lies eventually come out. And it is ALWAYS worse when they do. I realize that we are separated so he has a right to date as do I, so that is not what bothers me, it is that he lied about it. He stated over and over again that he wasn't that there was no one. And if it were just someone he met and went out on a date it would bother me but this is obviously more than that. You don't go away unless there is more to it.
I probably won't sleep tonight. He is so mad at me right now. Not that I care. But of course this is all my fault according to him. I was the one who ruined us he says.
Oh well. someday this will all be over and happy days will be here again.
they just can't come soon enough for me.
{{{Kristi}}} they say that it is our fault because otherwise they would have to deal with their own faults..and they can't and/or won't do that yet!
My friend..you KNOW it is not your fault, you did nothing wrong but find something that he hid..and, even tho you are separated, really he doesn't have a "right" to date, if you know what I mean.
The lying is tougher to deal with isn't it? Because, like I told my husband, I can't believe anything he says to me right now. I am sorry you had to find out like that, but I'm not sorry that you found out, because, you are right, lies always come out at some point!
I HOPE you get some sleep and just realize that YOU are going to be okay..YOU are an awesome woman and your husband is stupid not to realize it my dear sweetie!
Love and hugs
Tawnya
Well I didn't sleep,
I am so angry and mad. Mostly because of the lies. I feel like he was so manipulative. We have had some heated texts back and forth. He basically says it was over long ago betweeen us and he had no plans of ever reconciling. I should just move on..which I plan on doing.
I am just so sad and angry at myself for believing that things could have been different.
Thanks for the hugs.
(((Kristi))) - more hugs and prayers.
I'm with you - I won't pretend my situation is as hurtful as yours, but it's starting to get pretty ugly. I slept about 4 hours last night.
Do plan on moving on - I've finally reached that point. I said, "I want to be happy, with or without you" and I mean it.
I refuse to let someone that would treat me so badly have any control or sway over my life - and you shouldn't either.
I know it doesn't help the hurt and anger right now, but you absolutely deserve better, and don't you forget it!
{{{{Kristi}}}} DON'T beat yourself up over choosing to believe your husband..no one would ever fault you for that..
I agree with what Jon says and we do all deserve to be treated better, either by our spouses or at least we deserve to treat OURSELVES better..and get off their roller coaster rides
Hugs to you my friend!!
Tawnya
Kristi, I think this might be the first time I've posted to you. I just want you to look in the mirror and see beautiful Kristi. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve so much more. I know that I made mistakes, but I am a good person and I will not be the little woman pining away at home for him.
Do NOT continue with the status quo. It is only going to hurt you in the long run. If he wants to be out, then tell him to go. Just wait for the shock of it. My H thought he had all the time in the world to "make arrangments." While I sit and cry and hurt he thought he could just hang around until he was good and ready to go.
Wrong answer. Give him a little shove. Start the ball rolling. The thing with crud, once it starts rolling downhill it picks up speed. Healing is around the corner if you can only act. I promise it will hurt, but it will get better.
Thanks Wifey, Jon and Tawnya,
Its been a rough day. Lots of texts going back and forth.
What is bothering me the most now is that I have lost all respect for him. I understand that he wanted to move on, or so he said. He did a lot of things that would have led me to believe I still had some hope..anyway I klung to those for dear life. He knows that. He also stated over and over there was no one else. And it was a lie.
So many times when I thought I caught him in a lie and questioned him he would get mad and accuse me of not trusting him. He would say how I would never change and it would always be like that..and that is why we couldn't be together..same old line...but the truth was he was doing exactly what I thought he was doing all along.
I wish he would have just left when he wanted to and stayed away. If he was so done like he said then he should have acted completely done. I know he has his life and what he does isn't really my business but I do think that if we are discussing something and he says one thing and then I find out something else it is a lie..he just says it was none of my business. He had every opportunity to tell me what was going on. Sure it would have been very painful but it would have made sense for him to stay away if he was involved with someone else.
I wouldn't have had to keep hoping and trying to work things out. All the excessive arguements may not have had to occur because I would have already know he was with someone else.
But he chose to lie. And now I cant' be his friend. I don't want to be his friend and I have NO RESPECT for him.
There are just so many other little incidents I have discovered that make this all the more painful. But it just proves that he isn't anything like I thought he was. Saying that I feel like a fool!!
Kristi
I understand your anger. I was where you are now couple months ago.
Keep venting here, let your anger emotion run through this board.
Give it some times, the anger will pass.
On the other hand, it is not fair for yourself to keep letting his action hurting you.
Do something for yourself....you need a break from this.
BTW...you are NOT a fool. You just got hurt by love.
Take care of yourself first....
NW626
You are not a fool, he is. You never have to wake up in his shoes. Count yourself lucky. You never have to feel the guilt of breaking up a family. He owns that.
I agree with nw..you should STOP the text messaging now, if you haven't already..give yourself a minute to breathe..without a lot of sleep on top of it..it doesn't bode well for a good turn out for you!
I KNOW exactly where you are..at least in my sitch..the anger and the trust that is just GONE right now..it totally sucks, but I can't let it eat me alive with it..
YOU are wonderful, you deserve all of the amazing things you think you deserve and MORE!
Hugs to you
Tawnya
I agree - I'm starting to hate texts. Stupid 160 character limit! It is so choppy, and you mix up, and you don't get inflection on voices, etc.
I would agree - I would stop the texting, unless it is positive and contributing to moving YOU forward in a positive direction. Not helping him, not talking about R.
You need sleep, relaxation, etc. Last time I went through this a year ago, I lost 26 pounds, and it wasn't healthy. I had noodle arms.
We are here for you, get on here and write books if you need to. Curse and yell, and scream, but stay strong!
Don't feel like a fool - the fool is the person that breaks up their family, deserts their wife, etc!
What is bothering me the most now is that I have lost all respect for him. I understand that he wanted to move on, or so he said. He did a lot of things that would have led me to believe I still had some hope..anyway I klung to those for dear life. He knows that. He also stated over and over there was no one else. And it was a lie.
So many times when I thought I caught him in a lie and questioned him he would get mad and accuse me of not trusting him. He would say how I would never change and it would always be like that..and that is why we couldn't be together..same old line...but the truth was he was doing exactly what I thought he was doing all along.
Yep. SO TYPICAL!!!
I wish he would have just left when he wanted to and stayed away. If he was so done like he said then he should have acted completely done. I know he has his life and what he does isn't really my business but I do think that if we are discussing something and he says one thing and then I find out something else it is a lie..he just says it was none of my business. He had every opportunity to tell me what was going on. Sure it would have been very painful but it would have made sense for him to stay away if he was involved with someone else.
I wouldn't have had to keep hoping and trying to work things out. All the excessive arguements may not have had to occur because I would have already know he was with someone else.
But he chose to lie. And now I cant' be his friend. I don't want to be his friend and I have NO RESPECT for him.
There are just so many other little incidents I have discovered that make this all the more painful. But it just proves that he isn't anything like I thought he was. Saying that I feel like a fool!!
Us humans are SUCH path-of-least-resistance types, aren't we? We will, sadly, get away with what we're allowed to get away with, and we won't make tough decisions unless we're forced to.
Puppy
Krista,
If you woke up tomorrow morning and found your H was mentally ill for a year, was terribly sorry and it never would happen again,what would you decide?
sg
Great question sgctxok!!!!
Wow that is a good question...
Tawnya
(((((((Kristi))))))!!!
I'm late getting here...
But, I have a story to tell...
First off, you are not stupid. I know you feel that way. I did. My H moved out of the house for 3 months in early 2007. While he was out of the house he carried on an inappropriate relationship with a woman from his work. When he moved home ("cause he loved me and just knew we could work things out if we both tried very hard"), he admitted that they'd been "very good friends" and had allowed a few of their telephone convos. to become "inappropriate." But, that they put an end to it before it went too far so that they could both put their energies into their marriages.
In hindsight, he tried for about 2 months to work on my M. Then, I found some things on his computer that led me to believe that their R might have been more. I started asking questions. He blew me off. He looked me in the eye more times than I can count and said "Amy, there was nothing more."
Fast-forward to fall 2008. He's left home, moved her here, and taken her to the movies with my children. At one point he even tried to say that since I wouldn't leave him alone about the nature of their R and since I just kept hounding him about it, he decided he'd just start up an A (in July of 2007). In all honesty, I do beleive when he came home last year it was to work on the M. I think she probably told him they both should try. But, the constant daily contact was more than he could take, and he couldn't get over her. He decided that was love, and here we are.
I felt so stupid. I mean I lived a over a year with a man who was inventing overnight work trips so he could sleep with another woman. I lived with him as his wife. We shared laughs and good times and the same bed. In some ways, I suppose I knew about the A. That's why I asked about it over and over. But there was this part of me that just couldn't grasp it. I mean, I could never lie like that to someone I claimed to love. How could he? Turns out I was a little naive, but I wasn't stupid. I trusted the wrong person at the wrong time. But, in hindsight, I'd do that again too. He made the same promise I did back in 1996. Mine was sincere, I had every reason to believe that his was too. My heart wasn't made to question the sincerity of a promise. I'm not built that way. But, I'm not stupid.
While I was feeling stupid, I was so angry. I hated him and her for what they'd done. I hated myself for not seeing it sooner for allowing problems in the M to get to the point that he looked outside it.
But, I prayed about it. I prayed that I could stop hating them both and myself. I prayed that I could be strong enough to forgive them both. I prayed (and still do) for salvation for both of them. And, I found peace about it.
Sure, every once in a while I still remember sometime that I asked him specifically about her presence on a particular trip, etc., and I get sick to my stomach remembering his denial. But, they are few and far between now.
My point is, you are better than this. You are not stupid. You trusted the wrong man at the wrong time. You wanted to believe what you were told because you wanted to save your family. That just makes you a wonderful woman with a big heart. You will be better off if you can try to release the anger, and I don't know any way to do that but to pray about it. It's bigger than you and me.
The final point I want to make, is that he expects you to be angry and to lash out. Don't give him that satisfaction anymore. He feels guilty and thinks he deserves the anger (he does, but). After I found out for sure, I had two times when I just completely lost it on my H...screaming at him at the top of my lungs. He sat and took it, because he knew that's what I'd do. When I quit that, it took him a while to know what to do about interacting with me. And, I think in some ways he felt even worse...I wasn't the bi$#h that he figured I would be. I was actually working hard a being the bigger person and at trying to make ours a civil R for the sake of the kids.
Come here when you want to scream, etc. Don't text him, don't call him. This is no longer about him. It's about you and the kids.
You've come a long way in a short time, and things will get easier from here! And, when you read that and think to yourself, "She just doesn't understand." Reread the story above and know that I do understand. I completely understand!
Love to you, Kristi!!!
You are in my prayers.
Amy
Amy, that is exceptional advice.
Puppy
Well put.
I don't have Amy's experiences, as I'm way back in the beginning stages, and I need to sharpen up a lot (hee hee, read A In Ohio's smackdown on my thread).
I will definitely support Amy's statement:
I wasn't the bi$#h that he figured I would be.
W is all out of sorts, and started talking about R again, because I'm doing the complete opposite of what she expected.
I'm not gonna be the bastard my W figures I will be.
Thinking of you, Kristi, hang in there!
Thanks to all of you.
Amy, thank you very much for sharing your story.
I don't know how much I will be able to talk for the next few days, as my husband..came and took the cpu from our home. Iguess he didn't want me to find any other info on computer. He said it was broken and he is replacing it with a new one for me and kids. It worked perfectly well last night.
He did this while I was at work.
So I can only talk while at work and that will be limited.
I do realize that he is just incapable of being in a commited relationship. Amy as I read your story, I wasn't just reading words I felt absolutely everything you were saying because that is exactly how I felt and what I have been through.
Today anyway I do feel more of a sense of peace. Unfortunately the D proceedings are getting nastier as he funds have been cut off to our bank acct..he stopped all direct deposits today and I canceled the credit cards. Now spousal support and child support will have to be filed and I have to watch every penny.
He doesn't want to play nice now so I can't either.
I have to protect myself, but I will do it as civil as possible for sake of kids. Although I must say every chance he gets he throws them in there..
for ex:...S's friend sent H email saying house wasn't as much fun since he has been gone..H sends me text telling me this..Today sends email saying now he doesn't think he likes me having kids if kids friends are commenting on the house and "quality" of enviroment. H always played ps3 with boys and wrestled..sorry I don't do that. I know he is just trying to get at me..because I am a great mom, granted I have been sad lately but I take very good care of my kids and I didn't leave!!!
Not looking forward to going home..H says he will be at house tonight.. don't know why..there isn't much to get. I think he does it as a control thing. Had to contact lawyer abt that. I don't like that he can come and go as he pleases since he moved out. Now we have to file something so I can get inclusive possession of house until we settle it.
(((Sgctxok)))...to your question...If he was ill I would probably forgive him. I think I would forgive him if he was sorry..problem is he isn't. What I realize is he doesn't even recognize his part in this. He thinks things are very black and white. He doesn't look for meaning behind behavior, he hasn't.
The entire past year as we discussed why I did what I did and he what he did, I grew to understand and accept his faults and realize why he made certain choices. That is not to say I agreed with them. But actions started to have meaning and made sense. And the meanings weren't always what I orignally thought. He can't do that..won't even try. Just says you did X..therefore you are the problem, and I won't let it go. If I try and explain or anyone he doesn't see his part in the behavior.
I just don't think he can. Maybe it is too hard for him to do it and admitt his part. I don't know. So I actually feel sorry for him in some ways. I feel like he is just searching for something but will never really find it because everytime he thinks he does he will be disappointed as soon something goes wrong. He wants to control everything around him. But he really doesn't have much control of himself inside.
I know I will always care and love him. But I do not respect him or trust him and because of that there is no going back. Only going forward. I have no need to play games or even worry about him anymore.
So this was a HUGE wake up call for me. HUGE!!! I know I will be okay in the future. And with the help of wonderful friends like all of you.. I am sure it won't be long.
Thanks again.
Keep the prayers coming. I know I will need them.
Love to all of you.
Kristi
Wowowow {{{{Kristi}}}} I would be livid that hub took my computer from the house while I was at work..you are handling that MUCH better than I would..def talk to a lawyer about what he can and can't do and the same with cutting off the money, which I know is coming my way soon also
I HATE so much that you are having to go thru this and if you need ANYTHING contact me either here or in the alt univ and I will be glad to talk to you as long/as much as you want
Hugs and love to you!! You are a strong, amazing woman
Tawnya
Tawnya,
I wish I could contact you on FB.. but it is blocked at work.. so ..no access right now.
Talked to L abt alot.. Just got a letter from H L reguarding me closing my credit card which he was autho signer on. He was only one using it and he was using for work and fun..but he has yet to give me and expense report payment since JULY...thousands of dollars at this point owed..when I found out he had another card in his name only available for him to use I canceled his access. I don't need him ruining my credit. He has always been great at making money and horrible at paying bills and handling finances.
Anyway he has been saying alot of nasty things. Still trying to claim computer was broke. Said he will return it when fixed..I think that means when he cleans off what he needs.
Just got custody aggreement that I need to look over. this is all happening so fast and with being so angry I don't want to make any wrong choices.
last night when I got home, H also took out the trash..but then in the clean trash can threw out all the pictures of us and items from wedding...and a few other memorablia. Left trash can in kitchen for me to see.. I took the stuff out and saved. If he went so far as to actually take all the trash out he should have thrown that out too, but he was definately trying to hurt me.
I mentioned something to him about cleaning up and he said no, problem he was trying to help me declutter...
this whole thing is sad. He won't stop texting me now...I am ignoring him and he won't stop. He said some really nasty things about how I am the one to blame, abt how me being depressed was why he doesn't love me anymore and I said I am sorry you can't forgive people when they have problems. I am sorry you can't see that others hurt sometimes..and some other things along those lines..
Basically he keeps saying he doesn't care at all about me, so I figured fine I am not going to play this game. I said something to him about how I forgave him the first time he made a big mistake years ago..(he cheated then) and he just said ..Oh I don't know if that was a mistake...and now I am done..I refuse to talk to him..So he called me at work 5x and I just hung up and now my phone is vibrating to death.
So I am here..just venting..avoiding the house b/c he is there with kids. Supposed to be taking D to movies. Now he says he is keeping her for the night.
I just want this to end and I want to move on...
Talk to you all later.
Hopefully I will have a computer back in a few days!!
Kristi
Kristi
Sorry, I have to say this...Your H is a world class A$$ even I don't know him.
You are doing the right thing, just ignore him. He is acting like a teenager. There is no point to argue with a kid.....
Stay calm and look over the legal matters, please protect yourself at all cost.
Stay strong and take care of yourself....do something can cheer you up.
Come here and vent...we are here for you.
NW626
Kristi
Sorry, I have to say this...Your H is a world class A$$ even I don't know him.
You are doing the right thing, just ignore him. He is acting like a teenager. There is no point to argue with a kid.....
Stay calm and look over the legal matters, please protect yourself at all cost.
Stay strong and take care of yourself....do something can cheer you up.
Come here and vent...we are here for you.
NW626
Ignore the petulant, thrashing child.
Puppy
Thirded - absolutely do not respond. I would even turn the phone off, and go have a nice hot bath.
Good gracious yes..the teenager has entered the building..oh my gosh, first the computer, and then those pictures..THAT is just meanness..ugh I HATE so much that I didn't give you my info on FB when we first got it with each other..can you go to one of those places that have internet access where you pay like $5 an hour or something to use the computer? OR..some car places, like my Honda dealership, has an internet room for business people that has 3-4 computers if you can get on FB from there?
ANYWAY..I will send you my info on FB..so if you get it and want to call PLEASE DO!
Hugs to you Ms Strong Woman {{{{Kristi}}}}}
Tawnya
Local libraries should have free computer access....
Thanks nw..didn't even THINK Of that..of course
Tawnya
Hey,
Guys..Thanks again.
((Tawyna)).. I will go over to my friends later and see if I can borrow her computer to access my FB and get your info. Thank you.
You guys should have seen the texts that he kept sending last night..for an hours straight. I was proud of myself because I ignored all of them. He started sending things saying come on "I need you more now that ever..we can get through this..just talk to me".... Then he would say ." what did I do...I just want to have a conversation..why won't you talk to me"..." then it would say..." we can make this work"... it was such BS.. I guess he figured if he was ignorant enough i would answer and start the game again with him.
He then called me and my son answered..I said ..can't talk putting away groceries..so my son said mom will call back. I didn't want to get into anything in front of him. He kept calling..now what bothered me most was he had our daughter so he was doing all of this while she was there. Eventually I just picked up and said what did you need..he tried to start asking questions..what did he say. I refused to get into it so i just said if you do not need anything at this moment goodbye and hung up...he then just sent text saying...I tried.
today he came into bank..to take care of a few pending issues. I work at the bank and he could have gone to any other branch but he came where I was only because he is too stupid too figure out how things really work.
After he left he sent me an email saying thanks for your help and have a happy new year..I guess he is trying to me nice. Again I will not even respond. Not trying to be mean but I don't want to get into the song and dance anymore.
I just can not believe how bad it got. I really thought he was much more of a stand up guy.
Well Happy New Year to you all...
Looking forward to a whole new year..