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Could not resist the Navy reference!

Here is the locked thread--
Thread 1

WOW! My thread locked up really really fast!

We are getting ready to head out to a church service in the park and a picnic after it. I really wanted to invite H, but, as my astute friends here pointed out, right now would not be a good time for me to initiate family activities. Perhaps the kids will ask him to go to the beach with us tomorrow and he will accept.

I am looking for some suggestions of good books on communication. I know this has been a big issue for the two of us and I want to start getting a handle on this area so I can try to open those doors.
Posted By: Kalni Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 05/26/08 08:20 PM
Hi SMW,

I am sorry if the links I posted got you emotional. None of us needs the extra emotion at this time. I read your first thread (quickly but all of it). I felt I had to tell you are doing great. I mean it. Granted all the emotions/difficulties/reality you sound like you are so much in control. I hope your H will come around as soon as possible (which is late anyway).

Take care
K
Well, my H has finally hurt the kids, but I have to be honest, I am concerned, too.

H did not call them yesterday and did not show up for visitation today. I tried to call his cell, but it went to voicemail. I left a message and took the kids out to my sister's for a cookout. He never called this evening, either. No missed calls, nothing. This is really not like him to do this and even my sister, as mad at him as she is, is also concerned.

If I do not hear anything tomorrow, I am going to call my inlaws and see if they have heard from him.

The kids are angry. H is supposed to have them this coming weekend. D8 asked if the water temperature was good could we go to the beach on Saturday. I reminded her taht it was Daddy's day, but maybe he would take her. In an incredibly nasty tone of voice she said, "yeah right, if he even showqs up." What am I supposed to say to something like that? I said well maybe he had to work or something. D16 mumbled under her breath for me not to cover up for him, to let them get mad at him. I am beginning to think she may be right. I just do not know.

But we had a good time at my sister's and the kids were exhausted when we got home. All are in bed and hopefully they will stay there with no bad dreams or night terrors.

I feel like Scarlett O'Hara--Tomorrow is another day.

SMW
Posted By: lovnlrn Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 05/28/08 02:12 AM
I hope for the kids' sake that he has a good excuse. I've talked to grown folk who say that that was one of the most upsetting things when they were kids and their parents divorced: not having the parent show up.

I'm glad you had a "back-up plan" in something that the kids enjoyed.
Well, H did not call during the time that he normally does this evening, either. HE usually calls the kids between 7 and 7:30. By 7:40, I have to admit that I was starting to get frantic that something had happened to him. This was compounded by the fact that I talked to my SIL, who spent the weekend at H's parents and he was not down there, either.

I called my FIL to see if anyone had talked to him recently. FIL said he had not talked to him since Weds or Thurs. Now I am really starting to panic, as the last time I talked to him was Saturday around 10 p.m. and the kids had not talked to him since Friday evening.

FIL offered to call H's phone when I told him that I had tried calling yesterday with no return call and I felt like he was avoiding taking calls from me--you know the big three I have made in a month, all having to do with something with the kids--money or visitation. The next ten minutes were nerve racking when suddenly the phone rang and it was H. Wanted to know if I had just called him? Said he did not check the call but when he saw the time thought it might have been me. I said no, it was probably his dad calling because I was worried about him. Asked why I didn't call if I was worried, told him I felt like I was bothering him if I called. Said no that was not the case. He went out of town over the weekend and did not get back in time for visitation and admits it was his mistake to not call and let them know he was not coming to get them. Apologized to all the kids when he talked to them. D8 is still PO'ed though.

We talked for about 15-20 minutes after he talked to the kids. H had a dental appointment today and the tooth would not numb, they had to give him pain medicine afterwards and he fell asleep when he got to where he is staying. He said he set his phone alarm but did not hear it.

Asked him what happeend on Monday. Said he was out of town and he should have called. I told him that the kids were devastated that he did not show, that D8 gave up plans for a pool party so she could be with him. Told him the kids deserved better or was he to the point that he just did not care what they wanted, only him? Said it was not what I was thinking and that he really felt bad about it.

Said he would be here tomorrow to pick them up for visitation. Is planning on going to D5's preschool grad on Friday. Reminded me about MC appointment on Thursday. Still do not know how he is going to handle a 10 hour visitation on Saturday when he reallyhas no place to take them. How is S2 going to take his nap?? I know it is not my problem, but then again, I guess it kind of is.

He talked to me about the probs at the dentist's office, told me some of what is going on at the class he is taking, and was friendlier on the phone. Mentioned a problem associated with when his wisdom teeth were taken out and seemed surprised that I remeber when it was done (we were only dating, not yet engaged). As I was getting off the phone (I ended it first) I told him I hope he feels better, to try eating some soup or something mushy. H told me he would see mwe tomorrow and to take care of myself.

I don't know what the heck is going on, but am so glad the pleasant person is back right now. Friend suggested maybe he ended it with her and went off with his Navy Buddies to drink himself into stupotr. I do not know and I will not hope at it. I will just continue to pray for God's guidance and intervention.

SMW
I admit, the first thought that went through my mind when he said he was out of town was that he flew up to see the OW. I am sure he knows that is what I was thinking, too, and that isd why he made the commen that it was not what I was thinking. I guess this is one of those things that I need to leave alone until MC, huh?

SMW
Posted By: lovnlrn Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 05/28/08 03:39 AM
I understand where you are coming from. My H had told the kids (1st wknd in May when he was here for the baby's birthday) that he would be back for Memorial wknd because it was a 4-day wknd for him. But when earlier that week, he said he had duty on Sunday and no gas in the car. "Uh-huh, yeah, bet you need to stay close by so your 'simple' girlfriend can come to visit" (she lives in the neighboring state to where his school is)...that's what I was THINKING but didn't say.

That's okay. Sounds like both you and I made sure that our kiddos had a good weekend and we took care of them while their fathers pretended they didn't have to. lol
Talked to FIL this morning. H called him after he called the kids last night.

H asked him, too, why he was calling looking for me if I was the one worried? FIL said he was concerned, too, especially when H missed visitation--same thing FIL told me when I called him yesterday. FIL did not discuss that part of their conversation, but wanted me to know the following part.

H said to FIL that I only call if it is about the kids--money, school, whatever. FIL said to him, but isn't that what you wanted when you decided to leave? H said, well, I thought I did, but maybe not. FIL dropped the subject, not wanting to push it and to leave H thinking about it.

FIL told me to keep my chin up and keep staying quiet. IT is forcing H tocreally think about things. Since I am a talker this has been difficult, but at least I have you guys to talk to!

SMW
Alright, H was here a few minutes early to pick up the kids. S2 had just woke up, so we were not quite ready to go.

He asked me how much the one little pizza buffet place is. I told him I was not sure, but not more than $15-20 for all of them and D8 had a free meal coupon for perfect attendance if he wanted to use it. Seemed grasteful. I know he has been diverting almost all of the money left after bills to me so I have it for the kids' needs and things are tight for him. On his pay, we could NEVER sustain two households. I am also not looking to go to work in the near future--I am still in school fulltime and I will not go back to work until I am able to have S2 in kindergarten--as this is what H and I had agreed on.

I guess he is finally starting to understand the financial ramifications of a separation and divorce. If he was home, he would not need to feed the kids dinner twice a week. If he was home, he wouldnot need to figure out how to amuse three kids cheaply for 10 hours on a Saturday. He does not have someplace that he can really take them for naps. He cannot take them overnight because he has no place for them to sleep.

Now, if I could jsut get him to understand the emotional and mental damage he is doing to the kids. They are all acting out in various ways in reaction to his not being here. Maybe I should bring that up in MC this week?

For that matter, what do I talk about in MC? Do I let him take the lead? I am guessing the MC will have a course of action based on last week.

Off to do some school work until the kids get home at 7:30.

SMW
Posted By: lovnlrn Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 05/29/08 12:27 AM
I'm glad I checked in on your thread just now. I've been having these "epiphanies" today about my part in things and was thinking about leaving a voice message on H's phone (he's in class right now).

When I read about what your FIL said about keeping quiet, I realized that that is what I need to continue doing. I am a woman of many words so keeping quiet or holding things in is definitely not my forte. Knowing that it is difficult for you and that you are doing it (& hearing that it seems to be working :-) ), encourages me to follow suit.
You know LL, we are so close to each other--state wise, that I REALLY wish there wasa way we could exchange emails!

Seems like we were meant to run into each other at this point in time, doesn't it?

You can do it. It kills me to be brief, to not get overly excited or interested when he talks to me. But there are small babysteps everytime I contain myself

I am in class now, but I will posy after with more details about visitation and interactions between H and I.

SMW
I'm glad to hear H is okay and that he has "returne" a pleasant person.

very glad to hear he is starting to be confused at what he wants. that is a great thing to hear! it is just the beginning.

I think waiting till MC to bring up kid problems is a good idea. Say it like, "I would like to talk about how to handle this sitch with our children. They have been struggling with this and I want to help them cope better" That way it's not blaming H for anything, but still letting it be known that they are having problems.

I agree that your contact still needs to be limited. HOWEVER, how is your tone when you are talking when you DO talk? Be as upbeat and excited as possible. Talk about positive things the kids are doing. Smile when your talking on the phone. He will be lured to you if you do this.

and let H deal with the consequences of his choices. Yes, the kids don't have a place to nap, but that's not going to kill them. unless there is some harm that could happen, just let him deal with his problems, and only show your concern, no advice, just, wow your right, that is tough, I'm sure you'll figure something out though. kind of talk.
Posted By: lovnlrn Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 05/29/08 01:13 AM
SMW, I tried to send you a PM with my email address but it said I had to be an administrator to access that page.
Posted By: Kalni Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 05/29/08 04:58 PM
Good Luck with MC today!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx & HUGS!!!!!
K
Thank you so much K!

SMW
I am pleasant, smiling, and sweet--at least most of the time. On Tuesday, when we had to hnt him down, I was worried, but I think that was good, too. HE went out of his way to allay my fears.

That is what everyone else says--visitation is his problem let him worry about it.

I will post later after MC.

SMW
I did not post last night, and I need to feed the kids breakfast really quick. I will post in a little while. I was emotionally wrung out by the time I got home from MC (an hour and a half!). However, we have another appointment on the 11th. I guess it is positive as long as he keeps going back, right?

I will be back in a little bit with an update.

SMW
Posted By: Kalni Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 05/30/08 09:15 PM
Hi SMW,

where is that update? I am going to bed soon and I guess I 'll have to wait till my tomorrow...

Take care
K
Sorry guys--I had SOOOOOO much to do today--my littlest princess graduated from preschool. We jsut got in the door. I have to feed them and get them to bed. I will psot after that, I promise. Besides, since H was at the graduation, I have even more stuff to post about ;)!
Posted By: Connie44 Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 05/31/08 01:50 AM
SMW-
Sounds like you are doing good on the keeping quiet! that is really tough but it seems to get positive results for a lot of people--

I just had a thought reading about H's visitation-- would it be possible to let him use the house for one of those dinners or on Sat.? and for you to go out? that might be a good time for you to do some GAL activities for yourself.... and leave H wondering what fun you were out having!
Alright, I am going to go back to where I left off in responses, answer everyone, and then give you the latest update regarding MC, two phone calls, and the graduation.

SMW
Well, it looks like I do not really have too much to answer, other than C123's question, and she is going to see her answers in my posts, so I will just leave her in anticipation---sorry C123 :D!!!

Alright, lets start with MC

I have to be honest that I was still nervous about going this week. Right off the bat, I wondered if it was even worth the effort, since H DID NOT bother to even get the book that the MC recommended for us last week. The C asked him why and he said he hadn't had a chance to pick it up and he didn't see the point in reading it, anyway. The C asked if I read it, I said yes, I had. She said there was no point in talking about it, since only two out fo the three of us had read it.

C asked us to describe our early married lif,e since I had a small child when we married. Wanted to know if we took a honeymoon and where, family vacations and where, did we go out together and how often, did we ever go away alone without the kids. That kind of stuff. She asked did we enjoy the trips and going out. H said yes, but that we did not spend enough time alone, especially in Michigan. UHM DUH--we lived in the middle of nowhere, we had a new baby, had no friends or family close by to wach them, and to drive into Detroit or Flint would require leaving our then 15 y/o alone with three kids under the age of 8--one a toddler, one an infant. Neither of us were comfortable with it at that time, but of course now he says we didn't spend enough time together. The C asked him how he would have managed that alone time under the circumstances. H said he did not know, but that we should have done it.

C wanted to know how we got along with each other's families, how our families interacted with each other. We told her that the families were close--attending events together, spending holidays together,. My mom and his parents are very close, my BIL loves his nieces and nephew--we spend a lot of time together when we can. My sister and my closest cousin (love her like a sis) and H get along fabulously, their kids adore him. She asked him what he expected to happen to that extended family. H said he did not think it would change. C asked me if I felt the same. Told her no, that I was already seeing changes. Asked me like what. Told her that H's parents used to call me once a week to check on me, but since H left I have not heard from them. When they came for D5's birthday, they barely spoke to me at all, they were here almost an hour bbefore they talked to me. I did not bring up the fact that cousin wanted H to walk her down the aisle when she got married next summer, but will not ask him now. I did not want to hurt him like that deliberately.

C asked H about OW and her previous marriage--she was in a verbally abusive marriage for 20 years, has 2 kids--16 and 19. Asked him if he had a desire to rescue damsels in distress, or just an affinity for single moms. H said that was not true. C said she was noting a pattern, he was trading on one model for the same one as far as she could tell. I could not keep my mouth shut and said no, the "new" model was actually an older one with more miles. (I, I know--- BAD DB!!) H got defensive, going on and on about how it is not the same, he and OW have a "special connection".

C asked him why he was angry with me. H said as far as he knew, he wasn't, just angry with himself. C asked why, H said cause he never thought for himself, did what everyone else told him.

C asked, but said she was pretty sure whe knew the answer, who handled the finances in our family. I said I had up until H left, then he cut oof my acces to the money, his LES, changed the direct deposit, revoked my power of attorney, and cancelled most of our joint credit cards. C asked H why he did that. H said that he was worried I would do something out of spite. C asked him if that was the case, why didn't he do that right after I found out in February? Said he didn't know. C asked him who advised him to take these actions. H got VERY DEFENSIVE, vehemently stating that he was thinking for himself. C said, really, all of the sudden? H said yes, I make my own decisions--was practically shouting. C said, well I guess we have the answeer to that question.

Will post rest in a minute, this is getting long.
I REALLY REALLY miss the edit button
C asked us to describe our parents and their marriages. My inlaws have been married 36 years. H said the rarely disagreed, are not outwardly affectionate. C asked if H's mother was nurturing . We both looked at each other and laughed, saying no at the same time. She is very standoffish. C asked if I got along with my inlaws. Told her my FIL and I havea great relationship--or did, but that my MIL and I did not--she has never made me feel welcome. She is the same with my SIL, too, so I no longer take it personally. C asked H if he ot along with his mother. H said he does now, but not when he was a kid. She was not very warm or nurturing. C asked if H thought I was nurturing. H said he never really thought about it. C asked who took care of him when he was sick, when the kids were sick, who did the family call when there were problems to be talked out. H said it was always me, so yeah, he guesses I am a nurturer.

My parents divorced when I was 16--my dad had an A with my mother's cousin. My dad and I are not close--I realized a couple nights ago (the night before MC) that I am still angry with my father--23 years after the fact. I said my father was fun but detached. Kind of like the guy at the party with a lampshade on his head. Fun when he was around and interacted with us, but nothing more than furniture most of the time. H had earlier that he was jsut in our marriage, not involved. Whne I mentioned my dad, C said oh, so you married your dad? I said no I do not think so. She looked at H and asked him if he thought he was like my dad? H quickly began giving all these examples of how he was different---examples that showed him as involved, invested in the marriage and the family. Not as uninvolved as he wanted to think he was.

Several times, the C made him re-evaluate statements he made about himself. She asked us about why we were married in two different ceremonies. We were married by a JOP and then had a huge church wedding several months later. The decision was based on the fact that I was losing my medical insurance and we were worried that my daughter would, too. We had already been engaged a year and deposits were made for the wedding. C asked whose idea it was to get married secretly. I knew, but said I wasn't sure. H quickly spoke up--it was his idea. He wanted to make sure I was taken care of, so we got married when he came home on leave. C looked at him and said--really-- your decision? He said yes. She said, but you said last week that you felt pressured into getting married. How could that be, if you were the one who accelerated the date. H got very quiet. C left it at that, but I am sure her point was not lost on my H--you did love her--enough to make sure she was taken care of when you were not there to do it.

When we left, I asked H if he would read the book, After the Affair, that the C recommended. Said he would, would go pick it up. Told him I knew that money was tight, did he want to borrow mine> Said yes, if it was not a problem and could I bring it to D5's grad. I had it with me and offered it to him then. He took it and said he would read it. Said he would see me the next day at the graduation.

Okay, that gets us through MC. Our next appointment is on the 11th. The C, when we were leaving, told us to be kind to each other.

Another post to cover what happened today, adn everyone will be up to speed.

SMW
I know I posted before that the movers lost all of the gascaps to all of the lawn equipment. I never made it to the store last week, so I went digging through more boxes looking for them today. Called H's cell--knew he would not answer--he was in class. Just asked him if he had any other suggestions for where to look or if he knew if I could get replacement caps. I figured I would not hear from him before lunch time.

I am in the process of joining a service organization with the wife of a friend--one of the ushers from our wedding. I called to invite them over for a cookout for D5's grad on Sunday. W reminded me we had a meeting on Tuesday. Usually, I ask my mom to watch the kids so D16 does not have to.

As I was dialing my mom, I thought that maybe I should ask H if he wanted to spend that evening with them instead. When mom answered, I told her my thought. She, of course, thought it was a bad idea--too much visitation, yada yada yada--which was what I figured she would say, but told her I did not think it was a bad idea. I then called my IC and asked her her take on it. She thought it a good idea--H sees me being more generous about the kids and me looking good and GAL--positives all arpund.

H called shortly after that. We talked about the caps. Said he had no ideas, either. I said okay, then I would go check Home Depot. I asked if my card had been cancelled there. H said he did not know. I told him I could check and dropped the subject.

H mentioned he went to pay the rent but the office was closed. Told him that it was due by the fifth and long as they had it before they opened on the 6th it was not a problem. Told him I knew he had everything under control, I was not worried about the bills. He got quiet for a minute, then started telling me about what was going on at school. I let him talk for a bit, just affirming what he was telling me. Told him it sounded like things were going well, that I never doubted he would pick the information up quickly--he always had a knack for that stuff. He said thanks for the vote of confidence.

Told him I had plans for Tuesday. I was going to ask my mom babysit, but was wondering if he would like to spend the evening with the kids instead. H sounded surprised, but quickly accepted and thanked me for the extra time with the kids. I said it was not a problem, I would rather they got to spend the time with their dad than with a sitter. I told him I needed to go, and I would see him later. He said, yes, see you later.

I called to check the card--it was not one that he cancelled when he went on his spree when he left. Called him back, and told him it was still active. I asked if I could use it for the things I needed. I barely finished the sentence, and he was like oh, absolutely. get what I needed and just let him know how much.

Told him I would get the gas caps, a hose (we do not have one), and screening to fix hole that D5 cut in her screen. H said it was fine. I also mentioned a problem with one of the other screens--a high one on the back of the house that the splining was falling out of. Told him I was not sure how I would get to it--I am terrified of heights, but I would think of something.

H offered to look at it when he came over next. Said I would really appreciate it. H said not a problem, and if there was anything else he could help with, to let him know. I thanked him for the offer, and said I needed to get off the phone. He sounded disappointed and said, okay, well take care, and I will see you later.

TWO phone calls, both with positive conversations and opportunities for me to be affirming and slightly more open. It just felt like it was the right thing to do at the time. He responded well, so I guess it was okay. I also felt like he needed to know that I was trusting him to take care of our finances, and by extension, the kids and me.

Graduation ceremony post next.

SMW
I am getting tired typing. I need to get rest as I have to be all pulled together before H gets here at 10 to pick up kids. I'll post about graduation in the morning--after the kids leave.

Thanks for listening to me and reading all of my babble. I cannot begin to tell everyone how much I appreciate their input.

SMW
Posted By: lovnlrn Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 05/31/08 03:39 PM
Originally Posted By: confused123
SMW-
Sounds like you are doing good on the keeping quiet! that is really tough but it seems to get positive results for a lot of people--

I just had a thought reading about H's visitation-- would it be possible to let him use the house for one of those dinners or on Sat.? and for you to go out? that might be a good time for you to do some GAL activities for yourself.... and leave H wondering what fun you were out having!


I actually did that a couple of times back in December & January before he left for school. He expected me to stay home but I used that time to take my laptop to the bookstore and do some design work. I dressed nicely and he seemed confused. But it was all good. Sometimes, when I didn't feel like going out, I would turn my room into a retreat. I'd lock the door, put on some jazz, light candles, take a bubble bath, do some reading or writing, call friends, etc. The rule was that my room was off limits to the rest of the family. Once he came up to ask me a question, took one look around the room, got "that" look on his face and I had to remind him that all that wasn't for him, it was for me and to state his business and go (I said it nicely, but that was the gist of it).
Posted By: lovnlrn Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 05/31/08 04:02 PM
Wow, I haven't finished reading all of the MC recap yet but am blown away at how much it sounds like I am reading my own story especially the thing about the finances and what he did and why, etc. whoa.

Okay, back to the program..... :-)
sounds really good!

I think you didn't need to call him the second time, but that's okay. the convo was good and you were to one to hang up, so that's good.

if H doesn't get the book again, I wouldn't say anything about it. don't even ask if he got it or read it. Let the C be the one to "punish" him.

hey, do you know what his 5LLs are???
Now, to post about the preschool graduation.

H was a tteh school when we got there. D5 had the largest group in attendance--we took up an entire row! H was pleasant to everyone. I had tears in my eyes when my little princess walked in in her tiny cap and gown. H saw and smiled at me.

Afterwards, at the little reception, we all took pictures with D5. We have some with me and her ,ad nsome with her dad and her. My sis asked could we get one of family and H readily agreed. H hung around a bit, helped put the kids in the car, gave them all a hug and a kiss, and then stood talking to me for a minute about the cookout I am having Sunday. Said I really could not talk--needed to get the kids some dinner (decided not to invite H, despite my wanting to) but that I would see him the next day.

When I got in the car, D16 and her friend said they really thought H was going to give me a hug, but just could not do it. I wish! He hugs with his whole self--even though he is thinner than I am, I always felt enveloped and secure when he hugged me.

H waited til we pulled out and waved goodbye before heading to his car.

Visitation and my GAL for today will need another post. Be back in a bit with it.

SMW
that sounds great smw!

sure, you'd like the hug, but we just have to wait when THEIR ready. There may be a lot of things they'd actually like to do with or to us, but there are things holding them back, and rightly so. a big thing is the fact that they don't want to lead us on into thinking things are better or going back to "normal". That is one reason we have to let them become as comfortable as possible so that feeling is lessened, and they open up to us more.

That means, no awkward behavior around them, no guilt trips, no depressed or emotional moments in front of them, etc.

your doing great, and just keep it up. He will get more and more comfortable with you, and that is what you want.
Visitation in Saturday--

H showed up right on time for his first Saturday all day visitation. He has the kids from 10-8. He decided to take them to the beach. You have to give the man his props--he was taking three kids to the beach by himself--ages 8,5, and 2!!

Well, he was unsure what he was going to do food-wise but said somethign about grilling or sandwiches. I told him to go with whatever was cheaper--the kids wouldn't care.

When he got to the house, my hair and make up was already done, all of the breakfast dishes were cleaned up, the hosue was picked up, and the kids had all of their stuff ready to go.

Shortly after they left, my mom called and asked if I wanted to go to Sam's Club. She wanted to take my grandmother off her membership and was planning to add me. I said sure, just give me a minute to get some shoes on and I would come get her. As I was heading out the door, I noticed that H forgot the diaper bag. Normally, I would have called and stayed home until he came to get it. But, I had plans and I was not changing them. I called his cell, left him a message that the bag was behind the glider on the porch--I was going out, and that i had my cell if there was an emergency.

Mom and I spent all day together. After Sam's she took me out to lunch at a little Mexican restaurant I had never been to. I got back home, unloaded the Sam's stuff, and got to work on some school stuff. It was actually too quiet in the house with no kids home, so I blasted the stereo with my 80's hairbands! Gosh, I had not done that in ages!!

When H got back, he unloadedthe kids, brought in their wet stuff and asked if I wanted him to throw it in the washer. Told him I would get it when I gave them their baths--they were still coated with a layer of sand.

H got chatty about their day and told me that he spent way more money than he could afford--bought beach toys, sunblock, snacks, and food to grill on the beach. Said he was concerned about feeding the kids for his next couple of visitations. I told him we could talk about it after our cookout on Sunday (for our D5's preschool grad).

I know I should have the "it's not my problem" attitude, but he has been giving me every bit of spare money each payday, so I know his is tight. His brohter is coming home from deployment on Weds. and his parents will be in the area. H said he may ask to borrow money from them. I thought to myself--it is about time, my mom has been helping out for months!

As I sit here typing those words, I am reflecting back on what I read in For Women Only. While my mom was only trying to help, and I appreciated all of it, I wonder now if I was making him think that I did not have faith in his ability to provide for me and the kids. Is there no end to the damage I may have unwittingly done to my marriage?

Anyway, he and I had a pleasant exchange and as he left, he told me to take care, enjoy church, and he would see us afterwards.

Cook out next. It was wierd, in a good, confusing, awkward way.

SMW
Wow! Taking those three to the beach... he's either brave or stupid! But it sounds like they hada good time, and you and he interacted well. No matter what, that's a good thing. Working together and cooperating in the care of the kids can't be a bad thing in my mind. As long as he is making the effort to do what he can, and it sounds like he is, meeting him halfway isn't a bad thing, in my opinion.

(((((SMW)))))
Originally Posted By: S.T. _I Made It!
sounds really good!

I think you didn't need to call him the second time, but that's okay. the convo was good and you were to one to hang up, so that's good.

Because there is an issue with him cancelling cards and not wanting them used, I figured I had better double check before just using the credit card. Now, I have permission to use it and do not feel so self-conscious about it.

if H doesn't get the book again, I wouldn't say anything about it. don't even ask if he got it or read it. Let the C be the one to "punish" him.

He now has my copy of the book--I gave it to him after MC. When he came to get the kids on Saturday, it was in the back of his car. I have no idea if he has looked at it and I will not ask. Like you said, I will let the C deal with it.

hey, do you know what his 5LLs are???

I have not pinpointed his yet, but I do think that words of affirmation may be one, if not his major. He seems to respond well when I do that. To be honest, I feel better, too. This used to be something I was good at-especially since I always wanted him to know how much I loved him and appreciated all he did for us. Over the past couple years I had not been as vigilant about it--I know that the depression I was suffering from may have affected that. I am going to reread 5LL and see if I am on the right track.


Glad that you are seeing positives in our interactions. I am feeling better about me and for the most part am in control when I am with him. MC is the exception, as the emotions get a little high there.
Originally Posted By: S.T. _I Made It!
that sounds great smw!

sure, you'd like the hug, but we just have to wait when THEIR ready. There may be a lot of things they'd actually like to do with or to us, but there are things holding them back, and rightly so. a big thing is the fact that they don't want to lead us on into thinking things are better or going back to "normal". That is one reason we have to let them become as comfortable as possible so that feeling is lessened, and they open up to us more.

That means, no awkward behavior around them, no guilt trips, no depressed or emotional moments in front of them, etc.

your doing great, and just keep it up. He will get more and more comfortable with you, and that is what you want.



ST

right now, affirmation is helping me keep going! Thank you so much for your support. I have stopped talking as much with friends and family. My mother said to me that she is concerned that, even if H realizes he has made a mistake, he will not come home because he would have to admit he madea mistake. He is very proud. I thought about it after I talked with her. You know, I thought I would have to be able to hear everything in order for us to work things out--a reason, and explanation, something> Now, I know that him coming home would be enough if he was willing to make the needed changes going forward. We both know what happened. Harping on it will not make it better, nor will it change it.

I know it is through prayer that I have come to this realization and I praise God for the strength to forgive and continue to love unconditionally.

SMW
Originally Posted By: dry_heat
Wow! Taking those three to the beach... he's either brave or stupid! But it sounds like they hada good time, and you and he interacted well. No matter what, that's a good thing. Working together and cooperating in the care of the kids can't be a bad thing in my mind. As long as he is making the effort to do what he can, and it sounds like he is, meeting him halfway isn't a bad thing, in my opinion.

(((((SMW)))))


Jeff--

Thanks for posting! My H is an AWESOME dad. The interaction is getting better. I wonder how much of it is because of me or because of the MC? I guess it really doesn't matter, as long as we can be amicable.

SMW
I'm so excited for you SMW, you sound so great! This attitude is just going to take you closer and closer to your goal!

and that is really cool about H taking kids to the beach, wow. Did you compliment him on that? Have you told him what a great dad he is?

That was something a good friend told me, in the middle of my sitch, H was concerned for our s9 and I text" just wait till he's really sick and you can't be there for him" ya, a horrible text, but I was still very hurt and angry and before DB. but my friend said, you need to tell him he's a good dad. and I said, are you kidding???? and she said, but he IS being a good dad, he was concerned for his boy being sick. So that was the beginning of my change for me. I text back "sorry, that message was out of hate, I didn't mean that. You are a good dad" or something like that. It took a lot of strength to push that send button, but once I did, boy it felt like a weight lifted off me and it was good to start giving him compliments like that.

oh, and I'm so glad you got insight from the For Women Only book. But don't get too obsessed with what you may have done. Perhaps he felt less then adequate with your moms help, or maybe not. This just gets us to thinking more about how we need to put our confidence in our H's and build them up instead of pushing them down.

Also, if you were dealing with depression, I feel that is a big factor. Now perhaps, H's reactions or actions lead you to the depression, or didn't help it, and this whole thing is just a big cycle, but it does make some sense that H probably struggled a lot during that time. Unfortunately he took the "bad" road and left, but we made a commitment to love them in good and bad, and this is definitely the bad.

Just keep up what your doing, and I agree about your thoughts on if H comes back and you guys don't talk about what happened. Their actions prove the most, not their words. although getting an apology is nice. \:\)
Sunday update

Church was upifting and wonderful this morning. I always feel so much peace when I get home.

Cookout was slated for 3pm, H showed up around 1pm. Walked in the house (wish he would stop that, unless he is going to move back in!), and came upstairs to say Hi and see if I needed any help. Told him I had everything under control. He wanted to know when to start the grill, told him that I had par-boiled the chicken so we did not need to start the grill until 3. Then asked which screen needed to be fixed. Showed him the screen and the problem. He fixed it and asked if there was anything else that needed to be fixed. Said no, it was good and to go play with the kids if he wanted. He looked surprised--but not in a bad way--and headed outside with our son.

In the past, whenever we have had any kind of get together at our house, I have been a strung out mess. Instead, today, he saw a clean, pulled together house, everything well under control, and my preparations way ahead of where tehy would normally be.

A little later, I went outside to smoke. H came over and sat down with me when I did. We chatted about nothing in particular. H fired off the grill, crisped up the chicken, and put it in the BBQ sauce on the stove. when he took the chicken into the house, he washed out the bowl from the marinated chicken and the pan he carried it upstairs in. He has not done that at all any other time he has been at the house for something.

When the rest of my family got to the house, we sat around talking and snacking on chips and stuff while we waited on the friends who were invited to show up, as well as my SIL. By 4, when they still were not there, we decided to go ahead and eat.
While we were eating, I took the opportunity to give credit where it was due. My sister was praising the chicken. I told her that H had cooked it. He laughed and said--hardly, that i had done all the work. I flirted a bit and said, yerah right we all know I cannot grill anything without burning it. He smiled, laughed, and said fine he would take all of the credit. When he went in the house for more food, my sister teased me about ego-stroking, but said it was good to see us laughing together.

H complimented my cooking often. He played a board game with D8 after we ate. When my mom, her friend, and I started cleaning up, he put up the game and helped us--something new in the current scheme, but something he always did in the past. He gathered up all of the trash and was just generally really helpful. I thanked him everytime that I could just to let him know that I appreciated the help.

When we got all done cleaning up, Mom, friend, and I were sitting out back talking while H played with the kids. Then, I heard him in the kitchen making coffee. A couple minutes later, he came down and asked if I wanted a cup. He helped my mom get us all coffee and then came and sat down with us. the four of us sat and chatted for about an hour before mom and friend left. H helped me clean up from the coffee and we talked about eating arrangements for the week. I told him that he could take leftovers and picnic with the kids. I am also thinking on the suggestion to let him stay at the house for visitation and my going out instead.

He talked about some work related stuff. H said he had more leave on the books than he thought, that he would be able to take some time off before deployment to spend with the kids. I told him that I wanted to take them to the amusement park, but did not know how I would manage the three of them by myself. Said he would be willng to go along and help out with the kids. We also talked about all the discount tickets available on the ship.

Huggedand kissed the kids, and stood talking with me for a couple moe minutes. Told him I needed to give the kids baths, and I would see him tomorrow. He said, yeah, see you tomorrow, havea good night, do not stay up too late, take care. I told him okay, and to drive safe.

I have been fighting the inpulse to email him and thank him again for all of his help today. Now we are all caught back up and I need to go get some sleep. I wil talk to you all in the morning.

SMW
Originally Posted By: S.T. _I Made It!
I'm so excited for you SMW, you sound so great! This attitude is just going to take you closer and closer to your goal! ST--I feel really good about me. I do still get sown and I miss H terribly. I am trying not to give him too much extra with the kids--I do not want it to be because I need to see him, you know?

and that is really cool about H taking kids to the beach, wow. Did you compliment him on that? Have you told him what a great dad he is? I did compliment him on teh beach, but yuou know, I do not know that I have told him what a great dad he is. No, wait, I take that back. I have brought it up in MC. However, outside of there, I do not think I have lately. It was hard to think about him like that and know that he wanted to break up our family at the same time. I am getting better about that attitude now.



oh, and I'm so glad you got insight from the For Women Only book. But don't get too obsessed with what you may have done. Perhaps he felt less then adequate with your moms help, or maybe not. This just gets us to thinking more about how we need to put our confidence in our H's and build them up instead of pushing them down. No, not obsessing, just realizing where I need to correct and move forward.

Also, if you were dealing with depression, I feel that is a big factor. Now perhaps, H's reactions or actions lead you to the depression, or didn't help it, and this whole thing is just a big cycle, but it does make some sense that H probably struggled a lot during that time. Unfortunately he took the "bad" road and left, but we made a commitment to love them in good and bad, and this is definitely the bad. The depression did not even really come up until MC started--my new IC and I had discussed it. The determination was post-partum depression that became a regular depression--caused by our circumstances in Michigan--the isolation, H's long hours, no friends, etc.

Just keep up what your doing, and I agree about your thoughts on if H comes back and you guys don't talk about what happened. Their actions prove the most, not their words. although getting an apology is nice. \:\)


Thank you again for the affirmation. It is good to hear that I am on te hright track. I feel liek the tortoise from the ASesop's fable--slow and steady wins the race.

SMW
Mom called me this morning. Wanted to know how long H stayed after she left. Said that the day was really nice and it was good tosee him acting more like "old" H--before the OW and all this crap. I agreed.

Apparently, her and my sis talked last night, too. My sis told her to lay off and let me do things the way I think is best--this is my marriage and I need to work it out for myself. Sis also told her that apparently my way was working, since H was so much more comfortable with all of us this weekend.

I think I am right to pull back from talking to friends and family, especially family, about what is going on. They are too close and too emotionally involved with the situation to be objective and my mom has very little positive or encouraging to say.

I would love to talk to my inlaws, but am uncomfortable calling them. I think I will try to contact them when they are here on Wednesday and see if they will drop by the house to see me then. My FIL and I are close and I miss that alot!

I need to go get some school work done. I ahve been so busy checking on all the fires that started this weekend on here (maryangela, G-force, John, Kalani) that I have not gotten anythign accomplished this morning. So, i am off, in the wors of Forrest--to DO WORK

SMW
Okay--I think the aliens took my husband again and brought back the jerky clone.

H walked in for visitation--yes opened the door and walked in the house. I was busy--a friend's nephew is selling Cutco and I let him come over and practice his spiel.

H comes upstairs, walks in the kitchen, and just starts pulling food out to pack a picnic for him and the kids! WTF?!?!?! I realize I said yesterday that he could take leftovers for the kids to eat, but AT LEAST check with me first to make sure I did not have plans for anything!

By the time friend's nephew leaves, H is looking or a small cooler in the garage to pack his picnic in. He has yet to so much as say Hi to me. I walk out and he says the big coolers are too big, do we have a smaller one. Tell him yes, and point out the cooler he has walked past three times at that point. He brings it in the house and starts packing the food in it.

I head up to wake up S2, who was still napping. S wakes up disoriented and starts crying until he realizes its me. Every time I try to put him down to put his shoes on, he starts clinging and crying, so I just sat holding him for a couple miutes. H starts teh car, and S panics, thinking Daddy is leaving him. All the while, D8 is bugging me about the keys t othe shed so she can get her bike out to take with them. I keep telling her no, even though she is whining and pouting.

I finally get S's shoes on. D8 is going on and on about gettign the football out of the shed, too. I walk down the stairs to find my great-nephew sitting in the middle of two bowlfuls of cat food, now all over my floor. Apparently D8 told D16 she would keep an eye on him, so D16 did not put him in the portacrib. Instead, she has been bugging the crap out of me. H is cleaning it up while D8 and D5 stand in the middle of the stairwell, despite the fact that I ask them 4 times to move out of my way.

I send D5 upstairs for the dust pan and broom. D8 FINALLY heads into her room to change out of the school clothes she had been told to get out of an hour previously. The entire time, she is still whining and fussing about getting the keys to the shed. I was so annoyed at her and the fact that she would not drop it, that I snatch up my keys and walk out the back door, griping that her attitude is BS.

The football she is griping about is literally laying in the middle of the yard, so I pick it up and carry it back inside. H tells her to tell me thank you, I am thinking---Lead by example, butthead!! I temporarily forgot that he is a graduate of the Do as I Say, Not as I Do Academy for Moral Incompetents--as he was the first to condemn someone else for infidelity.

He loads them all up and off they head to the park. They will be home in about an hour and a half and I have gotten nothing accomplished. It took me a good 15 minutes to compose my self enough to not call his cell phone and tell him I think he is inconsiderate. I have PMS and I know I am hypersensitive, so I bit my tongue.

I am saying something today about his walking in and not even saying Hi. Don't worry, I will maintain and not yell. Just want to ask him to please knock before opening the door and to yell up that it is him, so I do not have to worry about the neighborhood serial killer taking one of the kids--since he might take the one I like that day.

I am a tree, I can bend!

SMW
(((((SMW)))))
Sorry, I had to laugh, a little! All that stuff with the kids! Don't forget, that all happens in a "normal" house, too! Like the day we got downstairs to find a one and three year old had discovered a permanent marker that their childless (at the time) uncle had left down, and were using it quite industriously on the floor, and kitchen chairs!
Posted By: Kalni Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/02/08 10:14 PM
I love your attitude. PMS suits you well, LOL!!!

Breathe and think of sunny beaches. Act as if when he comes back. You are doing great.

BTW, I would suggest filter info TO your family and friends to the level you feel comfortable with. My best friend still can't figure out what I am doing. I don't blame her.
K

Thanks for all your help and support my new friend.
Oh Jeff I can do you one better on the marker story. My now D16, when she was 2 1/2, got ahold of a permanent marker and colored----herself! SAhe took off her socks and colored the bottoms of her fee and put the socks back on. All over her arms, legs, Hitler moustache on her face--I was ready to kill her.

I laugh too, it is just frustrating. We were always a team. Now I feel like how all the Patriots' opponents must ahve felt whene the taping scandal hit--they were being set up to fail.

I was in a really good mood until he walked in the house like he lived here again and was so cold and distant. I should have expected it after how well the whole weeked had gone, but still--DAMN. All I want is a little common courtesy!

SMW
Originally Posted By: Kalni
I love your attitude. PMS suits you well, LOL!!!

Breathe and think of sunny beaches. Act as if when he comes back. You are doing great.

BTW, I would suggest filter info TO your family and friends to the level you feel comfortable with. My best friend still can't figure out what I am doing. I don't blame her.
K

Thanks for all your help and support my new friend.


K
I know my smarta$$ remarks can be funny, but cutting, too, and I have to watch--H was on the recieving end for many years. I am sure that they bothered him, even though he never said anything. I have bitched and fussed since he left and I am feeling more in control now. I went out back and threw darts at the shed door for a bit. And I do have that picture of the OW I can always print if I decide I need a target.

You are welcome, dear, and the same back at you. It is good to have people to share with that do not think I am insane--besides my IC.

SMW
Posted By: Kalni Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/02/08 10:33 PM
[quote=sadmilitarywifeI know my smarta$$ remarks can be funny, but cutting, too, and I have to watch--H was on the recieving end for many years. I am sure that they bothered him, even though he never said anything. [/quote]

Same here. Others laugh but when I did it all the time trying to provoke a reaction from him, he didn't think it was funny... The exact same thing attracted him to me when we first met...

Good night!
K
Exactly! It was funny until the "infatuation" was gone!

SMW
((((SMW))))
Permanent marker stories! I expect that there was some on the kids, too, but not like yours. Some of the marks on the floor lasted until I put a new floor over it, before we moved!

Originally Posted By: Kalni
The exact same thing attracted him to me when we first met...

You know, I have sort of the same problem. I play with words. I thought W thought it was funny, years ago, now she gets mad! I don't think I was the one that changed!
Posted By: Kalni Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/02/08 10:40 PM
To be honest, I tire myself sometimes too... LOL!!!
Good Night (again)
K
Posted By: Connie44 Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/02/08 10:48 PM
SMW-
It sounds like you are doing great! Try not to let H's behavior of the day get to you-- just keep making YOUR day good! As you said, the aliens like to make a switch sometimes!

If I were analyzing your H-- I might say that after such a good weekend, he is afraid you are getting too close and thinks he must pull back and create distance-- that seems to be the popular patter anyways!

Keep doing all the good work!
ya, perhaps your inlaws have been distant because of the awkwardness of the whole sitch. If you contacted them, they might be relieved?

and yes, slow and steady wins the race is a great way to look at it!

You are definitely on the right track. Just hearing about H and his attitude and helpfulness at your party is wonderful to hear! That's the stuff I'm talking about. By you changing, he changes. I love how Michelle teaches this.

I agree with pulling back from friends and family. Just partially. Or even just not talking about the sitch with them at all. But I found that it would always get brought up somehow so I just cut all contact for 2-3 months. It helped me stay focussed. and yes, they are too emotionally involved. Plus, it's better that they don't hear all the bad stuff anyways because it will just put a rift between them and your H or put awkwardness between each other.
woah SMW. totally understand the frustration, and I'll put it to pms.

really, the whole story did not sound bad to me. in regards to H that is. the kids, well, that's another story, but those things happen sometimes and we have to learn to keep our patience, composure, and calmness when dealing with them. Although I know I lose my cool plenty of times! It's hard!!

On H...the only thing I really see that he did "wrong" is just coming thru the door and not saying hi. and really, to me, that doesn't seem very big.

Here's the thing. We have to stop for a moment and realize that just because YOU are offended or upset by something, doesn't mean H would be if the roles were reversed. So he may really have no clue that he's being inconsiderate. I have a feeling, he still feels like he's partly entitled to just open the door and walk in. BUT, if this is something your really bothered by, (not from the pms, but it's something you really don't like) that you should just be direct and ask him pleasantly if he could start knocking on the door and let him know who it is. and then ask, Can you do that for me? thank you, I appreciate it.

On him not talking to you...who knows what he was thinking. he may have not even realized what he did and could have been so focused on getting the kids ready instead. Maybe he was waiting for you to say Hi first, who knows. Also, many times we will find that the WAS will get comfortable and show really good positive things and then the next day they're distant. This happens for many people. I'm not sure that any of us know why for sure, but I imagine that they get scared and because they are still confused, they back off because they are afraid of leading us on, or even falling for us again. They just made this huge decision that they weren't happy with us and that in order to be happy they have to leave us, so anything that proves otherwise really messes with their heads.

This is when we really got to keep ourselves in check. We CAN'T let their change of mood bring us down or affect our own moods. Otherwise we let ourselves in for a setback. Just continue to do what we need to do and their weirdness won't last long.

((SMW))
Originally Posted By: confused123
SMW-
It sounds like you are doing great! Try not to let H's behavior of the day get to you-- just keep making YOUR day good! As you said, the aliens like to make a switch sometimes!

If I were analyzing your H-- I might say that after such a good weekend, he is afraid you are getting too close and thinks he must pull back and create distance-- that seems to be the popular patter anyways!

Keep doing all the good work!

That is exactly what it seemed like he was doing and other things combined with it to make him even shakier by the end of yesterday. I will post the details in a minute.

SMW
Originally Posted By: S.T. _I Made It!
ya, perhaps your inlaws have been distant because of the awkwardness of the whole sitch. If you contacted them, they might be relieved? I am going to call them in the morning and hopefully they will come over. I would love to see them.

and yes, slow and steady wins the race is a great way to look at it!

You are definitely on the right track. Just hearing about H and his attitude and helpfulness at your party is wonderful to hear! That's the stuff I'm talking about. By you changing, he changes. I love how Michelle teaches this. Shame the aliens reinhabited my H on Monday. It is okay, though, I kind of knew to expect it.

I agree with pulling back from friends and family. Just partially. Or even just not talking about the sitch with them at all. But I found that it would always get brought up somehow so I just cut all contact for 2-3 months. It helped me stay focussed. and yes, they are too emotionally involved. Plus, it's better that they don't hear all the bad stuff anyways because it will just put a rift between them and your H or put awkwardness between each other.
Along with the potential of creating a bigger rift, I just do not like alot of what they have to say. Some are havign a hard time accepting what I am doing. They do not understand why I would put in the effort when it would be easier to just quit and move on. I tried explaining that I do not consider my marriage as disposable as a paper towel--use until torn, then toss it out. I see the potential for a reconciliation and creating a new, deeper, loving relationship--with my H.
Originally Posted By: S.T. _I Made It!
woah SMW. totally understand the frustration, and I'll put it to pms.

really, the whole story did not sound bad to me. in regards to H that is. the kids, well, that's another story, but those things happen sometimes and we have to learn to keep our patience, composure, and calmness when dealing with them. Although I know I lose my cool plenty of times! It's hard!!

On H...the only thing I really see that he did "wrong" is just coming thru the door and not saying hi. and really, to me, that doesn't seem very big.

Here's the thing. We have to stop for a moment and realize that just because YOU are offended or upset by something, doesn't mean H would be if the roles were reversed. So he may really have no clue that he's being inconsiderate. I have a feeling, he still feels like he's partly entitled to just open the door and walk in. BUT, if this is something your really bothered by, (not from the pms, but it's something you really don't like) that you should just be direct and ask him pleasantly if he could start knocking on the door and let him know who it is. and then ask, Can you do that for me? thank you, I appreciate it.

On him not talking to you...who knows what he was thinking. he may have not even realized what he did and could have been so focused on getting the kids ready instead. Maybe he was waiting for you to say Hi first, who knows. Also, many times we will find that the WAS will get comfortable and show really good positive things and then the next day they're distant. This happens for many people. I'm not sure that any of us know why for sure, but I imagine that they get scared and because they are still confused, they back off because they are afraid of leading us on, or even falling for us again. They just made this huge decision that they weren't happy with us and that in order to be happy they have to leave us, so anything that proves otherwise really messes with their heads.

This is when we really got to keep ourselves in check. We CAN'T let their change of mood bring us down or affect our own moods. Otherwise we let ourselves in for a setback. Just continue to do what we need to do and their weirdness won't last long.

((SMW))



I figured that I was probably blowing things out of proportion, that is why I posted my frustrations here for some clarity from others that have BTDT. Thank you for validating me while still giving me other view points to consider.
H pulled into the driveway 20 minutes early from visitation. I was surprised. That quickly turned to panic when D8 came running in the hosue to tell me that D5 had gotten burnt at the park. Apparently, there is a pit where people had been dumping out hot charcoal coals and ther was sand over top of it. D% thought it was a sandpit and stuck her hand into the middle of it. H reacted quicky and immediately got ice on her hand.

He also looked like he wanted to beat himself up. My main concern was getting her to the hospital. The blisters were coming up all over her hand ans some areas had already popped and the skin was just hanging there.

We took her to the ER. D5 was screaming and would not calm down unless we both took her. The ER doctor called in the burn trauma team. The burn trauma team examined her and determined she needed to be admitted. The initial diagnosis was partial thickness burns (2nd degree). They coated her hand in silver nitrate, wrapped each finger with gauze, and then wrapped her entire hand. H left as soon as they got her set up for a room and headed back to the house to stay with the other kids overnight. Then, when he left for work this morning, my mom took over.

I stayed overnight at the hospital with D5. First thing this morning, they sedated her and took her in for debridement of the burnt tissue. Thank GOD (and I KNOW it was His grace) her burns were not as severe as initially believed. She does have severe 1st degree burns and some are borderline 2nd, but overall the damage is not near what they thought it would be. Her two middle fingers were blistered from her palm right up to the tip. Because the joints suffered serious burns they are worried about shortening caused by the tight skin. She will have to work with a physical therapist when the bandages come off to re-establish her range of motion.

D5 was released early this afternoon and H picked us up from the hospital. He hung out at the house until almost 7pm. The kids, and espeically D5, were really upset when he left. It took until after 11 to get them settled down. D5 was crying when I out her to bed, wnating to know why her daddy did not love her enough to stay with her. I told her that was not true, Daddy does love her very much, but that Mommy and Daddy have things that need to be worked out and we could not do it living in the same house. She asked if I still loved her Daddy. I told her yes, very much. She said then things would be okay, "in God's time"--her words). Funny thing is, she never asked if her Daddy loved me.

While H was with us today, he was quiet but not in a bad way. We were both exhausted after yesterday and kept dozing off laying on the sofas. Wheb we got home from the hospita, we were both starving, so I made us something to eat. He was nice, thanked me, and we sat and talked with S2 while we ate. Not bback to the comfort level of Sunday, though.

I am sure he is waiting for me to blame him. I do not. It was a mistake ANY child could have made. He was standing right there and the pit was not marked in any way. It could have jsut as easily happened to me. Should I tell him I do not blame him or just let it go? Help on this would be good!

I need to get some sleep. I am still wiped out from the past two days. Night all!~

SMW
(((((SMW)))))

You know, the good thing I see is that when you needed to, the two of you pulled together, and did what needed to be done. And without anyone blaming anyone else. I think that says a lot about both of you!

Hope your daughter mends quickly, that had to be really scary!
We did pull together, it just was not like it has been in the past when something has happened when the kids. Then, we would hold each other's hands, comfort each other with our presence. and give each other the strength to face whatever was happening. I felt so alone at the hospital, despite the fact that he sat right next to me.

He did wonder where I had slept overnight in the hospital. They had those pull out chairs that turn into beds, but D5 wanted me to sleep with her. She is tiny--there was more than enough room for both of us in her bed and the nurses said it was fine.

I think that forced H to reevaluate ME a bit, too. I have lost a lot of weight since the first of the year--like 70 lbs--I do not think the full impact hit him until he realized I was able to comfortably share a hospital bed with D5. Shame it is not looks alone that would bring him running back. I can honestly say that I have not looked better in a LONG time.

I was thinking about randomly asking him out to lunch tomorrow, or taking him lunch out of the blue tomorrow, as I will be right by the base around lunch time. Would that be pushing? This was something I used to do for him when we lived in this area before. I am still having a hard time determining his LL but I am thinking it is Quality Time, based on his comment to the MC about us not spending enought time together. Is this a good idea?
Posted By: Kalni Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/04/08 07:15 PM
Sorry about your D. I know what you mean feeling alone in the hospital. I had a similar experience in August. We came back for vacation (with the devil himself, H was a monster) and my D5 had a very bad ear infection she stayed in the hospital for 3 nights. We were both there, but not together. Hope your little one feels better.

No, I don't agree with asking him out yet. It's a bit too early. Let things settle for a while. I know, it sucks, but I think it would be too much for him at the moment. Of course you know him better but if he follows the notorious DAM pattern, it may set you back and you are doing well at the moment.
xxx
K
Hmmm, I think you could ask him, but it would have to be a "no pressure" ask! Maybe say that you were thinking about eating at XXX, would he like to come along?

And here I was proud of losing almost 10 pounds in the past couple of months! I have a ways to go! Twenty or twenty five more, I think.

How's D5 doing? She had to be really scared!
Hmmm, now I see Kalni's post, she's probably right. I'm too much of a softy, sometimes!
Originally Posted By: Kalni
Sorry about your D. I know what you mean feeling alone in the hospital. I had a similar experience in August. We came back for vacation (with the devil himself, H was a monster) and my D5 had a very bad ear infection she stayed in the hospital for 3 nights. We were both there, but not together. Hope your little one feels better.

No, I don't agree with asking him out yet. It's a bit too early. Let things settle for a while. I know, it sucks, but I think it would be too much for him at the moment. Of course you know him better but if he follows the notorious DAM pattern, it may set you back and you are doing well at the moment.
xxx
K


Thanks for the advice K. I was thinking no pressure, but you may be right--he may not view it that way. Do you really think I am doing well? sometimes I am not so sure. but I guess I am seeing some babysteps where he is a little more comfortable with me than he has been in the past couple of months--this past weekend being a good case in point.

SMW
Originally Posted By: dry_heat
Hmmm, I think you could ask him, but it would have to be a "no pressure" ask! Maybe say that you were thinking about eating at XXX, would he like to come along?

And here I was proud of losing almost 10 pounds in the past couple of months! I have a ways to go! Twenty or twenty five more, I think.

How's D5 doing? She had to be really scared!


Jeff--

I was thinking no pressure too--like a phone call saying--I am getting Subway for lunch at the exchange, can I bring you anything or do you want to meet me, my treat? Low key, no pressure definitely. Kalni thinks I may be pushing, so maybe not.

Well, I had ALOT to lose, so it was pretty easy when the stress kicked in. I still have about 50 lbs to go for me to feel comfortable with my weight, almost 100 for what the doctors think I should weigh. I started off giving up all soda at the beginning of the year just because and that gave me 15-20 lbs weight loss by February, when the bomb dropped. The rest has been from the stress of the situation and I am getting better about my snacking and portion control. Not eating for two weeks made the protion control a no-brainer--I just could not put a lot in my stomach without throwing up when I started eating again. It was easy to stick to that.

D5 is a trooper! She was terrified at the hospital, especially when they had to give her an IV--needles scare teh hell out of her. The debridement was rough--they sedated her and then took her in a sterile room and hydro-scrubbed off all of the burnt skin. They scrub until the skin starts to bleed--that is how they know they are at live skin again. The sedation really wigged her out--she was a complete basket case as she was coming out of it.

She is ready to get back to normal things, despite the fact that she injured her right hand and she is right-handed. They have all of her fingers bandaged together and her thumb loose--reminds me of the Penguin from Batman LOL!!

I will think some more on the lunch thing, consider yours and K's positions, and see if ST posts, too. She always has such great insight as well.

SMW

Posted By: Kalni Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/04/08 08:48 PM
Yes I do. And before anything can happen, a lot of negative emotions and memories must be wiped out. At least that happened with me & H (not a good example of a happy ending but still).

K
Originally Posted By: Kalni
Yes I do. And before anything can happen, a lot of negative emotions and memories must be wiped out. At least that happened with me & H (not a good example of a happy ending but still).

K


I COMPLETELY diagree with that statement. You are doing fine, just need to pull you out of your funk!

Counseling is helping bring things out. I am hoping that we can continue to dealwith them. Of course, wit hthe OW still i nthe picture, I do not know how well dealing with things is going to go. I know, count my blessings--he is willing to go to counseling and many are not.

SMW
Hmmm,
Offering to grab subway sounds pretty safe to me, but listen to the other opinions too!

Giving up soda was my start too! Then the doc said I was at least prediabetic, and the "diabetes educator" read me teh riot act! She directed me to the Sugarbusters! diet/lifestyle. This has come on pretty quickly, which is a bit scary. But, since I've cut out the sugar, and the processed flour my blood sugar levels have improved a lot, and the weight is racing off! I'm actually thinking I may have to eat a bit more, I think I may be losing too quickly! That's just too weird! I'm finding I am just a little hungry quite a bit, but not so much that I can't get through it. And I don't even want to eat as much as I used to.

It's amazing how fast the kids recover, isn't it! I expect D5 will be doing everthing, and you won't be able to figure out how!

(((((SMW)))))
HHMMMM situation update and (I think) more babysteps--

H came over to pick up the kids today for visitation. In-laws are in town because BIL's ship pulled back in this morning from a 7 month deployment. H was able to get out fo school to go over to the base for homecoming with his parents and SIL.

When he came in the house (just walked right in AGAIN!!--I really need to get over this!) he immediately came over to where I was sitting on the loveseat, sat down on the arm and said--come look I have pictures of homecoming for you to see. H KNOWS I have always loved homecomings--watching them on TV when they were not for the ship we were assigned to. Yes, our military community is that tight that the homecomings are broadcast for all ships. He also showed me pictures from when he took the kids to the beach over the weekend.

I said wow, I love homecomings, he said I know, that is why I showed you the pictures. Said his parents may be over to see me this evening before they head home, but he is not sure.

I was kind of coy, leaning in very close and I caught him looking down my top--a v-neck with a clear shot down the front from where he was sitting ;).

He sat around for a couple minutes, jsut chatting. Asked if he could feed the kids here for dinner. Told him yes, there is plenty of leftovers, but I could not leave as I have a lot of school work to catch up on from being at the hospital Monday and Tuesday. Said that was fine, and actually asked--for the first time since the bomb--how school was going. He did not realize that I was still taking an LOA for the summer. Thought it was a good idea, would give me more time to spend with the kids while they are out of school. I said, yes, it will also give me time to decompress for a while. (I have been going to school nonstop since August of 2005, giving birth to my S2 in the middle of my second term at school.)

I originally planeed sowe could all spend time together before his deployment. Hopefull y that will happen, too, but no expectations of it. Although, the comments about the amusement parks was positive over the weekend.

Alright, back to schoolwork while the house is empty for a bit.

SMW
Posted By: gForce Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/04/08 09:22 PM
Cleavage! You are merciless. You know we can't resist cleavage!
Posted By: Kalni Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/04/08 09:23 PM
gForce,
you sound ...DIFFERENT!!!! Happy, ALIVE!!! Keep it that way.
Sorry SMW,
K
Originally Posted By: gForce
Cleavage! You are merciless. You know we can't resist cleavage!


G--

I especially know H cannot resist cleavage. And if I must say, I have grat cleavage

I am not above using my God-given charms (and a good underwire bra) to get my H's attention!

SMW
Originally Posted By: Kalni
gForce,
you sound ...DIFFERENT!!!! Happy, ALIVE!!! Keep it that way.
Sorry SMW,
K


Sorry for what??

You are right, G does sound great! I am glad I got a spark out of him, even if it was for torturing my husband LOL!

SMW
Well, H and the kids were only gone for about an hour and a half, then he brought them back to feed them dinner. Asked me if I wanted him to heat anything up for me, told no, I wasn't really hungry, but thanks for asking. He cleaned up all the dishes from him and the kids and made a pot of coffee. Came downstairs with his cup and said he would have made me one, but he noticed I was drinking iced tea. I said yeah, it was a little too hot for coffee for me today.

He asked if it was okay to just hang out at the house, since we need to limit D5's activity level (YEAH RIGHT, like that is going to happen!). I said sure it was not a problem, but that he would ahve to run interference if they came to me for stuff--I really needed to do my school stuff. He said no problem.

I was sitting outside at the picnic table reading my school stuff when he came out with the kids. He played with them for a while, then sat down at the table near me. It was a companionable quiet, if you know what I mean. No tension, just more like I am here if you need to bounce anything off of me. It felt a lot like it used to, before the bomb. I sat back once and looked up and he smiled at me, then looked back at the kids playing. It was comfortable.

He hung out a little past his normal visitation time, even got the kids dessert. Asked me if he could come with me to D5's appointment on Friday. I said of course and suggested we take one car because of the gas prices. He said it was a good idea, we could take his since it is cheaper to drive. I smiled and said true, but mine has working A/C and it is supposed to be almost 100 on Friday. As much as he is hating this heat after three summers in Michigan, I have a feeling that comfort will win out over gas conservation on Friday.

I do not think I am going to do the Subway thimg tomorrow. I have seen him everyday since last Friday. I think he needs a break from my wondrous presence to miss me until he sees me again on Friday afternoon.

SMW
I think you have it right on the Subway! There will be a better time!

I hear you on keeping D5's activity level down. When our oldest was 3 he broke his femur, on a diagonal. He was in traction for a while, then in a body cast for six weeks or so. When the doc took it off, he said to keep his activity level down for a while. To hear W describe it, she looked at him like he was from Mars, and told him if he wanted that he should have left the cast on!
Originally Posted By: dry_heat
I think you have it right on the Subway! There will be a better time!

I hear you on keeping D5's activity level down. When our oldest was 3 he broke his femur, on a diagonal. He was in traction for a while, then in a body cast for six weeks or so. When the doc took it off, he said to keep his activity level down for a while. To hear W describe it, she looked at him like he was from Mars, and told him if he wanted that he should have left the cast on!


When D5 was 3, D8 accidently dislocated her elbow. Within an hour of getting home from the ER, she had cracked the partial cast that they had given her. It is not just the boys who are rough and tumble.

SMW
well poo. I have no cleavage. how about butt cleavage? hahaha
sorry, my post came out of nowhere! lol

and sorry I didn't post yest. yes, you are right not to do the subway thing. but, if you do it later, then offer to drop it by. I would say don't ask him out. For the first time that is. I think he would appreciate your courtesy and it definitely wouldn't feel like pressure like asking him out to dinner would. although the way things are going, I think asking him out (with no expectations) in the next month might be a good idea. timing is everything though.

hey, I am so sorry to hear about your little one. I copied this that I found online. I'm a search engine freak.

*IMPORTANT* Do not attempt to treat a third degree burn yourself these types of injury are life threatening and they require professional attention. Natural remedies can help after hospitalization to prevent infection and boost immune system defenses.

In minor burns herbs and homeopathic medicines have remarkable success reliving pain and speeding up healing.
Home Remedies for Burns We recommend

Use some of these home remedies to treat burns:

Home remedies for burns #1: Apply Colloidal silver this is a natural antibiotic and disinfectant if the burn is very painful, use in spray.

Home remedies for burns #2: Apply a lotion made with vitamin A.

Home remedies for burns #3: Take Vitamin C w/ bioflavonoids this is an antioxidant needed for the formation of collagen. Studies have shown that high doses of vitamin C are very necessary.

Home remedies for burns #4: Take vitamin E needed to prevent scarring.

Home remedies for burns #5:
Plantain leaves is a popular remedy for treating burns. These green weedy plants grow practically anywhere in the world with sufficient water. Just don't confuse this plantain with the banana-like vegetable of the same name. Hit the leaf with a small hammer, enough to smash just a little bit the plant than wrap the affected area with the leaf.
also, don't tell H that you don't blame him. Instead use the positive form. "H I wanted to tell you thank you for taking care of d5's accident so quickly, you handled that really well"

you know, instead of using negative words, change it around and use positive words. I'm sure you can come up with something better than mine too.
Posted By: gForce Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/05/08 07:45 AM
He asked if it was okay to just hang out at the house, since we need to limit D5's activity level (YEAH RIGHT, like that is going to happen!).
But he ASKED, right? He is seeing and recognizing you.

It was a companionable quiet, if you know what I mean. No tension, just more like I am here if you need to bounce anything off of me. It felt a lot like it used to, before the bomb. I sat back once and looked up and he smiled at me, then looked back at the kids playing. It was comfortable.
What a great time. I would be walking on air. This all sounds VERY positive to me. Hold on to these moments the next time he treats you like crap. See what a little T&A can do?
Posted By: Sara Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/05/08 08:25 AM
I would tell him that it wasn't his fault, That accidents happen, and you don't want him to blame himself. I think it is important to say these things.
Originally Posted By: S.T. _I Made It!
well poo. I have no cleavage. how about butt cleavage? hahaha
LMAO Only if you are in the construction field!

SMW
Originally Posted By: S.T. _I Made It!


and sorry I didn't post yest. yes, you are right not to do the subway thing. but, if you do it later, then offer to drop it by. I would say don't ask him out. For the first time that is. I think he would appreciate your courtesy and it definitely wouldn't feel like pressure like asking him out to dinner would. although the way things are going, I think asking him out (with no expectations) in the next month might be a good idea. timing is everything though.


Alright, so the lunch thing is out. Maybe next week, though, as it is his last week at that base, before going to the ship. When I ask him to dinne,r should I make it a family thing for less pressure, or ask him to go with just me?

H's ship will be pulling out soon for three weeks, but will then be home until his full deployment a month or so later. I have maybe a total of 12 weeks of him being home over teh next few months in which to work on this, then he ill be gone for 7 months. I wanted some serious progress before he left--for a number of reasons.

The main one is that I will have this long separation where all communication will be via letters, email, or phone. While it used to be enough for us a few years ago, now I am worried it will not be and he will pull in and file as soon as he gets a chance, once he is home. I know i am borrowing trouble and need to getthese thoughts out of my head, but I feel like I am trying to beat time, and that is difficult.

Also, stupid as it sounds, is because we had talked about, pre-bonbi my flying over to meet him during one of their port visits. It would be the first time I would be able to do it and I was really looking forward to it!

Quote:
hey, I am so sorry to hear about your little one.


Thanks, She is doing amazing! I have bought Vitamin E to rub into her hand once the bandages come off. She already consumes high quantities of Vitamin C. Thanks for all of that information! I copied into a document and printed it so I have it.

SMW
Originally Posted By: S.T. _I Made It!
also, don't tell H that you don't blame him. Instead use the positive form. "H I wanted to tell you thank you for taking care of d5's accident so quickly, you handled that really well"

you know, instead of using negative words, change it around and use positive words. I'm sure you can come up with something better than mine too.


Actually, I guess I did handle that well. When they were looking at her hand in the ER, I made a comment to H about how thankful I was that he reacted as quickly as he did, minimizing the pain for her. The doctor validated it, saying that gettign the ice on it right away was a good reaction. H sat up a little straighter, like a weight was off his shoulders.

SMW
Originally Posted By: gForce
He asked if it was okay to just hang out at the house, since we need to limit D5's activity level (YEAH RIGHT, like that is going to happen!).
But he ASKED, right? He is seeing and recognizing you.


I was shocked when he did ask. I figured he would head out to my BIL's house so teh kids could see his parents. Apparently, my FIL did too, cause he mentioned it when I talked to him today.

Quote:
It was a companionable quiet, if you know what I mean. No tension, just more like I am here if you need to bounce anything off of me. It felt a lot like it used to, before the bomb. I sat back once and looked up and he smiled at me, then looked back at the kids playing. It was comfortable.
What a great time. I would be walking on air. This all sounds VERY positive to me. Hold on to these moments the next time he treats you like crap. See what a little T&A can do?


I have been all day. It was a good day and you are right, I will hold it for the days when the aliens are back. As for the T & A, well no A, but the T definitely got his attention!

SMW
Just spoke to FIL on the phone and mentioned the fact that I felt like they were distancing themselves from the kids and I. He said absolutely not, but the gas prices make it way too much forthem to drive up as often as they used to. He also said he did not realize that the phone calls meant that much to me and said he would start checking in once a week again. He also invited the kids and I down to their house whenever we want, just call first to make sure the spare bedroom is not being used by my SIL and BIL. Asked him what if H was going to be there? He said, well you are still married, he would just need to deal with it, sleep on the sofa, or leave!

I will cover my IC in a few minutes--I need to grab something to eat.

SMW
Posted By: gForce Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/05/08 07:11 PM
Hey smw, I'm curious. You mentioned you think H would be more willing to work on M if OW was out of the picture. What is the status of H's R with her? It seems that even though H moved out only a little while ago, that he is spending a lot of time at home still. What does HE say the barriers are to reconciliation? Maybe these questions don't have answers right now, but he sure seems to be sending good karma your way.
Their's is a EA at this point, although it was a PA before he was relocated here. I do not know if he has seen her since he moved out of the house.

He says that he loves her, not me, never did love me but did not know it until he met her. All of the textbook BS that usually spews from the WAS when there is an OW involved. Always says it is not me, that I have been a great wife, that I deserve better.

Honestly, after IC today, I think that there are some underlying personal issues that H NEEDS to address. This is based on comments he made at MC about himself coupled with circumstances over the past year that I had not really looked at as part of the big picture. He has been up for the same advancement ofr the past five years in his career. Last year, we found out he did not get it the SAME day the movers were packing our stuff to go into storage because the kids and I were moving to our new duty station early. I think the advancement news, the kids and I being gone, and OW throwing herself at him (this has been confirmed by people who worked with her and things I found) all combined into him just taking advantage of someone willing to be there with him. She flattered him at a time when I could not be tehre to fill up his love bank the way he needed.

The OW is 10 years older than me, 14 years older than H. Honestly, the first time I saw her picture, I heard the theme music from Deliverance. My inlaws STILL have no idea of the age difference. My MIL had a problem with the 4 years difference between H and I. I cannot imagine that my MIL will be thrilled with her son dating a woman who is only 6 years younger than she is!

MY IC says the fact that he keeps submitting himself to MC is a good thing, especially the way the MC is laying into him. I keep holding out hope that she, and everyone else who says that, is right.

SMW

Posted By: gForce Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/05/08 11:57 PM
W's OM is 5-10 years older than me. I'm 10 years older than W. So OM is nearly MIL's age. A fact that many people have pointed out to her. But she is blind.

I agree that his willingness to go to MC is a big plus. W still hasn't agreed to it with us. Though if we get serious about reconciliation, it will be a priority, and I think we should go to a Retrouvaille weekend some time this summer.

But it really seems like a perfect storm of circumstances for H and OW. You would think, though, that a convergence like that wouldn't result in any long-lasting emotional attachments. It is almost like he feels he HAS to keep it going, so that he won't look foolish. Same goes for telling you he never loved you - just trying to justify his questionable actions.

The OW is 10 years older than me, 14 years older than H. Honestly, the first time I saw her picture, I heard the theme music from Deliverance.
Do you think they've ever done that banjo-duet thing together?
UGGGH I do not want to even think about what he has and has not done with her!

I have seen a picture of her and her two kids--D16 and S19. The only one of the three that even looked like a woman was her son.

I am hoping that the damn storm abates soon. I miss my H--I miss his snoring, I miss his shoes stinking up the house becasue he wore them without socks, I miss him singing corny new lyrics to the songs on the radio. As much as I would love to have him home before deployment, I have accepted that it will, in all likelihood, not happen. Hopefully, though, that separation will be the catalyst.

SMW
Posted By: gForce Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/06/08 12:51 AM
Yea, all kidding aside - the whole package, not just the polished shiny glittering parts. I miss it all. W spits out her toothpaste in a way I can't even describe. I have never ever seen anything like it in my life. It's so adorable!
exactly! All the stuff that made them who they were.

SMW
you know, except for MY H, most of the time the looks or age is not a factor. It's the fact that they are getting that need that they did not get in the M. I'm not sure how my H fits in, since his OW was playboy look. Double D's thin as a pole, makeup to the hilt. well, at least I have the bootilicous peice that she doesn't! lucky for me she's got a flat butt! that's all I got on her, well, besides my character. \:\)

anyways, don't even worry about the age/looks whatever, eventually they are going to figure things out, and hopefully all you LBSers have stuck in it long enough for when they do!

SMW, I really think you are right to have urgency on this, but don't worry about the time you have. It will all come, and just do what you need to do and let things work in their own time. It might be good for H to go away and you guys write letters. My H had asked me to stay at my moms (another state) while he worked things out in his head. I was VERY hesitant to do that thinking, oh great, he'll run off to OW again, but I did it anyways living in faith. He text'd me a lot during those weeks and we talked more than we had during the whole sitch. I started sending him "sexy" pics of me and he was loving it. It was after that, that he asked me to be his wife forever.

So, this could be an opportunity as well. Just keep being the best person you can be. Your H is already seeing this, and that's why he is acting more comfortable around you.

Oh, and when I did stay at my moms, I seem to recall a period where H wasn't contact me much, but I didn't react bad I just waited, and things started happening. So don't get discouraged if your H breaks off contact for a bit, he may be really thinking about things perhaps.

I liked what your FIL said about H sleepin on sofa or leaving. good for him!
Posted By: Kalni Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/06/08 11:01 AM
Just checking and reading and wishing you get what you want (RU sure, stinking shoes and snoring?)... This may be your chance babe!!! *joking*
K
Originally Posted By: Kalni
Just checking and reading and wishing you get what you want (RU sure, stinking shoes and snoring?)... This may be your chance babe!!! *joking*
K


K--

You, know, I thought to myself about all the sleep I have lost because he snored so loud at night. Well, I am losing even more because he is not in bed with me. Even the couple nights that he slept over in the spare bed I was able to get some sleep. I was comforted knowing he was near.

I will pass on the shoes, though! LOL!! I used to make him put those outside

SMW
ST--

I know I should not have gotten all tied up in the OW. I have, for the most part, turned her itno a non-entity in my life. She does occasionally rear her ugly head (much like the Kracken) and I have a rough day with it. For the most part, to me she is pathetic. Her self-esteem is so low that she needs to destroy a an entire family to make herself feel better about herself.

I am trying really hard to not let my sense of urgency spill over into my interactions with H. I do not want to make him fee pressured or cornered. I am hoping that the letter writing can happen. We used to do that alot. But, then a part of me wonders, what exactly will I be able to write? Do I keep things mundane, do I get a little spicy, or do I just drop it all out there? I guess I will have to follow his lead initially.

I will see him today--he is going with me to take D5 to her follow up at the burn trauma clinic. I was thinking about asking him if he wanted to stay for dinner, since he would already be at the house. It would not seem so much like a specific invitation, but more spur of the moment.

I am planning on going down to the inlaws' house in a couple of weekends--after the kids finish school. We have one full week left, and then I have one week left. I am going to come up with a definite date and let them know tonight when I call about D5's follow-up.

SMW
Posted By: gForce Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/07/08 04:41 AM
Did D5s appointment go OK? Did H stay for dinner?

I hear you about OW. I feel the same way about OM - he's just so pitiful in so many ways. But there he is, standing between me and W. Drives me nuts. But sounds like you are in a good place with it. Hope you had a good time this evening. I missed the banter.
Hey G!

D5's appointment went well. They were able to remove the bandages off two fingers. We are down to her two middle fingers beign bandaged with the aquacel, which will fall off as the skin heals underneath. Sheis down to individual bandages, giving her morerange of motion. She has some tightness in the two middle fingers. The Occupational Therapist gave us some exercises for her to do and she goes back on Wednesday for her next follow-up. She cannot go back to preschool before then. Overall, what we can see has minimal scarring and should completely fade as she gets older.

No, H did not stay for dinner. I said to him, "hey I pulled out some steaks for dinner. There were three big ones in the pack and the kids and I will never eat all of that. Would you like to stay?" His response, was "No I'm good, but thanks for the invite." He then proceeded to come into the house and eat leftovers while D5 ate some lunch. AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHH
He is driving me crazy!

He IS planning on going to a cookout at my sister's house on Sunday. She invited him last week, at D5's preschool grad. He asked for her number, as he had not programmed it into his phone. Sis had been thinking about cancelling, but said she will not know, as she thinks this is a major step for him. She wants us to work things out, but she was really pushing me to become more independent--more my old self, too.

I missed you too. I may have not been so edgy if I had some one to goof with. I had a wierd night. Really reatless and unsettled. Wanted to call H often, but did not do it. I ahe to be honest, as much fun as I have bantering with you, I enjoyed 100x more when I would do it with H. I am sure you know what I mean.

I am having a hard time gettign to sleep tonight, and can not focus on school, either.

SMW
Posted By: gForce Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/07/08 05:58 AM
Of course you prefer H. Would it shock you to learn I would prefer bantering with W!? Please, no need to explain!

W did the same thing to me a couple of days ago. After she told me SD missed me and wanted to see me, I asked if they wanted to come by for dinner this week some time. "Ummm, weellll, I'll think about it." Her way of saying "no" when she doesn't actually want to say "no". A few months ago, these kinds of things would have sent me into a tailspin. Now I would describe my mood as a tired disappointment. Still being patient.

I'm still wired from my drive down here. I'm going to be a walking zombie with D14 tomorrow. Do something fun for yourself tomorrow, then make yourself look hot for the Sunday BBQ.
Posted By: lovnlrn Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/07/08 01:41 PM
SMW, I'm trying to catch up on all your happenings but alas no internet at my house. I came over here to my neighbors patio just to see how things are going and to update my thread but it is SOOOO FREAKIN HOT AND HUMID already at 9:30 a.m.! I have to go in. I'm drenched in sweat already.

I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I've been thinking about you and praying for you, also. There were a couple of times at night that I wanted to get on here and run a sitch by you or Michelle before I made a big mistake but couldn't because of the flippin internet situation.

I hope all is going well with you. If it cools off tonight, I will get back on and catch up on things. Have a great day!

Jeannette
Posted By: john210 Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/07/08 02:00 PM
SMW,
Happy to hear that your D is doing better and her scars will eventually disapear. It is sad to say but physical appearance tends to be so important especially for young girls. I always try to instill the inner beauty aspect to my D7 and I think it compensates for W's physical appearance slant....a good mix i guess.
Missing the spouse came in waves for me also. I don't have ny miracle cure other than do stuff that will take your mind of H and don't bask in it. Of course if his happens during the night, it is pretty difficult to do "stuff".
It is nice to see that H feels comfy enough with your family to accept the invite to your sister's cookout. This will undoubtedly be awkward for you but try to be upbeat and in a good mood. He will be checking you out so you might even want to take an extra couple of minutes to make sure you look nice. Try to remember what type of outfits he liked to see you in and lean towards that selection.
Hope everything goes well for you this weekend.
Thanks G!

Hope you and D14 have an amazing day! I was in NY at Christmas for a red-eye trip of shows and shopping with D16. We had a blast!

Yeah, I did not go into a tailspin, but was in a funk most of the night. I did manage to find a way to get a copy of Marraige Fitness by Mort Fertel for free, though, so that was cool. Apparently, it is offered to military members and spouses as a downloadable e-book.

I am thinking about taking the kids to a matinee of KungFu Panda. Matinees are the only way I can afford taking 4 kids to the movies! the summer movies start this coming week and I cannot wait. Then we will be going all the time--the movies are free and I keep the concession prices to minimum.

I wanted to cut the grass today, but the humidity is WAY to high to do it comfortably.

I will check in later this evening. I need to get away from the computer for a bit today and then see if I can refocus on getting my papers done for school this evening.

SMW
Jeanette--

I know you were fighting with Internet challenges, so I did not get too worried about you, but was still praying and hoping for the best for your situation. I will go over to your thread later and post some ideas of goals for the week to keep us going, just in case you cannot get in here for a few days again.

I miss you! I know what you mean about the heat and humidity! We are suffering here, too.

Rule of thumb--if you are not sure and want to run it past us first, in all likelihood--DO NOT do it! Better to err on the side of caution.

SMW
John--

I do not make a big deal about outside appearance to my girls--but they are all really pretty in very different ways, so I have outside influences to contend with when it comes to their looks. I always tell then it is the inside that is important and that that will shine through to make the outside more attractive.

Yes, last night was hard. I do not know why I missed him more than usual, but it was rough. I manged to keep my mind occupied until everyone went to bed, but by 10 I was on my own. Even the TV could not distract me.

I was thrilled that H accepted my sister's invite, especially after he did not come to the get-together after my grandparents' memorial service last month--even though he attended the memorial. I am glad, too, that my sister is willing to extend herself like this, even though she is still angry with him.


You and G have both told me to make myself attractive for Sunday--as that was already a plan, I will be doubly sure to get all the elements just right--I value your masculine opinions! I know the v-neck or low cut top is an absolute. From there, I will pull it all together.

Have agood day. I am leaving teh computer for a while today. I cannot focus on school or anything. I need to get out of the house for a while.

SMW
Posted By: Kalni Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/07/08 06:25 PM
Hi SMW,

sorry you had a hard night. We all get those from time to time. Right when you feel you can handle the sitch, something snaps and you feel like you are back in square 1 again. It goes as it comes and little by little the effect is less painful.

Good that you are going out. I hope Sunday will be a great DB success for you. Think positive thoughts and try to have FUN. It's the best way to DB effectively.
L&XXX
K
Very glad to hear H accepted the party invite. don't worry about him turning your dinner down, he may also not want to burden you and I believe that the WAS will feel both like they won't take any offers from the LBS because 1 they feel guilty and don't want to "take" anything else from the LBS, and 2, they don't want to lead the LBS on, and 3, they are careful to keep their distance because of they thought they made the right choice, they are afraid of changing their minds.

yes, do look great and have fun and BE fun. no matter what H's mood is.
Posted By: gForce Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/08/08 01:25 AM
Just getting caught up with everyone. I hope your day went well today and you were able to get your spirits up. Crossing my fingers for the cookout tomorrow, too. I'm beat. Must get rest.
G--

The day went well. I did not really get too much out of my funk. I could not shake a headache all day. The kids have been expecially trying and the heat was too high to send them outside. The little guy fell asleep for several hours, squelching the matinee movie, but he really needed the nap in order to prevent him being killed by his sisters!

Now, I know I mentioned in an earlier post, that when H calls to talk to the kids and we are not home, he never leaves a message. Apparently he decided to break that trend. The interesting thing is that if he leaves a message, I am the only one who would hear it, as the voicemail is from the phone company and I am the only one who knows the access code.

When he called this evening, none of the phones were in the family room and I had to go hunt one down. By the time I got to the phone, it had gone to voicemail. I saw who the missed call was, so I called right back to let him talk to the kids. After he talked to them all, he asked to talk to me. He mentione that he needed to call my sister to get directions to her house from his parents, since he had gone down there after he left here yesterday. I said that was fine, she should be home, and from his parents' house it is not too bad of a trip to her new place. I told him I would see him there, to have a good night, and bye. and hung up. I am getting better and better at the getting off the phone first thing, too.

About 20 minutes after I hung up, I picked the phone up to move it and noticed that the message alert was blinking. I called and checked the voice mail and it was H. He was leaving the message like he used to leave them in my cell when it was just for me--of course minus the ILY. Apparently, I called back in the middle of the message, cause it cut off when he clicked over to the call. I feel like a ridiculous teenager. Rather than delete the message, I have saved it. I am not sure why. Maybe so on the days that the alien is back I can listen to the nice guy.

I did go to the store for a few things. I treated myself to a new top. It is a pink and orange plaid peasant blouse with a low cut, square neckline. One button undone gives it a little oomph for coy sexuality! I wish I had a nice pair of white heeled sandals, but the black ones will have to do. No painted toes or fingers here, unless I have time after church tomorrow.

SMW
Posted By: gForce Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/08/08 02:19 AM
If you are in a funk, you sound like you are handling it very well. Especially good you didn't let it poison your interaction with H. He is giving you some positive signs today, whether he knows it or will admit it or not. Keep up the PMA and I bet you're going to have a great day tomorrow (whether pod person comes or not).

BTW - you're not acting like a ridiculous teenager, you're just acting like someone who loves her H.
Originally Posted By: S.T. _I Made It!
Very glad to hear H accepted the party invite. don't worry about him turning your dinner down, he may also not want to burden you and I believe that the WAS will feel both like they won't take any offers from the LBS because 1 they feel guilty and don't want to "take" anything else from the LBS, and 2, they don't want to lead the LBS on, and 3, they are careful to keep their distance because of they thought they made the right choice, they are afraid of changing their minds.

yes, do look great and have fun and BE fun. no matter what H's mood is.



AHHHHH but then again, if they made the right choices, they would not have to worry about changing their minds--since it is the "right" choice. I think it happens sometimes because they are afraid they made the wrong choice and they do not want to face reality.

I plan on looking amazing. H will not know what hit him--which is usually the case anymore when he sees me. I am always pulled together, no matter when he sees me. Heck even when D5 was in the hospital, I took advantage of her nap and had enough cosmetics in my purse to pull myself together after sleeping in a hospital bed all night and sitting through her procedure.

I always have fun with my sister, so that will not be a problem, either.

SMW
Originally Posted By: gForce
If you are in a funk, you sound like you are handling it very well. Especially good you didn't let it poison your interaction with H. He is giving you some positive signs today, whether he knows it or will admit it or not. Keep up the PMA and I bet you're going to have a great day tomorrow (whether pod person comes or not).

BTW - you're not acting like a ridiculous teenager, you're just acting like someone who loves her H.


G--

No I am getting really good at being the happy SMW when I am dealing with H. It is not too hard, since I am always happy to hear from him--I just wish he called to talk just to me once in a while. Oh well, in time, right?

I cannot even begin to explain how I feel about my husband. One of our mutual friends--someone who I met the same night I met H--said that she and some other friends knew we were meant for each other even before we did. She said there was an aura in the air, like missing puzzle pieces falling into place. AS she put it, "It was like your hearts said, oh there you are, like you were each the other half they had been looking for." It is stories like that, the cards and letters he wrote me, and even the little things I gave him that he has kept over the years, that keep me going when I start to get scared and lose faith. It is especially helpful when the pod person comes around.

Our zodiacs match us perfectly-- H is a Virgo, I am a Pisces. I just know, like Ali and Kalni told me, if I can make it through this year, everything will start to get better.

SMW
Posted By: gForce Re: Haze Grey and Underway--Can We Talk? - 06/08/08 02:31 AM
Sept 6 - does that make me a Virgo too?

I'm not suggesting anything, just putting it out there.
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