Divorcebusting.com
Finally locked my first thread. I will summarize my sitch the best I can.

W and I have been slowly growing apart for the last five years or so. It started shortly after we bought our new house.

I tried to talk to her about what I needed and wanted but she would never say what she wanted except that she got what she wanted from the kids. I never understood this but think she wanted to be held and loved without the pressure of ML. I never just held her it always was to meet my needs and I did not consider hers were different than mine.

I worked two sometimes three jobs until 2003 to make ends meet. She worked part time and we needed the money.

Between a job that I hated to go to but made good money, the stress of the house, kids and our R, I continued to get angrier over the years. My W and kids never knew what mood I would be in. My W said she walked around on eggshells trying to keep the peace and protect the kids. I never have laid a hand on my W or kids it was just my bad moods and tone of voice they feared.

I was unhappy and blamed it on my W and her inability to meet my needs thus not making me happy.

Last June it all came to a head and she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. I went to C to try and save my M but ended up figuring out that I was the reason I was unhappy and angry and not my W. I started to work on me. I bought several book one of them being DB.

I was working hard on myself when in April I found out my W was having an EA with her ex H. This really put me over the edge. I have had some rough months, backslide a lot and have had a hard time detaching.

I found this site where I have been able to vent and get some great advice. I joined a golf league, started to buy my own clothes, dress nice around my wife and most importantly I started a new business with another person.

Things have been getting better and my W and I are in the friendship stage. Our last R talk happened June 27th I again took responsibility for my actions over the last several years and apologized for not being there for her. I told her that she now needs to decide what she wants and what will make her happy and that if she wants me to stay and work on the M I will. If me leaving will make her happy I will leave, no regrets no bad feeling towards her.

We do not go to MC because she does not think it will help. Life and the kids came between us and we both lost ourselves along the way. I have become a much better person and know what I want. She needs to do the same and until then I will be waiting to move the R forward but will continue to work on me until then.
for what it's worth I want you to know..I'm proud of you. I can see a big difference. I would say your W sees the changes. Continue on and observe.
echoing Mike here D. From what you say above and from your greatly appreciated comments on my thread, I can tell you are a changed man from the one that you describe as yourself a few years ago.

GL and keep it up
Thanks, it means alot coming from you guys. I look back on what I have done and I am ashamed of that person. I was not pleasent to be around. I am hopeful that I can make up for all the pain I have caused her. That is up to her right now.

She is still on the fence as I said above but the nice thing is I am ok with whatever decision she makes. I am enjoing the time we spend together and take it one day at a time.

My S for the longest time when he came into a room where my W and I were would always give her a hug and not me, now he comes to me first and she sometimes has to ask for it. I know he sees the changes and that is what really makes me feel good.

Mike, I'm sorry things did not work out as you had hoped. I know you have accepted it but it still must really be hard to deal with a second time. You are here following alot of peoples sitch and that shows what a great person you truely are.

Arthur, Your adivice has been very helpful I hope your W comes around sooner than later, but I will still give my opinion and hope something I tell you helps.
Quote:
Mike, I'm sorry things did not work out as you had hoped. I know you have accepted it but it still must really be hard to deal with a second time. You are here following alot of peoples sitch and that shows what a great person you truely are.


Thanks for that. I appreciate it. It actually may be a little easier as far as knowing what to expect. I've felt like a loser at times but also know that the losses I have had are due to bad decisions I made, the type person I was and my past history. I've took my responsibilities in the failure of both and also held myself accountable for the parenting I did with my son. I hope will be a better dad this time around.

Yes, I'm following lots of people. I won't lie and say it does not affect me. It does. The sheer volume of Newcomers gets me down at times. There are times when I read things that are so close to home that I have trouble even thinking about them. I'm sure that the people helping me when I first got here felt the same when they read my post. I intend to do the same as the ones before me and "pay it forward" when I can.

it's the way I'm wired....

I felt..I did all I could do for the sitch I'm in.
Distressed I have to say our sitch's are so similar. My wife also told me about how she walked on eggshells and didn't know what mood I would be in. She also talked about protecting the kids.

Quote:
Thanks, it means alot coming from you guys. I look back on what I have done and I am ashamed of that person. I was not pleasant to be around. I am hopeful that I can make up for all the pain I have caused her. That is up to her right now.


I can totally relate to this. I am really wanting cover the ground I lost and make it up to her.

You're comments on my sitch have been greatly appreciated and I want you to know you've helped me out quite a bit.

Ken
I am glad I can help you out. I am just trying to give back that what I have received just as MFT said above.

I will keep an eye on you and help as best I can. You do the work and I will sit with a beer in one hand a 2x4 in the other and watch. \:\/
Quote:
I am just trying to give back that what I have received


And you're doing a really good job.

Quote:
You do the work and I will sit with a beer in one hand a 2x4 in the other and watch.


and it appears I've rubbed off on you. \:D

I saw a post over on Arthur's thread earlier. I thought I would respond over here. I have many activities that I do to keep me busy. I love surf fishing. Have you ever done any surf fishing. It a great GAL activity. Lots of big fish to be caught on the Outer Banks of North Carolina, you can go here to see the pics surffishtheobx.com . Big fish pictures on the photo page. the ones at the very top of the page are really nice pictures. On the first page on the site at the bottom there is a link to the webguy send an email and let him know how you like the pictures. Really big fish and lots of fun. throw in beer drinking and great fellowship. if you ever get the chance you should visit. it's a great place with great people.
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Quote:
I am just trying to give back that what I have received


And you're doing a really good job.



Thanks trying my best. It is easier when you are not emotionally envolved to see other peoples pit falls and try and help them out.

Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

Quote:
You do the work and I will sit with a beer in one hand a 2x4 in the other and watch.


and it appears I've rubbed off on you. \:D



Much better to give than receive especially when your not the one on the receiving end of that 2x4 of yours.


Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee

I saw a post over on Arthur's thread earlier. I thought I would respond over here. I have many activities that I do to keep me busy. I love surf fishing. Have you ever done any surf fishing. It a great GAL activity. Lots of big fish to be caught on the Outer Banks of North Carolina, you can go here to see the pics surffishtheobx.com . Big fish pictures on the photo page. the ones at the very top of the page are really nice pictures. On the first page on the site at the bottom there is a link to the webguy send an email and let him know how you like the pictures. Really big fish and lots of fun. throw in beer drinking and great fellowship. if you ever get the chance you should visit. it's a great place with great people.


Never been surf fishing always wanted to go deep sea fishing though but not many places in PA to do that. Most of my friends have families and it is hard for any of us to get away. Really do need to find the time to do this.

Also what is this alternate universe does it have someting to do with the web site above?
Aw, Grasshopper.
You ask too many questions ;)You should learn about surf fishing. It's relaxing. So just go learn about surf fishing. Quote boxes are nice but not when talking about surf fishing. Your questions were answered above. Now just do it. You'll get a response later tonight. I'm real sure he's busy right now and can't get back to you at the moment.No more words Grasshopper--time for actions. You've learned quite a bit here. Just do it. No need to post about it.
Let me see what you guys think of this.

Last night I had to do some work for my IL so the W started to cut the grass. when I got home a neighbor stop over and I needed to give him a check. I went in the house to get a check out of my W purse. She had a piece of clothing in it but I did not look at it because I was in a hurry. My W saw him pull up but did not know I had gotten home so she stopped mowing and come out front. When she saw i was there she left. When I went to put the check book back the piece of clothing was gone. I do not know what it was.

About 10 minuts later she stopped cutting and I ran into her in the garage because she had said at dinner that she was going over to a girlfriends house and could I finish cutting the grass. She was acting a little weird and asked when I got home and what I was doing. I said I had just gotten home when the neighbor arrived and I got a check out of her purse.

I had a rough night sleeping last night. Tossed and turned and all night did not get much sleep. I don't know why but I thought about it all night.

This moring she asked if I was ok. I said I had alot on my mind and that i was sorry to wake her up. She just called and asked again if I was ok and that I was talking or mumbling but she could not understand it and was I mad at her. I told her it was just work and that was it but then asked her if everytime I have a rough night does she think I am mad at her. She said that is the way it has been in the past. I tryed to reassure her that was not it and that I was sorry she felt that way. She said not to worry about it.

I hate back sliding and this BS. Not sure why it bothered me so much or why I really care what it was. It just seemed strange that she went in the house a got whatever it was before I could see it.
Posted By: Kenny Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance - 07/25/08 03:32 PM
D67

Whatever it was in your w's purse is now gone.

You cant control what it was or what your w was up to.

Dont let it stress you out too much. C,mon man you have been stopping me sliding down this slope and doing a great job.

It is normal to be concerned or frustrated as relinquishing control in any sitch for us can be hard. Her concern for your troubled sleep etc might be coming out of some guilty feelings and she is trying to sound you out over what you think is going on.

But dont try to read to much into this. It might be nothing

I think the way you handled the reassuarnce conversation was good too.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Let me see what you guys think of this.

Last night I had to do some work for my IL so the W started to cut the grass. when I got home a neighbor stop over and I needed to give him a check. I went in the house to get a check out of my W purse. She had a piece of clothing in it but I did not look at it because I was in a hurry. My W saw him pull up but did not know I had gotten home so she stopped mowing and come out front. When she saw i was there she left. When I went to put the check book back the piece of clothing was gone. I do not know what it was.

About 10 minuts later she stopped cutting and I ran into her in the garage because she had said at dinner that she was going over to a girlfriends house and could I finish cutting the grass. She was acting a little weird and asked when I got home and what I was doing. I said I had just gotten home when the neighbor arrived and I got a check out of her purse.

I had a rough night sleeping last night. Tossed and turned and all night did not get much sleep. I don't know why but I thought about it all night.

This moring she asked if I was ok. I said I had alot on my mind and that i was sorry to wake her up. She just called and asked again if I was ok and that I was talking or mumbling but she could not understand it and was I mad at her. I told her it was just work and that was it but then asked her if everytime I have a rough night does she think I am mad at her. She said that is the way it has been in the past. I tryed to reassure her that was not it and that I was sorry she felt that way. She said not to worry about it.

I hate back sliding and this BS. Not sure why it bothered me so much or why I really care what it was. It just seemed strange that she went in the house a got whatever it was before I could see it.


OK, I'll play devil's advocate here..Frist thign I'll say is don't assume. You did not see what it was you only assume it was something you were not supposed to see because she moved it.

You outed her EA with an old high school chum/olf friend correct? A couple of weeks ago you outed them right?? If I have you confused with another sitch forgive me, I am following many and they all seem to get cluttered in my head at times..

Ok, lets say she has gotten a gift from someone or bought herself something nice, or maybe it was a gift for you?? She did not want you to see it because it was a gift for you, or because someone else gave her a gift, not romantic, maybe not from her old friend but from someone else, Maybe she's afraid that if you saw it you will assume. Maybe her fears are founded because you do seem to be assuming. maybe it was clothing that neede to go to the dry cleaners or was dirty and she put them away..maybe it was clothing she ripped or tore and needed to be thrown out..it could be anything.

You've made good progress. Things seem to be better. Don't let assumptions side track you. I say forget it. I also say stay out of her purse. It may seem like a lack of trust for her if you go in it, even if you always have..

Forget about it..unless you know what was then you have nothing to worry about. JMO.

lack of sleep has your mind racing over this
I do not go into her purse anymore it was just to get the checkbook and that was all. Its still a trust issue and the EA is still fresh in my head.

I know I should just ignore it but its been a long week and I have been on the go and I think I am just jumping at shadows. Just seemed odd.

Thanks for stopping me from over thinking, thats why I posted it here. Need you guys to look at it from an unemotional POV.
Distressed, let me ask you this:

Why are you wanting to sabotage yourself?

It's the same question the MC asked me when I told her I was drinking on the anti-depressents and it was when we were drinking that my wife and I had the biggest blowouts. I have quit drinking (again - quit for 17 years before). The anti-depressents won't do it's job if a person is drinking. So I was doing behavior which was opposite of what I was trying to achieve in my M.

You have been doing well and now you are throwing a wrench into it yourself. Why? If you chase it in you will find your answer.

Forget the clothing. MFT is right on target. You have no idea what it was. But like me, you have to project negatively and make it out to be the worst possible scenario. Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it every time you find yourself projecting negatively - then change it either a positive projection or a neutral one. (ie: maybe it's a gift for me, or better yet, I have no idea what it was and refuse to drive myself crazy by thinking it's something that's going to be a negative)

I'm a snooper, but realized it's just putting my POWER into someone else's hands. Not healthy. When I think the other shoe is going to drop I can easily find evidence of it from neutral things. I'm looking through lenses that are tainted with the fear of the other shoe dropping so everything looks like what I'm afraid of. Hope that makes sense.

Ken
Originally Posted By: ken
Distressed, let me ask you this:

Why are you wanting to sabotage yourself?

It's the same question the MC asked me when I told her I was drinking on the anti-depressents and it was when we were drinking that my wife and I had the biggest blowouts. I have quit drinking (again - quit for 17 years before). The anti-depressents won't do it's job if a person is drinking. So I was doing behavior which was opposite of what I was trying to achieve in my M.

You have been doing well and now you are throwing a wrench into it yourself. Why? If you chase it in you will find your answer.

Forget the clothing. MFT is right on target. You have no idea what it was. But like me, you have to project negatively and make it out to be the worst possible scenario. Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it every time you find yourself projecting negatively - then change it either a positive projection or a neutral one. (ie: maybe it's a gift for me, or better yet, I have no idea what it was and refuse to drive myself crazy by thinking it's something that's going to be a negative)

I'm a snooper, but realized it's just putting my POWER into someone else's hands. Not healthy. When I think the other shoe is going to drop I can easily find evidence of it from neutral things. I'm looking through lenses that are tainted with the fear of the other shoe dropping so everything looks like what I'm afraid of. Hope that makes sense.

Ken


Makes complete sense, thanks I needed that 2x4. I was fine until she called this morning and wanted to know if I was mad at her. I had gotten over the piece of clothes but that comment hurt. I have not gotten angry or raised my voice in a long time but she still cringes when I am not in a good mood.

I can not always have a PMA around her but this just beats it home that I must until both of us heal form all of this. There are times I hurt and want to hold her but cant and remain positive thru it all this was just a slip on my part.

Thanks again guys.
Hi Distressed.. finally found your new thread as the link in your signature links back to the one that is locked!


Just a thought about your past few days, from a wife who walked on eggshells for years.. all she can see is the BEHAVIOUR looks the same, she doesn't know the intentions or the thoughts that accompany it (& those are different??)

She asked you multiple times over multiple days, what is wrong & if you are mad at her for something. I think she will draw her own conclusions if you don't provide something. You are feeding her fear & insecurities it seems to me (not that she isn't doing the same for you, but you can only control your actions).

Peace
Bridge
The big thing I think is she is picking up something other than a PMA.

I too get frustrated a bit that I have to be 'perfect' in the PMA regardless of what is happening. We are not allowed to express our real feelings, but that comes with the territory.

I ask myself, would I rather have the freedom to express myself honestly, or would I rather get my wife back. Answer is a given. Hopefully there will come a day where I can express my feelings honestly. But not today. At least not to her.

Ken
Posted By: KenF Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance - 07/25/08 07:27 PM
Quote:
I too get frustrated a bit that I have to be 'perfect' in the PMA regardless of what is happening. We are not allowed to express our real feelings...


The trick here is to make the PMA your true feelings.

thats it and thats all.


of course, I know thats the hard part.

thats what i'm fighting with too. that why you/I detach, GAL, etc etc.

You're doing great, you're in the friendship phase. look back a few weeks and what were you thinking then? let my tell you what i'm thinking: If i get in the friendship phase, i'll be the happiest DBing DAM you've ever seen.

of course, I know thats the hard part.

I'm a DAM, i'm not stupid.


Just keep up the good work, when the doubts creep in, hit them with the 2x4 so you dont have to hit to yourself.
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
Hi Distressed.. finally found your new thread as the link in your signature links back to the one that is locked!


Just a thought about your past few days, from a wife who walked on eggshells for years.. all she can see is the BEHAVIOUR looks the same, she doesn't know the intentions or the thoughts that accompany it (& those are different??)

She asked you multiple times over multiple days, what is wrong & if you are mad at her for something. I think she will draw her own conclusions if you don't provide something. You are feeding her fear & insecurities it seems to me (not that she isn't doing the same for you, but you can only control your actions).

Peace
Bridge


It only happened last night. I have been at work by 5:30 all week, then have not sat down until almost 9:00 every night even last night. I'm tired, I have been fine and the W and I have been getting along and I was sleeping well. It was just strange to see an artical of clothing in her purse and I was not interested in it until she moved it.

I think she thought I was mad because she was out at her GF house till 10:30 and I was not but between the long hours and my overactive imagination I tossed and turned. She probably thougt I was upset about her being out late because I was asleep when she got home. I did not care but like everything in life it all happens at one time and we both are guessing at what the other is doing.

And Bridge I understand that how I was looked like the old me but it still hits me hard when she asks if I'm mad. It reminds me of how I was and all the pain I have caused her and worse of all she remembers it. I'm fighting my past and it sucks.
Originally Posted By: KenF
Quote:
I too get frustrated a bit that I have to be 'perfect' in the PMA regardless of what is happening. We are not allowed to express our real feelings...


The trick here is to make the PMA your true feelings.

thats it and thats all.


of course, I know thats the hard part.

thats what i'm fighting with too. that why you/I detach, GAL, etc etc.

You're doing great, you're in the friendship phase. look back a few weeks and what were you thinking then? let my tell you what i'm thinking: If i get in the friendship phase, i'll be the happiest DBing DAM you've ever seen.

of course, I know thats the hard part.

I'm a DAM, i'm not stupid.


Just keep up the good work, when the doubts creep in, hit them with the 2x4 so you dont have to hit to yourself.


Most of the time they are my true feelings. I am happier and usually do have a PMA. I like my new job and doing stuff for myself. Sometimes it is just frustrating to fight your past all the time. I cannot change who I was or how I treated her but it always seems to circle back to it. She does not say it like this morning but I can feel it now and then all the same. That backing away type thing when I get to close.

I just need to be better at seeing it coming from a distance and head it off before it gets to close.

Thanks all for your input.

Have a great weekend, I will be putting in long hours.
Good evening Tim. Just wanted you to know I got that and responded. You can let me know something. You got the map and the directions.
Yes I got the map and directions and I responded back.
Last Night Update,

I worked until 4:00 and then went to my mom's house to help her pack the moving truck. She is moving this weekend to Maryland. It took us about two hours and then we went to dinner. My W and kids meet us there.

While packing the truck my partner called me and I have to get a job designed and stamped by an engineer for Wednesday. Unfortunuately I am out of the office Monday and Tuesday. I told my W I have to go into the office last night and this morning to hopefully get it done.

Worked till 10:00 last night. On the way home she called to ask where I was and my partner called me. I put her on hold to talk to him because he is leaving for V and I need info from him. She hung up in the mean time.

When I got home she was on the deck with a fire going. I changed and went out there and apologized for putting her on hold. She said she understands and it was ok. We talked for about an hour and then went in to watch the rest of the news.

I went to bed around 11:40 and she did not come until 2- 2:30. Assumed she either fell asleep or was in my D room reading because she is with my mom. She is seeing Lion King tonight. Lucky her.

This morning my W rolled over and put her arm around me. Noty much but better than nothing. Then off to work. Ah self employment is a blast.

Tonight she is going to basket bingo and then to dinner and out for drinks with the girls. I will be hanging with the boy. Hopefully take him to the movies or mini golf.

Thanks for all your responces yesterday. Need to keep telling myself this is a marathon, took me years to get here may take my W and I years to recover. Hopefully not but only time will tell.
The arm around you is nice. She initiated the physical touch and that's a positive sign. Take it for that. I know it seems like a crumb sometimes, but imagine how big that would be for someone who doesn't even see their WAS.

I'm saying this for my own benefit too. We tend to lose sight of the small stuff because we are wanting the 'big stuff' to happen. I keep remembering when my wife and I were dating how it started small and gradually increased in intimacy.

Good stuff Distressed. Thanks for sharing because it helps me to remember where I'm at also.

Ken
Originally Posted By: ken
The arm around you is nice. She initiated the physical touch and that's a positive sign. Take it for that. I know it seems like a crumb sometimes, but imagine how big that would be for someone who doesn't even see their WAS.

I'm saying this for my own benefit too. We tend to lose sight of the small stuff because we are wanting the 'big stuff' to happen. I keep remembering when my wife and I were dating how it started small and gradually increased in intimacy.

Good stuff Distressed. Thanks for sharing because it helps me to remember where I'm at also.

Ken


Your right about wanting the big stuff but when you go weeks without even a touch it gets hard. I know she is going thru alot even though she is great at hiding her emotions so I have to tell myself that she is unavaliable to me until she figures out what she wants.

I know alot of LBSs out there wish their R was a far as mine but its like anything else when you do get to this point your striving for the next. I envy SmartCookie and her relationship and she goes thru bad times as well. Its all in your prosective and having someone ahead of you gives us all something to shoot for. Its the competativeness of us men. I need to enjoy where I am at as you all say and stop wanted to move it along too fast.
Quick Update,

While at work this morning the W called to see how I was doing and ask when I thought I would be home. Told her it would not be till after lunch. It would go quicker if I was not on DB half the time but she does not need to know that.

Got my project designed and dropped off at the engineers and then home. Ate lunch and talked with the W. My D is turning 16 in about six months and wants to take her close friends to see a play. We discussed this because my W was worried family members might be upset if we dont throw a big party. I said its her Birthday and she can celebrate it how ever she wants and if the families want a party we will go out to dinner and do cake. And if they don't like it tough sh** in my book.

Spent the rest of the time on idol chit chat and then she left for her outing with the girls. On her way out she wants to talk about the landscaping we just put in and the yard work that needs done. I said that is my plans for tomorrow, I love working outside its relaxing to me.

I think we are back on track now, just a little detour on Thursday/ Friday to spice up the ordinary.
LOL. If you want spice throw some hot sauce on your eggs.... ;\)

Glad you're back on track.

ken
[quote=Distressed67

My D is turning 16 in about six months and wants to take her close friends to see a play. We discussed this because my W was worried family members might be upset if we dont throw a big party. I said its her Birthday and she can celebrate it how ever she wants and if the families want a party we will go out to dinner and do cake. And if they don't like it tough sh** in my book.
[/quote]

JUMP ON IT!! LOL

We threw a HUGE party for my D16 last year. It was such a hit, that the kids are STILL talking about it. She is active in a drama choir at school and we used a musicals theme for it. Other than the basics, she had absolutely no idea what her grandmother, dad, and I were up to. Final cost--about $3K !

BUT, she is an amazing kid and she totally loved it! I told her that was it until graduation, and then when she gets married. I am so glad I will not have another one of those for almost 8 years.

SMW
Posted By: poet Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance - 07/26/08 11:45 PM
Wow, I have to say, I have just read this last page on this thread, and I am amazed at how much your posts -- all of you -- are helping me. I am a woman who was left behind, so I can't relate to you all in the same way as you relate to each other.

But, for some reason, I seem to get more out of what you say and how you say it, for my own sitch and emotions. I know I was the one who drove away my H. I'm actually still in shock over what has happened this past year with us, but I'm very aware of how powerless I am to change his mind.

He said just last night, "I do love you and care about your but you don't understand how someone can love you and still divorce you." Honestly, he's right. I don't understand it.

He was actually whispering on his cell phone last night as I was in the next room. I was devastated and he says he doesn't understand how anything he does now should hurt me. \:\(

P.S. Does anyone here know how to get the smiley faces, etc. other than just typing them in?

S
S--

If you actually hit the reply or quote button, rather than going right into the post box, it will give you a row of options, that include font size, color, and smiley options.

I agree--I get a lot of info just from reading the responses to others' sitches. It gives some different perspectives.

SMW
Originally Posted By: ken
LOL. If you want spice throw some hot sauce on your eggs.... ;\)

Glad you're back on track.

ken


Yes I agree no more spice for me. Gave me Heartburn.
Originally Posted By: sadmilitarywife
Originally Posted By: Distressed67


My D is turning 16 in about six months and wants to take her close friends to see a play. We discussed this because my W was worried family members might be upset if we dont throw a big party. I said its her Birthday and she can celebrate it how ever she wants and if the families want a party we will go out to dinner and do cake. And if they don't like it tough sh** in my book.


JUMP ON IT!! LOL

We threw a HUGE party for my D16 last year. It was such a hit, that the kids are STILL talking about it. She is active in a drama choir at school and we used a musicals theme for it. Other than the basics, she had absolutely no idea what her grandmother, dad, and I were up to. Final cost--about $3K !

BUT, she is an amazing kid and she totally loved it! I told her that was it until graduation, and then when she gets married. I am so glad I will not have another one of those for almost 8 years.

SMW


My D is very laid back and does not like to have big parties. She would much rather take her close friends to a Musical than spend the money on a big party. I'm all for that, My W and I enjoy them also so its win/ win in my book.

The families will understand, my W is always worring about what other people are thinking or wanting instaed of concentrating on her needs. She thinks of herself as the peace maker and right now that is not what she needs to do. Thus the reason why she is just crusing along and not finding what makes her happy. She is too worried about me and I want her to concentrate on herself and decide on a course and take it. Either with me or without don't care which just decide and lets move forward.

Ok, I do care but you get my point.
Originally Posted By: Suzanne1
Wow, I have to say, I have just read this last page on this thread, and I am amazed at how much your posts -- all of you -- are helping me. I am a woman who was left behind, so I can't relate to you all in the same way as you relate to each other.

But, for some reason, I seem to get more out of what you say and how you say it, for my own sitch and emotions. I know I was the one who drove away my H. I'm actually still in shock over what has happened this past year with us, but I'm very aware of how powerless I am to change his mind.



I am glad you are getting something out of my sitch. If anything I do or say helps people, it makes me feel good inside. Just don't make the same mistakes as I have.

And yes you are powerless to change his mind however you have a lot of power in changing the R. Working on yourself, detatching and GAL are the three things that will bring you peace and happiness no matter what your H does.

Originally Posted By: Suzanne1

He said just last night, "I do love you and care about your but you don't understand how someone can love you and still divorce you." Honestly, he's right. I don't understand it.

He was actually whispering on his cell phone last night as I was in the next room. I was devastated and he says he doesn't understand how anything he does now should hurt me. \:\(

P.S. Does anyone here know how to get the smiley faces, etc. other than just typing them in?

S


What my W meant by the ILYNILWY speach is that I care about you, do not want to hurt you but that feeling of connection is not there. You do not meet my needs and if I could figure out how to make a D work I would.

I was overly dependent on her, got mad when she did not make me happy or meet my needs and over the years it wore her down to the point that she just could not stand being with me but did not want to hurt the kids or have other people think she was a bad person.

I change me, how I look at myself, how I interact with my kids and W and I started doing stuff that I enjoy doing. She is much happier, asks me about my new job, how my day at golf went and is willing to do things to help me. I in return have been taking the kids to more appointments and helping around the house with housework and redoing things she wanted done for years.

I changed and in doing so it changed our interactions. When I messed up on Thursday our R changed for the worse, when I went back to the new me on Friday it changed again. So to make a long point short, oh too late, you cannot change or control him but what you do will affect how the two of you interact thus changing the R. For better or worse that is your choice/ power.

Take care and thanks for stopping by.
Tim,
I'm still watching. I'm not going to say a word because it appears your doing really well.

Keep up the good work. Don't think I've left you just because I'm quite..when I'm quite on your thread..it's a good thing..

my 2x4 is at the ready..
I understand Mike, I just assumed that you were too busy with your house and the wedding. Also there are alot of other people out there that need your help right now more than me.

Always appriciate your comments and advice.

Hope everything went well yesterday and I got your emails.

Thanks

Tim
Update from last night,

Just as my S and I were leaving to go play mini golf my FIL stops by. I invited him to come along. He tells me he is here to weed the garden. I said the weeds can wait come spend time with your grandson. He says I don't have any money and I do not want to intrude on father/son time. This is like pulling teeth. I told him I will pay and my S and I would enjoy having him spend time with us.

All three of us went and played mini golf and I bought ice cream after. All had a great time. Got home about 9:30 and went on the internet. W got home about 11:30 asked why I was still up and on the computer. Told her I was just surfing the net. She is wondering what sites I am surfing so late. I told her just news sites and stuff thats all. Need to be more careful last thing I need is for her to find this site.

We went to bed talked till after midnight about our evening and I fell asleep with her spooning up against me.

Got a good night sleep and when I woke up I snuggled up to her. Know I should not have but I really felt connected with her this morning. Got up and she came down shortly after. Saw that I was eating breakfast and said jokingly "I guess this means your not making breakfast for us, thats not right". (I have always done the cooking at night and in the mornings on weekends, I enjoy it) I said I told you I had to go into work early this morning to fix my job that the engineer had made some comments on. She just smiled and I said goodby.

I am off to a seminar on Monday and Tuesday without a laptop so this might be my last post till Wednesday. Hope all is well with everybody till then unless the hotel I am at has computers I can use.
Sunday Update,

Got home from work and the W was a little on edge not really sure why but seemed stressed. She had been making food for dinner with her parents and sister tonight. I helped her finish up and did the dishes. Then I went out and did some yard work. Showered, packed for my trip and then sat down for a couple of minuets with W.

Made dinner for IL and the W and I ate outside while everyone else was inside. She got us some drinks and I asked what was wrong you seem out of it. She said she felt overwhelmed and did not want to be around anyone. Not me and the kids but her family but we always do this on Sunday and she felt she had to. I listened to her and told her I understand. After dinner I cleaned up and we played Texas-Hold’em. Ended up between me and W and I took her out on the river card. Then I packed the car and left. We both said goodby, she told me to drive safely. No hugs or anything but that is where we have been at for quite a while now. Didn’t expect it just pointing it out.
Monday got up and texted the W Good Morning and to have a good day never did this before but thought I would give it a try. Did not get anything back from her, wont do that again. Spent all day in a seminar. W calls about 11:00 and leaves me a message asking how it was going and if she needed to pick up my drawings from the engineer. Called her back and left her a message saying it was going fine and that they were not ready to be picked up yet. W calls again about 6:00, I’m at dinner she leaves me a message telling me she is taking S to scouts and to give her a call later. I was figuring on calling after 8 because everyone would be home at that time and I could talk to all of them at once. W calls again at 7:20, I answer and she asks kinda jokingly “aren’t you going to call your family”. I tell her we were at dinner and I was planning on calling after 8. She said ok and we talked for a couple on minuets. I call her after 8 and talk to my S who had a counsel review meeting to advance to Second Class. Asked him how it went and how his day was. Then he gave the phone to my W and we talked about how things went at scouts and her day and everything and that I will be home tomorrow but will play in my golf league first. Told her to have a good night and she said you too.

Went to room changed and then hung out at the pool with all the other people who were at the seminar. Nothing like free food and drinks all night
Posted By: poet Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance - 07/30/08 04:49 PM
Hi D,

My first impression about your last post was this: You W asked you about "calling your family," because she 'wanted' you to and became impatient. This happens to me all the time. Take it from an 'expert' caller. ;\)

s
Tuesday another day in the Seminar. Did not text my W in the morning. W called about 11:00 and left a message asking how my seminar was going and that she would not be able to pick up the drawings. Called her back left message saying that would be fine I will get them and will be home around 6:30.

Played golf, hit the ball really well if I could just hit the green on my approach shot I might be able to knock a bunch of strokes off my game. Anyway did well and the guys I played with bought me a beer because I surpassed my quota for the first time. AAAHHH free beer again.

Got home W and SIL were there ate dinner and talked a little to W. Then I went picked D up at the pool took her to pick up her friend and brought them back to my house. Made a bunch of phone calls to my S scout council to get some answers to questions the W had. Then she went to the gym. She got home after 10, I was tried said goodnight and went to bed. Did not really get to talk much to my W about anything.

The only question is how come when I’m away she calls and calls and seems to miss me but when I get home it the same old same old. I feel she is feeling much closer to me because of the phone calls but then when we are together its hard for her to move forward. Just thinking out loud here. I am in a good place everything was good just seems strange that’s all.
Originally Posted By: Suzanne1
Hi D,

My first impression about your last post was this: You W asked you about "calling your family," because she 'wanted' you to and became impatient. This happens to me all the time. Take it from an 'expert' caller. ;\)

s


I understand that and I apologized for not calling her back as soon as I got the message but I also told her I was waiting till after 8 so I could talk to everyone at the same time. I had my phone off during dinner because I think it is rude to not give the people I am dining with my full attention. I guess next time I will call her back right after dinner then call again later if I know one or both of my kids will not be there.

I am not use to her being so impatient when I go away. There were times I would go for a weekend to my brothers that she has never called so getting this many phone calls in such a short time is new. I like it but I will need to be more sesitive to her from now on.

Thanks for pointing this out to me.
Tim, a few observations if I may..

First you say she was stressed about the family get together on Sunday? Do you think she may have been stressed because you were leaving for the seminar?? She seems to miss you when she has space. She's making lots of contact when you're away. She's doing you favors by picking things up for your new business.

It seems you have both been running around busy since you got back. Do you know your W's LL?? Have any idea what it may be?? Could it be Quality Time?

I still see many positives..keep doing what your doing. Don;t make changes right now but really observe your W..watch for her reactions when you are home.
Posted By: poet Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance - 07/30/08 05:34 PM
No D,

I'm sorry if I did not make myself clear enough. I should have added that you are doing the right thing, and to keep it up. Sometimes, my communications skills are not the greatest. Please forgive me. I really, really meant that she was doing what you wanted her to do. I'm probably out-of-place visiting your thread. sorry.

((((((hugs)))))
s
Quote:
Played golf, hit the ball really well if I could just hit the green on my approach shot I might be able to knock a bunch of strokes off my game.


It's something basic, check your alignment. make sure your knees, feet and shoulders are lined up on your target line. Go to the range, lay clubs on the ground..
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Quote:
Played golf, hit the ball really well if I could just hit the green on my approach shot I might be able to knock a bunch of strokes off my game.


It's something basic, check your alignment. make sure your knees, feet and shoulders are lined up on your target line. Go to the range, lay clubs on the ground..


Thanks Mike, I have not been able to get to a driving range lately. I have been so focused on the business and hitting the ball consistantly that I was not working on my accuracy. Thanks for the tips.
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Tim, a few observations if I may..

First you say she was stressed about the family get together on Sunday? Do you think she may have been stressed because you were leaving for the seminar?? She seems to miss you when she has space. She's making lots of contact when you're away. She's doing you favors by picking things up for your new business.

It seems you have both been running around busy since you got back. Do you know your W's LL?? Have any idea what it may be?? Could it be Quality Time?

I still see many positives..keep doing what your doing. Don;t make changes right now but really observe your W..watch for her reactions when you are home.


I need to get to the book store and get The 5 LL book.

You my be right about her being stressed because I was leaving its hard to tell. She snuggled with me on Friday & Saturday something she has not done in quite a while. Also she was fine when I went to work in the morning.

When I got home she had gone to the grocery store, made a pasta salad, made and ice cream cake and was in the process of making a peach tart and biscotte so she was quite busy. I helped her with the tart and then she made banana bread. That is why I did the dishes and then she went and relaxed and I went outside to do yard work.

It could be a combination of both but I do like the idea that she was stressed because I was leaving. I never thought about that.

Thanks.
Originally Posted By: poet
No D,

I'm sorry if I did not make myself clear enough. I should have added that you are doing the right thing, and to keep it up. Sometimes, my communications skills are not the greatest. Please forgive me. I really, really meant that she was doing what you wanted her to do. I'm probably out-of-place visiting your thread. sorry.

((((((hugs)))))
s

.
Do not apologize for your comment and you are not out of line for visiting my thread. I appriciate any comment or advice or 2x4 that anybody wants to throw my way. Please do not feel that I was upset, I just did not look at it from that POV and I was just trying to explain why I did not call her back.

Sometimes I am a little blunt in my postings and I am sorry if I made you feel unwelcome.

Feel free to read and comment on my thread anytime. All are welcome.

Tim
Posted By: poet Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance - 07/30/08 07:28 PM
And your POV was perfectly reasonable from my understanding as well. ;\)

Was just making sure we were on the same page and did not want you to think/feel that it was a reprimand of any kind. Thanks for your feedback.

hugs,
poet
Hi Distressed. Nothing to say except hello. \:\)

ken
Quote:
I need to get to the book store and get The 5 LL book.


A very good book. Fast and easy read. If you can hit her LL it would be really good. I really liked that book and you will too..
I picked up that book two weeks ago and just started reading it the other night. I've heard alot of good things about it. I need to figure out my wife's LL.

Ken
Bridgestone told me about it a while ago. I am still reading two other relationship books and will get that one next. You would think I could get to the book store since it is right across the street from my office.
I have a question for any ladies out there.

My W has a gym at her work. She is on a cycle of starting to go does it for about three to six months then stops for a couple of months and then starts back up. Yesterday she went back and meet with a fitness person who did a BMI on her and of course she comes home and starts complaining that she if fat and ovrweight. My normal respoce is no your not, your beautiful, etc. She responds by either giving me a yea right look or a half hearted thank you but I am.

Yesterday I just listen, did not agree or try and dispute what she was saying. And let her just talk till she changed the subject to something else.

My question is, how do I as a DAM respond to these no win questions. "Do you think these make me look fat" or "I'm fat and need to lose weight". I know this is a touchy subject for women and I cannot find a good reponce that keeps me out of trouble. Any help would be nice.
Got question sir, I await the ladies response !!!
OK, I'll bite.

Positive responses are always welcome to our ears. If she states she is fat, try not to tell her she's not. That feels like you're discounting her statement (it may very well be how she feels at the moment). 'You're not fat' can feel like 'you don't know what you're talking about'. Instead, express your opinion - 'I think you look great'. Everyone's entitled to their opinion, right?

'Is there anything I can do to help?' is also a good response. She's complaining about her weight, can you help by helping her eat better at home? Can you, as a family, take a walk in the evening?

Even though we may seem to blow off a positive response, we still hear it. And it makes a difference, believe me.

It's all good!

AO
Alpha,

So even though she gives me a yea right look after I say she looks beautiful, I should accept that she does not feel good about herself at that moment and she hears what I am saying and that this positive responce will make her feel better later but right now it will be blown off. Basicly nothing I do or say at this moment will make her feel better, correct?

We use to walk alot in the spring but it has gotten so busy in the last couple of months we have not gone in a while. I would like to get back to doing it because it is quality alone time with her.

Thanks for your responce. I need a womans perspective because I want to say lets do this or that but I know that will not go over well with her. Validate not fix.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67

So even though she gives me a yea right look after I say she looks beautiful, I should accept that she does not feel good about herself at that moment and she hears what I am saying and that this positive responce will make her feel better later but right now it will be blown off. Basicly nothing I do or say at this moment will make her feel better, correct?


You don't know that. As you say things you are looking for a reaction - you may not get one at the moment. However, later she could be thinking of the situation and your response, your support is important regardless of what she is projecting. I say stick to positive, truthful things. Don't go overboard. You can't fix this, only she can. I really wish your W would talk to someone (and not OM).

Quote:
We use to walk alot in the spring but it has gotten so busy in the last couple of months we have not gone in a while. I would like to get back to doing it because it is quality alone time with her.


Invite her to walk. If she doesn't want to, you go. In time hopefully she will join you.

Quote:
Thanks for your responce. I need a womans perspective because I want to say lets do this or that but I know that will not go over well with her. Validate not fix.


Take a deep breath and relax. You don't have to stay on top of this every minute - sometimes a response may require a little time. Be consistent. Be who you are - nothing is more attractive than a happy, confident man who is at peace with himself.

AO
Thanks AO,

Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62

You don't know that. As you say things you are looking for a reaction - you may not get one at the moment. However, later she could be thinking of the situation and your response, your support is important regardless of what she is projecting. I say stick to positive, truthful things. Don't go overboard. You can't fix this, only she can. I really wish your W would talk to someone (and not OM).



I do not think she is talking to him any more. I think she realized after our last R talk that she was having an EA with him and I hope has ended it. She put some distance between me and her after that talk but lately she has been moving closer. Atleast that is how I feel.


Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62

Invite her to walk. If she doesn't want to, you go. In time hopefully she will join you.



As for the walking neither of us has been doing it because of all the stuff that needs to be done around the house. We do sit on the deck and spend time together we just do not get out and exercise while doing it.



Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62

Take a deep breath and relax. You don't have to stay on top of this every minute - sometimes a response may require a little time. Be consistent. Be who you are - nothing is more attractive than a happy, confident man who is at peace with himself.

AO


I am being myself and think I have found how to make myself happy and be more confident. There are just some things that she says that are traps for me. I try and reassure her but it does not seem to help. The I'm overweight thing is a big one and with me being logical and saying "then lets walk more, or you should go to the gym more or your beautiful to me" just seems to not be the right responce. I'm straight forward if you think your overwight diet and exersice plain ans simpile right.

But with everything I have read this is not what she wants to hear so I just wanted another women to give me a responce that they would be looking for from their man in that situation.

I do appriciate your help and I know there are many of us DAM's out there that need a good tactic for handeling these types of questions.

Thanks again.
Posted By: KenF Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance - 08/01/08 03:58 PM
Distressed and Alpha,
thanks for this last piece of thread. My W said the same thing this morning, 'she's feeling fat'. i told her i thought she was doing good and still losing weight.

normally i would say 'No sweety, you look good.' - not realizing i was actually contradicting her.

thats always a tough spot to be in for a guy. its seems like such a loaded question.

the tip about taking a walk is great. gonna try that one out tonight.

please keep up the discussion, i'm going to hang out here for while and keep learning.
Hi All, I see I have found the thread of The Meeting of the Mens Minds!! A very good thread!! M from Tennessee - I love your quotes!! Well, I'm here to answer the "fat female question". Although, I'm not sure I will be much help. I do agree with AO. I had gained 10 or 15lbs. My H always said he still loved my body or said that I was cute. I probably had that look as well of - thanks, but I don't believe you. I think that is probably the best response to give (what AO said). I myself didnt hold it against my H. (We both had gained weight & both started eating smaller portions). When my M started falling apart, I didnt realize my self-esteem was as well (& maybe at the center of it). I have since lost the weight & self esteem is back - for the most part. But I realized that no one could help fix my self esteem but ME. I have a friend, that always says she is fat. She does need to lose weight - but I don't tell her that. I say nothing. I read someplace many years ago - that when someone says they are fat - they are looking for you to say - no youre not. (To validate). With a S it definately is a difficult situation. I say she probably stopped working out because we all want instant results. We all know it doesn't happen that way. I say support her & encourage, when it feels right. Try a small compliment or encouragement first.

I don't know how to do this quote thing but what is this LL book .. you are talking about???

Ok a man question for you. Why are petite (short) women like me called cute & not beautiful??? I know compliment is a compliment & I should be happy to get one - right!!!! ;\)
Posted By: Coach Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance - 08/02/08 09:44 PM
Cute vs Beautiful
Cute - think Meg Ryan or your buddies kid sister. I do think the height has a lot to do with it, plus you probably look young. Maybe short haircut and turnd up nose perhaps?
Beautiful - statueesque - implies the height thing, longer flowing hair, mature.
Plus what's on the inside matters. A smile and look of confidence go a long way.
Coach - I think you are peeking my window!!! Thanks, for your cute definition - to the T - that's me - with a dash of sarcsm. Turned up nose, sounds a little Loius Prima to me. \:\)
Quote:
don't know how to do this quote thing but what is this LL book .. you are talking about???


The 5 love languages.

thanks for the compliment. I appreciate it.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
I have a question for any ladies out there.

My W has a gym at her work. She is on a cycle of starting to go does it for about three to six months then stops for a couple of months and then starts back up. Yesterday she went back and meet with a fitness person who did a BMI on her and of course she comes home and starts complaining that she if fat and ovrweight. My normal respoce is no your not, your beautiful, etc. She responds by either giving me a yea right look or a half hearted thank you but I am.

Yesterday I just listen, did not agree or try and dispute what she was saying. And let her just talk till she changed the subject to something else.

My question is, how do I as a DAM respond to these no win questions. "Do you think these make me look fat" or "I'm fat and need to lose weight". I know this is a touchy subject for women and I cannot find a good reponce that keeps me out of trouble. Any help would be nice.


You are totally right, this is a no win situation. "Do you think these make me look fat" your answer always has to be "No sweetheart, you look great". She says, "I'm fat & need to lose weight" you say "not in my opinion". If you stay quiet & don't disagree, you're digging your own grave. \:\)

If you try "baby I love every inch of you" she hears, he thinks I'm fat. "I love how you look", she hears, he thinks I'm fat & doesn't want to hurt my feelings. "you look gorgeous to me" she hears, maybe I'm not gorgeous to other men, just my H.

You could try "what did your personal trainer say" or stay with facts "what is your bmi"

Then there's the positive aspect...."you're thinner than when you were pregnant". \:\)

So, if you make any comment about anything she is eating, you're in the doghouse. LOL If you offer her to serve her ice cream, she realizes that you are okay with how she looks. Just keep offering ice cream, & telling her she's beautiful. lol
Distressed, just stopping in to see how you are doing. Great question about the 'do I look fat' thing.

I love smartcookies response:

Honey, do I look fat in these pants?
Here, have some ice cream.
But ice cream is fattening.
You look beautiful, have some ice cream.
But....
Have some freeking ice cream already!

LOL

Ken
Originally Posted By: MsMelancoly
Hi All, I see I have found the thread of The Meeting of the Mens Minds!! A very good thread!! M from Tennessee - I love your quotes!! Well, I'm here to answer the "fat female question". Although, I'm not sure I will be much help. I do agree with AO. I had gained 10 or 15lbs. My H always said he still loved my body or said that I was cute. I probably had that look as well of - thanks, but I don't believe you. I think that is probably the best response to give (what AO said). I myself didnt hold it against my H. (We both had gained weight & both started eating smaller portions). When my M started falling apart, I didnt realize my self-esteem was as well (& maybe at the center of it). I have since lost the weight & self esteem is back - for the most part. But I realized that no one could help fix my self esteem but ME. I have a friend, that always says she is fat. She does need to lose weight - but I don't tell her that. I say nothing. I read someplace many years ago - that when someone says they are fat - they are looking for you to say - no youre not. (To validate). With a S it definately is a difficult situation. I say she probably stopped working out because we all want instant results. We all know it doesn't happen that way. I say support her & encourage, when it feels right. Try a small compliment or encouragement first.



My W and I both gained weight since we married of course, I just got off the stress/ emotional roller coaster diet and lost over 20 lbs on it. Not the greatest diet but effective. \:\) But I know she wants to lose weight when she mentioned it on Saturday I suggested that we do some of the exercises at home this way she can work on her problem areas and I can work on mine together. I thought this was a good way to say I undertand your feelings on this and I support you.


Originally Posted By: MsMelancoly

I don't know how to do this quote thing but what is this LL book .. you are talking about???



Damn, MFT beat me too it again.


Originally Posted By: MsMelancoly

Ok a man question for you. Why are petite (short) women like me called cute & not beautiful??? I know compliment is a compliment & I should be happy to get one - right!!!! ;\)


I will get back to you on this one.

Thanks for your imput I really like different opinions so I have choices next time she askes.
Originally Posted By: Coach
Cute vs Beautiful
Cute - think Meg Ryan or your buddies kid sister. I do think the height has a lot to do with it, plus you probably look young. Maybe short haircut and turnd up nose perhaps?
Beautiful - statueesque - implies the height thing, longer flowing hair, mature.
Plus what's on the inside matters. A smile and look of confidence go a long way.


I have to agree except I would have to go with Christy Brinkley when I think cute.
Originally Posted By: smartcookie

You are totally right, this is a no win situation. "Do you think these make me look fat" your answer always has to be "No sweetheart, you look great". She says, "I'm fat & need to lose weight" you say "not in my opinion". If you stay quiet & don't disagree, you're digging your own grave. \:\)



You are right SC I was hoping you would help out here. I just needed to be sure I was doing it right and with three ladies saying the same thing I will continue to disagree.

Thanks all.

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

If you try "baby I love every inch of you" she hears, he thinks I'm fat. "I love how you look", she hears, he thinks I'm fat & doesn't want to hurt my feelings. "you look gorgeous to me" she hears, maybe I'm not gorgeous to other men, just my H.

You could try "what did your personal trainer say" or stay with facts "what is your bmi"



You are correct on all of these responces and I did not ask what her BMI was that to me is like asking a women her age or weight. Not even going there.


Originally Posted By: smartcookie

Then there's the positive aspect...."you're thinner than when you were pregnant". \:\)



I'm trying to save my M not have myself put in traction at the local hospital for being ran over by my W in a car.


Originally Posted By: smartcookie

So, if you make any comment about anything she is eating, you're in the doghouse. LOL If you offer her to serve her ice cream, she realizes that you are okay with how she looks. Just keep offering ice cream, & telling her she's beautiful. lol


She is very good about what the whole family eats and yes I would never ever comment on anything she eats. Learned that a long, long time a ago.

Thanks again SC. Have not been over to your sitch for quite a while too hard to follow with all the people that post. Do have one question. How did the letter to your father go? Did you get a responce or is he gone for good now? Hopefully the latter for you.

Take care

Tim
How about turning the "fat" question around? I know, ok, I'm guessing, that a man would never make an issues out of gaining weight that women do. But, if you men said to your W the same thing (am I fat, do these pants make me look fat) - what would she say & would a man think its a genuine statement?

I will say "bravo" - to my H who said he loved my body - even when I did gain weight. Thinking about it more, I probably did give him that look - but deep down inside, I did believe him. In a way he was saying (or atleast I think he's saying), I know you don't have the "movie star" body, ya never did, ya never will (& I know I never did nor ever will - honestly - I do) and that's not so important to me, I love you all of you. Ah, maybe I'm grasping at straws.
Posted By: poet Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance - 08/03/08 07:49 PM
\:D
"(am I fat, do these pants make me look fat) - what would she say & would a man think its a genuine statement?" \:D

\:D "If you try "baby I love every inch of you" she hears, he thinks I'm fat. "I love how you look", she hears, he thinks I'm fat & doesn't want to hurt my feelings. "you look gorgeous to me" she hears, maybe I'm not gorgeous to other men, just my H." \:D

Ha ha ha,

I just had to laugh at this one! Somebody's in a good mood. Thanks for the laugh.

poet
Originally Posted By: MsMelancoly
How about turning the "fat" question around? I know, ok, I'm guessing, that a man would never make an issues out of gaining weight that women do. But, if you men said to your W the same thing (am I fat, do these pants make me look fat) - what would she say & would a man think its a genuine statement?



There was a beer comercial out a while back that had three men standing around and one of them asked the other two if these jeans mad him look fat. A beer can fell on him. I can only say that I for one have never asked if I looked fat in something, if I have to ask I already know the answer so why ask it. I guess that is why us men are so confused by this question. You already know the answer to the question and nothing we say will change your mind so why put us in that position.

Originally Posted By: MsMelancoly

I will say "bravo" - to my H who said he loved my body - even when I did gain weight. Thinking about it more, I probably did give him that look - but deep down inside, I did believe him. In a way he was saying (or atleast I think he's saying), I know you don't have the "movie star" body, ya never did, ya never will (& I know I never did nor ever will - honestly - I do) and that's not so important to me, I love you all of you. Ah, maybe I'm grasping at straws.


I love my wife, she does not have the body of a supermodel either but that is not why I love her or married her. I have never and never would complain about her weight it does not matter to me. She is just as beautiful to me as she was when I met her even thou she has put on a few pounds. I'm not that shallow. I just don't like being put between a rock and a hard spot and then having her mad at me because I did not respond correctly.

Thanks everyone for your help. It has been insightful to say the least.
Originally Posted By: poet
\:D
"(am I fat, do these pants make me look fat) - what would she say & would a man think its a genuine statement?" \:D

\:D "If you try "baby I love every inch of you" she hears, he thinks I'm fat. "I love how you look", she hears, he thinks I'm fat & doesn't want to hurt my feelings. "you look gorgeous to me" she hears, maybe I'm not gorgeous to other men, just my H." \:D

Ha ha ha,

I just had to laugh at this one! Somebody's in a good mood. Thanks for the laugh.

poet


Glad you got a laught out of it Poet. I have read all of your first thread and I'm half way thru the second. Wow you have had a hard marriage. Keep going I think you are doing great so far.
Posted By: poet Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance - 08/03/08 08:29 PM
"You already know the answer to the question and nothing we say will change your mind so why put us in that position."

Hi Distressed,

It's me again. I'm chuckling here, hopefully you understand that I am smiling WITH you this time. And, I have to say, your comment here made me think of this: Women don't really TRY to put men in "...that position" intentionally. Sometimes they are only looking for reassurance that you love them. I know you're getting a lot of positive advice here, and I'm not really sure I can add much to it, but have you tried...

Just walking up to her and putting your arms around her and saying. OMG, I LOVE you more the all the rivers in the world could ever flow into one space at one time.

((((((D)))))))




Oops, I just now read your post to me. I didn't even see it until after I answered. I'm amazed you are reading my thread. Wow, it's a lot. Thank you. Yes, I have had a hard marriage and that is the real reason, I believe, H wants the D. Sad to say, I'm probably most to blame. \:\(
Posted By: Coach Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance - 08/03/08 08:35 PM
Quote:
I can only say that I for one have never asked if I looked fat in something, if I have to ask I already know the answer so why ask it. I guess that is why us men are so confused by this question. You already know the answer to the question and nothing we say will change your mind so why put us in that position.

The reason you would never ask a guy is because he would say, "Yeah but it's not the pants and that shirt really makes you look like a dweeb." You bust his chops back, nobodies feelings get hurt and you order another beer. Man rules.
Quote:
I can only say that I for one have never asked if I looked fat in something, if I have to ask I already know the answer so why ask it. I guess that is why us men are so confused by this question. You already know the answer to the question and nothing we say will change your mind so why put us in that position.


From a female perspective, I couldn't agree with you more. I've always preferred more direct communication and if I'm having a bad moment will admit it. If you want honesty in a R then don't ask questions that you're not ready to hear the honest answer to. And appreciate the answer you receive.

Quote:
Sometimes they are only looking for reassurance that you love them.


To me, there are much safer ways of getting that reassurance. But I'm basing that on my own personal experience.

AO
Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
I can only say that I for one have never asked if I looked fat in something, if I have to ask I already know the answer so why ask it. I guess that is why us men are so confused by this question. You already know the answer to the question and nothing we say will change your mind so why put us in that position.

The reason you would never ask a guy is because he would say, "Yeah but it's not the pants and that shirt really makes you look like a dweeb." You bust his chops back, nobodies feelings get hurt and you order another beer. Man rules.


That is correct and if we ever do piss another man off it is forgotten the next day.

Women on the other hand hold onto it like a prized piece of jewlery and let it fester and then after a couple of days when you have forgotten all about it they are like aren't you going to say your sorry. We give then that " for what" comment and now its a full blown fight. We ought to just say sorry right off the bat because we will in the end anyway.
Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62

From a female perspective, I couldn't agree with you more. I've always preferred more direct communication and if I'm having a bad moment will admit it. If you want honesty in a R then don't ask questions that you're not ready to hear the honest answer to. And appreciate the answer you receive.



You are a rare woman because all that I know do not like a direct answer. They do not ask direct questions. Most talk in circles until you can find out what they want. Unfortunately us men do not like circles if you ask us a question we answer that question we don't hunt around until we find the real question.

If my W wants her car washed instead of saying "Please wash my car" it is "my car is dirty" or "one of these days I need to get my car washed." Sorry got off the subject a little but I prefer your way ask me what you want and don't get offended when I give you my honest opinion or don't do what you really want.


Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62

Sometimes they are only looking for reassurance that you love them.


To me, there are much safer ways of getting that reassurance. But I'm basing that on my own personal experience.

AO [/quote]

I agree a simple "do you love me" will surface.

Originally Posted By: poet

Oops, I just now read your post to me. I didn't even see it until after I answered. I'm amazed you are reading my thread. Wow, it's a lot. Thank you. Yes, I have had a hard marriage and that is the real reason, I believe, H wants the D. Sad to say, I'm probably most to blame. \:\(


From what I read you are not mostly to blame for your sitch. It will take me a little while longer to get thru it all but the way your H went about it and from what happened to you when you were younger I am amazed at how strong of a person you are.

Keep it up you are doing great.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67

I'm trying to save my M not have myself put in traction at the local hospital for being ran over by my W in a car.


ROFL


Originally Posted By: distressed67
She is very good about what the whole family eats and yes I would never ever comment on anything she eats. Learned that a long, long time a ago.


Ah, smart man !!

Originally Posted By: distressed67
Thanks again SC. Have not been over to your sitch for quite a while too hard to follow with all the people that post. Do have one question. How did the letter to your father go? Did you get a responce or is he gone for good now? Hopefully the latter for you.

Take care

Tim


Tim,

I didn't do the letter yet. I suppose it just hits a raw spot, & I'm not ready to face it. Take care yourself, thanks for the laughs tonight. lol
Just my 2 cents here, & a hijack....sorry Tim, it's late, & I'm getting goofy.

Men don't ask if they're fat because they're in denial. lol

Society teaches that a womans value increases with her appearance. No wonder we need constant reassurance. I do have the body of a model, & still want compliments. ;\)

Man rules are totally confusing to women. Like...why do guys laugh when another guy gets hurt ?

Women with healthy self-esteem want direct communication, & can say things like..."please wash my car", or "I'd like to make love". Women with esteem or self-worth issues go in circles to get to their point because they fear rejection & denial. Women with healthy assertiveness don't need to hold onto things & wait for them to fester & blow. Women with healthy assertiveness handle things quickly, without strong emotional outburst, & don't take things personally.

Men should always apologize. ;\)

"Do you love me?" is a frightening question for a lot of people. That's why in a healthy relationship we should tell them we love them, every single day. So they don't need to wonder or ask.
Thanks to all the ladies out there your input and help is greatly appriciated.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Thanks to all the ladies out there your input and help is greatly appriciated.


Tim..JMO, you can't win no matter how you answer. It's best to always tell her that she looks good. Of course I think it's always better if you can show them that they are beautiful instead of saying it.
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
It's best to always tell her that she looks good. Of course I think it's always better if you can show them that they are beautiful instead of saying it.


How do you show someone they're beautiful?

AO
Quote:
How do you show someone they're beautiful?


hey Tim, I'm answering a question here. You're in a good place. Stay the course.

I think you show her by being her best friend. I think you show her by "giving her the look". Now when I say "give her the look" I'm not talking about the 'sex look"..I'm talking about the look Tim gave his wife when he saw her coming down the aisle. Tim knows the look, his wife knows the look. He did not say a word, she took his breath away. Tim's heart skipped a beat. Some of US get so sappy that we even shed tears. It's the same look Tim has given her before, maybe at a dinner party or special occasion when she was across the room from him and he could not take his eyes off her. He may have told her both times that she looked beautiful, but she knew it even before he said it because he had given her the look that said, "you're beautiful" That's how he shows it. She sees it, it makes her feel good.

There are other actions that show her she's beautiful but would be considered pressure at the moment. Tim does not need to pressure so I won't mention them.

I don't consider "the look" as pressure.
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Quote:
How do you show someone they're beautiful?


hey Tim, I'm answering a question here. You're in a good place. Stay the course.

I think you show her by being her best friend. I think you show her by "giving her the look". Now when I say "give her the look" I'm not talking about the 'sex look"..I'm talking about the look Tim gave his wife when he saw her coming down the aisle. Tim knows the look, his wife knows the look. He did not say a word, she took his breath away. Tim's heart skipped a beat. Some of US get so sappy that we even shed tears. It's the same look Tim has given her before, maybe at a dinner party or special occasion when she was across the room from him and he could not take his eyes off her. He may have told her both times that she looked beautiful, but she knew it even before he said it because he had given her the look that said, "you're beautiful" That's how he shows it. She sees it, it makes her feel good.

There are other actions that show her she's beautiful but would be considered pressure at the moment. Tim does not need to pressure so I won't mention them.

I don't consider "the look" as pressure.



Sorry for asking that question, I'm feeling it was inappropriate. It was not my intention to make things uncomfortable.

AO
I don't think it was inappropriate. I don't think the answer was either. Tim knows what I'm saying. If he does not then he will tell me, I'm sure.
M,

I asked the question of you and your answer was based on Tim's M. You made the statement and I was just curious as to how you interpreted showing a woman she's beautiful.

You mentioned he was on a good course so you'd answer for him and he does not need pressure ATM. I took that as presenting an awkward question.

Just clarifying where I'm coming from. Thanks for your response to me.

AO
Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62
M,

I asked the question of you and your answer was based on Tim's M. You made the statement and I was just curious as to how you interpreted showing a woman she's beautiful.

You mentioned he was on a good course so you'd answer for him and he does not need pressure ATM. I took that as presenting an awkward question.

Just clarifying where I'm coming from. Thanks for your response to me.

AO



Yes, I see.. I'm sorry. I did use Tim's M. I should have used mine. That was me. That was how I felt. That was my interpretation of showing a woman. I feel he is on a good course. It's not that he does not need pressure, it's that he does not need "to pressure" at the moment..You did nothing wrong. My explaination was wrong since I used Tim's M as an example.

The reason I said what I said about pressure is sometimes we try to push when we really should not. It's a man thing. I did not want Tim to read what I posted and think that's what he needed to do.

I attempted to answer a question and made a mess of it. Sorry for that AO and Tim I'm sorry I used your M as an example.
Mike,

That is fine no need to appologize. I understand exactly what you are saying. I have that picture of my W at the wedding in May on my computer and look at her and think how beautiful she is to me. When I see her in person I give her a smile and hope she smiles back because it make me feel good.

So I understand exactly what look you are talking about.
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
Just my 2 cents here, & a hijack....sorry Tim, it's late, & I'm getting goofy.

Men don't ask if they're fat because they're in denial. lol



No were not in denial, we know if we are fat, we just do not ask a question we do not want our W to answer. They just might tell us.


Originally Posted By: smartcookie

Society teaches that a womans value increases with her appearance. No wonder we need constant reassurance. I do have the body of a model, & still want compliments. ;\)



......, sorry just picturing a model with a plumbing snake in her hand...........ok moving on here.


Originally Posted By: smartcookie

Man rules are totally confusing to women. Like...why do guys laugh when another guy gets hurt ?



If we get hurt it is more than likely because we were doing something stupid. We are laughing at the stupid act and not the fact that we got hurt. Also it is our way of asking "are you ok" if the hurt person laughs we know they are fine if they don't we know they are really hurt. Its weird but it is our way of showing concern and the hurt person can get up deal with the pain without feeling self consious or show how much it hurt.

Originally Posted By: smartcookie

Women with healthy self-esteem want direct communication, & can say things like..."please wash my car", or "I'd like to make love". Women with esteem or self-worth issues go in circles to get to their point because they fear rejection & denial. Women with healthy assertiveness don't need to hold onto things & wait for them to fester & blow. Women with healthy assertiveness handle things quickly, without strong emotional outburst, & don't take things personally.



My W is so confident and independent but when it comes to asking for what she wants she does not. I have gotten much better at knowing the question she is really asking when she says something to me.


Originally Posted By: smartcookie

Men should always apologize. ;\)



I also learnd this a long time ago. Yesterday my W was getting a can out of the cabinets and dropped it on her foot. She stood up and hit me in the arm. I said " I'm sorry its my fault I was talking to you." She said "yea it is." It was a nice exchange. Plus it show she is getting more comfortable with me.


Originally Posted By: smartcookie

"Do you love me?" is a frightening question for a lot of people. That's why in a healthy relationship we should tell them we love them, every single day. So they don't need to wonder or ask.



It is frightning and if we ever do get our M back together I will tell her everyday and she will never have to wonder about my love for her again.
Originally Posted By: smartcookie

Tim,

I didn't do the letter yet. I suppose it just hits a raw spot, & I'm not ready to face it. Take care yourself, thanks for the laughs tonight. lol


Didn't mean to pry just was wondering how you were doing with reguards to this part of your life. I know it must be very difficult to deal with and wanted to make sure you were all right.

Take care

Tim
Posted By: Kenny Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance - 08/04/08 12:53 PM
[/quote]

It is frightning and if we ever do get our M back together I will tell her everyday and she will never have to wonder about my love for her again. [/quote]

Its strange in so many ways how life is different for us all. I never stopped telling my w that I loved her. It was my actions and her suspicions re my motives that built the resntment towards me.

Trying hard to match the actions to the words now so that they both convey the same feeling and ther can be no doubts.
Hi Tim,
Just stopping by to see your thread & sitch for abit.

Hope your day has some good things in it!
Peace
Bridge
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
Hi Tim,
Just stopping by to see your thread & sitch for abit.

Hope your day has some good things in it!
Peace
Bridge


Thanks Bridge,

Everything seems to be going smoothly. Hows everthing with you. You have not posted much so I hope all is well with you.

Thanks for asking.

Tim
Hey Tim, don't you think Mike & AO gave us all a really great example of clear communication. It's too bad most marriages can't work things through as simply & easily.
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
Hey Tim, don't you think Mike & AO gave us all a really great example of clear communication. It's too bad most marriages can't work things through as simply & easily.



Thanks for that. At least I have learned something over the last few months.
M,

You didn't make a mess of it. I'm glad you took the time to help me to understand.

You've learned a lot in the past few months - it's taken me a few years!

AO
Originally Posted By: Distressed67

No were not in denial, we know if we are fat, we just do not ask a question we do not want our W to answer. They just might tell us.


okay, now I'm wondering... Do men need reassurance ?


Originally Posted By: distressed67
......, sorry just picturing a model with a plumbing snake in her hand...........ok moving on here.


I did a lot of work for coca-cola, I have that all american girl (now woman) look, long layered blonde hair and green eyes. I never modeled with a plumbersnake. LOL


Originally Posted By: distressed67

If we get hurt it is more than likely because we were doing something stupid. We are laughing at the stupid act and not the fact that we got hurt. Also it is our way of asking "are you ok" if the hurt person laughs we know they are fine if they don't we know they are really hurt. Its weird but it is our way of showing concern and the hurt person can get up deal with the pain without feeling self consious or show how much it hurt.


you know what........that makes sense now. I get it. So, you guys laugh, at first, if the other guy doesn't then you know to call an ambulance ? lol


Originally Posted By: distressed67
My W is so confident and independent but when it comes to asking for what she wants she does not. I have gotten much better at knowing the question she is really asking when she says something to me.


It's great that you've gotten better at knowing. I still wonder why she doesn't ask ?

Originally Posted By: distressed67

I also learnd this a long time ago. Yesterday my W was getting a can out of the cabinets and dropped it on her foot. She stood up and hit me in the arm. I said " I'm sorry its my fault I was talking to you." She said "yea it is." It was a nice exchange. Plus it show she is getting more comfortable with me.


I never went quite that far, I guess I should. LOL Did you two used to tease & joke a lot ?

Originally Posted By: distressed67

It is frightning and if we ever do get our M back together I will tell her everyday and she will never have to wonder about my love for her again.


Cool, another one comes over to the right side. \:\)
Originally Posted By: Distressed67

Didn't mean to pry just was wondering how you were doing with reguards to this part of your life. I know it must be very difficult to deal with and wanted to make sure you were all right.

Take care

Tim


Prying, geez Dude (I have 3 boys & all I hear all day long is Dude this, Dude that) , I throw my whole life out here on the internet for you guys to see, don't worry about prying. \:\)

I appreciate you asking.

Hugs
Quote:
okay, now I'm wondering... Do men need reassurance ?


sure SC. I need reassurance. I think it's cool to be reassured that I'm doing things right, doing a good job. That I look good. Not all the time but occasionally.

I actually like "the look" better..LOL...my STBX had that "look" when we got married. She had that same type "look" when our D was born..I don't do a good job of describing it but it the look of "I love you" The ladies probably know what I'm talking about better than I can describe it.

Looks like I was wrong about my communication, maybe it still sucks. LOL..

anyway SC, yea..I need reassurance at times..LOL
Posted By: Coach Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance - 08/04/08 06:49 PM
Quote:
okay, now I'm wondering... Do men need reassurance ?

For me absoluteley. We married our wives to take care of them. We want to know we are doing that and that we are appreciated for our efforts. I don't need reassurance that my clothes look Ok but that I am a good and honorable man and that she respects me. It is human to doubt yourself. I am not looking for her to prove my worth but for approval in her mind. If she does not approve then I am not doing a good job as husband. I think this would be part of the chicken/egg dance.
Think of the animal kingdom and how birds show off their feathers to impress the female. We DAM also want to be noticed and told how great we are. What does the male bird get for his display?
Originally Posted By: smartcookie


okay, now I'm wondering... Do men need reassurance ?



Yes we do. I would really like my W to say I look good. We all need an ego boost now and again.


Originally Posted By: smartcookie

I did a lot of work for coca-cola, I have that all american girl (now woman) look, long layered blonde hair and green eyes. I never modeled with a plumbersnake. LOL



I just can't let that plumber snake go.


Originally Posted By: smartcookie

you know what........that makes sense now. I get it. So, you guys laugh, at first, if the other guy doesn't then you know to call an ambulance ? lol



Correct and it allows the person that did something really stupid to save face. Its all an ego thing for us. That is why if one of your sons gets hurt playing a sport or doing something stupid, I'm sure they don't, with other people around the last thing he wants is his mom to rush over and be all concerned and stuff. He will get more ribbing from that then anything.


Originally Posted By: smartcookie


It's great that you've gotten better at knowing. I still wonder why she doesn't ask ?



She told me once she is a peace maker. She trys to not rock the boat and if she asks and someone gets mad or says no then she does not like that. This is the main reason she never left me and the main reason I gave all the power of where the R goes from here to her. It is also why I told her I would not be upset or hold it against her if she decides its over.


Originally Posted By: smartcookie

I never went quite that far, I guess I should. LOL Did you two used to tease & joke a lot ?



Yes we did use to tease & joke alot like this. That is why I think she is getting more comfortable with me. It feels like old times when she does that.
Quick update.

I am going to my B this weekend to tube down the Potomic. My W is taking our son to the Dr.'s in Philadelphia on Friday and our D is going along. She is then going to D&B for dinner because my S loves it there. I have a golf outing Friday afternoon and then heading to DC.

My W and I are talking about her going to Philly when I got home from work and I said that "I am going to drive to DC right from my golf outing."

She says "Oh you are leaving on Friday?" I said to her "We are tubing Saturday morning and you and the kids wont be home till after 9pm since Philly is two hours away and I really was not planning on driving there in the morning."

She's like alright. It was that half hearted responce if you know what I mean. I guess she was thinking I would be home Friday night or something. Not sure why since she had mentioned possibly going to my dad's in NJ because I would not be home and they could go to the beach.

Just seemed odd. She has know for over a month that I was going and we have talked about it but not exactly when I was leaving. I just assumed that since she knew I was going to be gone all weekend and she had to go to Philly that she knew I was leaving Friday night. She seemed ok after it. It was just the strange way she reacted when I told her.

Opinions?
hey Tim, that is a little odd. any more interaction with her??
Mike,

We made dinner together then she and my D went to the movies. When they got home she helped my D start to clean her room, which is a pig sty. When I went to bed she said goodnight but we did not discuss this weekend at all after that.

I just got the feeling she was expecting me to be there Friday night. Not really sure why, whenever I have a guys weekend at my B I leave on Friday night. Maybe it is like last Sunday when she was all stressed out and you thought it was because I was leaving. Don't know and then it was back to normal after that it was just that "oh your leaving on Friday" comment that thru me off.
had you dicussed this at all with her prior to her making the comment? I guess I'm wondering if she may not have known or had forgotten?? She may be missing you. Would she have a reason that she needs you there on Friday?? just observe and see how she acts about all this.

I just went back up and read..may since you had not told her exactly when you were leaving it may have taken her by surprise a bit..
Your right I did not tell her when I was leaving and I don't see why she would need me there unless it is to let the dog out but her F or S could do that.

It was just that when we discussed her plans a couple of weeks ago and her possibly going to my dad's I just assumed that she knew I would go down Friday night. I will need to be more clear in the future.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
It was just that when we discussed her plans a couple of weeks ago and her possibly going to my dad's I just assumed that she knew I would go down Friday night. I will need to be more clear in the future.


Sounds like this is a regular gig and as you said before you always leave on a Friday night. Wonder why she thought this time should be different? It's worth asking about if you are puzzled. I have a bad memory so I tend to check with someone if they act surprised about my plans, hoping I didn't promise something then forgot.

I feel like I have to remind myself daily about being a better communicator.
AO
Posted By: Kenny Re: In a Holding Pattern Waiting for Clearance - 08/05/08 12:16 PM
I have found that for my own peace of mind I need to make sure that w knows exactly when I am available or not.

Assumptions about stuff in the past has led us here and I can no longer let them rule my life.

If w wants to talk or the kids need me then I want them to know I can be depended on. Its a definite in a world of moving sand that helps me keep focussed.

It might be right or not but it helps keep me sane. I dont generally go into a lot of detail about my movements when not with w and kids. Just enough that they know I am safe and ok.

Hope you are well and this helps
AO,

My B has season tickets to the Richmond race that I have gone down for twice a year for the last five years or so. Each time I have gone it has been on a Friday night. Tubing is something we are doing for the first time but I figured she knew I would leave Friday night.

I don't think she really cared before, she just wanted me gone. Now that I think things are improving she cares when I am going. I will have to make sure from here on out that I tell her exactly what my plans are and don't assume anything.

Maybe she will miss me, hopefully she will miss me.
Originally Posted By: Distressed67
Maybe she will miss me, hopefully she will miss me.


I hope so too. You are doing your best and I'm sure she sees it.

AO
Thanks Ao,

I appriciate you reading and commenting on my sitch. Advice and compliments really help.


Thanks again,

Tim
Quote:
It's worth asking about if you are puzzled.


I agree with AO. Do you think you could bring this up in casual conversation without it being turned into a relationship talk??
I have been thinking about asking her just need to ask it in a way that does not lead into a R talk.

She just called me to ask if I copied something for her and how my day was going and if I was busy. I told her what I was doing and that I was busy and then I asked what her day was going to be like. She has a meeting and had work to catch up on. I think she just called to hear my voice, she was in a hurry to get to a 9:00 meeting and she calles at 8:50 about nothing really. It always makes my day when she does that.

I thought about asking her about last night but I figured I could work it in tonight when we discuss the weekend. I want it to be somewhat natural and not a forced question, if you know what I mean.

Thanks Mike, AO and Kenny.

AO do you have a thread or what is your M sitch if you don't mind me asking.

Tim
Tim,

I have no thread, when I did it was in Surviving. M3 T4 no kids. I'm 46 XH 45, 2 years post D, he's remarried to OW who is 20 years younger than him. During M he had numerous EA/PA, refused MC, I gave up. So I'm a WAW. I suggested we separate and at that point he beelined for a D. He was just waiting until it was my idea, how sweet. My fault in the is I did not give him the attention he needed. When we met, I had a job that involved travel which he thought he could tolerate. He couldn't, didn't like being left alone that much. By the time I got a clue and quit he was already hooked up.

Anyways, not much to it. He moved to another state immediately so it's all good. Have fun in DC this weekend!

AO
Quote:
She has a meeting and had work to catch up on. I think she just called to hear my voice, she was in a hurry to get to a 9:00 meeting and she calles at 8:50 about nothing really. It always makes my day when she does that.

I thought about asking her about last night but I figured I could work it in tonight when we discuss the weekend. I want it to be somewhat natural and not a forced question, if you know what I mean.


hum..very interesting. You know what Tim, think a little more about this before bringing it up. It would be great if you got into a talk about the weekend and she just happened to lead into the convo about you leaving Friday. These type things can really be a fine line in these sitches. In my own situation If found it's sometimes hard to steer them away from R talks. Try to play it out in your head today..it helps to know what you will say ahead of time.
Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62
Tim,

I have no thread, when I did it was in Surviving. M3 T4 no kids. I'm 46 XH 45, 2 years post D, he's remarried to OW who is 20 years younger than him. During M he had numerous EA/PA, refused MC, I gave up. So I'm a WAW. I suggested we separate and at that point he beelined for a D. He was just waiting until it was my idea, how sweet. My fault in the is I did not give him the attention he needed. When we met, I had a job that involved travel which he thought he could tolerate. He couldn't, didn't like being left alone that much. By the time I got a clue and quit he was already hooked up.

Anyways, not much to it. He moved to another state immediately so it's all good. Have fun in DC this weekend!

AO


Sorry to hear that it must have been heart wrenching. I hope you are doing better now. He doesn't sound like a very nice person in my book.

Take care and thanks for all your input.

Tim
All of our situations have their challenges.

It's all good now.



AO
Tim, just popping in to say hi. I wouldn't say anything about the comment. She may think you're overanalyzing her every word.

hugs
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