You are going to get through this too!!!! I know you will. We're all praying with you...hang in there. Just Monday the hairdresser (a total stranger) told you that amazing story about her life...God sent her as a messenger to you (and then you to me). He's telling you (us) to hang in there...He's working!!!!
Amy
Sis...
Stay strong girl, the Lord works in mysterious ways you have no idea what he has planned you can only follow his word and believe in him to bring you to a better place...
{{{SMW}}}
Bro
Good thing the shotgun ins at my mom's.
I'm gonna warp you here..
Joking or not..it's not good.
stop that please. If you are that bad then you pick up the phone.
You know we are here.
Ok Laura, We talked about this. We knew not to have too high of expectations. Dear God, please intercede and take this burden off of my dear friend. Give her strength and wisdom and the peace of knowing that you will bring her all her heart desires in your time.
Soften her H's heart and let him see the love that he is surrounded by. Let him find the burden of guilt to be too great and your will so strong that he can not spurn you in what you desire most.
PS: Its a good thing my shot gun is under lock and key. And its in my state. And I don't have a plane ticket to fly there. And my hunting license is expired. And, well, because I'm a darn good shot and don't want to waste the ammunition. You get the idea.
You are going to get through this too!!!! I know you will. We're all praying with you...hang in there. Just Monday the hairdresser (a total stranger) told you that amazing story about her life...God sent her as a messenger to you (and then you to me). He's telling you (us) to hang in there...He's working!!!!
Amy
I know he is Amy. H still has an "upset stomach and headache." Guilt must suck. He just left to go eat lunch at school with D8. Was nice and changed the registration on my car to the new address when he did his car. Wonder if he renewed it, too? I guess I should check that, huh? Oh, and his car--still registered to our address. That is the address he put on his driver's license when he renewed it, also.
SMW
Good thing the shotgun ins at my mom's.
I'm gonna warp you here..
Joking or not..it's not good.
stop that please. If you are that bad then you pick up the phone.
You know we are here.
Only picking it up if I can drive to MI with it.
SMW
SMW,
I know you are non-confrontational with him about the affair, but he has made a big mistake here. He should not be flaunting an affair in front of the children. He brought the bag into a child's room and left it open with the card visible. Does he think she cannot read? Why bother pretending he is visiting a "friend" when she can read the card and see that it is not a male friend but a woman in love? He should not be bringing his affair into your home.
Well, he is in between lunches with the girls, so now he is over at my mom's moving firewood for her. Just called to ask me where she needed it moved to. WTF????
He has not even spoken to my mom since May!! And all this cause I mentioned needig to go over to help her, since she hurt her back.
I am going to feed the boys before my brain explodes.
SMW
((((SMW)))), I only have a sec to post.
you're strong, amazing, wonderful woman and you WILL be fine. I know it. Yoiu can have my spider stomping shoes anytime, hon.
love,(((((HUGS)))))
SMW,
I know you are non-confrontational with him about the affair, but he has made a big mistake here. He should not be flaunting an affair in front of the children. He brought the bag into a child's room and left it open with the card visible. Does he think she cannot read? Why bother pretending he is visiting a "friend" when she can read the card and see that it is not a male friend but a woman in love? He should not be bringing his affair into your home.
Well, the bag is closed now. BUT this daughter is the one who snoops and sneaks. His stupidity is going to blow up in his face.
SMW
Ok so I am the only W here who has her shotgun still in the house? hmmm are ya'll trying to tell me something? lol!!
If he left his bag open and the card was in plain view, what was he thinking? Does he know she saw it? Did your D say anything about it?
She did not see it. He left it open after she left for school. I saw it sticking out of a magazine when I went in there to put something away. Anyway, it is put away and I am moving on. I need to figure out what to make for dinner. Maybe one of his favorites---hhmmmm or maybe nothing he likes.
SMW
See you are amazing! There is no way I would have put it back, I would have kept it and hid it and let him worry about where it was!
I was just thinking about dinner too, Its really chilly here today, so I want something warm and comforting.....got any ideas?
PS smack me with a board anyone, i know it would be wrong to take it, I just think I would have too. Bad BG I will go to the naughty corner now!
That idea was considered. I mean, how could he ask where it was, right???
SMW
Thats exactly what I was thinking! and I would enjoy watching him SQUIRM! I dont have that kind of opp. H would never bring anything like that back here. He keeps it hidden away at work in his desk somewhere........oh probably where he hid the pics of me, and only left the pics of the kids and him w/o me up.
That idea was considered. I mean, how could he ask where it was, right???
I'm assuming he would have been pretty frantic if it was missing.
forgive me but I can't remember..have you outed him about OW??
It seems to me he has it all at the moment. A family when he wants it..a place to stay, cooked meals, help with his job, help with everything.
He's got it made right now. No boundaries.
what's the next step girl??
M-
The next step is a prayer. My girlfriend has laid out the table for him and said Grace. He has to go the next step and she knows it. I expect that she knows how to use non-verbal communication as well as anybody.
Right now the choice and next steps are his. She is the ultimate DB Queen and I am humbled to even know her.
Yes he has it all right now. That isn't in dispute. Her goal is in sight. She won't push the next step.
And I give a might sigh of relief here and give it over to God.
Amen to that! I don't have Laura's faith, so I'm amazed by it. I think she had shown unconditional love in a way that has God smiling down on her. She told me this morning that she'll be reading Job today...that's just what we all need to be doing!!!
SMW, you hang in there. God will reward you for your efforts...maybe not in the time or the way you'd like, but in a way that will make everything you've done worthwhile! That much I know!!!
Amy
M-
The next step is a prayer. My girlfriend has laid out the table for him and said Grace. He has to go the next step and she knows it. I expect that she knows how to use non-verbal communication as well as anybody.
Right now the choice and next steps are his. She is the ultimate DB Queen and I am humbled to even know her.
Yes he has it all right now. That isn't in dispute. Her goal is in sight. She won't push the next step.
And I give a might sigh of relief here and give it over to God.
and your girlfriend knows why I asked the question too.
L knows me, she knows I'm not rocking the boat. Please don't assume that I am.
Hey I'm all for the God to touch his heart. I hope it happens.
She won't push the next step.
that's why I asked HER, what HER next step was?
Mike-
He and I got into it about her repeatedly through Feb. and March. Him ignoring the pain of our oldest over his affair was what made me finally ask him to leave. I have not discussed her with him, outside of counseling, since May, when he opted to ignore the kids for an entire week.
He leaves in less than a week. Rocking the boat and forcing a confrontation now, after him having just spent a week with her with no pressure or stress--at least as far as I know-- serves me no good. He will leave her with many memories of positives from thsi entire week. We are taking the kids, together, to an amusement park on Saturday. I will continue to display the unconditional love I have for him and make hoem the most attractive option.
He is struggling today. He looked near tears out back a bit ago. He is laying down now. I sat outside, across the picnic table from him, with my eyes closed--enjoying the warmth of the sun on my face and praying the entire time that God would remove teh scales from his eyes, soften his heart, adn convict him of his choices. When I opened my eyes once and looked over at him, I could see him fighting tears. After 15 years, I know that face for sure.
I can do this, I HAVE to do this. God has given me way to many signs. made His promise clear.
Thank you all for everything you are doing to support me right now. The prayers are the most important, as you all know, but just knowing you have my back helps, too!!
SMW
(((((((SuperMW)))))))
I think you are right, anything you do right now would work against you. I think your best chance is that he does some soul searching while he is gone. You have shown him that you can forgive him, but he is going to need time to believe that. And then he is going to need to forgive himeself. He'll also need to admit to himself that he has been wrong. That is a tough one. Maybe the hardest part. Pride is a real challenge. I'm sorry!
Mike-
He and I got into it about her repeatedly through Feb. and March. Him ignoring the pain of our oldest over his affair was what made me finally ask him to leave. I have not discussed her with him, outside of counseling, since May, when he opted to ignore the kids for an entire week.
He leaves in less than a week. Rocking the boat and forcing a confrontation now, after him having just spent a week with her with no pressure or stress--at least as far as I know-- serves me no good. He will leave her with many memories of positives from thsi entire week. We are taking the kids, together, to an amusement park on Saturday. I will continue to display the unconditional love I have for him and make hoem the most attractive option.
He is struggling today. He looked near tears out back a bit ago. He is laying down now. I sat outside, across the picnic table from him, with my eyes closed--enjoying the warmth of the sun on my face and praying the entire time that God would remove teh scales from his eyes, soften his heart, adn convict him of his choices. When I opened my eyes once and looked over at him, I could see him fighting tears. After 15 years, I know that face for sure.
I can do this, I HAVE to do this. God has given me way to many signs. made His promise clear.
Thank you all for everything you are doing to support me right now. The prayers are the most important, as you all know, but just knowing you have my back helps, too!!
SMW
hey that's all I wanted to know..
I was not advocating anything. I wondered where you where at.
now I know..
M-
The next step is a prayer. My girlfriend has laid out the table for him and said Grace. He has to go the next step and she knows it. I expect that she knows how to use non-verbal communication as well as anybody.
Right now the choice and next steps are his. She is the ultimate DB Queen and I am humbled to even know her.
Yes he has it all right now. That isn't in dispute. Her goal is in sight. She won't push the next step.
And I give a might sigh of relief here and give it over to God.
and your girlfriend knows why I asked the question too.
L knows me, she knows I'm not rocking the boat. Please don't assume that I am.
Hey I'm all for the God to touch his heart. I hope it happens.
She won't push the next step.
that's why I asked HER, what HER next step was?
Whoah, no assumptions or anything negative toward you at all M. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so brisk. (Maybe that's why I have M problems? LOL)
I was just worried about her losing focus. We are as impatient to see him take the step toward as she is to see it happen.
I apologize for the snap statements. I think the fighting back tears is a good thing. She is so amazing to me.
He will leave her with many memories of positives from thsi entire week.
you really don't know this. that is just an assumption.
IMHO, he didn't have a great time. that's why he's acting weird.
I'm glad to see you still fighting and still putting your faith in God. You are 100% right in what you have to do. don't change anything. well, except for the part about giving him a kiss before he leaves.
After he leaves, he won't be able to "cake-eat" because he'll be gone, and in my opinion, even though he's getting the best of both worlds-so they say- he's not thinking to himself, hahaha I have this W whos doing everything for me, and a mistress on the side, life is great! no, that is NOT what he is thinking. He's still in torment from the decisions he's made, and the decisions he needs to make. Remember, he has to break another R, which will cause more guilt, so it's not going to happen just like that.
okay, true, I am speculating also, but, I give myself that authority. hahaha
M-
The next step is a prayer. My girlfriend has laid out the table for him and said Grace. He has to go the next step and she knows it. I expect that she knows how to use non-verbal communication as well as anybody.
Right now the choice and next steps are his. She is the ultimate DB Queen and I am humbled to even know her.
Yes he has it all right now. That isn't in dispute. Her goal is in sight. She won't push the next step.
And I give a might sigh of relief here and give it over to God.
and your girlfriend knows why I asked the question too.
L knows me, she knows I'm not rocking the boat. Please don't assume that I am.
Hey I'm all for the God to touch his heart. I hope it happens.
She won't push the next step.
that's why I asked HER, what HER next step was?
Whoah, no assumptions or anything negative toward you at all M. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so brisk. (Maybe that's why I have M problems? LOL)
I was just worried about her losing focus. We are as impatient to see him take the step toward as she is to see it happen.
I apologize for the snap statements. I think the fighting back tears is a good thing. She is so amazing to me.
Kelly Jo, I will accept your apology.
I'm not going to explain why I asked the question. I'll tell SMW when I talk to her.
I took offense because you did the same thing to me on Arthur's thread some time back. I let that go. You swung some wood, I swung some back.
It was pretty simple and straight forward, everyone who is here knows me, they know how I'm wired, they know I'm straight forward, to the point and most of the time brutally honest.
and that is the way I am wired.
.. 2 questions I ask SMW. She answered both.
I'm good, hope your good. Hope SMW is good.
and by the way. She is amazing. She has DB'd her M to perfection.
SMW,
I got your message. I did not have your number in my cell so I was unable to return your call. I am home now.
You need to understand, this is not about what I approve or disapprove of. Your methods are your methods. Your living your sitch, I'm reading about it. I'm not in it.
This should be all about you. Db'ing is about you. Not him, not OW, not saving your M.
I'm behind you 100% whatever path you take.
You wanted a man's perspective then I will give you that straight up and to the point. You know me. I speak like I post.
You can ask Brian. He and I have talked a lot and I'm sure I've said things he did not want to hear.
Phones are on. I'll listen, I'll talk from my experiences but I won't tell you what your next step should be..
Only you know that.
[quote=SMW]
He will leave her with many memories of positives from thsi entire week.[/quote]
This Should have read " He will leave HERE with many positives of this entire week. NOT HER!!!you really don't know this. that is just an assumption.
IMHO, he didn't have a great time. that's why he's acting weird.
I'm glad to see you still fighting and still putting your faith in God. You are 100% right in what you have to do. don't change anything. well, except for the part about giving him a kiss before he leaves.
After he leaves, he won't be able to "cake-eat" because he'll be gone, and in my opinion, even though he's getting the best of both worlds-so they say- he's not thinking to himself, hahaha I have this W whos doing everything for me, and a mistress on the side, life is great! no, that is NOT what he is thinking. He's still in torment from the decisions he's made, and the decisions he needs to make. Remember, he has to break another R, which will cause more guilt, so it's not going to happen just like that.
okay, true, I am speculating also, but, I give myself that authority. hahaha
take what ever liberties you want, Crissy! LOl
He jsut went over my mom's to cut down a tree for her. Said he will be back soon for dinner.
I went and picked up a cake for him for his B'day. Got him a card, too.
It says:
For my Husband--
On your birthday, which would you prefer:
1. Sex
2. Cake
3. Card
On the inside it says:
Oh, I see you chose the card. Well, better luck next year.
I figure,when I give him the cake, I will say, well, two out of three ain't bad.
SMW
LOL i love the card! wish i had found that on H bday this past may!
you gave me hope, havent been in a church for years cept funerals and weddings. called a pastor today i know and trust, maybe god missing. hmmmmm idk
thank you my friend!!
For my Husband--
On your birthday, which would you prefer:
1. Sex
2. Cake
3. Card
On the inside it says:
Oh, I see you chose the card. Well, better luck next year.
I figure,when I give him the cake, I will say, well, two out of three ain't bad.
SMW
SMW - You are too funny!!!!!
Make sure you get a good picture of his face when you do it.
SMW...sounds perfect!!!! You can do this part too...I know you can!!!
Check in when you can/want to...I'm in for the night.
Amy
That is a GREAT card smw! so perfect! oMGosh!
oh, and noted on the "her" typo.... ooops! that's right, he will have GREAT positives from being with YOU YOU YOU!!!
I did not get to make the comment about the card. D8 beat me to the punch! LOL She said to him, "Look Daddy, you got cake too! Aren't you lucky?!? " D16 almost spit milk all over the table! Too funny!
I bought him a gift card for a hobby shop that he likes. H likes RC cars and planes. I used to get annoyed about his "toys", so my encouraging him using them is a big 180. I made sure that was stuck specifically in my card, so he knew it was from me.
The kids got him two cards--one funny, with Spongebob, the other more serious and sentimental--picked for the zingers contained within. It read:
For our Dad-
A great dad is just the right blend of strength, humor, and love.
A great dad knows when to step back, step in, or simply let a hug do the talking.
A great dad is there to celebrate life's good times and comfort during the hard times.
A great dad isn't about being perfect-he's about being sincere and honest and real.
Happy Birthday, Dad-and thanks for being one of the great ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I kow, I know, dirty, but you play with the cards you are dealt, right??? PUN intended!
No mysterious drives to the store that lasted an hour last night. Of course, he may have done that when he left my mom's, who knows.
He sat and watched the Legend of Bagger Vance with me last night before he went to bed. He is standing three training watches today. One from 7-9am, one from noon-2, and one from midnight to 2am. Says he will "be home" after the noon to 2 watch and then after the 2am watch. Wonder if he expects me to give him a key to get in, or just leave the door open?
Watching the weather. We may pull the kids out of school tomorrow to go to the amusement park, instead of Saturday, since we have a tropical storm/hurricane sneaking up on us.
I got up to make sure he was up this morning. I had to bite my tongue last night when he was talking about what time he had to get up. But, may be I should have said it. when he mentioned what time he was setting his alarm for, I said I would set mine a few minutes later to make sure he was up. He said thanks, he appreciated it. I wanted to say, " Of course, you could just sleep upstairs and we would only need one alarm."
KJo--When I was on the phone with you outside, he was hanging out in the garage by the door, like he was trying to hear what I was saying or who I was talking to. Let him wonder a bit.
Thanks everyone who checked on me yesterday and those that I spoke to on the phone. Ya'll are wonderful friends and I am so lucky to have ya'll in my corner!
Funniest phone conversation yesterday involved a twang and a drawl! I am not sure which one of us has a worse accent!!
I may be in later. I need to do some small things around the hosue and some laundry. I am also trying to get out of a class for next term--or at least into a different professor's class. I will definitely be in after he leaves for the base tonight.
SMW
Funniest phone conversation yesterday involved a twang and a drawl! I am not sure which one of us has a worse accent!!
I'm sure everyone will have trouble figuring that out...and I'll take that as a compliment..
I suck...lol
Whew, glad it was you...I try hard to hide my "twang and drawl." But, they do apparently both come out after a few tequila shots!!!
Amy (from Alabama)
Yes but did she place a take out order for Porkchops & Peaches?
Sis...
Things seem to be moving smoothly in your corner good on you. It will be interesting to see what H does about the 2 am. watch will he ask for the key or not kinda like the old gmae show Let's Make a Deal will it be door #1 or door #2. Wouldn't think it safe to just leave it unlocked...
Keep praying to the man above and follow his words
Bro
You know how much you care about someone when I check your thread before I go to my own. Yes, let the man wonder who you were talking to. Even if he doesn't think its OM, he will wonder what is up.
Whew, glad it was you...I try hard to hide my "twang and drawl." But, they do apparently both come out after a few tequila shots!!!
Amy (from Alabama)
maybe it's not me then..maybe it's you
Alabama or Auburn Amy??
I say Roll Tide!!
Whew, glad it was you...I try hard to hide my "twang and drawl." But, they do apparently both come out after a few tequila shots!!!
Amy (from Alabama)
Amy--
Your drawl and mine are darn near the same, but Mike has a definite twang! I was laughing when he answered the phone yesterday. Now see, my Jersey comes out after a few shots, and it is NOT pretty!
SMW
Funniest phone conversation yesterday involved a twang and a drawl! I am not sure which one of us has a worse accent!!
I'm sure everyone will have trouble figuring that out...and I'll take that as a compliment..
I suck...lol
Yes, it was you, and you darn well know it! LOL
You do not suck--you are great and keep me grounded.
SMW
Yes but did she place a take out order for Porkchops & Peaches?
Sis...
Things seem to be moving smoothly in your corner good on you. It will be interesting to see what H does about the 2 am. watch will he ask for the key or not kinda like the old gmae show Let's Make a Deal will it be door #1 or door #2. Wouldn't think it safe to just leave it unlocked...
Keep praying to the man above and follow his words
Bro
Yeah, the watch thing tonight could be interesting and have potential. Amy is inspiring me.
I am thinking, even if he does not ask for the key, I will definitely set a stage tonight and see if he bites on it. I will get ready for bed before he leaves (nightie or shortie pjs--dilemmas!), leave a message on his phone while he is on watch, and see if he bites on it when he gets home. If not, his loss, right?
Lots of prayers going up from Virginia and not just from Pat Robertson about the hurricane.
SMW
You know how much you care about someone when I check your thread before I go to my own. Yes, let the man wonder who you were talking to. Even if he doesn't think its OM, he will wonder what is up.
Even funnier was when I took off to the store right as he was going in the shower last night. I ran in the house, phone in hand, grabbed my purse, keys, and said I will be back as I headed out the front door. I was just going to get cigarettes and coffee creamer at the convenience store. BUT, I sat in my car and talked to a friend in the parking lot for about half an hour while I was there. I came back, and H was on the sofa with S2. Asked where I went--said to the store for creamer. He actually turned and looked at the clock. Too funny!
I am so touched that you check on me first! Thank you! I am power posting before I go pick up and do laundry. Going to put the boys outside for a bit, too, so they nap well again.
SMW
but Mike has a definite twang! I was laughing when he answered the phone yesterday. Now see, my Jersey comes out after a few shots,
So I'm on speed dial now??
Ya know me..I'm all about the comedy and fun.
I got news for you sister, the Jersey comes out without the shots. It's there, hiddden then out, hidden then out...lol
I appreciate the compliments you posted above..
at times I do suck...
and you keep yourself grounded. This is all you.
I'm one of many here to catch you when you fall, that's all I do.
One more suggestion since it appears you "are setting the table for him tonight". Most men think nighties are good..of course I can't speak for all men..maybe I should have said I think nighties are good?? It's really been too long..wrapped in newspaper would be good with me right now.
ahh it is what it is..
It's really been too long..wrapped in newspaper would be good with me right now.
Alright, now all I could think of was a fish market when I read this! OMG LMAO!!!
Well, glad to know the Jersey is still in there. I thought these damn Rebs had beat it out of me over the past 18 years!
SMW
ETA And yes, you are in the speed dial, all of you are. Ya'll rate higher than some members of my family!
This is for all the lovely women who post to my thread. You all have hearts of gold and I am so blessed to have you in my corner. One of my friends from college sent it to me.
BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN SISTER
By Maya Angelou
'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'
When I say ... 'I am a Christian' ......I'm not shouting 'I'm clean livin''
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'
When I say ... 'I am a Christian' .......I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say ... 'I am a Christian'......I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.
When I say.. 'I am a Christian' ........I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.
When I say ... 'I am a Christian' .......I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.
When I say ... 'I am a Christian' .......I still feel the sting of pain..
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.
When I say ... 'I am a Christian'.......I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!
Pretty is as Pretty does ... But beautiful is just plain beautiful!
SMW
DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!
How much more is going to get thrown at me?
H just called. He has to check in off of leave today and they may pull the ship out tomorrow, ahead of the storm. Because they cannot get everyone back on time, off of leave, they will pull back in, but may not let everyone off the boat.
I could not help myself and said, damn the kids are really getting shortchanged on spending time with you before you leave. H said he knew but there was nothing he could do about it. I said no, you are right, them changing the deployment date and the hurricane moving in are out of your control and I am not blaming you for that. It just seems so unfair that they lost out. I am pretty sure that he got my point, though.
Told me he will be home around 3 and we can talk to the kids together about the boat having to leave early.
This is sucking bad. I am feeling realyl down, but i know that this is just circumstances. God did not change the deployment date, teh Navy did. God did not send the hurricane, natural forces do. I am hoping though, with all the other storms and the fact that they are not coming close to shore right now, but will be in the ship's path, maybe they will go ahead and back the crusie date up. Wishful thinking, but MAN it would be nice.
I do see the positive--H called to tell me as soon as he found out, rather than dumping it on me when he got home this afternoon. He does sound genuinely bothered by the changes. I will workwith what I 've got and continue to pray.
Father, I know that these trials are not meant to punish but instead will merely serve to continue to build my strength and resolve. I thank you for having enough confidence in me to allow me these tests, knowing that I will come out on the other side, faith intact and stronger than before. While I am saddened by this turn events, I will continue to praise and glorify You for all that has been accomplished thus far and all that will come in the future. It is your Divine guidance that will bring me to full marital restoration, all in order to bring honor and praise to You and serve as a testimony of how powerful You are. I ask for the protection of these brave sailors as they depart on their journey, knowing that You, your Blessed Son Jesus, and the annointing of the Holy Spirit will watch over them and guide them safely home. I ask this all in tribute to the glory of You. Amen
SMW
((SMW)) I came right into your thread today first also, hoping to find you doing better! The first threads from where I left yesterday..it was so wonderful to see you joking and having fun! and of course its ya'll not me that has the accent lol! LOVE the card from the kids, I do the same thing lol!
I am so sorry about your H having to leave early!! Do you know when it will be definet? I do feel for your children, its so not fair to them. I admire you for the way you handled the news, and the way you thought it out....why it couldnt be left in anyones control, especially gods. you gave me alot of strength yesterday, in fact I called a church where a pastor works at that I used to wait on all the time, and really admired, its only about 5 minutes away, and I am going to meet with him, and start attending church again, for ME!
Hang in there sweetie, I am here all day if you need anything!!
Sis...
Breathe girl breathe...
None of this is in your control. Don't feel bad for venting to H it wasn't about you it was about the kids and he needs to hear that IMHO. You no the Navy you have lived it your entire life this types of changes should be nothing new to you.
Remember he called you first as you stated so that tells me he is doing ALOT of thinking about the family which is VERY GOOD!!
Always look for the baby steps he just took another...
Find a calm spot and stay your path say a prayer and then focus, it's gonna be okay trust in yourself and the man above us...
Bro
Wow! I'm still thinking that this may be a positive...no more eggshells this week for any of you...and a chance to get on with one of the things you do best...writing the letters and winning his heart through those!
I definitely think he got your point about the kids getting shortchanged, and I'm certain he's regretting at least some of his week last week (maybe all of it). I think that will bode well for your cause! Continue to be as upbeat and supportive as you can. I agree that it's okay to act disappointed...what wife wouldn't be. But, make sure you leave him with a smile on your face.
As for the nightie, I think there's still time...just after the kids go to bed. I don't know about anyone else, but I think he's not tried because of the guilt he feels and the possibility that you might just be soooo disgusted with him that you wouldn't be receptive.
My friend told me just this morning, that people expect others to act a certain way based on their own limitations. For example, she believes that my H won't even try to come back until I convince him (through actions mind you) that I could forgive him. In his (limited) view of the world, he's committed the unforgivable sin, and he can't imagine that I could ever get over it. He can't understand that I'm not the same person he is, and that God will help me "get over it."
There's some truth in those words. I think you should at least open the door for your H on the physical side...that way he'll know you are open to it, and that will give him more to think about while he's away. If he doesn't bite, that's okay...it's not about you, it's about him! But, remember, they don't necessarily take hints sooo good...you might have to be quite forward!
Keep on keeping on...it's what you do best and what inspires the rest of us!!!
Amy
p.s. By the way, M, I'm a War Eagle all the way!!! In fact, my mom and dad still live in Auburn! Sorry!!!
((SMW)) I came right into your thread today first also, hoping to find you doing better! The first threads from where I left yesterday..it was so wonderful to see you joking and having fun! and of course its ya'll not me that has the accent lol! LOVE the card from the kids, I do the same thing lol!
I am so sorry about your H having to leave early!! Do you know when it will be definet? I do feel for your children, its so not fair to them. I admire you for the way you handled the news, and the way you thought it out....why it couldnt be left in anyones control, especially gods. you gave me alot of strength yesterday, in fact I called a church where a pastor works at that I used to wait on all the time, and really admired, its only about 5 minutes away, and I am going to meet with him, and start attending church again, for ME!
Hang in there sweetie, I am here all day if you need anything!!
BG--
So glad you called the pastor. I know you will find more out about yourself thorugh this process. You are a strong woman, youjust need to believe in your own strength. When I first read your story, I thought of this song:
toughI will weather through the early departure. I am a Navy wife and used to it. Doesn't make it suck any less, jsut makes me better able to handle it.
SMW
Lord I ask you to consider my entreaty for my sister. Lord, if it is your will, let this be the very day that the scales fall from the eyes of your son and he looks at his beautiful children and his beautiful wife that loves him unconditionally despite his many mistakes and missteps.
Lord, if this is not your plan for today, then let this be the day that he cements in his mind just how much he has at stake and makes him want to work toward that point. Let him reach out and hold this woman in his arms and feel the love that only she can offer.
I ask this Lord, in your name, for all glory and exultation to you and for your view of marriage as the sanctified relationship of two becoming one. What God has joined together, let no man tear it asunder.
Amen.
Now, Laura, go find the sexiest baby doll nightie you have and be sure he sees you in it. Just look at him very quietly and with love. And then pray. I am.
Sis...
Breathe girl breathe...
None of this is in your control. Don't feel bad for venting to H it wasn't about you it was about the kids and he needs to hear that IMHO. You no the Navy you have lived it your entire life this types of changes should be nothing new to you.
Remember he called you first as you stated so that tells me he is doing ALOT of thinking about the family which is VERY GOOD!!
Always look for the baby steps he just took another...
Find a calm spot and stay your path say a prayer and then focus, it's gonna be okay trust in yourself and the man above us...
Bro
Bro--
No, I am good and thanks for the support. I am breathing and calm, just upset. I would have been upset even if things were good between us. Part of being a Navy wife and I am good at that.
He is thinking and will do a lot more under the circumstances.
Sis
Wow! I'm still thinking that this may be a positive...no more eggshells this week for any of you...and a chance to get on with one of the things you do best...writing the letters and winning his heart through those!
I definitely think he got your point about the kids getting shortchanged, and I'm certain he's regretting at least some of his week last week (maybe all of it). I think that will bode well for your cause! Continue to be as upbeat and supportive as you can. I agree that it's okay to act disappointed...what wife wouldn't be. But, make sure you leave him with a smile on your face.
As for the nightie, I think there's still time...just after the kids go to bed. I don't know about anyone else, but I think he's not tried because of the guilt he feels and the possibility that you might just be soooo disgusted with him that you wouldn't be receptive.
My friend told me just this morning, that people expect others to act a certain way based on their own limitations. For example, she believes that my H won't even try to come back until I convince him (through actions mind you) that I could forgive him. In his (limited) view of the world, he's committed the unforgivable sin, and he can't imagine that I could ever get over it. He can't understand that I'm not the same person he is, and that God will help me "get over it."
There's some truth in those words. I think you should at least open the door for your H on the physical side...that way he'll know you are open to it, and that will give him more to think about while he's away. If he doesn't bite, that's okay...it's not about you, it's about him! But, remember, they don't necessarily take hints sooo good...you might have to be quite forward!
Keep on keeping on...it's what you do best and what inspires the rest of us!!!
Amy
p.s. By the way, M, I'm a War Eagle all the way!!! In fact, my mom and dad still live in Auburn! Sorry!!!
Amy, my little sister (and I like you better than the biological one!)
I am going with the plan--woest he can do is say no and get on the boat, right--well heck he was getting on the boat anyway! The door will be open for him to step through.
The letter is not done, so will be the first thing he gets in the mail--along with a care package of his favorite treats. If I am really lucky, the ship will pull back in and I wil lbe able to hand him that stuff before he leaves.
SMW
Lord I ask you to consider my entreaty for my sister. Lord, if it is your will, let this be the very day that the scales fall from the eyes of your son and he looks at his beautiful children and his beautiful wife that loves him unconditionally despite his many mistakes and missteps.
Lord, if this is not your plan for today, then let this be the day that he cements in his mind just how much he has at stake and makes him want to work toward that point. Let him reach out and hold this woman in his arms and feel the love that only she can offer.
I ask this Lord, in your name, for all glory and exultation to you and for your view of marriage as the sanctified relationship of two becoming one. What God has joined together, let no man tear it asunder.
Amen.
Now, Laura, go find the sexiest baby doll nightie you have and be sure he sees you in it. Just look at him very quietly and with love. And then pray. I am.
KellyJo that is beautiful--thank you so much. Now I need to go fix my make-up, but it was worth it.
Nightie is taken care of. Prayers are unceasing.
SMW
I have to look up that book my h has. It would be a good one to send him in a care package.
You go, girl. I don't know a sailor that wants to ship out without any kind of loving. Not sure what will happen tonight, but I know what I am praying for to happen.
God is good.
(((SMW)))
Just dropping in with a hug! I'm sorry about the lost time with him, but agree that it might end up being positive (at least, a little bit).
(((((SuperMW))))))
I hope things end up going ok in the next few days.....
And that you don't get too much rain and wind!
AAARRRGGHHHH I am so going to beat my D16! I called to find out why she was not home from school yet. She is hanging out with a F and F's BF. Told her the sitch with deployment and basically, got "so what I have plans."
I told her that was fine, if she wantedto be a brat, so be it. She is the one that will have to live with her decision if her dad cannot get off the ship when it pulls back in after the storm.
SMW
I agree. You can't force her to be there. It may even be good if she isn't there with a bad attitude. I know that sounds bad, but it could be worse. She could be there and tell him off like my S did with his Father and you would have an awful evening.
Sorry, girl.
Yeah--
I got "Well, if he wanted to spend time with us that bad, he should stayed home last week." So you are probably right that it is better she is not home. It jsut irks me that she shows so little respect. This is her stepfather--he has provided for her since she was 2!--when her real father would not. H has NEVER treated her any differently than he has the other kids. Plucks my nerves that she is so rude sometimes.
SMW
hey, sorry to hear about the earlier departure. that does suck.
I think it's best that your d16 not be there either, if she'll have a bad attitude. Plus, it might also get him thinking why she wouldn't be there. you do reap what you sow.
can't wait to hear if the nightie thing worked out or not. don't let it get you down if it doesnt, it might be too much to handle for him all at once like that.
and not matter what the reaction (unless it's really bad, but I'd have to hear it first) you better land that sensual kiss on him before he heads off. They may reject you, but it doesn't mean they don't WANT it.
(((SMW))) reading along, & hoping for the best !! You're a sweetie, & deserve a break here !
Hugs
If you aren't already, please be praying for SMW tonight! She needs a little extra help tonight, and I'm sure she'll be in tomorrow morning to fill us all in on her sitch!
Amy
Amen.
God will use it for good. Your sweet heart and compassion will shine through, your love will comfort him in this strife and stress.
Love will prevail. Amen.
(if you want, check out hoosiermama's thread and join us tomorrow. I will keep you in mind as well)
smv...just sayin i'mthinking about you.....stay strong girlie..
I left my house for two hours last night to pray and seek comfort from friends, as I was so sad about the changes in H's deployment schedule and the fact that my best friend is leaving and I felt like I could not be sad in my own home about him leaving. I knew that I was not ready to pursue ML with him--I am unable to achieve detachment for that area of my marriage.
My husband actually slept in our bed last night. When I came back home, D8 was trying to sleep on the sofa because she said her Daddy's alarm always wakes her up. I wnrt into H and asked what time we had to be up to head to the pier. When he told me 3:15, I suggested he sleep upstairs so that D8 could get some sleep in her own bed. I told him I would sleep on the sofa.
When he came upstairs, I was grabbing my nighclothes, my bible and devotionals, a pillow, my stuffed dog(H gave him to me to comfort me when he was gone, years ago) and my blanket. H asked where I was going, I told him to the sofa, so that neither of us would be uncomfortable. He seemed shocked, but did not stop me. I will be honest, I laid out there and prayed he would come and tell me to come into bed with him. I did not want to push things, I wanted it to be HIS choice, not my forcing him to accept it. He did not, but I do not think either of us slept much last night. I heard him tossing and turning all night and he got up several times.
This morning, I drove him to the pier and knew it was still not the right time for him to hear all that was on my heart. Amy, it was not right, and like we talked about last night, I would know if it was the right time. I am going to finish the letter today, in between prayers. It WILL be said, though, before he leaves for deployment, and the letter will merely serve to reinforce it. As I will tell him, it is for those times he ever doubts whether or not I can or have forgiven him and he is unable to get that reassurance directly from me.
He hugged me pierside, told me he would see me in a couple of days, and headed to the ship. I cried and prayed all the way home. God is working, now i need to show Him that I am, too.
sg--
Thank you for telling me about HM's thread. I am in with you guys. For those of you who are interested, HM has proposed a day of fasting and prayer today. With the current situation in my marriage, I am feeling a need to step things up a bit--to push the envelope, so to speak. If you decide to join us, wonderful! Know that there are always people whom I pray for specifically and I will continue that today.
Here is the prayer I posted on HM's thread:
Holy Father, we exalt you and recognize your authority over all in the seen and unseen world. We know the promise You have given us and understand that our trials are merely for a season, but the glory of your Word lives forever. It is on the authority that you have given us, through the sanctified blood of Your son Jesus, that we come to you this day in fast and prayer. We beseech you to look favorably upon your children that are gathered together globally, praying in unison for healing and restoration.
Because we fully realize that we can not enter into battle alone, we entreat you to stand with us, as you did with Nehemiah at the walls of Jerusalem. Much like the faithful there, we too are builders for the body of Christ, builders of faith in a broken world. We pray, as Nehemiah did:
"Hear us O God, for we are despised. Turn their insults back on their own heads. Give them over as plunder in a land of captivity. Do not cover up their guilt or blot out their sins from Your sight, for they have thrown insults in the face of the builders." Neh. 4:4,5
We ask that you convict our spouses and the OP in our marriages. Convict them of the sin they do against you and the covenant promise that was shared at the altar when our marriage vows were made. Draw back the scales from their eyes and open their ears. Allow them to see, hear, and understand the full magnitude of the sinful life they choose over Your will, Father. May you move swiftly within their hearts and minds, and allowing the hedge of thorns to be come impenetrable between them and around the families that are being attacked. We praise you in advance of your Grace, knowing full well that with you all things are possible. May our mustard seed faith be enough to move this mountain of adultery and sin, casting it forever into the oceans of Hell and back upon its evil master, to trouble our hearts and lives no more. We ask this in the name of your Risen Son, Jesus Christ, Amen.
SMW
Love you too, Amy! Thank you for being there for me last night.
Laura
((smw)) oh sweetie!! wish I was there so you could cry, yell or just give you a hug. I am amazed at how you handled yourself and the whole thing. I am there with you in spirit, and wish I cuold do something to help, I am holding you close in heart and prayers right now.
love ya
BG
(((((smw)))))
Don't really have any wise words. Just know I am thinking about you and hoping H snaps out of it. Stay strong.
{{{{BG}}}}}
Thank you. We are not even sure if they have pulled the ship out or not. No one is releasing an info. All of the ships were being readied for departure this morning, though.
I did plent of crying last night and this morning. I am wrung out for now. I am praying in cycles today with everyone on HM's thread. Know that you are also included in my prayers.
SMW
(((((smw)))))
Don't really have any wise words. Just know I am thinking about you and hoping H snaps out of it. Stay strong.
{{{{{G}}}}}
I am a strong, confident sister of Christ and know that God will provide. I know H will snap out of it, I would just prefer it sooner than later, before he has even more bad choices to regret. I am so happy for you and your W. Hope to see pics of that piece of property in the alternative universe, as well as the house as you build your new life together.
SMW
Thank you for your prayers SMW. It breaks my heart that ya'll wont and dont know about pulling the ship out. Can he call you? Sometimes crying helps me release for myself a little. How are the kiddos doing?
As far as I know, the phone lines have already been pulled. We will just have to wait and see. As of an hour and a half ago, the ship was still pierside, according to another spouse. I have a friend who is an ombudsman, so she is trying to see what she can find out.
The kids are good. The girls think it is cool that Daddy gets to ride the hurricane waves on the big grey boat! No thank you!
SMW
I am so glad at least someone can check for you! I didnt know if they were allowed cell phones or anything like that. OMG I know I couldnt be on that boat during a hurricane! I so would puke! We are still getting rain from Gustav here in ks, I cant imagine ya'll living where they actually happen! I will stick with our tornados anyday lol!
I hope my DB book would come today, but now H is here, that might be interesting to explain!!
Bg--
H is on an aircraft carrier. Do you know how big those things are?? They are literally floating cities. Here is a picture of one.
CVN75 USS Harry S. Truman The thought that it could actually be rocked in a hurricane terrifies me!
We still do not know anything. Oh well. they will tell us what they can, when they can. I am not the Chief of Naval Operations, so I guess I am not on the "need to know" list!
The hurricanes do not really phase me.
make sure H does NOT see the book!
SMW
In due time sister, in due time. God will provide.
Hey Sis...
I'm sorry things didn't quite workout last night, don't let it get you frustrated it's just another step the Good Lord is wanting you too take. IMHO the way you handled it was right even though it crushed your heart {{{HUGS}}}.
I hope you hear something soon on the deployment and as usual will keep you and your family in my prayers....
Your gonna be okay faith will move mountains...
Bro
Okay, the ship is still at the pier. Now they are saying they may not pull them out, but they are not letting anyone off the boat right now, either, in case they change their mind.
Courtesy of them making H check in off of leave yesterday, he will now have to report for duty tomorrow, making him spend all day tomorrow, his technically last full day in port, on the ship. He is NOT going to be a happy man!!
I hope they make a decision soon, though, so if possible they can get off the boat for dinner.
SMW
((SMW))
Sorry for such a tough week! Hang in there. Hope dinner works out, at least.
In due time sister, in due time. God will provide.
I am good, KellyJo, honest.
God always provides and I can wait and be faithful.
SMW
Hey Sis...
I'm sorry things didn't quite workout last night, don't let it get you frustrated it's just another step the Good Lord is wanting you too take. IMHO the way you handled it was right even though it crushed your heart {{{HUGS}}}.
I hope you hear something soon on the deployment and as usual will keep you and your family in my prayers....
Your gonna be okay faith will move mountains...
Bro
Hi Bro! When are you going to start a new thread?
Things will work out when they can and I know that. If H sleeps upstairs again, though, I am not sleeping on the sofa. No expectations, but I do not like not sleeping in my bed.
We are thinking things may be back on track for a Mondat deployment. We will know something by tonight, hopefully.
I know it will, and I have a bit more faith than a mustard seed--at least most days I do.
Sis
sorry about him being gone possibly even more. Whatever happens, God's got it planned out perfectly!
on the sleeping sitch, for some reason, my feelings are for you and H NOT to ML yet. I think you kissing him is all that needs to be, and it gives you the chance to be forward, and it's not a huge leap like ML would be. and I agree, that it would be fine for you to allow HIM to be the one to ML or not. But I think it can be YOU to initiate the physical stuff to begin with to let him know with actions that you are okay with it and you want him in that way.
on telling him about your forgiveness. I did this too with my H. I think if you just write him the letter about it, that it would be all that you need. but if you really feel God leading you to say something orally, than let the spirit lead. .
I am not even checking the mail with him home. I just hope the mailman leaves it out there and not as he did yesterday, to the door.
I really hope he gets to get off and see you one more time, and the children. OMG that boat is huge, I can see why you call it a floating city!
Ya know one thing I wont give up is my bed, 2 of my children go back and forth, so he can sleep in S's bed, the couch or the RV, I am to old and sore to not sleep in my bed! its all up to him where he goes, and when, not to say i dont cry when he doesnt come in, but i am not giving up my bed!
hugs to you dear friend, lots of love and prayers to you!
I think sleeping in the same bed is a start. Be there, hold him and see where it goes.
Thanks for all ya'll's input on the sleeping arrangements. We will see what happens.
They have just called liberty on the ship--except if you are duty section today or tomorrow. However, leave period does not expire until 7:30 Sunday. I ahve not heard from H yet, so do not know if he is now considered off leave and therefore stuck on the ship, or if he is back on leave and able to leave.! UUUGGGHHHHH
Will let ya'll know what is going on.
SMW
Ahhhh Hugs Sweetie!!! Maybe H will let you know soon!! just maybe if he gets to come off the ship, after last nite, he will truly have done some thinking! Just a thought of course!!
Hugs!
My favorite sailor just called. They are letting him off the ship, reinstated his leave, and he does not have to check in until Monday morning now!!
I am on my way to the pier, as soon as I fix my makeup and powder my poor, red, sick nose!
SMW
Good luck! We're rooting for you, and I'll be around if you need me!!!
Amy
ah sweetie i am so happy for you!!! maybe last nite was a test you passed, tonite could be different!! Just know you arent alone, we love you and are with you, and just in case, tell us and kick us out so we dont interfere just in case! I am praying for you my friend!!!
(((((((SuperMW)))))))
I've been watching "Carrier" on PBS most nights this week.... what a life! Last night was returning, such a variety of reactions. I have to tell you, I appreciate what you do! (I guess with a son in Africa since March I'd have to say the same thing about myself! It just doesn't seem real to me!)
good on you SMW..Hope things work out tonight.
Hey "Hon" ,You are owed a long overdue hello and a special blessing because you are special. I have missed ya. I will get around to catching up with your recent happenings real soon. It is getting late. Keep making the Lord smile as he does so often because you are a special child of His. Good night and have a splendid w/e. Talk to you soon. God bless you and the family
Hey Sis...
I'm happy to hear the good news and hope things go well for you tonight...good on you girl you are awesome!!!
Bro
that is wonderful!!!
and if you've got a cold....eat less, get yourself some real lemons and drink lemon water all day. I can always get rid of a cold in 2 days that way.
Last night was quiet. H was wiped out when he got home. The "genuines" had tasked him and another selectee with a something and when they did not go about it the "right way", they were reemed up one side and down the otehr for the better part of two hours.
H said he took away the pertinients from it, but i could tell he was really bothered by it. Then, to finish up the tasking, he had to call some of the 'genuines" last night to gather more info from them. The one call he was dreading making turned out to be the most productive. The Chief spoke to him on the phone for over an hour and offered a lot of valuable information, as well as made sure H knew he could always contact her in the future, if he needed help. That is what the gist of this boils down to--the selectees have not learned how to think like Chiefs yet and pinning is only 11 days away. They have not learned to work together and within the Chief's Mess to get the things done that they need to get done. I thik that having half of them on leave at any given time has not helped that, either.
H and I were watching 300 and H fell asleep on the ofa. Around 12:30am, I got up, took all the cups abd glasses upstairs to wash them, changed into my nightie, took D5 potty, and came back downstairs to wake H up. He never fully woke up, but I got his atention enough totell him that I was going to bed, he was welcome to sleep upstairs if he wanted to. He ended up sleeping on the sofa until around 6.
I heard some noise and got up to see if the kids were all right. It was H, making himself a cup of coffee. Said he was going t otry to go back to sleep for abit. I did not offer the bed again, but wiil tonight. Especially sinc,e when we both got up again this morning, H mentioned about tossing and turning when he laid back down.
The girls have asked H to go to church tomorrow so that Pastor can pray for his safety during deployment. H is consdiering it. Please, ya'll, pray that he will go to church with us tomorrow! While it may not bring a breakthrough, I think it would be good.
For those who have followed me for a while, I finally opened my Valentine's Day present. It made me happy and sad at the same time. H had bought me two long step Dove roses, a bottle of Champagne Bubble Bath, and there was a cute card with a bag of M&M's inside. The card was addressed in my pet name and signed in his. The last phrase on the card reads--
But though I seem to have my faults, you must admit I shine when it comes to loving that terrific wife of mine.
It made me cry, to be honest. When he gets home, though, I am going to walk up to him, give him a hug and a kiss, and thank him for it.
The inlaws will be over this evening, too. They drove up from OBX to see H before he leaves. Less than 48 hours to go.
I am praying unceasingly for somethng, anything to happen that shows some type of hope to carry me through the cruise. I will keep being me.
I have written the letter for him. I need to type it in a word doc, and see if it is all the way I want it. I will post it tonight if I get a chance. SG, I will notify you when I do, and those who I know in the alternate universe I will email so you will know to come look ASAP, since we are on limited time here.
SMW
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<waving to everyone who dropped by to check on me!
Smooches all!
SMW
Here is the letter:
H—
Another deployment. I was thinking about how lucky we have been thus far. We have been married almost 14 years and this is will only be our third full cruise. Not too many Navy couples can say that! I should count my blessings, and I honestly do, but I still always miss you so much when you are away.
We have seven months ahead of us. It s seems like so much time. I will be spending it thinking, reflecting, maturing. Now that I am attending church again and have given my life over to God, I see so many areas where I have made mistakes in my life, areas that ultimately affected us and our relationship. The biggest one was having my priorities straight from the beginning. God first, then you, then the kids and then the rest of life. It is the way it is supposed to be and I failed to do so. Now that I have let god in, he is helping me get it right.
I owe so many apologies I do not even know where to begin. First, I apologize for not allowing you to be the head of our family. I usurped your position, taking on responsibilities--like the bills and disciplining the kids—that should have belonged to you. I always used the excuse that it was easier for me to take charge of things because of your career and deployments, when the reality was that I had an overwhelming need to be in control. I was wrong and I hope you can forgive me.
I also apologize for failing to give you me. You deserved more quality time with me, for us, in our marriage. In the beginning, it was oh so easy. But, as our little family grew, I allowed the kids’ needs to take priority over yours. I failed to see that you needed time from me, too, and I ended up neglecting the most important person in my life because of my short-sightedness. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to spend time with you, I just always figured things would balance out once the kids got older and you would always be there.
Where do we go from here? I don’t know. I still believe in us, in the love we built a 13 ½ year marriage on. I made a promise on the rainy January day that I still keep. The promise was for better or for worse. I pray daily that this is the for worse and the better is still in our future. Our old marriage is gone, buried under mistakes too numerous to mention. You were right, I do deserve better. But, honey, so do you, and my dream is that we can build a better marriage together, using the foundation from the old one.
Our family has asked can I ever forgive you. Sweetheart, I already have forgiven you. I will continue to ask God to help me maintain that forgiveness until the day I no longer remember why I needed to forgive you in the first place. I only hope that one day you will be able to forgive me, too.
H, I love you. I have loved you almost from the moment we met, and I will always love you. Whether you are gone 7 months, a year, forever, I will still be here, honoring the promise I made and the love we shared, raising our children, and maintaining our home.
My heart is so full and I could write so much more, but I have said enough for now. The children and I, you family, will be waiting on the pier when you return at the end of cruise, ready to welcome you home with open arms and hearts.
All my love forever and always,
SMW
Alright, go ahead and tear it up. Nik, ST, sg, and the guys--do your worst. I can handle it.
SMW
Actually, I think it's good. I read back through NikB's responses to my letter...and I don't see that you made any of the same mistakes I made. The only thing I might reword is about the "family wondering if I can forgive you." My H is very sensitive to the family thoughts, etc. If your H is too, he might see this as you saying that the family doesn't think you should forgive him or that they don't think they will. I'd just leave that reference to family out.
Other than that, it looks good. I'm so hoping things go well tonight and tomorrow. I need to hear a good story right about now. I'll be praying for ya'll!!!!
Amy
SMW, I think this is a great letter. It explains how you feel, & what you'd like to happen. I'm just going to throw out some ideas, not necessarily corrections, just different wording or phrasing....
Another deployment. I was thinking about how lucky we have been thus far.
**it bugs me when H talks about "we". I want him to talk about himself, & let me decide for me.
We have been married almost 14 years and this is will only be our third full cruise. Not too many Navy couples can say that! I count my blessings every day, but I miss you so much when you are away.
We have seven months ahead of us. It seems like so much time. I will be spending it thinking, reflecting, maturing. Now that I am attending church again and have given my life over to God, I see so many areas where I have made mistakes in my life, areas that ultimately affected us and our relationship. The biggest one was having my priorities straight from the beginning. God first, then you, then the kids and then the rest of life. It is the way it is supposed to be and I failed to do so. Now that I have let god in, he is helping me get it right.
** does he believe this is the order or priorities ? How does he feel about your relationship with God ? **
I owe so many apologies I do not even know where to begin.
** What about just saying "I sincerely want to apologize about some things"
First, I apologize for not allowing you to be the head of our family. I usurped your position, taking on responsibilities--like the bills and disciplining the kids—that should have belonged to you. I always used the excuse that it was easier for me to take charge of things because of your career and deployments, when the reality was that I had an overwhelming need to be in control. I was wrong and I hope you can forgive me.
** He may not want the responsibility of the disciplining, & bills, maybe you could apologize for the control part, but offer to be a full partner & support him as being head of household type thing.
I also apologize for failing to give you me. You deserved more quality time with me, for us, in our marriage. In the beginning, it was oh so easy. But, as our little family grew, I allowed the kids’ needs to take priority over yours. I failed to see that you needed time from me, too, and I ended up neglecting the most important person in my life because of my short-sightedness. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to spend time with you, I just always figured things would balance out once the kids got older and you would always be there.
Perfect !
Where do we go from here? I don’t know. I still believe in us, in the love we built a 13 ½ year marriage on. I made a promise on the rainy
** I'd leave out rainy, sounds dreary, lol **
January day that I still keep. The promise was for better or for worse. I pray daily that this is the for worse and the better is still in our future.
Our old marriage is gone, buried under mistakes too numerous to mention.
** i'd leave out "buried under mistakes too numerous to mention", he may think you're pointing the finger at him**
You were right, I do deserve better. But, honey, so do you, and
**I'd leave that part out, he may think you're implying you deserve better than him.
My dream is that we can build a better marriage together, using the foundation from the old one.
Our family has asked can I ever forgive you.
**I'd leave that part out.
Sweetheart, I already have forgiven you.
I will continue to ask God to help me maintain that forgiveness until the day I no longer remember why I needed to forgive you in the first place.
** I'd leave that out too, sounds like it's going to be years & years, & that could be discouraging
I only hope that one day you will be able to forgive me, too.
Perfect !
H, I love you. I have loved you almost from the moment we met, and I will always love you. Whether you are gone 7 months, a year, forever, I will still be here, honoring the promise I made and the love we shared, raising our children, and maintaining our home.
Perfect.
My heart is so full and I could write so much more, but I have said enough for now.
He's already overwhelmed.
(teasing)
The children and I, you family, will be waiting on the pier when you return at the end of cruise, ready to welcome you home with open arms and hearts.
**I wouldn't speak for the family, you & the kids, yes by all means.
All my love forever and always,
SMW
Hope you don't think I butchered your letter, just trying to read it from his pov.
Hugs, good luck
Cookie--
As the almost WA, that is why I asked you to read it. Thank you so much! I am going to take stock of everything everyone says and go from there.
SMW
SMW I didn't forget about ya.. have to jump off for a little bit because H is right over my shoulder but I promise I WILL be back as soon as I can. You may even have a revised version by then eh?
Hey sweetie, just getting here, oldest D had volleyball tourney today! I am glad he is there, and I will be praying for you tontie, and truly my friend, hope it goes as you want. I am there in heart if you need me, just feel that heart beat and know you arent alone!!
hugs and love!
Alrighty... back to post! I was going to read the other comments first, but I think I'll comment first instead so it's more off of my "first impressions." Overall I think it's good!! Just some tweaks here and there, and some thoughts to share.
I'm trying to put on my "WAS hat," though glad to see you also heard from somenone coming from that perspective!
Another deployment. I was thinking about how lucky we have been thus far. We have been married almost 14 years and this is will only be our third full cruise. Not too many Navy couples can say that! I should count my blessings, and I honestly do, but I still always miss you so much when you are away.
hmm... do you think that he'll be happy about the reference to the length of your M? I'm afraid he may take this the wrong way, like, "yeah 14 years of a terrible M!" (if he's feeling down on the M, in general). I know at least in my case H kept "extending" the time he'd been unhappy. First it was for 2 years, then 4, then 6... at one point H had been "unhappy" in his R with me longer than he had BEEN in an R with me!! (yeah that one had me scratching my head.. I pointed out I hadn't even known him at the time he was referring to.. weird). Anyway.. just a thought, not sure if it applies to you.
I was a little confused about the "lucky" part too until I read the next part. My very first thought was that "we" have not been so "lucky" if this sitch is going on! I thought you might mean "and you've never gotten hurt" or something.. just confused. Then I realized you meant it was because he hadn't had that many cruises during the time you've been married. Maybe you can reword this a little bit.. "I'm so glad you've only had 3 full cruises during our time together... I should count my blessings.." What do you think?
We have seven months ahead of us. It s seems like so much time. I will be spending it thinking, reflecting, maturing.
Maybe not emphasize the "negative" of it so much - how long it is etc. Maybe something like "I plan to spend the next seven months... "
Now that I am attending church again and have given my life over to God, I see so many areas where I have made mistakes in my life, areas that ultimately affected us and our relationship. The biggest one was having my priorities straight from the beginning. God first, then you, then the kids and then the rest of life. It is the way it is supposed to be and I failed to do so. Now that I have let god in, he is helping me get it right.
I'm sorry but I can't recall...does your H share your religious beliefs?
I know that Amy's is more like me - not particularly religious or spiritual. Coming from THAT perspective solely, I think you might soften up the credit you're giving to "God" a little bit. Yes you do give credit there, but give yourself more credit too. If you're giving credit to someone/something that your H does not believe exists, you can see where it would come across a bit different than you intended. He might also not be too happy that you prioritized someone/something else over your R with him, if he doesn't believe in that someone/something. Does that make sense?
If he DOES share your religious beliefs then I think this is perfect.
I owe so many apologies I do not even know where to begin.
A little too heavy on the negative, maybe.. I'm afraid this might get him thinking of a mental list of the things you did wrong.. and it may not even match up with "your" list.
First, I apologize for not allowing you to be the head of our family. I usurped your position, taking on responsibilities--like the bills and disciplining the kids—that should have belonged to you. I always used the excuse that it was easier for me to take charge of things because of your career and deployments, when the reality was that I had an overwhelming need to be in control. I was wrong and I hope you can forgive me.
Are you sure this is an issue for him?
Not all men WANT this responsibility. My H for example is pretty darn glad he doesn't have to deal with the bills. It bugged him that I quit paying his cell bill (because I didn't want to have to look at it and all the calls to OW!). If this is something he has complained about then leave this in, but if it's not you might take this out.
I also apologize for failing to give you me. You deserved more quality time with me, for us, in our marriage. In the beginning, it was oh so easy. But, as our little family grew, I allowed the kids’ needs to take priority over yours. I failed to see that you needed time from me, too, and I ended up neglecting the most important person in my life because of my short-sightedness. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to spend time with you, I just always figured things would balance out once the kids got older and you would always be there.
This is absolutely beautiful.
Where do we go from here? I don’t know. I still believe in us, in the love we built a 13 ½ year marriage on.
Same comment as above about mentioning the time frame. You could just say "I still believe in us and our ability to build a happy future.." something like that. Keep it more future focused.
I made a promise on the rainy January day that I still keep. The promise was for better or for worse. I pray daily that this is the for worse and the better is still in our future.
This sounds a teeny bit "blaming" I think. "I'm keeping my promise...
and you're not"
I know that you actually pray for it, but I think it might be better to sound more confident about the worse/better.
"I truly believe that we can build a better future together."
Our old marriage is gone, buried under mistakes too numerous to mention.
I would take out the stuff after the comma. It emphasizes the negative WAY too much. And, if the things you chose to apologize for don't quite match up with what he feels were the top mistakes, this could sound like you're dismissing the ones that are "big" to him.
You were right, I do deserve better. But, honey, so do you, and my dream is that we can build a better marriage together, using the foundation from the old one.
hmmm.. can you just say "We both deserve better than what we had before, and my dream..." ?? The "I do deserve better" implies better than him, not necessarily the better R.
Our family has asked can I ever forgive you. Sweetheart, I already have forgiven you. I will continue to ask God to help me maintain that forgiveness until the day I no longer remember why I needed to forgive you in the first place. I only hope that one day you will be able to forgive me, too.
I wouldn't bring your family into it... just say you've already forgiven him for what happened.
If he's not religious, I'd soften the religious reference again or take it out. You could even keep this a little simpler, I've forgiven you, and I hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me too.
H, I love you. I have loved you almost from the moment we met, and I will always love you.
Awwww.. I like this.
Whether you are gone 7 months, a year, forever, I will still be here, honoring the promise I made and the love we shared, raising our children, and maintaining our home.
Ouch... this sounds pretty condescending again. "I'm keeping MY promise" [and you're NOT keeping YOURS]. I would take all of this out. I can't really think of a way to re-word it that sounds right.
My heart is so full and I could write so much more, but I have said enough for now. The children and I, you family, will be waiting on the pier when you return at the end of cruise, ready to welcome you home with open arms and hearts.
I love this with one exception, I'd take out "your family." He knows who you are...
It sounds a little pushy or something.. can't quite put my finger on it but I think the paragraph/sentence is much better without it.
All in all I think it looks very good! Hope my thoughts and those of others help you tweak it some.
(((SMW)))
Hey Sis...
I like the context of the letter but have to admit that SC & NikB, have pointed out some good spots to reconsider changing. The changes they suggest are going to put you in a better light and put less pressure on H. Some of the areas I feel that they have pointed could put him on the defensive and get a negative reaction.
As I said the context is very good and you have the right idea. I don't feel it over board on your feelings I feel it honest and with those changes to consider it will get a much better reaction to further your efforts.
Good on you for the way you chose to express yourelf, you're doing good girl...
Bro
Beautiful letter. This is soooo your strength.
I personally would leave the forgiveness paragraph out. Give him the chance to to take the lead with that. Pray about it. Read it again, edit as directed in prayer...you're pretty good.
I like the letter. It should be from the heart and it sounds like it is. The edits looked good to me also..you've gotten some good advice.
SMW,
I am not going to word-smith here. I think the letter was written from your heart and I personally wouldn't change any of it. I'm so glad that we have connected. I hope you are able to reach out and hold him tonight. That he feels love and connection with you. Hopefully the visit with the in-laws goes well, also.
I'll check on you. I'm here if you need me.
Hi all - just wanted to say I TOTALLY agree that it's a very beautiful, heartfelt letter. I only went through it line by line because I know people did that for me a few times and it REALLY helped me to see how it might be viewed from another perspective.
If you gave it to him exactly as is, I think it would be pretty good. If you make a few minor changes, I think it will be great.
(and possibly as Racefan mentioned, get a reaction closer to what you're hoping for)
Hope you're having a wonderful time with your H today!
Just one thought......are the things in your letter in line with your goals?
H—
Another deployment. We have been married almost 14 years and this will only be our third full cruise. Not too many Navy couples can say that! I should count my blessings, and I honestly do, but I still always miss you so much when you are away.
I will be spending the next seven months thinking, reflecting, maturing. Now that I am attending church again and have given my life over to God, I see so many areas where I have made mistakes in my life, areas that ultimately affected us and our relationship. The biggest one was having my priorities straight from the beginning. God first, then you, then the kids and then the rest of life. It is the way it is supposed to be and I failed to do so. Now that I have let God in, he is helping me get it right.
There are some things that I sincerely need to apologize for. First, I apologize for not allowing you to be the head of our family. A marriage is a partnership, with you as the head of the house and my supporting you. I usurped your position, taking on responsibilities--like the bills and disciplining the kids—that should have belonged to you. I always used the excuse that it was easier for me to take charge of things because of your career and deployments, when the reality was that I had an overwhelming need to be in control. I was wrong and I hope you can forgive me.
I also apologize for failing to give you me. You deserved more quality time with me, for us, in our marriage. In the beginning, it was oh so easy. But, as our little family grew, I allowed the kids’ needs to take priority over yours. I failed to see that you needed time from me, too, and I ended up neglecting the most important person in my life because of my short-sightedness. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to spend time with you, I just always figured things would balance out once the kids got older and you would always be there.
Where do we go from here? I don’t know. I still believe in us, in the love we built our marriage on. That January day, I promised to love you for better or for worse. I pray daily, knowing that this is the for worse and the better is still in our future. Our old marriage is gone. My dream is that we can build a better marriage together, using the foundation from the old one.
Can I ever forgive you? Sweetheart, I already have forgiven you. I only hope that one day you will be able to forgive me, too.
H, I love you. I have loved you almost from the moment we met, and I will always love you. Whether you are gone 7 months, a year, forever, I will still be here, remembering the love we shared, raising our children, and maintaining our home.
My heart is so full and I could write so much more, but I have said enough for now. The kids and I will be waiting on the pier when you return at the end of cruise, ready to welcome you home with open arms and hearts.
All my love forever and always,
I am off to bed. H is sleeping in D8's room. I tried to thank him for the V Day gift and was basically dismissed over it. I am drained and do not think I am going to be able to sleep.
thank you all for your input. Hopefully, he will read it with an open heart.
H is not attending church with us tomorrow. told D8 that he is not ready to do that. I am not sure what he meant by that.
SMW
I have not read anyone's threads. Bear with me. I will catch up with all of you after Monday, I promise.
SMW
Nik--How is the rewrite?
I am still here. H is snoring and I am listening to him. won't hear it for seven months.
SMW
(((((SuperMW)))))
"Not ready" seems to imply to me "not ready now", leaving open the possibility that he may be "ready" later. I hope that is what it means!
(((((SuperMW)))))
"Not ready" seems to imply to me "not ready now", leaving open the possibility that he may be "ready" later. I hope that is what it means!
Jeff--
I am still trying to figure out how to get his bible in his bag to take to the ship. We used to read together and he was active in church. Now, all the sudden, he is on the fence about religion. That about broke my heart to hear. I have been praying for God to restore him to salvation, knowing that other things will fall into place, too.
SMW
Oh, boy, oh, boy!
I'd be real careful about that one. In the wrong frame of mind he see it as really judgmental and controlling when he found it. Might not be the best plan from a DB standpoint. On the other hand, he might appreciate it, but I think that is less likely.
I think the religion brings up the guilt issue in him. He's not ready to face feeling guilty so it is easier to turn his back on the religion. I agree with Nik's advice. Go light on the religious stuff in the letter. I don't think he finds that attractive now.
Here's hoping you have a good day!!!! You deserve one.
I know after the other night with my H that guilt is the main motivator for him. That same kind of guilt would definitely keep your H out of church and away from God. Given that your H might see it as trying too hard to control things...I'd leave the Bible out of the bag. If he decides to do any reading on the ship, he'll be able to find one. I'm know there are Christians in our military, right? And, as you pointed out to me several weeks ago about my H, when he's ready, there'll be no way to stop him. You can't force him...what seems so clear to you and me, is not to him. And, if he feels pressured by you, he'll resist longer!
Take care of you!
Amy
SMV-
good letter, but, like everyone has said, don't pressure him. That'll drive him away further.....and don't put the Bible in there. When God speaks to him, your H will listen. Rest assured in that fact.
stay strong girl. I'm thinking of you
((SMW))
I like the rewrite! Still a LITTLE unsure on the "priorities" part given where he's at with religion, but I think it is a great letter.
I agree on the bible... if he wants one on the ship, he'll be able to find one.
I will be praying for you and your family.
(((((SMW)))))
well, looks like I missed the letter critiquing. I agreed mostly with Nik, and whoever made the big comments before her.
I would almost leave that first paragraph out. Because, depending where HE is in his own sitch, this makes it sound like your expecting him to stay M to you (and we are in a way because we have faith that God is bringing him home, but HE may not be sure yet) and it can trigger guilt because it's like your trying to get him to see how much you've been through and how long, etc.
I think someone already said this, but your comment on putting the kids first, when he needing more "me". I think that you need to say we needed more "WE".
well, it may be too late for my input, but oh well.
on the bible. I'm not for or against. Him saying he's not ready for church, it's because he is still living in his sin, so to say. He hasn't asked forgiveness for himself or from you, so even if he has cut off from the OW mostly, he's still living in it.
oh, your comment on the forgiveness, I would only say, (and leave out the other, because it's like your assuming he's wanting forgiveness) "H, no matter what happens, I want you to know that I offer my forgiveness to you, and I hope that you are able to do the same for me. (this could be where you could apologize for your contribution- but don't over explain)
oh, I also agree to not say that you will give him the bills and discipline to do (and discipline should be a joint effort anyways), but be more vague in saying I took control of the kids and finances instead of letting you be the head of the household and lead us as a family as you should have been able to do.
okay, guess I wrote more than I meant! It took me 5 hours to write this as I got distracted and had to come back, so who knows what's been written since! I will check now though.