Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Distressed67 Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 05:24 PM
Here are my previous threads.

Thread #6

Thread #5

Thread #4

Thread #3

Thread #2

Thread #1
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 05:31 PM
Hey Tim..I wanted to chime in with AO on something..
you'll know when you know..you'll just know..little voice..It's hard to describe. AO knows what I'm talking about.

W keeps showing you stuff...so has IC ever been mentioned again? for her?? I may have missed it.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 05:49 PM
No it has not been mentioned by her. I thought she might tell me when it is but she has not and not really sure how to ask it without her getting on the defensive. I am just playing it by ear. If she is commited to this M she will go and I would think tell me. But I cannot force her to go, she knows that she is welcome to come with me. I just hope it was not lip service, I hate lip service, well most lip service. Actions thats what I want. Told the C that last night.
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 05:59 PM
I agree with letting this go now. You've made clear what needs to happen and she acknowledged that. Not only this C stuff but the phone stuff too. Now it's time to give her the space to do what she chooses to do.

Quote:
I just hope it was not lip service, I hate lip service, well most lip service.


I have been alone too long...innocent statements make me feel like beavis and butthead....he said lip service...

AO
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 06:18 PM
Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62
I agree with letting this go now. You've made clear what needs to happen and she acknowledged that. Not only this C stuff but the phone stuff too. Now it's time to give her the space to do what she chooses to do.



Yep, both have been dropped for now. I am in control of me and she needs to do what is right for her.

Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62

Quote:
I just hope it was not lip service, I hate lip service, well most lip service.


I have been alone too long...innocent statements make me feel like beavis and butthead....he said lip service...

AO


LOL, I like the beavis and butthead comment. I read what I had wrote and had to add the last comment to it.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 06:37 PM
Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62
I agree with letting this go now. You've made clear what needs to happen and she acknowledged that. Not only this C stuff but the phone stuff too. Now it's time to give her the space to do what she chooses to do.

Quote:
I just hope it was not lip service, I hate lip service, well most lip service.


I have been alone too long...innocent statements make me feel like beavis and butthead....he said lip service...

AO


now that's some funny stuff
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 06:43 PM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62
I agree with letting this go now. You've made clear what needs to happen and she acknowledged that. Not only this C stuff but the phone stuff too. Now it's time to give her the space to do what she chooses to do.

Quote:
I just hope it was not lip service, I hate lip service, well most lip service.


I have been alone too long...innocent statements make me feel like beavis and butthead....he said lip service...

AO


now that's some funny stuff


Oh no, the names ya'll are giving out in Surviving - now that's some funny chit!

AO
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 07:33 PM
Tim,

You still got a 'date' this weekend? I didn't think about mowing my lawn until you mentioned it.....I probably should do mine too.....

Have a good weekend..

AO
Posted By: Trip Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 07:49 PM
A little birdie sent me over here saying we should help out newcomers as best and as much as we can.

Upon going through your threads was a response from you in regards to a post from AO( ;\) )


Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Just my two cents but women are nastier than men. Men will get mad at each other and say stupid stuff but then we get over it and move on. Women carry it around for years and then bring it back up and throw it in your face. I know my W and I only allow my D to have at most three other girls over at one time and always in an even number to keep anybody from ganging up on another. So I can see how it is the predominatly women threads that do this. Sucks for all those out there that need the support and now wont get it.

JMHO


You never met my ex! Talk about bringing stuff up and having it thrown in one's face! OY!!! I am female, by the way. Your words and those of AO's do not create an environment conducive to the spirit of the boards. Yeah, it is your opinion and you have the right to give, as do I but saying women are nastier than men just doesn't cut it around here. There are a lot of good women and just as equal, good men on these boards. I hate to see them get swept over by the same brush of generalizations!
Posted By: steady Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 07:59 PM
Tim glad to see you're doing well. I just popped in to say hi and let you know I'm still here following along.
Posted By: Trip Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 08:00 PM
Well, you just made my point, steady!!
Posted By: steady Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 08:03 PM
Sorry Trip,

I edited the post before your reply posted. Didn't feel like whacking the hornets nest today. \:\)
Posted By: Bridgestone Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 10:12 PM
Hi Tim,
sounds like things are up & down. I hope you are finding a way to stay steady and just "tim", as best you can

Any plans for golfing during this cool fall weather??

Peace to you
Bridge
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 11:28 PM
Originally Posted By: Trip
A little birdie sent me over here saying we should help out newcomers as best and as much as we can.

Upon going through your threads was a response from you in regards to a post from AO( ;\) )


Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Just my two cents but women are nastier than men. Men will get mad at each other and say stupid stuff but then we get over it and move on. Women carry it around for years and then bring it back up and throw it in your face. I know my W and I only allow my D to have at most three other girls over at one time and always in an even number to keep anybody from ganging up on another. So I can see how it is the predominatly women threads that do this. Sucks for all those out there that need the support and now wont get it.

JMHO


You never met my ex! Talk about bringing stuff up and having it thrown in one's face! OY!!! I am female, by the way. Your words and those of AO's do not create an environment conducive to the spirit of the boards. Yeah, it is your opinion and you have the right to give, as do I but saying women are nastier than men just doesn't cut it around here. There are a lot of good women and just as equal, good men on these boards. I hate to see them get swept over by the same brush of generalizations!


I am sorry if my post offended you. I did not mean it to be hostile or mean spirited. It is just my opinion and maybe how I wrote it was not correct or I did not use the correct wording. I was talking about the interaction of women to women and men to men and not the interactions of men to women that was not what AO and I were talking about. And yes it may have been a generalization and I apologize for not saying most or some but not all.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/03/08 11:31 PM
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
Hi Tim,
sounds like things are up & down. I hope you are finding a way to stay steady and just "tim", as best you can

Any plans for golfing during this cool fall weather??

Peace to you
Bridge



Things seem to be on the upswing Bridge. I am just taking it easy this weekend. No plans for golf but next weekend my dad and brother are coming in and we are playing on Sunday. We get together every year to play. Its a great time for just the four of us.

Have a great weekend and hopefully you get out some before winter sets in.

Take care,

Tim
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/04/08 12:17 AM
Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62
Tim,

You still got a 'date' this weekend? I didn't think about mowing my lawn until you mentioned it.....I probably should do mine too.....

Have a good weekend..

AO


When I got home my W was cutting the lawn. Nothing sexier than a woman pushing a lawn mower and working up a sweat. I got out the tractor and did the rest of the yard. When we were done we talked about what we were doing this weekend and she mentions about The Parade of Homes going on this weekend and how she always wanted to go do it. I told her it was a great idea and maybe we would see something we like that we could do at our house.

Its not exactly my type of fun but it is alone time together, its not a quiet movie theater where we cannot talk and its something different we have never done. Sounds like a win, win for me.
Posted By: Bridgestone Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/04/08 12:28 AM
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
she mentions about The Parade of Homes going on this weekend and how she always wanted to go do it. I told her it was a great idea and maybe we would see something we like that we could do at our house.

Its not exactly my type of fun but it is alone time together, its not a quiet movie theater where we cannot talk and its something different we have never done. Sounds like a win, win for me.



sigh.... something I asked my H to do with me for several years... go to open houses on Sundays and on Tour of Homes...

wasn't his kind of fun either.. we are not in the market for a house so why should we go to open houses... was the usual response.

why should we have gone??

because:
Originally Posted By: distressed67
...she always wanted to go do it... it is alone time together, its not a quiet movie theater where we cannot talk and its something different we have never done


good for you for doing a 180 \:\)
Peace Bridge
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/04/08 12:32 AM
Tim,

Hope you have a great time.

You're a great man and you will be fine.

AO
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/04/08 12:56 AM
Thanks Ladies,

I plan on having a good time. I took her antique shopping many years ago in a town near our home. Block after block of nothing but antiques and craft stores again not my cup of tea but it was time alone and she wanted to do it. I enjoyed myself because she enjoyed it, we never did it again not sure why but maybe next year. I endured many a craft shows with her and apple festivals and other types of stuff like that, then it all slowly went away.

Life seems to get in the way of that stuff and until you don't spent that quality time together do you finally realize what you are truely missing. Its not what you are doing but the fact that you are doing it with the person you love and that they enjoy doing it.
Posted By: BarbieDoll Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/04/08 03:29 AM
Bridgestone:

"Peace Bridge" - that caught my attention. I live 20 minutes from the Peace Bridge - international border between Canada and the U.S.

I assume you said it as a sign off but it struck me funny,

Cheers!

Barb
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/06/08 04:15 PM
Not much happened this weekend.

Saturday morning I got up and started watching a movie while everone else was in bed. My W came down and we watched the rest of the movie together. I made breakfast for us and then went out and cut the rest of the grass. I got done about lunch time so the W and I ate lunch. I watched a little tv then went up to get a shower.

I thought my W wanted to go to the Parade of Home but she had made an appointment for my D to get her hair and make-up done for homecoming. I did stuff around the house and then just vegged for a little bit. W and D got home just before my brother arrived. Spent some time talking to him before he headed to his class reunion.

D got ready for homecoming and we went out and took some pictures. Then her date showed up, took more pictures and his father took them to the dance.

The W and I went out to dinner and were going to stop at a furniture place on the way home but it was closed. I dropped her off at the house and went to my office to make some copies for my S and check the site. My office is right across from the school so i hung out till it was time to pick my D and her date up.

Got home, spent some time with the W, then went to bed.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/06/08 04:25 PM
Sunday,

Got up and read the paper. W camme down and read with me. We made breakfast and then decided what we we going to eat during the week. She headed off to the store and I started to work on my tractor. Been having problems with it so I took it apart. Took me a whild but found the problem but could not fix it because of the part I needed.

W got home from the store, helped her put the groceries away and make the desert for after dinner. My SIL called and wanted to know if I wanted to go play Texas-Holdem with her and my FIL. Asked the W if we were going to go to the Parade of Homes today. She said she did not feel like going, women. So I went with my SIL and FIL. Spent more time watching football and drinking beer than I did playing card. Sucks when you can't get sh**.

Got home and started to make dinner. We ate and I started to do the dishes. W was standing next to me and turned and put her hand on my arm and said, I guess I should dry. I just smiled back at her.

When we were done her mom showed uo and dirtied some more dishes. We all played cards and my W again touched my arm while we were playing.

After my IL left we watch a little tv then she watched her Lifetime show at 9 and I went and watched the football game. W came up several times for no apparent reason. Finished folding the laundry and then went to bed.
Posted By: steady Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/06/08 04:29 PM
Nice normal stuff Tim. It's the same in my sitch. Been quite a few days of normal life stuff.
Posted By: smartcookie Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/06/08 04:35 PM
Tim,

You sound down ? Am I reading into this ?

Hugs
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/06/08 04:43 PM
Hi SC,

No, I'm not down. It was a nice weekend. I wanted to do something with my W and I thought the Parade of Homes was a great idea and was kinda looking forward to it. Then she decides that she does not want to go. Why is it that on Friday she is like I always wanted to go and then I asked several times on Saturday and Sunday and she says that now she does not want to go.

Just never really undrstand the whole dynamics of what she is thinking sometimes. But I went out to dinner with my W on Saturday and then out with my SIL and FIL on Sunday and played some cards, watched some football so I had a nice weekend.

How are you doing SC. Have not really kept up on your sitch, sorry, just really hectic around here.

Have a great day,

Tim
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/06/08 04:46 PM
Originally Posted By: steady
Nice normal stuff Tim. It's the same in my sitch. Been quite a few days of normal life stuff.


As long as the two of you are getting along and spending time together what more can we ask for, correct. We got along well this weekend, spent some time together and had a few laughs along the way so it was nice.

How was MC on Saturday? Hopefully that went well.
Posted By: steady Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/08/08 01:58 PM
Yeah Tim. The way I see it, as we spend time together with our W's and have good times, those good times have a way of wearing down the bad times that are in the past. I guess that's why they say time is on our side.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/10/08 02:58 PM
I have not posted much because not much is happening in my sitch. Been working my a** off at work and then when I get home I make dinner and clean up afterwards and help around the house. Sometimes the W helps with dinner and cleaning up afterwards other times she is helping our S with homework.

Wednesday night I had a meeting after we had dinner and did not get home till almost 10. Last night worked late and then got a quick bit to eat at home then took my son to the library to work on his science project. Afterwards both nights I sat for a short while with my W and talked till I went to bed.

She has been wearing her ER almost every day which is nice. Don't know if she has gone to see a C and I have not really asked. It seems to be very comfortable around her and our conversations are very light and easy going. She seems to want to talk more about the kids, work and other things that are on her mind. She also seems to be backing me when it comes with dealing with our S.

He is a great kid but like I said before he is so easily destracted when it come to homework. Last night for example when I took him to the library he took nothing with him. He did not know exactly what he was there to research. I knew but let him strugle with it and gave him just a little bit of help here and there.

W calls shortly after we get to the library to tell me I am not suppose to be talking on my cell while in the library. I said then don't call. \:\) Told her about S forgetting his stuff and me being a little hard nosed about it. Her responce was he is in 7th grade and needs to learn how to take what he needs and learn responsibility but it is his first research project that they are not allowing him to use just the internet so don't be too hard on him.

Then when I got home we talked about it and I could tell she was fine with how I handeled it and told her he knows how to play us and that I was tough on him because we need to stop enabeling him. She agreed and we did not argue or have either one of us upset at the other for not agreeing with what one of us had done reguarded child care.

This weekend my dad and brother are coming in and will be playing golf on Sunday. My other brothers daughter is having a birthday on Saturday so will spend the day there so my weekend is pretty much planed out.

Have a great weekend all. Weather around here is suppose to be awesome so hopefully all of you will have great weather also.

Tim
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/17/08 03:17 PM
Not much has changed over the past week. W and I are still getting along better. Our intimacy does not seem to be progressing from my POV but the fun/ relaxing time is getting better. I do not feeling like I am always on trial and I hope she is feeling more comfortable around me. We seem to be able to joke more and have some laughs.

Also she has taken a more firm stand with our kids lately which has allowed me to not be the disciplinarian all the time. I have stood back and allowed her to deal with our S who has used the "I forgot" excuse why too much for my liking and now she has finally put her foot down and said enough is enough. Something I have tried to tell her and enforce for a while now.

Its nice to feel like we are working together and not against each other. That I can say this is what I think we should do and not have her get pissy with me. I said to her on Monday night after our S "I forgot" comment that we need to stop allowing him to do this stuff and I know you get upset when I say this but he needs to learn a lesson and start doing stuff for himself without your help. She said she was not upset with me and agreed that we need to back off helping him. FINALLY.

Tuesday he brought home a progress report and it had two grades on it trhat were "F". One was a test he got a B on and my W signed it but he "forgot" to turn it in and lost it. The second was a homework assignment he "forgot" to turn in on time. My W went off the deep end and laid down the law on homework, computer time and the BS of saying "I forgot" all the time. I just stood in the back ground and let her go. Then told her I agreed with all that she had said and the action she took.

Wednesday was her poker night and my FIL and SIL were over and they asked her if she was going. She said if Tim does not mind. I told her to go and have fun and if she stops at the grocery store to pick something up for me. She said I heard you compain the other day that we didn't have that here. I was like you heard that, sorry. She said yes I did and stuck her tongue out at me on her way out the door. It was a playful exchange and she picked it up on her way home.
Posted By: Arthur Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/17/08 03:25 PM
Sounds good Tim

Have a good weekend
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/17/08 03:35 PM
Yesterday my W was suppose to pick our D up after school because she was having play practice and I had my C appointment. She left work early and waited for half and hour and then found out that play practice was canceled. She called me all upset and said she was taking our D computer away when she got home for being so inconsiderate for not calling. I agreed with her and when she said she does alot for our kids I said I agree and undrstand why you are angry at her.

When I got home my W was watching tv and our D was upstairs. My W said she is mad at me and did not eat dinner. I went and asked her if she wanted anything and she said no. I was like fine with me I'm hungry and went and ate. My W and I talked for a little bit and then she went to the movies with our D, I was going to question this but I had not part in this decission.

My W calls me from the theater that she got sick because of the way the movie was shot. It was "Quarantine" and the camera was constanty bouncing around and she gets a little motion sickness. I asked if she wanted me to come to the theater to pick our D up after the move so she could come home but she said no. I asked about three times throughout the conversation and she said no each time. When they got home I had a glass of GingerAle waithing for her with chipped ice and two Advil for her headache. She thanked me and I asked how she was feeling and then I went to bed.

She did say on Tuesday that she does not know why she has been so bitchy lately. I said nothing but was thinking its because you are starting to put your foot down and be the mean person instead of me all the time or maybe you need LAID!!

Thats about all for now. C was all about me and how I need to not get frustrated and how long do I continue to do all the work and how long do I wait for my W to say or show that she is recommeted to the R/M. Its hard for the C to know because she only knows my side of the story and she agrees that together we could learn how to communicate better and resolve some of these issues that got us to this point. But until then I can just do the best that I can.

Take care all,

Tim
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/17/08 04:22 PM
Quote:
She did say on Tuesday that she does not know why she has been so bitchy lately. I said nothing but was thinking its because you are starting to put your foot down and be the mean person instead of me all the time or maybe you need LAID!!


Brother I hear you loud and clear..not only does she need to get laid but I need to get laid too..it's been too damn long..

Good on you standing back and let her control the kids sitch..I like it..
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/17/08 11:36 PM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

Brother I hear you loud and clear..not only does she need to get laid but I need to get laid too..it's been too damn long..



If it goes any longer I may just forget how, I'll need an instruction manual to figure out what to do.


Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

Good on you standing back and let her control the kids sitch..I like it..


I was just tired of being the one that laid down the law and her looking like the nice person. They don't like when she gets upset at them, they know when that happens they have stepped way over the line. She lets them get away with more that I think they should but now she is seeing things more my way and it is nice. I'm getting more lax and she is getting more stringent so that should work out well, middle ground would be great.
Posted By: steady Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/18/08 08:06 PM
Hi Tim. Just stopped by to say hello. I haven't used mine in so long I think it may not work anymore...lol. As for the instruction manual, I hope one day I can ask you to send it to me. Would love to be in a spot where I would actually need it.

Glad things are going well with you.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/20/08 04:41 PM
Friday night when I got home from work my W and I made dinner. After dinner she went to a jewlery party and I stayed home to clean up and then watched a little tv. My daughter went to her HS football game with her friend. The parents of my D friend took them so I left to pick them up around 8:45. My office is right across the street so I went there, surfed the web and waited for her to call.

My W calles me a little after 9 wondering where I am at. I told her and she wanted to know why I had left so early and that she thought the game would not be over till ten. I was about to say I thought it would be over around 9:15 when my D calls to tell me to pick her up. I got off the phone with my wife and went and picked my D and her friend up.

When I got home my W was in the living room and we talked for a little bit. I was watching a video before I left and wanted to know if she wanted to watch the rest with me. She said no and went up to watch a show she had taped in our bedroom. Now explain this to me. I continued to watched my movie and my W comes down when she is done and sits on the couch next to me and fells asleep while I finished my movie. Its about 11:30 so I head to bed and she stayes up till 12:30 which just leads me to belive she is still avoiding me. I sleep till about 5:30 and then get up to go downstaires because I don't want to wake her because I can't sleep. She asks where are you going. I tell her I can not sleep and did not want to wake her. She says come back to bed and we can snuggle.

I come back to bed and she moves right up next to me, puts her hands on my arm and falls back to sleep. Now why didn't she just do that at night? Why come down stairs and have me go to bed first and then come up an hour later?

Saturday I worked around the house. My D went to a party at a friends house about an hour away from us. Again someone took her and I was picking them up. My W, S and I went out to dinner then to the book store and the mall and then we went home. We watch some tv till it was time to go pick up my D. The party was over at 11 so I knew it would be after 12 till I got home.

When I got home the W was in bed waiting for us. We talked for a little bit then went to sleep. She had a slight headache all night so I just rolled over and went to sleep. In the morning she rolls over into my arms and lays her hear on my shoulder. It felt nice to have her do this.

Spent Sunday morning making breakfast, taking the kids to church then driving my D friend home since she slept over. I watch my football team lose and then we made dinner. After dinner the W, S and I went to a Haunted House. Had a really good time. All in all it was a very nice weekend.

The only explination I can come up with for my W wanting me to go to bed first is that she wants to be near me but does not want to be pressured into something else so its safer to avoid that temptation at night. Allow me to go to bed, fall asleep then she can come up without any worries. Then in the morning she does not have that same feeling that she could be pressured into doing something so she is more open to be intimate. Who really knows but why else do what she does? I told her several times that I do not want to have sex and I do not do anything to make her think otherwise but I feel that it is the underlying problem. JMO and since I can't read her mind I will never really know for sure.

That was my weekend, hopefully everyone else had a nice one also.

Tim
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/20/08 05:06 PM
Quote:
The only explination I can come up with for my W wanting me to go to bed first is that she wants to be near me but does not want to be pressured into something else so its safer to avoid that temptation at night. Allow me to go to bed, fall asleep then she can come up without any worries. Then in the morning she does not have that same feeling that she could be pressured into doing something so she is more open to be intimate. Who really knows but why else do what she does? I told her several times that I do not want to have sex and I do not do anything to make her think otherwise but I feel that it is the underlying problem. JMO and since I can't read her mind I will never really know for sure.


Hi Tim,

Yep, you are right on the mark with this. IMHO, it has to do with old patterns (usually ML before going to sleep, not in the morning) so she knows the safest times to get what she wants and still control the situation between you.

Since you've been up front about ML, I wonder why she doesn't feel she can rely on your word? Or it could just be a control thing.

Hope all is going well with you - I'm reading, just not commenting much. (old friend here, new name). Sending good thoughts your way - you're doing great.

Whiskey!
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/20/08 05:35 PM
Hi Whiskey,

I saw you changed your name. Hope all has been going well for you.

That was my take on it also. I hate being avoided but I guess it is to be expected. I don't say anything I just act "as if" this is normal and proceed on.

Why doesn't she accept me at my word, hard to say. Have not given her any reason to doubt what I said. I don't pressure, I don't ask, I don't act and I don't touch her in anyway that I think is sexual so whatever her reasoning its not due to anything I am doing or have done in the last eight months or so.

Time, time and more time it all boils down to that. I continue on, taking care of me and watching for any positive signs from her. Trying not to expect anything from her and enjoying the moments we do connect.

Thanks for your imput, its always nice to hear from you.

Tim
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/22/08 06:32 PM
Life's always fun.

My W had new tires put on our van two weeks ago along with an oil change and inspection. A couple of days later the tire pressure light came on so she called the garage and she took it in the next day. While on her way there the check engine light came on. She talked to them and they asked if she had filled up lately, she said about three days ago but the tank is half empty why. They said it might be the gas cap but they will check it out.

They called my W and said the gas cap was the problem with the check engine light and the tie pressure was too high on the rear tires. When she went to pick up the van they charged her $40 for the diagnostic of the gas cap. BS if you ask me and she did complain but paid the bill. Last Wednesday the tire pressure light comes on again. She again takes the van in and now they say the pressure on the rear tires are low.

She is not very happy but picks up the van. Now yesterday the tire pressure light comes on again while we are running errands. She is really irritated and so am I. I heard the left front tire squeal and make the assumption that is the problem. When we get to one of the stores I check all the tire pressures and it is the left front. She says she is taking it back it.

I ask her if she wants me to handle it now. I don't do much with the maintenance of the van because its her vehicle but when it goes on this long and she is getting frustrated I feel its time I step in. She says if you want to do it go right ahead.

This morning I take it in and ask for a manager and tell him what has happened and that I think either the valve stem is leaking or the tire bead is. I tell him in a very irritated voice how that I am tired of coming in here with the same problem and that I want it fixed.

He says he will personally see to it and call me. About an hour late he calls me to inform me that the valve stem on the left front is leaking, no sh**. I proceed to ask him why they gave my W the run around by saying it was the rear tires when in fact it was the front tire. I said I understand that the valve was bad and that the first time we brought it in that you might think it was improperly filled but the second time it should have been fixed and what really upset me was the fact that you lied to my W twice about it. I said it took me five minutes to figure out the problem and I’m not a mechanic.

He apologized and asked what he could do to make it up to me. I told him I want the $40 back that they charged me for the diagnostic the first time my W brought the car in. He agreed and I went and picked the car up. When I got there he apologized again but I told him he should be saying that to my W since she is the one that was lied to. I was impressed he called her right there and did apologize top her. I thanked him and he took the diagnostic off my credit card and gave me a free oil change.

What you need to know is we have used this garage for a long time till we bought our new van two years ago and got free inspections for life and good deals on oil changes from the dealership but they were out of the ball park with the tires so we went back to the other garage.

My W calls me and says I can’t believe you made them call me and apologize, I said I did not mean for them to do it but they were like ok when I said that so they called you. And by the way I made $40 today because you paid for the diagnostic with your CC and I got it put back on mine. This is about the third time she has paid for something that I have returned and got the money put back on my CC. Now it all comes out of the same account but it’s the principle of the thing as she put it. She’s not irritated its just a little joke between us.

Again life is always fun.
Posted By: steady Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/23/08 07:47 PM
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Hi Whiskey,

I saw you changed your name. Hope all has been going well for you.

That was my take on it also. I hate being avoided but I guess it is to be expected. I don't say anything I just act "as if" this is normal and proceed on.

Why doesn't she accept me at my word, hard to say. Have not given her any reason to doubt what I said. I don't pressure, I don't ask, I don't act and I don't touch her in anyway that I think is sexual so whatever her reasoning its not due to anything I am doing or have done in the last eight months or so.


It may be because of what happened in the past - before that past 8 months. Or it may be because she doesn't trust herself. At least you know it's not anything you are doing in the last 8 months - this leaves it to only something inside of her. All you can control is you, and you're doing that.

Maybe she's not 'avoiding' you, but rather avoiding only a situation she may be afraid of. The fact that she snuggles with you and puts her head on you in the bed shows she is at least open to a certain level of intimacy. This is very good. I wish I had that with my W right now. But in time I think I will.

It's a big wheel that's slow to turn. But it is turning.

Quote:
Time, time and more time it all boils down to that. I continue on, taking care of me and watching for any positive signs from her. Trying not to expect anything from her and enjoying the moments we do connect.

Thanks for your imput, its always nice to hear from you.

Tim


Oh Time. That four letter word. But yes, time - for you and I both. It really is our friend. Just remember back, maybe re-read some of your old posts, you will see the changes over time that can't be seen in the short sense of time.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/27/08 07:17 PM
Just updating. Not much happening so will just give the high lights.

Wednesday night the W and I went to a swim meeting for our kids swim team. I told the W I could handle it so she could go to play poker but she refused and went to the meeting with me. Afterwards she went to the grocery store and I took the kids home. When she got back we went for a walk and then watched some tv.

Thursday night my S and I built a model rocket we bought for his Space Exploration Merit Badge while my W went to her parents to check on her sister that had oral surgery earlier in the day.

Friday the W calls and invites me out to lunch. She was leaving work to run some errands and was going to be near my office. I told her I would so she picked me up and we went to a pizza place near my work. I told her I was going to be working late but would be home in time to take our D to the football game and then pick our S up at swimming so she could go to her Make-Up party.

During the day a couple of idiots robbed a bank just south of us and decided to get into a high speed chase and wreck shutting down all major roadways in our area because one of them escaped and was armed and dangerous. I called my W to let her know the schools were all locked down and that her dad had to go into the school and sign our S and D out. My D high school drops her off at my S school so both of them would be in lock down together.

On my way home from work I got stuck in all the traffic, I thought by the time I left it would be over but the highways were still all shut down and I was stuck in tons of traffic. I called my W to let her know I would be late. We talked for a little bit on the phone and then she told me to drive safely and that she will see me when she gets home.

I finally got home but my D did not want to go to the football game, thank god because her school is right across the street from my office. I picked my S up and then went home to rest. W got home after 10 and we talked till after 11 and then I went to bed. In the morning she rolled over and snuggled up to me till the kids got up and she needed to get ready.

After we got up she went to get her hair cut and I cleaned up the house. I also helped my S with his science project paper. After my W got home we watched a movie because it was cold, rainy and just down right ugly out. We then took the kids out to dinner and then went to the mall. When we got home we watched another move and I went to bed.

Sunday my D went to her friends house for her 16th birthday party. I helped my S finish his science project paper and then we went out to the soccer field near our house and shot his rocket off. We had a great time and the parachute deployed each time so the rocket stayed intact. Took lots of pictures of him building and shooting it off so will get them up on the other site.

Sunday night made dinner for the inlaws and then we carved pumpkins to get ready for Halloween. I did not carve mine because my wrist hurt after cleaning out five pumpkins plus my D did not get home till late so I figured I would do mine Monday night with her.

The W and I have been getting along really well and our interactions have been very relaxed and easy going. We have had some moments that were light and playful even. I hope it continues and that this is a sign that we are progressing in the right direction. It even seems like she is enjoying my company and wanting me to be around.

Time will tell.
Posted By: Arthur Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/27/08 08:11 PM
Nice stuff Tim, sounds awesome
Posted By: Kakatal Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/27/08 08:18 PM
I 2nd that. Good to see you in better spirits. Hope things keep looking up for you!
Posted By: Bridgestone Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/30/08 05:38 AM
Hi tim...
just stopping by to add my well wishes for your sitch & continued progress, as slow as it seems.

Patience & peace
Bridge
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/30/08 01:29 PM
Hi Tim,

Time will tell. Consistency builds confidence. You are showing consistency and patience - abundantly.

You're doing the work and it sounds like she's noticing and allowing herself to enjoy your M.

Did she go to C yet? How about this bloody weather? No fall, just summer to winter.

WT
Posted By: steady Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/30/08 03:35 PM
Hi Tim. Sounds like things are moving along well. The comfortable interactions are a good thing. If you remember back, probably not too far, these interactions were probably non-existent. Glad it is going well.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/30/08 05:38 PM
Bridge, WT and Ken,

Thanks for stopping by. Feeling a little antsy today for some reason. Not sure why. I think it is just some impatience creeping in. Lots of everyday stuff going on at work and home. No drama just stuff if you know what I mean. I need to find some time to just relax and releave some of the stress and now that the weather is so sh**y I don't get to play any golf. Plus when December hits I will be even busier with officiating swim meets.

Just the time of year thats all. Other than that all seems to be progressing well just at a snails pace. And WT, I have no idea if she has gone to C or not. Been thinking about asking but still not sure how to do that without her getting defensive.

Take care all

Tim
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 10/31/08 05:37 PM
Tim,

IMHO, I would not ask about the C. (I was just curious). Just as you know she is watching you for changes, so you are watching her.

When things are consistently going well, good stability, it encourages us to see if the next step will support us. I wonder if that's where the antsy feeling is coming from. Not knowing whether the current foundation will support the next step. If you both are willing - you know it will. Remember that. Don't keep looking at yourself as being impatient, though, it could be that you're ready to move to the next level.

Hope your C is going well and you have a great weekend.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/04/08 06:17 PM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

well then let me know when you guys are just journaling..because if you guys post it then it's how I see it and I respond to that..

I can see why the MC said that and can see why that would be true..I guess I wonder what your wife thought?? She may have thought you were getting back at her for drinking or you were upset..etc..I guess my thoughts are if you are sleeping on the couch then have a reason for your W..and it can be as simple as needing some space...ya feel me??

you two guys are vets..don't let this stuff bother you..


I thought I would un hijack Ken's thread.

Mike,

I don't post much because much of what is happening in my sitch is basic, boring everyday stuff. Work, making dinner, helping kids with homework, taking care of the house and interacting with my W. Treating her like a good friend. Most of my conflict comes now from within and that is looking at the good and pleasent things that are going on in my life and between me and my W and the negative stuff that creeps in there from self doubt and impatience.

I treat her with the utmost respect. Last night for example. My W got sick after eating eggs a couple of weeks ago now she does not like the smell of them. My D wanted an omelet last night so before I started to make it I lit a bunch of candles in the house. My W asked what I was doing. When I told her she said "thank you that is very nice of you and its vert thoughtful." I simply said your welcome. I did it because it was the right thing to do. Not to get anything from her and I did not expect anything in return and she sees that. Before I think I did stuff and expected something from her and it took away from the action.

I understand what Ken is thinking, feeling and sometimes doing because I think it also. Some of the stuff he is doing like moving to the couch I did several months ago and your right I think they see it more as a power play than us being assertive. But I wanted him to know I have done it and I also think about all that stuff and its normal. And again your right that we cannot let it affect our actions and I have learned not to act on what I am thinking or feeling at any perticular moment. They come and go and thankfully do not come very often and do not last very long.

This is hard on all of us no matter where we are in our sitch because of the vulnerability factor and it fuels self doubt and our basic instict to protect ourselves. So I will let you know from now on when I am journeling and when I am not.

Tim
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/13/08 01:36 PM
Have not updated in a while and someone on another thread asked me to.

I have been swamped at work the last couple of weeks. If I have not mentioned it before I started an electrical contracting company with another person about six months ago. I have lots of stuff to bid plus designing jobs, getting jobs started and making sure our field workers get the material they need. It’s an overwhelming task at times to say the least. But it’s a lot better than where I use to work.

At home things seem to continue on at a snails pace. W and I have very nice conversations about work, the kids, the house and things that we would like to do. I make sure that I look at her and listen intently to what she is saying. I try and ask relevant questions and when she brings something up the next day I make comments on the subject that show her I was listening and remember what she was talking about the day or so before. If she has a bad day or is frustrated with stuff that is going on I listen but do not try and fix. I keep my mouth shut unless she asks for my opinion on what she should do.

I am a HS Swim Official and this is the start of our season. I have many meetings I attend each month now for swimming and HS swim meets start in a couple of weeks so I will be officiating a lot of them. Combine that with all the age group swim meets my kids are in and I will be very busy until the end of February.

I continue to do my fare share of the household chores making sure that they are done without her needing to ask me. We do have our moments when we seem to connect really well. I let her initiate most of the physical stuff most of which happens early in the morning. She still does not come to bed till well after I have gone but I accept this for now hoping that eventually she will change this.

I had my last IC session last Thursday. The C and I decided that I am pretty well centered and doing the best that I can. She felt that unless my W decides to start coming to work on our communication skills or how she is actually feeling about the progress of our R that I did not need to make another appointment. She said that I could call and make one anytime I felt like the frustration of my sitch was getting too much and I needed someone to talk to.

Nothing really out of the ordinary is happening. No drama just everyday normal stuff. I put most of my effort while at home being the best person, dad, husband I can be and enjoying the peace and calm that it brings. I let my kids have all the drama now with all this school/ social stuff teenagers deal with. I stay out of most of it and just listen and give a little nudge if I think they need it. Other than that its their responsibility to make the right choice for them.

I still think about asking her if she is going to IC or if she would like to go to MC but I have not done it yet. Hopefully sometime soon she will want to go. I still feel if she would just go to a C that we would be able to solve most of our remaining issues and move on with our lives. Again until we learn how to communicate our feelings and needs to each other without either of us being on edge its going to be a very slow process from here on out.

That’s pretty much it in a nutshell as they say.

Tim
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/13/08 02:05 PM
sounds like Life...
Posted By: steady Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/13/08 04:09 PM
It's funny Tim - You, nds and I haven't update in a while and we all did today.(well nds did yesterday)

Originally Posted By: Distressed67
At home things seem to continue on at a snails pace. W and I have very nice conversations about work, the kids, the house and things that we would like to do. I make sure that I look at her and listen intently to what she is saying. I try and ask relevant questions and when she brings something up the next day I make comments on the subject that show her I was listening and remember what she was talking about the day or so before. If she has a bad day or is frustrated with stuff that is going on I listen but do not try and fix. I keep my mouth shut unless she asks for my opinion on what she should do.

All good here Tim. That focus on listening really means alot to our W's. It shows we are paying attention. I also focus on the detailed listening, the questions, the ability to talk about the next days etc..

Quote:
I continue to do my fare share of the household chores making sure that they are done without her needing to ask me. We do have our moments when we seem to connect really well. I let her initiate most of the physical stuff most of which happens early in the morning. She still does not come to bed till well after I have gone but I accept this for now hoping that eventually she will change this.

Good on the household stuff - shows consistent action. And we both know the importance of that. Letting her lead on the physical stuff - well, you don't need me to tell you. I've been doing that also, but last night when my W was giving me a kiss and hug goodnight I did pull her onto the bed and she layed her head on my chest. This was the first time I initiated something physical. Figured I'd take a shot at it and see what happens. It worked out well and she even remarked this morning how nice it was.

Quote:
I had my last IC session last Thursday. The C and I decided that I am pretty well centered and doing the best that I can. She felt that unless my W decides to start coming to work on our communication skills or how she is actually feeling about the progress of our R that I did not need to make another appointment. She said that I could call and make one anytime I felt like the frustration of my sitch was getting too much and I needed someone to talk to.

When I go past a week or two I need to decompress so I usually schedule an IC meeting. It's hard not knowing where things stand and that pressure builds up and I get to release it in IC.

Quote:
I put most of my effort while at home being the best person, dad, husband I can be and enjoying the peace and calm that it brings.

Exactly where your focus needs to be.

It's funny Tim how we've remarked the similarities in our sitch's. The only real difference is I have the benefit of going to MC with my W. It makes a big difference and I feel grateful that I have that. The MC allows us to work on issues that would never be addressed without the sessions.

I'm glad you're doing well.
Posted By: Arthur Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/13/08 04:21 PM
Hi Tim

Glad you going along well and work, tho busy, sounds an enjoyable time at the moment. No work stress means home stuff easier to deal with I'm sure.

GL bud
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/13/08 07:26 PM
Originally Posted By: Arthur
Hi Tim

Glad you going along well and work, tho busy, sounds an enjoyable time at the moment. No work stress means home stuff easier to deal with I'm sure.

GL bud


Thanks for stopping by and checking up on me A. I know alot of sh** is going on in your life but its good to hear from you.

Tim
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/13/08 07:30 PM
Originally Posted By: steady
It's funny Tim - You, nds and I haven't update in a while and we all did today.(well nds did yesterday)



Yea it is strange how we all are posting at the same time. I thought about giving you a call yesterday but I got so busy and then I forgot to do it. Just wanted to check up on you and see how thinge were going. Still envious that your W goes to MC what a great thing for you. I keep reading what you write about your W and I wonder if that is what is going on in my W mind.

Take care

Tim
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/13/08 07:35 PM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
sounds like Life...


Yep life, boring compared to yours but thats not always a bad thing. I mean that more on the dating and going out and doing stuff and not the W crazy sh**.
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/13/08 07:49 PM
Tim,

Your life sounds good. You're are doing so well - time, consistency, patience. There's no way to predict what will happen from your W's end, but it seems she appreciates you. Everything can change in a minute - and I continue to hope for you that it's all good.

You have so much more patience than I ever had (and probably ever will).

I'm glad you posted this update, I have been thinking of you.

Whiskey!
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/13/08 08:11 PM
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
sounds like Life...


Yep life, boring compared to yours but thats not always a bad thing. I mean that more on the dating and going out and doing stuff and not the W crazy sh**.


have you gone Batchitt crazy dude?? hey life is what you make it. We all want that boring life Tim..not exactly like yours is now but you know what I mean..a house, with a complete family and some love..and some loving..and some sex...helll I'm not doing anymore than I've ever done..I'm going out, hangin with friends...playing golf..I've got the same responsibilites as everyone else here..

I just no longer have a wife

the only difference in then and now..I've changed for the better ..I'm meeting lots of new people and I'm having a good time..

believe me your life is not boring..it's normal, with just a few little bumps thrown in..my life is normal for where I am at the moment..it's nothing special..it's fun..it is what I make it.
Posted By: Kakatal Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/13/08 08:50 PM
Tim,

Glad you posted an update - see lots of people around to support you too! As always thanks for your support & advice. Don't have much to give myself except all sounds normal for you under the circumstances. Keep your sights set on your goals & ensure your efforts move you toward them.

Kevin
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/14/08 12:18 AM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
sounds like Life...


Yep life, boring compared to yours but thats not always a bad thing. I mean that more on the dating and going out and doing stuff and not the W crazy sh**.


have you gone Batchitt crazy dude?? hey life is what you make it. We all want that boring life Tim..not exactly like yours is now but you know what I mean..a house, with a complete family and some love..and some loving..and some sex...helll I'm not doing anymore than I've ever done..I'm going out, hangin with friends...playing golf..I've got the same responsibilites as everyone else here..

I just no longer have a wife

the only difference in then and now..I've changed for the better ..I'm meeting lots of new people and I'm having a good time..

believe me your life is not boring..it's normal, with just a few little bumps thrown in..my life is normal for where I am at the moment..it's nothing special..it's fun..it is what I make it.


Nope, I'm not crazy at all. I love my life, wife, kids and job at the moment but I think you misunderstood what I meant by exciting. I did not mean to say that you have any less responsibility than me or anything like that.

We hired a gentleman a couple of months ago that knew me before I met my W and before I turned 21. He was telling my partner how I hung out at bars and always was dancing and had friends and different ladies around me but never drank. I explained how I had a fake ID and did not need to be caught DUI so I never drank while out. But was saying how much fun I always had and that I miss all that excitment and freedom. Not that I would trade the life I have now for it but sometimes it would be nice to do that again.

That is the excitement I meant. The fun of going out, hanging with friends and getting to know someone and not have all the baggage to go along with it. At this moment I have practicaly no free time and when I do I just want to sit and veg. Most of my friends are M with kids and are too busy to do stuff also.

When I read about you doing all that stuff its exciting because it is new and different from what I am doing. It reminds me of being young again. I know you would rather of saved your M and stuff so don't take what I say the wrong way. Its like anything even though I don't want to be back out there, to be able to relive that again for a short period would be fun but in the end I prefer what I have. And that is what I meant if it makes any sense and I didn't ramble too much.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/14/08 12:24 AM
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango
Tim,

Your life sounds good. You're are doing so well - time, consistency, patience. There's no way to predict what will happen from your W's end, but it seems she appreciates you. Everything can change in a minute - and I continue to hope for you that it's all good.

You have so much more patience than I ever had (and probably ever will).

I'm glad you posted this update, I have been thinking of you.

Whiskey!


Life is pretty good right now, busy but good.

I have more patience than you because I see my W trying if she would of had multiple PA and be treating me like sh** than my patience would have been gone a long time ago.

Thanks for checking up on me and I hope all is well in your corner of the universe.

Take care,

Tim
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/14/08 11:10 AM
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
sounds like Life...


Yep life, boring compared to yours but thats not always a bad thing. I mean that more on the dating and going out and doing stuff and not the W crazy sh**.


have you gone Batchitt crazy dude?? hey life is what you make it. We all want that boring life Tim..not exactly like yours is now but you know what I mean..a house, with a complete family and some love..and some loving..and some sex...helll I'm not doing anymore than I've ever done..I'm going out, hangin with friends...playing golf..I've got the same responsibilites as everyone else here..

I just no longer have a wife

the only difference in then and now..I've changed for the better ..I'm meeting lots of new people and I'm having a good time..

believe me your life is not boring..it's normal, with just a few little bumps thrown in..my life is normal for where I am at the moment..it's nothing special..it's fun..it is what I make it.


Nope, I'm not crazy at all. I love my life, wife, kids and job at the moment but I think you misunderstood what I meant by exciting. I did not mean to say that you have any less responsibility than me or anything like that.

We hired a gentleman a couple of months ago that knew me before I met my W and before I turned 21. He was telling my partner how I hung out at bars and always was dancing and had friends and different ladies around me but never drank. I explained how I had a fake ID and did not need to be caught DUI so I never drank while out. But was saying how much fun I always had and that I miss all that excitment and freedom. Not that I would trade the life I have now for it but sometimes it would be nice to do that again.

That is the excitement I meant. The fun of going out, hanging with friends and getting to know someone and not have all the baggage to go along with it. At this moment I have practicaly no free time and when I do I just want to sit and veg. Most of my friends are M with kids and are too busy to do stuff also.

When I read about you doing all that stuff its exciting because it is new and different from what I am doing. It reminds me of being young again. I know you would rather of saved your M and stuff so don't take what I say the wrong way. Its like anything even though I don't want to be back out there, to be able to relive that again for a short period would be fun but in the end I prefer what I have. And that is what I meant if it makes any sense and I didn't ramble too much.



Nah..I think we are both on the same page. I know what your saying. Bottom line everyone wants to feel loved and cared for. ;\) My life now may sound exciting at times and yes, it can be and is fun..but it can also suck just like everyone elses sucks sometimes..Like I said..our lives are what we make them. depending on another for happiness and fulfillment is just a way to make a M/R fail...IMO..
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/14/08 01:01 PM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

Like I said..our lives are what we make them. depending on another for happiness and fulfillment is just a way to make a M/R fail...IMO..


Agree with you 100%. And that is where that six letter word comes in that I have heard so much. "Detach". Have a great weekend.
Posted By: smartcookie Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/17/08 07:50 AM
(((((Tim))))))

I got a text from Bridge, she's doing good.


I was reading your post about excitement. I wanted to add my late night thoughts.

I was at a Dr's office the other day, looking at a Travel magazine. Seeing all these people out hiking, kayaking, fishing, and sightseeing, made me realize how much I want to do all that.

I realize now that I gave up so much of me for the "family". Nobody asked me to. I just thought that's what a good mom does. We were always busy & doing things. I just forgot to make time for the things that I wanted to do also. I used to think it was selfish to do those things just for me. Now, looking back, giving up that much, turned into resentment for the people that I love the most. Yet..... they never asked me to give those things up.

I didn't do anybody any favors by giving up that much of me. Now that I'm finding me & more importantly, taking good care of my needs too, my kids have a happier mom.

Hugs
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/18/08 05:07 PM
Good day Tim..are you still living life?? and all is still good?? Are you making yourself happy??
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/18/08 07:26 PM
I am still doing well. Weekend could have been better. My W and I were suppose to have a date on Saturday night because it has been a long couple of weeks for both of us at work. Unfortunately that did not happen. My S and D both ended up having friends over and we took them out to dinner. I was a little irritated and my W knew it. Not angry or mad but disappointed. It has been a while since we just went out to dinner and then we were going to see a play at the local HS that my D said was very funny. We ended up watching "The Bucket List" which was a good movie and then going to bed together.

I guess I let my expectations get up and was let down when it did not happen. Then when she came to bed it felt like the same old, same old was happening again. She avoids coming to bed with me until I get visibly frustrated then she throws me a bone and does it to make me feel better. It took a little bit of effort to get over it but I did. I just don’t want that to be part of our R again. I want her to be with me when things are going well not just when things are a bit off and she wants to get back to the status quo. If you know what I mean. That’s how things were in the past and it sucked then and it still does.

Last night while making dinner we were talking about next weekend. On Saturday I’m taking my S and D to help the Boy Scouts make food baskets for Thanksgiving. Then my D is going to the movies with friends in the afternoon. My W asked if I minded if she went and I said no because it’s that “Twilight” movie they both want to see. She said after she gets home we can go out to dinner together. I told her it would be nice to get out. The rest of the evening was spent carting kids around to various activities.

Then last night as I was heading to bed my W was walking into the livingroom while I was walking out. Its one of those moments you wish you could have back. I said goodnight and she looked at me then gently hit me in the arm and said goodnight. I could be wrong but it felt like I could of asked her for a hug and kiss goodnight and gotten it. Maybe it was just me but the attraction on my part was there. It was just one of those odd moments.

How you doing Mike, pretty quiet on your thread today.

Tim
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/18/08 10:07 PM
Hi Tim,

Quote:
I want her to be with me when things are going well not just when things are a bit off and she wants to get back to the status quo.


Powerful statement. Status quo is the way you feel your life has been for a long time, yes? From what you've written status quo is good, yet not moving forward. And I'm not trying to say it's not good, but from the tone of your writing, status quo is getting old.

What was planned for the kids when you two scheduled your date? How did that change?

I'm trying to phrase this properly, has your W mostly put the children before your M? I recall earlier threads that mention this issue and it seemed to frustrate you.

I just deleted a whole thought about that playful punch in the arm because I answered my own question. It was at night. I agree if you asked she would have given you more - but she's not going to initiate night contact. Wish she'd go to MC, it's one of the ways to really get this moving forward. Until then, keep doing what you do. You are consistent and positive.

Are you doing OK?

Whiskey!
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/18/08 11:46 PM
Yes..it's best not to have any expectations at all. Hopefully this next "date" will happen and it may stir some moving forward..

I agree MC would do wonders here..
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/19/08 11:01 AM
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango
Hi Tim,

Quote:
I want her to be with me when things are going well not just when things are a bit off and she wants to get back to the status quo.


Powerful statement. Status quo is the way you feel your life has been for a long time, yes? From what you've written status quo is good, yet not moving forward. And I'm not trying to say it's not good, but from the tone of your writing, status quo is getting old.



Yes, its getting old. I'm not frustrated or anything I just want to move on. I want to be able to express how I feel towards her without feeling like I am pressuring her or that I am overstepping my bounds by doing it. I want to know if she has some sort of romantic feelings toward me. That in itself would be nice to know. I want to be able to hold her and kiss her if I want without feeling like I shouldn’t


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

What was planned for the kids when you two scheduled your date? How did that change?




Nothing was planned for them. They are old enough to stay home alone. However my D and her friend went to the play we were going to go to and I can't leave my S home alone when he has a friend over. It was not something that was planned it just happened and threw a monkey wrench into my plans thats all.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

I'm trying to phrase this properly, has your W mostly put the children before your M? I recall earlier threads that mention this issue and it seemed to frustrate you.



Yes, always and I told her this a while back that is one of the things that made me angry. I was never put first in her book and it seemed the only time I was put first was in bed. It was the kids, your work, the house and then what was left was for me and that never seemed to happen.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

I just deleted a whole thought about that playful punch in the arm because I answered my own question. It was at night. I agree if you asked she would have given you more - but she's not going to initiate night contact. Wish she'd go to MC, it's one of the ways to really get this moving forward. Until then, keep doing what you do. You are consistent and positive.

Are you doing OK?

Whiskey!



I agree with the night contact but not sure how I should breach the subject. And with MC I could not agree more. Have stated that over and over again. I'm trying to find a way to bring up the subject and get her to go. We just need to learn to communicate and get past this rough spot. I feel we are so close but it seems neither of us knows how to get that done. I see so many positive things from her and sense some good feelings but its hard to know exactly what to do or say. A MC could solve that issue if only…….

Other than that I am good. Very busy but not stressed like I was eight months ago at the other job and with my home life. Both are so much better and it makes it easier to keep myself centered.

How are things with you? Gotta love this cold weather. \:\(

Take care,

Tim
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/19/08 11:12 AM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Yes..it's best not to have any expectations at all. Hopefully this next "date" will happen and it may stir some moving forward..

I agree MC would do wonders here..



I do need to keep my expectations low. I just 2x4 someone on Monday for getting his hopes up way too soon. Its hard, it would be so much nicer if you could remove all emotions from your sitch but they creep in there and that is when my expectations go up. Plus with the positive signs I see from her and the feelings of being closer makes it even more difficult. I thought this tight rope would get easier to walk but it just does not.

She is so close when she is on the couch or in the bed but I feel like a teenager on a date. Should I or should I not. Maybe she wants me to do something but I don’t want to go too fast. Again I think if we could just start being more intimate the rest would follow very quickly but its making that first move at the right time
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/24/08 03:39 PM
Weekend update,

W calls me Friday afternoon to see if I will be working late. I told her that I would be and that I was going to go straight to the swimming pool and that she would have to drop the kids off there on her way to the make-up party. She asks if I will have time to get something to eat, I said probably not. She askes if I want her to bring me something to eat to the pool. I told her I had a big lunch and should be fine but thanks for offering.

I got done early so I went home, got changed quickly and then took the kids to the pool. Told W to have a good time and not to drink too much and to drive safely because the road are slick. She said she was not going too because of the weather.

Did not get home till after 9:30 from the pool and W got home shortly after. We watch a little tv then I went to bed. In the morning my W informed me that she had to pick up my D from the movies tonight and take her friends home so we would not be going out. Was irritated and said that to her. Told her we need time to go out and just be together and that it can't always be about the kids. Did not really get much of a responce from her and she got up to get ready.

I got up then and made myself breakfast and then I went and got dressed. Talked a little more to my W about other things. I had shelved my disappointment and moved on. The kids and I then went with the Boy Scouts to help stuff baskets for Thanksgiving. When we got home I took my D over to a friends house about 3:00 because she was going to see the Twilight movie. When I got home my W was there and suggested we go out and do some shopping and stuff. We could not because my S made plans with one of his friends and they were going to pick him up at our house sometime around 6 and that would be too late for us to go out because the movie was over at 6:45. And we would not have enoght time to go out and get back before 6.

My W decised to go alone while I stayed home and did stuff around the house. After my S left I started to make dinenr for us when my W called to inform me that my SIL and Neice were also coming over. Oh if the night could not get any better. I figured at this point though what did it matter and just put on my best PMA and had dinner with the 4 of them.

My SIL and Neice left right after dinner, bummer, and my W and I watched a movie together and then went to bed together. We talked for a while and then she snuggled up to me. In the morning I returned the favor and snuggled up to her.

Sunday was hectic. It was my FIL 80th birthday and we were having a surprise party for him at a local resturant. We went early in the morning to set up and then back at 12:30 to get the food out and prepare for the guests. We had about 45 people show up and it was really nice.

We had a Texas Holdem tournament for who ever wanted to play and Bingo for the rest and the kids. We had a first prize of $50.00 which I won so technically I won my own money but its better than losing it. Helped clean up and everone said they had a great time.

Got home watch a little football, saw that my Dolphins got crushed and then the W and I watch a little tv and I went to bed.

So all in all it was a nice weekend. Not exacly as I had planned but it never is.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/24/08 05:20 PM
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Weekend update,

W calls me Friday afternoon to see if I will be working late. I told her that I would be and that I was going to go straight to the swimming pool and that she would have to drop the kids off there on her way to the make-up party. She asks if I will have time to get something to eat, I said probably not. She askes if I want her to bring me something to eat to the pool. I told her I had a big lunch and should be fine but thanks for offering.

I got done early so I went home, got changed quickly and then took the kids to the pool. Told W to have a good time and not to drink too much and to drive safely because the road are slick. She said she was not going too because of the weather.

Did not get home till after 9:30 from the pool and W got home shortly after. We watch a little tv then I went to bed. In the morning my W informed me that she had to pick up my D from the movies tonight and take her friends home so we would not be going out. Was irritated and said that to her. Told her we need time to go out and just be together and that it can't always be about the kids. Did not really get much of a responce from her and she got up to get ready.

I got up then and made myself breakfast and then I went and got dressed. Talked a little more to my W about other things. I had shelved my disappointment and moved on. The kids and I then went with the Boy Scouts to help stuff baskets for Thanksgiving. When we got home I took my D over to a friends house about 3:00 because she was going to see the Twilight movie. When I got home my W was there and suggested we go out and do some shopping and stuff. We could not because my S made plans with one of his friends and they were going to pick him up at our house sometime around 6 and that would be too late for us to go out because the movie was over at 6:45. And we would not have enoght time to go out and get back before 6.

My W decised to go alone while I stayed home and did stuff around the house. After my S left I started to make dinenr for us when my W called to inform me that my SIL and Neice were also coming over. Oh if the night could not get any better. I figured at this point though what did it matter and just put on my best PMA and had dinner with the 4 of them.

My SIL and Neice left right after dinner, bummer, and my W and I watched a movie together and then went to bed together. We talked for a while and then she snuggled up to me. In the morning I returned the favor and snuggled up to her.

Sunday was hectic. It was my FIL 80th birthday and we were having a surprise party for him at a local resturant. We went early in the morning to set up and then back at 12:30 to get the food out and prepare for the guests. We had about 45 people show up and it was really nice.

We had a Texas Holdem tournament for who ever wanted to play and Bingo for the rest and the kids. We had a first prize of $50.00 which I won so technically I won my own money but its better than losing it. Helped clean up and everone said they had a great time.

Got home watch a little football, saw that my Dolphins got crushed and then the W and I watch a little tv and I went to bed.

So all in all it was a nice weekend. Not exacly as I had planned but it never is.


just a suggestion Tim and don't take this the wrong way..Please??

It will not hurt the kids to miss out on things one weekend so you and your W can get out as a couple..it sounds like W was really receptive and "kids" outings got in the way..

the date may be an important thing for you both..make it happen..if you can..
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/24/08 05:55 PM
I'm not taking it the wrong way. I agree 100%. I said this to her after I found out that we could not go out because of her picking up our D. We were talking about our S homework that needs done, his science fair project, his merit badges and the stuffing of baskets that needed done on Saturday. Thats when I told her I need time to do stuff for myself. And she said you did last Sunday, this was said in jest. Thats when I said I am tired of everything being for the kids and about the kids what about us. I said I wanted to go out tonight.

She may have taken it the wrong way at first and that is why she got out of bed and went into the bathroom to get changed. I did not mean it to sound like I don't want to do stuff for or with my kids or that they are a burden to me but holy cow if we don't spend time together and learn how to enjoy each other again how are we ever going to get the intimacy back that is needed to revitalize this M. I sometimes feel like a dog chasing its tail.

After she came downstairs we were able to continue our converstation and then when she got back from shopping for stuff for the birthday party on Sunday and we were cutting up veggies and cheese that she suggested going out shopping together. I also think it is why she came to bed early. Either to appease me or she is seeing the relavence of my argument. Who knows which it is my mind reading tool is on the fritz, got one to spare?

I just want to find a happy balance between the kids, the house, my time and our time together. Right now the frist two take it all and there is almost none for the last. I have been pondering for about two weeks now on how I should broach this subject and have us work on a solution because one needs to be found.

Anyway, How was your weekend Mike. Must have beed great with having your D and all.

Tim
Posted By: Kakatal Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/24/08 06:36 PM
Good morning Tim. As always thanks for your advice on my sitch. Hope I can return the favor.

Originally Posted By: Distressed67
That's when I said I am tired of everything being for the kids and about the kids what about us. I said I wanted to go out tonight.

I have been pondering for about two weeks now on how I should broach this subject and have us work on a solution because one needs to be found.


Reading the above 2 sentences it appears to me that you have already broached the subject with you w. And in your earlier post, you said the following:

Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Told her we need time to go out and just be together and that it can't always be about the kids. Did not really get much of a response from her and she got up to get ready.

When I got home my W was there and suggested we go out and do some shopping and stuff.


It appears that your w did hear your concern although initially she did not respond to you, she later did try on her part to do something with you.

I'd just tell her you would like to talk & bring up how you want to plan "date night" or something along the lines of wanting to dedicate a night once a month, every two weeks, whatever feels comfortable to her for the 2 of you to go out & enjoy life. It isn't a subject that is coming out of left field - you already brought it up this past weekend.

You are dead on with not restoring feelings of intimacy if you do not start enjoying each other's company alone.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/24/08 06:53 PM
Quote:
She may have taken it the wrong way at first and that is why she got out of bed and went into the bathroom to get changed. I did not mean it to sound like I don't want to do stuff for or with my kids or that they are a burden to me but holy cow if we don't spend time together and learn how to enjoy each other again how are we ever going to get the intimacy back that is needed to revitalize this M. I sometimes feel like a dog chasing its tail.

After she came downstairs we were able to continue our converstation and then when she got back from shopping for stuff for the birthday party on Sunday and we were cutting up veggies and cheese that she suggested going out shopping together. I also think it is why she came to bed early. Either to appease me or she is seeing the relavence of my argument. Who knows which it is my mind reading tool is on the fritz, got one to spare?


I think she heard you, ignored it, then tried to make it up to you with the shopping trip..

you are a dog chasing it's tail now..but if you catch the damn thing then >>ohhhh what fun that could be!!

I had a crystal ball one time..Ian broke the damn thing with a 2x4 so I no longer have one.. \:D

Quote:
I just want to find a happy balance between the kids, the house, my time and our time together. Right now the frist two take it all and there is almost none for the last. I have been pondering for about two weeks now on how I should broach this subject and have us work on a solution because one needs to be found.


so find a way.. a solution is there. Look for it..ask her for a date night..get a sitter..tell the kids..something comes up with a friend then you just miss out..this night is all about mom and dad time..

Quote:
Anyway, How was your weekend Mike.


it's a party all the time Tim..Jocularity, Jocularity
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/24/08 07:18 PM
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
Good morning Tim. As always thanks for your advice on my sitch. Hope I can return the favor.

Originally Posted By: Distressed67
That's when I said I am tired of everything being for the kids and about the kids what about us. I said I wanted to go out tonight.

I have been pondering for about two weeks now on how I should broach this subject and have us work on a solution because one needs to be found.


Reading the above 2 sentences it appears to me that you have already broached the subject with you w. And in your earlier post, you said the following:

Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Told her we need time to go out and just be together and that it can't always be about the kids. Did not really get much of a response from her and she got up to get ready.

When I got home my W was there and suggested we go out and do some shopping and stuff.


It appears that your w did hear your concern although initially she did not respond to you, she later did try on her part to do something with you.

I'd just tell her you would like to talk & bring up how you want to plan "date night" or something along the lines of wanting to dedicate a night once a month, every two weeks, whatever feels comfortable to her for the 2 of you to go out & enjoy life. It isn't a subject that is coming out of left field - you already brought it up this past weekend.

You are dead on with not restoring feelings of intimacy if you do not start enjoying each other's company alone.


Your right I did bring up the subject but not in a very constructive way. I need to do it in a fashion that is conducive to working together and coming to an agreement that will benifit both of us.

I suggested many months ago about us having a date night, it was not received very well and nothing came from it and I think that is why I hesitate. I think now is a much better time to bring it back up and see where it gets me because the longer I/ we wait the less likely it is to get done. And the less likely that we will be able to reconnect.
Posted By: steady Re: Doing what got me this far. - 11/28/08 11:22 PM
lol Tim. It was my bringing up my frustration at not following through on the MC's telling us to have a date night every week that started the giant snowball rolling into a 3 hour sink throwing, missile firing, grenade tossing, flame thrower, dirty nuclear bomb full assault on me by my W. lol

It was my expectations - I expect her to want to spend time with me and when she consistently chooses other things my a$$ gets in my own way. But I am learning.

Working very hard right now on GAL. I need that - it will take me out of the whirlwind that is my W. She's a freakin twister one second, then pure sunshine the next. Was an insane evening last night - I woke up this morning feeling like I woke up in a totally different universe. It was the weirdest feeling I've ever had.

Funny how we parallel.

Next time one of the moments happen - ask for the hug. But have no expectations on getting it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking - I ask my W and she is always receptive. Sometimes she even initiates it lately. (I'm not talking about the hello/goodbye hugs that we've doing for quite a while) The worst your W could say is no. If you feel it get awkward after you ask - you can even add: "It's ok if you don't want to. And I only want you to if it's something you want to do." This way you won't have the - did she do that only because I asked and she felt obligated or did she do it because she really wanted to question that will arise in your head.

I went through this with my W at one point. Told her I don't want her to say or do anything out of some 'obligation' because I don't want to have to question her motivation. This conversation came up after she said in MC that she was doing certain things so she wouldn't 'hurt my feeling'. I told her I don't need her pity and would rather her do what she wants to do. So after that I had the why did she do that question in my - that's when I sat her down and had the conversation with her.

You have to chisel out the time for you and your W. If you don't that time will fill up with something else - as I'm sure you know. Make a date (after talking with your W about it) and then make sure the coast is clear - like Mike said - baby sitter, talk to the kids, etc... Clear the path so you guys can follow through on the date.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/02/08 04:13 PM
Update on my last week,

Wednesday my W and D went to Philly with my SIL to look at Temple U and to do some shopping. My W called me several times during the day. One time to let me know that they arrived, then again to say that they liked the campus, Another time to say that her niece was not getting off at 8pm like she was suppose to so they will be late and then several more time bitching about her having to work till after 11pm getting ready for Black Friday. Her last call was at 12:30am to inform me that they were finally leaving. Told her to drive safely and if she felt tired to pull over because I was worried about her and our D. They finally got home about 2:30 in the morning.

Thursday I was up about 7:30 to start the turkey. My W got up and we worked together to get it in the oven. I then proceeded to clean up around the house while she went up to bed to rest. We then worked together to get the rest of the dinner ready and my IL arrived about 1pm for dinner. Had a nice time, we cleaned up and then played a little poker and they all left about 4:30. Good for me, watch a little bit of football and we spent the rest of the day vegging.

Friday my W went shopping and I spent a good portion of the day setting up spread sheets for her because she took over as treasure of out S Boy Scout troop and the person who has done it for the last several years did it on paper. A lot of data entry and double checking his figures to make sure all was in order. My W got home around 4pm and she finished imputing the data. We ordered pizza and watched a move together.

Saturday morning I woke up and snuggled up to my W and we would have stayed in bed longer but my D friend called and woke us up. We then took the kids and my SIL to cut down a tree for Christmas. The kids really like doing this and we all decided on a Frasier Fur this year to be different. My W asked me if I would be OK with it and that I would not disappointed. I told her that change is good, she had bought new LED lights for the tree this year so its only fitting to get a different style of tree. What the he11, I have changed everything else this year I might as well change the style of tree also.

Got home put the tree up and started checking the light that I put outside to make sure they work. W took D and her friend over to her house and was going to stop and see if she could get more LED lights. I started to put up the lights when she got home. We put the rest of the lights up together. We then went inside and did the lights on the tree inside.

Spent the rest of the evening together until she went to pick up our D. She had a headache earlier in the day but thought she had gotten rid of it. I asked her when she came to bed how she thought we were doing because I don’t know what she is thinking. She said that we were doing Ok, and then she changed it to good. Then she said that she still had a headache and took her migraine medicine for it. I dropped the subject and we just snuggled till she fell asleep.

Sunday we meet my mom for breakfast and then I took the kids home and got my S started on his homework while I did some work that I brought home. I then had a swim meeting at 1pm and when I got home my W, D and MIL had gone out shopping leaving my FIL there to put dinner in.

We ate dinner with the IL again and then I cleaned up. Spent the rest of the evening decorating the tree and the house and then we watch a little tv together and I headed off to bed.

We really are getting along better and at one point while we were playing Hold’em my W said that I was “small” meaning small blind and I said that she should never say that to a guy. She gave me a big smile and we both had a little chuckle out of it. Its been a long time since I made a sexual reference to my W that she took with a smile. Take it as a positive. Now we just need to get some intimacy back. Plan on bringing us up again this weekend and hopefully can get more information out of her and also plan on pushing for MC.

Have a great week all.

Tim

Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/02/08 05:26 PM
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Update on my last week,

Wednesday my W and D went to Philly with my SIL to look at Temple U and to do some shopping. My W called me several times during the day. One time to let me know that they arrived, then again to say that they liked the campus, Another time to say that her niece was not getting off at 8pm like she was suppose to so they will be late and then several more time bitching about her having to work till after 11pm getting ready for Black Friday. Her last call was at 12:30am to inform me that they were finally leaving. Told her to drive safely and if she felt tired to pull over because I was worried about her and our D. They finally got home about 2:30 in the morning.

Thursday I was up about 7:30 to start the turkey. My W got up and we worked together to get it in the oven. I then proceeded to clean up around the house while she went up to bed to rest. We then worked together to get the rest of the dinner ready and my IL arrived about 1pm for dinner. Had a nice time, we cleaned up and then played a little poker and they all left about 4:30. Good for me, watch a little bit of football and we spent the rest of the day vegging.

Friday my W went shopping and I spent a good portion of the day setting up spread sheets for her because she took over as treasure of out S Boy Scout troop and the person who has done it for the last several years did it on paper. A lot of data entry and double checking his figures to make sure all was in order. My W got home around 4pm and she finished imputing the data. We ordered pizza and watched a move together.

Saturday morning I woke up and snuggled up to my W and we would have stayed in bed longer but my D friend called and woke us up. We then took the kids and my SIL to cut down a tree for Christmas. The kids really like doing this and we all decided on a Frasier Fur this year to be different. My W asked me if I would be OK with it and that I would not disappointed. I told her that change is good, she had bought new LED lights for the tree this year so its only fitting to get a different style of tree. What the he11, I have changed everything else this year I might as well change the style of tree also.

Got home put the tree up and started checking the light that I put outside to make sure they work. W took D and her friend over to her house and was going to stop and see if she could get more LED lights. I started to put up the lights when she got home. We put the rest of the lights up together. We then went inside and did the lights on the tree inside.

Spent the rest of the evening together until she went to pick up our D. She had a headache earlier in the day but thought she had gotten rid of it. I asked her when she came to bed how she thought we were doing because I don’t know what she is thinking. She said that we were doing Ok, and then she changed it to good. Then she said that she still had a headache and took her migraine medicine for it. I dropped the subject and we just snuggled till she fell asleep.

Sunday we meet my mom for breakfast and then I took the kids home and got my S started on his homework while I did some work that I brought home. I then had a swim meeting at 1pm and when I got home my W, D and MIL had gone out shopping leaving my FIL there to put dinner in.

We ate dinner with the IL again and then I cleaned up. Spent the rest of the evening decorating the tree and the house and then we watch a little tv together and I headed off to bed.

We really are getting along better and at one point while we were playing Hold’em my W said that I was “small” meaning small blind and I said that she should never say that to a guy. She gave me a big smile and we both had a little chuckle out of it. Its been a long time since I made a sexual reference to my W that she took with a smile. Take it as a positive. Now we just need to get some intimacy back. Plan on bringing us up again this weekend and hopefully can get more information out of her and also plan on pushing for MC.

Have a great week all.

Tim



hammer down..

it's all good..
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/05/08 03:59 PM
Couple of interesting interactions with my W this week.

On Tuesday she called me at work at lunch time to see what I was doing. Told her I had just got done eating and asked what she was doing and how her day was going. She said it has been busy and that she was just calling to tell me that they were getting ready to leave for their overnight conference. Told her to drive safely and to have a good time. We talked for a while longer and then she said that she would call tonight.

I knew she was going out of town and that they were leaving around noon but not sure why she called. It was nice that she did. She did call later on in the evening and talked to my D for a minute and then we talked for a while about the rest of her day and mine and what her plans were for tomorrow as far as when she will be home and stuff.

On Wednesday I had a meeting at a job site late in the afternoon about an 1-1/2 from home. On my way back I called my D to let her know when to turn the oven on and to start dinner so I could get them to swim practice on time. When I got home my W car was in the driveway, I was surprised because I did not think she would be home till late. As soon as I got out of my car my phone rang and it was my W. As I walked up onto my deck I could see her talking to me on the phone through the kitchen window, she saw me and laughed. We continued to talk on the phone as I came through the back door and she had gone into the dinning room to get something. She said goodbye but I kept talking and she finally said goodbye again and hung up on me. The nerve of her hanging up on me like that.

Last night I was downloading pictures for my S science project so that we could send them somewhere to get them printed. I was sitting in the chair at the computer while my W was sitting on the floor near me. We were talking about our day and stuff while I finished getting the pictures to the site. It was getting late so as the pictures were downloading to the site my W said for me to go to bed since I have to get up early and she will finish.

Here is the interesting part she said to me “help your old lady up here.” Now I have never and would never say that to any woman let alone my W and normally she would say “help me up.” Not really sure why she said that. I know in the construction industry around her a lot of the men call their W or GF that but I have always found it to be derogatory and demeaning to them. Maybe its nothing but I thought it was an interesting comment by her that’s all.

Today we are meeting at my S school for a parent/ teacher conference. Not sure what this is about but I am banking it is due to his lack of effort in school. He just got his report card and all the teachers said the same thing. Good student, does not pay attention in class and is not working to his potential. He got all A’s and B’s and a C in math for the first time which I am not happy about and that is the teacher we are seeing today at 11:45. After the conference my W and I are going out to lunch. I know she has talked to him about his lack of effort and not paying attention in class so I will leave it be until the next report card and if he has not improved he knows I will be the one stepping in at that point.

Tonight I have a High School Swim meet and then early tomorrow is my kids age group swim meet so its going to be a long couple of days on a pool deck.

I am planning on talking to my W this weekend about where we stand and about possibly going to MC to improve our communications skills that are severely lacking. Hopefully she is receptive to it and opens up to me about how she feels and how she thinks we are doing.

Take care all and have a great weekend.

Tim
Posted By: steady Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/06/08 01:15 AM
Hi Tim. It sounds really good. I'm glad you asked your W how she thought you guys were doing. Sometimes you have to put your a$$ out there. It's nice also she changed it from ok to good. It means she was really thinking about what you asked, and not just spitting out an answer to get past the subject. Nice stuff there.

Yeah, new type of Christmas tree. What the hell...lol. Complete redo for you this year man. I actually got a compliment from my W, it was actually her telling me about what her mom thought of my changes, and said her mom wishes her dad could do what I did. I know I've been working my a$$ off to be a better person - and I know it's working. Not because someone else is telling me, but because I can feel the difference inside of me. These changes have become me. (Or maybe I've become the changes - or maybe I'm coming because of the changes? lol)

Like Mike said, hammer down. You're still doing really good. Have a nice weekend.
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/15/08 05:54 PM
Hi Tim,

No news is good news right?

Just to let you know that you are in my thoughts. Hope the holidays treat you and your family well and your M is continuing to move forward.

Whiskey.
Posted By: Arthur Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/16/08 08:58 AM
Hey Tim

Struggling to keep up as much these days. To much GALing as you may know from my thread, but I'm still about and if you ever want my input, just come by and shout. I'm a little behind on your sitch I think, so hope all is as well as it can be

GL Buddy
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/16/08 11:21 AM
Thanks for stopping by Arthur and Whiskey to see how I am doing.

Things have been progressing slowly. The W and I have been getting along really well and I see alot of positives. The other night my D and I were watching a tv show together when my W came to join us. There was not alot of room between us and when she sat down I went to move over and she told me not to. After my D left we sat that close and continued to watch tv till I went to bed.

This past Saturday her and I did get to go out and spend time together. She has been wearing her ER all the time but not her WR. I continue to do as much as I can around the house and she seems to appriciate it. The only negative I have seen is that on Saturday when we went to bed together and she snuggled up to me she did not do it under the covers and she hasn't for quite a while. She said her hand was cold and I said to come under my covers but she just used her blanket to cover her arm. This is typical but its the first time I mentioned anything and not that I was disappointed but it sort of drove home to me that there is still things that we need to overcome.

I know that things are improving and I debate back and forth whether or not I should force some issues to speed things up a little bit. Sometimes I feel if I just gave a little push here or there we would turn the corner and other times I think it would hinder our progress. Timing is everything and hopefully when I do it, it is done in a way that helps us move forward.

Other than that things are hectic with the holidays, swimming and my work load.

How are things with you Whiskey? Ready for Christmas?

A, I have been following your sitch just nothing to add. Sounds like you are doing really well and hanging out flirting with the ladies is harmless and as long as your not becoming the OM in there stitches there is nothing wrong with talking and listning to them. Plus what a great ego boost.


Take care,

Tim
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/16/08 12:37 PM
Bah Humbug!

I take the simple approach to holidays, do not get tangled in the materialistic BS. My nieces and nephews get spoiled, Christmas is for kids. I just like going for a ride and looking at the lights or going to dinner with friends. Spending time is much more important - everyone's life is so busy.....

Tim, your patience is beautiful. I really wish she'd just go to MC so you don't have to do this all yourself. Trying to determine the right time to bring things up knowing that if it's not the right time, you've taken 5 steps back...... Not fair. IMHO you have been doing a majority of the work for quite a while. She has some pretty firm boundaries in place and she's not budging unless she feels she may have pi$$ed you off. From a friend standpoint, you both are doing great.

I'm concerned there's never going to be a right time. A few week's ago there was flirting which you handled very well. Do you feel there's been more of that? Maybe I'm being too hard your W based on knowing only what you put here. If that's the case, forgive me.

I hope you keep posting and that you stay safe in this goofy storm we're supposed to get tonight. I hate ice!

Whiskey
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/16/08 02:54 PM
Patience has become my middle name with dealing with my W. Also regarding her going to MC I tell myself over and over and over again as it has been drilled into my head on these boards that I can only control my actions and not that of anybody else. If she does not want to go to MC then I have two choices I can either pout and get upset about it. Or I can do what Clint Eastwood says in Heartbreak Ridge and that is “to adapt, to improvise and to overcome.”

This is the way it is and I need to work within these boundaries that she has set up and do what I can. Is it fair, from my POV no, but I cannot change it at the moment. It has been better don’t get me wrong. Little touches from her, sitting on the bed the other night and talking after she came out of the bathroom and I was in bed before she went downstairs to watch tv. Her being more open in telling me if she does not like something I said or did without either of us getting defensive. Just being more relaxed and comfortable around each other.

All this is great, its nice and it’s a hell of an improvement. I feel we are so much closer and connecting more. I don’t know what it was like living in fear of me all those years so I cannot judge her reluctance to speeding things up. I can’t read her mind and I may be a little cold in how I portray her at times but she is dealing with a lot of issues also. I think she is trying in her own way and is slowly inching towards me but she is still not fully convinced that it will work and is still holding back. What will it take for her to fully trust me again and open up, I don’t know. All I know is what I have been doing seems to be working and feels right. Frustrating at time, yes, but if I get where I want to go with my M/R then it will be well worth it.

I don’t think that much about it. I focus on me and what I need to get done and what I need to do for my kids. I concentrate on my officiating and getting this new company that we started on solid ground. I allow her to come to me, to initiate the contact and to move the R along at her pace. She controls it at the moment but as I said I have thought of my approach to moving it along and how I want to say things to her and how I will react to what she might say in return. I am good for now and once swim season is over I will be able to sit back and relax for a moment and re-evaluate my sitch at that time. Communication counseling for us is a must in my book and eventually will need to be addressed and that is one of my key points that will be discussed. To me we need that more than we need MC at this point.

I look forward to the holidays. Spending time with my family and we are going to see Les Mis in DC the 27th of this month and that should be really fun. Then on Sunday the 28th its Christmas with my mom and my brothers and sister whom I have not seen in months so that should be great.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/17/08 01:08 PM
Quote:
If she does not want to go to MC then I have two choices I can either pout and get upset about it. Or I can do what Clint Eastwood says in Heartbreak Ridge and that is “to adapt, to improvise and to overcome.”


you can go to MC alone..
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/17/08 04:46 PM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Quote:
If she does not want to go to MC then I have two choices I can either pout and get upset about it. Or I can do what Clint Eastwood says in Heartbreak Ridge and that is “to adapt, to improvise and to overcome.”


you can go to MC alone..


I have been there alone. The C told me after about 5 sessions that I don't need to come back unless I needed someone to talk to or if my W decided to come. She said that I was in a good place and that I have handled my issues very well now it is just learning better communication with my W and her getting over whatever is preventing us from moving our R forward.

She told me that I have been very patient and could not figure out why my W is so against coming to MC or to improve our intamacy without speaking to her. I felt the same and see no need to go there unless things start going south again or I start feeling really frustrated which I have not.

I am doing well. I wish there was more intamacy but at the moment she does not seem ready for any of that and I am ok with it right now. But I do know in the near future that I will be speaking to her about going to MC and moving our R forward.
Posted By: steady Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/20/08 01:53 PM
Hi Tim. Just stopping in to say hello. I don't have much to add. It seems as time goes by I have less things to post in my own thread because thinks have plateaued a bit. (For the most part) Mostly positives coming, some small, some big. I don't get hung up in the small things that used to cause arguments, focusing on me and doing what is right and becoming the man I always wanted to be. You are doing the same.

I see were are venting less and less. This is a really good thing. Less negatives happening for both of us. Slow and steady. You'll get there.
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/24/08 05:57 PM
Tim,

I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas!

WT
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/29/08 04:19 PM
Sometimes days just suck.

Had a converstion with my W this morning and not really sure it did any good. Told her I was tired of all this stuff. That I want more than what I am getting and that I just don't know how she feels. She of course responded by saying that she thought things were getting better and that we were talking more and laughing and stuff. I said I see that also but I have no idea how you feel?

This must be a difficult question because she never did answer it. I told her about the other day when she sunggled up to me and said that she was cold and I told her to come under the covers with me to warm up and she did not and how that made me feel and that I can't get close to her sometimes. She responded by saying there are times she feels unwanted when she gets close to me and I don't put my arm around her or on hers.

I told her "its hard to talk to her on sensitive subjects. I can't bring it up in the morning because your tired, I can't do it at night because the kids are up and I can't do it during the day because we are too busy. That is why I asked you 3 months ago, 6 months ago and 8 months ago to go to MC with me so we could learn how to communicate.

I don't want to be here six months from now doing the same thing, hell I don't want to be doing this in three months. I want to be able to hug you or kiss you without it feeling akward and I know you say we haven't been like that in a long time. But neither of us liked the old R so why do you want to have our new R be anything like the old.

I think you are waiting for this to all feel natural but it never will unless we get past the awkwardness. Also I feel you are trying to keep your distance for some reason and I don't know what that is. You come to bed late at night always staying up later than me, I get up early in the morning so we are hardly awake at the same time"

She said that she likes to stay up late and relax by herself and she stays up till the kids go to bed. She says she has feelings for me or she would not be here but what are they? She then said oh I get what you are saying. (meaning not being awake at the same times but I doubt she got the whole meaning only part of it)

And maybe I am just frustrated, or maybe I am stressed from work, or maybe its the holidays, or maybe I thought I would get more reaction from her for the gift I spent months working on for her, or maybe I am just feeling lonely and need some loving. Its probably a combination of all the above.

But I'm tired of pussy footing around this subject and it needed to be said but again I doubt it was worth my breath.

Sorry just needed to vent.

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas.

Tim
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/29/08 04:43 PM
so..you told her..now stand back and watch...and don't let this get you spinning.

she if she does more of the same.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/29/08 05:45 PM
I'm really not spinning Mike, I'm just tired of it dragging on and on. She says that it is getting better but that is her canned responce. And of course she thinks its getting better, its all about her needs right now. I see things improving but I guess I want more, I need more. A more physical sign that things are improving. I would take a simple ILU from her, something to indicate that we are moving more in a direction that I want it to move.

And maybe I am asking too much from her, I don't know. I just know what I am feeling and what I need. I am trying to give her what I think she wants/ needs but without input its hard to say I am giving her exactly what she needs. You know what I am saying.

I felt I needed to give it a kick start, a push in the direction I want it to go. I just hate this feeling I get after I bring stuff up and I should not have to feel this way but I do and what else can I do? Its not a now or never thing but more of a, I have done alot and put alot of myself out there for our M/R now I need you to kick in here and help out sort of thing.

Is it wrong of me to expect a little effort on her part if we are in fact "getting better" as she says. And she may be trying but not in a way that is apparent to me or helpful to me. I have change my aproach to meeting her wants and needs is it too much for her to do the same?

I did say this morning that I felt we were going around and around in a circle. She said at least we are in the same circle. Yea, Haw now we are two dogs chasing the same tail.

One last thing that is running through my mind. When does it turn from an individual effort to an I have done all I can alone, in order to suceeed we need to do this together deal. Because I feel that I am here.
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/29/08 05:54 PM
Tim,

My response may not be popular but it's what I see. IMHO she is doing what she needs to do to keep the family on track. Seems to be her focus. And to be friends with you. I mean honestly, what goes on between the 2 of you could safely go on between 2 friends.

Your conversation with her leaves me with a feeling that she's playing a little dumb so the discussion will die there. But she's been doing that for a while.

Good for you for putting the MC expectation out there. So it's safe to say she did not go to IC, yes?

IMHO, again, I feel her children are very important to her and that's her main focus through all of this and has always been. I mean if living with you was so awful before why didn't she leave? (sorry for being so blunt here, but this all hits sore spots with me). Keep your children living with a man you fear? That's never made sense to me in all honesty.

I'm deleting more and more so that means time to shut my mouth.

It's MC or bust at this point. Unless she wakes up very soon and decides to treat you like a husband and not a room mate.

Whiskey
Posted By: ndsmhelp Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/29/08 06:56 PM
Tim
I don't think I am up on your sitch completely, but seem to remember some similarities with mine...at least as far as your WAW still being home with you...or back with you.

Mine never left or asked me to leave after she dropped the bomb last April.

We have never stopped the physical part of our relationship, and seemed to be progressing a lot the past few months, but like you...never any feedback from her as to what was really going in her head.

Until last evening when I got the same old bs....this after 3 months without a word about the marriage, the current sitch and honestly, being about the closest and most relaxed we have ever been with each other.

I am thinking that things could not get any better...all that is missing is a few words from her that let me know we are on the right track. Sure I would like to hear them...but man...her actions are so positive, I can wait, right??

What did I get???....her feelings haven't changed....she still doesn't trust that I have changed...the old me is still too fresh in her mind....she loves me but.....sorry, but all I heard was blah, blah, blah.

I feel like counseling and some real communication between us would really help, but maybe I'm wrong. She was not interested in the beginning, and since there has never been any commitment from her to work on the marriage, it has not been brought up since.

No advice, man...just a "I hear you". At least your wife is telling you she is on board and feels like things are getting better. I have been running blind for months now, assuming things were getting better and she seems to still be on square one, ready, willing and able to end the R.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/29/08 08:27 PM
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango
Tim,

My response may not be popular but it's what I see. IMHO she is doing what she needs to do to keep the family on track. Seems to be her focus. And to be friends with you. I mean honestly, what goes on between the 2 of you could safely go on between 2 friends.

Your conversation with her leaves me with a feeling that she's playing a little dumb so the discussion will die there. But she's been doing that for a while.


Yes, she has been doing it for a long while and I am tired of it. I am glad we are friends but I want a W not a room mate.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

Good for you for putting the MC expectation out there. So it's safe to say she did not go to IC, yes?


I would say she did not go. She never responded to the MC and I did not ask about IC for her. Her silence and hesitation speaks vulomns.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

IMHO, again, I feel her children are very important to her and that's her main focus through all of this and has always been. I mean if living with you was so awful before why didn't she leave? (sorry for being so blunt here, but this all hits sore spots with me). Keep your children living with a man you fear? That's never made sense to me in all honesty.


Be as blunt as you want. Our children are her main focus and always have been. That is one of our issues. I love my kids and want the best for them but as I told her long ago, there will come a time when they are gone at it will be just us and if we don’t work on us there wont be anything there when they are gone. And here we are.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

I'm deleting more and more so that means time to shut my mouth.


You don’t need to worry about offending me, that’s quite impossible to do. Say what is on your mind about me or my W. Its all helps.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

It's MC or bust at this point. Unless she wakes up very soon and decides to treat you like a husband and not a room mate.

Whiskey



I’m still asking, she is still not going.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/29/08 08:27 PM
Originally Posted By: ndsmhelp
Tim
I don't think I am up on your sitch completely, but seem to remember some similarities with mine...at least as far as your WAW still being home with you...or back with you.

Mine never left or asked me to leave after she dropped the bomb last April.

We have never stopped the physical part of our relationship, and seemed to be progressing a lot the past few months, but like you...never any feedback from her as to what was really going in her head.

Until last evening when I got the same old bs....this after 3 months without a word about the marriage, the current sitch and honestly, being about the closest and most relaxed we have ever been with each other.

I am thinking that things could not get any better...all that is missing is a few words from her that let me know we are on the right track. Sure I would like to hear them...but man...her actions are so positive, I can wait, right??

What did I get???....her feelings haven't changed....she still doesn't trust that I have changed...the old me is still too fresh in her mind....she loves me but.....sorry, but all I heard was blah, blah, blah.

I feel like counseling and some real communication between us would really help, but maybe I'm wrong. She was not interested in the beginning, and since there has never been any commitment from her to work on the marriage, it has not been brought up since.

No advice, man...just a "I hear you". At least your wife is telling you she is on board and feels like things are getting better. I have been running blind for months now, assuming things were getting better and she seems to still be on square one, ready, willing and able to end the R.


NDS,

I understand completely and appreciate you chiming in. I just hate these game and the indecision on their part. It made complete sense at the beginning but after all these months its time to decide. Stay or go, work on it or end it, stop going along keeping the peace and seeing what happens. She knows what is happening she just does not want to commit fully, WHY?

Could it be a power thing, could it be that she still is not over the past. I don’t know but I really wish she would tell me or atleast go to MC.

Sorry your in the same boat as me, but if she is still with you and you are still being physical there has to be something there. What is preventing our W from taking that step and recommitting is beyond me but it is getting old quick.

Thanks for your input.

Tim
Posted By: ndsmhelp Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/29/08 08:57 PM
Quote:
NDS,

I understand completely and appreciate you chiming in. I just hate these game and the indecision on their part. It made complete sense at the beginning but after all these months its time to decide. Stay or go, work on it or end it, stop going along keeping the peace and seeing what happens. She knows what is happening she just does not want to commit fully, WHY?

Could it be a power thing, could it be that she still is not over the past. I don’t know but I really wish she would tell me or atleast go to MC.

Sorry your in the same boat as me, but if she is still with you and you are still being physical there has to be something there. What is preventing our W from taking that step and recommitting is beyond me but it is getting old quick.

Thanks for your input.

Tim


Mine pretty much told me what it was...lack of trust in me and my changes. Memories of what was and how I treated her.

Really nothing different than what she said after the first few weeks and each time she decided to give a reminder over the last 9 months.

What really bothered me this time was the fact that we had really just had such a great 2 or 3 months...there was still no communication, but her actions were undeniably positive, we were redecorating the living room together, spending money on new furniture, enjoying the holidays with friends and family..etc, etc. Also, as I have said, we have continued to be physically close all through this.

Recently it just felt as though it was going to be breakthrough time and we would be working together to get things on track. I was just trying to be patient, waiting for the words, because everything else seemed to coming into place.

She has the nerve to tell me I have been great these past months and loves me...never denied that she does...but would never tell me "I love you" because that would give me the impression that everything was "OK"...wtf?

How much more confusing can she make it?
Posted By: Bridgestone Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/29/08 10:39 PM
Hi Neil..
based on these 4 stages of DB'ing for reconciliation..
where would you say your R was when you started here?
Where is it now?

Stage 1: create a neutral/non-negative zone
(I've also seen this as -reduction of negative emotions- 'safe' comes to mind)
Stage 2: friendship
Stage 3: romance
Stage 4: reconciliation


Do you think you are making progress? Your wife said things were better, if you showed her this where do you think she would put things?

Hoping for new directions for your new year.
Hugs
Bridge
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 12:57 PM
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
I'm really not spinning Mike, I'm just tired of it dragging on and on. She says that it is getting better but that is her canned responce. And of course she thinks its getting better, its all about her needs right now. I see things improving but I guess I want more, I need more. A more physical sign that things are improving. I would take a simple ILU from her, something to indicate that we are moving more in a direction that I want it to move.

And maybe I am asking too much from her, I don't know. I just know what I am feeling and what I need. I am trying to give her what I think she wants/ needs but without input its hard to say I am giving her exactly what she needs. You know what I am saying.

I felt I needed to give it a kick start, a push in the direction I want it to go. I just hate this feeling I get after I bring stuff up and I should not have to feel this way but I do and what else can I do? Its not a now or never thing but more of a, I have done alot and put alot of myself out there for our M/R now I need you to kick in here and help out sort of thing.

Is it wrong of me to expect a little effort on her part if we are in fact "getting better" as she says. And she may be trying but not in a way that is apparent to me or helpful to me. I have change my aproach to meeting her wants and needs is it too much for her to do the same?

I did say this morning that I felt we were going around and around in a circle. She said at least we are in the same circle. Yea, Haw now we are two dogs chasing the same tail.

One last thing that is running through my mind. When does it turn from an individual effort to an I have done all I can alone, in order to suceeed we need to do this together deal. Because I feel that I am here.


never said you were spinning..I said don't let this get you spinning..

the way I see it you have two choices..

keep playing the game as you know it and hope that she has some sort of awakening..

or

tell her you're done and force her hand to do something one way or another..

not much else to do IMO..

I also wonder if her friend..the old high school boy is still in the picture at all??
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 01:14 PM
Tim,

Many good points coming from Mike.

Quote:
tell her you're done and force her hand to do something one way or another..


I actually think you are at this point. Negotiation. You are out of options and you need to find out what, if anything, she's willing to do.

I was thinking about the XH too, and I know you have been good not snooping and all that. But something ain't right with her.

Although frustrated, you sound calm. Stay strong. Do what you gotta do.

Whiskey
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 01:17 PM
Hi Bridge nice to see you back here.

My R is in the friendship stage. Has been for quite some time and its getting old. I understood her being cautious for the first six months or so into the friendship stage. I welcomed it and was glad we were there but now it is just frustrating. Being that close to someone and not being able to physically touch them, continually holding yourself back, waiting for them to come around is difficult.

I feel like she is just choosing the parts of being M that she wants and is totally disregarding the parts the I want. That’s not what I think being M is. Again I understood it had to be that way for a while for her to accept who I am now but what more do I have to do? How much more do I have to prove? Why is it like pulling teeth to get her to just go once to MC?

I want more out of my R then to be a room mate that helps with the cooking, cleaning, laundry, yardwork etc….. We have redone the landscaping, repainted our living room and we are going to do our family room and kitchen after the holiday. And we have bought a new couch and stuff for the living room. All this in the last year. Its called being M without any benefits and not how I want to live the rest of my life or even the next couple of months.

She seems fine with it, like what I want does not matter. Its called being selfish and self centered. I feel myself pulling away and I am not sure that it really matters anymore. I’m to the point where I am tired of putting forth all this effort and getting nothing in return. I hate this feeling but I hate the fact that she will not tell me how she is feeling and what she is thinking more. I see going to work as my refuge from dealing with it all. I almost prefer to be there than at home.

I know how this sounds, I have reread it over and over debating on whether I should post it or not but its how I am feeling at the moment. Maybe it is just a passing thing or maybe its time to change my approach and go cold. Last night when I got home her and my D were at the movies. When she got home she started to tell me about the movie and I could all but care less about what she was saying to me. I did not like that feeling either. I need to give myself a couple of days and then really think about my sitch and how I plan on proceeding from here without all these emotions getting in the way
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 03:13 PM
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango
Tim,

Many good points coming from Mike.

Quote:
tell her you're done and force her hand to do something one way or another..


I actually think you are at this point. Negotiation. You are out of options and you need to find out what, if anything, she's willing to do.

I was thinking about the XH too, and I know you have been good not snooping and all that. But something ain't right with her.

Although frustrated, you sound calm. Stay strong. Do what you gotta do.

Whiskey


hell I don't know..I'm a big fan of the 180..if it ain't working then do something just to see what the hell they do...maybe they get scared and snap out of it..maybe they say alright then..we just divorce..my advice..get your crap together and stuff straight for whatever their reaction is and deal with it..

what ever route you chose if your heads not where it needs to be and you're not emotionally centered then your pretty much screwed anyway..IMO
Posted By: ndsmhelp Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 05:39 PM
Quote:
She seems fine with it, like what I want does not matter. Its called being selfish and self centered. I feel myself pulling away and I am not sure that it really matters anymore. I’m to the point where I am tired of putting forth all this effort and getting nothing in return. I hate this feeling but I hate the fact that she will not tell me how she is feeling and what she is thinking more. I see going to work as my refuge from dealing with it all. I almost prefer to be there than at home.

I know how this sounds, I have reread it over and over debating on whether I should post it or not but its how I am feeling at the moment. Maybe it is just a passing thing or maybe its time to change my approach and go cold. Last night when I got home her and my D were at the movies. When she got home she started to tell me about the movie and I could all but care less about what she was saying to me. I did not like that feeling either. I need to give myself a couple of days and then really think about my sitch and how I plan on proceeding from here without all these emotions getting in the way


Man...did I write that, or did you? I'm getting the "benefits" and still came to feel this way...more so after her little reminder that nothing has changed the other night.

That's my quandary, also....after these last few months of some serious progression(IMO), do I just do a 180 and stop being that kind, loving husband...give her what she says she wants? Cut off all the closeness and go cold?

We have people coming over for New Year's Eve, and I am off today with the task of getting things started..clean up and some shopping... while she is at work. Having a hard time not being the old me and just blowing it off....let her take care of it all like she used to.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 06:17 PM
NDS,

Its ridiculous all this BS that they keep saying to us. I was thinking about what you had posted yesterday about all the stuff you have been doing with your W around the house as a couple. Things that M people do. It really struck a nerve with me and I was going to write this long post but decided not too. As I wrote in an earlier post I have been doing this also figuring that it is a 180 to just ignoring these things that will make the house look nicer and in return its something she has been saying needed done for a while. I feel they want the benefits of a husband but only to a certain extent.

I’m not asking for a lot, I really am not. All I want is some insight into her thoughts and feelings. All I want is the truth about what she wants and where she sees us going. I don’t want that fu**ing canned response of “take it one day at a time” or “Its getting better.” They are cop outs. I don’t necessarily need her to ML to me but give me some feed back. Some indication that she is working towards that stuff. Give me a branch to grab onto.

I know you are the same way. It seems so good but just not good enough. You feel that you are so close, that what you are doing is working but then they are like nope not yet. You like me need to do what you feel is right. I think my time is approaching fast for a final talk with her in which BS answers will not cut it. Its either commit or end this farce. I’m tired of having the worst of both worlds. I have the constraints of being M without the benefits of being loved but not the freedom of being single but being alone. I’m married, feel unloved and alone. Not what I signed up for.

Mike & Whiskey I have thought about the OM and if she is still talking to him. It goes away but does come back when I wonder why she is still so distant in the physical department and unwilling to commit. Grow the fu** up is all that comes to my mind.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 06:40 PM
Quote:
Mike & Whiskey I have thought about the OM and if she is still talking to him. It goes away but does come back when I wonder why she is still so distant in the physical department and unwilling to commit.


and that may just be your answer..and you know the drill there..get caught snooping..major setback, snoop and find something, major setback, snoop and find nothing, maybe a setback for you also..

but you'll know.

Limbo sucks..but also know some on here have been doing this for a long, long time..longer than a year..a few for a couple of years..

it's all about how strong, patient and emotionally centered you can keep yourself while they sort their crap out..
Posted By: ndsmhelp Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 06:53 PM
Quote:
I know you are the same way. It seems so good but just not good enough. You feel that you are so close, that what you are doing is working but then they are like nope not yet. You like me need to do what you feel is right. I think my time is approaching fast for a final talk with her in which BS answers will not cut it. Its either commit or end this farce. I’m tired of having the worst of both worlds. I have the constraints of being M without the benefits of being loved but not the freedom of being single but being alone. I’m married, feel unloved and alone. Not what I signed up for.


Tim
I have EVERYTHING at times EXCEPT the commitment.....how frustrating is that. When she gave the reminder the other night I was floored.

She never says she is willing to work or commit....never has..not once. She told me the other night "YOU are the one that said you don't need to be reminded about the separation".

Soooo...for months now, as we screwed, hugged, kissed, laughed and cried together, bought furniture and redecorated...she was saying to herself what?..."Hey, that's his problem, he told me not to remind him".
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 06:58 PM
I'm glad you post here. It's a way to get these thoughts out of your head, which IMHO is the best way to process them. If you don't feel you want to put it here, put it some place. A paper journal at work, a digital file on your work computer. Then read it the next day - I'm a firm believer that 24 hours can make a big difference in perception.

I didn't mention this before but it seems you were really disappointed that the Christmas gift you gave her went without comment or reaction. It sounds like you put a lot of thought in it. Been there and it can really slap you around.

Maybe it is time to pull back a bit. You are really working hard at this with little reward. I hope I say this in a way it makes sense. You've made a lot of changes. Which ones work for you? Make you happy, better than you were? Don't think about the R/M, think about you and the kids only. Keep those things. For a while, don't work so hard on trying to make her happy, trying to appeal to her. Give yourself a break and see if things go unnoticed. I'm concerned if you do a 180, she'll be able to justify to herself that your changes didn't stick. Does that make sense?
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 07:24 PM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Quote:
Mike & Whiskey I have thought about the OM and if she is still talking to him. It goes away but does come back when I wonder why she is still so distant in the physical department and unwilling to commit.


and that may just be your answer..and you know the drill there..get caught snooping..major setback, snoop and find something, major setback, snoop and find nothing, maybe a setback for you also..

but you'll know.


Yes, I know it could be. I also know I have not looked or mentioned it for over three months. But it is a catch 22 damned if I do damned if I don't.


Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

Limbo sucks..but also know some on here have been doing this for a long, long time..longer than a year..a few for a couple of years..

it's all about how strong, patient and emotionally centered you can keep yourself while they sort their crap out..


How long does it take to sort this chitt out is the problem. I feel like I am being used, taken advantage of. I have no problems continuing what I have been doing, doing my fair share or even the bulk of it for now but it takes two to tango and I have wants and needs also and the longer they go unmet the more I question my choice in fighting for this M.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 07:34 PM
Originally Posted By: ndsmhelp
Quote:
I know you are the same way. It seems so good but just not good enough. You feel that you are so close, that what you are doing is working but then they are like nope not yet. You like me need to do what you feel is right. I think my time is approaching fast for a final talk with her in which BS answers will not cut it. Its either commit or end this farce. I’m tired of having the worst of both worlds. I have the constraints of being M without the benefits of being loved but not the freedom of being single but being alone. I’m married, feel unloved and alone. Not what I signed up for.


Tim
I have EVERYTHING at times EXCEPT the commitment.....how frustrating is that. When she gave the reminder the other night I was floored.

She never says she is willing to work or commit....never has..not once. She told me the other night "YOU are the one that said you don't need to be reminded about the separation".

Soooo...for months now, as we screwed, hugged, kissed, laughed and cried together, bought furniture and redecorated...she was saying to herself what?..."Hey, that's his problem, he told me not to remind him".


Its like a game without rules or if there are rules we have no idea what they are. They show us positive signs and give us indications that things are improving but when asked for reassurance, or a commetment they act like a trapped animal. They shut down or attack you like your some kind of enemy. Again, I understood all this a year and a half ago when I had just started all this but if she does not belive my changes by now will she ever? It just all to damn frustrating.

It makes me question her and what is holding her back. Is it who I was, is it someone else or is it something she did that she is ashamed of? All great questions huh. Always more questions than answers.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 07:51 PM
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango


I didn't mention this before but it seems you were really disappointed that the Christmas gift you gave her went without comment or reaction. It sounds like you put a lot of thought in it. Been there and it can really slap you around.


I didn't expect her to jump up and down whooping and hollering but a wow, that is the best gift you ever gave me and a hug and kiss would have been nice. We were talking the Friday after Christmas about how she though our D was disappointed in her gifts. I told her its hard to tell she is like you and does not show much emotions. She said couldn't you tell I really liked my gift. I did not get a chance to answer because our S walked in before I could.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

Maybe it is time to pull back a bit. You are really working hard at this with little reward. I hope I say this in a way it makes sense. You've made a lot of changes. Which ones work for you? Make you happy, better than you were? Don't think about the R/M, think about you and the kids only. Keep those things. For a while, don't work so hard on trying to make her happy, trying to appeal to her. Give yourself a break and see if things go unnoticed. I'm concerned if you do a 180, she'll be able to justify to herself that your changes didn't stick. Does that make sense?


I have pulled away, I can feel myself doing it. I like all my changes. I don't know which ones she like or dislikes and don't really care. I like them and feel I am where I want to be and its who I am. I know there are things I still need to work on for me but again they have nothing to do with her.

The things I do for her are more to help her out and meet her needs, atleast the way I think she wants them to be met. Again without feed back I can't be sure it is exactly what she wants/needs. She always complained about me not helping around the house, having to ask me to do simple things, never putting any effort of thought into her gifts and several other things that I have change to make myself a better husband.

All I am asking for is the same consideration from her. Atleast I have told her what I want/ need. Atleast I am not making her play 20 questions to find out and atleast I am willing to go to C to improve our C skills. I'm a womens dream if you ask me. Not only do I do more than my share of the domestic stuff I'm willing to go to C and improve our C and anything else that would help improve our M/R.
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 08:01 PM
Quote:
The things I do for her are more to help her out and meet her needs, atleast the way I think she wants them to be met. Again without feed back I can't be sure it is exactly what she wants/needs.


That's the stuff I mean. Trying to do things that you think will meet her needs, but not getting feedback. You answered my poorly worded questions perfectly.

Quote:
I'm a womens dream if you ask me. Not only do I do more than my share of the domestic stuff I'm willing to go to C and improve our C and anything else that would help improve our M/R.


Agreed.
Posted By: JDOllie Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 08:20 PM
Distressed,
You have described W and I for TWO and a half years! I have supported her through many thing - I went to alot of counseling, focused on myself, got close with God, started being a better father, and so on. I started doing it for W, then realized I liked what I was doing, and finished up doing it for ME.

In the whole time, W has refused counseling, half-committed to being friends, used me - I have supported her financially, emotionally, in her schooling, and so on.

Stick with the changes that you like, but do it in a nice way. You can be distant, yet friendly. Smile and respond, but don't go out of your way.

I have been solid as a rock, consistent with almost zero change, been a perfect husband, and W still thinks I'm faking it after 2.5 years - I don't care. I know who I am, and what I've become, and if W can't see it, that's her issue.

She may never change her mind, and yours may not either, but that's not the concern - what do you want to be for YOURSELF?
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 08:36 PM
JonF, thanks for your advice and wow, 2-1/2 years and I thought I had a lot of patience.

I agree with being consistant and doing for yourself. I have been doing that for quite along time but the thought of being taken for a ride just irritates me. I see in you signature line that your W has OM and that really sucks, sorry about that. Nothing is more painful than a cheating spouse.

I will continue being nice but I am thinking that it is getting to be about that time to either commit or seperate. I don't mind putting in the effort and time to improve our R but I do not want to continue if it is a waste or my time and she is never going to commit to us. If that make sense.

Take care and I hope your patience pays off the way you want it to.

Tim
Posted By: JDOllie Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/30/08 09:45 PM
That's what it really boils down to - "commit or separate". I spent a whole day thinking about it - is it worth to continue trying? I decided, for me, it was.

6 months from now, I may feel differently, I don't know.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 11:33 AM
Quote:
How long does it take to sort this chitt out is the problem.


how long does it take to sort this chitt out?? Marriage chitt???

forever Tim...it takes forever..I've always said you can't put a time limit on this and lots of people disagree with me on that..I think the best you can hope for through all this is getting though the tough spots where only one person works..in hopes that that non working person will have some type epithany and snap out of whatever ails them..be it OM/OP/MLC/ABCD or what ever initial they want to hang on their craziness..

so if she decided to commit tomorrow..your asss would still have to work as hard as you are working now...if not harder..

so to me there is no time limit and as I've said over and over..you will know when you are done..your little voice will let you know
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 12:38 PM
This morning I still feel emotionally drained. She has absolutely no idea what she wants. Last night I worked late not getting home till almost 6pm. When I got home she had made dinner but I went upstairs and got changed when I came down she asked how my day was. I told her it was long and I was tired and really did not engage her much in conversation.

I talked to my son a little bit. After dinner I cleaned up the dishes and she then went for a walk with the neighbor ladies. When she got home she asked if I wanted to take the dog for a walk, I declined. She went upstairs and got changed and then came down and sat on the couch with me, right next to me. We did a little talking but I made my answers short and she touched my leg a couple of times while we watch tv. WTF is up with that BS.

I pull away and she comes after me but when I stop pulling away she takes a step back. I fu**ing hate games, I’m not in high school and I don’t need this chitt. Do it or don’t, commit or don’t, get close to me or don’t but this back and forth should I or shouldn’t I is ridiculous. I am nearing the end of my patience. I want to continue being with her, spending time with her but not without some sort of effort on her part. And not without some open honest communication about where we are, where we have been and where we are going. And I will be second fiddle to no one, I’m better than that and I deserve someone to give me their whole shelf and nothing short of that will do.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 01:01 PM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Quote:
How long does it take to sort this chitt out is the problem.


how long does it take to sort this chitt out?? Marriage chitt???

forever Tim...it takes forever..I've always said you can't put a time limit on this and lots of people disagree with me on that..I think the best you can hope for through all this is getting though the tough spots where only one person works..in hopes that that non working person will have some type epithany and snap out of whatever ails them..be it OM/OP/MLC/ABCD or what ever initial they want to hang on their craziness..

so if she decided to commit tomorrow..your asss would still have to work as hard as you are working now...if not harder..

so to me there is no time limit and as I've said over and over..you will know when you are done..your little voice will let you know



Your right Mike,

I know that I can never stop working but if she would commit then I would atleast feel that all the work I have done and all the work that I need to do is worth it. Its about sharing the work and the pleasure together, not equally because someone always has to be doing more but it is working together. I love my W and want to share the rest of my life with her but I need a little encouragement from her that we are moving in the right direction and that I am the only one in her life and that somewhere in the near future I can expect to not have to continue to control myself around her.

I want to be me without fear or hesitation. If I want to hug her or kiss her or ML to her I can and know that she wants me to do it and maybe even desires me to do it. I want to know that if I have a bad day of if I am feeling down and lonely that she will be there to pick me up or just give me a hug to let me know I'm not alone. Is that really too much to ask of the person I married? I think not.

I know that was not how we were in the past and I know it will be akward at first but its how I envision it to be.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 01:16 PM
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
This morning I still feel emotionally drained. She has absolutely no idea what she wants. Last night I worked late not getting home till almost 6pm. When I got home she had made dinner but I went upstairs and got changed when I came down she asked how my day was. I told her it was long and I was tired and really did not engage her much in conversation.

I talked to my son a little bit. After dinner I cleaned up the dishes and she then went for a walk with the neighbor ladies. When she got home she asked if I wanted to take the dog for a walk, I declined. She went upstairs and got changed and then came down and sat on the couch with me, right next to me. We did a little talking but I made my answers short and she touched my leg a couple of times while we watch tv. WTF is up with that BS.

I pull away and she comes after me but when I stop pulling away she takes a step back. I fu**ing hate games, I’m not in high school and I don’t need this chitt. Do it or don’t, commit or don’t, get close to me or don’t but this back and forth should I or shouldn’t I is ridiculous. I am nearing the end of my patience. I want to continue being with her, spending time with her but not without some sort of effort on her part. And not without some open honest communication about where we are, where we have been and where we are going. And I will be second fiddle to no one, I’m better than that and I deserve someone to give me their whole shelf and nothing short of that will do.


I'll be quite honest Tim and you won't like this...

you have NFC brother...

you and your sitch....tame compared to one I know about that is no longer posted about here...and the guy is still working like hell..and he gets weekly pull-backs...his W is there one minute, gone the next..he faces financial ruin(bankruptcy)..has been doing this for 1 year +...has lost almost all his possessions

games..brother..you don't know games...how would you like it if she had sex with you one week, then when dark on your assss the next?? maybe dark for weeks at a time?? maybe sweet as mollasses one minute and blaming it all on you the next..

he's in the alternate by the way if you ever want to hear from him..just let me know..Him and I talk almost every day..

remember how I said, "don't let that talk with her about where she is, get you spinning"...

got to stay emotionally centered brother..at all times..
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 01:18 PM
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Quote:
How long does it take to sort this chitt out is the problem.


how long does it take to sort this chitt out?? Marriage chitt???

forever Tim...it takes forever..I've always said you can't put a time limit on this and lots of people disagree with me on that..I think the best you can hope for through all this is getting though the tough spots where only one person works..in hopes that that non working person will have some type epithany and snap out of whatever ails them..be it OM/OP/MLC/ABCD or what ever initial they want to hang on their craziness..

so if she decided to commit tomorrow..your asss would still have to work as hard as you are working now...if not harder..

so to me there is no time limit and as I've said over and over..you will know when you are done..your little voice will let you know



Your right Mike,

I know that I can never stop working but if she would commit then I would atleast feel that all the work I have done and all the work that I need to do is worth it. Its about sharing the work and the pleasure together, not equally because someone always has to be doing more but it is working together. I love my W and want to share the rest of my life with her but I need a little encouragement from her that we are moving in the right direction and that I am the only one in her life and that somewhere in the near future I can expect to not have to continue to control myself around her.

I want to be me without fear or hesitation. If I want to hug her or kiss her or ML to her I can and know that she wants me to do it and maybe even desires me to do it. I want to know that if I have a bad day of if I am feeling down and lonely that she will be there to pick me up or just give me a hug to let me know I'm not alone. Is that really too much to ask of the person I married? I think not.

I know that was not how we were in the past and I know it will be akward at first but its how I envision it to be.


and it's also about one carrying the other when one can;t walk on their own..

maybe this is your time to carry Tim..maybe this is the only time you'll ever have to do it..maybe this is what true love is all about..
Posted By: Tomato Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 01:19 PM
hey mikey
Posted By: Tomato Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 01:21 PM
you must be talking about your's and my bro

za nebraskan wonderboy ..are ya?
Posted By: Tomato Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 01:22 PM
losing all the posessions was a tip off ..though I am sure there are others like that
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 01:23 PM
Quote:
She went upstairs and got changed and then came down and sat on the couch with me, right next to me. We did a little talking but I made my answers short and she touched my leg a couple of times while we watch tv. WTF is up with that BS.

I pull away and she comes after me but when I stop pulling away she takes a step back. I fu**ing hate games, I’m not in high school and I don’t need this chitt. Do it or don’t, commit or don’t, get close to me or don’t but this back and forth should I or shouldn’t I is ridiculous. I am nearing the end of my patience. I want to continue being with her, spending time with her but not without some sort of effort on her part. And not without some open honest communication about where we are, where we have been and where we are going. And I will be second fiddle to no one, I’m better than that and I deserve someone to give me their whole shelf and nothing short of that will do.


Has she always been able to put the R where it's comfortable for her? What happens if you recognize this opportunity and the next time she makes a move, you make the next one? Get a little closer.

You do deserve an equal partnership. When she does her small physical gestures, it reminds me of a pity f#ck. But, again, I have the feeling she's been running this R from the start. It's a hard adjustment when the other person wants to have some input. Control.

Quote:
I know that was not how we were in the past and I know it will be akward at first but its how I envision it to be.


How was it in the past? What's made you want to change the dynamic?

WT
Posted By: Tomato Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 01:28 PM
Originally Posted By: JonF
Distressed,
You have described W and I for TWO and a half years! I have supported her through many thing - I went to alot of counseling, focused on myself, got close with God, started being a better father, and so on. I started doing it for W, then realized I liked what I was doing, and finished up doing it for ME.

In the whole time, W has refused counseling, half-committed to being friends, used me - I have supported her financially, emotionally, in her schooling, and so on.

Stick with the changes that you like, but do it in a nice way. You can be distant, yet friendly. Smile and respond, but don't go out of your way.

I have been solid as a rock, consistent with almost zero change, been a perfect husband, and W still thinks I'm faking it after 2.5 years - I don't care. I know who I am, and what I've become, and if W can't see it, that's her issue.

She may never change her mind, and yours may not either, but that's not the concern - what do you want to be for YOURSELF?


cudos to you my friend. I'd like to think I am of the same sort of mold as you and when it comes to hanging tough with the Lord, I most definetely am.

That's a pick me up you provided. If there is more than one of us "getting a face kicked in " for the sanctity and love of M then ..I will not say that we or at least I am not cukoo but the company is always good ..LOL


T
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 01:46 PM
Quote:
What happens if you recognize this opportunity and the next time she makes a move, you make the next one? Get a little closer.


I agree here..what's she gonna do?? pull back maybe..do more of the same??

personally if she made a move of any type and I was in your shoes..I'd be moving back..

I'd make the attempt..and if it ended up a pity F**K then I'd keep myself emotionally centered and I'd take the pity F**k in the hopes that it may just spark something in her..

DB'ing is a fine line...cross the line one way and you're a doormat, cross the line the other and you're the best thing going today....then you have those husbands/wives that just sort of straddle that line...in limbo..

what sucks is you have to be prepared for the best while preparing for the worst while waiting...
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 01:58 PM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

I'll be quite honest Tim and you won't like this...

you have NFC brother...

you and your sitch....tame compared to one I know about that is no longer posted about here...and the guy is still working like hell..and he gets weekly pull-backs...his W is there one minute, gone the next..he faces financial ruin(bankruptcy)..has been doing this for 1 year +...has lost almost all his possessions

games..brother..you don't know games...how would you like it if she had sex with you one week, then when dark on your assss the next?? maybe dark for weeks at a time?? maybe sweet as mollasses one minute and blaming it all on you the next..

he's in the alternate by the way if you ever want to hear from him..just let me know..Him and I talk almost every day..

remember how I said, "don't let that talk with her about where she is, get you spinning"...

got to stay emotionally centered brother..at all times..


No offense taken and I really don't have a clue how bad it can be because I have read alot of peoples stiches here that amaze me at how cruel and insensative people can be. And I don't post much because sometimes I feel that I am whinning and my problems are minor compared to others. I don't know much about Racefans problems and what he is dealing with but I do hope for the best for everyone of us out there fighting the good fight.

I am feeling better now and more relaxed after posting and reading everybody's responces. Its why I knew I had to give myself time to process it all and why I posted all this stuff here. It allows me to think and read and not act on impuse which gets me in trouble. It allows me to clear my head and get it all out and then I can get myself recentered and back on course.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 02:22 PM
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

I'll be quite honest Tim and you won't like this...

you have NFC brother...

you and your sitch....tame compared to one I know about that is no longer posted about here...and the guy is still working like hell..and he gets weekly pull-backs...his W is there one minute, gone the next..he faces financial ruin(bankruptcy)..has been doing this for 1 year +...has lost almost all his possessions

games..brother..you don't know games...how would you like it if she had sex with you one week, then when dark on your assss the next?? maybe dark for weeks at a time?? maybe sweet as mollasses one minute and blaming it all on you the next..

he's in the alternate by the way if you ever want to hear from him..just let me know..Him and I talk almost every day..

remember how I said, "don't let that talk with her about where she is, get you spinning"...

got to stay emotionally centered brother..at all times..


No offense taken and I really don't have a clue how bad it can be because I have read alot of peoples stiches here that amaze me at how cruel and insensative people can be. And I don't post much because sometimes I feel that I am whinning and my problems are minor compared to others. I don't know much about Racefans problems and what he is dealing with but I do hope for the best for everyone of us out there fighting the good fight.

I am feeling better now and more relaxed after posting and reading everybody's responces. Its why I knew I had to give myself time to process it all and why I posted all this stuff here. It allows me to think and read and not act on impuse which gets me in trouble. It allows me to clear my head and get it all out and then I can get myself recentered and back on course.


ahhh my post may have been a little rough..

I'll say this..I thought my sitch sucked..I thought it was the worst ever..

my sitch and this last year has been awesome compared to one I know about..well I'll say 2...Sugar and Spice has had a bad one too..
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 02:36 PM
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

How was it in the past? What's made you want to change the dynamic?

WT


It sucked in the past. We were living two seperate lives in the same house. Neither of us wanted to leave the kids but neither of us were happy. No connection, no physical contact except the occasional sex which satisfied neither of us. We sat on seperate chairs while watching tv, slept facing away from each other, communication was nearly nonexistant except about the kids.

What changed, I changed, I finally grew up, got tired of being a miserable SOB, not in control of my emotions, blaming her for my unhappiness, expecting her to change so I would be happy. I read a book that described me to a tee and how I am in charge of me and how I was responsable for my own happiness and if I was unhappy that I was the only one to blame. It was a wake up call. I was turning 40 in a couple of months and hated my life, what I had become, what my M had become how I was just existing in this lifetime and not living my life. I wanted more, I deserved more and the only way to do it was to take control of my emotions, my happiness and most important my life and the direction it was going in.

I went to C by myself and worked on me. She gave me a book on anger management and the author must have been spying on me because it was all about how I was and I liked none of it. I accepted that my M was over and that more than likely we would get a D but I had to try. I had no expectations it was easier that way. But time has a way of changing ones perspective as things seemed to improve expectations started to creep in. I kept wanting more. I was getting more, more conversation, more smiles, she started sitting on the same couch as me, I started to get relaxed around her.

Then I found out about him and that set me back, added a whole new dimension to my sitch. She lied to me about stuff, I confronted her with the lies, she gave me more information but I knew it was not all of it. I came to this site found an outlet for my frustration and people who understand what I am going through and wanted to help.

I still have my issues and I continue to work on them but I want it all and her stopping short frustrates me and telling me that we were never like that irritates me. I don't care how we were, neither of us were happy with that M/R so why compare us to that if it isn't what either of us wants or needs. We have a shot a very rare shot to rebuild our M/R into something great, something staisfying for both of us. Why limit us, why look back when we should be looking forward. It seems so simple and yet she is making it so complex. That is what causes me so much confusion, see me and judge me for who I am now not who I was that is all I ask.

Sorry for the long answer to such a short question.

Tim
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 02:52 PM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

ahhh my post may have been a little rough..

I'll say this..I thought my sitch sucked..I thought it was the worst ever..

my sitch and this last year has been awesome compared to one I know about..well I'll say 2...Sugar and Spice has had a bad one too..


I need rough my head is thick and sometimes I need to be hit hard to get my attention.


Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Quote:
What happens if you recognize this opportunity and the next time she makes a move, you make the next one? Get a little closer.


I agree here..what's she gonna do?? pull back maybe..do more of the same??

personally if she made a move of any type and I was in your shoes..I'd be moving back..

I'd make the attempt..and if it ended up a pity F**K then I'd keep myself emotionally centered and I'd take the pity F**k in the hopes that it may just spark something in her..

DB'ing is a fine line...cross the line one way and you're a doormat, cross the line the other and you're the best thing going today....then you have those husbands/wives that just sort of straddle that line...in limbo..


I might of gotten a snuggle out of it but sex that would be a long shot. Even though I was tired and really wanted to go to bed I stayed there as long as I could feeling her close to me touching me. What can I say its my LL.



Confucius Says

Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

what sucks is you have to be prepared for the best while preparing for the worst while waiting...


Well lets not make it too difficult. And all the while keeping your expectations low.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 03:12 PM
Quote:
I need rough my head is thick and sometimes I need to be hit hard to get my attention.


right now I'm the only one allowed to be negative and wallow...and since I'm the only one allowed and you were sort acting like you wanted to I thought I might just take the opportunity to smack you back into reality abit.. ;\)

I've got bangdages and alcohol if you need the drinking kind

Quote:
I might of gotten a snuggle out of it but sex that would be a long shot.


ahhh Rub of the Green my friend...you really don't know for sure cause you did not persue..I know..I've been there..Kim did the same to me when she was playing nice..

I did come out and ask her for sex a few times during our discussions and even mentioned to her that it might evolke some old feelings in her..never happened..she sort of wavered abit a few times..but we never got anywhere..

Quote:
What can I say its my LL.


yep..I know that..that's a bitch LL in my opinion..in sitches like ours..hell ya frinkin starve..

Quote:
Confucius Says


that's funny..lets not go that far..lets call it a Mikism or something.
Posted By: Bridgestone Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 03:28 PM
Hi Tim...
I know what pissed me off early & had me pulling back is that my H wanted to be all the way to stage 4 without fully getting through Stage 3 or even 1, for me.

I needed (need) to go 'back' & clean out the cobwebs from the old junk.. I need to clean out the corners of the basement (be heard & understood about the things I was resentful for) before moving forward to shore up the foundation with friendship, romance & before reconiliation.

Neither of us was healthy enough to try to do stage 1 right... you understand my sitch enough to know why... we are getting there.

If your wife is not in IC, she may not be healthy enough to do stage 1 yet and still holding in some resentment of wanting to be validated for her feelings of 'what it was' to her. I see that she thinks things are getting better.. does that mean 'safe' to her?

I hear you wanting to just move forward, while she may need to still look back... WHY she needs to look back may be for a different reason than mine...it's not that I'm not willing to look forward, I just want to understand & be understood as best we can to prevent it from happening again.

Just my thoughts from my perspective with my H and needing safety first before working through those negative emotions especially the hard ones.

Hugs to you & happy new year!
Bridge
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 03:54 PM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
right now I'm the only one allowed to be negative and wallow...and since I'm the only one allowed and you were sort acting like you wanted to I thought I might just take the opportunity to smack you back into reality abit.. ;\)

I've got bangdages and alcohol if you need the drinking kind



I just got done reading through your last couple of days. Sorry for taking some of your steam.

As for normal I have to agree with Racefan it all depends on your perspective and who really wants to be normal. Normal is boring, it being like everyone else. Your too good for that, were all to good for that for what we have been through and what we have learned and became.

As for the drink, I could use one about now. between all the working I have been doing and the mental masterbation I need something to feel numb for a while, take the edge off so to speak.

Have a Happy New Year, and here's to a better '09 for all of us.
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 04:07 PM
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone

If your wife is not in IC, she may not be healthy enough to do stage 1 yet and still holding in some resentment of wanting to be validated for her feelings of 'what it was' to her. I see that she thinks things are getting better.. does that mean 'safe' to her?

I hear you wanting to just move forward, while she may need to still look back... WHY she needs to look back may be for a different reason than mine...it's not that I'm not willing to look forward, I just want to understand & be understood as best we can to prevent it from happening again.

Just my thoughts from my perspective with my H and needing safety first before working through those negative emotions especially the hard ones.

Hugs to you & happy new year!
Bridge


She told me she was going to go. She told me that I had moved forward while she stood still and she told me that she needs to make herself happy and that I can not do it. But I have no idea if she went and knowing her as I do she did not.

I have validated her feeling, told her I was sorry for all that I had done. Have proven to her many times in how I reacted to certain situations that I am not the same person I was. Things that use to upset me or send me over the edge have not. I take it all in stride and move on. Its who I am now, its who I want to be, its who I should of always of been.

I understand your reason for looking back and making sure. I never got P with her it was all emotional with me. I have changed that, I control that and most important I know what use to set me off and I avoid those things at all cost. Knowledge is power and I have that over myself because I know who I am now and what I was then.

I am so happy that things are improving for you and I hope it works out for the best. What ever that may be.

Take care and have a Happy New Year.

Tim
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 04:30 PM
Quote:
What changed, I changed, I finally grew up, got tired of being a miserable SOB, not in control of my emotions, blaming her for my unhappiness, expecting her to change so I would be happy.


At that time, what changes did you want her to make to make you happy?

Now, the R you describe that you want with your W sounds like a whole new ballgame. From what you post, you've never been as close and intimate as you want right now, yes? What's her LL?

Hope you have a great NYE and wishing you much happiness in 2009.

WT
Posted By: Distressed67 Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 08:23 PM
Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

At that time, what changes did you want her to make to make you happy?


I would like her to change the fact that everybody comes before me. The kids, her family, the house, her job and I get what is left and that usually boiled down to nothing.

Also I want more physical contact as I have stated here many times. I need her touch to know that she still cares. It sort of like telling a woman that you love them. They may know that you do but they need to hear it now and again.


Originally Posted By: whiskey.tango

Now, the R you describe that you want with your W sounds like a whole new ballgame. From what you post, you've never been as close and intimate as you want right now, yes? What's her LL?



That is correct we have not been an overly affectionate couple. But why can’t that change is my question.

Her LL are Words of Affection and Acts of Service. I have really done the Acts of Service but Words of Affection are harder. I do thank her for doing little things for me, tell her she looks nice, compliment her on being able to get so much accomplished and being so organized.

So I am trying really hard to meet her needs even though I am not exactly sure that is what she wants because she does not tell me. Then again she may not know herself
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: Doing what got me this far. - 12/31/08 08:39 PM
Quote:
I would like her to change the fact that everybody comes before me. The kids, her family, the house, her job and I get what is left and that usually boiled down to nothing.


OK, so that hasn't changed. From your previous post, I thought maybe you wanted changes that were different then as compared to now. I understand that you realized that to help her you needed to change the way you were - making you more approachable, happier.

Quote:
That is correct we have not been an overly affectionate couple. But why can’t that change is my question.


Is she affectionate with others? Is her family touchy feely? Some people just are not comfortable with physical touch. As you try to show her love by using her LL, I can hope she will be willing to meet you in the middle.

I just keep hearing from you that she won't talk about her feelings. She needs to let you in. Out of your control, I know and I'm just typing characters. You know all this. You're banging on a brick wall right now. She chooses not to let you in. And my gut feeling is, at this time, this is all she wants. She throws you a bone when she feels you may be annoyed, and slaps you right back into limbo. I am so frustrated that she won't go to C. It could all be sorted. I know it could.

WT
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